How do I get the right size of wedding ring as a surprise for my fiancee?

December 17, 2008 7:36 AM

How do I buy an engagement ring if I don't know my fiancee's ring size? It obviously can't be a surprise if I measure her ring finger ahead of time...

In the near future I plan to propose to my girlfriend. We've talked about marriage in the past and both agree that money should be saved for practical purposes (like down payments and graduate degrees) rather than spent on fancy diamond rings. We both want to wear plain gold bands.

If I want to buy a ring and surprise her by asking the question, in the old fashioned way, how do I know what size of ring to get? I can't think of any secret way to measure her ring finger size ahead of time. Is there some standard range of sizes that can be expanded or shrunk as required? How does this usually work? Can anyone offer first hand experience of how this worked for them?

posted by thewalrus to human relations (41 answers total)

Maybe you can...borrow a ring that she already has, that you see sitting out on her dresser or whatever. Take that ring to the jewelry store and they can measure her size there.
posted by sixcolors at 7:43 AM on December 17, 2008

Take a ring of hers in and they'll size it. Hopefully it's a similarly-sized finger, but if not, they can always re-size the one you buy - ask them how it works.
posted by kcm at 7:44 AM on December 17, 2008

Can't ya just buy a ring you like, propose, then have it sized?
posted by Max Power at 7:45 AM on December 17, 2008

Sizing a ring after the proposal is not unusual at all, so don't worry if you don't get it exactly right. It won't spoil anything.
posted by o2b at 7:45 AM on December 17, 2008

I recently had the same issue, and here is what I did...

Your girlfriend - if she is like any other woman on the planet - has mentioned SOMETHING at some time about getting engaged/married. If this is so - next time you go to the mall, make up some reason other than an engagement ring to stop at the jewelry store. I said something about a watch...

While she was there, she started looking at the rings. This led to an associate coming over and trying to sell us on a ring. I played along, like I was joking, and ended up getting them to get her ring size - which I noted down in my head.

It took a bit of luck, but that method worked. If that sounds unreasonable, her mother might know, or maybe some of her friends (if you trust them to not say anything).

If nothing else, a ring can always be resized - so if it doesn't fit just right, no worries, someone out there can fix it.
posted by Brettus at 7:46 AM on December 17, 2008

Does she have any rings right now you could surreptitiously borrow? If you couldn't borrow them, could you get an outline of one on paper or something? Even if the ring is for her middle finger, it'll give you a pretty good idea. Worst case, just compare her ring finger to your pinky or little finger next time you're holding hands. You can then use that as a template to get close.

And yes, most rings can be sized (usually for free) by the jeweler, as long as you're in the ballpark. Be sure to ask when you're looking. This won't apply to tungsten carbide or titanium rings, but most girls are more interested in the gold or white gold anyway.
posted by chrisamiller at 7:47 AM on December 17, 2008

If you feel comfortable cluing a friend/family member in, get them to find out for you. I bought a (non engagement) ring for a former girlfriend and I had one of her friends get the info by saying something like "you know, my fingers seem like they're getting fatter. I can't seem to wear some of my old rings anymore." The conversation continued and she got my girlfriend to mention her ring size.

This does assume that she actually knows her own ring size. But in my case, it worked like a charm and she never suspected a thing.
posted by Diskeater at 7:55 AM on December 17, 2008

You can get in the ballpark (like chrisamiller mentions) if you know how small or big her wrists are. If she's ever had trouble with bracelets fitting properly (i.e. they're either too big or too small) then you can choose a ring on either end of the range and have better luck in resizing. If she's "normal sized" then just pick something in the middle of the range, like a size 7.
posted by cabingirl at 7:55 AM on December 17, 2008

This is easy: ask one of her girl friends. Most girls talk about that stuff. They can also usually be roped in to keeping it a surprise if you let them know you're trying to surprise your fiancee. I have two female friends who have specifically designated each other as the person to go to for ring sizes.

