Dumass Think Mix Tape Will Re-spark Relationship

January 1, 2009 9:26 PM

I had a very deep relationship with a woman a couple of years ago. She ended it and my reaction, to say the least. was not the best (no violence or threats).

I've had a number of short lived overtures from this lady over the last year (yesterday was the latest - call in to rescue her at 2:30 this morning.) and have apologized for my past behavior.

For whatever insane reason I now think the perfect mixed tape might do some good. Just something to send her that might emphasis how wrong I know I was and how much I'd like to try again. I come up with Al Green songs (So Tired of Being Alone, etc.) If we ever reconnect it will be a slow process.

What would 37-ish year old women recommend that I include in such a mix?

Thanks folks. I really think we're close but she can't quite get past the way the initial breakup went. I expect comments along the lines of DTMFA and am willing to listen so long as they include the mix tape suggestions.

posted by Carbolic to human relations (30 comments total)

if you're going the al green route: simply beautiful. that song makes me melt everytime i hear it.
posted by Hydrofiend at 9:32 PM on January 1

lovely day by bill withers.
posted by big open mouth at 9:44 PM on January 1

I want you by Elvis Costello
posted by dawdle at 9:52 PM on January 1

The skillful deployment of Paul Weller's version of Wishing on a Star could quite possibly convince me to get back together with nearly anyone, no matter how ill-advised.
posted by scody at 9:52 PM on January 1 [3 favorites]

ain't no sunshine by bill withers
posted by juliplease at 9:56 PM on January 1 [3 favorites]

scody's response has me thinking of songs I've been serenaded with.

I was once seduced by a fellow who took me out for a late-night walk, then, when we were leaning on some stairs, looking at the stars, sang me the Righteous Brothers' "Unchained Melody." The same fellow also sent me an MP3 of Journey's "Open Arms" later on that week. Good memories.

My current S.O. once sang me Louis Armstrong's "A Kiss to Build A Dream On" in a sweet, strong baritone (just singing the song, not affecting Louie's manner of singing it) as we were falling asleep. Sigh. That was nice.
posted by limeonaire at 10:21 PM on January 1

it won't change anything. move on already.

Nevertheless, speaking of mixes, a woman once gave me a mixtape so amazing I spent the next ten years of my life with her, and despite us having nothing in common and being terrible for each other in every way I still remember the exact track order and have never gotten another one that good from anyone since. It started with Plainsong
by the cure and ended with Perfect Day by Lou Reed. In between, Billy Holiday, the Pixies, Nirvana covering the Vaselines...shit, just thinking about it makes me want to call her up and ruin my life all over again.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 10:47 PM on January 1 [44 favorites]

Requisite cheesy sad pop song: Troubled Times by Fountains of Wayne. Seriously, I had a boyfriend who gave me a tape with this song on it more than eight years ago, when we were just about to break up. I didn't listen to it until the night after we broke up, and then I called him and tried to get back together with him.

We didn't get back together, but if I'd listened to the song when he gave it to me we might not have broken up for at least another six months.
posted by brina at 11:58 PM on January 1

Oh, and I can't forget one of the greatest grand gesture songs of all-time: The Divine Comedy's Tonight We Fly, a song that was largely responsible for me spending three years in a terribly romantic but clearly doomed long-distance relationship due to its inclusion on a mix tape.
posted by scody at 12:43 AM on January 2 [1 favorite]

> I want you by Elvis Costello

While I think that song is great, I'm not sure it really fits on a mixtape like this. To me I Want You has always been extremely creepy in an obsessed ex-lover/stalker sort of way. Perhaps that's just me though.
posted by bjrn at 3:23 AM on January 2

True Love Will Find You in the End by Daniel Johnston.

If she's the one making the overtures, I don't see why this wouldn't work. I'd just get a kiss and skip the mix for now.
posted by Ironmouth at 5:53 AM on January 2

say yes by elliott smith.
posted by austere at 5:55 AM on January 2

I Would Have Waited Forever by Yes. (If you like Yes.)
posted by chihiro at 7:26 AM on January 2

I know I'm going to sound like a character in High Fidelity, but - go old school here, if she's 37. Go Al Green, Marvin Gaye, Otis Redding, Sam Cooke. Low and soulful.

