Your tears don't fall, they crash around me

January 29, 2009 6:52 PM

How do guys feel about girls crying?

A few girl friends and I (ages 24-30) realized recently that we cry when we are angry, cry when we are upset, and cry when we are scared. That's just our natural reaction - even though we might be raging inside, instead of yelling or being afraid, only tears come out. Not all the time, obviously, but if we are upset about work, something in life, or a relationship, we end up crying.

How do guys feel about their girlfriends or wives crying to them and in front of them? If it's something that's frustrating at work, or something about the relationship (fear or insecurity), is it OK to cry in front of a guy in either case? Obviously it happens once in a while and can't be helped, but is it better to just go cry alone most of the time if we need to cry, or are guys OK comforting girls? Is there a more "constructive" way of crying, such as telling the guy what is wrong and what can be done to fix everything?

Please don't get judgemental or say that I should find happiness inside, or I should learn to express anger in words instead of tears, I just want to know how much crying is a guy is willing to put up with, in a way. Obviously every situation is different, but give me your thoughts on this topic! Is it highly uncomfortable to deal with? Expected from girls?

posted by KateHasQuestions to human relations (61 comments total)

I cry when I miss someone, when I am worried about someone, when I realize I can go no further without extinguishing some real physical emotion. It's human, what's wrong?
posted by parmanparman at 6:56 PM on January 29

My boyfriend cries and gets teared up easily (when he's happy, worried, depressed, angry, overjoyed, you name it) so he doesn't mind at all. If you're with someone who's comfortable expressing emotion, this won't be an issue. If it's in the course of a disagreement, make sure you're communicating and not just emoting, you'll be fine.
posted by aquafortis at 7:08 PM on January 29

every situation is different - some guys cry more easily than others, and some are accustomed to how women TEND to cry more easily than men. To answer your question - some expect it, some don't. the only potential issue is with men who NEVER cry and don't have experience with criers so they assume that crying means:
a) you are CATASTROPHICALLY upset, or (absent a catastrophe);
b) you are being manipulative.
as long as you explain why you're crying and the situations where it happens (and they take what you say in good faith), those misunderstandings will be cleared up and they won't think it strange.
posted by moxiedoll at 7:09 PM on January 29

For me crying was always an indicator of something seriously wrong. I'm talking, the family dog was just put down, wrong.

Then I dated someone who was a crier. So you know, me saying something like, "You're two hours late, where have you been," would start the water works. Or basically anytime she talked to her mom, or was stressed out about work or whatever, or someone died on her favorite TV show...

Tears, tears, tears... ugh, it got old quick, but then I just learned to ignore it and not feel like shit when it was my fault or not feel concerned when it wasn't. Which is to say that I ignored my S-O's crying, which sounds weird, but that's what it took.

Ladies, cry when you have to, but try and make it count, okay? Because otherwise you're just really cheapening the whole experience.
posted by wfrgms at 7:09 PM on January 29 [9 favorites has favorites]

I, as a guy, was brought up to think that crying was just something that people did. The women on one side of my family cry a lot (especially in very happy or emotional situations), so I'm used to it. I expect the vote will be divided by those that are used to it or aren't. Either way, the human react
posted by Ctrl_Alt_ep at 7:10 PM on January 29

Oops, post above is half baked.

I, as a guy, was brought up to think that crying was just something that people did. The women on one side of my family cry a lot (especially in very happy or emotional situations), so I'm used to it. I expect the vote will be divided by those that are used to it or aren't. Either way, people don't like seeing other people upset, so crying tends to have that negative association. There is really nothing wrong with crying though.
posted by Ctrl_Alt_ep at 7:11 PM on January 29

I find it's not the crying that bothers me so much. It's the fact that something has gotten so bad (from the girl's point of view) because of a lack of communication, that it erupts in spontaneous blubbering while you're sitting together watching TV.

Then of course when you ask what the problem is, the invariable answer is "nothing." Followed quickly by, "If you really knew me you'd know" and it's sister statement, "If you loved me you wouldn't have to ask."
posted by Man_in_staysis at 7:13 PM on January 29 [1 favorite has favorites]

It upsets me, because I get distressed that my girlfriend is upset about something, but beyond that I have no problem with her doing it, nor does it make me uncomfortable. I just put my arms around her and we talk through whatever it is that's upset her. As parmanparman said, it's human and she's entitled to cry if she's upset.
posted by Effigy2000 at 7:19 PM on January 29

The only female crying that drives me nuts is drunk crying. Usually coming out of nowhere and relating to some dude who dumped them five years ago.

Other than that I don't care.
posted by DieHipsterDie at 7:21 PM on January 29 [1 favorite has favorites]

How do guys feel about their girlfriends or wives crying to them and in front of them?

