A friend in need...

November 13, 2008 12:50 PM

The sibling of a close friend was recently admitted to rehab for an addiction. What can I do to cheer my friend up?

He/she was very close with this sibling, so they're very much in the dumps. I can't really fathom what this must be like, but I'm hoping some MeFites may be able to. Bonus points for personal experience with similar efforts that have worked.

posted by aheckler to human relations (6 comments total)

You could point out that the problem is not that the sibling is in rehab, but that the sibling is an addict. Given that, rehab is the best place for her to be, and is a positive thing.

However, you're going to have to give your friend time. This isn't something you can jolly her out of. Revelation of addiction impacts a wide circle. Your friend may well be re-evaluating past experiences with her sibling, her perception of how well they really knew each other, and how well she knows herself in light of the revelation.

It's big shit; it takes time.
posted by DarlingBri at 1:00 PM on November 13, 2008

First thing: when I was going through a tough time, my friends just sort of hung out with me, had dinner with me, invited me along to do stuff, etc, just kept me active and didn't let me sit at home and mope. I wasn't always having the best time ever, but getting out there, getting my mind off of things, and focusing on trying to return to a normal life helped immensely. Don't let them forget that they have to take care of themselves first.

Second thing: There are a lot of support groups out there for people who are friends or family of those suffering from addictions, depression, what have you, like Al-Anon. Do you think it would be rude if you suggested one of these meetings to your friend, and offer to attend with them? If it turns out to be pointless, at least he will have someone to laugh about it afterwards. And who knows, it might be really helpful.
posted by sararah at 1:36 PM on November 13, 2008

Go with him to an Al-anon or Narc-anon meeting as the case may be.
posted by caddis at 2:01 PM on November 13, 2008

This person needs to attend at least one Al-Anon meeting, if only to find out how to avoid enabling the sibling and be around other families similar circumstances. There is no reason for this person to feel alone; Al-Anon is exactly for this, despite the name sounding as though it's for alcoholics only. Al-Anon provides support to children, spouses, wives, etc. of addicts and alcoholics. I attended meetings when I was 14.

If that is out of the question or makes your friend uncomfortable, just understanding addiction goes a long way. I come from a family full of addicts and alcoholics on both sides, had a spouse I lost to addiction, and have had problems with eating disorders, which is yet another addiction. Unfortunately, I have a lot of experience in this area.

Rehab is excellent. If the friend's sibling went on his/her own, WONDERFUL. Know that if someone is forced into a rehab facility, recovery may not "stick." Unfortunately, depending on the substance, relapse is almost certain, and often a necessary part of the process.

Encourage your friend to realize all of the following:

1. Nothing your friend did caused this. The sibling is getting help; professionals know what to do.

2. Nothing your friend can do now will change this, nor stop it from happening again in the future. However, refusing to enable the sibling and slowly re-developing trust are important. The sibling will need to win back trust with baby steps.

3. The friend must protect him/herself financially and emotionally from the addiction. Offering a place to live, money or a job may come back to haunt your friend, although it may be the friend's impulse to offer upon the sibling's release. A sober living facility is far safer and gives your friend's sibling more time to acclimate to the sober lifestyle, which can be jarring for lots of people.

4. A visit to the rehab on family day, while painful and awkward, will help your friend understand better what is going on. They may have a chance as a family to confront the sibling or each other, discuss issues, all with the help of counselors and other former addicts. This is a good thing.

5. Your friend could probably use a therapist, if this is something totally unheard of and unexpected. Since most of the pertinent details are left out, and I assume all people would benefit from good therapy during times of stress, I'll leave it at that.

If you'd like to know stuff in detail, feel free to MeMail me. My father worked as a counselor in a teen rehab facility and now works with patients in prison; I've seen friends and family in various types of rehab (from medical detox to outpatient), and I have a lot of experience dealing with everything from blackout alcoholics to people with meth psychosis to being robbed to pay for drugs.

It's scary stuff. It'll make you jaded if you let it. Unfortunately, you don't just STOP being an addict. You're an addict for life. All you can do is learn to control your behavior in stressful, scary situations so that it doesn't result in using or self-harm.

Check out Intervention if you'd like to see other families in similar situations.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 3:45 PM on November 13, 2008 [1 favorite]

My God!

I nearly posted this exact same question.

In fact, I had to check your profile to check if it was likely that you were talking about my friend.

I've been trying to help in small but practical ways. Let her know I'm here for her, and things like giving her a lift to see her family, finding websites that give help to addicts and their families. I'm lucky with the last, as I work with not for profits, and have a directory that I just made of them sitting in front of me. (they're australian, otherwise I'd post them here, but there will be similar resources where you are too).

Good luck.
posted by jonathanstrange at 7:15 PM on November 13, 2008

nthing everyone who says that your best way of helping is to help the friend understand addiction better. In some ways, this probably means educating yourself first or engaging the friend in learning about it with them. It's a tough subject, but it's a worthwhile journey.

Look at it this way: If your friend's sibling had been diagnosed with a form of cancer that most people didn't understand very well, your best bet would be to help that friend get the facts so that coping would be easier. Also, understand that there is a lot of grief associated with this discovery that someone is an addict. Did they ever know the person at all? Will they ever be close again or is this a permanent rift? Hearing from other addicts will probably help your friend understand these things and come to a much better place.
posted by greekphilosophy at 9:53 AM on November 14, 2008