Wedding drama.. how do I cope with the aftermath of things said?
posted by bleuberry to Human Relations (54 answers total) 7 users marked this as a favorite
So we just had our wedding, which was small (less than 10 people).. In attendance were my mother and father (divorced when I was 8), 4 friends (2 of my significant other (SO) - he hadn't seen them in over 15 years, and 2 of mine - I hadn't seen in 5 years), my SO and I. And we all sat down to what was until then a beautiful dinner, and my mother decides to take the liberty of telling the story of how my SO (whom I will refer to as 'SO' from here forward) and I met, the details of which I have NOT shared with anyone except very close friends (none of whom were at the table that night) and my mother (unfortunately).
I am a very private person. The people that love ans respect me know and respect this. So, as the words, 'I would just LOVE to share how [SO] and my daughter met,' flew out of my mother's mouth, I stared her down, with a look that said, 'Don't breathe another word about my private life to ANYONE!' but she took it upon herself to continue, completely ignoring the horrified look on my face, "So, I heard about [SO] from my daughter, and you KNOW she was living with her boyfriend at the time that they met. And then she said so many wonderful things about [SO], about how spiritual he was and so on, and I said to myself, 'Oh so she and [SO] are just friends, hmf! That's a real laugh!' I said, 'But mom..' And she continued, 'Oh, it's true, I mean the relationship was long over by the time you and SO dated, and by that time you and [Ex bf] were practically just roommates,' she added with a smirk.
May I just add that the reason that I lived with my boyfriend at the time was because I HAD to get out of the house because my mother INSISTED upon having my older sister who is a COMPLETELY, destructive alcoholic and bulimic and anorexic moved in when I was living with my mother and I couldn't BEAR to live with her verbal and emotional ABUSIVENESS ANY LONGER, I couldn't DEAL with smelling the acrid alcohol and cigarette smell pouring off her body the next day after she had been out all night... that this whole time, I was trying to work on a master's degree and work and trying to stay focused and sane... that despite this, my sister while still drunk made me drive her to find her car which she 'LOST' the night before (we never found it).. that my sister finally got a DUI, that she was taken to the emergency room two other times, and had to be put in restraints on the ER bed because she was being so abusive to the nurses, that she had a concussion once after falling from drinking too much... I HAD to get out of my mother's house.
My Ex bf knew about the situation, and invited me to live with him. And I JUMPED at the opportunity to get a little sanity back into my life. Who the HELL wouldn't? My mother didn't seem to give a shit about how having my sister move in when I was already dealing with my own issues, including recovering from depression, was affecting me. It's true that I was living with my bf (now ex bf, obviously) at the time SO and I met. But god dammit, I don't want the whole GD WORLD to KNOW about my PRIVATE life (I don't care now, because am doing so 'anonymously').
Not only that, but she had NO RIGHT to tell these people (2 friends whom my I had not seen in 5 years+, the other 2, my SO had not seen in over 15 years, and who were dear friends in the past, but we had not seen them in so long) about this. I resent my mother greatly for doing this. It was actually an EXTRAORDINARILY painful breakup that I went through with my ex-bf, with my ex-bf sending me email after email about what a whore I was for dating this 'other guy', and other things I just cannot repeat, even though my Ex bf had both discussed together dating other people and agreed upon it, when we still lived together (granted we always had separate rooms the whole time we lived together and granted it was not a good idea, but I was YOUNG and didn't KNOW any better).
All of these very painful memories washed over me as she said these things, and I just sat there at the end of the table, ready to cry, and not saying a word for quite some time. I thought to myself, how could she do this to me, make me look so bad, bring out dirty laundry at my WEDDING, MY DAY when in reality, it is so GD complicated. I cried later that night in my SO's arms, when all I wanted to do was to be happy.
And weeks later, I am up at 5:30am still crying and upset about this. What do I do? I already confronted her about it. I told her in a calm manner, how much it upset me when she said all of these things. She apologized. But there is nothing that I can do to go back and repair my reputation in my friend's eyes, not that they said anything to me directly, but I could just imagine what they were thinking. And it still doesn't take back the effect that my mother made me look like a complete whore in public.. and how her words made me feel on what it supposed to be the most special day of my life. I couldn't explain the whole story and all the complexities, how my Ex bf and I had discussed and agreed to date other people, that he was working on his doctorate and would ignore my needs, and his own, and became furious at me when I just wanted to go on a walk outside when it was beautiful because he would work on math problems for hours on end, and kept gaining weight and ignoring his health, that he would keep all the blinds shut on sunny days, and would stay in his pajamas for days on end, and not bathe, and, and that I was MISERABLE for crying out loud. But God only knows WHAT was going through these people's minds and how they might see me differently now. I couldn't tell them these things.
Why is it that my mother takes it upon herself to constantly tear me down. Ever since I was a child. She even once said that I looked like a whore.. when I was just playing dress up as a child. God I felt so humiliated then and certainly now. Then later, my father starts to talk about the work he does now, and my mother turns to him in front of everyone and says, 'Oh, are the rates any BETTER than they were when you did a similar project 8 years ago?' She was being subtly bitchy. I know my mother, and I know the subtext of that question was, 'I am SO sure your projects are any more successful, because that one project you did 8 years ago fell flat on its face.' As if to oh so subtly REMIND him of a time when he FAILED. Even though she was ultimately put in charge of that project (it's complicated; they work in the same field, and although divorced, had worked on a project together).. but no one KNEW that she was put in charge of it, and my father is smart enough not to even start that conversation. What the hell is wrong with my mother?