Dealing with losing friends.

April 21, 2007 6:17 AM

I'm being cut out by my "friends" and I need advice on how to feel less shitty about it.

Its a juvenile question and chatfilter, but I'm in a bad headspace and I need some help. And I'm sorry for the length.

About 10 months ago a long term relationship ended. I dealt with it by going into therapy, addressing my substance abuse problems and retiring from the world for a bit. He dealt with it by hitting the party circuit, big time.

I've been making an effort to reconnect with people. We have the same social group, and while I completely understand that he doesn't want to see me, I'm finding it really hard to deal with the fact that if there is a social outing, he gets invited and I don't.

Whats sent me over the edge is a farewell party tonight for a couple that I thought I was quite close to. I wasn't even told it was going on, even though I saw the girl in question a week ago. A mutual friend let it slip that it was happening, and that I wasn't invited. I'm a bit shocked by how hurt I am.

My questions

1. Am I being completely unreasonable being so hurt by this? It seems dumb and highschool, but I'm so upset i can't sleep.

2. How do I address it. I don't want to cut these people cold, and I understand that they're in a difficult position.. However I don't feel like I can pretend like I don't know i'm being cut out, and I don't know if I want 'friends' who will do this shit without at least talking to me about it. So do I bring it up with them, or just move the fuck on and just write them off?

3. any advice for songs I can listen to or movies I can watch tonight while I'm alone to make myself feel a bit better?

posted by anonymous to society & culture (29 comments total)

I dealt with it by going into therapy, addressing my substance abuse problems and retiring from the world for a bit. He dealt with it by hitting the party circuit, big time.

At the risk of sounding callous, this seems to be the root of the problem. Think about it from your acquaintances' point of view: for the past 10 months, your ex has been hanging out with them, and you've been missing in action. In effect, your social circuit hasn't cut you off, you cut them off ten months ago.

Now, it sounds like your "retirement" was for the best of reasons, and in an ideal world your acquaintances would have stuck by you during your tough recovery process. But it isn't, and they didn't, so now you're going to have to do some work to come out of retirement, which will likely take some time and effort.

And, reading between the lines and going way out on a limb, given your previous substance-abuse problem and the fact that "partying hard" has kept your ex in the network, perhaps you might want to re-evaluate this particular social network.
posted by googly at 6:32 AM on April 21, 2007 [1 favorite]

They also may feel that they are doing you a "favor" by not inviting you to situations that might make you uncomfortable. This could include the fact that he will be there, but also the substances that you abused in the past. Many people won't invite recovering alcoholics to the bar, even if that person would be comfortable in the situation, because it makes the other people uncomfortable. You may not be judgmental, but they might still feel like they are being/will be judged.
posted by blackkar at 6:51 AM on April 21, 2007 [1 favorite]

Can you confront one of them? Say, the you one you feel closest to and let him/her know how you feel?

Perhaps it's time to move on to making some new friends. This folks sound kinda jerky.
posted by sneakin at 7:07 AM on April 21, 2007 [1 favorite]

You are not being completely unreasonable being so hurt. But I think it's important to recognize that you are hurt and, as you suggest, "just move the fuck on."

It sounds as though you have already taken huge positive steps to improve your life; this is just one more. And you have a lot to gain, in the form of new friends who better fit your new self.

I would suggest taking some active steps to get involved with new activities (whatever they are) that genuinely interest you. Embrace the freedom from the drama that you get these so-called friends.
posted by sueinnyc at 7:19 AM on April 21, 2007 [1 favorite]

Let them know how you feel. Call the couple, your ex, and some of your friends and tell them exactly what you say here: you feel like you're being cut out and it hurts. Don't accuse them of anything and don't throw down any ultimatums. Just share your feelings and then hang up the phone. It's good to get these things off your chest and out in the open. Probably you'll have a tearful talk and then that'll be that.

And, yes, look for new friends. These people aren't your friends. They've already failed the test: you went through a rough spot and they abandoned you. It's possible you contributed to this situation by "retiring" for almost a year but I find it difficult to understand how all contact could just cease during this time. But really you can't depend on these people for anything more than dinner.
posted by nixerman at 7:43 AM on April 21, 2007 [2 favorites]

About songs, it's kind of cliche but I listen to lots of Morrissey when I'm down (and when I'm not down). He really gets the whole lonliness vs. self-imposed isolation as a matter of necessity thing...
posted by frosty_hut at 7:48 AM on April 21, 2007

I'd lean away from confrontation and more toward what sueinnyc suggests.

