seduction for beginners
August 22, 2005 9:56 AM   Subscribe

I'm an attractive 32 year old woman and have been single for over six years. Help me to, erm, get laid.

Sorry to be so blunt, but it does seem like the simplest definition of my problem.

I've had a few short flings in that time, but the most recent was two years ago. I feel like I'm not even sure how to let men know that I'm interested in them any more. I know that there's nothing terribly wrong with me (though sometimes it feels like that), but why do my friends go from relationship to relationship while I'm always alone? Men never approach me - all my previous relationships were instigated by me. I need some tips to help me to get up some confidence and get out there again.

I know plenty of people and socialise frequently, so there's no problem there. I'm sure that I'm missing a clue somewhere, though - why am I always overlooked? What can I do to get things happening myself?
posted by ask me please to Human Relations (46 answers total) 12 users marked this as a favorite

 
I'd start by letting your friends that you hang out with know that you're "looking". They (especially the ones that are in longer-term relationships) might funnel people that they think would be a match over to you.
posted by SpecialK at 10:13 AM on August 22, 2005


What sort of socialising do you do? I am guessing you mean parties where strange but approachable single men will be? Or bars, with same? If so, I'd think your best bet is to pick a guy you think you might like, go up to him, start talking...

Find out if he's single. Flirt. Remember that men are thick regarding body language, so don't assume he is rejecting you if he doesn't immediately react, he probably isn't noticing your flirting. Turn it on heavier, until you get reciprocation or clear and obvious rejection.

Repeat until you get laid... EASY!
posted by Meatbomb at 10:14 AM on August 22, 2005


Seem approchable. Assuming you are attractive (not trying to be rude), then the biggest issue is when you are out, seem like the kind of person a guy can approach.

Where are you trying to meet guys? Bars and Clubs? Make sure to make eye contact with guys you think are cute, give them a smile or something if you keep catching them looking at you. Give them subtle (or not so) indications that you are open to talking to them.

Work on body language, things like not having your arms crossed, and not frowning (an issue I have, my neutral expression sometimes gets interpreted as a scowl).
posted by KirTakat at 10:15 AM on August 22, 2005


And see this thread for tips once you find someone you're interested in.
posted by FlamingBore at 10:17 AM on August 22, 2005


Some ideas: do you flirt? Touching, eye contact, smiles, etc. Woman I'd have normally discounted have kept me enthralled with a bit of flirting. Of course, I might just be easily enthralled.

What about the online offerings? Some say that you sacrifice quality for quantity, and that might not be the way you want to go, but if gettin' laid's your goal, then maybe it is. I've tried an online dating site on and off for few years and have not found any lasting connections through it, but for every person who's had this experience, there's another who'll say the opposite. YMMV.

On preview, I'll be taking a typing class and working on my speed.
posted by bachelor#3 at 10:20 AM on August 22, 2005


Online personals are great for people who have a hard time letting others know they're interested. You can lay out exactly what you're looking for in a relationship and in a partner, and anyone who contacts you will already have that basic information. You can also state your requirements up front, so people replying will (in theory) at least think they come close.

You're also lucky as a female in this situation. You are almost guaranteed to get a lot of responses. This is why it's wise to lay out your requirements up front, and only reply to people who send thoughtful, intelligent responses.

I recomment match.com, and whatever that company is that does the Onion personals and Salon.com personals. I disrecommend eHarmony. FWIW, I met my wife on match.com.
posted by agropyron at 10:20 AM on August 22, 2005


Online personals really do work well for meeting dates, both for long-term relationships and casual flings. Try match, nerve, or you local alternative weekly, if you have one. I always had trouble approaching women in bars and such, but I knew anyone with a personal ad (or anyone who answered mine) was looking for a date. I had some fun, and, ultimately, met my wife that way.
posted by MrMoonPie at 10:21 AM on August 22, 2005


Hah. Jinx.
posted by MrMoonPie at 10:21 AM on August 22, 2005


You must be pretty picky (or lazy or timid) if you're an attractive woman who can't get laid despite trying.

