How do I reconcile bisexuality with male friendships?

November 23, 2008 4:47 PM

I’m struggling with how to deal with male friendships. I’m a guy. I’m also bisexual.

Two and a half months ago, I went to college on the East Coast. For the first time in my life I joined a sports team out of my own accord, which made making buddies pretty simple. A few weeks in, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to stay on, but I did; I stayed the whole season and had a pretty good time.

I became really good friends with a guy on the team I’ll call Jonas, who’s my age and also goes to college here. To be honest I’ve never had a friend like Jonas, who’s athletic and good-looking and smart, which—I know—sounds superficial.

Recently we’ve been hanging out more, which is pretty tied to drinking. When we drink, certain things tend to happen. First, we talk about girls, a topic which we seem to bond over a lot. Mostly we talk about which girls we want to sleep with. Usually there are girls present and Jonas and I tell each other who the other should go for. We trade stories, too. (I’ve hooked up with my share, but otherwise I’m not very experienced.)

Second, we get closer, often draping our arms across each other’s shoulders while sitting on a couch. Sometimes I’ll scratch his head a little bit and he doesn’t seem to mind that much. A few days ago he took my head into his lap—we were both sitting on a couch at a party—and scratched my head there, too, in front of everyone.

There’s usually something else going on. There are girls talking to us, or literally sitting on our laps. But in truth, I’ve found myself wanting to drink because this is the only way I can get close to Jonas. I think I’m falling for him, but I don’t want to be falling for him. For what it’s worth, I know he thinks I’m straight—completely straight—and if he were to ever know, I’m pretty certain I would lose him.

That’s my problem. I have little idea how to manage my attraction with a guy who I’m also friends with, who I’m also really physically affectionate with, who I am so very afraid of losing.

I'm lost. What do I do?

posted by anonymous to human relations (31 comments total)

Find non-straight guys to be friends with?
posted by desjardins at 4:57 PM on November 23, 2008 [1 favorite]

oh, and stop being physically affectionate with him. Your intent is different than his, and therefore it's creepy.
posted by desjardins at 4:58 PM on November 23, 2008

Dude, heterosexual guys do not scratch each other's heads. His behavior is a big tip-off that he's not exactly straight. Nor does he think you are straight.

You must go to one of those artsy-fartsy colleges Hampshire or Bennington where sexual identities are so blurred that labels like gay and straight are meaningless. Enjoy it.
posted by jayder at 5:00 PM on November 23, 2008 [14 favorites]

Second, we get closer, often draping our arms across each other’s shoulders while sitting on a couch. Sometimes I’ll scratch his head a little bit and he doesn’t seem to mind that much. A few days ago he took my head into his lap—we were both sitting on a couch at a party—and scratched my head there, too, in front of everyone.

Dude is not strictly heterosexual.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 5:03 PM on November 23, 2008

It's possible that it's a social thing - you might want to pay attention to his behavior while alone. Don't jump the gun here, it's unlikely but possible that he's bi or straight.

I think it's a good idea to eventually tell him that you're bi - not that you're desperately in love with him. If you're going to be good & lasting friends, the issue will come up eventually.
posted by tmcw at 5:20 PM on November 23, 2008 [2 favorites]

There is no way he thinks you are straight. And from what you say he seems fine with it?
posted by HFSH at 5:22 PM on November 23, 2008

You're being duplicitous, and he may be being duplicitous too. Or maybe he's just into male bonding.

But your question is "How do I reconcile bisexuality with male friendships?" and the answer is by treating your friends honestly.

I've got gay friends. They know I'm straight. They respect that. They don't abuse the boundaries of the friendship by scratching my head or putting their arms around me and pretending that's "plausibly deniable" just-what-guys-do.

Similarly, I respect my gay friends and don't pretend to be gay to "tease" them, or pretend they're not really gay.

Sexual orientation is a big concern to most everyone, as it constrains who can have what relationship with whom, and because it explains the underlying meaning of overtly "trivial" acts like touching or flirting.