Also, for a bit of levity, I'm reminded of The Onion, who have naturally addressed this.
posted by rhizome at 8:19 AM on April 21, 2007 [1 favorite]

Drop them cold. They usually come running back. As for unreasonable hurt, the hurt is there. It is neither unreasonable or reasonable. However, it could be based on reasonable or unreasonable assumptions.

I think its normal to be hurt here.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:41 AM on April 21, 2007

Get some new friends - you have changed, they have changed, your ex has changed and the latter two may have changed together - you on your own. You can't just withdraw from people for a long time and expect to walk back into their circle as if nothing has happened.

However close you used to be to these people you are no longer close to them. After a lot of break-ups joint circles of friends are lost to one of the couple. Most of the time it is up to the friends to make that choice - you made that choice for your friends by withdrawing. That you withdrew for all the right reasons makes no difference in that respect.

As for stuff to do tonight - you are more likely to overcome this feeling of hurt if you leave the house and do something positive you enjoy. You will meet different people doing so, potential new friends, with no messy history involving both you and your ex.
posted by koahiatamadl at 10:22 AM on April 21, 2007 [1 favorite]

Yikes. I'm sorry that this is your current state. I have been cut off by many groups of friends many times. For good. And I have seen ex's run off with these groups of friends a couple times, too. For me it has happened because I was an abusive prick with concurrent victim/martyr (un)sensibilites. Healthy people pick up on that shit eventually. And healthly people want to hang with healthly peeps, yo.

But, acting all schizoid will yield schiziod results. I mean if you cut yourself off from everyone, everyone will leave you out of the party.

And that hurts like no tomorrow.

To answer your questions:

1. Your feelings can't really be unreasonable. I mean, they are by definition not reason, but emotion. However, your thoughts and actions can be unreasonable.

2. You are addressing it by getting out of the house and meeting new people and mending previous friendships. Keep that up!

3. I can't suggest any music, but avoid "The Postal Service" at all costs. That shit is depressing when you are down.
posted by YoBananaBoy at 10:35 AM on April 21, 2007

1. No. You're not.
2. Fuck 'em.
3. This.
posted by kisch mokusch at 10:40 AM on April 21, 2007 [2 favorites]

Pick the person in the group to whom you currently feel the most close/miss the most/want to salvage the most. (Note: Curiously, this may not the person to whom you were closest before. Distance from a group can be funny that way.) Re-connect with them individually. They can know that you feel dumped, but it shouldn't be put on their shoulders to fix.

Meanwhile, go join a club or do volunteer work or find a rockin' coffeehouse or some other way to meet some new people.

What I'm getting at is that you can seek to strike a balance. Being alone and starting over from scratch can be really hard and emotionally draining. But clinging to the old group because they were always your group before can also be unhealthy.

As for your hurt, yes, it's reasonable. But try to just take the high road and not dwell on it too much. Sometimes it's time to move on, and it's not because anyone is really to blame. (I've so been there.) And certainly try to keep your head out of the "my ex vs me" setup. It's not a competition, right?
posted by desuetude at 10:48 AM on April 21, 2007 [1 favorite]

Mutual friends often have to chose when a couple splits up. You helped make the choice for them when you checked out for 10 months. Obviously, if you were close friends with these people in the first place, they've clearly shown they weren't true friends. But I wouldn't put too much blame out there. You made a choice, they made a choice, and it's obvious from their choice that you can stand to have more loyal friends. So find some and forget this bunch.
posted by Happydaz at 10:49 AM on April 21, 2007

Don't cut them off. They're in an awkward position; this sounds like something that will sort itself out over time. Take the initiative to be social whenever you can, and stay positive!

As for music, here's a good happy music thread.

Stuff happens... I hope things work out for you!
posted by Count Ziggurat at 10:53 AM on April 21, 2007

I second kisch mokusch.
posted by milarepa at 11:07 AM on April 21, 2007

I'll leave the larger issues for other people to address, and look at just one tiny aspect of your story:

Whats sent me over the edge is a farewell party tonight for a couple that I thought I was quite close to. I wasn't even told it was going on, even though I saw the girl in question a week ago. A mutual friend let it slip that it was happening, and that I wasn't invited. I'm a bit shocked by how hurt I am.