There's no real answer to this question, as it varies from guy to guy and it can vary from day to day, depending on the length of the relationship, depth of feeling and the reason for crying. Now consider all the cultures on planet and their various rituals/traditions and you're going to have have ridiculous number answers that won't matter, 'cause you're not dating all those guys.

The only answer that matters is what you as a woman are comfortable with, and being with a guy who respects that.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:22 PM on January 29 [3 favorites has favorites]

How do we feel? It really, really depends on the situation. Sometimes the reaction is immense tenderness. Others, it's more along the lines of "Gah! Make it stop!"

I have no problems comforting my female friends when I can. Sometimes just being a shoulder to cry on is really rewarding. But when girlfriend just bursts into tears for no readily apparent reason, that suggests that there's a huge amount of stuff going on in there that I'm not party to. This may, as Man_in_staysis suggests be due to a lack of communication. But I know girls who will burst into tears and really have no idea why a lot of the time. This is immensely disconcerting.

Look, when most people cry it indicates some pretty deep emotions going on. Those can be scary. When it's tears of joy, laughter, etc., some "positive" emotion, hey, no big deal. That's cool. But when it's anger, fear, frustration, PMS, fill-in-the-blank, that can be downright baffling. As in I'll be sitting here thinking "Okay, what the f*ck just happened? She's obviously worked up over something, but nothing just happened which would usually evoke this depth of emotion. What did I miss?" It's this last part which is the worst for guys. If she's crying, odds are pretty decent that I've missed something important, and doesn't that make me feel like crap. As it turns out, this may or may not be true. She could very well be crying about something completely unrelated to me or anything I've done/said. But if I don't know that and she can't/won't tell me... this just sucks.

So I guess on a first order, no, I don't have any problem with girls crying around me. It happens. Sometimes it's exactly the right response. But as has been suggested above, communication is key. To use a stereotype, for which I'm sure I'll be reamed out later, in general guys aren't quite as emotional, or at least we process emotions differently, and so displays of deep emotion can be quite unsettling. But if she can let me in on what's going on, I can do my best to be a support for her instead of pulling away.
posted by valkyryn at 7:30 PM on January 29 [3 favorites has favorites]

Crying is fine, as long as it's not a way to get out of talking. Is it uncomfortable? Sure, it can be, especially if it's in public or an otherwise socially awkward situation. The thing is, though, someone who cares about you should be able to put up with some discomfort in the course of dealing with whatever has made you upset enough to bring you to tears.
posted by contraption at 7:30 PM on January 29

The only female crying that drives me nuts is drunk crying.

Second.
posted by turgid dahlia at 7:33 PM on January 29 [1 favorite has favorites]

In my experience, it can be genuine. But authentic tears, especially from a girl, can border on being manipulative—in that a display can compel emotional support but offer no way to actually support the girl who's crying. That might sound caustic; I know. But too many times I've witnessed a guy getting worked up over a girl crying, impotent.
posted by trotter at 7:34 PM on January 29

It varies immensely.

On the plus side, men tend to find out very early in a relationship whether their partner is a crier or not. If it's a deal killer it will happen early.

For me personally:

• Crying when happy or sentimental: Knock yourself out.
• Crying about an extraordinary life event: Good for a few weeks, less patience after that.
• Crying about everyday work/relationship/friendship issues: Okay, bye now.

posted by tkolar at 7:34 PM on January 29

I am a guy. My reflex reaction to any woman crying is to want to hug her, or calm her down, or buy her an ice cream cone and sit her on the sargent's desk with a big policeman's hat on her head while she waits for her dad to come pick her up. It doesn't matter if she is four or sixty-four. Sometimes this is not an appropriate gut reaction, and I have to resist the urge to comfort a crying woman.

In other words, I melt, which probably means I'm a sucker. Maybe it makes me sexist too, I really don't know. It's not logical, it's built-in. Reflex. Instinct?

On the other hand, though, I have heard from some women that their boyfriends/husbands sometimes get ANGRY at them for crying, for "acting childish" or "acting stupid."

While that sounds ridiculous (and pretty awful) to me, I'm mentioning it as data point only: some guys do NOT react "well" to crying. I suspect they are flustered and confused when dealing with an "irrational" response to something, and then the MEN act out in an irrational way, it's just that theirs is irrational anger.

Two cents only. I am not a licensed human being, just a passionate amateur.
posted by rokusan at 7:38 PM on January 29 [11 favorites has favorites]

Being able to deal with stressful situations and solve problems under pressure is important to me in a girlfriend. It's also important to me that a girlfriend is, most of the time, a happy and optimistic person who is pleasant to be around. That said, as long as frequent crying didn't overwhelm these characteristics, it wouldn't bother me at all.

