I'm currently in the middle of a feud with my parents and I need some advice and some perspective on the situation.

November 12, 2008 1:48 PM

I'm currently in the middle of a feud with my parents and I need some advice and some perspective on the situation. Details inside (apologies for the length).

Here's the story:

Back in June, my wife and I were living in Sydney, but not enjoying it very much. We thought about packing our bags and going back to the Gold Coast, but we didn't have anything to go back to. However, through discussions with my parents, we found out that they'd put us up if we wanted to come back, and that my Dad would give me some casual work at his company to tide me over. This was really helpful and I really appreciated the offer from my parents, which was very generous.

So, we took the plunge and moved back to the Gold Coast and in with my parents. I took the work with Dad, but we were lucky to pretty quickly get back on our feet, with my wife finding a full-time job and with me finding some teaching work at my old place of employment. Since the teaching was casual, I kept on working for Dad and fit the teaching work around the Dad work, doing both. We also decided to stay with Mum & Dad for a few more months to try and pay off some debt, which they said they were okay with (but maybe not... see below).

Anyway, this went along okay for a while, and then Mum & Dad decided to move house. In the meantime, my sister (M; 22 years old and working full-time but having trouble with her boyfriend) had moved back home and my other sister (K; 21 years old, still studying) had always been there, so their were six of us in the house ready to move (I'm the oldest son, with two younger sisters and a younger brother out of home). Mum & Dad had found a nice big house with six bedroom/studies further up the coast and started planning the move.

This is where the feud begins. We had a look at the house and found that it had 3 bedrooms upstairs, as well as a study-type room and a master bedroom. One of the bedrooms (apart from the master) had an ensuite, with the other two sharing a communal bathroom (with two doors). The house also had a smaller bedroom downstairs near the front door intended as a guest room, and also a single bathroom downstairs. After some consideration, Mum & Dad decided to put my two sisters in two of the bedrooms upstairs (M in one of the rooms with the communal bathroom, K in the room with the ensuite), and put myself and my wife in the small guest room downstairs, rather than the much larger bedroom upstairs. When my wife and I pointed out that the two of us would struggle to fit in such a small room, especially with our king size bed (we'd have to have had our bedside tables in the dining room!), they consulted some more, but ultimately decided that we should still have the room downstairs, because M didn't want to share her bathroom and because K thought we'd be too noisy in the room next to hers.

It should be noted that this decision was made literally at the last minute. My parents were moving out of the old house on a Saturday and (after our initial objection) we were told Friday morning that we were still going to be given the room downstairs. When we decided that this meant we didn't want to move, this led to us being left behind in the original house as the rest of the family moved out around us. We had NO time to organise anything else and eventually moved in with my father-in-law for a week before we could organise a rental property.

Since the move, I've spoken to my parents, but they can't really see my point-of-view. I'm feeling really hurt by the decision because it feels like they put my sisters silly whims (noise and a bathroom) above my ability to actually live in the house successfully. I wasn't asking them to move my sisters around at all, just suggesting that the room downstairs was too small and would it be possible to have the extra (available) bedroom upstairs. I've said this to them, but they just keep on saying that "this is the decision we made" and I get the impression that they think I'm being ungrateful for not taking whatever was offered, rather than seeing that the problem is in the equality of treatment between myself and my other siblings. My mum has preached to all of us kids about "treating you all equally" ever since I can remember, but I don't feel like the decision they made was very equitable at all. On the other hand, they seem to think that my circumstances (older, married, staying for a shorter period of time) gave them the right to offer us the smaller room, regardless of whether it was equitable.

Because of the move, and also because my parents seem unwilling to see my point-of-view, I've now decided not to go visit them at the new house. This has caused some tension, but I don't really feel like celebrating with them in the six-bedroom mansion that was too small for me to live in.

Am I being petty here, and should I just suck it up? I keep on telling myself that it's not about the rooms. If there had only been one room available, I would have gladly taken it. It's really about the fact that these silly whims of my sisters were given such precedence over what I needed. It would have been nigh-on-impossible for my wife and I to live comfortably in that room downstairs, but would it have been so bad for my sisters to share a bathroom and put up with a little extra noise if my wife and I had taken the extra room upstairs? If my parents truly believed that I was only going to stay for a short time, then why not give me the middle upstairs room and tell my sisters to "suck it up"? Instead, I feel like I was told to "love it or lump it", and now that I've chosen to lump it and gotten frustrated with them as a result, they think I'm the one being self-centred.

So, what do I do? I don't really want to be in a feud with my parents forever, but I'm also not willing to capitulate entirely to their suggestion that I just "get over it". I feel like they've done me wrong and I would like to hear them say that before I can move on. Am I dreaming? Is it unreasonable? What do you all think?

