Am I normal, or am I completely crazy?
March 4, 2009 8:15 AM Subscribe
For once I'm the dumper, not the dumpee, and I am utterly, horribly miserable. I can't figure out if what I'm going through is normal, and if I've made the right decision...
First things first - my history in relationships involves me rarely being single for any length of time, and diving quickly into long term things. 6 months, for me, has probably been my "shortest." My history also has involved me being cheated on by every one of these girl I dated for 6 months, 1 year, 2 years, etc... - except this last one, my longest by far. We'll call it more than 5, and less than 10. I was her first love. I'm sure that, to some extent, this is a factor in what went wrong.
I was with this girl for enough years that friends thought it absurd we never talked about marriage, etc.
On and off, several times throughout our relationship, I would find fault and decide that maybe I should move on. However, instead of moving on, I stayed with her. After all, for once I wasn't being cheated on. She hadn't done anything wrong, so how could I dump her? I realize what a horrible, weak person this makes me, and how I should have broken it off long ago instead of prolonging it. I realize this and it kills me.
The problems:
- We were totally uncommunicative about "us". We never once discussed marriage, moving in, etc in our several years together. I realize how utterly insane this is, and I have no clue how we managed to completely avoid it for such a very long time.
- Our relationship often lacked passion. She didn't kiss me like she loved me. We didn't have that playful physicality, etc. I thought maybe this just went away because we'd been together so long, and that that was normal after a certain amount of time. Is it?
- She is very shy and introverted, making social outings with my friends (often also introverted, but at least social) miserable for me. Mind you, she wasn't doing anything to make things miserable -- she just wasn't doing anything at all! She would hardly talk to my friends at all.
- This is really more my problem than hers, I guess, but I feed strongly on the emotional state of those with me. Even if she's having a good time, she expresses very little of it outwardly (i.e. at a concert, a sporting event, etc) -- so I spend my entire time at that event feeling crappy that she doesn't seem to be having a good time.
Basically, it's not that she did anything "wrong" -- it's just that we didn't seem to have chemistry anymore, and weren't working out. I didn't feel like I could spend the rest of my life with someone who didn't seem to express any actual enjoyment of the time we spent together, who couldn't socialize at least a little bit with my friends, etc.
I took WAY too long to do something about this. I realize what a horrible, weak person this makes me. I realize I should have broken up with her much sooner - especially because I was her first long term relationship, and I have crushed this girl's heart. I just kept thinking in the back of my mind "maybe this will turn around ... she hasn't done anything wrong... and she hasn't cheated on me!"
So, the breakup.... it was the most miserable several hours of my life. Finally, after I tell her it's over, that's when it comes out that she's wanted to be with me forever... that she's wanted to grow old with me, but been afraid to talk to me about it for fear of scaring me away... This seems normal for a while - maybe even a year or two... but several years? I think she should have felt comfortable talking to me if she wanted to. I don't place blame on her, though. I didn't initiate these types of conversations, either.
The problem, and the question:
It has been 4 days and I cannot stop reliving the breakup. I am going through a lot of other things right now too, with a dying relative, an immediate family member having a serious surgery, and a variety of other things, which certainly aren't helping my emotional state. I cannot stop re-hearing all of her begging and pleading for me to not leave. Seeing the tears in her eyes and feeling the snot on my neck as she bawled her eyes out in my arms, screaming bloody murder because I had just stabbed her in the heart.
The breakup plays in my head constantly. I see how upset I've made her, how I have crushed her, and it makes me feel horrible, weak and worthless. It makes me feel like one of the worst human beings alive. I thought being the dumper was supposed to be easier, but it's not. I cannot stop thinking about her and what I've done to her. I am obsessive about it.
I am also obsessive about our last communication - an email she sent quickly after the breakup where she noted that, as I suggested, she would be spending time with family and friends and trying to be strong. She specifically mentioned a friend had come to visit her, and while she was not specific, I know who that friend is. It's a guy who's been waiting to get into her pants for every single solitary moment that she and I have been together. I have known that he has been making not-so-subtle hints to her throughout our relationship, and that she has not reciprocated. I realize I've broken up with her, and she is no longer "mine" - she can do whatever she wants. I still can't help but feel sick to my stomach knowing that literally within hours, he is swooping in and taking advantage of her state of mind right now.
She also begged me in that email that this be a "break", not a "break up", and that we meet again in 2 weeks. I did not capitulate to this demand, as I felt that leading her on would be even more wrong than how long it took to finally voice my opinion about our relationship and break it off.
Finally, the questions:
Am I normal for obsessing over this breakup, even as the dumper and not the dumpee?
Am I crazy / stupid for worrying about this jerk who's been pining for her for several years now and is immediately rushing in?
After several years of a non communicative relationship - now that we've finally broken the ice during a breakup - is she right that now that we're finally talking, maybe we could/should try to salvage it and see what it's like when we communicate? I was so sure of my decision that we just weren't compatible. Now I'm doubting myself. Maybe I've been spurned so many times that I am just looking for an excuse to get out and avoid having it happen again?
I am a complete wreck. I am holding back tears every day at work. The breakup replays in my head when I'm laying in bed until I finally fall asleep. It replays in my head immediately upon waking up. I am doubting myself and my decision and I am at a complete loss. I don't know what to do with myself anymore.
All I do know is that as much as I want to contact her, I know I can't. I won't. I will wait the 2 weeks that we agreed to. The 2 weeks that she begged me for. I just don't know that all the time in the world will ever sort this out.
First things first - my history in relationships involves me rarely being single for any length of time, and diving quickly into long term things. 6 months, for me, has probably been my "shortest." My history also has involved me being cheated on by every one of these girl I dated for 6 months, 1 year, 2 years, etc... - except this last one, my longest by far. We'll call it more than 5, and less than 10. I was her first love. I'm sure that, to some extent, this is a factor in what went wrong.
I was with this girl for enough years that friends thought it absurd we never talked about marriage, etc.