Although what causes one to cry reveals a lot about what's important to them, and that can be deeply unattractive (Leave Britney Alone!).

In non-romantic relationships it may be different. If a coworker frequently cried from day-to-day stress and it affected me, that would bother me.
posted by kprincehouse at 7:40 PM on January 29

Actually, it would bother me if someone I cared about were crying, come to think about it. If they were really upset about something big and I couldn't make it better, I'd feel some frustration and helplessness. But I wouldn't be upset at her for crying.
posted by kprincehouse at 7:42 PM on January 29

Not to mention, it really really depends on the woman's set point. If my wife is crying, like tears going everywhere face scrunchy, something is really badly wrong. If she's sniffling and shedding a few tears, while watching Extreme Makeover Home Edition, I know it's just empathic tears.
posted by canine epigram at 7:43 PM on January 29 [2 favorites has favorites]

If (a) I'm involved in the discussion leading up to the crying, consequently understanding the reasons behind it, and (b) not at fault for the crying, then it's not a problem. I can comfort comfortably.

However, if neither of those are the case, and I'm caught at all off-guard, then it's very much a Costanza reaction:

You see those tears streaming down, you don't know what to do. It was like she was on fire and I was trying to put her out.

posted by DrJohnEvans at 8:14 PM on January 29

The only female crying that drives me nuts is drunk crying. Usually coming out of nowhere and relating to some dude who dumped them five years ago.

Or: "I'm so faaaaaattttt".

I cry pretty often. According to my boyfriend, the only purpose of crying is to seek attention - he doesn't at all (he makes little 'mew mew' sounds but there is never any tears). So my challenge is to make him cry, one day, goddamnit, if it kills me.
posted by goo at 8:24 PM on January 29

I think it's important to note that "crying" can encompass a pretty wide variety of behaviors. Most of the answers here seem to be referring to bawling/sobbing. I cry pretty frequently, but I usually just shed about five silent tears and then compose myself. It's pretty different from drunk crying, which is very different from crying during a sad movie or crying about relationships. I've had boyfriends who would get annoyed at all, some, or none of those.

My current SO just ignores me when I start crying, which is fine with me. Like Brandon Blatcher said, the only thing that matters is how the men in your life respond, and whether you're okay with that response.
posted by arianell at 8:48 PM on January 29

I'm like rokusan, it totally works on me in a complex way in that I get overwhelmed by the desire to protect her and smash whatever it is that is disturbing her. It's often conflicted by the fact that I am sometimes (often) the cause of the crying which rarely (always) fills me full of self-loathing and (disturbingly) perverse pleasure that I am important enough to be cried about. If we're in a fight, I give up. If she is upset about something other than me I give her lots of hugs. It really doesn't matter if it's a totally ridiculous reason or not.

I suspect you're not going to get a wide variety of answers to this--men are, much evidence to the contrary, as varied and individual a bunch as women when it comes to emotional response.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 9:03 PM on January 29 [1 favorite has favorites]

Like rokusan and Potomac, I'm a sucker, but if I feel that I'm being unfairly blamed for something, I get impatient pretty quickly. Then again, when I'm angry, I often get tearful and can't express myself properly.

If my wife cries over a sad movie on TV, I think it's the most adorable thing on this earth.
posted by bonobothegreat at 9:52 PM on January 29

If you cry, cool. But please have a reason. And tell me honestly and completely when I ask. If you say "nothing" I will think: 1) it's nothing and you're being ridiculous or 2) you don't want me to know. If it's either one of those two, I'm going to watch TV -- my work is done. If you're crying about a problem, don't be mad if I offer a solution. Oh, and be able to stop crying to talk about things reasonably.
posted by ruwan at 9:58 PM on January 29 [1 favorite has favorites]

It's funny, because I'm the exact same way, and I was considering asking a pretty similar question on here tonight. Really odd. Basically, I cry when angry, frustrated, happy, sad, and for any number of movies and TV shows (happy moments or sad ones).

Tears, tears, tears... ugh, it got old quick, but then I just learned to ignore it and not feel like shit when it was my fault or not feel concerned when it wasn't. Which is to say that I ignored my S-O's crying, which sounds weird, but that's what it took.

That's happened with a few men I've dated.

Often, the most effective thing for me is really just to be held for a while. My current boyfriend used to do that, and used to be more patient and comforting, but that's rarer now. He's accustomed to my crying. He's even sort of annoyed by it sometimes.

It's never been manipulative on my part, always genuine, but it no longer moves him. Which can be frustrating in times of real emotional need (or when we argue).