If your fiancee doesn't have any friends... using your fingers as a template isn't that bad an idea.
posted by valkyryn at 7:56 AM on December 17, 2008

My brother-in-law figured out which one of his own fingers my sister's rings fit on, and then tried on the engagement ring himself, on his pinky. It fits her perfectly.

And even if one of her rings won't fit all the way down on your finger, you can still fit it to one of the top joints—you're just measuring, after all, and not trying it on for yourself.
posted by ocherdraco at 7:57 AM on December 17, 2008

My now-wife lived at the time on the other side of the Atlantic, so I made a guesstimate with the jeweller (you could nab a ring of hers and take a picture of it next to something of defined size like a coin, this will help), then went back after we got engaged and had it resized. Most quality jewellers will do this for free.
posted by Happy Dave at 7:58 AM on December 17, 2008

In addition to the above I'll add that a simple gold ring with the mounts can be very cheap relative to the price of the stone, so it really isn't that big of a loss. Plus good jeweler's have been dealing with this question for a long, long time. I'm sure they will have tips .
posted by mmascolino at 8:01 AM on December 17, 2008

Mazel Tov!

One thing to consider is that she might like to help pick out her own ring. If you want to surprise her with a ring, my suggestion is to to pick out a fun placeholder that is easily resizable that you can present her with. It can even have some additional meaning between the two of you, like a play on one of her favorite foods. Etsy has tons of cute choices for under $20. Then, the two of you can look for an "official" ring together. That way she gets two meaningful rings, and you get to make her happy twice.
posted by abirae at 8:05 AM on December 17, 2008 [1 favorite]

When I was in this situation, my wife didn't wear any other rings. So, I decided I'd be sneaky, and measure her finger in her sleep. I wrapped a piece of paper around her finger while she slept, marked it and measured it later. While I think the idea was a good one, the size was wildly off, when I asked around and realized I had gotten a size that was way too big. I knocked it down a bit, and it was fine, but I wouldn't recommend my plan.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 8:07 AM on December 17, 2008

Followup: I'm pretty sure she doesn't currently have any rings I can measure. She wears necklaces and earrings but no rings... The suggestion about asking a friend is a good idea, I think her sister (they are very close) can find an excuse to get the measurement.
posted by thewalrus at 8:09 AM on December 17, 2008

One thing to be careful about with resizing. If you get an eternity band (one with stones all the way around it), I do not think it can be resized easily (if at all).

If you want to be extra cautious, I think mmascolino is on to something. The stone itself is the most valuable. Just get a cheap setting and let your fiancee have fun picking the real one.
posted by murrey at 8:09 AM on December 17, 2008

Most people are terrible at guestimating ring size based on built/eyeballing it/whatever. (I'm pretty good at it, but then again, I've sold jewelry.)

Get her friends or sister to find out. Easiest way for them to do this is invent a reason to shop at a jewelry store, get their own fingers sized, nudge clerk into sizing your girl's fingers as well. Other scenario is for someone to nudge her into trying on their own rings to see how they fit.

If you need to base it on the size of another figure, it may be useful for you to know that a general ballpark is that a woman's pinky is usually about two sizes smaller than her ring finger, which is about two sizes smaller than the middle and index finger (which are much closer in size.)

If you want to try measuring in her sleep, use a piece of string for a more accurate reading than a piece of paper.
posted by desuetude at 8:22 AM on December 17, 2008

I'm pretty sure she doesn't currently have any rings I can measure. She wears necklaces and earrings but no rings...

I had this problem, exactly. What I did was find a really good jeweler (not a mall store, but the kind of place where they design and make their own jewelry on the premises) and talked with them. I looked at all the hands of the people who worked there, and found the hand that was closest to my partner's in size. That gave a starting size, and I think they suggested going a tiny bit larger in case the estimation was wrong, but I don't remember exactly. As it happened, the size was perfect, but an adjustment would have been trivial for them to do. And my impression was that the jewelers saw this issue every day, and were really skilled at translating "uh, maybe a bit smaller than a hot dog" into realistic ring sizing.