Hit parties, look for friends of friends. Be brazen. Find a guy who you can see yourself doing, go up to him, and go to work. Butter him up. Let him know you like him. Smile and touch and compliment. If he seems promising but nothing happens the first time, don't let him escape without exchanging phone numbers. You can say you were looking for a friend with [common interest X] and you aren't letting this one go now that you've found one, so hand over the phone number buddy.

Then ask him on a date, if he doesn't ask you first. You don't have to proclaim it a date. Say you want to go to X (museum, movie, concert, out for a drink, whatever) and that you figure he'd be good company. If he says yes, he's interested in you or the event, and if you're interested in the event, you'll both have a good time no matter what.

And keep more than one line in the water. You can date more than one guy at a time, assuming no promises have been exchanged. You can meet other guys while you're at parties with the first guy. An attractive woman with a mind to it could have a different guy every night of the week. Just keep a calendar handy.
posted by pracowity at 10:42 AM on August 22, 2005


Oh, I want to second what meatbomb said about being obvious. I personally need to be hit over the head with a rubber mallet repeatedly until I go, "Huh? Oh."
posted by SpecialK at 10:49 AM on August 22, 2005


'Attractive" is really subjective. Secondly, most men are unable to resist the monster biological imperative that is sex. Go out to an art opening with a couple of friends, and see what happens. Also, it will be a little tougher if you are overweight, or if you have a child. But, you just need to get out there and spread your legs wings.
posted by The Jesse Helms at 10:57 AM on August 22, 2005


As someone who's pretty thick about 'noticing' signals girls send (or rather, I don't really realize it untill after the situation is over) let me say that it's very possible guys don't notice the signals you're sending.

Is all you want sex? or is there more to it then that? It would be easy to find a guy using an online dating service, I would bet. If you can get an attractive, 'sensual' picture of yourself posted, like, anywhere (friendfinder.com is a good one) you'll have tons of guys sending you messages (I would imagine).

You can get to know guys, and let them know exactly what you're intrested in all through the saftey and anonymity of a computer screen.

I'm sure I've outed myself as an ubernerd, but whatever.

---

If you are pretty good friends, or close aquentances of guys you'd like to bang, just let them know.
posted by delmoi at 10:58 AM on August 22, 2005


If you really want to get laid for the sake of getting laid, get a job as a bartender/barback. Do fri/sat night detail if you alreay have a 9-5 job. If you're attractive as you say, you will have no problem finding guys who want to bring home the girls behind the bar.
posted by jmd82 at 11:02 AM on August 22, 2005


I'm going to play the devil's advocate here, just for kicks - cause the online dating advice is probably the best answer for you. Feel free to ignore all that follows, it's nothing personal, just a different perspective.

I know that there's nothing terribly wrong with me (though sometimes it feels like that)

There isn't necessarily anything wrong with you, but there may be a problem with how you present yourself to people. I have male friends in their 30's, and here are a few topics of conversation with which women have recently tried to pick them up:

- Streams of complaints about how stressful her job is, how busy her schedule is, and how generally over-extended her time has become
- Her past and present abuse of prescription painkillers
- How emotionally difficult ending her last LTR has been
- Her expensive anti-depressants, and the difficulty of keeping her meds balanced (different girl than the painkiller abuser, thank god)
- Lengthy descriptions of surgeries/procedures her beloved dog underwent after breaking his back

....the list goes on. The men of MeFi are perhaps less discriminating than my friends (perhaps...), but none of these conversations ended with the girl getting laid, despite plenty of flirting, touching and making her intentions clear. Their responses ranged from abject boredom to the urge to flee the room -- out the window if necessary.

If you are out and about, meeting people and being sociable and still not getting longing looks from men, take a discerning look at your conversation skills. Do you talk exclusively about work and your job? Do you use social situations as an outlet to complain or vent about problems and issues? Are you asking questions about *them* and encouraging further conversation, or talking exclusively about yourself? Any of these tendancies will make you less attractive to the opposite sex.