But yes, ultimately, men vary. I've got male friends who are super squishy and perfectly willing to hug and hold.
posted by cmgonzalez at 10:19 PM on January 29

My girlfriend's a bit of a crier, and so is my sister-in-law. From them I learned that it's simply a way they express themselves now and then, and doesn't, in itself, require a special response. Sometimes no response at all is best, because she's embarassed or angry with herself for crying, or just wants to ride out a negative emotion without a lot of fuss.

Crying's one detail of many in her current state, not the state itself.
posted by fatbird at 11:22 PM on January 29 [1 favorite has favorites]

Personally, it just melts my heart. Looking back though on the times that my ex-so had cried, well I really don't think I regret anything more in my entire life. [causing it, if that wasn't clear]
posted by mattsweaters at 11:26 PM on January 29

I'm a crier. I come from a whole family of criers. My SO gets a bit freaked out sometimes when he knows that I'm upset and he is partly responsible. He tries to talk to me about it but he has a hard time expressing emotions. But if it's about something besides him, he is very supportive. Other men I've dated have treated it like I was crying on purpose, to be manipulative, which wasn't the case. This should have been a warning sign that we were incompatible.

One thing I've noticed more often among men is a tendency to want to fix whatever problem is causing the crying. But sometimes I don't want anyone else to do the fixing - I just want a sympathetic ear and maybe some vague reassurance that everything will be okay. Once I get over the hump with crying I usually feel pretty well restored and can deal with whatever it is myself.
posted by mai at 11:35 PM on January 29 [1 favorite has favorites]

I'm not a crier. EXCEPT, and big exception here, if I see somebody in anguish on TV or in a movie. It's really bad. I was crying within 2 minutes of "Curious Case of Benjamin Button." I just looked over at my boyfriend, and we both started laughing, because we both knew I'd be crying. But there was a part of me that was PISSED. Not at him, but at the movie-makers. I felt totally manipulated. There are certainly bigger events in the history of the world that are more worthy of my tears.

I say this just to point out that the 'manipulation = crying', it can go both ways.

Also want to say that I feel as though this all really comes down to the person you're being vulnerable in front of learning about what your range of outwardly expressed emotion is, what those expressions look like, and what is desired of them in those situations. And you both gotta talk, not cry about it.
posted by iamkimiam at 11:39 PM on January 29

I think the equation of male willingness to cry with emotional openness is interesting and, uh, completely wrong. I'll emphasize with you, share my own feelings, and give you a hug or other physical contact whether you're a man or a woman, but I absolutely won't cry. It's not that I'm bottling up my emotions or that I'm never down or upset. After a really rough patch in my life a few years back, my crying threshold seems to have gone way up, and I have yet to cross it. Crying is as much about perspective and norms as it is about emotional openness.

My girlfriend will cry when she's very upset over something. If I'm driving her to the airport and she's crying because we won't see each other until Spring Break, I'll make sure and tell her that I'm feeling the same way even though I'm not that visibly broken up about it. I don't feel bad about not crying or about her crying so long as I've made my own feelings clear in my own way. When we fight, there's a point where her anger will turn to crying. This actually works very well, because at about the level of emotional charge where her anger breaks into crying, mine turns into this very cold, disconnected, asshole, go-for-the-jugular thing. Normally, that would spell real trouble, but when she drops her guard and starts crying, I instantly feel like I can drop mine and we start working through what we've been fighting about. It's a weird ritual, but it's worked well for our big fights. I have no idea how I'd do in a relationship with someone who cried in her daily life. Again, the perspective/norms thing. It would be very alien to me.
posted by Derive the Hamiltonian of... at 11:44 PM on January 29

I just want a sympathetic ear and maybe some vague reassurance that everything will be okay. Once I get over the hump with crying I usually feel pretty well restored and can deal with whatever it is myself.

My situation as well. I don't cry daily, (well, not since that horrible birth control I was on for a few months) but there is a right way to approach me. I can deal with things myself once I get it out. Since my guy is a bit desensitized to my tears at this point, I sometimes have to ask for this directly.
posted by cmgonzalez at 12:28 AM on January 30

I think crying is useful and healthy in the correct context. It seems very normal to cry after/during an intense argument/fight, or when there's something really sad, or when someone is really stressed out. My wife hides it when she cries, which is ironic because I think she's adorable when crying. What bugs me is when someone cries for a seemingly random reason. Because it means that either I am not paying enough attention to the context, or they're crazy.
posted by Happydaz at 1:01 AM on January 30

Oh, and what Hamiltonian said. Except I do find that my eyes water at times at sappy points in movies (and they're usually really stupid movies.)
posted by Happydaz at 1:04 AM on January 30

The main problem for me is parsing it correctly - my automatic reaction is to assume someone crying is upset, or possily happy, so it's kind of confusing when it turns out a woman is crying because she's angry or post-orgamic, or whatever.
posted by rodgerd at 1:13 AM on January 30

My personality doesn't mesh with people who cry a lot, and people who cry for nonstandard reasons, but I'll admit it feels good to be a shoulder for someone who needs it.

