Have rope, will travel.

March 3, 2009 2:54 AM

Another "kinky sex hacks" question... (NSFW)

My partner and I have really consistent, really excellent sex -- creative, intimate, interesting, FUN. I pretty much want to be having sex with him all the time. Awesome! Cue recent question: "What do you think about adding more "kink" into our relationship?" Even better! For me, this means playing around with BDSM, which is something I've been really excited about for a long time.

But...I kind of have no clue what to DO?? And fuck! I'm shy!! I don't know even know where to start!

I have LOTS of questions: First off, how to get around the "acting" thing? Planning scenes seems weird. A sexy evening, for us, is having a conversation about programming, progressing instantly to making out and fucking -- and then going back to talking about programming, usually (this is tremendously hot, by the way) Ideally, I guess, we'd do this with rope involved? And, you know, authority?

(Can we do this, without explicitly 'staging' sequences?)

(And what ABOUT staging? This sounds really hot! How do I do it and make it believable?)

(How do you introduce props -- and more specifically, restraints? - without having it seem weird and artificial?)

The bigger question, I think, has to do with how to make this good and healthy, and not traumatic. My (limited) experience with SM has been in the context of pretty exploitative relationships, where the sex got a LOT more creative when there was actual cruelty involved (not good or healthy for long-term relationship prospects — and DEFINITELY not something I want to replicate here). For his part, he's had some pretty scary experiences involving consent and lack thereof. This raises a lot of questions, in thinking about S/M and D/s play. What's the difference between SM that's about humiliation, vs. control? Does it have to play on some kind of fantasy about exploitation? For me, this comes up in pain play, things like scratching and restricting breathing (which I REALLY like, but which is also confusing and cues up some unpleasant things). For him, the line comes in playing with consent (which is off the table) — but which also seems to be kind of *what you’re playing with* when you do BDSM.

So yeah - how to negotiate these issues, and still have fabulous kinky sex? We want to keep the bad stuff solidly OUT of the bedroom, and make this something really affirmative between us.

In practical terms, pretty much anything’s on the table (and recommendations are welcome!) We’ve got sex toys pretty well covered - strap-ons and vibrators, etc. What else? Rope and restraints? Ice cubes? Hot oatmeal baths? Props? Basically, my thought is, “I’d like to tie you to the wall and fuck you like crazy.” What do I do, in order to make this happen?

posted by puckish to grab bag (8 comments total)

A sexy evening, for us, is having a conversation about programming, progressing instantly to making out and fucking -- and then going back to talking about programming, usually (this is tremendously hot, by the way)

Seven thousand geeks reading that just passed out from unbridled jealousy.

The best advice I ever got about sex, kinky or not, came early and I'm very happy I received it from such a wise young lady. She taught me that really earth-shakingly great sex happens when you succeed in stopping the kind, loving thoughts about the other person for awhile, and just use them like a nasty, filthy sex object for a couple of hours.... especially if they are doing the same with you.

You can go back to being loving and kind later... often in the immediate aftermath and involuntarily. It is a sign of great trust and security to really let go with someone else in bed, to stop showing off, performing, worrying how you look or sound... and just go for it.

(Judge me harshly if you must, but that's one of the best pieces of advice I ever received as a young adult, and experience has borne it out.)

So I'm anti-planning, pro-using, and I encourage you exploit the living hell out of each other without fear or reservation. It doesn't have to be a relationship problem, especially if you take turns. It's that you trust your lover that much.
posted by rokusan at 4:34 AM on March 3 [22 favorites has favorites]

It's possible to be spontaneous with this; just once in a while, in the middle of things, just...one of you try starting with just giving the other a little swat on the butt. Pay attention to the reaction if you do, though -- if it's a sort of shocked looking "what the fuck was THAT???" reaction, then drop it; but if instead it was a more excited, "...ooooh!" then...go with it.

Same too with the light bondage stuff; in the middle of things, just take out a scarf or something, and start tying one of your partner's hands to something. If they're looking at you like "please stop, I don't want to do this, then drop it, but if they're looking intrigued...just go with it.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:24 AM on March 3

<anonymous answer>
Maybe start with some role-playing? Start with the more "traditional" tropes -- naughty maid, sexy pool boy, horny co-ed, etc. and then you can move into more adventurous and creative ones. It will give you some practice with the "acting" and can be pretty fun all on it's own.

You could also start with a few "light" BSDM toys - a little paddle or a crop or what have you and keep it by the bed/couch/kitchen table while you are getting it on and see if one of you is inspired to grab it during the action.

Have fun!
</anonymous answer>
posted by Rock Steady at 5:27 AM on March 3

you can start by testing reactions as suggested above. do you want your breath restricted? right before you come, grab his hand and put it on your throat. want to restrain him while you fuck him? when you are strapped up and pounding him from behind, pull one of his elbows back. don't expect that he or you will be perfect at any of it, just trust each other enough to explore these things together. talk about things after and make sure you both are enjoying the journey.

furthermore, on the emotional, strange reactions front, feel free to memail me. i have lots to say, but i can get shy too.
posted by nadawi at 6:17 AM on March 3

This is a great question.

