How to mourn my still-living sister?

December 2, 2008 11:03 AM

I'm mourning my sister. The catch? She isn't dead. She just isn't herself anymore. How do I go about this in a healthy way?

My sister and I were always very close. We come from a large family, and in recent years the whole family structure has just kind of fallen apart.

I moved across the country, so I'm sure I bear some of the weight of that. And everyone else went through changes too. A brother was diagnosed with a mental illness. Another sister left home, got pregnant, eventually got married, and now has two beautiful babies (and is doing a wonderful job as a mother). And my parents got divorced after years of everyone waiting (and hoping) for it to happen.

All the rest of it I can seem to deal with pretty directly because everyone seems to still be themselves, just dealing with new and different realities. But my previously progressive, studious, lighthearted, fun-loving sister doesn't even seem like herself anymore.

She gave up her dream of becoming a doctor because she wants to be a mother and saw the two as mutually exclusive(!?). She started dating a complete troglodyte of a guy and is now engaged to him despite his seriously deranged and dangerous behavior that scares the bejeezus out of the rest of us - not to mention his complete and total dissimilarity with the rest of us and our values. And she's been treating me strangely lately - like accidentally almost signing her whole name on my birthday card as if I were a casual acquaintance, and mentioning that she would be in my city in early December and that it would be "really great to see me." My family may be fractured, but none of the rest of them would even question whether they would see me if they were visiting my city. But the saddest part of all is that the laughter in her voice is gone. She used to light up a room just by talking. Now her voice is flat and tired and completely devoid of that magic.

So I'm mourning the sister I had. And I don't know how to do that now that there is a pod person I have to deal with who pretends she is my sister. I don't recognize this new person. I don't like this new person.

Of course, this new person is the one who is coming to town this weekend, and who thinks it would be "really great to see me" while she's here. So what do I do? Short term? Long term?

Email responses welcome and appreciated: [e-mail]

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (22 answers total)

Does she know how you feel about her fiance? If so, that may be why she is acting a little distant and strange with you.
posted by amro at 11:18 AM on December 2, 2008 [2 favorites]

like accidentally almost signing her whole name on my birthday card as if I were a casual acquaintance, and mentioning that she would be in my city in early December and that it would be "really great to see me."

I think you're reading too much into both of these incidents. These are both normal things that any person could/would do. I think ou should give her the benefit of the doubt and not assume that she is somehow snubbing you, at least based on the details you've given.

I don't know how to do that now that there is a pod person I have to deal with who pretends she is my sister. I don't recognize this new person. I don't like this new person.

She's your sister, and as you've said, people change. She may not make decisions that you like, she may not be the same as you remember her, and she may not be who you want her to be. But she doesn't have to do any of those things. She is free to be whoever she wants to be and make whatever decisions she wants to make, and you won't be able to force her to fit into some image of what you think she should be. I think you should just accept her as who she is and go from there.
posted by burnmp3s at 11:19 AM on December 2, 2008 [7 favorites]

New person? She's still the same person. Changing her dreams doesn't change that, and neither does her marrying someone you don't like or growing apart from you as you grow older.

I'm sure you love her, not her-that-is-happy-and-unmarried-and-interacts-casually-and-is-everything-you-want-in-a-sister. What do you do? When you see her, find out what her new dreams are. Have a really great time seeing her.
posted by Solon and Thanks at 11:20 AM on December 2, 2008

Is there a history of depression in your family? Depression can fully alter a person, to the point they're making choices that don't mesh with the past person you knew, in addition to making one fairly absent minded. Alternatively (or additionally), is there a possibility of drug abuse or some new prescription medication that may be impacting her behavior?

