How do I get my two and a half year old daughter to poo?

December 19, 2008 2:48 AM

How do I get my two and a half year old daughter to poo? [more inside]

She previously had no problems with bowel movements when using nappies but recently she started using the toilet.

Things were going beautifully for a couple of weeks until she decided she wasn't going to poo anymore.

Now the last couple of weeks have been an ongoing drama with her seemingly fighting the movements: "don't want it"

Currently, we are trying to encourage her to poo anywhere (warm baths etc) with some success but it is a constant battle and the whole process is very upsetting for her.

We have seen 3 different doctors and seem to get the standard medical answer (lots of fiber and vegetables etc) but think that there may be more to it then that. She is currently on laxatives to ensure she doesn't get too blocked up.

Any help or pointers from someone who has experienced something similar would be greatly appreciated.

posted by Tuatara to health & fitness (23 comments total)

I can't offer much practical advice (not a doctor) but I can offer sympathy - and it's very common. Our daughter's just the same age, and has experienced just the same thing intermittently. It seems like a vicious cycle, where it starts to hurt and so they don't want to go because they don't like the pain. So it's a physical and a psychological issue. Without wanting to, we used suppositories a few times, and they worked in the short term, but didn't help on the mind side. We just sat her down, gently created exactly the conditions she wanted, gave her a couple of toys for security, and left her on her own as she wanted. (I even thought she might be a bit ashamed of it!) Sometimes she sits there for half an hour before we see any action! If she knows she has to do it but also that she has as much time to do it as she wants, then it might help. Keep it all low pressure, low nerves - all you can to make it NON-upsetting. Unless there's IS a physical issue behind it, it's probably best to follow the docs' advice, plus perhaps a mild laxative. I'm sure it will happen. Good luck!
posted by Holly at 3:05 AM on December 19, 2008

Seconding not upsetting her (although I'm sure you aren't). Keep it all light and fun, and try not to show any kind of concern or worry in front of her, because that will create a vicious circle of anxiety. Let her know by your behaviour that having a poo is just something normal, not something to make a big deal about. Take her to the bathroom when you go; children like to copy grownups, and if she sees it's no big deal for you, she may become more relaxed about it.

Our son is the same age and isn't taking to potty training at all, but what we have noticed is that when he's around children of the same age who've made more progress, he begins to make progress too. Spending time with other children the same age seems to be a good way to encourage them to pick up good habits (as well as bad ones).

And I don't think it's a question of shame - it's more likely to be a control thing. At that age they're learning that they can take control in certain situations, particularly around things that they may not really enjoy doing.
posted by le morte de bea arthur at 3:29 AM on December 19, 2008

I bought a small toy, hid it, and then when my kid was on the potty, I said I'd give him a new toy if he pooped. I told him the new toy was a surprise, and I wouldn't even tell him what it was until he pooped. Curiosity won. Pooping on the potty wasn't a problem from then on. Afterwards, make a big deal out of the successful poop... and be sure to let them know they don't get a toy every time they poop.
posted by selfmedicating at 3:51 AM on December 19, 2008 [1 favorite]

You might try working out the scenario with some of her favorite dolls or animal friends. Let her be the one in charge of making sure they pee and poop on a little potty and just see where the conversation goes. She may include you in it, or you might just overhear some of what her internal thoughts are about it as she talks to her friends.

Speak up when you need to poop "Oh, I think I feel poop coming. I'm going to use the potty." Let her come along with you or not. Talk a bit while you poop - "This is my body getting rid of leftovers from breakfast. Now I have room for lunch," or whatever. Just make it a normal thing, and perhaps let her see a few times where you we're "mistaken" ("Hm, no poop right now. I guess I'll try again in a little while") so that she sees that there's leeway on pooping or not based on what she feels in her own body. I would avoid making any issue of it with her directly for a little while.
posted by cocoagirl at 3:57 AM on December 19, 2008

Stone fruit will help to soften things - 2 pieces of stone fruit a day ought to get things moving.

Lots of fibre & lots of water.

Abdominal massage. Maybe start massaging her feet & legs to get her relaxed first before rather than going straight to the belly. Imagine a question mark around her navel. Using your thumbs, make circles starting just to the low right of her navel, going up and around and over and then all the way down the left. Do thumb circles following the course of the colon. You'll probably feel hard, tight, hot areas where there are blockages, so very gently massage these areas in the direction that things need to go. I think the massage helps by both manually giving things a little coaxing plus relaxing the child.

My daughter was often constipated as a toddler but never got to the point where she refused to go. When she was clogged up & cranky, a few minutes of thumb circle ?s would get very satisfactory results and making sure she was getting at least 1 stone fruit a day kept things moving.