Thanks all!

posted by ranglin to human relations (58 comments total)

Well, at least you're identifying the issue accurately... I think this really is about you and (perhaps a long standing?) feeling of resentment that your parents prioritize your sisters' interests (or "whims", whatever) over yours. Because as a married man, I can see how they're not going to want you and your wife shacking up in an adjacent bedroom to their daughters. They're perhaps trying to give you some privacy, and/or protect theirs and your sisters'. You're right, they were being incredibly generous letting you stay with them and they were again when they agreed to house you after their move. I'm sorry to be harsh but you're totally going to have to suck it up. It's their choice completely who stays where and you owe it to them to graciously accept what they're offering. Refusing to visit them, after the generosity they've shown you, is really... uh... not good. The issues arising from sibling dynamics in childhood are longstanding, well into adulthood, but I think you should try to express more maturity in your dealings with your parents and family.
posted by smallstatic at 1:59 PM on November 12, 2008 [3 favorites]

It sounds like your sisters are there for the long haul more than you two are. Think of the small room as extra motivation to make these extra few months there as productive as possible. It'd be nice if all of this was explained out in the open such that everybody was on the same page, but I'm pretty sure that only happens in the occasional TV family.
posted by rhizome at 2:00 PM on November 12, 2008

Long story, short answer: Suck it up. You're a guest in their house, they get to choose where you sleep. Either they put your comfort above your sisters or your sisters above yours. Someone's going to get the worst bedroom regardless of what happens. You sound like the oldest and most transient one, so I think I'd've probably done the same thing to you if I were in their spot. If you are going to get in a feud with your parents over them finding you a job and giving you a place to live, I think you should look at your priorities in life.
posted by saeculorum at 2:03 PM on November 12, 2008 [7 favorites]

Are you paying for the house? Or paying rent?
If not, you don't get to chose where in the new house you stay. Their house, their rules - you chose to move in with them, willingly moving away from Sydney just because you didn't like it (rather than, say, being unemployed/broke/etc). Frankly you're lucky that your parents decided to move into such a big house, rather than downsizing now that most of their kids were old enough to move out.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 2:03 PM on November 12, 2008

Are you serious? Unless you are paying part of their mortgage, you have no say in what bedroom you and your wife have so generously been offered.
I feel like they've done me wrong
Because they offered you employment and a place to live that isn't entirely equal? Seriously? I think it might be a good idea to re-read your question, in its entirety, and have a little bit of a think on it.
posted by meerkatty at 2:09 PM on November 12, 2008 [7 favorites]

Am I being petty here, and should I just suck it up? Yes, and yes.
posted by JimN2TAW at 2:10 PM on November 12, 2008 [7 favorites]

This is your problem and not your parents. They are doing you a tremendous favor, and you are being a choosy beggar. Lord. I would be ashamed. Apologize, and start working in earnest to get your own place. With your wife.
posted by kimdog at 2:14 PM on November 12, 2008 [2 favorites]

I think smallstatic hits it right on the nose -- I see it as a privacy issue and would be thrilled to have a bedroom as far away from my sisters and parents as possible.

So, try to look at it like this -- it's their house, they must have their reasons, and you should try to focus on all that they've done for you.
posted by amarynth at 2:19 PM on November 12, 2008

You are too old and too married to be even considering living with your parents, period.
posted by sageleaf at 2:21 PM on November 12, 2008 [12 favorites]

so after allowing you to move in with them originally, providing you with employment, and then finding a bigger house to accommodate all their kids—including you (and your wife)—you actually resent your parents for providing you with a room in the new house, feel that they've done you wrong, and now want to punish them by refusing to visit them in their new home? because you didn't get your way? in their house? seriously?
posted by violetk at 2:28 PM on November 12, 2008 [3 favorites]

I think you need to recognize that while your parents are willing to put you AND YOUR WIFE up, they only want to do it for as long as is absolutely necessary and want to you two some motivation to get your own place as soon as you are able to. In other words they don't want you getting too comfortable....

Your sisters are staying in the house and aren't married. They have no problem therefore letting them settle into the rooms of their choice. Who knows maybe they have their own plans for that extra room and don't want to wait until you both move out to execute those plans.

You also seem really hung up on fairness, but what you fail to recognize is that you are actually getting more than your sisters. You are getting to stay in their house with a guest. Your sisters don't each have a live in guest.

Long story short, start looking for a new place as soon as you can, the parents have been very generous, but now want their house back.
posted by whoaali at 2:29 PM on November 12, 2008 [2 favorites]

If your sisters are likely to be there for longer, they should get settled in more comfortable rooms. If you and your wife had received a larger room and then moved out in six weeks, the sister staying in the downstairs bedroom would have to move all their stuff again.

Suck it up. Your parents are being beyond nice... they have no duty of care for able-bodied, employed, adult children and are making decisions for themselves, not for you. Remember they aren't just "parents," they are people too with their own wishes and autonomy. Also, maybe they put you in an uncomfortable room to 'encourage' you to move out.

It's nice that they tolerate their children living with them but from my perspective you are not entitled to anything and "first pick" is a luxury.
posted by cranberrymonger at 2:34 PM on November 12, 2008 [2 favorites]

Don't let the mefites shame you over living with your parents, even while married. It sounds like the situation wasn't handled out in the open, and I'd wager there are some unstated motivations for your parents decision. But since it's their house, it's their decision, of course.

I'd recommend that you ask to speak to your parents, thank them for their hospitality, explain why you were hurt by their decision. Then let it go. I think it's great to have family together, but it's inevitable that the power-structure will rub some family members the wrong way from time to time.
posted by bluejayk at 2:37 PM on November 12, 2008

There seems to be a few common misconceptions here that I'd like to try and clear up.

1. We DID pay rent but DO NOT live there anymore.

2. The small room (which Ranglin's parents TOLD us was too small) was not the only spare room. There was another room twice the size that remains empty because of his sisters (it was initially used as a spare room, but when an Aunt came to stay for a few days both sisters complained so his parents moved it to the downstairs room).