On and off, several times throughout our relationship, I would find fault and decide that maybe I should move on. However, instead of moving on, I stayed with her. After all, for once I wasn't being cheated on. She hadn't done anything wrong, so how could I dump her? I realize what a horrible, weak person this makes me, and how I should have broken it off long ago instead of prolonging it. I realize this and it kills me.
The problems:
- We were totally uncommunicative about "us". We never once discussed marriage, moving in, etc in our several years together. I realize how utterly insane this is, and I have no clue how we managed to completely avoid it for such a very long time.
- Our relationship often lacked passion. She didn't kiss me like she loved me. We didn't have that playful physicality, etc. I thought maybe this just went away because we'd been together so long, and that that was normal after a certain amount of time. Is it?
- She is very shy and introverted, making social outings with my friends (often also introverted, but at least social) miserable for me. Mind you, she wasn't doing anything to make things miserable -- she just wasn't doing anything at all! She would hardly talk to my friends at all.
- This is really more my problem than hers, I guess, but I feed strongly on the emotional state of those with me. Even if she's having a good time, she expresses very little of it outwardly (i.e. at a concert, a sporting event, etc) -- so I spend my entire time at that event feeling crappy that she doesn't seem to be having a good time.
Basically, it's not that she did anything "wrong" -- it's just that we didn't seem to have chemistry anymore, and weren't working out. I didn't feel like I could spend the rest of my life with someone who didn't seem to express any actual enjoyment of the time we spent together, who couldn't socialize at least a little bit with my friends, etc.
I took WAY too long to do something about this. I realize what a horrible, weak person this makes me. I realize I should have broken up with her much sooner - especially because I was her first long term relationship, and I have crushed this girl's heart. I just kept thinking in the back of my mind "maybe this will turn around ... she hasn't done anything wrong... and she hasn't cheated on me!"
So, the breakup.... it was the most miserable several hours of my life. Finally, after I tell her it's over, that's when it comes out that she's wanted to be with me forever... that she's wanted to grow old with me, but been afraid to talk to me about it for fear of scaring me away... This seems normal for a while - maybe even a year or two... but several years? I think she should have felt comfortable talking to me if she wanted to. I don't place blame on her, though. I didn't initiate these types of conversations, either.
The problem, and the question:
It has been 4 days and I cannot stop reliving the breakup. I am going through a lot of other things right now too, with a dying relative, an immediate family member having a serious surgery, and a variety of other things, which certainly aren't helping my emotional state. I cannot stop re-hearing all of her begging and pleading for me to not leave. Seeing the tears in her eyes and feeling the snot on my neck as she bawled her eyes out in my arms, screaming bloody murder because I had just stabbed her in the heart.
The breakup plays in my head constantly. I see how upset I've made her, how I have crushed her, and it makes me feel horrible, weak and worthless. It makes me feel like one of the worst human beings alive. I thought being the dumper was supposed to be easier, but it's not. I cannot stop thinking about her and what I've done to her. I am obsessive about it.
I am also obsessive about our last communication - an email she sent quickly after the breakup where she noted that, as I suggested, she would be spending time with family and friends and trying to be strong. She specifically mentioned a friend had come to visit her, and while she was not specific, I know who that friend is. It's a guy who's been waiting to get into her pants for every single solitary moment that she and I have been together. I have known that he has been making not-so-subtle hints to her throughout our relationship, and that she has not reciprocated. I realize I've broken up with her, and she is no longer "mine" - she can do whatever she wants. I still can't help but feel sick to my stomach knowing that literally within hours, he is swooping in and taking advantage of her state of mind right now.
She also begged me in that email that this be a "break", not a "break up", and that we meet again in 2 weeks. I did not capitulate to this demand, as I felt that leading her on would be even more wrong than how long it took to finally voice my opinion about our relationship and break it off.
Finally, the questions:
Am I normal for obsessing over this breakup, even as the dumper and not the dumpee?
Am I crazy / stupid for worrying about this jerk who's been pining for her for several years now and is immediately rushing in?
After several years of a non communicative relationship - now that we've finally broken the ice during a breakup - is she right that now that we're finally talking, maybe we could/should try to salvage it and see what it's like when we communicate? I was so sure of my decision that we just weren't compatible. Now I'm doubting myself. Maybe I've been spurned so many times that I am just looking for an excuse to get out and avoid having it happen again?
I am a complete wreck. I am holding back tears every day at work. The breakup replays in my head when I'm laying in bed until I finally fall asleep. It replays in my head immediately upon waking up. I am doubting myself and my decision and I am at a complete loss. I don't know what to do with myself anymore.
All I do know is that as much as I want to contact her, I know I can't. I won't. I will wait the 2 weeks that we agreed to. The 2 weeks that she begged me for. I just don't know that all the time in the world will ever sort this out.
It has been 4 days
There's your answer right there. Give it time. It's a cliché, but it works.
posted by Solomon at 8:41 AM on March 4, 2009 [3 favorites]
There's your answer right there. Give it time. It's a cliché, but it works.
posted by Solomon at 8:41 AM on March 4, 2009 [3 favorites]
I am a complete wreck. I am holding back tears every day at work. The breakup replays in my head when I'm laying in bed until I finally fall asleep. It replays in my head immediately upon waking up.
This was my experience after ending a five year relationship (with someone that I still loved; but it had to be done). The awful feeling of ever-present guilt lasted several months; I continued to tear up at the oddest times (with decreasing frequency over time), and I still feel bad when I think of it, over a year later. It is completely human and normal to feel awful when we have made someone else feel awful. If you know that you made the right decision, however, don't let it influence that decision...coming back over and over to something you know will not work will just make it harder for her in the long run, as well as yourself.
posted by frobozz at 8:42 AM on March 4, 2009
She didn't kiss me like she loved me. We didn't have that playful physicality, etc. I thought maybe this just went away because we'd been together so long, and that that was normal after a certain amount of time. Is it?