If my straight male friend bumps me, it's an accident; if a straight women who is flirting with me "accidentally" bumps me, it has meaning. I can distinguish the two acts because I know the orientation and hence the probable intents of the actors. If my gay male friend bumps me, I figure it's accidental and not flirtatious, because I know we're friends and that he respects that I'm not into guys (and I know I'm not his type).

If I thought he was flirting with me, I'd have to call him on it. Not because I'm anti-gay, but because he'd be trangressing the bounds of the friendship. As it is, he and I can hang out, go to gay bars or straight bars (or even on one memorable ccasion, a lesbian bar), and have a great time. Because we're friends and we trust each other.

But your friends can't trust you because you're not being honest. You're copping feels under the guise of friendly male bonding. There's nothing wrong with being gay, but there's something very wrong with lying by omission to your friends, and then using that lie to rub yourself against them.

Join a (predominantly) gay sports team, where everyone knows the score, and no problem. There, the guys will know that excessive touching is flirting, and can either take you up on it or shoot you down. Or just tell your buddies that you're bi. Then they know what up when you rub against them, and can accept it or reject it.

That's a lot better than slobbering all over someone under false pretenses, someone you can never hope to take it further with unless you admit you've been being a sneaky creep copping feels.
posted by orthogonality at 5:38 PM on November 23, 2008 [9 favorites]

Inspector.Gadget is right- dude is not strictly heterosexual- but he may be closeted, in which case any hint of "gayness" may send him running.

While you're both tipsy, make a remark that reveals that you're bi and watch how he reacts. If the reaction is negative, you can shrug it off to being drunk. If it's positive, then go for it.
posted by qxntpqbbbqxl at 5:44 PM on November 23, 2008

Just as a data point, not all straight men are unable to be physically affectionate with other men. I don't go to a college anything like Hampshire (Jayder), but nonsexual head scratching isn't uncommon in my social circle. Admittedly, we tend to lean more towards the hippyish end of the scale, but the point here is that such people aren't just clustered in one place. (desjardin may still be right, though.)
posted by spaceman_spiff at 5:45 PM on November 23, 2008

i have never in my entire life seen a straight man put another straight man's head in his lap for affectionate scratching. if this kind of thing happens consistently, i would start wondering too.

what does this guy do with other guys? does he scratch their heads too or drape his arms around their shoulders as well? pay attention to how he interacts with other people and see if it's different than how he interacts with you.

and, as a woman, if a guy started scratching my head and putting his arm around my shoulders or put my head in his lap, i would think he was being a lot more than just friendly.

but proceed with caution, because even though he might very well be putting out some signals, some people aren't really comfortable with the difference between what they want and what they think they should want.
posted by missjenny at 6:07 PM on November 23, 2008

My two cents: physical contact is nice, and people need it. The OP's friend might not be straight, but then again he might be. Different people are comfortable with different levels of contact. Maybe the friend is Russian, or Tibetan, or Arab - in those cultures affection between men is not nearly as unusual. I think it would be unwise to guess at the friend's motivations. Sure, if he's acting according to middle-of-the-road American culture, there are conclusions we might draw, but we shouldn't assume.
posted by Cygnet at 6:09 PM on November 23, 2008

Are you positive he thinks you're completely straight? That could just be your fear trying to talk you out of taking a risk. And are you positive that he's straight? Given the way you've described his behavior, I wouldn't be so sure.

One option is to test the waters a bit, without making it about your attraction to him or coming out to him directly. Start steering the conversation around to the general subject of bisexuality and male-to-male attraction once in awhile. Point out guys who are being mildly affectionate with one another, and ask him things like "hey, do you think those two guys are flirting with each other, or just friends?" Mention a friend-of-a-friend who's dated both men and women, and gauge his reaction. That might give you enough information to know if it's a good idea to proceed or come out to him. If he's interested in you, it might even give him courage to make the first move. If he makes it clear that he's straight and would never consider being with a man, you can just back off, having obtained the info you needed without the risk of direct personal rejection.