This reads like 'Not only didn't they invite me, they even kept the whole party hidden from me.' I wanted to note that if they weren't going to invite you, not mentioning it to you is, etiquettely speaking, the right thing to do. It's not like they needed to come up with some elaborate cover story, or anything of that nature, but one doesn't talk about one's festivities with those they aren't inviting. That would be rude.

I raise this point because I think it's important to look at whether and when you're viewing what they're doing through your own personal filter of 'They're doing me wrong.' Their actions might be quite a lot more innocent, or, at minimum, more thoughtless than deliberately cruel, than they appear to you.
posted by jacquilynne at 11:16 AM on April 21, 2007 [2 favorites]

people often also resist reconnecting because they know they've been leaving you out or not reaching out as much as they should. guilt becomes avoidance. (this often happens with an absent parent.)

one thing you might do is pick a couple of folks in the group you feel closest to, and invite them to hang out without the entire crew. don't address the hurt right away (that will be a talk to have another time). tell a little white lie-- say that you've finally sorted out your substance abuse issues and feel like you can go back into your old environment again without falling off the wagon. tell them that you would really enjoy their company on your "first night out" and that they shouldn't abstain out of solidarity--you could even tell them that it would help you practice being around it without partaking. once you hang out with this person or few people a few times, it'll be easier to reintegrate into the group. i would also use the time to make sure they know you don't mind running into your ex and won't cause a scene.

i think if that doesn't work, it's time to move on. you deserve to be around people who value you.
posted by thinkingwoman at 11:31 AM on April 21, 2007 [2 favorites]

I found the film Garden State worked wonders in a similar situation... just amazing film.
posted by philsi at 11:43 AM on April 21, 2007

Seconding Garden State. Great call philsi!
posted by YoBananaBoy at 12:17 PM on April 21, 2007

It's entirely possible your friends just don't know how to get together with you in a way that you'd be comfortable with. A party is likely to involve a) lots of people, b) substance use, and c) your ex, and knowing your recent history they may feel like it'd be awkward for you to have to deal with all of those things at once.

As thinkingwoman says, try getting together one-on-one with some of your friends and letting them know that you're recovered and ready to get back into the social groove. Give them the benefit of the doubt and reassure them that they can invite you over without making you uncomfortable--give them a second chance to do the right thing, in other words, before you decide to move on.
posted by fermion at 12:20 PM on April 21, 2007

1. Am I being completely unreasonable being so hurt by this? It seems dumb and highschool, but I'm so upset i can't sleep.

My take: No, but I went through the *exact* same process over the past year. It hurts, it sucks, especially because you want your friends there when you're ready to party and bounce back. Breakups fracture the social world sometimes, especially when the two parties have different ways of coping. It probably wasn't intentional on your friends part (he has claimed his territory, yeah?) but it doesn't help it hurt any less to lose relationships that are meaningful, especially all at the same time.

2. How do I address it. I don't want to cut these people cold, and I understand that they're in a difficult position.. However I don't feel like I can pretend like I don't know i'm being cut out, and I don't know if I want 'friends' who will do this shit without at least talking to me about it. So do I bring it up with them, or just move the fuck on and just write them off?

Well, this is the tough one. Do you feel like you can continue your friendships with these people in a meaningful way given how shut out you feel? Is it worth the effort to you to be friends with these people without the parties and big group social events?

If you want to continue these friendships, you're going to have to be aggressive about it, swallow some pain and make some phone calls. If you need the parties, you're going to have to start throwing them. Establish some space where you can all be together, and the ex is clearly not welcome. If they are your friends, they'll have no misgivings about partying down with you once and awhile. (note: I personally decided I can't get over it.)


3. any advice for songs I can listen to or movies I can watch tonight while I'm alone to make myself feel a bit better?