Nope. I say this with a ongoing nine year relationship. The passion doesn't go away. When you find the right person, you don't have to "settle".
maybe we could/should try to salvage it and see what it's like when we communicate? I was so sure of my decision that we just weren't compatible. Now I'm doubting myself.
I've always wanted to say this in a relationship thread, but every time I go to answer, a hundred people have made this point more eloquently and thoughtfully than I could. But since I'm here early, I might as well say it - If you have to ask the question, you already know the answer. Which is to say, if you ask yourself "Should I really be with this person?" when you're with them, then frankly, the answer is no. You asked the question, you acted on it - you knew the answer then and you know it now. It's not a pleasurably thing to break up with someone you care about, but it's a worse thing to try and convince yourself you love someone when you don't. Hang in there, it'll all get better - for both of you - in time.
posted by iivix at 8:44 AM on March 4, 2009 [6 favorites]
Nope. I say this with a ongoing nine year relationship. The passion doesn't go away. When you find the right person, you don't have to "settle".
maybe we could/should try to salvage it and see what it's like when we communicate? I was so sure of my decision that we just weren't compatible. Now I'm doubting myself.
I've always wanted to say this in a relationship thread, but every time I go to answer, a hundred people have made this point more eloquently and thoughtfully than I could. But since I'm here early, I might as well say it - If you have to ask the question, you already know the answer. Which is to say, if you ask yourself "Should I really be with this person?" when you're with them, then frankly, the answer is no. You asked the question, you acted on it - you knew the answer then and you know it now. It's not a pleasurably thing to break up with someone you care about, but it's a worse thing to try and convince yourself you love someone when you don't. Hang in there, it'll all get better - for both of you - in time.
posted by iivix at 8:44 AM on March 4, 2009 [6 favorites]
You mention several times realizing what a horrible and weak person this makes you. Please stop that. This seems very normal, and realizing you are being normal and human will help you.
posted by kingbenny at 8:47 AM on March 4, 2009 [5 favorites]
posted by kingbenny at 8:47 AM on March 4, 2009 [5 favorites]
You do not say one thing in your description that suggests you have any genuine desire for this relationship to continue. Basically you are just consumed with guilt for how hard she took it. If you had a flicker of real desire for the relationship to continue, just "fixed," you would have jumped at the "two week reset" opportunity offered to you. If you get back together with her you are seriously going to end up going through this all again. Think real hard about that.
It's not strange that you're unhappy about your (completely lacking in evidence) belief that some dude is moving in on her. It is also not any of your business.
It hasn't been any time at all. You've got a lot of stuff going on. You need to stop beating yourself up over the timing. Breaking up is rarely easy and in the situation where the problem is a sort of chronic, foundational deficiency rather than any kind of acute crisis is incredibly hard to negotiate. You did her a favor, you did yourself a favor, now give her some credit. She's not going through anything most of us have gone through. She can deal with Mr. Alleged Cassanova herself. Don't give her any hope of your relationship. You're under no obligation to wait two weeks to tell her that you are sure of your decision. Stringing her along in any sense at all, even by just leaving it out there as a possibility, is cruel. Along with that give up any idea of helping her adjust or making it any easier for her. You can't help her now.
posted by nanojath at 8:49 AM on March 4, 2009
It's not strange that you're unhappy about your (completely lacking in evidence) belief that some dude is moving in on her. It is also not any of your business.
It hasn't been any time at all. You've got a lot of stuff going on. You need to stop beating yourself up over the timing. Breaking up is rarely easy and in the situation where the problem is a sort of chronic, foundational deficiency rather than any kind of acute crisis is incredibly hard to negotiate. You did her a favor, you did yourself a favor, now give her some credit. She's not going through anything most of us have gone through. She can deal with Mr. Alleged Cassanova herself. Don't give her any hope of your relationship. You're under no obligation to wait two weeks to tell her that you are sure of your decision. Stringing her along in any sense at all, even by just leaving it out there as a possibility, is cruel. Along with that give up any idea of helping her adjust or making it any easier for her. You can't help her now.
posted by nanojath at 8:49 AM on March 4, 2009
When you're accustomed to being the dumpee, and suddenly find yourself in the dumper's chair, it can be a shock to realize that breakups are still awful and painful. Even if you know it's the right thing, even if you're the instigator. It's a cardinal rule: breakups suck. They just do. You're going to be guilty and lonely and miserable for a while. But it will pass. I promise. Take heart--what you're going through is completely normal.
posted by collectallfour at 8:51 AM on March 4, 2009
posted by collectallfour at 8:51 AM on March 4, 2009
She's not going through anything most of us have gone through.
She's not going through anything most of us have NOT ALSO gone through, rather.
posted by nanojath at 8:51 AM on March 4, 2009
She's not going through anything most of us have NOT ALSO gone through, rather.
posted by nanojath at 8:51 AM on March 4, 2009
How did you try and sort out your problems with her during the relationship? Or did you break up rather than try and sort them out? That's not clear. Regardless, it's your prerogative whether you want to end things or not. As others have said, all it takes it time and being incommunicado to get over things, generally.
posted by chunking express at 8:51 AM on March 4, 2009
posted by chunking express at 8:51 AM on March 4, 2009
I mentioned I still feel bad now, but I should note it's not a terrible feeling anymore, just sort of a melancholy one that pops up rather infrequently. In part because the distance of increasing time will soften the first emotional response and let you look at the situation more rationally, and you will most likely continue to believe that the decision was for the best.
I just don't know that all the time in the world will ever sort this out.
It will come right eventually.
posted by frobozz at 8:51 AM on March 4, 2009
I just don't know that all the time in the world will ever sort this out.
It will come right eventually.
posted by frobozz at 8:51 AM on March 4, 2009
I was in a similar situation a while back, and can totally empathize. You really need to speak to a therapist about this. Just find out which ones your insurance covers (if you're insured) call them up and say "I was wondering if you are taking new patients." If you strike up a good conversation with them over the phone then schedule an appointment.
The key thing you need to work on (and a therapist will help you with) is your feeling of obligation to this person. This is likely a cornerstone to what's causing you to feel worthless in this situation.