If you're serious about meeting someone, the best thing you could do would be be to ask one of your girlfriends who bounces breezily from relationship to relationship why she thinks you're alone. Pick the girl most known for brutal honesty and hold her feet to the fire and make her give you straight and honest answers. Promise yourself (and her) that you'll still be friends afterwards. You may not like what you hear, but it could be the first step towards your future happiness.
posted by junkbox at 11:22 AM on August 22, 2005 [1 favorite]


And really, there's nothing wrong with dressing slutty and going out and getting drunk with a sober friend who could greenlight for you.
posted by The Jesse Helms at 11:42 AM on August 22, 2005


What TJH said, except scratch the getting drunk part. Dress sexy, go dancing, and dance shamelessly with some poor sap. Make out with him and, if he's a good kisser, tell him to change his plans for tommorow since you'll be spending the night at your place.
posted by nixerman at 11:46 AM on August 22, 2005


Thanks for so many responses. As far as the 'attractive' bit goes, I agree, it's completely subjective. I suppose I just mean that I'm tall, slim and have fairly striking looks. I did a bit of modeling work when I was younger, so I guess I'm more or less conventionally attractive. Obviously, that's not everyone's cup of tea, but I don't have two heads or anything.

junkbox, I think I'm partly afraid that your suggestions might be right (funny how sometimes one needs outside confirmation of this, even to the point of asking questions on the Internet. You've given me something concrete to think about there, thank you.
posted by ask me please at 11:48 AM on August 22, 2005


Oh, and also: I've tried online dating, but found it too depressing as I always seem to get millions of responses from men who are twice my age (or close to it) and with whom I have nothing in common. Perhaps this happens to everybody, of course, but on top of everything else it was a real downer. I might consider trying it again later on.
posted by ask me please at 11:54 AM on August 22, 2005


I always seem to get millions of responses from men who are twice my age (or close to it) and with whom I have nothing in common.

ask me please: Good filtering is the secret to successful internet dating. A profile should be designed to first encourage responses from appropriate candidates, and then to discourage responses from inappropriate candidates. There will always be a certain number of doofuses who reply anyway, and I guess you just delete those messages and move on.

You could always browse the men too, and respond to the ones that you like.
posted by agropyron at 12:06 PM on August 22, 2005


The men of MeFi are perhaps less discriminating than my friends (perhaps...), but none of these conversations ended with the girl getting laid, despite plenty of flirting, touching and making her intentions clear. Their responses ranged from abject boredom to the urge to flee the room -- out the window if necessary.

Bwahahahahaha... Oh, so frickin' TRUE. I know it's small talk, and it's an accessory almost to the real conversation (which is done with with body language and willpower...) but please, keep the small talk light and happy or I *will* flee out the window. Guys actually listen to what you're saying during the small talk phase...
posted by SpecialK at 12:36 PM on August 22, 2005


What sort of men are you interested in? Different sorts of men respond to different sorts of approaches. For instance, the shy bookish type (I'm speaking from personal experience) likes the woman to make the first move. If you're the type that likes the man to make the first move and you go after men like that, you wind up with a stalemate.
posted by grumblebee at 12:46 PM on August 22, 2005


Oh, and also: I've tried online dating, but found it too depressing as I always seem to get millions of responses from men who are twice my age (or close to it) and with whom I have nothing in common. Perhaps this happens to everybody, of course, but on top of everything else it was a real downer. I might consider trying it again later on.

I took halfhearted in highschool/collage stabs at online dating, mostly through hotornot's very cheap meetme feature. I do find it pretty dull, especially now. A friend of mine worked the net constantly, and got laid a surprising number of times, but personally I can't imagine chatting up the sort of average-intelligence people for hours on end that he seemed to do (about all kinds of inane things too, bleh).

But yeah, I totally realize that it can be very tedious.

I don't have much experience with the higher-end dating sites, but there might be some who let you search and filter based on age, etc. And you can always say stuff like "NO MEN OVER 38!" (Or whatever) in your profile.

