How do I let my friend know that his behavior is bothering me?

December 5, 2008 1:57 PM

How do I politely let a friend know they're crossing the line from joking teasing to being hurtful and that their constant sarcastic, negative attitude is getting old?

My longtime friend is someone like this person before the epiphany. He's big on the teasing and busting chops. He can be funny, but just as easily riding the line of being obnoxious followed up with 'just kidding.'

An example of the funny would: I'm a short guy. Hence a quip during a discussion of baby clothes for an friend's upcoming child, that I'd have some the new kid could use - the delivery was perfect and it was so absurd, I laughed until tears came to my eyes.

An example of the not funny:
Telling an old war story about a game from years past with a mock(?)-aggrieved tone, ending with a friendly "you douche."
Not funny and out of nowhere (except that we were with other gamers.)

Example of negativity that's bugging me more and more:
He comes in, comments on how we're heating the upstairs neighbors, and how he, living in an upstairs apt, hasn't had to turn on his apartment yet. To show me something on my computer, bitches about how much he hates my ergo keyboard and funny mouse. Points out a book on my bookshelf and comments how he could just never get into that one, just stopped caring. And so on. It sounds really minor, but when it happens more and more often, it really just starts to drive me up the wall.

I'm a fairly non-confrontational person and I really am not big on the sarcastic-edged teasing a lot of guys engage in. I'm aware that a big part of the solution (to both the teasing and the huge negativity) is sacking up and pointing out that his behavior is bothering me. It's how to do that without making a huge deal about it.

No doubt part of the problem is the recent election - he's fiercely conservative and thinks that Obama's one step from socialism. Despite our always being worlds apart politically, we've been friends a long time, but this has strained it quite a bit (he had a tendency to rant until our group made a no politics at the table rule). He and his wife live a fair drive away, so we've been seeing quite a bit less of them since the move, and the above behaviors don't make us any more inclined to reach out.

I wouldn't be writing this if I was ready to just walk away and lose a friend. I know that friendships change over a lifetime and sometimes people just drift apart, but I want to at least make an attempt to set things right.

Help me out, hivemind.

posted by canine epigram to human relations (24 comments total)

"Dude, give it a rest. Your "jokes" are getting a little old." For added effect, use your fingers when you say jokes.

If you can deliver this in a sarcastic manner, he might take the hint. If not, just completely ignore him when he's acting out.
posted by Solomon at 2:07 PM on December 5, 2008

You've known him a long time, you can tell him his jokes are getting worse. Don't make it this big emotional thing, it's just comedy advice.
posted by rhizome at 2:18 PM on December 5, 2008

I know someone who eventually had to end a friendship because of this. When you think about it, it's pretty disrespectful to come into someone's house and belittle everything they have, say, and do, even if individual instances don't seem that offensive.

Talk to him. Expect him to be shocked; don't expect him to understand right away, as you know by his personality what his initial instincts are like. If he tries to pull "Hey, stop being such a baby, can't you take a joke?" don't be cowed. Tell him you'd like him to think about it and start paying attention to how often he does this. It's not about someone not being able to express his honest opinions, it's about knowing when they are welcome.
posted by hermitosis at 2:20 PM on December 5, 2008

That sort of negativity is obnoxious. Next time he says something pointlessly negative, respond with "give it a rest, yeah? I happen to like (thing he is putting down.)"
posted by Solon and Thanks at 2:20 PM on December 5, 2008 [1 favorite]

Consider the possibility that his jokes are a reflection of his mindset, and that there might be more than just the politics on his mind of late.

If you get a chance, ask him if there's something wrong. Let him know that you've noticed that he seems awfully negative recently, and that you're worried about him.

And if nothing's bugging him, you've still let him know he's being a bit of a jerk lately, so maybe he'll cut it out.
posted by MrVisible at 2:24 PM on December 5, 2008

Well my first observation would be that he's terribly insecure and using that strategy to overstate his confidence - but that's probably too Freudian.