3. His eldest sister M, moved out with her boyfriend and after we moved back home, returned with boyfriend in tow. We were not the only couple living there.

4. We have spoken to them about this, explained why we feel hurt and angry, and they don't care. We don't want to be in a feud but they refuse to deal with the problem.

5. Yes, his Dad did give him a job. Thanks Dad! BUT, Ranglin has a PhD in IT and an MBA and does work for the company far above his pay scale (which is measly) because it helps his Dad.

- Ranglin's Missus
posted by ranglin at 2:48 PM on November 12, 2008

It would have been nice of your sisters to be more accommodating to you, but the fact that they were not and complained of your "noise" makes me wonder whether you have been good and accommodating to them during your unexpected stay with your parents. In particular, if the extra noise has anything to do with sexual congress between you and your wife, I can totally understand them being grossed out and not wanting to have rooms right next to you. You all deserve that privacy. I would not be surprised if the decision to have you downstairs revolved entirely around this consideration. Your sisters can inhabit the upstairs rooms because they don't face this issue. Is it possible that this is the real issue here and can you understand that listening to that could be kind of creepy for your sisters?

Your parents were kind to find you work when you were down on your luck and it would have been nice if you all could have made the new house work, but it just didn't. Let your parents know that you are sorry if you caused them any trouble but you really just could not have fit your possessions into the room they were offering, but that you still really appreciated their help in getting you and your wife back on their feet. This way you are letting them know that you just couldn't make the room work for you, but that you still love them and appreciate their past help. And for god's sake, go visit them at the new house and don't be the grown up, 29 year old that you are. Good luck!
posted by onlyconnect at 2:51 PM on November 12, 2008

Maybe the sisters are getting the better end of it but you're ALL getting a pretty sweet deal here. (Many people would not let their children move back home.)
posted by cranberrymonger at 3:00 PM on November 12, 2008 [2 favorites]

4. We have spoken to them about this, explained why we feel hurt and angry, and they don't care. We don't want to be in a feud but they refuse to deal with the problem.

They don't want to deal with it because it's your problem, not theirs. Their house, their rules.

There is probably some reason that they really don't want to tell you or hurt your feelings with. Maybe they don't want you living with them anymore and don't want you to be too comfortable in a bigger room, and just don't have the heart to tell you.

With Ranglin's PhD in IT and MBA, you should be able to afford your own place and make peace with the family. It's really not worth fighting over.
posted by NoraCharles at 3:02 PM on November 12, 2008 [1 favorite]

I feel like they've done me wrong and I would like to hear them say that before I can move on. Am I dreaming? Is it unreasonable? What do you all think?

I think you are both dreaming and unreasonable, and I think it's unwise to let your relationship with your parents falter over something as petty as this. You "keep telling yourself" it's not about the rooms- well, yes, when it comes down to it, it is about rooms. You are ruining your family relationship over rooms in a house- a house that doesn't belong to you! It's not worth it! Put all of your expectations and wishes out of your mind, tell your parents you're sorry for making such a big deal over this, and see if you can't go about repairing this relationship.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 3:02 PM on November 12, 2008 [1 favorite]

don't be the grown up

I mean, be the grown up.

And I see the author's new post showing that one of the sisters lived there with her boyfriend, and that the sisters complained about the aunt making noise, too, which kills my sex noise theory. So, yes, it sounds like your sisters just did not want to be accommodating to you for whatever reason even though it wouldn't have killed them. (Are the walls especially thin or something?) Maybe your sisters are a little spoiled and have more of your parents' ears after living with them more recently for a longer period of time. Plus, you are older, and your parents may think they are treating you equally by allowing you to come back long after your schooling is over.

Finally, your parents may not realize that staying on at the job was similar to doing them a favor, and may just feel that finding you the job that allows you to make extra money when you are trying to pay off debt is helpful and was a nice thing for them to do.

It seems like your parents and your sisters could have been more accommodating to you, but chose not to be. I would try to get past this and not hold it against them, but concentrate on the nice things they did for you which you accepted from them.
posted by onlyconnect at 3:06 PM on November 12, 2008

I think your sisters both had legitimate concerns. Your youngest sister is probably afraid you'll be too noisy because she's still in school and needs that quiet, and I'd think "too noisy" is a polite code word for "I don't want to hear them have sex." Your other sister probably has similar concerns over the awkwardness that could result from sharing a connected bathroom, and negotiating who gets to use the bathroom and when is difficult between two people, let alone three. I don't blame either one of them. Your concerns were also valid, so this is a situation where somebody has to lose out -- either both your sisters who are in a more vulnerable spot (and who arguably have to live with your parents) and will have to live there for longer, or you and your wife (for which this seems to be a temporary living situation). If I was in your parents' spot I'd make the exact same decision and trust you to be more mature and respectful than your younger sisters.