I think a lot of this is from seeing my parents. My mom is a manipulative crier, so my first reaction now when someone is crying is to think they want something/have ulterior motives. It's difficult for me to overcome this stigma and so I usually come off cold and calloused. I'm a rational kind of guy, and when people cry for reasons that don't make sense to me, I find it difficult to give them the support they need/want. When it's something my brain finds legitimate, or person I trust to not being turning on the waterworks for personal gain, it's a different story.

In short, excessive crying needs explanation, normal criers can find a spot on my shoulder =)
posted by jellywerker at 2:28 AM on January 30

Some guys, like me, grow up thinking that crying is something you do when it's the end of the world. Given that point of view, a girl crying is alarming and worthy of panicking to find anything that'll make it stop.

Eventually, though, the more they are around girls during times of intense emotion, they learn that different people have different crying thresholds. Then, they adjust their reactions to the crying of others to be more reasonable, although it will probably always cause serious concern to a degree.
posted by ignignokt at 2:30 AM on January 30

My response to my wife crying is fairly complex. If it's a purely emotional problem, I'm happy(?) to hold her and tell her "there, there" and all that; happy crying is confusing, but innocuous; I'm guilty of fiction-induced tears. On the other hand, sobbing and bawling over objective problems, like the kind that have actual solutions, strikes me as pointless and self-pitying.

As a number of other people have said, crying for me growing up was what people did when pets or family members died. Or when they thought that they'd fucked up catastrophically in a relationship. Or maybe when they lost a job and had no savings. Actually, catastrophe is the right word to apply to situations in which crying seemed appropriate.

Crying is the thing that's reserved for when you just can't do anything else. When there is no solution, just pain. So to then cry over something that you'd feel better about in five minutes if you'd shut up and devise a plan drives me crazy pretty quick. Not like "I'll give you something to cry about" crazy, but definitely, "I've got to leave the room before I say something I regret" crazy.

So, crying, in general, doesn't bother me. But crying instead of solving does bother me.
posted by Netzapper at 3:28 AM on January 30

I'm actually for crying in all genders. As some one who can have a hard time deciphering peoples emotional states (or sarcasm, jokes in general, hostility) any overt indicators are welcome.
posted by syntheticfaith at 3:42 AM on January 30

You've seen a pretty wide variety of opinions from folks here, but let me just add my two cents:

There is a spectrum of how men react to the women in their lives crying, from indifference to a strong urge to comfort them. Similarly, there is a spectrum of how often women cry. Behavior along either spectrum by either side is perfectly fine (maybe not the anger rokusan describes--WTF, unknown dudes?), but if you get two people on opposite ends of their respective spectra, there's a possibility of trouble.

For instance, I fall far on the side of 'strong urge to comfort/make the problem go away.' This has been fine in 99% of my dealings in life thus far, because people only cried when something was seriously wrong, and I could often do something to feel like I was helping. Then I (briefly) dated a frequent crier. It drove me completely out of my mind. I was on pins and needles all the time, because I had a double reaction whenever the tears would come. So, twice a week or so, the gut-instinct 'must fix this now!' would intertwine with 'oh god, what if I'm overreacting again?', along with a healthy dose of 'am I being a sexist, patronizing asshole?'

So I guess what I'm saying is, if you're worried about how you and your friends' significant others are reacting to crying, you should try to figure out where on the spectrum each of you falls.
posted by Mayor West at 4:34 AM on January 30

When I'm in a difficult pickle, my stages of reaction are:

Calm - Angry - Raging - Crying. It's what I do when my emotions are so overwhelming and stressful that all I want to do is run to a quiet dark place and cry. I'm stressed.

I hate crying in public, and when I cry in public, I usually run off to a restroom if I can. Crying is my way of letting off stress and notifying people that I'm having a meltdown. I will usually make clear to them first what I'm angry about.

Crying also releases stress hormones - emotional tears release larger amounts of cortisol than other tears. It has a homeostatic effect on the body.

(I'm female )
posted by kldickson at 4:41 AM on January 30

I'll jump in the camp of being acutely uncomfortable when women cry, especially those that I care about. It's some sort of primal, visceral reaction ie "Hmmm, woman cry, Grog the Caveman have failed as man" kinda thing. The whole 'tears of happiness' thing totally escapes me, as does crying after sex (even though I know that is pretty common). I feel the urge not only to comfort but also sometimes get kind of angry, like I just want to smash whatever is hurting them so much that they weep. This is why "crocodile tears" in women, for me anyway, is just such a betrayal.