That said, you're not kids, and a mixtape is not going to say I'm sorry. In fact, if I got a mixtape after all this time, and after a bad relationship had crashed and burned, I would feel like you were trivializing things, not taking it seriously. The mixtape is what you'd send the morning after you 'reconnect', along with a dozen roses and box of those new dark chocolate covered cherries from Godiva. You do it then. Not now.

Saying I'm sorry is going to involve a quiet evening at a nice restaurant where you'll be left alone so you can talk. You need a public place, so she doesn't feel threatened and so both of you have an out. You need to talk it out, all of it out, and then figure out what you want to do, if this was just closure or if there's still something there, if she's calling you because she still loves you or if it's because she just doesn't love anyone else yet.
posted by micawber at 8:17 AM on January 2 [2 favorites]

Leonard Cohen, I'm Your Man--and the Avett Brothers, I Would Be Sad and Will You Return--fit the bill, though the lyrics might be a bit heavy-handed. :)

Lots of options from Dylan: Spanish Harlem Incident, All I Really Want To Do, If Not For You, etc.

Hope you post an update!
posted by torticat at 8:32 AM on January 2 [1 favorite]

What would 37-ish year old women recommend that I include in such a mix?

It's a really nice idea, but a lot of 37-ish-year-old-women are trying to get beyond stuff like relationships that rely on the trading of mixtapes. I still think you should do it because music is always a nice gesture, but make sure this is part of an overall improved and mature approach with her. Mixtape-as-communication can feel a little adolescent if it's not part of a relationship that features good communication in all its other forms.
posted by Miko at 8:52 AM on January 2 [4 favorites]

It's a really nice idea, but a lot of 37-ish-year-old-women are trying to get beyond stuff like relationships that rely on the trading of mixtapes.

Yep. Mixtape == puer aeternus == run away. If she's at all sensible.

You're not a teenager any more. If you want an adult relationship with her, do it in an adult way. Micawber is on the right track.
posted by Sublimity at 9:31 AM on January 2 [1 favorite]

Thank you for the suggestions.

I'm not counting on the mixed tape to be a cure all. It's just something I think she'd enjoy and appreciate that I put in the effort. We've both said our "sorries". To tell the truth I'm thinking the music might just do a little more to smooth the edges and a step toward putting us on a better footing to be at least be more comfortably friendly again.

I'm thinking of it more as a silly gesture that might also mean something to her at the same time.

(Please see post title if you still think I think a mix tape will be a cure.)
posted by Carbolic at 9:41 AM on January 2

I am in complete agreement with Micawber. A mix-tape is high school. But if you are still into it, Are You The One That I've Been Waiting For? by Nick Cave.
posted by oflinkey at 9:42 AM on January 2 [1 favorite]

Well, Tell Her This is a good weeper for me.
posted by Miko at 10:00 AM on January 2 [2 favorites]

"Come Anytime" by Hoodoo Gurus

And if you can't make up your mind
We could make it up together

Seems to fit in with what you're trying to do. Plus, there's just not enough Hoodoo Gurus on mixtapes anymore.
posted by dogmom at 11:18 AM on January 2

Guess who spent the last 24 hours not sleeping and putting together the exact track order on mixtube and downloading everything I couldn't find extant video for and staring out my window at the empty winter streets?

Yeah. Mixtapes are psychological manipulation of the highest order. I'm pretty sure playing that list of tunes to a terrorist would get them to tell you their secret hideout location quicker than waterboarding. I beg you to use your powers only for good--if you're absolutely sure you've changed and she is the right one for you, not just because she is familiar and won't leave you alone long enough to get over her. My ex called me on NYE to tell me I owe her 30 bucks, but it didn't have any effect on me. None. At all. Obviously.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 1:04 PM on January 2 [4 favorites]

Plus, there's just not enough Hoodoo Gurus on mixtapes anymore.