Granted, they didn't go about this in the best manner, but you can't control that. You need to decide whether you let this ruin your relationship with your family before it becomes too big to fix. What exactly do you hope to get out of an apology? If your parents apologize, does that mean you'll move back in with them and to that upstairs bedroom (which I would caution against since everyone seems to be getting on each others' nerves), or is this just a matter of pride and wanting them to say you're right? If nothing actually changes, I'd suggest this is a let-it-go situation; the best-case scenario is that they apologize and nothing actually changes, while the worst-case is that this (relatively petty) issue eats away at your relationship. I think you're letting the stakes get way too high for such a low payout if you come out on top in this issue.
posted by lilac girl at 3:08 PM on November 12, 2008 [2 favorites]

We have spoken to them about this, explained why we feel hurt and angry, and they don't care. We don't want to be in a feud but they refuse to deal with the problem.

This is true. They don't care. There's a HUGE difference between "putting you up" and having you move in. They don't want you to live there, but don't want to throw you out onto the street either. All of the issues that you have with this situation is just garden variety sibling rivalry, and quite frankly, it's not attractive to hear from an adult. Suck it up, grow up, get a place, and get over it. It doesn't have to be "fair," because it's your parents house and you decided to suck off of the parental teat (rent not withstanding, that's just courtesy) - go live your own life.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 3:16 PM on November 12, 2008 [4 favorites]

All of the issues that you have with this situation is just garden variety sibling rivalry, and quite frankly, it's not attractive to hear from an adult.

Yes, that!
posted by footnote at 3:20 PM on November 12, 2008 [3 favorites]

It's not quite clear what you think would be an fair solution to the problem. You get the bigger room? Why not go get a room as big as you please in your own house?

Also, maybe the parents are deaf to your complaints because they don't want you living with them anymore. 6 adults in a house? I can barely stand that for one week of vacation at the beach with no worries beyond who's carrying the sunscreen and when does the liquor store open.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 3:29 PM on November 12, 2008 [1 favorite]

I think you have every right to be angry. At the last minute, your parents took sides and basically said "fuck you" at the last minute. Now, it's their house, they can do that, but that doesn't mean you have no cause not to be angry.

That said, what you're looking for, an apology or something similar, doesn't seem like it's going to happen. Take this as lesson learned. You know where you parents stand on this, so avoid living with them again. As for getting over it, what else can you do? Time is short, you're back on the Gold coast where you want to be and you don't need them. Speaking as someone who recently buried a close family member, yet had knock down, dragged out arguments with her over the years, go spend the holidays with them. They won't be around forever and you should try to cherish this time with you as much as you can. In the long term, this is small and petty and ya'll will probably look back on this later and laugh.

Just don't live with them again.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 3:32 PM on November 12, 2008 [4 favorites]

We don't want to be in a feud but they refuse to deal with the problem.

What problem? That you want an apology? They let you live with them. And you didn't *need* to you just *wanted* to, and they were incredibly generous and you are both being ridiculous and ungrateful and owe THEM an apology for getting into a snit over nothing.
posted by moxiedoll at 3:34 PM on November 12, 2008 [2 favorites]

You two are the only ones who are going to hold a grudge. It's a grudge, not a feud, because they're not really actively involved.

They were gracious in allowing their married, employed son and his wife live with them so you could improve your life (paying off debt). You bit the hand being offered to you. They didn't have to offer you anything and realistically, you could either accept or reject their offer.

You also claim that it all happened last minute, but stop and think of how much moving in and out they had to deal with at once; they may have been a little overwhelmed with everything going on. Give them a break for being imperfect in their graciousness.

Adults deal with this by moving on. I suggest you do the same.
posted by scabrous at 3:34 PM on November 12, 2008 [1 favorite]

Sometimes when I'm letting some petty stuff get me completely bent out of shape, even though on some level I know it is just too petty to react to that way (I guess I see a ghost of this suspicion in your question), it's because on some level I'm not really living up to my standards for myself, and my discomfort with being outside of my own good graces is making me very cranky. Maybe you aren't really the guy who feels OK about moving back in with mom and dad after marriage.

There is an implication in the downgrading of your room-comfort concerns that you aren't expected to be there for the long haul. Maybe that is pricking your heart because you feel funky about the entire scenario but have been working to put that feeling out of your mind, and the hint that your folks might also be a little ambivalent makes that more difficult. I would ask yourself what steps you can take to return to the perspective of a confident adult and leave these kinds of questions in the dust.
posted by Your Time Machine Sucks at 3:43 PM on November 12, 2008 [4 favorites]

I'm siding with your parents. Married folk living at home with their parents while they pay off debts don't get to pick and choose the living arrangements to their taste and comfort. It's really about you and your parents, not your sisters. Your parents have their reasons for offering you the room that they did, and they really don't have to justify their decision to you. I wouldn't blame them at all for not considering how you were going to store the contents of a home or bedroom while you crash with them - it's their home and that's not their problem. Your parents don't owe you a living, especially not as a grown man with a wife.

I say suck it up, thank them for the time they put you up, and move somewhere that suits you.

I think you should also get over sulking; I believe you're in the wrong here, so don't put the relationship into a miserable place over your own selfishness. I really don't mean to state that harshley, I just think the only reason it's a problem is because you're making it one. You'll be happier taking care of yourselves, not owing anyone anything, and visiting your parents in a friendly way like you probably used to.