If your girlfriend and her sister have similar-sized hands, then go shopping with the sister and use her hands as a starting point for sizing, or even just borrow a ring of hers that fits the right finger.
posted by Forktine at 8:25 AM on December 17, 2008

My husband proposed with a toy ring (one of those spider ones, from Halloween) and then went shopping with me later. If it's just the surprise you're going for, you could do something like that. Otherwise, it's pretty common for the ring to be re-sized after the proposal.
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 8:26 AM on December 17, 2008

My husband took my mother along to the jewelry store. I can usually wear her rings, so she guessed. She went a little too large, so I had it resized. No big deal. Gold is easy to resize; I'm not sure about platinum. Congratulations.
posted by desjardins at 8:38 AM on December 17, 2008

My husband proposed with a toy ring (one of those spider ones, from Halloween) and then went shopping with me later. If it's just the surprise you're going for, you could do something like that. Otherwise, it's pretty common for the ring to be re-sized after the proposal.
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 8:26 AM on December 17 [+] [!]



I LOVE this idea!!!! But beware...I am a bit unconventional and love kooky/quirky/amusing things. I know some more traditional women, however, who would HATE this and want to show their fancy ring off right away. I, on the other hand, would wear my silly spider ring with childlike glee and amusement until I got the real one--like I said, i am "a bit" unconventional, not completely.

I guess it depends on your fiancee-to-be's personality.
posted by murrey at 8:51 AM on December 17, 2008

It's the stone, not the setting. Talk to the jeweler. Guess on the size and get an average setting. After you propose bring her in to get the setting she wants and have them move the stone into it. This is something that jewelers have to deal with all the time.
posted by plinth at 9:15 AM on December 17, 2008

I think Green Eyed Monster's idea is adorable too!
posted by radioamy at 9:18 AM on December 17, 2008

Other scenario is for someone to nudge her into trying on their own rings to see how they fit.

My sister did this when she wanted to know my size to buy me a ring as a gift. "I want to see how my ring looks on you. Try it on." I thought it was kinda weird, but I did it. "Now this one." (It was a size bigger.) She got it dead on.

I've heard ring size and shoe size can be related, but that doesn't always pan out:

I think most people's ring size are proportionate to the rest of their body. My ring size is about average 5.5, my height is pretty average 5'7" and my weight is average for my height, and my shoe size is 7.5....right at average. I guess I'm just an average person.

As a direct counter to that, I am a woman that is 5' - 6", I have a shoe size of 10, and my ring size is 9.

You could also tell her not to forget something. Make a production out of it by tying a string to her index finger. That will get you close.
posted by Monday at 9:23 AM on December 17, 2008

When my husband proposed to me, he presented me with an adjustable hose clamp.He knew I didn't want a traditional engagement ring and we're both gear-heads, so it worked out well.

He later replaced it with a wedding band.
posted by workerant at 9:31 AM on December 17, 2008 [3 favorites]

You can use a cute novelty stand-in ring that is either too big or adjustable. One guy I knew used a heart-shaped mood ring. Beverly Cleary's husband Clarence proposed to her with a ring off his cigar. She wrote in her autobiography that she still has it.
posted by orange swan at 9:33 AM on December 17, 2008

Along with the warning about resizing an eternity band, you also have to watch resizing rings where stones are held in a compression mount. My wife's ring has a few small diamonds on either side of the main diamond in this type of the mount. When I bought the ring, I was close on the size, but it had to be sized smaller. Come to find out that it was sized too small for the original specs on the ring, so we continually lose diamonds (one or two a year) from those now-weaker compression mounts. Luckily, we have the lifetime service plan on the ring with the jeweler (Jared), so they replace them for free. They've also offered to replace the entire ring with the same model, but one that's made for her specific size so the compression mount works right.
posted by JibberJabber at 9:41 AM on December 17, 2008

Previously, Jofus had tons of weird challenges so there's some good of "out of the box" in that thread, but no follow up (and I know he's married now) so, boo! Jofus. Maybe I'll go call him out on Twitter and see if he'll come share his wisdom. Lots of engagement ring threads though they're mostly about diamonds, natch.
posted by nanojath at 10:37 AM on December 17, 2008

P.S. Memail a mod and ask them to make this post retroactively anonymous! Your stealth is lacking.
posted by nanojath at 10:41 AM on December 17, 2008

I've heard ring size and shoe size can be related, but that doesn't always pan out:

I used to work in a jewelry store, and this is a complete urban legend. Totally false.