I reccomened going out to see a movie or see a band - I mean, it'll take some bravery, but you never know when you're going to meet some people that will start inviting you to new, cooler, parties.
posted by lastyearsfad at 2:37 PM on April 21, 2007 [1 favorite]

Relationships 101: Someone always gets the friends in the divorce. BTDT. Suckville.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:43 PM on April 21, 2007

Yeah. This happens even with adults. When couples break up, the more extroverted half of the couple gets all the mutual friends. The more introverted half of the couple gets nothing.

It happens. There's nothing to be done about it. They aren't your friends anymore - they're your ex's friends, and your ex doesn't like you, so they're not going to become your friends. Ever. Unless your ex moves out of town or something. Sure, it's dumb and highschool. It is what it is.

I see a lot of advice above about contacting these people. Let me tell you: they're not going to be your friends. If you start calling these people, you're in for a lot of short conversations and "Let's do lunch some time" and never being called back. They have already made their friend-choice, and it wasn't you.

You need to find new friends. Sorry for your loss.
posted by jellicle at 3:52 PM on April 21, 2007

For songs, don't know if this will help or hurt (maybe both?), but the highschooler in me always finds cathartic release in Belle and Sebastian's song The Stars of Track and Field.
posted by bad with titles at 4:03 PM on April 21, 2007

3. I have never been depressed enough to not be cheered up by visiting The Dude and his friends. But that's just how I'm wired.

The only positive and upbeat music I own is Weezer. So, I guess I recommend you listen to them.
posted by slimepuppy at 4:20 PM on April 21, 2007 [1 favorite]

the party circuit

Is about partying - enjoying ones self and forgetting about reality, it's not about caring for other people.

It sounds like it's time for you to move on to more substantial relationships.

The party people:
a) are afraid of the reality you've just been through and don't to be reminded they're headed in the same direction and
b) may very well sense themselves it's time for you to move on.

Don't feel bad about it, realize that at some level they dimly recognize you've grown up a little ahead of them.
posted by scheptech at 6:18 PM on April 21, 2007 [1 favorite]

Thirding kisch mokusch - normally I dislike quick answers, but man, that one is golden. Fuck these so-called 'friends' and find yourself some real adults who left their immaturity when they grew up. You deserve better - we all do. (Except bad friends - would that they were all only friends with each other...)
posted by rmm at 6:32 PM on April 21, 2007 [1 favorite]

The hurt? Definitely. That happened to me. Sometimes losing friends feels like another break up. Crying in restaurants to other friends "why doesn't she want to be my friend anymore?" Etc. It sucks.

But you'll come out stronger. It's cliched, but get yourself out of the house, in a place with other people, and do something you enjoy, that improves your life or others'. Art class. Join a gym. Do open mic. Get a second job. Become a lifeguard. Babysit. Do organized bike races. Etc.

Meeting new people is kind of cool, really. Then you don't need those other folks. And maybe you'll end up staying kinda friends with them, but that's even more likely to happen if you can ease back into friendship with them without putting a lot of pressure on things.
posted by salvia at 8:57 PM on April 21, 2007

Yikes. I've been in a similar position. The sad fact is that mutual friends *do* choose between ex-partners. I learned this the hard way (lots of "let's do lunch", then no calls - as a previous commenter said), and ended up leaving town.

Later, some of these friends gravitated back to me; sometimes friends will choose between ex-partners simply because they don't want to be caught in the crossfire, and lay low until they think the danger's over.

My advice is to let them go, hole yourself up with a bunch of Radiohead and sappy DVDs (Garden State is good -- Truly, Madly, Deeply I absolutely hate now, but at the time had me shedding buckets of cathartic tears; Benny and Joon is good, too) and lick your wounds for a while.

Then take a class, join a club, join tribe.net and see what's going on in your area. Reconnect with friends who have nothing to do with your ex. Get involved in extracurricular activities. Journal. Get your feelings out: they're important and real and telling yourself they're "irrational" or whatever isn't going to help.

THEN, if you're feeling the loss of any particular mutual friend(s), draw up a list of his or her qualities, what they bring to your life, possible drawbacks of having them in your life. And try and get in touch. Connect with them on the level of whatever quality they bring to your life, whatever you like doing together, etc. DON'T talk about your ex! You may be pleasantly surprised.

Good luck! It really does hurt less as time goes on, but only if you allow yourself to feel bad, and move on.
posted by unmusic at 2:11 AM on April 22, 2007 [1 favorite]