Funny how that really doesnt translate to children. Not that I want to hear a child (of whatever gender) cry, but it always seems so trivial compared to an adult.
posted by elendil71 at 5:02 AM on January 30 [1 favorite has favorites]

Another data point from a man. Or at least, a male.

And I don't think my response is gender based, I think my reactions are the same no matter who is crying.

Crying as an emotional release makes sense to me. Happy, sad, angry, whatever- if it's relevant to what's going on, it doesn't make me uncomfortable.

Crying as an emotional display, however, creeps me out on a visceral level. It makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up. I have an instant reaction of wondering whether they are a four year old, and wondering why they have so little respect for me that they are using this sort of trump-card to manipulate the situation. Crying MEANS something, and if its *used*, that's not a good thing.

(It's the same reaction I have to the death-shriek children sometimes do. That is a universal "come save me from the tiger" signal, and if it's just the kid demanding attention it drives me nuts.)
posted by gjc at 6:12 AM on January 30 [1 favorite has favorites]

I'm female, and sometimes a crier. I am much more of a crier when my dysthymia's not in check; I have gone through phases where I cry several times a week and phases where I don't cry for months. Crying for me does indicate that I am genuinely upset - it's just that sometimes it takes a lot less to genuinely upset me.

(I do also occasionally get choked up by moving stories, such as the Dunkin' Donuts commercial where that guy was Christmas shopping and everything went wrong - no, really, that one got me every freaking time I saw it - and the ending of Super Metroid, hence the choice of username.)

I think a lot of people see crying as "oh no, something is wrong, it needs to be fixed right now!" because we're taught that crying=sad and sad is a bad thing ...but, you know, sometimes the act of crying in itself is how I fix something. It doesn't fix whatever the stressor was that made me cry in the first place, but it does get those emotions out and will usually, eventually, get me to a calmer and more rational place.

Being in a relationship, and crying in front of my boyfriend, has changed how I look at my crying, and it has motivated me to have a more take-charge attitude about my feelings and things that might challenge me. For most people, seeing someone cry is upsetting - I feel terrible when I see someone cry - and the last thing I want to do when I am miserable is bring someone I care about down with me.
posted by Metroid Baby at 6:15 AM on January 30 [2 favorites has favorites]

Mrs. Silvertree cries all the time. She is a crier. I can't change her and I wouldn't want to.

The only time it has ever bothered me, is when a woman cries specifically to manipulate me.
posted by Silvertree at 7:05 AM on January 30 [1 favorite has favorites]

As others have said, it varies from person to person and the situation.

Mrs arcticseal isn't much of a cryer. Chinese family so showing of emotion wasn't a big thing when growing up. We're very demonstrative of our feeling, but she doesn't cry at the little stuff. Consequently, when she cries, I know it's a big deal and offer support.

I grew up in an overly emotive family though, and my mother (and father to an extent) seem to cry easily at the drop of a hat. So much so that it bugs the hell out of me. It's not so bad now I live an ocean away.

It used to really annoy me when I started work and was working offshore. I'd go out for my rotation and my mother would literally weep as I was leaving as if she'd never see me again. I've gotten more tolerant of it as I've matured and realize it's an empty nest thing, but sometimes I would just like to talk to my parents without tears and the guilty feeling that I've abandoned them by pursuing my dreams.

So yeah, crying is OK, just don't cry wolf with it as it loses it's effectiveness.
posted by arcticseal at 7:30 AM on January 30

Your post reminded me of something my mother told me 6 or 7 years ago when I was going through a depressive episode, and I was getting upset and crying a lot. I often would fall into a sad funk (feeling especially upset, frustrated, and crying) after my boyfriend at the time would do something that hurt me, like cancel plans last-minute. (it happened a lot, unfortunately, but we don't need to get into that here.)

What she pointed out is that I wasn't really expressing anger. I was expressing sadness and frustration, but I wouldn't say I was angry at him or curse him or anything like that. She said that she believed that women, more than men, are taught by society that anger is not an OK emotion to express. But, sadness is more acceptable.

Not to say women never express anger. But I just wonder if perhaps some of the crying you describe, that results from anger or rage, might be related to a subconscious attempt to avoid expressing emotions that you or your friends have been trained to believe is unacceptable? (in that, you don't believe people will take you seriously or validate your feelings if you express anger, whereas they'll be sympathetic if you are sad.)

Just something to think about, I guess.
posted by inatizzy at 8:08 AM on January 30

Yeah I'll have to say that I'm not a crier, at least not in the sense you're talking about. I have been known to tear up at movies and when reading really sad stories, but not blubbering or anything like that. As far as life goes, crying is for catastrophes only.