Good luck!
posted by xotis at 8:56 AM on March 4, 2009
The key thing you need to work on (and a therapist will help you with) is your feeling of obligation to this person. This is likely a cornerstone to what's causing you to feel worthless in this situation.
Good luck!
posted by xotis at 8:56 AM on March 4, 2009
Response by poster: How did you try and sort out your problems with her during the relationship? Or did you break up rather than try and sort them out? That's not clear. Regardless, it's your prerogative whether you want to end things or not. As others have said, all it takes it time and being incommunicado to get over things, generally.
We really never gave sorting things out a chance... it was completely bizarre to the point of being unbelievable... in several years, we never once had a "relationship fight", or even a "relationship talk"... not once.. not until the breakup...
posted by doompuppy at 9:00 AM on March 4, 2009
We really never gave sorting things out a chance... it was completely bizarre to the point of being unbelievable... in several years, we never once had a "relationship fight", or even a "relationship talk"... not once.. not until the breakup...
posted by doompuppy at 9:00 AM on March 4, 2009
Am I normal for obsessing over this breakup, even as the dumper and not the dumpee?
Yep. A big part of your life is now gone, so it's naturally to wonder and think about what happened, why and what could have been.
Am I crazy / stupid for worrying about this jerk who's been pining for her for several years now and is immediately rushing in?
Nope. You're questioning whether you guys should really break up, so seeing that guy swoop in is naturally distressing.
After several years of a non communicative relationship - now that we've finally broken the ice during a breakup - is she right that now that we're finally talking, maybe we could/should try to salvage it and see what it's like when we communicate?
That's really up to ya'll. Communication is a two way street and it's hard sometimes, especially for an introvert. That this breakthrough occurred gives a sense of hope, but it's just the tip of the iceberg. You guys need to do a lot of talking and you need to get in the habit of talking. If one or both of you aren't use to talking, perhaps start with writing emails back and forth.
If you guys decide to try again, I'd recommend setting aside some time each day, say 5 or 10 minutes to make an effort to communicate, because that's what it takes, some effort to turn it into a habit.
I was so sure of my decision that we just weren't compatible.
I just want to gently point out that you need to work on your communication skills also. Neither one of you should have allowed things to get this far, where you're so absolutely sure about the other and suddenly realizing that there's a side to the other that you never dreamed existed, or more to the point even thought to look for.
Try asking each other questions. That link provides some web sites or books that list questions you and her can sit down and ask each other as a starting point. It can be eye opening and fun.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 9:04 AM on March 4, 2009 [1 favorite]
Yep. A big part of your life is now gone, so it's naturally to wonder and think about what happened, why and what could have been.
Am I crazy / stupid for worrying about this jerk who's been pining for her for several years now and is immediately rushing in?
Nope. You're questioning whether you guys should really break up, so seeing that guy swoop in is naturally distressing.
After several years of a non communicative relationship - now that we've finally broken the ice during a breakup - is she right that now that we're finally talking, maybe we could/should try to salvage it and see what it's like when we communicate?
That's really up to ya'll. Communication is a two way street and it's hard sometimes, especially for an introvert. That this breakthrough occurred gives a sense of hope, but it's just the tip of the iceberg. You guys need to do a lot of talking and you need to get in the habit of talking. If one or both of you aren't use to talking, perhaps start with writing emails back and forth.
If you guys decide to try again, I'd recommend setting aside some time each day, say 5 or 10 minutes to make an effort to communicate, because that's what it takes, some effort to turn it into a habit.
I was so sure of my decision that we just weren't compatible.
I just want to gently point out that you need to work on your communication skills also. Neither one of you should have allowed things to get this far, where you're so absolutely sure about the other and suddenly realizing that there's a side to the other that you never dreamed existed, or more to the point even thought to look for.
Try asking each other questions. That link provides some web sites or books that list questions you and her can sit down and ask each other as a starting point. It can be eye opening and fun.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 9:04 AM on March 4, 2009 [1 favorite]
First thing's first. Stop beating yourself up. This is your first time at the other end of the stick so to speak. Don't expect yourself to know exactly what's up and what's down in this situation. If you make a mistake (you didn't by the way) forgive yourself--very, very important!
The reasons you mentioned for breaking up are totally valid. Sounds like classic incompatibility. You're not evil, weak or otherwise a lesser person for breaking up.
Your relationship often lacked passion.
There it is. In many minds (including my own) that's reason enough.
that's when it comes out that she's wanted to be with me forever... that she's wanted to grow old with me,
Do NOT take the bait my friend. She may not even realize she's baiting you. You are absolutely correct in questioning why she never brought it up before. Why now when it's too late? Listen to that voice in your head that is probably increasing in volume. It knows what it's saying.
And now, just a few hours later, she's hanging out with a guy with "questionable intentions." Again, you're right to listen to your inner voice. She's not a bad person but she may be on the rebound or she may be trying to make you jealous (too little information to know exactly what's going on but it's a valid hunch).
You've got all the time in the world to find Miss Right. Today is a new day! You have been freed from a passionless, uncommunicative, expressionless relationship with no future (all your descriptions). Go forth, seek anew, be brave, make mistakes, forgive yourself and others, and enjoy your next relationship! (perhaps after a little time and reflection)
posted by Lord Fancy Pants at 9:07 AM on March 4, 2009 [3 favorites]
The reasons you mentioned for breaking up are totally valid. Sounds like classic incompatibility. You're not evil, weak or otherwise a lesser person for breaking up.
Your relationship often lacked passion.
There it is. In many minds (including my own) that's reason enough.
that's when it comes out that she's wanted to be with me forever... that she's wanted to grow old with me,
Do NOT take the bait my friend. She may not even realize she's baiting you. You are absolutely correct in questioning why she never brought it up before. Why now when it's too late? Listen to that voice in your head that is probably increasing in volume. It knows what it's saying.