Don't let this situation fester unresolved. He needs to be clear about your intentions; if you keep mum and continue to be physically affectionate with him under the guise of "mere" friendship, you are misleading him by omission. If your attraction to him is already as strong as you described - i.e., you think you're falling for him - then one way or another this will need to be addressed, even at the risk of losing the friendship.

Good luck, and let us know how it turns out!
posted by velvet winter at 6:10 PM on November 23, 2008 [1 favorite]

missjenny - Just as another data point, I know lots of people who assign no special significance or intent other than friendliness to putting their arm around someone's shoulders or scratching someone's head.
posted by Cygnet at 6:12 PM on November 23, 2008

You must go to one of those artsy-fartsy colleges Hampshire or Bennington where sexual identities are so blurred that labels like gay and straight are meaningless. Enjoy it.

I went to Hampshire, there weren't enough sports teams there for this question to make any sense.

I'm pretty much with orthogonality on this one. It's possible your friend may be a little not-straight, but this comes down to the same old "do I tell my friend I like them? I don't want to lose their friendship..." question. You have a few options

- mention that you're bi and see if the head scratches suddenly increase or decrease
- tell your friend you have feelings for him in some casual way and see what happens.
- quit drinking and see if that gives you a new perspective on these interactions.

It's totally okay, naturally, to have dude friends and be bi. It's a little less okay to have crushes on male friends who think you're straight. Just a little unfair/unkind, exactly as ortho puts it. Most people I know are pretty "don't care" whether someone's bisexual or not, but people do make decisions about how to behave and whatnot based on whether someone is their gender preference or not [and vice cersa] so I'd think how to come clean with that information and my guess is the crush will sort otself out one way or the other.
posted by jessamyn at 6:14 PM on November 23, 2008

Come out to him. See how he reacts. If he is your friend, he'll deal. You don't have to tell him you're specifically attracted to HIM unless you really feel that it's worth pursuing. But you shouldn't be hiding this part of yourself from someone who you consider to be a true friend, especially one that you're becoming especially close to.

Otherwise, treat the situation exactly as you would if you were attracted to a lesbian. You like this person, but this person doesn't bat for your team. Suck it up. Spend less time torturing yourself with the drunken cuddling and put your energies into guys/girls who you DO have a chance with.

I went to Hampshire, there weren't enough sports teams there for this question to make any sense.

Ditto. For the record: there's one. The Ultimate Frisbee team. And it's ambigenderous.

And even at Camp Hamp, sexual orientation does mean something, it designates which GROUP of art fags you end up sitting with in the cafeteria. Sexuality, at least one I was there, was the most political thing at Hampshire. I had friends who were all out queer activists who were shunned by another group of activists for not caring enough about starting a specifically transgender-friendly apartment on campus. It's insane. This is totally and completely off-topic, but within the queer community, labels matter a lot - no matter how much "blurring" may be perceived from the outside.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 6:26 PM on November 23, 2008 [2 favorites]

There's a lot of good advice upthread. Pay special attention to orthogonality, missjenny, and jessamyn.

I'm wondering why you're so sure you'd lose him if he knew you're bi (putting the "attracted to him" part of the equation aside). Is he from a conservative area or family, or has he said anything to indicate his viewpoint? Is it the whole sports thing? Or are you just being paranoid because you like him and don't want to lose him? If your friend hasn't given you any particular cues one way or another (and many of us are arguing that he has in the positive sense, actually), then do him the credit of not assuming.
posted by bettafish at 6:28 PM on November 23, 2008

jayder says: "Dude, heterosexual guys do not scratch each other's heads."

qxntpqbbbqxl says: "dude is not strictly heterosexual- but he may be closeted, in which case any hint of "gayness" may send him running"