What TJH said, except scratch the getting drunk part. Dress sexy, go dancing, and dance shamelessly with some poor sap.

A little bit of booze does tend to make you a lot more outgoing. It definitely makes it easier for me to flirt. There's no reason to get sloppy drunk, of course.
posted by delmoi at 12:50 PM on August 22, 2005


grumblebee has it. you will have to make first moves sometimes. hell, why can't you be the one doing the approaching? but don't put all your money on one poney. that is, don't worry if the first guy you like who you approach responds negatively. oh yeah, and don't just settle for shit because you want to get laid. then again, i'm somebody who holds out for some weird notion of 'standards'. . .maybe to a fault.
posted by punkbitch at 1:10 PM on August 22, 2005



Men never approach me

why?
I know that there's nothing terribly wrong with me (though sometimes it feels like that),

Happy things happen to happy people. It’s all in the smile, which says confidence, especially while alone. Good Luck!
posted by thomcatspike at 1:14 PM on August 22, 2005


Good Luck!

Thanks thomcatspike.

It’s all in the smile, which says confidence, especially while alone.

Truly, I'm not trying to be a smartarse, but don't you think it would be pretty scary if everyone walked around smiling all the time while alone? Somehow I don't think that would say "confidence" as much as "craziness", which probably isn't quite as attractive a quality.

grumblebee has it. you will have to make first moves sometimes. hell, why can't you be the one doing the approaching?

Oh definitely, but my point is that all my encounters have been, uh, encouraged by me. And I reckon that there must be something in that. Some great suggestions here, too.
posted by ask me please at 1:32 PM on August 22, 2005


Oh definitely, but my point is that all my encounters have been, uh, encouraged by me. And I reckon that there must be something in that. Some great suggestions here, too.

If you're really attractive most men will assume you're not interested in them. Guys go after chicks they think are attainable.

This might sound counterintuitive, but if you pay less attention to your looks (like not wearing makeup, not wearing expensive clothes, a little disheveled) you might actually get more guys hitting on you, thinking you're more attainable. Not that I know this for certain, but it's a possibility.

I always hear about models, actresses, and so on complain about not getting hit on very much.
posted by delmoi at 1:40 PM on August 22, 2005


all my encounters have been, uh, encouraged by me.

This is my point. What KIND of man are you encouraging? Maybe you are always going after the sort of man who won't instigate things.

I think there's truth to what delmoi says, too. Many men won't bother with women they assume to be out of their league. They don't want to risk the rejection. Again (perhaps unfortunately) this means (with such men) you'd have to make the first move.
posted by grumblebee at 1:47 PM on August 22, 2005


Truly, I'm not trying to be a smartarse, but don't you think it would be pretty scary if everyone walked around smiling all the time while alone? Somehow I don't think that would say "confidence" as much as "craziness", which probably isn't quite as attractive a quality.

I don't agree with that . My wife always has a smile on her face. Believe it or not, it's somewhat familial in nature. Anyway, I've noticed that people never hesitate to approach her, whether she's alone or in a crowd, and I chalk it up to that dang smile. It's not that she isn't a nice person otherwise, but that smile just makes people want to talk to her.
posted by SteveInMaine at 1:47 PM on August 22, 2005


(like not wearing makeup, not wearing expensive clothes, a little disheveled)

Had to laugh at this, you just described me to a T, especially the "a little disheveled" bit, so probably it's not my glamor that puts them off :P

I have to admit that I probably seem scarily self-sufficient, though. An acquaintance told me recently (apropos of nothing much) that I seem very content by myself and happy to be single, and I know that I'm far more independent than the average person. I've read many tips above that I would do well to listen to. I'm really grateful for all this input.
posted by ask me please at 1:52 PM on August 22, 2005


Truly, I'm not trying to be a smartarse, but don't you think it would be pretty scary if everyone walked around smiling all the time while alone? Somehow I don't think that would say "confidence" as much as "craziness", which probably isn't quite as attractive a quality.

