Rock Star Friendship

October 22, 2004 2:03 PM

I ended up getting to be friends with an indie rock star via email. 6 months later, we hung out at one of his shows, had some drinks, good conversation, etc. Afterwards, the email responses slowed and eventually stopped.

So, I think maybe I offended him, but I can't think of how. Maybe he didn't notice I tipped for my drinks on my credit card. Maybe he was mad I didn't buy a round. On the other hand, maybe his increased popularity has just left him with less time to respond. Who knows. Any good/polite/non-threatening way to find out if the hanging out that night went badly, or he was otherwise offended, or do I just give up on being friends with him?
posted by anonymous to Home & Garden (10 answers total)

maybe he thought you were after him? or a stalker type? or his life is just too busy now? if he's getting famous, then he probably has less time for his own life.

I'd say give up, unfortunately.
posted by amberglow at 2:07 PM on October 22, 2004

A single nice email saying "I miss chatting with you and I hope the reason I haven't heard from you much lately is because your career is going well and not because I said or did anything to offend you that time we met" or something along those general lines is about as much as I'd do.
posted by biscotti at 2:25 PM on October 22, 2004

could be you offended him. could be he liked you less once he met you. could be he's just gotten really busy. could be a crisis or just a busy time with his family. could be he's decided he hates email. other than just sending a note "hey, haven't heard from you in a while, i've missed chatting with you. hope everything's okay. " i don't really think there's anything you can do to find out what specifically is going on.

this happens all the time in relationships--particularly ones that start out via email--whether one party is a fan and the other is an indie rock star or not. in my experience, you never really find out what caused things to taper off because usually it's not any one thing, but a combination of things that lead one party to prioritize his more immediate friends/relationships to the point that the more casual ones (email-based and "life"-based) fall by the wayside. i think it has less to do with the person being left by the wayside and more to do with the demands on the person doing the leaving.

of course, it could just be that he's too famous now for plebes like you! (j/k) but i think more likely, you're just in the natural ebb of a low priority relationship. if i'd sent several messages without a response, i probably wouldn't send any more unless i got a response. i'd probably send a holiday/birthday note once or twice afterwards, but if i still got no response, i would just stop all together.
posted by crush-onastick at 2:27 PM on October 22, 2004

What biscotti said, but make sure you don't sound needy. Plus, remember that "indie rock stars" can tend to be among the flakiest of flakey people. I wouldn't be too quick to blame yourself on this one. If nothing else, you'll hear from him sometime in the future when he needs a couch to crash on. Such is the nature of the beast.
posted by spilon at 2:31 PM on October 22, 2004

did he make a pass at you?
posted by matteo at 2:40 PM on October 22, 2004

This happens a lot with email relationships that transition into in-person meetings. You probably didn't do anything at all, you've just shifted to a lower priority, or a non-priority, especially if his popularity is ramping up. There could be all sorts of reasons for this, none of them worth losing too much sleep over [he was into you, now he's not; he wasn't into you, now he is, can't deal; you remind him of his mom/sister/agent; he hates redheads/blondes; you like/hate Modest Mouse and he doesn't &c]. Even though it's frustrating to have someone sort of just vague away from you, I'd recommend an approach like crush says, drop a few low-key notes and otherwise just move on.
posted by jessamyn at 2:49 PM on October 22, 2004

am i the only one slightly curious who it was? but yea...just send a quick little email saying "hey man, whats up?"
posted by ShawnString at 3:33 PM on October 22, 2004

are you female or is he gay? 'cause he coulda had some kinda fantasy about you that wasn't lived up to when you met. I've had some fantastic email exchanges that deflated after real life meet ups.
posted by mdn at 5:03 PM on October 22, 2004

Agh, get over it. I once hung out at a bar with a buddy ands his visiting friend, who, like me, was also a musician. Apparently the visiting friend was - and still is, five years later - incredibly insulted and angry that I said "Yeah, I know who you are, but I don't have any of your records." I still hear about that night from mutual friends.

I play fiddle and bagpipes. Why should I buy Pet Shop Boy records?
posted by zaelic at 3:05 AM on October 23, 2004 [1 favorite]

>Why should I buy Pet Shop Boy records?

Ummm, because they make great targets? :-D
posted by shepd at 4:28 AM on October 23, 2004