Now I'm going to apologise to my daughter, who is now 14, for talking about her bowel movements on the internet.
posted by goshling at 4:19 AM on December 19, 2008

Try to ignore it (you've checked it out with doctors). If you ignore it the chances are you'll be back to normal in a few days. If withholding poo gets a lot of attention, you may find you end up having to perform elaborate rituals dictated by the sprog for years to come. You could find yourselves trying to work out how the complex potty procedures can be made to accomodate school attendance.

Honestly. Stop the laxatives (grapes are better anyway), stop the special encouragement. It's OK not to poo on schedule. Treat the whole subject as boring. Try not to worry, try to ignore the whole thing.
posted by Phanx at 4:28 AM on December 19, 2008 [3 favorites]

Speaking as both a physician and the parent of a 3 year old, I can assure you that this is very common and should eventually go away on its own (it may take a few months, though). You are right to make your pediatrician aware of things, but otherwise try not to get too stressed over it. The above advice is all good; I especially liked the ideas of letting her watch and setting up a reward system. You might also get a book or two along the lines of Everyone Poops. When our daughter was going through potty training she loved reading about it. You don't mention what laxatives she is on but be careful if using anything more than a stool softener. And keep your pediatrician in the loop, because there are medical conditions that interfere with normal defecation. Since she has been normal up to this point it is unlikely there is anything medically wrong, though.
posted by TedW at 4:57 AM on December 19, 2008

Fully second Phanx. I don't understand why parents get worked up about this sh... er, sorry. I would not give laxatives to an unconstipated child, too.
posted by kmennie at 5:44 AM on December 19, 2008

A little more on the topic: it can be hard to differentiate constipation from chronic refusal to defecate, and the latter can lead to the former because unlike urination, most people can suppress the urge to poop indefinitely. One common reason given by toddlers for this is that they think it is part of them and they are reluctant to toss out a body part (although there are many other lines of reasoning as well). Here is an AskMe on frequency. Other um, "interesting" behaviors that can be seen around this age include playing with poop and hiding to poop (there was also an AskMe on the latter but I can't find it now). Okay, I'm all pooped out now.
posted by TedW at 5:54 AM on December 19, 2008

Fully second Phanx. I don't understand why parents get worked up about this sh... er, sorry. I would not give laxatives to an unconstipated child, too.
posted by kmennie at 8:44 AM on December 19 [+] [!]

you've never seen how crazy a child refusing to poop can get. before i had kids i never understood this issue either...

i don't think there is any easy answer. eventually she will ge the hang of it (mine did...did it take years, i've blocked it out) i think trying to reduce the drama can only help though... but basically it sucks.
posted by geos at 6:19 AM on December 19, 2008

Found the thread I was looking for and it was about peeing, not pooping, but did contain this gem:

It could be worse. My son briefly went through a stage where he was taking dumps under the dining room table. I thought it was the dog doing it, at first. In retrospect, the dog housebroke a whole lot faster than the boy did.
posted by TedW at 6:41 AM on December 19, 2008

Is there any chance she wants some privacy? I know you can't just leave her unattended on the toilet, but my son went from needing a parent right next to him to telling us to go away while he pooped, all around the 2.5 - 3 year range. Until he could handle himself (not falling off, in) we turned our backs, then just outside the door. It is tough, try to keep it all light and unimportant.
posted by shinynewnick at 6:48 AM on December 19, 2008

I don't know about bowel movements with kids, but I know what works for me and for my dogs--have you tried taking her on a walk about an hour after eating?
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 6:57 AM on December 19, 2008 [1 favorite]

Would you consider putting her back in diapers until she's ready to give them up? I tried parent-led toilet training with my son, with nearly disastrous results. Let's just say he was nearly five before I was confident that he wouldn't have any more accidents. I let my daughter take the reigns, so to speak, and when she was nearly three and announced one morning, "No more diapers!" we went full throttle with the underwear and the potty. She never had one accident during the day. Not a single one, urine or BM. We talked up the potty pretty heavily while she was still in diapers, but in a very light-hearted "Wow! The potty is so cool!" way. We never pressured her and we made a Big Deal out of switching to underwear (she got to pick them out at the store) and the products of using the potty ("You peed in the potty! Wow! What a big girl you are!" sort of thing).

Good luck!
posted by cooker girl at 7:06 AM on December 19, 2008

Have you ever had her in the bathroom when YOU are pooping? I think if you take her in, let her see you poo (sit on toilet, poo, show your daughter that aftermath, then the whole wiping thing) she'll see that it's something everyone does. I think she needs to develop a comfort level with pooing, so if she knows that $parent(s) poo, then she'll want to do it just like you do! do!
posted by Cat Pie Hurts at 7:29 AM on December 19, 2008

She'll be fine. 3 different doctors seems like you have a lot of anxiety about this and I can see how it would start to freak you out. It is very normal, though.