Actually, thinking about it now, I think you probably owe your parents an apology for adding stress to their moving experience. Moving sucks. Imagine adding un-necessary family drama to the mix. Yeesh. Make it good. Life is really too short and they sound like nice people.
posted by lottie at 4:05 PM on November 12, 2008

Looks to me like it's ranglin's missus with some issues to resolve. Ranglin, you need to respect your parents decision and, while it's been okay to have this little foray into childish-ness -- give it up. Your "equality" is different now. You are not even close to having a leg to stand on.
posted by Dick Paris at 4:05 PM on November 12, 2008 [2 favorites]

If it's conscious or not, your parents may be angling to push you out of the nest because you're married---that's the point at which a lot of people feel like it's time to be fully moved out for good. I don't know how they feel, but I imagine that with 3 adult children living in their house, they want a couple of people to move out already.

The majority of adults pay their debts while living in a teeny apartment of their own---this is the route you need take.
posted by lacedback at 5:06 PM on November 12, 2008

Looks to me like it's ranglin's missus with some issues to resolve. Ranglin, you need to respect your parents decision and, while it's been okay to have this little foray into childish-ness -- give it up. Your "equality" is different now. You are not even close to having a leg to stand on.

I'm pretty busy this morning teaching, so when I spoke to my wife during my break, she asked me whether she could make a post helping to clarify some of the misconceptions. Personally, I think she did a good job of clarifying the things that people misinterpreted, while not getting emotionally involved, although she is also upset with the situation like I am.

Grow up, move out, apologize, and post anonymously next time.

I thought about posting anonymously, but in the end decided that we'd see what happened. So far there seems to be a mix of responses, but I'm glad I didn't post anon, because it gave me a chance to clarify. Also, we are not living at Mum & Dad's anymore. We now live in a rental of our own, and never moved to the new house (which I said in the post).

Your youngest sister is probably afraid you'll be too noisy because she's still in school and needs that quiet, and I'd think "too noisy" is a polite code word for "I don't want to hear them have sex."

This is not the case. She has her own boyfriends, if you know what I mean. The issue with K and the noise is because she got used to the quiet when she was the only one living with Mum & Dad, and now doesn't like the idea of a full house again.

Anyway, have to get back to teaching guys, but keep the answers coming. I am finding them really insightful, if sometimes a little blunt (but I could be accused of doing the same on AskMe at times)!
posted by ranglin at 5:11 PM on November 12, 2008

Your parents probably don't want to deal with you hauling your king size bed and matching night tables and all of your other possessions back down the stairs when you eventually found your own place to live.

This is a totally ridiculous reason to be feuding. You need to bake your parents a nice housewarming treat, take it over to their house, thank them for their generosity while you were getting back on your feet and apologize for acting like assholes.
posted by pluckysparrow at 6:22 PM on November 12, 2008

Ok, I'm on a lunch break and have had time to read the thread properly. I'm tempted to quote various things and comment (even more than above!), but I won't, because I don't know how productive it is. Also, I hate it when I read AskMe threads were people audit continually, and I'm already walking a fine line here, so no quotes... :)

What I will say is that I find it interesting that a lot of people suggest that my parents made the decision they did because they didn't really want us living there. I've often wondered if this is the case and it's interesting that it comes up as such a common interpretation.

All I can say is that when my wife and I found employment we made a point of approaching them and saying "We've got jobs, but do you mind if we stay until the end of the year to pay off some debt before moving on?" and they said "You're welcome to stay as long as you like". If this wasn't the case, then it would have been nice for them to be more open and honest about it, and I get the feeling that a "so, now that you're on your feet, when are you moving out?" would have worked much better than what actually happened, if indeed this was the underlying reason for the room allocation.

The other thing I wanted to say is that I understand that it's not a democracy, and that it's there house and they can do what they like, but they've always tried to involve all of us kids in their decision-making, so it seems strange to make such a 180 at this point. With this in mind, I want to point out that it really is about the equality for me. The whole "we treat all you kids equally" thing has been a mantra in my family ever since I can remember, and it has usually held up okay, so this obvious favouritism has really hurt my feelings.

Being the youngest daughter, K has always gotten a little bit better wicket than the rest of us (my Dad says, "may as well spend it on K, there are no other kids left!"), especially recently when she was the only one at home, but the situation with M really stung for me, because she was in exactely the same situation as we were! She has a degree and a full-time job and was living out of home, with her boyfriend, when she decided to move back into Mum & Dads AFTER we'd come back from Sydney. I don't see why she got different treatment than I did, and why her concerns took such a priority.


Having said all that, there's some really good advice in this thread and I'm considering it all really carefully. One of the best things about AskMe is that you get a range of opinions on an issue, and that is definitely the case with the question, so I think I'm going to take some time with my wife tonight and sit and read the answers and think them over. In the meantime, I'd love any comments you all have now that I've clarified a bit further (if you have any, of course, and aren't sick of my angst!)... :)
posted by ranglin at 6:34 PM on November 12, 2008

I can understand where you're coming from, ranglin. It sounds like a hectic, confusing fiasco to be caught in the middle of. On the one hand, they're buying this big house to accommodate everyone, which is nice of them, but oh wait, we meant accommodate everyone *but you*, so get the hell out already. They may have just truly thought you would be more comfortable downstairs (privacy-wise), and I guess didn't want to deal with the question after that, I don't know. But for as to how to deal with it now, I know it's easy to say "let it go" but that's what you have to do. You had your sulk (I love a good sulk) but you're better now, right? You're in a better place now so just make amends. All's well that ends well.
posted by amethysts at 6:50 PM on November 12, 2008

You say it "really is all about the equality" for you. But there's one room that's smaller than the other two. So how could there possibly be an equitable solution here?

