How to tell a boyfriend I've been faking it?

December 2, 2008 10:58 AM

NSFW: question about faking orgasms, relationships, and how to fix everything.

Before we get started, I've already read this previous question on pretty much the same topic. But this gets a little more complicated.

The poster in that question was asking how to tell her boyfriend of three months that she's been faking orgasms her entire life and the general response was "you should be honest with him, and hey, at least you didn't wait for three YEARS into the relationship!" Well, what if, like me, you HAVE waited for three years?

My situation is similar to the first poster's: I've never orgasmed with a partner except once with the help of a vibrator. I can masturbate on my own (on my stomach, using pressure with my hands rather than any penetration). I'm in my late 20's. The current relationship started as a not-serious fling, so I faked along. Things got serious; I'm expecting a proposal within the next month or two. I want to tell him - I know I need to tell him. But how? After three years?

Second part: I want to fix this, and I think it's more a mental issue than anything. Do I start by telling my OB/GYN? What will she look for? If I need to go into therapy, do I go to a sex therapist or any therapist? How do I find a sex therapist? (This is in Chicago, if it matters).

posted by Heidelberg to human relations (23 comments total)

How about not telling him that you've been faking (that would be kinda a bummer to hear)

Instead...tell him that you don't know whats up but all of the sudden, blammo, out of the blue, no orgasms during sex. Tell him you want to get to the bottom of it toot-sweet. Ask him to help you figure out how to restart your orgasmatron generator. And then do all the prudent things (doctor, OB/GYN, sex therapist, etc) that you would do anyway.
posted by ian1977 at 11:10 AM on December 2, 2008 [10 favorites]

I want to tell him, I need to tell him

Why? What is this honesty intended to do? Make him feel better or make you feel better?
Admitting you have been faking certainly won't help him feel any better. Make sure you are not just trying to unburden yourself from the guilt you feel. That's not a great reason for telling him.

I agree with ian1977. The last 3 years are past. Let your boyfriend know you have a problem now and go about fixing it.
posted by pixlboi at 11:18 AM on December 2, 2008

I kinda like Ian's suggestion....also while you are in bed with him why dont you ask him to do what you do to get yourself off..(you know on your stomach..and what not?)
posted by The1andonly at 11:20 AM on December 2, 2008

1) This is incredibly common for women - the whole "not being able to get off unless you're on your stomach, pressure a certain way, or a vibrator, etc. etc." It may not necessarily be mental, other than it's just what you're used to, but then again I don't know you. Also, in my experience it's rather rare for women to be able to orgasm from penetration alone. It doesn't sound to me like you're abnormal or unhealthy or anything.

2) I don't think it's healthy to compound a lie with more lies. On the other hand, you don't need to frame this as, "I've been faking it for three years and it's your fault" either. Just be honest with him - you have problems orgasming. You were ashamed of it (or whatever you're feeling) so you've tried to hide it. You want to be totally honest with him now. Let him work through his feelings, too.
posted by muddgirl at 11:30 AM on December 2, 2008 [1 favorite]

I think ian1977 has a great idea. Yes, it would be "better" to be totally honest but, as a guy in a loving relationship, I would be pretty devastated to find out that I hadn't given my girlfriend an orgasm in three years even though I thought things had been fine all along. And especially if it wasn't necessarily my fault. Just tell him it's been happening for a few weeks and then look into it.
posted by prozach1576 at 11:37 AM on December 2, 2008 [1 favorite]

Erm...I think lying so that you can cover up the fact that you've been lying, in an effort to stem the after affects of lying seems like a problem.

Seems like the only thing you can do is tell him compassionately, tell him it's not his fault, that it's a longstanding problem with you and that you want to work on it and see what you can do about it, and apologize for lying to him.
posted by sully75 at 11:50 AM on December 2, 2008

To clarify: as muddgirl said, I don't want to compound a lie with a lie. My SO and I are most likely going to be engaged soon, and I'm not comfortable with him not knowing the whole truth about my sex life (in this regard, at least) if we're going to be married. I also would NEVER suggest to him that it's "his fault" in any way, shape, or form. Because it's not at all, and I know that. I'm looking for ways to broach the subject with him, especially since I'm not good at confrontation.

Another thing is that I don't want to slip back into the faking - I told a boyfriend about this once before, and yet still (stupidly) faked things. I'm afraid if I say something to the effect of "it just started happening," it'll give me an easy out (as in, "oh, hey, I'm okay again!").
posted by Heidelberg at 11:55 AM on December 2, 2008

Hands..meet clitoris. There's no need to avoid touching yourself just because you're having sex.

As muddgirl stated, most women either can't or have a hard time having an orgasm with penetration alone.