Kids that age are stubborn and they have a lot of weird fears and dislikes because they're really differentiating and separating themselves from mom and dad and that's scary. They want control over what they can control and that's pretty much eating and pooing. In a lot of ways they're like stereotypical teenagers, who want you to come to their concert and then avoid you the whole time. c cccccccccccccccccc

So I would suggest taking a deep breath and relaxing, as much as you can. Put her back in diapers, a lot of 2.5 year olds are in diapers. Give her privacy if she wants it, some kids get performance anxiety (so do I). Don't pressure her to be on a schedule, instead make sure that her poops aren't rock hard and don't hurt, that's your priority.

& give her as much control as you can over OTHER aspects of her life. Play with her as much as you can, with her in charge. Sing to her, whatever song she wants. Let her wear whatever she wants to wear.
posted by sondrialiac at 8:06 AM on December 19, 2008

Cup of coffee and a cigarette?

Seriously, this is pretty common. Something about kids feeling like they're losing a part of themselves or something--my kids never did it, but the phenomenon is all over every parenting book or website or magazine I've ever seen, and when my kids were training, my pediatrician even asked about it as a part of his regular questionnaire during the checkup.

I think the suggestion about taking a walk is a great one on top of the standard ideas about dietary changes and modeling the behavior.
posted by padraigin at 8:23 AM on December 19, 2008

We haven't gone through the poop-refusal yet (although my sister refused to poop when she was about that age, and my parents are still kinda traumatized...), but what worked for potty-training my now-three-year-old was M&Ms. Every time she pooped (on the potty, for us, but it sounds like you all would be happy with pooping anywhere!), she got an M&M (or sometimes two).

(Eventually we stopped the M&Ms.)
posted by leahwrenn at 9:09 AM on December 19, 2008

Chocolate.

My daughter just turned three... and she went through a stage where she would not use the toilet to defecate. It was so... -so- damn annoying. I'd put her in a pull up for nap time and ten minutes after I'd put her down she'd unload in the diaper. Very irritating.

So I bribed her. Go on the potty and get a little piece of chocolate. She immediately switched, because the allure of the chocolate was too strong. After about six weeks I phased the chocolate out (classic conditioning, using intermittent reward) and now she's completely potty trained.
posted by JFitzpatrick at 9:26 AM on December 19, 2008 [1 favorite]

Wait 6 months.
posted by Xhris at 11:06 AM on December 19, 2008

Does your daughter know what poo is? this is a little weird but in somewhat similar situations, I would make up story something like this (adjusting for what I thought the child need to know or was worried about)

Once upon a time there was a healthy, strong 2.5 year old body. This body knew it needed food so it ate a chicken sandwich. Of course, a bite of sandwich was too big for the body to use on the inside so first it chewed it up into little pieces. Then it swallowed the pieces down to the stomach. The stomach used special chemicals break up into even smaller pieces, almost like a mush. Then the mush started to move through a long tunnel. As it went through the tunnel, the body picked out the bits that it needed (add details if you want). But at the end of the tunnel there were still some bits the body didn't need. What to do with them? "i know, the body thought, "I will make a poo of all the bits I don't need and then I can put the poo in the toilet" So the body made a nice brown poo. But the poo didn't want to leave the body so they had an argument. (add details) The poo stayed inside so long it became dried and hard. Finally, the body said, "you have to go, I am getting filled up with too much poo" but when the poo came out, it was so hard that it hurt. The next day, the body made a new poo but now it was worried that it might hurt. So it asked its Mommy and Mommy told the body about special foods (and/or medicine) that keeps poos soft. This time the body didn't wait - when the new poo said it didn't want to come out, the body just pushed it right out. The poo was surprised to be swimming in a toilet. It was different but kind of fun. Then the toilet flushed and poo got to have a big adventure in the sewer. After that the body let the poos go in the toilet when they wanted to but if they waited too long the body just pushed them out. this made the body feel better because it didn't get full of poo and the poos didn't get too hard and it made the poos feel better because they got to have an adventure in the sewer.

Repeat the story as often as your child wants to hear it. You can add questions - why didn't the poo want to go out? what did the body next? that might give you a better idea of what her concerns are.
posted by metahawk at 11:16 AM on December 19, 2008 [1 favorite]

PhoBWanKenobi writes "I don't know about bowel movements with kids, but I know what works for me and for my dogs--have you tried taking her on a walk about an hour after eating?"

Preferably to the local book store/library.
posted by Mitheral at 7:58 PM on December 19, 2008 [1 favorite]

Maybe dhammala would be willing to come over and advise.
posted by Jacqueline at 10:45 PM on December 19, 2008