Nag nag nag

January 21, 2007 9:26 AM

How do I stop myself from being overly critical of everything I do???

I grew up in a house with a very strict father, and a bit of a critical mother, both of whom I adore, but both of whom I’ve had problems with in the past. It’s taken me a long time to mend my fences with both of them, and I feel much better about the relationship that I have with them right now. The only problem is that I think the damage has already been done. (I now have this constant nagging voice in my head that always rears its ugly head at almost everything I do. I’m Bipolar too—been diagnosed with having Cyclothymic Mood Disorder, and am taking medication for it which is helping—but the voice is still there. I haven’t mentioned the degree to which this voice affects me to my psychiatrist yet, but will soon in our next meeting.)

What I wanted to know is—is there some way I can myself root out this constant pain in my head that always undermines my confidence without relying on medication??

posted by hadjiboy to health & fitness (9 comments total)

Disclaimer: I am not a mental health professional.

You may want to add pysco-therapy to drugs, as drugs alone are effective, but not as effective without talking with somebody about it..and not to ANYbody like here :) even if it's better then nothing.

In my extremely humble opinon, the key to unrooting this nagging "voice" , which isn't but yourself slapping yourself, is to learn how to live with it, give it less importance as it isn't but a basher.

I think you should

1. acknowledge that the one really criticizing YOU is yourself. I know it may sound like absurd, total nonsense, but trust me, we sometime do thinks we are NOT really aware we are doing OR that we really don't understand completely.

I guess you didn't mean "voice" as if you hear somebody telling you something, but "interal voice" ..as if you had someone inside you tell you it's wrong/bad/suboptimal all the times or most of the times OR in same "kind" of occasion.

That voice is you, so you have will have to change yourself a little to reduce it..it is possible, has been done with other people and probably a mental health professional can help you get A LOT better...it's not always pills, but pill play an important role.

2. acknowledge that you may need help by a professional, talk to him about the voice.

Your "voice" may as well say you that it is useless, that is is bullshit and that you are EVEN more of a sissy useless for not being able to do it on your own ! Look at this idiot , he needs a shrink AHAHAHAHAH. You're such a disappointing failure !

For NOW disregard the bullying voice, as ALL that the "voice" is able to do is to smash you, put you down. Can't do anything more !

Example: consider a person talking in a language you don't know..he yells and looks angry and laughs at you ahahahaha !! Would you give him a shit ? You don't even understand him ! Get off fuckwad :D !

Same thing, don't tell the voice to "shut up shut up!" ..just laugh him off :) and then visit the shrink :D

That voice may as well say that you should be embarassed about looking like a fool or stupid or that you shouldn't say anybody about it..but as you already did anyway :) telling the psychiatrist will help. I think you are going to get better, but personally can't promise you anything :)

2. consider that you may be too harsh a critic of yourself
and almost certainly not a fully rational one ; that is true of everybody, but in your case it probably just went out of reasonable proportions.

3. consider that the one that can really help get rid of that is yourself ..and that it may take some time , it may take effort and some pain, but you will certainly win, because you want to.

MAYBE, just maybe you may be able to get rid of medication, but it is not safe to do it on your own. Talk to your psychiatrist about the your idea of getting rid of the drugs...
posted by elpapacito at 9:52 AM on January 21, 2007

Yes.

Since you're already seeing a psychiatrist and under her care, you've got the major support there if the voices are entirely more serious than the regular doubts that almost all of us have. (Which is to say, yes, please tell your psychiatrist about them, just in case.)

Beyond that, there are many techniques that people have developed over the centuries for exactly this, and I think you just need to pick the one that appeals to you and work on it. Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy if you're a scientific atheist type (and if you have those therapists in your area), yoga or meditation (zen or vipassana) if you're more spiritual. All of the above work to separate out the idea of "you" from the idea of "your mind."

(I just posted this story in another thread; forgive me for repeating it.) My yoga teacher recommended, when you're about to do something and your mind starts chattering away about why you can't, or shouldn't, or what a failure you are, or whatever naggy stupid superficial thing it's decided it wants to bug you with today, then say to yourself, "I hear what you're saying, and I thank you for your input." Then just go ahead and do what you were going to do.