You're right that many things about BDSM can seem like contrivance. It can be an incredible challenge trying to integrate these things into your relationship. Some people do make it into contrivance and enjoy that energy, the prep work, the "scening" in public or private, but usually they have an existing relationship first that contains some power exchange dynamic. I think EmpressCallipygos has it right: Just have some kind of consent arrangement and then do the unexpected. I never liked scening and still don't today but I am definitely one of the kinkier people you'd meet on the street. (By the way, there are a lot more of us than one might imagine, after a conversation with another recent mefi-member). The more you get involved in the scene the less of a contrivance things will seem and the more natural they'll be.

I strongly think that the way this starts is to have a talk about limits and kinky interests first. Do a lot of fantasizing and imgaination. I've had a lot of these situations start by describing my fantasies to my partner, and then the right things happen from there either spontaneously or the next time we get together.

I want to avoid turning this into PornFilter, but i'll say that we keep the toys by the bed so that they're easily accessed - this is key. A recent "scene" (I really hate that world) involved a flogger, a wartenburg pinwheel, some rope and a collar.

Kinky things come naturally over time especially once you talk about what turns the other people on. I think if you're hot for the other person things become easier. The hotter you get in the moment, the easier things become.

Now on to your other topics, about consent and healthiness: I (and I guess a lot of others in the scene) often refer to the premise that BDSM is an informed giving of control by the submissive. Sure, some people "take it", but the power is with the submissive. There are safe words and actions that should end scenes quickly or bring them to a soft close, you should have deep discussion about limits (as mentioned above), etc. There has to be a foundation of mutual respect between the dominant and the submissive in order for any of this to really work. This deep respect drives trust, which permits submissive or bottom to put themselves in your hands, which drives you to take care with the gift they've given you. There are a couple of different philosophies around this as you get into riskier stuff, like "safe, sane, and consensual" (SSC) or it seems like maybe in your case "risk-aware consensual kink" (RACK). Do some research on those.

I'm not going to be able to word the following right, but i'm going to get it out anyway. In SM and DS, you can have a spectrum that on either end, is polarized towards a "top/bottom" relationship (where the emotion is limited and more about satisfaction), or a "dom/sub" relationship. There are a lot of colors in the spectrum and other "models", but knowing the difference between the two is pretty important. Humiliation turns some people on, control turns other people on; I'm of the pretty firm belief that you can have both in any place on the spectrum you want, but I think control is more towards "dom/sub" (power exchange) and humiliation might be more towards "top/bottom" but there's no doubt that you can have anything anywhere.

I think a common mistake that a lot of people make is that spanking is kinky. Spanking is kinky, but that is where most people usually stop. This is a mistake! There are tons of really safe, great things about kinky play. If I were you and your partner, i'd get out into the community and meet some people (FetLife as an example), go to some events (Frolicon, SELF, Dark Odyssey) as an example, and watch what goes on there. Watching-by-observing will teach you quite a bit.

The other thing i'd like to suggest is that you pick up Different Loving by Gloria Brame, Come Hither: A Commonsense Guide To Kinky Sex also by her, and books by Guy Baldwin and Jack Rinella. None of what I say is an endorsement of these books persay, but it helps provide you conversation topics.

Final comment:

If you set the scene (think candlelight dinner and then everything's prepped when she gets home), things may either be intimidating or really hot. This helps take the "oddness" out of prep work.

Welcome to the kinky lifestyle. I have been practicing it for over 15 years now, and it has been one of the best things to happen to my life. Can't imagine going back to the vanilla world.

Feel free to MeMail or anonymous e-mail.
posted by arimathea at 6:19 AM on March 3 [3 favorites has favorites]

Geek-wise, you might get in to escape art (magic like). Handcuff one hand to the bedframe and give him a hairpin. Proceed to molest him while he tries to extricate himself. Maybe he'll return the favor some time. Tease with ice cubes in your mouth, or in your hands. Start slowly and build up to the "you can't get out of this". Geek-wise, I can get out of a strait jacket, handcuffs and most bonds, it's "Hella fun." Make it playful "you can touch me if you can get out"... and keep getting harder and harder.
posted by zengargoyle at 6:36 AM on March 3

Try bondage.
posted by kldickson at 7:50 AM on March 3

Another good book: Jay Wiseman's SM101.

Only the dullest, least fun playmate will complain about the presence of toys or restraints being contrived or artificial. A little imagination goes a long way when there is heat present.

The art of staging is mostly about you and what you can get your playmate to believe. There is a method-acting way of going about creating a persona, which is covered pretty well here. Misdirection and elements of sleight of hand, the unexpected nature of some facets of the persona-clad partner, and a tinge of fear make a lot believable and seductive that would not really look good if you were hung over and the fluorescent lights were on.
posted by jet_silver at 8:17 AM on March 3