Now, if you need more foreplay or whatever to get in the mood, just tell him. It might be slightly unpleasant, but it'll be fine unless he's an immature ass. I had to tell my SO a few years ago that the frequency of our..relations..was not satisfactory to me. She was slightly offended at first, but came to realize I was just telling her how things were and appreciated it.

That was after we'd been together for 7 years.

Talking to people isn't really nearly as bad as anybody thinks it is. I'd completely forgotten about the mild unpleasantness involved in that conversation until I just now thought of it. And if it goes very poorly, you've just learned that your relationship isn't what you thought it is.

And if the manual stimulation during sex is enough for you, you can completely avoid it!
posted by wierdo at 11:55 AM on December 2, 2008 [1 favorite]

I absolutely, positively, definitely, without question would not follow ian1977's advice. If he thinks he's been bringing you to orgasm for the past three years, he's going to keep trying to do the same things that haven't been bringing you to orgasm for the last three years, and they still won't bring you to orgasm.

Also: you'd just be exchanging one lie for another, which isn't going to help your state of mind much.

Also: if he's going to pop the question, do you really want to spend the rest of your life having sex with someone you aren't comfortable talking about sex with? You guys need to be able to talk about this, or your sex life is going to wither and die after a few years. (This would be true even without the situation you're asking about: your desires will change over time, so will his; if you can talk about it openly you'll be able to change together rather than drift apart.)

There's nothing at all wrong with (or unusual about) needing a vibrator or a particular position, or fingers instead of penetration, or any of a long list of other requirements or kinks. There's also no rule that says you both have to come every time you have sex -- there's something to be said for taking turns, if that turns out to be what works best for you. (And if he's not willing for some of the sex to be focused on your needs instead of his own, he's not worth marrying, IMHO.)

Start with "this isn't working for me. I'd like to try something else. Here, let me show you." Try doing what you know works on your own, and together figure out ways that he can be involved (use his fingers instead of yours, for example.)
posted by ook at 12:08 PM on December 2, 2008 [1 favorite]

Could you maybe try some kind of semi-lie? As in, telling him that you enjoy sex with him but your orgasms when you masturbate are different (not necessarily *better*, just different in a good way), and you'd like to experiment to get that feeling during sex?
posted by MadamM at 12:19 PM on December 2, 2008 [1 favorite]

Add another voice to the "don't compound a lie with another lie" chorus.

It sounds like you're crazy in love with this gentleman (and hooray for that). If that's the case, then you owe him the truth. Lovingly explain that you don't believe that this is anything that he's doing wrong, and tell him how much you actually do enjoy having sex with him (presuming that you do, even minus the orgasm).

Also, it would probably be helpful to have a plan in place for how you intend to deal with this -before- you tell him. This way, the conversation can go...

1. Statement of problem ("I don't really ever orgasm except for this one way.")
2. Confession ("I love having sex with you, but what you saw as orgasms weren't really orgasms.")
3. Apology ("I'm sorry that I did this, but I didn't know how to address this and I stupidly put off telling you.")
4. Plan of action ("I've made an appointment to talk to such-and-such professional so that I can figure out how to address it").

If you don't include step 4, it presents the situation as sort of hopeless.

Before you do this, prepare yourself for the possibility that he will dump you. It's not how I would deal with it, and I wouldn't advise a friend to deal with it that way, but he may simply have too bruised an ego and feel far too deceived to trust you again. I hope it doesn't come to that, but it's a non-zero possibility.

I wish you the best of luck.
posted by DWRoelands at 12:49 PM on December 2, 2008

DWRoelands advice is great! I would add one thing, sort of expanding on my last answer - I don't think you necessarily need to present this as, "I am broken, but I will fix it." It's a good idea to talk to your OBGYN or a therapist about this (yeah, it's embarrasing), but it may not help you much more than increasing communication and accepting the fact that you don't need to have an orgasm every time you are sexually intimate.
posted by muddgirl at 1:22 PM on December 2, 2008

You likely don't have some weird physical or emotional condition that prevents orgasms. You need to stimulate your clit during sex. And just because your boyfriend isn't penetrating you when you masturbate to orgasm doesn't mean that penetration and orgasm are mutually exclusive. Tell your BF you'd like to try some different positions. Get on your stomach, masturbate while he takes you from behind. Also, everything ook says above.