I'd just tell him, frankly. But it would have to be done in a way that doesnt reinforce your own "non-confrontational" nature. Be firm and just tell him the truth. He will, of course joke about it, but dont back down. I repeat, dont back down. You dont have to be a jerk, just firm and polite. Perhaps it would be better stated referencing your nom de plume: He wants to be the Alpha - let him know that that wont work for you. People arent dogs - if you've been friends this long, he will probably understand in time.
posted by elendil71 at 2:28 PM on December 5, 2008

say, "You're crossing the line from joking teasing to being hurtful and that your constant sarcastic, negative attitude is getting old."

You may want to preface it with "Dude".

Seriously, you know exactly what you want to say, and it sounds like you are friends enough (and the situation is advanced enough!) to tell him instead of us. I say go for it.
posted by dirtdirt at 2:29 PM on December 5, 2008 [3 favorites]

Your friend's continually pejorative comments are likely symptomatic of underlying anger, resentment, insecurities, and unhappiness. In other words, his comments are the iceberg-tip of a glacier of personal woes.

This is why it's likely that if you request that he halt the putdowns, he will counter with: a) offensive remarks ("you're just too sensitive"); b) defensive remarks ("I'm just kidding"); and c) little or no change in behavior.

Best strategy: Next time he makes a crass comment, politely ask him not to ridicule. Say "as your friend, I'm making this simple request." Don't debate about whether he's funny or not, whether you are hypersensitive or not, etc. Just keep repeating, "I'm requesting this." And whenever he may fall back into old mean-spirited habits, don't respond. Don't smile. Don't frown. Don't comment. Just look at him. Allow him to be uncomfortable in the silence.

Behavior modification -- and that's what this is -- to change a long-standing habit takes time and perseverance. If he values your friendship, he will deal with the discomfort, acknowledge his problems, and gradually stop the snarkiness.
posted by terranova at 2:36 PM on December 5, 2008 [2 favorites]

I wouldn't fight sarcasm with sarcasm. Instead I'd just calmly say something like, "that's not really funny" or "could you tone down the bitterness a bit?"

I sometimes cross the line between funny and obnoxious, myself; delivering the perfect one-liner at a party can make you feel pretty good about yourself and has a bigger attention payoff than an in-depth conversation, so once you get that initial big reaction it's tempting to keep trying for more. "That zinger just now didn't work, hey, there's probably another opportunity around the bend. I'll get lotsa laffs yet!" And it's pretty hard to know where the line is.

I don't think I'd like being told every single time something I said was annoying or unfunny, but I do very much appreciate being gently informed by close friends that something I've been doing or saying repeatedly is getting old. And when I know that a friend is annoyed by my behavior, I will do my best to curtail the annoying-ness.

It's possible your friend is the same way, using jokes as his social currency without realizing how quickly he's devaluing them. A quick "hey, that's annoying" usually works; repeat as necessary.
posted by Metroid Baby at 2:41 PM on December 5, 2008

Telling an old war story about a game from years past with a mock(?)-aggrieved tone, ending with a friendly "you douche."

Say "Don't call me a douche."

I fell asleep on the couch after consuming a few beers not too long ago. A "friend" wrote her name on my head thinking it was funny.

When I woke up, I looked her in the eye, asked her to take it off. When she protested she was just kidding I said "I think that says a lot about how you treat people in a vulnerable state." For a hippie save-the-world type who thinks all she does is save people, that was a wake-up call.

Look them right in the eye when you say it. They will crumble.
posted by Ironmouth at 2:50 PM on December 5, 2008 [1 favorite]

If confronting the problem fails to rectify the problem—his douchebaggery—then abstain from acknowledging it. An example in practice: Overheard in New York.
posted by trotter at 3:23 PM on December 5, 2008

I just wonder why some people think this is funny--and those who've said it's a reflection of some kind of self-esteem issue may be onto something.

