Have rope, will travel.
March 3, 2009 2:54 AM Subscribe
Another "kinky sex hacks" question... (NSFW)
posted by puckish to Grab Bag (8 answers total) 16 users marked this as a favorite
My partner and I have really consistent, really excellent sex -- creative, intimate, interesting, FUN. I pretty much want to be having sex with him all the time. Awesome! Cue recent question: "What do you think about adding more "kink" into our relationship?" Even better! For me, this means playing around with BDSM, which is something I've been really excited about for a long time.
But...I kind of have no clue what to DO?? And fuck! I'm shy!! I don't know even know where to start!
I have LOTS of questions: First off, how to get around the "acting" thing? Planning scenes seems weird. A sexy evening, for us, is having a conversation about programming, progressing instantly to making out and fucking -- and then going back to talking about programming, usually (this is tremendously hot, by the way) Ideally, I guess, we'd do this with rope involved? And, you know, authority?
(Can we do this, without explicitly 'staging' sequences?)
(And what ABOUT staging? This sounds really hot! How do I do it and make it believable?)
(How do you introduce props -- and more specifically, restraints? - without having it seem weird and artificial?)
The bigger question, I think, has to do with how to make this good and healthy, and not traumatic. My (limited) experience with SM has been in the context of pretty exploitative relationships, where the sex got a LOT more creative when there was actual cruelty involved (not good or healthy for long-term relationship prospects — and DEFINITELY not something I want to replicate here). For his part, he's had some pretty scary experiences involving consent and lack thereof. This raises a lot of questions, in thinking about S/M and D/s play. What's the difference between SM that's about humiliation, vs. control? Does it have to play on some kind of fantasy about exploitation? For me, this comes up in pain play, things like scratching and restricting breathing (which I REALLY like, but which is also confusing and cues up some unpleasant things). For him, the line comes in playing with consent (which is off the table) — but which also seems to be kind of *what you’re playing with* when you do BDSM.
So yeah - how to negotiate these issues, and still have fabulous kinky sex? We want to keep the bad stuff solidly OUT of the bedroom, and make this something really affirmative between us.
In practical terms, pretty much anything’s on the table (and recommendations are welcome!) We’ve got sex toys pretty well covered - strap-ons and vibrators, etc. What else? Rope and restraints? Ice cubes? Hot oatmeal baths? Props? Basically, my thought is, “I’d like to tie you to the wall and fuck you like crazy.” What do I do, in order to make this happen?