As for telling him, well, you'll have to decide how much of a white lie you're comfortable with. The admission of "different" or "stronger" orgasms during masturbation may be a reasonable approach.
posted by desuetude at 1:46 PM on December 2, 2008

Also--when it comes to actually learning how to orgasm, quit doing it the way you've been doing it. Stop masturbating on your stomach entirely, and start playing with yourself in other ways--on your back, in the shower, etc. Teach yourself other ways to get off. It will be frustrating. You may want to invest in a small vibrator. But right now you're stuck in a years-long rut and you gotta break yourself out of it. Just relax and make it OK that you don't always orgasm when you masturbate, and you'll find other ways you're comfortable doing it.
posted by schroedinger at 2:00 PM on December 2, 2008

Schroedinger gives some good advice: If you always masturbate the same way and it is the only way you get off, you have likely conditioned your body to associate that stimuli with getting off, thus making it much more difficult to get off any other way. It would be the female equivalent of male death grip syndrome.
posted by Justinian at 2:21 PM on December 2, 2008

You don't tell us what your sex-life consists of in any detail. If you did, which i understand you may not want to, there might be some useful practical suggestions. As it is, people are guessing. For example, wierdo writes: "Hands..meet clitoris. There's no need to avoid touching yourself just because you're having sex." But no-one knows whether, when you have sex, "hands meets clitoris" takes place or not.
posted by londongeezer at 2:34 PM on December 2, 2008

I'm a guy, and while I'd be plenty disappointed if my partner told me that she's been faking all this time, I'd be a lot more disappointed if I someday found out that you were following Ian1977's advice.

There are a lot of reasons for the deception that would make sense to me -- "I was trying to make you happy" or "I have never trusted someone enough to tell them before", say -- but no reason I can think of to keep fooling me.

So I'm voting for telling him, but doing so in a way similar to what DWRoelands suggests, and leavening it with a lot of reassurance of how much you love him, how awesome sex with him is, and so on.

Second part: I want to fix this, and I think it's more a mental issue than anything.

But what is broken? Not all women get off from intercourse and/or fingering and/or oral sex. That doesn't mean you are broken -- just that you currently have only one way that makes you come, and lots of ways where sex feels good but you don't come. With time, perhaps you can expand that first category, either training your boyfriend what to do to make you come, or learning how to come from the things he is doing. But framing this as a problem that needs to be "fixed" is not right, I think.

Human sexuality is really complicated, and changes throughout our entire lives. What works for someone else might not work for you, and vice versa.
posted by Forktine at 2:34 PM on December 2, 2008

I've never orgasmed with a partner

I suggest that you actually open with this. "I've never orgasmed with a partner" and "I've been faking it with you" are completely different things for a man to hear. While the first implies the second, it also makes it clear right from the start that the problem is not with him.
posted by tomcooke at 3:34 PM on December 2, 2008

You AREN'T broken. You're statistically normal.

Now, follow the above advice.
posted by IAmBroom at 3:35 PM on December 2, 2008

I totally recommend tomcooke's advice.

And also schroedinger's. You don't mention if you've masturbated in front of your boyfriend, but it could be a fun thing to try - and instructional. As for masturbating on your own, give yourself a time-out from tummy time for a while. Get a toy, or several toys. Try anything. Try everything. Same with sex - if he thinks you're getting off, there's probably a long list of things you haven't done because hey, if the system's broke, why fix it?

Eventually, you'll figure it out. The talking to him will be difficult, the rest might just be a lot of fun.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 4:18 PM on December 2, 2008

When it comes down to it, telling him about your lack of satisfaction is about you and it will make him suffer a little bit. I am not saying that is bad, all I am saying is I would tell him the whole truth. Confession needs to be complete for it to make you feel better and, while he will feel bad for a while, if you do this following some of the excellent advice above, he won't be in the dumps for long and you will be on your way to sexual healing.
posted by Foam Pants at 7:13 PM on December 2, 2008

I'd line up your therapist or OB/GYN first, do some detective work on your own sexual preferences, and then work out some reasonable means of telling your SO with the pro's help-- maybe even in their office, as a part of your therapy.
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 10:40 PM on December 2, 2008 [1 favorite]

Step 1: STOP FAKING IT! It is not your fault, women are raised to be please-ers and you like him and want him to be happy. Those are all good things! However if you say something is good and it isn't how can he learn?
Step 2: Communicate with him. Just let him know you want to try something new. Make it fun for him to talk about, but make sure you are comfortable and honest.
Step 3: Find what does get you off. Get a vibrator (the Lelo Gigi is a great beginners vibe) and start experimenting (maybe with him). There are 2 kinds or orgasms, both of which can be difficult to achieve with simple penile/vaginal intercourse.
* Clitoral: Located externally at the top of the labia, under the clitoral hood, massage or extended time (at least 5 min) to achieve orgasm
* G-Spot: Located on the inner vaginal wall, if you were to go 2-4 inches down from your belly button it would be directly behind that. It is an area of spongy skin, located 0.25-1 in up the vagina. It can be hard for a penis to hit this spot except in certain positions like doggy-style or on your back with your knees by your ears
I hope this information helps you, and remember it is easier to have an orgasm after your first one. So it you really want to cum during sex try making masturbating to the point of orgasm part of your foreplay
posted by Ekidnagrrl17 at 12:38 PM on February 23