And now, just a few hours later, she's hanging out with a guy with "questionable intentions." Again, you're right to listen to your inner voice. She's not a bad person but she may be on the rebound or she may be trying to make you jealous (too little information to know exactly what's going on but it's a valid hunch).
You've got all the time in the world to find Miss Right. Today is a new day! You have been freed from a passionless, uncommunicative, expressionless relationship with no future (all your descriptions). Go forth, seek anew, be brave, make mistakes, forgive yourself and others, and enjoy your next relationship! (perhaps after a little time and reflection)
posted by Lord Fancy Pants at 9:07 AM on March 4, 2009 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: I just want to gently point out that you need to work on your communication skills also. Neither one of you should have allowed things to get this far, where you're so absolutely sure about the other and suddenly realizing that there's a side to the other that you never dreamed existed, or more to the point even thought to look for.
You're absolutely right, though maybe not in the way that you think. I've been extremely open (maybe too open) in past relationships, and am very communicative with non-dating friends. If anything, it's a strength of mine.
That said - you're still right. I didn't communicate with her. That's what has me second guessing myself. I think in retrospect maybe I avoided it for a reason, though I'm not sure what reason that is yet.
posted by doompuppy at 9:08 AM on March 4, 2009
You're absolutely right, though maybe not in the way that you think. I've been extremely open (maybe too open) in past relationships, and am very communicative with non-dating friends. If anything, it's a strength of mine.
That said - you're still right. I didn't communicate with her. That's what has me second guessing myself. I think in retrospect maybe I avoided it for a reason, though I'm not sure what reason that is yet.
posted by doompuppy at 9:08 AM on March 4, 2009
We really never gave sorting things out a chance... it was completely bizarre to the point of being unbelievable...
Ok, so she let things get this far because of being afraid of scaring you away (she said), so why did you? Did you avoid discussing that stuff because you didn't want to be with her but weren't ready to end things yet? If so, take that as a lesson for the future and don't do that. But it doesn't mean you have to get back together.
posted by MsMolly at 9:08 AM on March 4, 2009 [1 favorite]
Ok, so she let things get this far because of being afraid of scaring you away (she said), so why did you? Did you avoid discussing that stuff because you didn't want to be with her but weren't ready to end things yet? If so, take that as a lesson for the future and don't do that. But it doesn't mean you have to get back together.
posted by MsMolly at 9:08 AM on March 4, 2009 [1 favorite]
we never once had a "relationship fight", or even a "relationship talk"... not once.. not until the breakup...
That is odd, but doesn't mean ya'll are broken and this is unsalvageable. I'd say give the relationship a chance to really be a relationship. Ya'll or you can decide it's not working in six months, but it sounds like ya'll are kinda clueless (which isn't a slam). The good part is that this is an opportunity to learn and you can do it together. Give it a whirl.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 9:09 AM on March 4, 2009 [3 favorites]
That is odd, but doesn't mean ya'll are broken and this is unsalvageable. I'd say give the relationship a chance to really be a relationship. Ya'll or you can decide it's not working in six months, but it sounds like ya'll are kinda clueless (which isn't a slam). The good part is that this is an opportunity to learn and you can do it together. Give it a whirl.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 9:09 AM on March 4, 2009 [3 favorites]
Do her a favor and leave her alone. As others have said, you're questioning your decision but everything in your post indicates that you made the right one. It sucks and it hurts anyway, but you need to stick to it and do NOT under any circumstances drag it out, string her along, lead her on, or continue to hurt her. Do not talk to her in two weeks--give it a month or longer, if you ever even need to talk to her again.
The guy who broke my heart the first time did this to me, and it quite literally gave me a nervous breakdown. In hindsight, I see that it WAS his concern about me that kept him contacting me, but at the time it felt viciously cruel and like I said, hello, nervous breakdown. Not fun. Not to mention that it really affected the relationships I've had since then.
She's hurt, she's confused--at least ease her pain by being consistent.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 9:17 AM on March 4, 2009 [5 favorites]
The guy who broke my heart the first time did this to me, and it quite literally gave me a nervous breakdown. In hindsight, I see that it WAS his concern about me that kept him contacting me, but at the time it felt viciously cruel and like I said, hello, nervous breakdown. Not fun. Not to mention that it really affected the relationships I've had since then.
She's hurt, she's confused--at least ease her pain by being consistent.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 9:17 AM on March 4, 2009 [5 favorites]
Her telling you that she's going to be spending time with some mope who'd been scamming on her drawers for years is bad news. Yeah, maybe she's playing this card because she does really want you, but playing on your fears in this is about the most underhanded game that can be played. Total bullshit. Don't play ball -- stand tall, get your shit, get on down the road. Make sure to tell her why, maybe she won't be tempted to run this game on anyone else, sortof your duty to the next guy who falls into her path.
posted by dancestoblue at 9:25 AM on March 4, 2009
posted by dancestoblue at 9:25 AM on March 4, 2009
Also, could you clarify these statements;
She also begged me in that email that this be a "break", not a "break up", and that we meet again in 2 weeks. I did not capitulate to this demand,
I will wait the 2 weeks that we agreed to. The 2 weeks that she begged me for.
So you did agree to the 2 week break?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 9:28 AM on March 4, 2009
She also begged me in that email that this be a "break", not a "break up", and that we meet again in 2 weeks. I did not capitulate to this demand,
I will wait the 2 weeks that we agreed to. The 2 weeks that she begged me for.
So you did agree to the 2 week break?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 9:28 AM on March 4, 2009
Response by poster: Her telling you that she's going to be spending time with some mope who'd been scamming on her drawers for years is bad news. Yeah, maybe she's playing this card because she does really want you, but playing on your fears in this is about the most underhanded game that can be played.