Basically, let your mind know you hear what it's saying, and it's certainly part of this team so you think it's great that it's contributing, but you don't agree and have decided to go a different way.

The key, I think, is recognizing what's going on in your mind, and realizing you don't have to submit to it. Those unwelcome thoughts are not your true nature, they're just your mind being bored and causing trouble.

(Again, this is general advice for getting rid of unwelcome thoughts, minus huge psychiatric troubles; and on the assumption that the things you want to do are healthy and appropriate. I'd bet that most of it could complement the work you're doing with your psychiatrist, but again, I'd really urge you to tell her what's going on; and her advice should trump mine if she disagrees!)
posted by occhiblu at 10:01 AM on January 21, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

Just a note on the medications. Bipolar has been shown to follow the "kindling" theory, where it can tend to get worse and worse over time if left untreated. It's possible that your moods and self-critical thinking were caused by your environment when you grew up, and/or it may be that your parents have bipolar or something similar if they acted in that manner toward you, and so you inherited bipolar (proven to be heritable). No matter how it developed, it is unwise to stop medications, because that puts you at great risk due to kindling: the disorder may get worse over time if left untreated.

Therapy is crucial for healing with bipolar. The medications stabilize your moods, but therapy assists you in learning how to live with your new, more stable self. It is quite the transition, I know, having gone through it myself. I am on great meds now, which means the therapy I go to becomes even more important, because I am at a point medicinally where I want to be.

A psychotherapist will look back at your past to determine causes, while a cognitive-behavioral therapist will help you to live with things as they are in the present. Cognitive-behavioral therapy tends to show results faster, but it's up to who you are personally as to which suits you.

You may also want to find a local support group for people with bipolar, and also there are many online groups. The National Alliance on Mental Illness can help you find a group nearby. Support is very important, and many people have also gone through what you are currently experiencing and can help.
posted by veronitron at 11:36 AM on January 21, 2007

Yes, please do tell your therapist about your internal mental world; it's really important that your therapist know this about you and can evaluate how it affects your mood.

I would recommend reading a book or two on cognitive psychology, theory of how your thinking affects your mood, self-respect, and well being. Two well respected books that I'd recommend: "Feeling Good" by David Burns and "Learned Optimism" by Martin Seligman. (Seligman has more recent books, but I haven't read them yet.)

Even if you don't do all the exercises in these books, knowing what to look for is really helpful. It took me a while to really appreciate the pattern of "oh, these negative thought patterns lead to those nasty mood shifts".

http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-Therapy-Revised-Updated/dp/0380810336
http://www.amazon.com/Learned-Optimism-Change-Your-Mind/dp/0671019112
posted by mvd at 4:53 PM on January 21, 2007

You might try transactional analysis. This voice is known as the "Critical Parent" and there are a number of useful therapies to help with it.

It's essentially a tape recording in your brain. The same way your mind remembers the times tables as a child, it also remembers put-downs.
posted by MythMaker at 5:32 PM on January 21, 2007

Thankyou for your advice, elpapacito, occhiblu, mvd and MythMaker. I will try to do the best I can.
(Already feel like I've improved a lot, and will hopefully pursue the Cognitive Behavioural therapy that veronitron suggested.)
posted by hadjiboy at 9:42 PM on January 21, 2007

Also, occhiblu--thank you for the yoga advice--people have told me about its benefits (about quieting your mind/listening to what its saying), so that is something else for me to check up on.
elpapacito, yes--the voice that I hear is not of someone else's--like in Schizophrenia I'm assuming, but my own.
posted by hadjiboy at 9:47 PM on January 21, 2007

How do you not think about a white elephant?

I suggest you look into Zen, I've had great success with it.

If you do, I suggest anything by Alan Watts or Brad Warner.
posted by koudelka at 10:13 AM on January 22, 2007

elpapacito, yes--the voice that I hear is not of someone else's--like in Schizophrenia I'm assuming, but my own.

Glad to hear that :) Trust me, it can be won, you will eventually conquer it...don't give up.
posted by elpapacito at 5:18 PM on January 22, 2007