Well, I don't think thomcatspike was literally suggesting you walk around with a deranged smile plastered to your face all the time (!), but I certainly found that learning to project more cheerful, confident body/facial language made a huge difference in terms of intereacting with interesting guys to have good (and flirty!) conversations with as I was going through my recent 2+ year dry spell. Hold your chin up, your shoulders back, and your arms to your side (rather than crossing your arms in front of you). Even if smiling unbidden feels unnatural, at least make sure you're not unconsciously scowling (as I've been known to do in moments of absentmindedness or insecurity). Appearing open -- not easy, not desperate, but simply approachable -- can go a long way.

As for conversation, I second the suggestions to examine what your small talk/chat topics are like. Complaints about work, details about family/pet/health issues, etc. are the conversational kiss of death when you're getting to know someone. Talk (and ask) about interests/pursuits that you genuinely enjoy. What are you enthusiastic about? What makes you happy? What do you look forward to? What would you like to do that you've never done before? Those, in my experience, have been the path to finding people (romantic or not) to really click with.
posted by scody at 1:52 PM on August 22, 2005


I second, or third, the comment about "being out of their league" as being a possible reason you are not approached (that often? at all?).

Reminds (albeit tangentially) me of what a comic once said :
"Scientists have discovered that the first thing a woman does when she sees an attractive male is ignore them. I MUST BE GORGEOUS!"
posted by eurasian at 2:18 PM on August 22, 2005


don't you think it would be pretty scary if everyone walked around smiling all the time while alone?
Wow...Honestly, what kind of world do you live in that you think it matters what people think, especially the thinking "scary"?
Help me to, erm, get laid.

I'd stop thinking about the “getting laid", as that may be your first step being laid. I use to care what people thought, which only made me less liked around people. Loosen up, let your hair down, and do try new things. Since the old you has not done well here.
posted by thomcatspike at 2:19 PM on August 22, 2005


ignore last comment, hit post by mistake
don't you think it would be pretty scary if everyone walked around smiling all the time while alone?
Wow...Honestly, what kind of world do you live in that you think it matters what people think, especially the thinking "scary"?

I once cared what people thought of me, which only made me less liked around people. Loosen up, let your hair down, and do try new things.
Also, stop thinking about the “getting laid", as that may be your first step being laid.
posted by thomcatspike at 2:25 PM on August 22, 2005


ask me please - the self-sufficiency thing makes me wonder if you tend to be very inwardly focused. Do you notice guys that you would like to have approach you or are you just hoping that some guy will swoop in out of nowhere.

If you do notice guys that you would like to have approach you, what specific techniques do you currently use to let them know you're interested in them (short of approaching them yourself which you know from past experience will work for you)?

I know that upthread somebody mentioned asking the popular girls what they do. As another thought, do you have male (or female) friends who could critique your approach when you're in a public setting? That might give you more useful feedback then the guesses you're going to get form the Internet that doesn't really know you.
posted by willnot at 2:39 PM on August 22, 2005


I'm not sure I am correct, but do you want to get laid or do you want a relationship? Not good with the last one, but not bad with the first one (strangely).

Firstly there's where do you meet people? Do you hang around in bars or big parties with strangers and friends and friends of friends, because there's where I meet most new people.

I've come to realise that men are about as wary as women when it comes to approach other people, there's no reason why you should not take the first step and approach someone.

So; Find someone you like the looks of (or happen to stand beside) and smile. I usually start with a line like "So, who're you?" (or later in the evening; "are you fun?"), talk a bit. Smile! Flirt! Laugh! Be interested and interesting! (there has been a couple of good threads about flirting here). I've found that it doesn't take long before you discover whether you like him or not. If the answer is not (or he only talks about his ex/girl/boyfriend) take your drink, smile pleasantly and say "nice to meet you" and leave. If he excuses himself and leaves, forget about him, he was probably boring and bad in bed anyway. If you like him, continue talking. If he's still there after ten (five?) minutes he's more than interested. And then you are allowed to flirt quite shamelessly, which you should do.