I'm so sorry, this sounds so painful for you.
posted by December at 11:23 AM on December 2, 2008

Maintaining the relationship through regular contact would be a start. If the fiance has thrown you for such a loop that you've had difficulty talking openly with her then it makes perfect sense that things would feel awkward. If you want to rebuild a relationship then quit obsessing over how she used to be and give her the space to be who she is. Restrain your kneejerk inclination to challenge her recent choices, and simply listen to her; if she feels safe, she may become willing to confide in you again.
posted by jon1270 at 11:27 AM on December 2, 2008

Generally I think it's inappropriate to mention to someone that they've become less likable, because that is simply a matter of personal opinion. But when someone seems less happy, when the joy and magic in their life is gone, it is perfectly acceptable to address that with them.

So don't ask "Why are you so much less fun?" or even the simple "What happened to you?"

Instead, try "You don't seem happy, what can I do to help?" You could also probably do well with "We used to be so close, and I miss that. What can I do help us be friends again?" Note that both of these approaches require you to offer your help and effort, rather than suggesting that your sister do all the work.
posted by vytae at 11:29 AM on December 2, 2008 [5 favorites]

You could try not being so judgmental and accepting that your sister is a person and as such is allowed to make her decisions regarding her life which you dont get to have veto power over.

So what if she has changed, people change, get over it. Your being melodramatic about mourning who she used to be will absolutely ruin any chances of connecting with who she is now.
posted by BobbyDigital at 11:37 AM on December 2, 2008 [1 favorite]

You really should see her this weekend - is her boyfriend going to be with her? It would be good if you were able to get some time to talk to her one-on-one, and really let her talk.

Tell her that she doesn't seem like her old happy self, and ask if you can help. It can be really difficult having a boyfriend your family doesn't like (been there!) because it sets up a sort of antagonistic situation between you and them. Your family criticizes your boyfriend, you defend him out of loyalty, and because a critique of someone you chose is also a critique of yourself. Then, if it does turn out to be a bad relationship that you need to get out of, you suddenly find yourself cut off from the people that you need support from the most.

Also, as mentioned above, she may be suffering from depression, which is another good reason she might need someone to talk to.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 12:02 PM on December 2, 2008

I have been going through a very similar situation over the past few years. My sister and I are the youngest two in a very large family and have always been extremely close. She recently went through many life changes very quickly, which in turn changed who she is on a fundamental level, as you describe. I can deeply sympathize with you on this.

So I'm mourning the sister I had. And I don't know how to do that now that there is a pod person I have to deal with who pretends she is my sister. I don't recognize this new person. I don't like this new person.

This is EXACTLY what it feels like; I've said the same thing so many times. But what do you do about it? Well, like most things it will take time. I know for me I just really didn't want to be around her at all because it was creepy/depressing/not fun. I seriously expanded and emphasized my relationships with my friends and forged sister-like relationships with female friends who I felt more of a connection with. However, I also forced myself to spend time with my sister (although way less than any time previous in our lives), and I think that this helps if you take it in small doses.

Try to steer the time you spend with her toward nostalgic topics, or in-jokes that the two of you share. Her reactions to these things might help you to realize that the sister you used to know is still in there someplace. Talk about your family members or mutual friends, always emphasizing the vast amounts that the two of you have in common. I would avoid putting it right out there that she is different and that you don't feel a connection to her anymore. I did this at one point when I became really frustrated and a. she didn't "get it" (and therefore it didn't change anything), b. it made her really, really hurt and sad and c. I think it only served to push her more into her weird new self and away from me and her old self.

I guarantee you that you will see flashes of the old sister again eventually, and that will be encouraging and comforting to you. Over time a combination of getting to know the new sister and seeing enough flashes of the old sister coming back well help you to rebuild your relationship. It will probably never be like it was -- which, by the way, is certainly worth grieving -- but it won't always be as horrible as it is now. Good Luck, I understand how hard it is.
posted by RingerChopChop at 12:08 PM on December 2, 2008

I don't think anyone has mentioned it so far, but could the fiance be abusive? A couple people mentioned that your not liking him could cause this behavior in her--and this could be--but these behavior and personality changes could be caused by her being in a controlling, and/or abusive relationship.

In my experience, not wanting to see family and friends could be a sign that the boyfriend is forbidding it or manipulating her to believe she doesn't want to be close. Same with career aspirations or in any way being out of his control. What are the deranged and dangerous aspects of this guy's behavior?