Are you the oldest? Sounds like it's time you realized that all children aren't treated the same by their parents. In my family we adult kids have a running joke (well, those of us that think it's funny do): There are 4 kids and 4 slots. A will always be #1 because he's the golden child. M will always be #4 because he's the black sheep. J and I jockey back and forth between #2 and #3 depending on who's having a grandchild, getting a divorce, has got the better job, etc.

There are so many more things in life to be upset about than worrying about which sibling is the favorite. Sounds like you're not #1. (Or they just don't want you living there and didn't have the balls to tell you so.) Get over it.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 6:56 PM on November 12, 2008

Wow, the hurt feelings in your writing comes through. It doesn't seem to me that the situation deserves this level of hurt.

While it didn't appear to me that your parents were trying to push you out, it does make sense that you would get the less desirable room because you were only going to be staying for a few more months. This way there is less disruption than having one of your sisters in the small room temporarily until you move out. It just seems to make sense. Plus it would seem to be more private for you and your wife, which I thought would have been a good thing.

I'm surprised that someone your age would view this so strongly. You sound so hurt by what you perceive to be preferential treatment for your sisters. So yeah, I vote for suck it up and get over it - the situation doesn't warrant this much angst.
posted by nelvana at 7:35 PM on November 12, 2008 [1 favorite]

Here is a slightly different perspective. The reasons that your parents gave don't make sense. Therefore there has to be more to this than they were willing to say. You interpreted this as "they love your sisters better and they don't love me" (OK - you aren't that bad but that is the underlying dynamic why you are so hurt by their behavior.) Many people pointed out that (a) your parents have been very supportive overall and (b) their house, their rules.

However, I'm curious about the fact that this behavior seems to be a surprising, one-off occurance. Normally, I would expect this to be part of a pattern. Maybe a pattern of preferring your sisters. More likely a passive- agressive pattern of avoiding confrontation and saying "you are welcome to stay" when you weren't, leaving the issue of rooms to the last minute (less time to fight) and then making it very hard for you to stay while claiming that nothing is wrong, they just have to put you in the tiny room. My recommendation is to think about this in terms of your overall family dynamic. What part of this is familiar? Sibling preference? Not willing to confront? Hiding something like financial stress? Finding that theme will give you a clue to what your parents aren't willing to put into words.

Like most responders, given the portrait of your parents as helpful and loving, there is no point in creating a big issue out of this. Overall, you seem better off having them in your life than not. So if you want them to be in your life, don't make this hard on everyone by holding a grudge.
Accept the fact that they handled it badly and forgive them. Although you might want to sit down with just one parent (the one most likely to be able to be honest with you), tell him/her that the situation seemed very confusing and you are wondering if maybe there were other reasons that they didn't feel comfortable talking about at the time. Who knows, you might possibly get an honest answer to your question.
posted by metahawk at 7:52 PM on November 12, 2008 [1 favorite]

But there's one room that's smaller than the other two. So how could there possibly be an equitable solution here?

No, there are four rooms -- he was forced into the smallest, despite there being a larger one available because one of his sister's didn't want to share a bathroom and the other didn't want to share a wall.
posted by jacquilynne at 7:59 PM on November 12, 2008

So he was offered the smallest of 4 rooms instead of the smallest of 3 rooms. There's still not an equitable solution. If he got one of the bigger rooms, a sister would have the smallest one. Someone has to lose. Or find his own place to live.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 8:07 PM on November 12, 2008

ImproviseOrDie - You don't seem to understand.

There are FOUR bedrooms, but only THREE are needed. Nobody had to have the small room.
posted by ranglin at 8:13 PM on November 12, 2008

People, they're his parents, not soul-less landlords. The point isn't that it's their house and they can do what they want, the point is that for some reason, they placed one of their childrens concerns/wants/needs above another and literally at the last minute. When asked for clarification, the response was "that's our decision." If any of you were paying rent for a room and got treated like by a non family member, you'd be screaming bloody murder. So cut him some slack because it was a family member and he's understandably confused and angry.

Plus it would seem to be more private for you and your wife, which I thought would have been a good thing.

The room by the front door of the house that can barely fit their bed is more private? What?

There's still not an equitable solution.

The kids with spouses or boyfriends get the larger rooms, while the single kid gets the smaller room, that seems more fair.

Or find his own place to live.

As has been pointed out, they did get their own place and never moved to the new house. The problem is that the move was planned for Saturday, but they were told the final arrangements on Friday, leaving them to scramble a bit at the last minute. If there was more of a lead time, he probably wouldn't be so pissed.

This does, however, bring up a question for the original poster: What room did you think you were getting? Was there an implied arrangement or promise that was suddenly changed at the last minute? Did you guys ask for particular room? Did the parents suddenly decide to move on Wed or Thurs? I ask 'cause there seems to a certain stretch of time between the parents deciding to move and announcing the arrangements where there should have been a lot of discussion.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:21 PM on November 12, 2008 [1 favorite]

Did the parents suddenly decide to move on Wed or Thurs?