To be clear.. i'm pretty sure she was not trying to do this.. she just made vague mention that "a friend" was coming to visit and spend some time with her... it's just.. I know who that friend is... not due to any clues she dropped to me, but due to a combination of intuition and process of elimination (any of her other real friends have basically moved elsewhere in the country)... I feel relatively certain in my mind that she doesn't know that I know who it is.
posted by doompuppy at 9:30 AM on March 4, 2009
To be clear.. i'm pretty sure she was not trying to do this.. she just made vague mention that "a friend" was coming to visit and spend some time with her... it's just.. I know who that friend is... not due to any clues she dropped to me, but due to a combination of intuition and process of elimination (any of her other real friends have basically moved elsewhere in the country)... I feel relatively certain in my mind that she doesn't know that I know who it is.
posted by doompuppy at 9:30 AM on March 4, 2009
Response by poster: So you did agree to the 2 week break?
Sorry for not being clear - no I did not. I made it clear we were done and that this was not a break. She wants to talk in 2 weeks about salvaging a friendship out of this.
I do want to be her friend. I'm not mad at her, and I love her dearly. However, in all honesty I think we both need more time than 2 weeks. It's been 4 or 5 days now and I'm not remotely better than I was when it happened.
posted by doompuppy at 9:31 AM on March 4, 2009
Sorry for not being clear - no I did not. I made it clear we were done and that this was not a break. She wants to talk in 2 weeks about salvaging a friendship out of this.
I do want to be her friend. I'm not mad at her, and I love her dearly. However, in all honesty I think we both need more time than 2 weeks. It's been 4 or 5 days now and I'm not remotely better than I was when it happened.
posted by doompuppy at 9:31 AM on March 4, 2009
However, in all honesty I think we both need more time than 2 weeks.
Probably more like months, or even years. It can seem like forever, but the longer the wait, the more likely it is you can salvage something out of it. I'm now friends with one ex--we dated for five years, give or take, and it took three years after the breakup for us to be friends again. We really needed to get each other out of our systems, and you can't do that with lots of contact.
As she goes through the stages of grief, she will recognize this. Do not reach out to her in two weeks. If she reaches out to you, you can ignore it, or gently tell her it's too soon. If you don't want to rush into a friendship, then don't.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 9:36 AM on March 4, 2009 [1 favorite]
Probably more like months, or even years. It can seem like forever, but the longer the wait, the more likely it is you can salvage something out of it. I'm now friends with one ex--we dated for five years, give or take, and it took three years after the breakup for us to be friends again. We really needed to get each other out of our systems, and you can't do that with lots of contact.
As she goes through the stages of grief, she will recognize this. Do not reach out to her in two weeks. If she reaches out to you, you can ignore it, or gently tell her it's too soon. If you don't want to rush into a friendship, then don't.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 9:36 AM on March 4, 2009 [1 favorite]
What's striking to me is that, given all the things you weren't getting, you never had a fight or a talk about how the relationship is going. There's this transition a relationship goes through from "are you right or wrong for me" to "now we're in this together." Being in it together means that when something like the friends thing comes up, your thought process is more like "I want this to work. I don't want her to have to do anything she hates, but I need to get what I want for this relationship to survive." And then starting conversations about it. So, if you were still together, I'd recommend you guys get in couples counseling asap.
But anyway, that's kind of moot. Everything you describe is completely normal. Just take it a day at a time. A good technique for getting unemotional at work is to do math or try to alphabetize something. Use work as a refuge from your feelings during the hours you have to be there, then you can go home and process them.
posted by salvia at 9:44 AM on March 4, 2009 [1 favorite]
But anyway, that's kind of moot. Everything you describe is completely normal. Just take it a day at a time. A good technique for getting unemotional at work is to do math or try to alphabetize something. Use work as a refuge from your feelings during the hours you have to be there, then you can go home and process them.
posted by salvia at 9:44 AM on March 4, 2009 [1 favorite]
However, in all honesty I think we both need more time than 2 weeks.
This is a good intuition. You need a longer break to get yourself together, and trying to be friends that soon is just going to make you more confused. Especially since she's going to try, intentionally or not, to convince you to get back together.
I think it's natural to be upset and confused. You're unhappy with yourself for causing someone you care about pain (even if you don't love her passionately, you still care for her). You're confused about where things went wrong and what this means for you in the future. Those are natural feelings. And being upset about some other guy moving in on her - that's natural, too. You can't just turn off your feelings for her overnight.
What you need to do is give yourself time and space. That may mean you lose the friendship with her in the end, but better to not ever have her as a friend again than to jerk her around emotionally with the hope you'll get back together, and jerk yourself around emotionally with guilt and confusion.
posted by marginaliana at 9:50 AM on March 4, 2009
This is a good intuition. You need a longer break to get yourself together, and trying to be friends that soon is just going to make you more confused. Especially since she's going to try, intentionally or not, to convince you to get back together.
I think it's natural to be upset and confused. You're unhappy with yourself for causing someone you care about pain (even if you don't love her passionately, you still care for her). You're confused about where things went wrong and what this means for you in the future. Those are natural feelings. And being upset about some other guy moving in on her - that's natural, too. You can't just turn off your feelings for her overnight.
What you need to do is give yourself time and space. That may mean you lose the friendship with her in the end, but better to not ever have her as a friend again than to jerk her around emotionally with the hope you'll get back together, and jerk yourself around emotionally with guilt and confusion.
posted by marginaliana at 9:50 AM on March 4, 2009
I had to go through this, being the dumper after an almost 3 year college relationship that honestly shouldn't have gone past the first year. I was a coward who didn't want to "hurt her", but in all reality I was just selfishly avoiding confrontation and the possibility of being alone. That being said, there was a point at about year 1.5 that we had a "breakup", and I went groveling back after the first week because I felt so awful.
Don't do that.
It made me afraid to do the breakup again, until another year later (including some long distance time). Once I did that, and I decided for myself that it was absolutely time to end it, it was fine. It sucked for me for a bit, she was definitely pissed at me (and still was when I finally saw her three years later - with my wife and pictures of our son, hoo boy), but contact ceased entirely. Make your decision and stick with it. Your lack of communication with her can possibly be overcome, but it sounds like you're way past that already. Find a better match for you down the road.
posted by shinynewnick at 10:08 AM on March 4, 2009
Don't do that.
