Remodeling this old spouse

October 25, 2008 11:40 AM

Would like to end the ongoing clashes over housework and childcare with my husband. What has worked for your family?

I have worked for myself as a freelance Web developer and computer tutor for seven years. The only work I do out of the home is when I'm tutoring (a couple of half-days a week). My husband has a demanding job, but telecommutes from home unless he has client meetings or is traveling on business. We also have a four-year-old son who is in pre-K all day as well as several additional activities (music, karate, soccer).

From time to time we have these awful arguments over housework and childcare that I really am so so sick of. They seem to get kicked off if I ask my husband to do something -- I swear it's always a reasonable-sounding task -- that he just refuses to do, usually without explanation. It drives me crazy because I feel that I do and do for him and my son all day long with little acknowledgment or thanks. It's getting so I'm afraid to ask him to do anything, which of course just escalates my rseentment.

For example, last night it was giving my son a bath; my husband just refused without explanation. He has actually only given my son a bath himself once in our 4-y.o. son's life.

My husband and I have been together for 18 years. We each manage our own finances. I do all of the housework and yard work. If we're all eating the same thing, I do all the cooking. Since I'm a vegetarian and my husband isn't, we often each prepare our own dinners. I prepare all meals for my son too. I chauffeur my son to and from school every day, plus playdates, and most after-school activities. My husband is involved in several time-consuming interests -- working out and the gym and a theater group -- that I do encourage him to do, but it gets very hard for me to ever get to take time for myself.

After recent arguments, my husband started taking my son with him for a five-hour block of time on Saturdays; they have lunch together, go to karate, and then my son plays with the gym's babysitter while my husband goes to the gym. But when we're arguing, he will say things like, "It sure must be nice to have five hours to yourself every weekend" -- even though during that time I'm usually doing housework I can't do with my son underfoot -- and that my husband would never do himself. For example, last Saturday I painted the dining room; this Saturday I'm deep-cleaning for a Halloween party we're throwing tomorrow.

The resentment is really eating at me and my husband is just feeling criticized and nagged. I really want to turn this around so we have a more loving partnership. What has worked for you in dividing up childcare and housework?

posted by lgandme0717 to human relations (30 comments total)

Counseling.

There was no way to get the message across otherwise -- the problem wasn't what I was saying, it was communication in general. We've been married 10 years, together for 14. And yeah, my husband was very stubborn and wouldn't go to counseling until it was ultimatum time (very nearly too late), but it definitely paid off. It's amazing how kids bring out problems you never knew existed in your relationship. I wish you the best in solving this one.
posted by chihiro at 11:57 AM on October 25, 2008

write down all the chores - all of them. ask him to write his name next to the ones he doesn't mind doing, you do the same, and then you guys discuss the ones left and what can be done about them.
posted by nadawi at 12:07 PM on October 25, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

The resentment is really eating at me and my husband is just feeling criticized and nagged.

Right there is why counseling is probably a worthy step. It's not about housework. It's about not knowing how to resolve conflict. If the 2 of you haven't figured out how to do this after 18 years, then it's time to call in the pros for some help.
posted by 26.2 at 12:17 PM on October 25, 2008

Counseling seems like a good idea. He surely has another side to this that you aren't seeing, and he isn't seeing all the work that you do - sitting down in a calm and neutral environment to figure things out would help a lot, I think.
posted by Solon and Thanks at 12:35 PM on October 25, 2008

I'm usually doing housework I can't do with my son underfoot -- and that my husband would never do himself.

This might be a place where you and your husband don't see eye-to-eye. Some of this housework and yardwork might be stuff that he would never do, and doesn't really care that much if it gets done. Therefore he might see painting the dining room (or some other bit of work) as something you feel like doing during your free time that doesn't really need to happen, and therefore not really worthy of credit.