I lived with a crier for a while and it's probably part of why we broke up, to be honest. Every single time there was a disagreement, it was just cry, cry, cry. Which of course lights up this huge emotional reaction in me thinking that something is hugely wrong and the world is about to end in some way. But then I would realize that it's all just over some minor thing and then the natural reaction is to be a little irritated that my emotions just got jerked around.

It's actually good to hear about why people cry in this thread because I don't think that I understood it before. You won't catch me crying like that unless I'm in an extremely depressed state (which I only do alone), I am about to go to jail, or one of my loved ones just got hit by a bus.

I think the issue is that for guys like me, there is absolutely no way to tell whether a girl's crying is for a catastrophic life situation, or for something minor. It's sort of like crying wolf, if you cry over minor things too many times, when the catastrophe happens, I'm likely to have already been conditioned to think crying=minor life situation.
posted by zhivota at 8:14 AM on January 30

It bothers me a lot if they are crying about the same thing repeatedly without doing anything to improve it in the interim.
posted by jon_kill at 8:21 AM on January 30

I think many guys just feel the need to fix things that look broken. I know I do. Crying sorta makes you look like you are broken. When I am wiping the tear from my girlfriend's face, I'm doing it to comfort her, but there is also this element of "repairing" the problem of that damn leak!
posted by orme at 8:55 AM on January 30

How do guys feel about their girlfriends or wives crying to them and in front of them?
Because I perenially see myself as an answer to the world's problems, someone crying in front of me used to make me feel queasy; I had to do _something_ to make the crying stop, given to anything and everything that the other person demanded. I have, of late, learnt to take this crying in my stride; now when someone cries, I promptly ask if there's anything I can do to help the situation, and just wait for the other person to become rational once again, perhaps with a bit of validation ("You'll be okay honey, you're doing just fine")

If it's something that's frustrating at work, or something about the relationship (fear or insecurity), is it OK to cry in front of a guy in either case?

I generally rate work-related frustrations seperate from insecurities about the relationship. I find work-related frustrations easier to handle; you just need to have a sympathetic ear, perhaps even bitch about life in general with your SO ("Yeah, your boss SUCKS. Luckily for your company, they have you"; corny, I know, but corniness _works_ )

Insecurities about the relationship are a wholly different ballgame altogether; because there'll be a personal element involved, it gets much much trickier. Additionally, most insecurities are because of past history; similarities with an ex or something. Much murky ground there, often made worse because these crop up when you don't have face-time with your SO; so these conversations tend to go on phone. Which, of course, makes things worse; you want to be in front of someone if you want to tell some sweet-nothings to him/her. Body language and all that. But yeah, extremely murky stuff; quite challenging to handle them.

Obviously it happens once in a while and can't be helped, but is it better to just go cry alone most of the time if we need to cry, or are guys OK comforting girls?

Depends on the guy, doesn't it. :-) Then again, this is the 21st century; I've always felt that if a guy can't comfort his SO, then he's better off not spreading his gene around. It's the least anyone can do, and you don't even need to be in a relationship to comfort people.

Is there a more "constructive" way of crying, such as telling the guy what is wrong and what can be done to fix everything?

Telling what's wrong, and telling what needs to be done to fix it are two completely different things. I often find it useful to state the problem to people and wait for them to come up with a solution, rather than offer my solution upfront; wouldn't want to influence someone else's viewpoint with mine. But yes, clearing stating what's wrong isn't just good for your SO, it's good for yourself; crying is when you lose hope, listing problems is when you begin to lose anxiety.
posted by the cydonian at 9:46 AM on January 30

I am a woman, and I cry when I'm upset. I hate it. I have even cried in public (work, school), and oh god its embarrassing. Especially in public, no one needs to know I'm feeling bad about something. I tend not to cry when happy. I don't understand that, I really don't.

When I cry, whether at home or in public, I want everyone to GO AWAY so I can get myself under control again and then discuss whatever was wrong rationally (if needed). I feel like everyone is judging me, that they think I'm being manipulative, that I'm putting on a display or a show, that I'm a drama queen, that I'm trying to get them invovled in my private issues. Hell, I think its manipulative. If I need help, I should be able to just ask instead of blubbering like an idiot. But I can't always stop the flood, push it down and act normal when I'm upset. And any sympathy at all makes it harder to stop.

So I tend to respond with "nothing" when people ask what's wrong. I don't want their help or sympathy, I want them to go away so I can stop crying like a stupid child.

Um, not really an answer to your question, but to guys who want to know why women sometimes say "nothing" when asked what's wrong, there's another reason.

Also, I hate movies, songs, commericals etc. that seem designed to bring out the tears. Because they work, dammit, and then not only am I sad & crying, I feel ashamed and idiotic. Thanks, guys.