It made me afraid to do the breakup again, until another year later (including some long distance time). Once I did that, and I decided for myself that it was absolutely time to end it, it was fine. It sucked for me for a bit, she was definitely pissed at me (and still was when I finally saw her three years later - with my wife and pictures of our son, hoo boy), but contact ceased entirely. Make your decision and stick with it. Your lack of communication with her can possibly be overcome, but it sounds like you're way past that already. Find a better match for you down the road.
posted by shinynewnick at 10:08 AM on March 4, 2009
She's hurt, she's confused--at least ease her pain by being consistent.
Peanut said this above and it bears repeating. This is so important if you want to be good toward her.
Its also important that you be consistent to yourself - accept the pain of your decision, its clear you wanted to make it, and give yourself plenty of time.
posted by RajahKing at 11:43 AM on March 4, 2009 [1 favorite]
Peanut said this above and it bears repeating. This is so important if you want to be good toward her.
Its also important that you be consistent to yourself - accept the pain of your decision, its clear you wanted to make it, and give yourself plenty of time.
posted by RajahKing at 11:43 AM on March 4, 2009 [1 favorite]
that's when it comes out that she's wanted to be with me forever... that she's wanted to grow old with me,
Do NOT take the bait my friend. She may not even realize she's baiting you. You are absolutely correct in questioning why she never brought it up before. Why now when it's too late? Listen to that voice in your head that is probably increasing in volume. It knows what it's saying.
I don't disagree with this, but why the heck did you not ever ask? Or tell her you had doubts? Or anything? You complain that she's too passive, but I don't see you making any effort here either. I can't believe you were with someone for so long and just allowed things to get to this point where you break up with someone without ever having talked about the lack of passion, future plans, or anything. Now you're speaking in terms of "not capitulating to this demand" and being a hardass. I don't really understand what you're trying to do here- get yourself to the point where you're not upset before you talk to her? I guess that makes sense, but I see that sort of thing as taking months, not weeks, and it would be completely unfair to wait that long before seeing her again.
Anyway, what you're feeling is completely normal. Her reaction is completely normal. But man, don't let it get to this point next time. Honestly, I feel more sorry for her at this point since being all "it's over for good" after apparently no communication is kinda crappy.
posted by oneirodynia at 12:23 PM on March 4, 2009 [3 favorites]
Do NOT take the bait my friend. She may not even realize she's baiting you. You are absolutely correct in questioning why she never brought it up before. Why now when it's too late? Listen to that voice in your head that is probably increasing in volume. It knows what it's saying.
I don't disagree with this, but why the heck did you not ever ask? Or tell her you had doubts? Or anything? You complain that she's too passive, but I don't see you making any effort here either. I can't believe you were with someone for so long and just allowed things to get to this point where you break up with someone without ever having talked about the lack of passion, future plans, or anything. Now you're speaking in terms of "not capitulating to this demand" and being a hardass. I don't really understand what you're trying to do here- get yourself to the point where you're not upset before you talk to her? I guess that makes sense, but I see that sort of thing as taking months, not weeks, and it would be completely unfair to wait that long before seeing her again.
Anyway, what you're feeling is completely normal. Her reaction is completely normal. But man, don't let it get to this point next time. Honestly, I feel more sorry for her at this point since being all "it's over for good" after apparently no communication is kinda crappy.
posted by oneirodynia at 12:23 PM on March 4, 2009 [3 favorites]
We really never gave sorting things out a chance...
I asked the question about you not doing anything before hand because I thought it was just an oversight on your part. The fact that you broke up without even attempting to fix things strikes me as a bit premature. It is certainly very unfair to her, especially if she had no indication about the way you felt. If you like this person as much as you say you do, why wouldn't you have tried to sort out your problems? Putting the blame on her for being introverted and passive seems backwards, since you yourself haven't actually done anything to move your relationship forward either. Of course, you may have been avoiding doing so because you were uninterested, deep down.
My advice remains the same though. The best way to move on from relationships is with a cold total break.
posted by chunking express at 12:32 PM on March 4, 2009
I asked the question about you not doing anything before hand because I thought it was just an oversight on your part. The fact that you broke up without even attempting to fix things strikes me as a bit premature. It is certainly very unfair to her, especially if she had no indication about the way you felt. If you like this person as much as you say you do, why wouldn't you have tried to sort out your problems? Putting the blame on her for being introverted and passive seems backwards, since you yourself haven't actually done anything to move your relationship forward either. Of course, you may have been avoiding doing so because you were uninterested, deep down.
My advice remains the same though. The best way to move on from relationships is with a cold total break.
posted by chunking express at 12:32 PM on March 4, 2009
I would not start talks about sorting things out right now. What it sounds like is you would be doing it out of guilt and to make both of you feel better in the short term. That is not the same as genuinely wanting to be back together with someone because you miss them and want to spend your life with them. If you felt that breaking up with her was cruel, then surely you could see how jerking her back and forth would be way worse.
Chances are if you got back together, you'd have the same problems and you'd have to break up again. It sounds like you did the right thing. Don't mess that up because you're looking for short term relief.
If anything, try to take some solace in the fact that her friend is going to be there, and actually wants to be with her. You have no evidence he's actually going to take advantage of her. If he helps her through this and they end up in a relationship, that could be good for her. My husband was the one who helped me in the months after I got over my first relationship. It lasted two years and I was devastated when he dumped me, mostly because of similar reasons; he had never even talked to me about anything that was bothering him, and just sprung it on me out of nowhere. Having someone around whom I felt really valued me and wanted to spend time with me did wonders for my getting over it.
posted by Nattie at 1:15 PM on March 4, 2009 [2 favorites]
Chances are if you got back together, you'd have the same problems and you'd have to break up again. It sounds like you did the right thing. Don't mess that up because you're looking for short term relief.