Other people have addressed this, but the behavior you describe is not an indication of sexual orientation. As a straight male who has lived in cooperative situations (co-ops and honors dorms) and been part of the team sports bonding experience (five years of rugby), I can say that contact norms develop within large groups of bonded males that might easily be interpreted wrongly by someone in your situation. You are new to this experience and harbor secret hopes. He might be bi. He might also be showing you affection at the level of a family member. Unfortunately, many people in the U.S. are socialized to interpret most kinds of physical contact that occur outside of the family circle as somehow abnormal. Group living or bonding breaks down these socialization barriers and can be confusing to the uninitiated. Don't assume anything.
posted by Derive the Hamiltonian of... at 6:43 PM on November 23, 2008 [6 favorites]

Testing your probably straight friend's sexual boundaries during heavy bouts of drinking seems like a great way to wind up in fist fight with him at some point.
posted by The Straightener at 6:50 PM on November 23, 2008 [1 favorite]

Try to have > 1 friend, so if things _do_ get wonky with this one, you won't be totally isolated.
posted by amtho at 7:11 PM on November 23, 2008 [2 favorites]

If some fuck starts scratching my head he's either completely insane or way, way out of line, he's gay or bi and dishonest about it in one or more ways. Okay, maybe he's from Poland or whatever -- even then, he won't do it more than once, and he'll learn fast about American values or mores or what-have-you.

I'll scratch a dogs head. A gals head, if she tells me it's itchy and I'm dating her or whatever, though I'll reconsider whatever it is we've got going on unless her arms are broken. I'll scratch my own head. A horses head. A cats head, from time to time, though I'll sometimes end up getting clawed, because cats are fucking nuts.

I'd scratch my brothers head if someone cuts off his arms AND for some reason he can't scratch his head on a bedpost or whatever. My brothers and my buddies throw shit at each other, we'd surely throw one another into a pool, we kick each other in the ass if opportunity presents and we look for and long for that opportunity, we elbow one another, we bust each others chops all the time, it's lots of fun. We don't scratch each others heads. Jesus christ.

It takes jam to join a team and hang out with straight guys, find out what jerkoffs we are. And if you'd told them you are bi-sexual there'd almost certainly be a difference in the way your friendships evolved, if they evolved at all, not with all of them but with some of them, for sure. So it's a pretty cool social experience. Myself, I've got gay and bi friends and I don't give a rats ass but they don't break any boundaries and I don't either and they'd best be up for busting each others chops, and we don't talk about show tunes. But a lot of straight guys would cut you right out; just how it is. Life in the big city.

Tell this guy that you're bi or quit hanging out with him or both. If you tell him you're bi do so when sober. I'd recommend against telling him you're hot for him, let him make any move once it's on the table. I'd bet dollars to dimes that he's either bi or closeted and perhaps even closeted to himself and I absolutely agree with The Straightener in being against testing his sexuality when you're both drunk -- not at all a good plan.

If he's not bi or closeted then we're back to where we started -- he's insane or from Poland, possibly both. Or worst of all possible scenarios, he's reading the whole thing and he's a complete and total dick, and he's prick-teasing your ass -- nightmare.

Good luck.
posted by dancestoblue at 9:02 PM on November 23, 2008

dancestoblue - Your ideas of "insane" and "out of line" describe a majority of the people I know. They are normal people. Not everybody lives by the same extremely heteronormative rules.
posted by Cygnet at 9:48 PM on November 23, 2008

dancestoblue: I grew up in Illinois, with parents who also grew up in the Midwest. I'm not insane, as far as I know. (Nor do most people read me as "weirdo", I think.) I'm also pretty clear on the "I'm straight" thing. But that's totally something I have done with friends of mine, of all genders and orientations, with no implied sexual interest. You and others are coming from a pretty homophobic place; it's possible that anonymous would get a similar reaction if he mentioned all of this to Jonas, since attitudes like yours aren't uncommon, but it's not out of the question that Jonas is a chill dude who wouldn't have an issue with it - even if he's straight.
posted by spaceman_spiff at 9:48 PM on November 23, 2008 [1 favorite]

First, I'd agree with the people saying to stop the physical contact because both of you may be doing it for different reasons. It's best to be honest between friends and wrong to be taking more from a possible gesture of friendship.