Heh, I just put "Like Wow Wipeout" on a mix the other day, in part because I strongly share this sentiment. Come to think of it, Like Wow Wipeout (especially if Carbolic and His Lady Friend first met in New York, per the opening line) or I Want You Back (well, for the chorus, not so much the verses) might be good options.
posted by scody at 1:16 PM on January 2 [1 favorite]

uh, Bill Withers is allegedly a wife beater. His songs take on a different tone (to me) in light of that, as good as they are.
posted by elle.jeezy at 1:28 PM on January 2

Chiming in, possibly too late, to recommend the Replacements' Valentine. "If you were a pill, I take a handful at my will, and knock you back with something sweet and strong." I married my husband because of that line.

PS - am a 39 year old woman, who sometimes feels 37. More often, 27 though.
posted by peagood at 7:37 AM on January 3

Jimmy Scott. Jealous Guy, if you find it.
posted by Free word order! at 9:13 AM on January 3

Magnetic Fields - You're My Only Home
Or,
Divine Comedy - If I Were You
("if I were you... I'd be through with me")
posted by subbes at 2:15 PM on January 4

elle.jeezy: where are you getting that from? I've researched the heck out Mr. Withers and I haven't seen anything like that. Are you possibly conflating him with another artist? I'd be interested in knowing more, as this could change my own enjoyment/patronage.
posted by batmonkey at 11:40 AM on January 12

Here's what I sent:

"Cathy,
This is pretty sappy but, for whatever reason, I felt compelled (impulse control problem?)
Don’t skip straight to it but, the last song is the one that I consider to be “ours”. It brings back wonderful memories. Seems like a carport may have been the setting when it really became special.
1 – Lovely Day – Bill Withers
2 – Tell Her This – Del Amitri
3 – A Kiss to Build a Dream on – Louis Armstrong
4 – When a Man Loves a Woman – Percy Sledge
5 – Wishing on a Star – Paul Weller
6 – Ain’t No Sunshine
7 – Troubled Times – Fountains of Wayne
8 – Come Anytime – Hoodoo Gurus
9 – Tired of Being Alone – Al Green
10 – If I Were You I’d be Through with Me – Divine Comedy (Don’t particularly like this one but though the title and some of the lyric might get me a reemphasize I know I was at least as much at fault for the break up (she thinks it's more my fault than hers)).
11 – I Would Be Sad – Avett Brothers
12 – “Our Song”

Hope you enjoy it. I actually put some effort in this (may be I need another hobby). "

Number 12 "Our Song" was "Don't You Wish Your Girlfriend..." which I added for a little comic relief. It was something we were playful with. Who knows. Like I said I'm just hoping it might take some of the edge off of the bad break up and make her think about why she keeps jumping back into the relationship and then jumping back out. I just hate the fact we had a relatively long relationship (2 years) and we can't to seem to maintain a constant, at least friendly, relationship. She jumps back in for an intense few days and then cuts off. It's definitely partly my fault. I let her jump back for a couple of days at a time and get "benefits".

Whether it has any positive effect or not I appreciate all the suggestions. There were a number of the songs I'd never heard and would have never thought of including. Thanks especially to scody. If anything is going to get to her it's "Wishing on a Star". I end up feeling like I gave it my best shot. If nothing changes at least I gave it my best effort. I did the best I know how and if she can't be friendly I can at least feel like I've done all I can think to do. (I have an odd-ish relationship with my ex-wife. We've managed to remain very good friends, I played it for her and she thinks any girl would appreciate the effort. For all you "It's so high school" the ex is 48.)

The process also made me realize it's best for me if it becomes only friends. The temper of the songs make that seem counter intuitive but the gal has issues and I think "just friends" is the most likely outcome and I'll quit getting the two or three day reconciliations if it has any effect at all. Nothing ventured nothing gained.(Of course I could just refuse to allow the short reconciliations but I'm just a guy and when someone I attracted to throws herself at me I'm a weakling),
posted by Carbolic at 7:57 PM on January 19

Not much progress. But she seems to have enjoyed the CD and to have appreciated it. She at least got a laugh out of it and it seemed to bring back memories of good times.
posted by Carbolic at 9:28 AM on February 1