This is not that far from the truth, although it was more like 2 weeks then a couple of days. Basically, they were sort of thinking about moving, but weren't that serious, when all of a sudden a house came up on an island that they really liked. You've got to understand that this island only has about 20 houses on it (Cronin Island, for those that know the Gold Coast), so when they saw that the place was available, they scrambled to get it ASAP before it disappeared. Providing continuity of tenancy was one of the items they put forward to get the lease (it was hotly contested), so not a lot of time for discussion.

What room did you think you were getting?

Before we really saw the house properly, we were told we had the room downstairs and accepted it. However, once the old tenant moved out (the Wed evening before the move), we went to the house to check it out in more detail and realised that the bottom room was quite small, especially compared to the ones upstairs. It should be noted that Mum & Dad were there at the time and even said to us "yeah, not sure if this will work, we might need to sort something else out", but then decided (and told us on Friday morning) that they'd give us the bottom room anyway. I wish I could remember the room sizes to give some perspective, but I do remember that the rooms upstairs were something 1 - 1.5 metres (3 to 5 feet) bigger in each direction than the room downstairs was, so it was a significant difference!
posted by ranglin at 8:47 PM on November 12, 2008

More likely a passive- agressive pattern of avoiding confrontation and saying "you are welcome to stay" when you weren't, leaving the issue of rooms to the last minute (less time to fight) and then making it very hard for you to stay while claiming that nothing is wrong, they just have to put you in the tiny room.

metahawk, I think you might have something here. This is not uncommon for my parents, now that you put it this way, and pretty accurately reflects what happened (down to my mum saying "but we gave you a room!")
posted by ranglin at 8:50 PM on November 12, 2008

It just seems like math to me. By putting you where they did they have one pissed off kid, who they figured wouldn't be there much longer anyway. If they'd put you where they wanted, as I understand it, they'd have two pissed off kids, neither of whom seems likely to be going anywhere. They probably just shrugged and figured you'd get over it. The lack of any further explanation is just that they have no idea why you're making such a fuss - you don't live there now so what are they going to say to make you happy.

There are plenty of AskMe questions where I can never understand why people are putting up with ill treatment by family members and I don't answer because it seems pretty clear that you should just DTMFA. But in this case, man, just suck it up and go over and see your parents. You may never get what you want - the room or an explanation - but it is not worth all this angst.
posted by marylynn at 9:39 PM on November 12, 2008 [3 favorites]

Yeah - you're the oldest, male, married and very well educated. I'm also inclined to think that your parents thought you should be self-sufficient ASAP and they think your sisters need more support (or have always had more support, or are spoiled because they're girls). That said, I would always prefer the bedroom furthest away from anyone else, because I like my privacy, and perhaps they thought you and your wife would too? Either way, it's not worth holding a grudge over and you and your wife should move on and enjoy your occasional visits for a roast dinner with your parents, and seriously think about getting a job better suited to your qualifications. Is there anything else (apart from your family) drawing you to the Gold Coast? With those quals, and if family was the only reason for moving there, you could be searching internationally.

Totally aside, but my dad and his wife moved from Sovereign Island to Sydney in January, and moved back to the Goldy in September, despite having been closer to his wife's kids in Canberra and both of them having lots of friends in Sydney and having loved living there previously. They both say they just didn't like it, that the 'feel' of the city itself had changed.
posted by goo at 9:46 PM on November 12, 2008

I know I already posted in this thread (and you probably didn't like my answer) but, seriously - the amount of time that you've put into this thread tells me one thing: you care too much. This is a non-issue, and the fact that you think it is an issue tells me that living with your folks is not healthy for you. Living with your parents can bring up all sorts of issues, and at the very least, it has the tendency to infantalize you. I think that this is the issue, and for your own good, you should just walk away.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 10:14 PM on November 12, 2008 [1 favorite]

I have little to add here except to suggest that this may well be an Ask Culture vs. Guess Culture thing. More precisely, there seems to be some asking going on to a point and then a whole lot of guessing, and this especially comes out in your unrequited desire to hear an apology. In any case, I found that comment invaluable in understanding some of my own family dynamics, and maybe it will help you.

(Even though my own family is heavily guess-ridden, I am pretty sure that in the same situation with my brother we would have been allowed to work out between us who got what.)
posted by dhartung at 10:16 PM on November 12, 2008

I think you have reason to be miffed at this, but I also think that, ultimately, you put yourself in a position to be...what? taken advantage of? In a purely legal sense, you have no rights at all here - you are a guest in someone's house. So this is a purely emotional/family situation.

As others have asked, was their decision made purely because they catered to your sisters' "whims"? If that were the case, I'd say that they were in fact being genuinely unfair. But I doubt that's the whole story. They probably put you in the small room to give you a little boot in the ass to get out eventually. Are your folks the "tough love" type?

Also, I assume your sisters will be there for a while, at least long than you, yes? Then it would make more sense to put them in better accommodations. Add up all of these motivations, and your parents decided to put you in a place to motivate you to get out.

Actually, I'd be pissed, too, but it would be much better if you talk with mom and dad about this, get it all out in the open, and make sure they know exactly how you feel and exactly why.
posted by zardoz at 10:35 PM on November 12, 2008

You know your parents best -- what are their real motives? In my family, it'd be something like, "well, they [the girls] are still in the parents-and-children family dynamic, while you're starting your own family with your wife, so you guys should have a more independent space instead of being in our little nest." They'd also want to spread people out.
posted by salvia at 1:50 AM on November 13, 2008

Just a reminder, they're still your parent and one day will be gone. They could have handled this better, sure, but it's over now and you've learned a bit of something from it. Spend a couple extra hours in the gym or whatever it is you do to get your anger out and then move on. If you're still mad/hurt, keep your visit over the holidays short. Remember, though they're your parents and love you, that doesn't mean they'll do the right thing all the time, but they do still love you.