Second, I've encountered many straight males who are very physical people. From guys who make regular physical contact without even thinking about it to guys who would purposely touch me as a joke/tease knowing I was gay. I've shared beds with, received back rubs from, and even wrestled straight men and they never exhibited any sexual undertones.
I can't comprehend how head scratching between two males makes them homosexual. It's simply a sign of affection. Maybe the friend sees OP as a younger brother and head scratching is a way of displaying this relationship. When my brother and I were growing up we'd regularly have back scratching sessions--he'd scratch my back and in return I'd scratch his.
I don't scratch a dog's head because I'm sexually attracted to dogs, I do it because I know it comforts him and makes him happy. There are fathers who have their sons lie down on their laps while they scratch their head. It is NOT gay.
Arm on shoulder draping ALSO not gay. Some examples: football huddles, supporting a drunk friend, taking pictures, overcrowded backseat of a car, keeping warm outdoors, talking hush-hush, talking in a loud crowded place, leading/escorting away, etc. It's a sign of friendship and non-sexual intimacy.
posted by simplethings at 10:47 PM on November 23, 2008

Not everyone grew up with the same feelings toward sexuality. In my group of friends both men and women tend to be far more liberal than others - it may also be a generational thing. People of my generation tend to be far more open than those of people ten years older, in my observation.

In my group of friends sharing warmth through physical contact is accepted, even between two men. Because of certain social taboos this tends to happen more when some sort of inhibition lubricator (alcohol...etc...) is involved, but it is not the primary determining factor.

This does not imply that someone is necessarily bisexual. As a bisexual woman I run across lots of young women who act like they are into other girls but really are not. In men this sort of sexual tendency tends to be more hidden.

Really though, at the end of the day you should just evaluate the situation like you would any other situation, with the presence of mind to understand that a more open sexuality for men is not really accepted in some parts of the US (just see some of the responses above as examples). Are you comfortable with the relationship you have today? If not, you need to talk to him regardless of what you -think- he will say or feel. Just be careful about how you approach it - subtlety will work here, and due to some US societal taboos (sadly) perhaps the suggestion of waiting until he is inebriated might work out best for you (as noted you can pass it off to a drunken stupor later).

If you are comfortable and don't -need- the relationship to change, then enjoy what you have, and don't worry about the rest.
posted by Nixie Pixel at 1:34 AM on November 24, 2008 [1 favorite]

you aren't being fair to him or to yourself. If he thinks you are straight then anything that goes on between you is based on that assumption.

So, what is the kindest, fairest way to handle it? To my mind the fairest thing would be coming out to him, reminding him that you value his friendship and can respect his boundaries (if that's true), and then carrying on with the friendship understanding no romance is in the future.
posted by agentwills at 6:51 AM on November 24, 2008

It also bears mentioning that you are all of two-and-a-half months into college. WOAH there, big fella. You've got a lot of learning to do about yourself - as others do. If Jonas is as new to the college scene as you are, he is probably still finding himself also. I'd be more cautious than usual in this situation, because I think that people will tend to react more drastically with less of a common history.
posted by greekphilosophy at 8:23 AM on November 24, 2008

I think you're over complicating this because of the bisexual element.

What should you do? The same thing you'd do if he was a she whose friendship you wanted to preserve. Steer clear of the physical affection if you're unable to separate it from desire.
posted by JFitzpatrick at 10:11 AM on November 24, 2008

Writing as a gay guy who has been in this exact same situation before (I had a crush on a straight guy back in college who didn't know I was gay, he used to get vaguely affectionate with me at parties, it drove me crazy not knowing what was going on, we never talked about it -- FWIW, he's married to a woman now): playing the guessing game is near impossible. Even in this single thread, different people are interpreting Jonas's actions differently. Unlike us, you have the advantage of actually knowing him, and if it's hard for you to figure out what he's doing, nobody here will really be able to. There are just too many unknowables.