This is a minor point, since there are clearly a lot of chores that are not really optional and it sounds like your husband is shirking them too. But it's something you should consider if you want to understand his point of view.
posted by grouse at 1:02 PM on October 25, 2008

If you decide to go the "make a list of chores" route, be sure to add to it estimates of how long those chores take. If you have the same number of chores, but yours are all things like "take care of son all day every day during the week," while his are things like "sort recycling once a week," you end up in the same position you're in now.

I'd recommend counseling as a part of whatever strategy you choose, however. It's important not only that you end up with an equitable division of labor, but also that you each understand the other's point of view, and it seems as though you're at a point now where that's unlike to happen without a qualified mediator.
posted by decathecting at 1:16 PM on October 25, 2008

Outsource. The only thing that helped the constant bickering and resentment over housework in my relationship was hiring a maid. If it's possible financially, I wholeheartedly recommend it; all my guilt and unhappiness about the housework (for which I was 100% responsible) constantly hanging over my head just evaporated, and I've never looked back. A huge source of discord was gone. They could double their prices and I wouldn't flinch, it made that big of a difference.

I don't have any advice regarding the childcare, as I'm childless.
posted by magicbus at 1:16 PM on October 25, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

Check-off the comment above as the best and hire a housekeeper.
posted by Zambrano at 1:22 PM on October 25, 2008

Study up on some interpersonal effectiveness skills. They will help you to learn how to ask for what you want and how to accept help when it's needed. Encourage your husband to read up on them too so that you're both better able to understand the other when situations arise.

Just an observation, throughout your post you almost always refer to your son as "my son" instead of "our son". Perhaps your husband has gotten the message that as "your" son, that you should be responsible for the majority of childcare. Try instilling a sense of fatherhood in your husband; include him in activities that you can do together as a family, encourage and compliment the efforts that he does make, and try to find something about his interactions with your son that you can talk about and/or learn from (ie. "[Son]'s vocabulary/attitude/motor skills/reading/etc. have really improved lately. Have you been working with him?" or "[Son] told me about [activity] that you did with him last Saturday that he really enjoyed."). You may feel like a sucker at first since you're already putting forth so much effort, but you may find his attitude shift worth what may seem initially as a swallowing of pride for you.
posted by mezzanayne at 1:37 PM on October 25, 2008

What worked for us was breaking down daily chores (picking up the kids, cooking dinner) based on day of the week -- we alternated who was responsible for child related stuff/cooking dinner every other day. For the 5th day, we alternated on a weekly basis (eg. Friday one week is mine, the next week is his). Whoever was on duty for that extra day had Saturday to work (no childcare on Saturdays). The other major chores, laundry and car maintenance we split - I took laundry, he took car maintenance. We have a cleaning lady once a week so the only thing left as weekly chores was shopping. I used to do all the shopping but then said, hey, if you're cooking, buy what you want to cook. So he started going to the grocery store too. Having family meals was always important so we eat together. this does mean making more than one meal sometimes based on preferences. Evening routines were shared when we had one child and then split when we had 2. I somehow took on the responsibility of things like summer activities but he does a lot of the yardwork - that just worked out somehow. Bills we have just flipped back and forth - I would pay them for a while (a few years usually) and get sick of doing it and he would take over (and vice verse) -- but you have separate finances so I guess that isn't an issue (my husband wanted separate finances when we were first married but I did not and he gave in I guess, so we share money).

We also alternate who goes to work early and who stays late --- the person cooking dinner for the day goes to work early and comes home early (we tried to be home when they get home from school - this was always so when they were little but not so much now). Our children are older now so things don't have to be quite so organized for things to work but I found that a routine was the best thing we could've done when they were little. I should also mention that much of this was possible because we both have very flexible work schedules -- things that were not flexible we coordinated so that one of us was usually free of scheduled responsibilities in case of emergency.