Now here's the difficult point I find difficult. If you like talking to him and would like to talk to him more (sober?) you can say something like "It would be wonderful to talk to you sometime without this loud music and these obnoxious people... So, Um, can I have your number?" You can of course hope he'll ask for your number first, but that will never happen.

Or, if there's sparkage, flirt a bit more and drag him home in bed. Women can be more forward than men I've found. Many men I've met actually says they'd love a girl ask them "Want to have sex?", but know they'd get a purse/drink in the face and knee in the privates if they ask the same question . And for your information the line works pretty well. At least at 3am. But usually it's not needed.

About looks and dressing up, I don't know, most of the men I've talked to say that they are a bit scared of the very well groomed, striking looking, dressed to kill women, I think it is more important to be comfortable in your own skin, though cleave never hurts. Of course, that depends on who you are, whom you find interesting, where you go. I tend to hang around in dark pubs (overweight, little make up, comfy clothes and shoes) drinking beer and listening to rock/metal. If you like the business/law type I would guess other rules applies.

Anyway, the bottom line is; the men our age are clueless. We are too subtle. It does not compute. You lose nothing by approaching them. Bring condoms.
posted by mummimamma at 2:56 PM on August 22, 2005


I second scody's advice. Don't scowl, don't complain. If you seem reasonably cheerful (which does not necessarily imply a constant smile) and are flirty/flattering with the guy, you're likely to get good results.

As for the online thing, you definitely have to tailor your ad. I started out with a standard-issue "I like blah blah, sense of humor, blah blah" ad much like a million others, and got totally unsuitable responses. Then I got pissed off, deleted it, and scribbled down some surly crap that unaccountably attracted exactly the right kind of women. Get feedback from friends, and good luck!
posted by languagehat at 3:55 PM on August 22, 2005


A few years ago I felt precisely like you. I had spent too much time on books and work and not enough time on life, and didn't remember how to date, and I felt sort of hopeless. I tried online dating for a while, and gave guys a chance even if there was no immediate spark just to see how things went, and to sort of "learn" how to be in a couple and on a date. I didn't write my own ad, I picked out guys' ads, because then I didn't have to deal with the crazy people, and I could do a little more of the choosing up front instead of feeling obliged to go out with any random guys who expressed an interest.

I really think if you just get yourself out there and go on "dates," you will teach yourself what works for you while you're on them. And on line dating makes finding a "date" pretty straightforward. Anyway, that was how I got to the point where I was happy and balanced. The way that I got to the point where I fell in love and got engaged was by going to a Metafilter meetup, but that's a whole other story.

Good luck to you!
posted by onlyconnect at 4:29 PM on August 22, 2005


Well, askme, you may have had your fill of advice, but I have a thought or two. I've heard of men being threatened by intelligent, self-assured women, though that's far from my own stance, but it's a safe bet that those aren't men who will hold your interest for long anyway.

I'll tell you what's worked for me: internet yes, but singles sites NO. When I find my way to the better sort of venues, and involve myself in a bit of casual or vigorous textual intercourse about topics that interest me, with bright and witty people, linkages sort of form naturally.

It's good to start with something in common, especially when that thing is not loneliness/ horniness behind carefully constructed facades. If you should find yourself getting interested in someone, you have a clue about who he is.

Interest groups (where the interest isn't getting laid) are the net version of an introduction by a mutual friend; singles sites are "clap clinic" fern bars. I've traveled to meet women who catch my fancy and with whom I share chemistry, and had them come to me, and I've seldom been disappointed.

I think of it as getting to know people from the inside out, which makes sense to me: hearing what they have to say, how they think, first. Starting with physical encounter makes it too easy to get distracted, to disapprove of some trivial thing or other: Shoes not shiny, unflattering dress, bad hair day, superficial stuff like that, irrelevant to what makes a good friend or a good lover. Physical magnetism is supremely important of course, but that's what digital cameras are for. The brain is as important a sex organ as any, kinda sorta. I suspect you feel the same way to some degree, though after five years you must sometimes be tempted to lunge at the nearest warm body.

