either way, I'm an asshole.

October 30, 2008 9:07 PM

Which is worse? To call or not to call?

Someone I'm not attracted to gave me his phone number. I liked talking to him, and thought he was a nice guy, but there was simply no there there. Which would be worse: if I were to 'lose' his phone number or call and explain?

posted by Sara Anne to human relations (13 answers total)

Don't. There is no good that can come of it for anyone.
posted by drjimmy11 at 9:11 PM on October 30, 2008

Lose phone number. Calling and explaining would be hurtful, losing allows you both to save face.
posted by Phalene at 9:12 PM on October 30, 2008 [1 favorite]

If you lose his phone number, he'll probably forget about it within two weeks. If you call and explain, he may remember forever.
posted by Airhen at 9:15 PM on October 30, 2008 [2 favorites]

If you'll be seeing him a lot out in the world, then let him know that nothing is going to happen. There's not much worse than thinking you have a chance with someone when that chance doesn't exist.

If you won't be seeing him, then there's no reason to call.
posted by theichibun at 9:15 PM on October 30, 2008

Don't call.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 9:19 PM on October 30, 2008 [1 favorite]

Don't call if you're sure you're not likely to see him again. Numbers and papers get lost. People get "busy". Life goes on.

People flake out in relationship building all the time. The price you pay, of course, is looking like a flakey person or whatever adjective describes a person who doesn't call.


If you call, it's a flat out rejection. Especially if you don't leave a window open for another sort of relationship. If he is a nice guy, he doesn't need the rejection because he'll know not to stalk you or stay aggressive.

When people don't call me back, I don't really think about it because I probably gave a number not really expecting to be called. If I'm interested in a person, I ask for their number so I can take the initiative.


However, if you're in the same field and go to similar events and you think he's a nice guy, then say that he's a nice guy and you just want it to be a professional relationship. Chalk it up to networking.
posted by abdulf at 9:32 PM on October 30, 2008

You're not an asshole for failing to reciprocate when somebody has taken a fancy to you, by the way.

Or, if you're an asshole, then so is just about everybody else on the planet, so it's effectively even.
posted by UbuRoivas at 10:14 PM on October 30, 2008 [1 favorite]

Don't call. Really. No good can come of calling. I speak here as a guy.
posted by paultopia at 1:37 AM on October 31, 2008 [1 favorite]

Perhaps he would have taken your number if he was that interested. No need to call.
posted by ersatz at 5:40 AM on October 31, 2008

It seems I'm majorly in the minority here, but perhaps he had no real attraction either and figured you could make a good friend? Why do all connections have to be sexual/non-platonic in nature? Did you get a sense that maybe he wasn't that into you but enjoyed your company?
posted by Macallister Vagabond at 8:18 AM on October 31, 2008

Did you say you'd call? If so, don't be that person; you said you'd call, now call -- it's not an issue of hurt feelings or the "easier" solution, it's an issue of fulfilling a commitment you made. Whether or not you should've made that commitment is irrelevant now. Call. Make small talk. Say it was nice to meet him. Don't move things forward; he'll get the message. Don't offer to call again. Don't ask about what he's doing next weekend or tomorrow. If he asks you out, politely turn him down. Don't call back. Don't offer your number.

If you didn't say you'd call -- well, what's the issue? Why in the world would you call? How could you be considered an asshole if you didn't?

If it's something in the middle -- say, you asked for his phone number and strongly implied you'd call... well, it's up to you.
posted by SeanCier at 8:18 AM on October 31, 2008

Did you say you'd call?

Totally doesn't matter. Even if you said you'd call, don't call. Calling him back after he gave you his number is going to send the message that you're into him. Even if you do nothing else to give him the impression that you are interested in him, the mere fact that you called will make him think that he has a chance with you. If he asks you out while on the phone with you, and you shoot him down, he's going to be thinking "Why the hell did you bother calling me? What was the reason: to make me think that I had a chance with you just so you could shoot me down?"
posted by 23skidoo at 3:09 PM on October 31, 2008

If you are not interested, do not call.
posted by Kadin2048 at 8:08 PM on November 9, 2008