I need yer best yucks
November 20, 2008 11:35 AM Subscribe
[Joke_Filter] I need a few good jokes on hand for random lulls in conversation, or whenever someone asks me to tell a joke on the spot. NO KNOCK-KNOCK JOKES! (example inside--double points if you tell me ones that you use for the same purpose)
The subject matter of the joke is irrelevant, but I'm thinking something along the lines of:
-A mother is cleaning her son's room. She discovers a hardcore-bondage pornographic magazine under his bed. Horrified, she takes it to her husband, discussing what they should do. Father says "Well, I really don't think we can spank him."
-Guy calls his house. Maid picks up the phone. Guy says "Let me speak to my wife." Maid says "She can't, she's in the bedroom with her boyfriend." Guy goes crazy, says to the maid "OK, I want you to go into the hallway closet--there's a shotgun in there, I want you to kill them both." Maid says "OK," gets the shotgun, kills the wife & her boyfriend, comes back to the phone and says "What do I do with the bodies?" Guy says "Dump them in the pool in the backyard." Maid says "What pool?" After a momentary pause, guy says "Oh, I'm sorry is this 382-2917?"
And finally, for something less morbid (and more corny):
-Bear walks into a bar. Bartender says "What'll ya have?" Bear says "I'll have a rum....and coke." Bartender says "Why the long pause?" Bear says "THESE? (holding up paws) I've had these my WHOLE LIFE!"
I appreciate your help. I know it sounds like I just need a good joke website, but those tend to be a bit overused and corny. I'm really looking for some of your best and tested conversational jokes.
The subject matter of the joke is irrelevant, but I'm thinking something along the lines of:
-A mother is cleaning her son's room. She discovers a hardcore-bondage pornographic magazine under his bed. Horrified, she takes it to her husband, discussing what they should do. Father says "Well, I really don't think we can spank him."
-Guy calls his house. Maid picks up the phone. Guy says "Let me speak to my wife." Maid says "She can't, she's in the bedroom with her boyfriend." Guy goes crazy, says to the maid "OK, I want you to go into the hallway closet--there's a shotgun in there, I want you to kill them both." Maid says "OK," gets the shotgun, kills the wife & her boyfriend, comes back to the phone and says "What do I do with the bodies?" Guy says "Dump them in the pool in the backyard." Maid says "What pool?" After a momentary pause, guy says "Oh, I'm sorry is this 382-2917?"
And finally, for something less morbid (and more corny):
-Bear walks into a bar. Bartender says "What'll ya have?" Bear says "I'll have a rum....and coke." Bartender says "Why the long pause?" Bear says "THESE? (holding up paws) I've had these my WHOLE LIFE!"
I appreciate your help. I know it sounds like I just need a good joke website, but those tend to be a bit overused and corny. I'm really looking for some of your best and tested conversational jokes.
This post was deleted for the following reason: this question has been asked before and including your own jokes seems a little ... odd. -- jessamyn
Response by poster: You ever heard of the Fugawi Tribe? They used to roam around these plains, become separated from one another during hunts. When they thought they found their meeting place, they would ask, "Where the Fugawi?"
posted by Franklin76 at 11:45 AM on November 20, 2008
posted by Franklin76 at 11:45 AM on November 20, 2008
Q: What's the difference between this AskMe and this one from February?
A: Not much.
I'm here all week. But seriously, some of the jokes in that thread are of the hilarious variety.
posted by sjuhawk31 at 11:45 AM on November 20, 2008
A: Not much.
I'm here all week. But seriously, some of the jokes in that thread are of the hilarious variety.
posted by sjuhawk31 at 11:45 AM on November 20, 2008
How do you get an elephant out of a refrigerator? Open the door and let him out.
How do you get an elephant into a refrigerator? Open the door, let him in, and close the door.
Ok, so those are bad, sorry. How about these:
Why do they put fences around cemeteries? Cause people are dying to get in!
Now for real:
There are two goldfish in their tank, and one says to the other: "You man the gun, I'll drive."
Why do elephants paint their toenails red? So they can hide in cherry trees.
Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? (Non joke teller reponds in the negative) It works!
posted by Grither at 11:53 AM on November 20, 2008
How do you get an elephant into a refrigerator? Open the door, let him in, and close the door.
Ok, so those are bad, sorry. How about these:
Why do they put fences around cemeteries? Cause people are dying to get in!
Now for real:
There are two goldfish in their tank, and one says to the other: "You man the gun, I'll drive."
Why do elephants paint their toenails red? So they can hide in cherry trees.
Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? (Non joke teller reponds in the negative) It works!
posted by Grither at 11:53 AM on November 20, 2008
There was a study to determine the funniest joke in the world. The results on that were inconclusive, but they did find the joke that worked the best across cultures. I have used this one to good effect in a variety of circumstances. Here it is:
Two hunters are going hunting in the woods. Just as they get out of their car, one of them falls to the ground clutching his chest. In a panic, his friend calls 911 and tells the operator he thinks his friend might be dead. The operator says "Before we send a coroner instead of an ambulance, first make sure he's dead." The hunter says "Alright." There is a pause and then BLAM! "Okay," says the hunter, "now what?"
posted by jedicus at 11:54 AM on November 20, 2008
Two hunters are going hunting in the woods. Just as they get out of their car, one of them falls to the ground clutching his chest. In a panic, his friend calls 911 and tells the operator he thinks his friend might be dead. The operator says "Before we send a coroner instead of an ambulance, first make sure he's dead." The hunter says "Alright." There is a pause and then BLAM! "Okay," says the hunter, "now what?"
posted by jedicus at 11:54 AM on November 20, 2008
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posted by Balonious Assault at 11:41 AM on November 20, 2008