I think some of the suggestions above may help you to learn more--asking her if she's ok, etc--but she may not tell you.

Good luck. I hope it's not the case.
posted by Pax at 12:33 PM on December 2, 2008 [3 favorites]

Does she drink? Do you? Take her out, just the two of you, share a bottle of wine, try to get relaxed and feeling close. Spend some time just listening. Tell her you miss her.

Try not to 'mourn' her too much...she isn't dead...I think it's likely that you'll be able to connect again, somehow.
posted by toomuchkatherine at 12:37 PM on December 2, 2008

She is totally depressed.Poor kid. Too bad she believed that she could not be a doctor and a mother. Please suggest therapy (chemical and psychological) to her.
posted by sandra194 at 1:16 PM on December 2, 2008

So I'm mourning the sister I had. And I don't know how to do that now that there is a pod person I have to deal with who pretends she is my sister. I don't recognize this new person. I don't like this new person.

I don't have an answer for you but I fully sympathize and have gone through this, too. I'm very sorry.
posted by small_ruminant at 1:20 PM on December 2, 2008

If I was your sister, and I got any inkling whatsoever that you were "mourning" me because I no longer was living up to your expectations in some way, I'd be pretty damn cold, and probably not bother visiting you at all.

If your sister is in a bad way, depressed or in a crummy relationship, you have a much better chance of salvaging your relationship if you make an effort to be caring and supportive instead of mournful. I know it's sometimes sad when people change, but I don't see anything in your post that's shows you've made an effort to figure out what's up with her. Instead you're upset she's not the way you want her to be. Your family structure has fallen apart, and instead of trying to build bridges with what you've got left, you're going to condescend to say this person is just "acting" like your sister. Did you have expectations that when everyone else was doing their thing, she was going to stay the same forever just to give you some sense of comfort and stability? Is it really her fault she can't do that for you in the way you want?

I really am feeling sympathetic toward how unsettling it can be when qualities we appreciated in a person seem to have receded from view. What I'm not at all sympathetic toward is the very self-centered idea that if things she does make you unhappy, she is dead to you. That's pretty shabby, IMO.
posted by oneirodynia at 1:24 PM on December 2, 2008 [1 favorite]

You said that one brother has mental health issues. Of what sort? Any chance that she might be having them as well? I'm thinking things like schizophrenia, which give a flat affect. Or maybe she's just depressed?

Have you considered that you might be giving off distant vibes to her, she's unhappy and unsure as to what the boundaries are in her new relationship with you?

Either way, have to agree with oneirodynia - this sounds pretty petty on your part. If you mean "how can I wrap my head around how much people you thought you knew can change"... well... you just accept that you know them, deep down, for who they have shown themselves to be over time and accept that they might just be trying on a new way of being for a while. She's your sister, fer chrissakes. You honestly believe she's died and is no more on the basis of a few months (out of a few years) of less animated than usual behaviour and
a change in what she wants to do for a career?

C'mon now.
posted by Grrlscout at 1:46 PM on December 2, 2008 [1 favorite]

People change, people disappoint, people make bad choices, and people suffer from depressive illness. To act as if a person has died or become a 'pod person' when she does one, some, or all of these things is frankly hysterical. You describe in detail how you obsessively over-analyze trivial incidents and minor nuances of meaning, and expect us to take this as evidence of something other than your own tendency to over-reaction. You describe a family dealing with divorce and mental illness, but are still shocked that your sister looks for someone unlike that family to make her life with. You are incredulous that your sister feels that motherhood and an incredibly demanding job might be difficult to juggle.

Your sister was not a 'magic' person once, and she is not dead now. She is a normal human being who may be depressed and may have made some bad choices in terms of her career and her romantic life. You should talk to her about her seeming unhappiness when she visits you, but please try to calm down and take a more dispassionate and rational view of the situation first.
posted by ShameSpiral at 1:52 PM on December 2, 2008 [2 favorites]

I'd suggest posting this question after you spend a weekend with her (oops! Too late).

