...and I feel fine

December 14, 2008 3:42 PM

She gave me her Christmas present...a separation

My wife of six years decided a separation would be in order because she's very unhappy. But she's always unhappy, it seems. She wants me to pay more attention and I try but she says it's not enough. It feels like she wants me to be a knight in shining armor 24/7...I just can't, I don't know who can. But I'm not here to vent really, I'm here to inquire about something.

She moved out and I'm completely numb. I mean I feel nothing. Not happiness, not anger, not hurt...I'm a little scared to be alone but that's it. We have a therapy session this Tuesday and I could care less about it. I figured I'd be excited to go to it and maybe make some progress but honestly? I just don't care right now.

Is it normal to be this numb and am I in store of a huge bitch slap of emotions coming my way soon? I was fine before she dropped the bomb on me the other day.

posted by Hands of Manos to human relations (27 comments total)

Is it normal to be this numb and am I in store of a huge bitch slap of emotions coming my way soon? I was fine before she dropped the bomb on me the other day.

Yes, this is absolutely normal - and yes, you have a lot of emotions heading your way soon. Call a close friend now, and tell them what happened - you want someone to be there when the tsunami hits.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 3:48 PM on December 14, 2008 [10 favorites has favorites]

You're sad but on the other hand you probably knew it was coming and you're feeling relieved. It's like a "wash". One emotion cancels out the other. Good luck.
posted by Zambrano at 3:49 PM on December 14, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

There is no normal for feelings like this. You'll feel a million different ways. Just always pay close attention and if things feel bad, let yourself feel bad or hurt.
posted by Ironmouth at 3:52 PM on December 14, 2008

It's very normal. Don't push yourself to feel a certain way, you can't control it. Hugs being sent your way.
posted by Mouse Army at 4:00 PM on December 14, 2008

I used to do this to myself, and I've solved it by accepting that whatever I am feeling at the moment is how I feel. This may sound simplistic... but if you feel fine, then you are fine.

It's tempting to compare your situation and the conventional reaction to your situation and see that the two don't reconcile with each other, but that really doesn't mean diddly squat.
posted by pwally at 4:01 PM on December 14, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

I was going to say the same thing as Zambrano. But you are for sure going to have a head-full of shit. Yep, my first thought was, "if you don't feel it, YOU DON'T FEEL IT!
posted by wafaa at 4:02 PM on December 14, 2008

Yeah, this sounds familiar. When it happened to me I was hurt, then numb for a while, then hurt...I wouldn't get too hung up on the sequence of that.

Have a support network--whether it's (individual) counseling, friends, relatives...just people you can unburden yourself to. I always felt better when I could rotate that around so it wasn't always the same person--I felt (probably unnecessarily) that I didn't want to burden the same well too often.
posted by stevis23 at 4:02 PM on December 14, 2008

"Is it normal to be this numb and am I in store of a huge bitch slap of emotions coming my way soon?"

In my experience, yes and yes.

When my ex-girlfriend and I broke up several years ago, at first I felt fine. Maybe a little happy actually. And then I felt numb. And then I was very sad and evetually suffered from depression for a while.

It's a rollercoaster, what's coming. Friends helped though. Spending some time alone and thinking and listening to music helped too. You'll get through it though. And probably happier for the experience too (this was my experience, certainly!).
posted by Effigy2000 at 4:03 PM on December 14, 2008

I'm sorry you're going through this. What you're feeling is normal, the roller coaster ride will begin soon. Call a friend. If you drink, don't for a while until you get sort of sorted out. Eventually you'll look back on this moment and it will feel like when the dentist takes the lead apron off of you after the X-rays.
Hang in there.
posted by Floydd at 4:06 PM on December 14, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

Oh man, I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. *hugs*

Reiterating what others have said: feeling numb is perfectly normal right now. The other feelings you'll have in the future will be normal, too. At times when those feelings get really intense, just remember that feelings ebb and flow. They'll pass. It will be hard, and you might find it difficult to believe at times, but you'll get through it. I promise.