Any tips on lowering your crying threshold? Preferably to nothing, so you don't cry? At all, ever again? Because the crying, it does NOTHING.
posted by sandraregina at 10:25 AM on January 30 [1 favorite has favorites]

And to guys who can handle a crying person - kudos, you're stronger than me. Because I cannot handle a crying adult. You're an adult. Stop crying. (this applies to myself)
posted by sandraregina at 10:26 AM on January 30

On one hand, I think people these days are conditioned to be a bit too callous and guarded. If someone, male or female, is distraught enough over something to cry about it, I like to think that they deserve the benefit of the doubt and that they should be taken seriously and not automatically thought of as weak. (Gullible? Who, me? Reaaalllly?)

That said, it seems like some people cry over everything. I'm such a sucker; I'm not even into girls and when one's crying my heart breaks. A friend of mine cried on my shoulder recently because she stole money from her mother. She wasn't crying because what she did was wrong, but because her mother caught her. I was slightly repulsed but I still eventually ended up feeling sorry for her, and comforting her, and boy golly your mom's so mean for yelling at you like that, etc. Using crying as a weapon of persuasion is pretty shitty, and some people are experts at it.
posted by kryptondog at 10:45 AM on January 30

Also:

According to my boyfriend, the only purpose of crying is to seek attention - he doesn't at all (he makes little 'mew mew' sounds but there is never any tears).

Goo, I know it's probably not funny (and I apologize), but I've got to say that I had to stifle a laugh when I read that. That's how I cry. But only when it's absolutely necessary because I'm tough and manly, of course.

Mew mew, mew mew....
posted by kryptondog at 10:52 AM on January 30

sandraregina, I know exactly what you're talking about. That used to happen to me.

Eventually I stopped beating up on myself about it. It was just my throat tightening up and my breathing getting gulpy. Not a big deal in itself; just upsetting to people who think it means there's a giant crisis and they're supposed to do something.

So I learned to say something like this:

"My voice tends to get constricted and my breathing tends to get gulpy even when I'm experiencing fairly low-level stress or emotions. It's not a crisis and there isn't anything you need to do."

That in itself almost magically changed my crying threshold, because it worked wonders at taking away the stress caused by other people's reaction to my crying. I occasionally tense up and sniffle a little, but it's been years since I had the full-fledged crying reaction to something fairly minor.
posted by tangerine at 11:08 AM on January 30 [3 favorites has favorites]

Thanks Tangerine. "...the stress caused by other people's reaction to my crying" is exactly what I was trying to get at, and couldn't find the words for. I'm upset, so they get upset, which makes me more upset...its a vicious circle.
You gave good advice, I shall endevour to put it in to practice.
posted by sandraregina at 11:16 AM on January 30

I think I read most of the other comments and no one really discussed this, but for me crying is sort of a weird reflex reaction to certain things I feel strongly about. Not necessarily sad, sometimes things like the supreme court, or vaccines, or random stuff like that. Or a reaction to other people's strong emotions. Same for my mom and sister, so there have been plenty of times where everyone at the dining room table is crying, and laughing about that fact, and my dad is looking at us like we're aliens.

It feels really neuro-chemincal/homonal, in that it's not associated with any specific feeling or emotion, but just some tripwire in the brain.
posted by mercredi at 12:20 PM on January 30 [2 favorites has favorites]

Reading this made me realize I haven't cried in a while. Anyone have any good triggers for a good cry?
posted by KB.Boston_implant.By way of NY at 1:58 PM on January 30

It's a spectrum from:

A: She's co cute & vulnerable, i just want to protect her

Z: God I hope she's not batshit insane, I don't want to deal with an emotional wreck for the rest of my life.

It's often a mixture of both at the same time.
posted by Muffy at 9:56 AM on January 31 [3 favorites has favorites]

Not a dude, but I feel the need to give my two cents here.

I'm not a crier myself. For some reason, at those major life moments - the death of my grandfather, saying goodbye to my friends on the last day of college - I just didn't need to cry. I do cry when frustrated (you should see me when my code won't compile!) but I try to keep that to a minimum, understandably.

Anyway, as someone who doesn't really cry, I'm absolutely and totally fine with people who cry more than me. Big things, little things, whatever. I figure, that's how your body responds to being upset. As long as you are emotionally in proportion (if you're crying over a parking ticket or something, a muttered "I can't believe I'm crying over this! How ridiculous!") who cares?

The only thing that bothers me - and this really bothers me - is when someone has done something wrong to me and feels so bad about it they're crying over it. It's so damn annoying, because you want to tell them off but they're crying so you can't because then you'd be a jerk and ugh. When the crying gets in the way of hashing out what is going wrong in the relationship, then it's a problem to me.
posted by shaun uh at 11:53 AM on February 1