Definately reconsider it after spending the weekend with her, you might be jumping the gun a little, or at least, it'll give you more info with which to work with.
posted by Elysum at 2:37 PM on December 2, 2008

This sounds like there could be some emotional abuse going on there with the fiance.

You need to support your sister and act normal. You need to just BE A SISTER. Don't shut her out. Don't take it personally. It's not about you. I don't say that to be unkind. But something is going on that is preventing her from being her normal self.

Please, I entreat you, look at being the best sister you can be and put your own disappointment or let down about what she's not doing for you aside, and be there for her. It could be the most important thing you ever, ever do.
posted by micawber at 3:22 PM on December 2, 2008

She knows you don't like her fiance even if you've never come out and explicitly said, "Dude, I hate your fiance." It is very hard to have one person (or group) you love dislike another person you love, and it's definitely wearing. My younger sister hated my ex; hated him so strongly that for a while I began to consider that she hated him more than she loved me.

That relationship ended earlier in the year, but things are definitely still strained between us. I imagine that she could write a post that sounds just like yours. She thought I was a different person too and said some things that I can't forgive right now.

He's probably a douchebag, and maybe he's abusive, but withdrawing from her emotionally is not going to help that. It's only going to hurt the both of you. Just talk to her like nothing's going on. Pretend if you have to. Fake it for a while, see what happens.
posted by crankylex at 4:59 PM on December 2, 2008

follow-up from the OP

- The fiance has shown all the signs of being a potential abuser. That is one thing that the family is very worried about and has very explicitly told my sister. At a family function we were talking about family communication as a group, and I suggested that maybe we should all just be more honest with each other. Her response was that she agreed unless we were going to be honest with her about not liking her boyfriend, in which case she didn't want to hear it. As it was my only opportunity to specifically address my concerns, I told her that his behavior during their previous break-up scared me on behalf of her. He stalked her. He gained entry to her apartment. He had someone harass her by phone (several calls a night, in the middle of the night). He threatened to kill himself, and reminded her about his access to a gun. Those behaviors bother me, and for damn good reason. But more than that, I am bothered by the fact that she would have started the relationship up again after such seriously dangerous behavior. And I'm bothered that now, she is excitedly planning a wedding to him. Perhaps I need to begin to view her as an abused person to truly understand why she is doing these things that seem so foreign to me.

- Additional information about the fiance and the sister includes the fact that three months into their relationship, he told her he wouldn't want their children staying at my house because I'm gay. Okay. So he's a tard. And so that pissed me off. But what the hell happened to my little sister that she would keep dating someone who would say something that divisive, insulting, uneducated and hurtful!? We were thick as thieves!

- But fair enough about what everyone has said about the fact that maybe she's trying to avoid our dysfunctional family. That seems pretty obvious.

- As for the upcoming weekend, he'll be there with his family. So I wont get any alone time with her to really talk.

posted by jessamyn at 9:00 AM on December 3, 2008

Perhaps I need to begin to view her as an abused person to truly understand why she is doing these things that seem so foreign to me.

Please do this. It's a very complicated spot for both an abused person and their loved ones to be in. She will likely not listen, and it will not work for you or other family members to try to convince her to leave, especially if you are angry with her for being with him. I know it is very difficult to be shunned by her, but it is very important for you to try to let her know that she can come to you when and if she finally is able or willing.
posted by Pax at 11:19 AM on December 3, 2008

I understand completely why you would be concerned about her fiance. I just want to say that her behavior is pretty standard for someone who feels that her family does not accept her decisions and doesn't love the person she loves.

That doesn't mean you're wrong to be concerned about her fiance. It just feels to me like he's the central issue here, and it's going to be messy to deal with that without alienating her further. There have been a handful of AskMeFi questions about this specifically in the past, so I hope those can be helpful to you.

Good luck. :\
posted by Nattie at 11:57 PM on December 3, 2008