This probably sounds very regimented. When I would describe our routine to couples who didn't have demanding careers with children, they were often surprised by how organized it all was but I really think this was the only thing that made it all possible (there were times when things broke down of course). I think that part of what made it possible was that we were both generally willing to jump in when necessary, such as your husband taking your child for a special day on saturdays or your taking on some emergency. I should also say that even though things were divided in a very explicit way, I still felt at times resentful about how much I had to do and I know that Mr. Bluesky felt the same way. I'm not sure that is ever avoidable when a family has 2 working parents. One thing that might be different about us and your situation is that I know we sacrificed some of our own interests for family/together interests for a long time when our children were little. I'm not sure that this was necessarily the best thing to do but for me it felt like the right priority. That has changed in the last few years as our children have gotten older. Anyway, the advice of getting a cleaning lady offered by a couple of people here seems like it might be the place to start.

I hope this helps - I think having a general attitude of feeling like the other person is doing the best they can helps a lot. Like I said above, however, this doesn't mean that there won't ever be resentments. Good luck and feel free to mefi mail if you want more.
posted by bluesky43 at 1:44 PM on October 25, 2008 [7 favorites has favorites]

He must either pick up or drop off your son at school. At my house, this is non-negotiable. I drop off, he picks up. This small change will make a huge difference, and it's easily to show this one as a 50/50 split.

I also second the maid and the counseling. Also consider hiring out your yardwork.
posted by crazycanuck at 2:27 PM on October 25, 2008

Although hiring a housekeeper might help with some of the cleaning, this person can't do everything for you (childcare, cooking), so the problem will remain.

As I see it, the problem is that you want an equitable split of the chores and parenting work, your husband does not seem to think this is important. From the way you describe it, it sounds like you do almost all of the work of the household, from cleaning to cooking to parenting.

I have to say that if I were in this situation I would find it incredibly frustrating and would probably get a divorce. Equality in the household is a dealbreaker for me. However, you have been married for a long time and have a son, and it sounds like you really want to work things out.

Counseling is a good idea - one of the most basic things you need to agree on is how much of the work each person should do, and what would constitute doing that share. Your husband may not realize how much you are doing or he may just think he shouldn't have to do as much. You may want a 50-50 split, or you might be willing to accept a different division. You may need to compromise. But until there is a basic agreement on what constitutes a "fair" division of labor in the household, your husband will always be able to try to weasel out of chores. If there is an agreed-up principal in place, you can refer back to it.

Once you have agreed in principal on who should do how much, then comes the task of deciding who is responsible for what and what responsibilities are shared. Again, you may need to compromise here because one thing that happened in my family is that my mom had different standards of cleanliness than my dad, and so a lot of the extra stuff that was important only to her she ended up doing on her own. You will have to work this out for yourselves.

I can forsee that your husband might not want to talk about this or might not be willing to compromise. Plan ahead of time for how you can explain to him why it is important to you.
posted by mai at 2:45 PM on October 25, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Use the famous "Shamu" method. No criticism, heap praise when he does something you like. Discard your resentment at the same time. Try getting agreements ahead of time. Praise him for the Saturday blocks.
posted by Ironmouth at 2:52 PM on October 25, 2008

Thank you, everyone for your insightful comments, and please keep them coming. I wanted to just add that we have tried marital counseling on two occasions after our son was born. For us, having a child really did change everything; we truly, rarely argued the first 14 years. The first time I really didn't like the therapist (and felt that she was unfairly taking sides), and the second time, it was my husband who felt that way. So I'm willing to try it again, but am not pinning great hopes on it. (Perhaps that's really my next Ask MeFi question: how do you find a couples counselor you both like?)

On the housework side I had considered my choices to be to either hire a maid, lower my cleanliness standards, and/or get my husband to do more around the house. I personally feel weird about hiring a maid or housekeeper, and have been trying the other two choices. I appreciate the suggestion, but don't know if it's the right answer for me.
posted by lgandme0717 at 3:11 PM on October 25, 2008

I understand feeling weird about hiring a maid, but if you can afford it, I think you should do it. The other answers are going to put a strain on your marriage. I think that is more important.
posted by grouse at 3:57 PM on October 25, 2008

I'd go about it in the following order:

1. Get a cleaner, if you can afford it. I know you're uncomfortable about that, but I don't know anyone who has ever regretted it. The benefits will make it worth the discomfort, and you'll get over that.