*more hugs*
posted by scody at 4:40 PM on December 14, 2008

Yes, this is normal. Give yourself permission to relax about it.
posted by eleyna at 5:13 PM on December 14, 2008

Sometimes I find that I'll feel numb just as a coping mechanism. I *know* it's not that I don't care, quite the opposite sometimes. I guess there are times where our bodies just shut down in order to protect us and help us get through to tomorrow when we're facing things that are to big to instantly wrap our brains around. Don't try to rationalize the ups and downs, even our own emotions aren't rational or easy to decipher sometimes. Just be kind to yourself and definitely try to turn to friends and family instead of going it alone. At times like this, being an island isn't always the best idea.

Good luck & take care of yourself...
posted by miss lynnster at 5:31 PM on December 14, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

My first thought when I started your post, was that you should thank her. She is doing you both a favor, she's unhappy and now you're not the excuse for it. You will be unhappy but if you get social you'll get through it a lot faster than if you let the sense of worthlessness that she's been placing on you take over. Feeling numb is normal. Feeling hurt and lonely will be normal if and when it happens. Feeling angry is normal. Share it all with a friend or two but don't bury them with it. It's all yours. It's a ride, it's normal.
posted by ptm at 5:32 PM on December 14, 2008

Not to cast any blame your way, but if you're separating after six years and all you feel is numbness, maybe she wasn't too far off about the attention thing.

Make sure you have some friends around over the next few weeks. Good luck.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 5:51 PM on December 14, 2008

She moved out and I'm completely numb. I mean I feel nothing. Not happiness, not anger, not hurt...I'm a little scared to be alone but that's it. We have a therapy session this Tuesday and I could care less about it. I figured I'd be excited to go to it and maybe make some progress but honestly? I just don't care right now.

Is it normal to be this numb and am I in store of a huge bitch slap of emotions coming my way soon? I was fine before she dropped the bomb on me the other day.

You don't feel anything...but check out your above-the-fold headline, "She gave me her Christmas present...a separation." And you were "fine before she dropped the bomb." These little clues make me think that your numbness is going to give way to something else. (But yes, numbness, and even relief, is totally normal right now.)

Yeah, tell a close friend what's up so you have someplace to vent when the urge strikes. It may take awhile, like until you have to do something alone that you used to do together.
posted by desuetude at 6:00 PM on December 14, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

I don't know if it's normal, but at least it happened to me as well. I stumbled around for months in a cloud. Friends kept waiting for me to be angry, but the anger never came. Numbness turned into grief, eventually, and then the grief slowly subsided. Don't worry about what you're feeling at any given moment, just do your best to actually feel it. As others have pointed out, plenty of emotions will head your way in the coming months. Try not to drink too much. It won't help, in the long run.
posted by fiery.hogue at 6:03 PM on December 14, 2008

All I have to go on here is my own experience, and it's mixed.

I was in a relationship of ~3 years, and she broke up with me. I felt numb and dazed for about a month, and then I was over it. This was a relationship that had outlasted its sell-by date—I didn't see the breakup coming, but once it happened, I didn't really feel bad about it.

Then I was in another relationship of ~5 years, and she broke up with me, and I felt like I was being knocked over by a bag of bricks every day for a year.

So, go figure. Six years is a long time. There's probably some stuff in your history that'll have to work its way out.
posted by adamrice at 6:09 PM on December 14, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

I'm seconding the relief canceling out any sadness. I know I've often felt this way towards people that I love, but have extremely frustrating qualities. When it's come time to cut ties with them it's been hard to be 100% sad over it. I mostly feel nothing in those situations.
posted by Nattie at 6:23 PM on December 14, 2008

thanks, guys.
posted by Hands of Manos at 7:46 PM on December 14, 2008

Totally normal. You're probably shutting down for protection. Give yourself a break, take it easy, go gently on yourself. And yeah, get your friends involved. You're going to need lots of support in the next little while.

I'm sure you already know this: you can't make anyone happy. They can only make themselves happy, and then they can choose to share that with others. She appears to be blaming you, but you shouldn't blame yourself.

I feel for you. Lots.
posted by Hildegarde at 8:02 PM on December 14, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

Just to add a little nuance to the "yeah, you're in for it" answers: I get the impression from that relatively laconic description that your marriage has been an exhausting one. Most omg-she-left-me posts that wind up on the green are extremely long, deeply personal, and torrentially confused. You're none of this, and yeah, that is in some part due to shock.

