Between a rock and a hard place
September 25, 2012 7:02 AM Subscribe
I have recently separated from my wife of 6 years and have moved out of the family home into temporary accommodation. It has been about a month since I left and I am in a very confused place at the moment. My wife has put forward an ultimatum that is tearing me apart and I would appreciate some perspective from the hive mind.
posted by anonymous to human relations (79 answers total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
Since separation and whilst waiting for relationship counseling my wife has admitted kissing another male and signing up to dating/hook up sites and arranged to meet someone but he cancelled at the last minute. She admits that she would have met him had he turned up. Throughout all this though she claims to still love me but dropped the bombshell that she has never ever been attracted to me. She has always been attracted to people who treat her badly so made the conscious choice to be someone she did not feel attracted to. She says that she fantasizes about other men when we have sex and as such I am left reeling with the notion that I have never had sex with someone who is attracted to me (she was/is my first love). She does not see this issue as a good reason to divorce (we have children) and has told me she is prepared to continue to 'live the lie' as she puts it. I find it very hard to understand how she can say she loves me when she has allowed me to live this illusion but she argues she has lied to herself. Her logic is that she will just end up repeating the behavior with someone else so is prepared to put up with the continuation of the status quo. I feel incredibly betrayed and upset and find it nigh on impossible to see a way through this which doesn't result in separation.
I do love my wife but do not perceive love in any of her actions towards me. I think I deserve to be with someone who is actually attracted to me. We had our first marriage counseling session and I was looking to the counselor for some guidance on whether the fact my wife is not attracted to me and never has been and more importantly never will be - is enough in itself to say this is damaging for all of us and should not continue. I was somewhat disappointed when the counselor said it was not her place to say and that it is down to the individual couple. My wife says the problem is just sex but I do not see it as sustainable for either of us. My wife is also putting me in the impossible situation of saying that she requires love and affection and if I do not give it to her she will get it elsewhere (hence the kissing this guy she met in a bar and signing up to various sites) but at the same time she is saying she is not attracted to me. I think for my own sanity I should draw a line under this but matters of the heart are rarely straightforward and I do still feel very strongly about her even given what she has put me through. Is it realistic to have a marriage based on attraction that is one way only? Throwaway email firstname.lastname@example.org. Thanks