One memorable affair started with a correspondence lasting weeks, during which I thought I was talking to a MAN. (The lady was using her roommate's computer and account and nom de net.) I was unimpeachably unencumbered by ulterior motives. So we became friends without any sexual overtones or undertones, which made a fine foundation for the eventual fireworks.

It's harder to find a mind that fits than a crotch that fits, and isn't a crotch so much more rewarding when the person attached to it actually has something to say the next morning? (Call me old-fashioned....)

Good luck. If you try every suggestion in every comment thus far, you may not get laid, but you'll be too busy to notice.
posted by clicktosubmit at 6:22 PM on August 22, 2005 [1 favorite]


At least for getting someone's attention and keeping it--make eye contact and smile. Make it geniune.

A smile from a woman often turns a hard man into a puddle of goo.
posted by zardoz at 6:28 PM on August 22, 2005


Okay, I think you and I might have some things in common. I'm independent and love being single. I generally don't like people and I tend to give off "get away" vibes. Here's how I get laid:

1) Networking. I tell my friends I really need to get laid. Once in a while, something pans out and I get a nice hookup out of it

2) Get happy. I find that when something really great has happened to me - like I got a raise or a new job or something - and I'm feeling really good and energetic, that's when strangers approach me and ask me to parties and stuff. You don't have to go around grinning like an idiot, but when someone smiles at you, smile back and see how it goes.

3) Touching. Lots of touching. When you're trying to get someone closer, touch your hair or neck. I swear I saw an informal test of "flirting" somewhere that looked at how men reacted to a pretty woman who sat quietly at a bar vs. an average woman who flipped her hair a lot. Guess who got hit on more? Plus, when I've decided that the guy I'm talking to is a "sure thing", I'll give lingering touches on his arm or thigh.

4) Listen. Lean in, look fascinated, nod and smile. Laugh and touch his arm. You're a confident woman and that can be intimidating, so you have to make an extra effort to show that you're interested. You have to be just as open as you are attractive or your potential suitors will be shooting themselves in the feet.

5) Salon or personals. Yes, you will get stupid messages. Ignore them. Spend a few bucks on credits so you can message people you're interested in. It doesn't always have to be the guy who sends the first message, and I've reconsidered a few people I'd initially passed on, based on something smart they said in a message to me. The same can work for you. And after all, isn't getting laid worth the few bucks you'll spend on credits?
posted by stefanie at 8:12 PM on August 22, 2005


Truly, I'm not trying to be a smartarse, but don't you think it would be pretty scary if everyone walked around smiling all the time while alone? Somehow I don't think that would say "confidence" as much as "craziness", which probably isn't quite as attractive a quality.

If this is your first reaction to the suggestion of smiling, then, of everything you've indicated here, this strikes me as the best candidate for the answer to "why am I always overlooked?"

It's a cliche, but a smile (along with the confident, shoulders-back posture already mentioned) really is the most attractive thing one can put on.
posted by Zed_Lopez at 8:32 PM on August 22, 2005


I agree with Zed Lopez one billion percent. I have good periods and bad periods with this and the good periods are when I'm comfortable with myself. But knowing what I know about hetero culture, I'd say remember to be friendly, too, or men may be intimidated by your confidence. It's a shame it works that way, but it's true.

Sometimes exploring something that isn't quite "relationship material" can help you overcome your immediate physical deperation and build some confidence after a long dry spell. I hate to say it, but try lowering your standards just to get the ball rolling. This might sound like taking advantage of other people, but as a woman you rarely have to feel bad for having sex with some guy who otherwise wouldn't be in your class. Trust me, you're doing him a favor and his heart will mend.

The other thing is to get out there more. You can be cocky and hot to trot as all hell but if you're sitting at home you're in for another lonely night. If you think there are cool people on the internet, and you wouldn't be on MeFi if you didn't, then try browsing the personals.