Your best bet is probably to take a friend who has similarly-sized hands, and not sweat it too much. Re-sizing most engagement rings is an easy, quick process that your jeweler will be happy to do for you.

If you find yourself having to guess, try to guess on the high side, as that way you can at least slide it on her finger, even if it won't stay on, and it's easier and cheaper to size a ring down (you're cutting gold out of it) than size it up (you're adding gold to it).
posted by EarBucket at 10:59 AM on December 17, 2008

If you want to try measuring her finger while she sleeps, you can use calipers.
posted by K.P. at 11:10 AM on December 17, 2008

(Steps to the mike to rapturous applause)

Yes, I got engaged and lived to tell the tale. I had all sorts of whacky-ass plans afoot (as you can tell from my previous question) that involved waiting until she was asleep, drugging her, removing her finger...

What the more sensible contributors pointed out in that thread is what I will now impart to you in a super concise format that even a chump like me couldn't mess up.

1) Ask her best friend and her mother.

2) If neither of them know, then get them to guess and then...

3) Get one a whole size bigger than they think it is.

To explain (not that there's a great deal of nuance in anything I ever do but..)

Girls know this kind of thing. And when they don't know, they've got a damn sight more of an insight than you have because they wear rings. And have ovaries.

The reason that you want to buy one that's deliberately bigger is
a) Its easier to make a ring smaller than it is to make it bigger when you have it re-sized. Oh, and the seller of the ring will re-size it for free. And if he doesn't, then you don't buy the ring from him as he's clearly not on the side of the angels.

b) When she (inevitably) says yes, you want to be able to slip the ring on, regardless of fit. Too small and she won't be able to even try it on.

c) On the night (and if you get a good one, for weeks to come) she'll be whipping it off, holding it up to the light, playing with it, showing it to folk and generally showing it off. It's the one thing she won't lose that night, so don't worry about that.

And don't strive too much for perfection. She's going to have the perfect husband for the rest of her life; she'll understand this one little imperfection on the night, and in fact will have forgotten within seconds of the ring going on. So it's too big! So what? It's got a rock the size of marble on it.

(You got one of the big diamonds, right? They like them.)

Ooh, and also, if you get your ring from somewhere *tasty* then you get to take her there when they resize it. These places lay it on like nowhere on earth. (Coffee? Champage? Chocolate truffle? Why of course madam, and can I scatter rose petals at your feet as you walk?) She'll love that - and you will enjoy the chocolates.

What I'm trying to say is that fit is not important. All that's important is that the ring goes on her finger, and you mean it when you tell her you love her and want to marry her.

Following the above steps will guarantee that your engagement is no worse than mine. And mine was the best night of my life.

And I am crying now.
posted by Jofus at 11:11 AM on December 17, 2008 [6 favorites]

I've heard ring size and shoe size can be related, but that doesn't always pan out:

I think most people's ring size are proportionate to the rest of their body. My ring size is about average 5.5, my height is pretty average 5'7" and my weight is average for my height, and my shoe size is 7.5....right at average. I guess I'm just an average person.

As a direct counter to that, I am a woman that is 5' - 6", I have a shoe size of 10, and my ring size is 9.

Seconding that is a myth. (The linked thread posits that the average ring size is three sizes smaller than your shoe size, which is bizarre.)

I will say that if you have larger-than-average feet, you will probably have a larger-than-average finger size. But that's not specific enough to very helpful to you.