2. That might be enough to make it feel more equal. If not, sit down and write down all the chores (and how long they take) and work out who's going to do what. But not in a "this is what I do and this is what you do already" kind of way - start it off blank.

Crazycanuk's pickup-dropoff thing is a good starting point, especially as you both work mainly from home.

Factor in work as well, including any commuting - because that contributes to your family life as well. So if he works an hour a day more than you, then that's 5 hours credit to him. (And I have to say that the 5 hours on Saturday isn't really 5 hours - having Junior in gym-childcare is his personal gym time)

I did this in my last share house (and wished I'd done it my last relationship) and it made me realise that while I was feeling resentful that I was always the one who took out the garbage and did the recycling, I hardly ever mowed the lawn or cleaned the microwave, and the housemates who did, felt equally resentful - it worked wonders for us and led to a much happier house.

3. Try counselling (again) but with a particular focus on allocation of chores.

It bodes well that you recognise the need to explore your own interests and have time for yourselves as well as just doing chores.

Good luck!
posted by finding.perdita at 4:00 PM on October 25, 2008

lgandme0717, I find myself wondering how much time -- total -- your husband spends with your son. Like finding.perdita, I'm a little taken aback at part of the five hours on Saturdays being the boy in daycare at the gym while your husband works out -- that certainly counts as "time for yourself", no question, and in this case really its time taken at the expense of your son.

I, too, think you need to see a counselor, but I also wonder if part of your resentment is the fact that deep down you feel like your husband is neglecting his son? Honestly, from your description (sorry, I know I'm talking about someone you love here) your husband sounds really kind of selfish -- he works hard, yes, but then does the gym thing (every day for a couple hours I'd assume) plus a theater group? Yes, he has a stressful job, but for most good parents their child comes first -- the only thing that tops the child is earning a living.

I wonder, too, if you could start looking for things that all three of you could do together. For instance, your husband is into fitness, so perhaps you could start doing family walks after dinner or bike rides on Saturday or some such thing? Make it clear to your husband that you want him to share more of the childcare duties not because its a chore but because its a good way for him to get to know and spend time with his son?

If you can afford the maid, don't be squeamish and go for it. At one time we had a service that came in weekly and just did the floors and the bathroom and it made such a difference in my stress level to know that the toilet would be clean and I wasn't the one doing it. Ditto the lawn, especially since lawn work is so weather dependent.

Finally -- could you suddenly find that you need to attend a conference or take a week-long trip to visit a sick relative or some such? He might just genuinely not understand how much work it is to take care of a child and keep everything else in the air and a week having to be a "single parent" might be a wake up call for him. (Also a good rest for you.)
posted by anastasiav at 4:39 PM on October 25, 2008 [4 favorites has favorites]

Another strong suggestion for a cleaning service. Once a week, or even every two weeks, will take care of so much of the grunt work you will be amazed. I know for many people it feels elitist or like they are being lazy, but it is no contest when put up against having that time for more valuable activities with your family or on your own.
posted by shinynewnick at 8:27 PM on October 25, 2008

I personally feel weird about hiring a maid or housekeeper

lgandme0717, this may sound like it is coming from out in left field, and I want to make it clear that it is NOT a criticism of you, it is merely an observation:

in the absence of any information from the other side, your post and followup is exhibiting some clear signs of what I might term Martyr Syndrome. You have managed to create this perfect ideal of the perfect home that you MUST LIVE UP TO, and you now feel that not to do that represents your failure as a wife and mother.

There is also a lot of "me" and "I" language explaining your side, and somewhat accusatory language explaining your husband's response that leads me to feel like you might be in an US and THEM battleground mindset. While I don't blame you for this (it definitely sounds maddening) the trap in this thought pattern is that it makes it really hard to see where the other person is coming from because you've already "chosen sides" so to speak and closed your mind to their position.