After all, isn't one of the reasons you went back to the Gold Coast because family was there?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:48 AM on November 13, 2008

Ok final thoughts on this:

Did you tell your parents thank you for doing this? If not, you should and get them a gift perhaps, so a night at their favorites restaurant. Say that you love them and wish this situation had been handled better by everyone, but ultimately that you thank and appreciate their generosity.

Then drop it.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 3:43 AM on November 13, 2008 [1 favorite]

From this:

There are FOUR bedrooms, but only THREE are needed. Nobody had to have the small room.

and this:

It should be noted that Mum & Dad were there at the time and even said to us "yeah, not sure if this will work, we might need to sort something else out"

It sounds like they were saying "don't come" without actually saying the words. And it sounds like you may already know that. From other uses of language in this post, it sounds like this might be your family's communication style all around:

"which they said they were okay with (but maybe not..."
"this led to us being left behind"
"they seem to think that my circumstances... gave them the right to offer us the smaller room"
"I don't really feel like celebrating with them in the six-bedroom mansion that was too small for me to live in."
"The small room (which Ranglin's parents TOLD us was too small)..."
"they don't care. We don't want to be in a feud but they refuse to deal with the problem."

If you still feel the need to have a conversation about this with them, it's more likely you'll have an honest, clarifying conversation if you start with "Hey, when you said xyz I thought you meant xyz. But now it seems like abc is actually the case. Is that the case? What did you mean?"
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 6:30 AM on November 13, 2008

I thought this was going to be a post about you showing up at their house to find that they'd moved without leaving a forwarding address, or cleared out your bank accounts, or insisted that your wife couldn't move in with you.

Take a deep breath. Send them a gift. Avoid them for a while and tell them you're too busy to visit, but let them know you'll be there for the holidays.

Also you have to know that the entitlement you're showing here is a bit hilarious, and I wouldn't spread this story around to too many people--you're complaining about getting a small bedroom in a home that many people would never even begin to dream about.
posted by sondrialiac at 10:01 AM on November 13, 2008 [3 favorites]

I guess I'm not really getting what the problem is here, other than that your feelings were hurt. You've moved on, you don't live with your family anymore, so what's the issue? Let it go and stop trying to force them to admit wrongdoing. Focus on your own home.
posted by alpha_betty at 10:20 AM on November 13, 2008

To the people who say ranglin's put himself and his wife in a position of no rights - he was paying rent. I hope you read that correctly. As I understand, paying rent tends to give you some tenant's rights. I don't know if his sisters were, or how much, but that definitely should factor into the equitability side of the issue.

I agree that it was a bitchy thing to do, and I would've been pissed, too. So I would've moved out and found my own place - which is what you did, ranglin. Nothing we say, and nothing you say, will improve the issue. They made a decision and they stuck with it and they think it was the right one - and they're allowed to do that, because they're adults, too. So be an adult and let it go. Continuing to harp on it will simply make the grudge carry on longer. Learn your lesson; don't live with them in the future, clarify everything three times and improve communication.

But really, beyond that, what are you hoping for other than to laugh it off with a "parents, can't live with them, can't live without them"?
posted by Phire at 1:12 PM on November 13, 2008 [1 favorite]

To the people who say ranglin's put himself and his wife in a position of no rights - he was paying rent. I hope you read that correctly. As I understand, paying rent tends to give you some tenant's rights.

Paying rent to your parents is just simple decency - I think you would be mistaken to consider it a contract.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 2:59 PM on November 13, 2008 [2 favorites]

It also indicates that him staying at his parents' house wasn't simple freeloading. In a situation where his parents refused rent and offered him room and board, and this problem came up, I would say yeah, he's being ungrateful in complaining because they were doing him a huge favour and beggars can't be choosers blah blah blah. However, because he was paying rent, I would take that as an indication that he recognized the sacrifice his parents were making for him and wanted to do the decent thing and compensate them for it.

I don't see it as implication of a contract, just that in this situation, it wasn't exactly fair for his parents to completely ignore his wishes in light of his previous "decent action".
posted by Phire at 3:05 PM on November 13, 2008

Ranglin, I actually give you kudos for taking all the criticism in this Q without much defensiveness. Regardless of how your sitch turns out, I'm impressed that you refrained from getting all hair-raising on the bluntness of some of the comments.

If your family is still important to you (and it sounds like it is), I'd drop it with an apology:

Ma/Pa, thanks so much for putting us up while we cleared up the debtload. we're sorry that the move to your new house became stressful because of us, and we'd really like to put the whole thing behind us. Here's a plant for the new house."

Bam. Door on drama room is closed.

I mean, really, you're moved out into your own place, they offered space (for rent, I realize) for you to live in; without being a dick, I think it's time to be grown-up-y, and end the conflict; no one is going to win.

Or, if being mad about it is more important than seeing your family, don't. Up to you.
posted by liquado at 10:38 PM on November 13, 2008