From what very little we can extrapolate from your post, your situation has bled you both dry. While you are indeed in the eye of a storm that will eventually wash over you, I don't know if it's going to be the waterboarding experience like many separations are. Sometimes exhausting relationships quietly leech away your vitality, and when someone finally calls it off, you feel that human energy return many-fold. You will feel relieved, and you will realize how poisonous and unhappy the status quo felt, and you will close the door on that part of your life.

You know why your marriage is taking a hiatus, or even facing its demise, and it sounds like you're so f-ing tired that leaving it behind is going to feel very, very good.
posted by Viola at 8:52 PM on December 14, 2008 [3 favorites has favorites]

Nothing new to really add here - just wanted to say I'm so sorry this is happening to you right now. Take care of yourself like you would a good friend who needed it. Make yourself good meals, treat yourself to things you like to do, read escapist fiction, exercise in a way that feels good physically. If you start to feel yourself slide into a rut ask yourself: what can I do for me right now that is good for me? Then do that. Best wishes.
posted by dog food sugar at 9:13 PM on December 14, 2008

Two of the three answers you've favorited so far have a lot of sympathy and concern for you in them. The other has something about being gentle with yourself ("give yourself permission"). Whatever you're feeling, it seems like what you want now is to be surrounded by love, warmth, and concern.

If this mind-reading sort of comment feels invasive to you, or if it's just wrong, I am sorry. And I'm really sorry for what you're going through.
posted by salvia at 9:18 PM on December 14, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

..and its the worst cliche ever but its absolutely true - time heals everything. Its the hardest thing in the word to believe but remembering that got me through a few similar occasions.
posted by daveyt at 5:55 AM on December 15, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Ugh. I've long loved you here, and this just SUCKS. I'm so sorry. The thing about it is this: there are no certainties or normals. You might never find or know a reason. You might never feel true anger, maybe it will be grief instead. You might be able to talk to her about what's going on, but you might feel like bashing your head into a brick wall would be more rewarding. Be patient with yourself, but also - try - to be patient with the process. That might mean listening to her or to friends even when you don't want to - sometimes it will help. You'll surprise yourself in the coming year, at least five or six times; sometimes for the best, and sometimes for the worst. Wishing you lots of love in the meantime.
posted by barnone at 8:05 AM on December 15, 2008

Nothing to add, except that I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Couple therapy may help you get back together, or may help you realize that you shouldn't.
posted by theora55 at 3:56 PM on December 15, 2008

I am sorry to hear about your separation. As a divorced and remarried person, I can remember what I went through. I was the leaver, although it was pretty numbing at first when I had the realization I had to go due to the fellow's behavior- I was so close to suicide that I had already begun giving away my things and created a plan to jump off a bridge into the Willamette river. Feeling numb is normal like bleeding is normal when you get a cut- it's a sign we've been hurt- it's our way of turning off the pain until we can get to a place that feels safe enough to deal with the abandonment and begin healing. Every Christmas I get blue because I am still dealing with how awful my first marriage really was for me.

Counseling in itself is a wise thing. The help is there so you can get understanding either in knowing how to repair the relationship and improve it or to extricate yourself with less harm to you. Take advantage of the counseling help, don't tell them what you think they want to hear and most of all be prepared to be honest with yourself and her. You may discover this is for the best or discover the relationship can be saved.
In my experience I learned it is easy to be an unhappy person when you expect others to create your happiness and don't empower yourself to be happy. I learned that in order to be happy, I have to try to make others happy but also I must be true to myself and do things that make me happier and better person. I also have learned to appreciate the effort of those who make the attempt. I am now married to a guy who in a perfect world would fall short of the ideal- however he has a good soul, caring demeanor, and my family loves him to pieces because he makes me happy. In my eyes he is a knight in shining armor, if only because he puts his whole heart into loving our family even if he fails, he wins for trying.
So my wish for you this Christmas is that you will make it through to see another Christmas that will be better than this one.
posted by agentsarahjane at 9:47 AM on December 18, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]