Teach a socially-slow guy how to get from "flirting" to "hooking up."
February 9, 2009 7:09 PM Subscribe
Teach-a-Martian-to-socialize-filter: moving from flirting to "hey, come back to my place."
posted by anonymous to human relations (25 answers total) 36 users marked this as a favorite
So there was a party last week, a big one at a friend's house back in the city I went to college in. I - a 20something, just-graduated male - was flirting with a girl. Eventually the girl left with her friends. The hostess, a good friend of mine from college, IMed me this morning and mentioned that the girl was confused and annoyed that I didn't actually hook up with her. And I realized, as she said this, that I have no idea what I should have done, because I wanted to make a move at the time, but didn't know what a move would look like.
Now, I won't be seeing this girl again any time soon as she lives Far Away; it was just an encounter that made me realize I have a problem. I'm a relatively late-socially-blooming nerd, and while I have no problem engaging in light flirtation, and I long ago learned how to ask girls out, I have no clue how to specifically move from a state of "I think we might be kinda into each other" into "hey, let's go hook up." Obviously people vary, but I have no idea what the 'standards' are here, or how it could be reasonably approached. I guess I'm looking for is the hookup equivalent of what "hey, what are you doing on Saturday?" or "Do you want to grab coffee sometime?" are for dating, eg, ways to progress from a general interest to a more explicit "Let's take action based on this interest." I may or may not also be missing a skillset for taking light flirtiness and adding a more sexual edge to it; my formative years were around people who were a lot more socially conservative than I am, who - for example - treated guys touching girls during flirtation as crude and universally rude; years later I'm discovering that there obviously are times and situations when it's perfectly acceptable. Tips on making my flirting-game a little more direct would also be useful, so I can better establish whether there is interest.
To clarify a couple of points: Yes, I'm also a bit annoyed that the girl in question didn't make a move herself if she wanted it; for the sake of this question please ignore that fact. I should be able to make moves myself, regardless of her willingness to. Also, please no "do you really want to do this," I've had my share of extra-relationship hookups, but always with friends or exes; never with someone I've just met at a bar, or party, and am hitting it off with. I'm basically looking to fill in a gap in my social skills; I feel like a guy who owns a toolbox, and has it pretty well-stocked, and then somebody says "Dear god, you walked by all those nails, why didn't you hammer them in?" and he realizes he doesn't even own a hammer. Or something.
My locally-available friends are no good for this as 'models' for me: not many are single, and of those who are, most are relatively homebodyish types who don't care for parties or the like. I'd also rather not go asking them directly; I'm redfaced enough over this to hide my identity from some Internet Strangers.