If anything, try to take some solace in the fact that her friend is going to be there, and actually wants to be with her. You have no evidence he's actually going to take advantage of her. If he helps her through this and they end up in a relationship, that could be good for her. My husband was the one who helped me in the months after I got over my first relationship. It lasted two years and I was devastated when he dumped me, mostly because of similar reasons; he had never even talked to me about anything that was bothering him, and just sprung it on me out of nowhere. Having someone around whom I felt really valued me and wanted to spend time with me did wonders for my getting over it.
posted by Nattie at 1:15 PM on March 4, 2009 [2 favorites]
I just broke up with somebody and posted similar question on ask Mefi:
One person called it existential panic, which really put things in perspective for me:
Quoting Zoomorphic (since I dunno how to link to the comment in question):
Sometimes the hardest part about breaking up isn't losing the relationship, but seeing the other person move on. It's not really jealousy, more of an existential panic that they're going to forget you, and forget the best parts of dating you. You make horrid imaginative leaps to a scene where they wake up one day and think "God, why did I ever date that person?" Ugh, eek, ack.
You have to let go of the part of yourself that still wants her to think you're the best person she's ever met. That's the root of your anxiety and pain. You guys just broke up, and her opinion of you isn't your top priority. You guys dated for five years, which is longer than lots of marriages last, so your brain is now wired to expect certain emotional loyalties from her, and those expectations don't evaporate as soon as you guys decide to end the relationship. Respect the fact that you may not be ready to feel totally over the moon that your ex is dating someone new, but also accept the fact that she has a right to be happy.
Seriously, just be patient. Grieve, cry, be sad, but understand that it gets easier every day. And you have to circumvent all chances of running into her until you've come to terms with the reality that she is going to find a relationship that works for her, just as you are going to find a relationship that works for you, and part of that reality requires that you two will no longer be each other's first priority.
posted by pakoothefakoo at 1:28 PM on March 4, 2009 [1 favorite]
One person called it existential panic, which really put things in perspective for me:
Quoting Zoomorphic (since I dunno how to link to the comment in question):
Sometimes the hardest part about breaking up isn't losing the relationship, but seeing the other person move on. It's not really jealousy, more of an existential panic that they're going to forget you, and forget the best parts of dating you. You make horrid imaginative leaps to a scene where they wake up one day and think "God, why did I ever date that person?" Ugh, eek, ack.
You have to let go of the part of yourself that still wants her to think you're the best person she's ever met. That's the root of your anxiety and pain. You guys just broke up, and her opinion of you isn't your top priority. You guys dated for five years, which is longer than lots of marriages last, so your brain is now wired to expect certain emotional loyalties from her, and those expectations don't evaporate as soon as you guys decide to end the relationship. Respect the fact that you may not be ready to feel totally over the moon that your ex is dating someone new, but also accept the fact that she has a right to be happy.
Seriously, just be patient. Grieve, cry, be sad, but understand that it gets easier every day. And you have to circumvent all chances of running into her until you've come to terms with the reality that she is going to find a relationship that works for her, just as you are going to find a relationship that works for you, and part of that reality requires that you two will no longer be each other's first priority.
posted by pakoothefakoo at 1:28 PM on March 4, 2009 [1 favorite]
Everyone above is pretty much right; it sounds like you made the right call, and what happens to her now is not for you to worry about.
However, I want to point out that everyone is being gentle with you about the fact that you never once voiced a single concern with her. Bad on both of you for that. Don't do that to the next girl, and whatever you do, don't get involved with someone who has a trait you can't stand (introversion) without learning to work around it.
posted by slow graffiti at 1:40 PM on March 4, 2009 [1 favorite]
However, I want to point out that everyone is being gentle with you about the fact that you never once voiced a single concern with her. Bad on both of you for that. Don't do that to the next girl, and whatever you do, don't get involved with someone who has a trait you can't stand (introversion) without learning to work around it.
posted by slow graffiti at 1:40 PM on March 4, 2009 [1 favorite]
Would you at all consider a single visit with a relationship mediator, to make sure you're not throwing the baby out with the bathwater?
More amazing things have happened than discovering your true love was keeping their passion under wraps, and I'd hesitate to completely walk away from it after having so little insight into it the rest of the time.
Extreme, humourous example.
I'm sorry you're feeling rotten. If you do decide to let this ride and move on from this relationship, know that the pain will definitely fade and, if you're even minimally self-aware, you'll learn a hell of a lot more about what you want out of life and relationships after having gone through this.
I wish you both good healing, whichever way it goes.
posted by batmonkey at 2:32 PM on March 4, 2009
More amazing things have happened than discovering your true love was keeping their passion under wraps, and I'd hesitate to completely walk away from it after having so little insight into it the rest of the time.
Extreme, humourous example.
I'm sorry you're feeling rotten. If you do decide to let this ride and move on from this relationship, know that the pain will definitely fade and, if you're even minimally self-aware, you'll learn a hell of a lot more about what you want out of life and relationships after having gone through this.
I wish you both good healing, whichever way it goes.
posted by batmonkey at 2:32 PM on March 4, 2009
slow graffiti wrote: However, I want to point out that everyone is being gentle with you about the fact that you never once voiced a single concern with her. Bad on both of you for that. Don't do that to the next girl
This bore repeating as well as favoriting. Based on what you've said, it doesn't seem like there's any reason for you to get back into this relationship--you're pretty clear about why it didn't work for you.
But this is something you really want to look at before and during your next relationship. Not asking what you want is pretty much a guaranteed way of not getting it.
posted by Sidhedevil at 8:21 PM on March 4, 2009 [2 favorites]
This bore repeating as well as favoriting. Based on what you've said, it doesn't seem like there's any reason for you to get back into this relationship--you're pretty clear about why it didn't work for you.
But this is something you really want to look at before and during your next relationship. Not asking what you want is pretty much a guaranteed way of not getting it.
posted by Sidhedevil at 8:21 PM on March 4, 2009 [2 favorites]
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Yes. Completely so.
I just don't know that all the time in the world will ever sort this out.
It surely will.
posted by procrastination at 8:33 AM on March 4, 2009