I know someone who is very personable and loving and kind to his wife and children and smart and talented--but when he gets together with The Gang, a group of old friends, he becomes Asshole Man, for reasons I cannot fathom, except that maybe his friends have over time reinforced this behavior such that it makes everyone in that group settle into a "comfort zone" exclusive of others and, somehow, nostalgic.

Last time I saw him (at a fucking funeral) I said to him "You know one of these days you're going to piss off the wrong person. and he's going to bust you in the face." I don't know if I got through to him, or not.
posted by Restless Day at 3:29 PM on December 5, 2008

If you've known someone for a very long time and he's always been like this, the fact that you've recently decided he is an annoying person is really your problem, not his. After all, the one who has adjusted their attitude to this relationship is you. If that's the case, there is little that you can (or should) say to change his behaviour.

If, however, it's more of a recent thing, you can get him to tone it down by finding out what's bugging him and helping him fix it.
posted by dydecker at 3:49 PM on December 5, 2008

Regarding the constant belittling negativity thing, ohhh, I know people like this. Generally they think they're making idle conversation and honestly have no idea that every single thing they've said is bitchy. So, after the nth comment, point it out.

You: Dude, who pissed in your cornflakes?
Dude: [blank look] What...? I'm just sayin'.
You: ...that I am surrounded by suck? Hey, quit it.

And then drop it, change the subject to something that is a normal subject for small talk.
posted by desuetude at 3:56 PM on December 5, 2008 [2 favorites]

Hah, this was my friend almost exactly for awhile. You just have to point out its "getting old" and its bothering you. Yes, that might lead to more joking at your expense if he's on a roll...but in the long run it *should* work in getting the guilt complex going. Its my opinion that this type of behavior is very much a projection of poor self-esteem...so just pointing it out goes a long way as you will be aknowledging that your self esteem as well is hurt. From there you will be able to point out when "he's doing it again" which possibly he will be grateful.

I don't think he has any ill intent towards you, a simple "Alright alright...cut it out already!" can start off some form of dialog to put this to rest (or atleast get back to the humorous side of the ribbing).
posted by samsara at 4:19 PM on December 5, 2008

Your "friend" in an Invalidator. Reading it probably wouldn't change him, but you might find Jay Carter's Nasty People useful.
posted by Rash at 5:01 PM on December 5, 2008

I don't see a need to bring your own feelings into it.

"Dude, what is with you lately? Everything is down, down, down."
posted by tkolar at 9:33 PM on December 5, 2008 [1 favorite]

I'm on the "comment prefaced with 'Dude'" end of this one, too, except mine is "Dude. You looooove to bitch."

Nothing else required, just a flat statement of how much he loves to bitch, delivered in a dryly matter-of-fact tone.
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 11:44 PM on December 5, 2008 [1 favorite]

Maybe after he's done with a string of jokes, a little, "you done?" would do the trick.

Also make sure you're not trying too much harder to preserve the friendship than he is. That kind of disparity will make you more sensitive and him less merciful.
posted by philosophistry at 12:33 AM on December 6, 2008

When he complains about stuff in your house--"Wow, you sure love to bitch, don't you."
If he gets mad, maybe bring up how he can dish it out, but he can't take it.

A good, firm eye-roll can be very effective, especially if there's another person around other than him, and the two (or more) of you can share a "look" at his expense.

Sounds like he needs to be put in his place a bit.
posted by fructose at 9:56 AM on December 6, 2008

Oh, someone already said what I said about noting how he loves to bitch. :-)
posted by fructose at 9:57 AM on December 6, 2008

Thanks all. Those who suggested actual examples - that's really helpful. It's always easier for me to mental rehearse situations like this.

He has not always been this way, but the tendency to grouse has always been there. I know he's got a lot on his mind of late - he's further away from friends, he works a job he hates in an industry in great turmoil... it's not hard to see why he might be sliding into negativity. Unfortunately, these aren't things in my power to fix.