One thing you don't address in your post: does anyone else at school know you're bisexual, or are you completely closeted about it? And if the latter, why -- is it because you haven't gotten around to telling anyone, or because you don't want to tell anyone? It would really help if you had a friend or two at school with whom you could talk about your sexuality first, instead of putting all your eggs in the basket with Jonas. You could bounce ideas off your friend(s) in an atmosphere that's less "fraught" with emotion. If you come out to Jonas and he rejects you, you still have your friend(s) to talk with about it. Having a secret can be isolating.

If there are other people at school who know, maybe you can somehow engineer having Jonas and those people cross paths, whether in the dining hall or at a party or somewhere else, and then you can try and gauge Jonas's reaction to them, either at the time or later.

Incidentally, have you seen this thread? It was more about sex than love, but it might give you some insight.

Finally, if you're at the beginning of college, you're lucky. So much lies ahead -- people you have yet to meet, experiences you have yet to have. Try to put things in perspective. There are tons of guys out there.

Good luck!
posted by Tin Man at 11:45 AM on November 24, 2008

I don't think he's 100% straight. Sounds like he's knee deep in a masculine culture: drinking, fucking, playing football. He might talk about girls because that's what expected of him, but it doesn't mean to say that that's his only choice in life. If I saw you two at a party, I'd interpret it as romantic intimacy. And I'd think it was sweet :)

Something constructive: have you tried talking to him? If you're as close as you seem to indicate, you need to be 100% open with him about your sexuality. There's no way to get around that, there's physical affection, you're obviously building that up in your head as something significant, and you're disrespecting your friend by not being honest. Talking will establish where the lines are in your friendship. And if he is closeted/bisexual, it might help him be OK with himself. He might be fine with himself and think you're the straight/closeted one. Honestly is really hard, but it is always worth it.

If you're worried about the consequences of all of that, have you got a mutual friend you can confide in? If not, you need to quit the physical affection. And for now, perhaps cut down on the drinking. You're using it to get close to someone, which is not healthy.
posted by saturnine at 11:55 AM on November 24, 2008

At an East Coast college, I found him pulling my head into his lap…

Dude, not a bad start for some slash fic. But look, first off, feel free to slow down a bit. While to me this sounds like the petit-homo antics of Victorian Cambridge, where it wasn't gay to have a frig in the baths, I can also understand that social groups establish norms of contact differently. I still miss the backrubs that my pal Eric would give me backstage during theater productions, but I never wanted to suck him off.

So what do you do? Relax, Frankie, and let it ride. He may be making his first tries of the closet door, he may just be a guy who likes getting touched and isn't particularly particular about where caresses originate, he may be totally one-hundred-percent-red-meat-straight and kinda freaked out that you even thought any of this was gay.

At least you're in college, where people do come to these realizations and do their self-exploration etc. But you've got at least four years (more if you can finagle financing), and if the vast body of modern college experience is any guide, you'll totally be getting laid soon enough. Be cool. Abide.
posted by klangklangston at 11:59 AM on November 24, 2008

Another gay man chiming in, endorsing what Tin Man said.

Also, I'm a little bit confused about what you mean specifically here: "I’m also bisexual." That can have different meanings for different people, and in different contexts.

Do you call yourself bisexual because you have been attracted to men other than Jonas? Or is he the first one? If he is the first one, you may have many other questions for yourself about your own needs, desires, and identity. That's beyond the scope of your stated question, but it's worth mentioning.

If Jonas was not the first man you have been attracted to, how has it turned out with the other men? Did you let them know? Did you have sexual contact? (Keep that mind that are many definitions for what constitutes "the act"). What have you learned from those experiences that you can bring to bear now?

A lot of the advice I would give you would vary depending on these sorts of questions, maybe others, and certainly the ones that Tin Man posed. You might want to seek face-to-face advice from a non-judgmental friend. You might also want to speak with someone at your school's counseling center.
posted by Robert Angelo at 4:10 PM on November 24, 2008