Also, that quoted person's ring size and shoe size are indeed about average, but the average height of women is more like 5 foot 3.
posted by desuetude at 11:59 AM on December 17, 2008

I'll add one more thing to all the good tips above: you don't have to have a ring in-hand to propose. I say this based on experience. Honestly, the words are what matter not the ring.

There are distinct advantages as well. You can then both head to the jeweler to pick the ring she's been dreaming about.

My proposal (a surprise to us both!) was no less significant for lack of a ring. Hell, I was so poor I couldn't afford one anyway. After twenty-eight years I'd say it worked out.
posted by trinity8-director at 12:13 PM on December 17, 2008

I noted once that my pinky was the same size as her ring finger. So when I went to get an engagement ring, that's what we went by. The sales guy very subtly asked if I was sure. Sadly, he was too subtle. I got a ring that was way too big. I proposed to her in a different state and she got it resized by this great Russian jeweler who noted to me, she's 5.5 you dummy. Don't ever forget it. I haven't.
posted by advicepig at 1:55 PM on December 17, 2008

Ring sizes are really hard to estimate. Do you know your own ring size? Probably not. The jeweler usually stocks most rings at an average, and that's generally close enough. Don't worry if it's not quite sized right when you propose. She'll be willing to part with it temporarily in order to have it sized. It's totally normal to have it sized AFTER you give it to her.

Best of luck on the proposal!!
posted by JuiceBoxHero at 2:27 PM on December 17, 2008

Just adding to the chorus that says err on the side of bigness. I have big workman's hands and can't wear "standard" sized rings or bracelets, and there are few things more frustrating than getting a beautiful sparkly thing and NOT BEING ABLE TO TRY IT ON.

If you are unsure about her taste, a lot of jewelers will set a stone in a "temporary" setting and then give you full credit towards another setting that you then come in and pick out together later. People can be very particular about jewelry, especially jewelry that you wear every day.

Also, since you mention not wanting to spend the money for the "traditional" bigass diamond, I will mention that my engagement ring is a lab-created blue sapphire, which was like a tenth the price of a diamond of equal prettiness and is in fact both unusual and gorgeous and I love it with all my heart. But before he could save up for that one, he proposed with a $20 silver craft fair Celtic knot ring, and I love that one too and still wear it sometimes when I'm going to the beach or whatever. The symbolism is the important part, and the memories.
posted by oblique red at 2:49 PM on December 17, 2008

I was proposed to with a ring that was too small (it is a family ring from his side) - he had it re-sized and it wasn't a big deal.

I was buying a ring for my sister and didn't want her to know, so I brought a few rings (from the thrift store) - claiming that they were old ones of mine that I didn't want and got her to try them on. Bought based on that, worked out fine.
posted by Acer_saccharum at 7:15 PM on December 17, 2008

If you have a piece of glay or plasticine, grab a ring that she wears and make an impression when she's not looking.
posted by perpetualstroll at 6:51 AM on December 18, 2008

I guessed. The ring was a little bit tight. We fixed it later. The wedding still happened!

The problem with telling anyone else you plan on proposing is that they are all vectors for your future wife to find out about the proposal. I mean, if you girlfriend doesn't wear rings now, it's going to be pretty suspect if her sister asks her to go ring shopping.
posted by chunking express at 8:50 AM on December 18, 2008

Oh, chunking. Her mom/sister/girlfriend doesn't ask her to go ring shopping, they ask her to go out [other thing] shopping that happens to be close to the jewelry store, then mom/sis/gf "remembers" something they want to see/ask at the jewelry store. From there, it's an easy hop to trying on a couple of rings "for fun."

Meanwhile, most jewelry store salespeople (this is the side on which I've been) can spot the twinkle in mom/sis/gf's eye or otherwise size up the situation and play along very cooperatively. Sure, it could get suspiciously pushy for mom/sis/gf to be all like NO IGNORE HER PROTESTS AND SIZE HER FINGERS NOW! But nice jewelry-store lady can get away with saying something hokey and chirpy like "oh, every woman should know her ring size!"
posted by desuetude at 9:05 AM on December 18, 2008