I think I need to be faster about responding in the moment - I tend to just get slightly flustered and not say much, but a combination of the lighter responses going to the firm responses might do the trick. So I'll try that and post back if it works.
posted by canine epigram at 5:39 PM on December 6, 2008

Ding Training.

I invented this as a way to tame a ruthlessly self-aggrandizing friend and it worked quite well. My friend used to compare himself to me all the time, always in a way that made him look better than me. It was lame. So here is what I did to him, applied to your situation:

You: Hey, I wanted to show you this cool video, it's a ninja cat--
Him: Dude, your ergonomic keyboard sucks. How do you type like this?
You: Ding. (say it in a normal tone of voice- don't yell it or make it accusatory or make a bell sound effect, just dryly say the word "ding".)
Him: Huh?
(Make sure to keep the tone light. You're making a point, but in a fun, ironic way. Do not allow hurt feelings to get involved here- slightly aloof is better than plaintive.)
You: I decided to start keeping track of all your criticisms. Every time you rag on me, I'm gonna ring an imaginary bell.
Him: That's stupid.
You: Ding.
Him: Can't you take a joke?
You: Ding.
Him: Okay, I'm gonna start saying Ding on you, too.
You: Be my guest, senor. Anyway, this video is funny, look at this. (Let it go, and get back to whatever you were talking about before.)

Every time he's a jerk, you dryly say "Ding" before going on to the next point.

Him: Your avatar is ugly.
You: Ding. This is a cool website, they had a post about robots.
Him: Robots are so last month.
You: Ding. Hey, did you see Slumdog Millionaire?

Do not make a big deal, don't accuse him, don't stop the conversation, don't have a tone of "See how often you do this?" Just say it calmly and then continue your sentence to get on with the conversation.

If you have to Ding him in public, do it. When others ask why, just wait- don't answer right away- let him explain. The shame of it will speed up the process. If he doesn't explain you mildly explain, "Jimmy here likes to insult me a lot, so every time he does, I ring an inaginary bell."

During the Ding Training, at first he'll be defensive, "Dude cut it out, you insult me all the time too, I just forget to Ding you, blah blah blah." Just mildly let him rant, and whenever he insults you say Ding. Don't take the bait and insult him back. He's just embarrassed because he realizes how often he's being a jerk.

Soon he'll start rolling his eyes & saying Ding himself, like "Oh, I know, Ding, right? Sheesh."-- He'll do it before you even have a chance to do it. That's great- it means he's starting to realize where the line is.

For a while, he'll try to Ding you every time you tease him, but it won't happen as often because you're not as mean.

Eventually, he will realize, "I am critical too often. Nobody is as critical of me as I am of them. That is not fair. I should stop this." He will never admit to these thoughts, but his Ding frequency will decrease. This took about 2 weeks in my situation, seeing the person every day.

When he scales back the insults, it's time for you to scale back on the technique. Til now you should have been Dinging him for every insult (unless it was REALLY funny, you can let those ones go). You wanted to make a point of showing him how often he does it, even if some of the times you Dinged him were not hurtful comments. But eventually, when he gets the point and brings the insult frequency back to an acceptable level, you can stop Dinging him for the friendly jibes. If he's just teasing like a normal friend, let it go & enjoy it. But you can reserve the right to Ding him for insults that cross the line, forever after.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 12:32 PM on December 7, 2008 [5 favorites]

While I haven't yet commented on the other negative behavior, the politics thing came to a nasty head.

After unsucessfully trying to avoid having a conversation on politics (on the phone when he called to chat about something else) where he called me out for "blowing him off" (fair enough), I pointed out how rhetorical style made it impossible to have a discussion (rather than an argument with him.) He then accused me of having written something that had offended his wife (patently false) and declared that fine, he'd no longer talk politics with me, and hung up. Since then, it's been all surface, and I guess that's the best I can hope for now.

I left one message indicating a desire to talk about how we talk about politics, but it's been ignored.
posted by canine epigram at 6:44 PM on February 28, 2009