For god's sake don't start wondering what's wrong with you. It's hard to meet new single people of quality in this culture of marital bliss and shame about sex. Everyone's either putting on a big show of how happy their relationship is, or they're underground fucking like weasels. It ain't easy to stride into the middle of that and find purchase.
posted by scarabic at 12:20 AM on August 23, 2005


I don't think that would say "confidence" as much as "craziness", which probably isn't quite as attractive a quality.

Ha. Crazy is sexy, friend. Didn't you know?

At least... the walking around smiling part of crazy is sexy. The calling you up at 3am with razor blade in hand part of crazy... not so much.

But whatever. Don't fake it. Sounds like it's not the right tactic for you. Perhaps walking around with one brastrap showing is more your speed, and can have much the same effect.
posted by scarabic at 12:23 AM on August 23, 2005


I don't know. To me your question doesn't really even make sense. You're obviously not the type of woman to go out and have one-night stands. And there are definitely places where any woman with a modicum of attractiveness can go to get laid. And you haven't been going there. And yet, you are asking how to get laid.

So I think you're actually not serious. I mean, I don't think you're lying or anything. I think you're just not really clear on what you want here. This sounds more like sexual frustration to me.

Which is completely understandable. I'm kind of in the complementary situation that (I project) you are in. A good looking guy, hasn't dated a lot recently, fairly mystified at the lack of activity. But I think what the real secret is that you haven't really fully opened yourself up to what kind of social situation is going to be your best fit yet.

In other words, I agree with the people that are saying that you haven't been approaching the kind of guys that are going to be apt to want to just get laid. And maybe that's a good thing. I think I personally must just have some freaky uncanny sense of radar that immediately renders invisible any woman that might be willing to have sex with me on a first date, because on some level that's actually pretty unattractive to me.

Look at it this way - can you even imagine a guy that you'd want to have sex with, that you *know* you wouldn't ever want to be involved with? If not, then I bet any potential sexual conquest immediately gets wrapped up in more hopeful romantic feelings that make you want to idealize it and take it slow. And then since you feel conflicted, it all twists up and gets confused, and then he probably senses it and disappears. Yeah! That must be what is happening to me, I mean, you!

Where was I?
posted by tunesmith at 2:25 AM on August 23, 2005


Nothing sexier than showing interest in the other person, rather than talking about yourself.

Of course this could go awry if they're following the same advice.


Hi, so let's talk about you!

You're so sweet. But I'm really more interested in you.

And I in you. Do tell me about yourself.

No. You tell me.

You first, bitch!

Start talking NOW, asshole!



And so to bed...
posted by mono blanco at 2:36 AM on August 23, 2005


I think most of the stuff I was going to say has been covered, other than a few things (some of this may be beginner stuff, but worth mentioning):

- If you're thinking of going the friends-with-benefits route, be very sure that you'd be okay with losing that person as a friend if/when things (inevitably) get weird.

- It sounds like you dont just want some random fratboy loser 20-seconds-then-asleep thing. In which case, try the quiet boy at the end of the bar.

- If you try to go into it not expecting anything in particular, you will end up doing a lot better for yourself. Even the slightest hint of desperation will immediately cause even the horniest guy (or girl) to turn tail and run.

- Eye contact, being open and genuinely interested in what he has to say are essential. Note that this does not mean that you have to sit there and listen to him babble on and on about nothing, try to engage him with something you're interested in, i.e. "I love to surf, have you ever been to such-and-such beach". Early conversations should be like tennis in that each time you talk you should try to set up something for the other person to respond to.

- Be as direct as possible. When you have found your potential *Coff* partner, you might try something like "I've enjoyed talking with you and find you really attractive, so if you were to ask me to come home with you, I'd probably say yes". Say it with a wicked gleam, and you're golden.

- The next day, if you want to see him again, say so, without putting him on the spot to have to respond right then. If you really felt a connection, dont necessarily feel the need to discard it just because you set it up in your head as a one night stand. If it feels right, get his number. At the very least, it sounds like you'll have an appreciative partner for the next time.


...at least, this is all stuff that would work with me.
posted by softlord at 8:25 PM on August 23, 2005


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