Hiring a housekeeper DOES NOT in any way reflect on you being a "bad mother" or "bad wife". It is simply an admission that a busy, 2-working-income family is rarely-to-never equipped in today's society to effectively raise a child / children AND get all the other stuff done AND preserve a healthy relationship AND have a Better Living-Worthy Spotless Home ^TM. Very few people can juggle all these demands well in a normal 40-hour-work week (HA! as if...), and frankly the ones I've known who try have mostly been obsessive neurotic basket cases. Something has got to give, whether it's being able to put a perfect crease in your husband's slacks, a showroom house, a perfect perennial border, having your kid fed, dressed and at school on time every day, or your sanity, or your marriage. So decide now which of these options is most important to you and focus on that. If a neat house is a must for you, and it sounds like it is, it is clearly not going to get done with all the other stuff that both you AND your husband have to do every day, so in order to get it done you're going to have to outsource it.

There's a reason families with small children tend to have things like rumpus rooms strewn with toys, use mismatched dishware except on special occasions and drive ten year old cars with missing trim. It's totally okay to be a little frayed around the edges when you have a four-year-old. Most sane people understand this and will not judge you for it. If your friends and family judge you for it, then you need to upgrade your friends and tell your family to butt out. I agree with the others saying your husband likely doesn't get why you're continually nagging at him because it probably doesn't matter to him if the towels match, if the dining room is painted in the latest style from Better Homes and Gardens, and every dish in the house is spotless at all moments.

random thought: counselling will only work if you're okay with the concept that you have something to work on and you agree to compromise. Compromise is an absolute must in these situations. If you go into counselling with the mindset that "I'm not crazy, THEY'RE the one that needs fixing" it's never going to solve anything - it's only going to create more anger and frustration as the counsellor is (rightfully so) going to call you on your unwillingness to communicate or work through stuff. I know this, because I've been that person.
posted by lonefrontranger at 8:28 PM on October 25, 2008 [3 favorites has favorites]

my son

Either your son is not your husband's son (which might explain a few things) or you don't feel like your husband has done enough to warrant the possessive in regular conversation (would would also explain a few things).

The biggest complaint I've seen from fellow co-workers that telecommute is that their spouses don't realize that just because they're physically present to do something does not mean they can actually do it.

You have the occasional odd-job, plus caring for home and child. He makes the money that allows you do to so. If you don't like hearing him say 'No' to your requests, perhaps you would better understand if he simply left the house at 7am and didn't return until 7pm?
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 10:08 PM on October 25, 2008

When he's not working, your husband is either at the gym or playing make-believe in community theater. When you're not working, you're cleaning the house, mowing the lawn, cooking, and caring for your child. So basically he's a carefree bachelor with a live-in housekeeper, caretaker and nanny (whose services he apparently doesn't even pay for, since you mentioned that you keep your finances separate.) With such a cushy lifestyle, why on earth would he consider cutting back on his gym time to pitch in and help you out?

Good luck with counseling or whatever path you take. One thing I'd suggest just to give you a little bit of breathing room: cut down on your son's extra-curricular activities. He's only four years old - soccer plus karate plus music sound like a bit much on top of pre-school. He might even benefit from spending more time at home with his parents than being shuttled off to so many different activities.
posted by Oriole Adams at 12:18 AM on October 26, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

You mentioned in your follow-up that one of your options would be to lower your housecleaning standards. I was wondering about that because in your question you mentioned you spent Saturday "deep-cleaning before a Halloween party." As a very much non-neat-freak myself, that sounds completely unnecessary to me. I mean, a Halloween party is going to cause your house to get pretty trashed, so why deep-clean beforehand? Unless you're cleaning to keep up appearances, impress people with your cleanliness, etc. In that case, it's not about keeping to a basic, hygienic and necessary level of cleanliness, and bordering on a compulsion to clean which is something you could compromise on and work to change, I think.

If your husband sees no reason to keep the house as clean as you do, he's going to feel pretty resentful about being pressured and guilt-tripped to clean. He may be thinking "if she wants things "Better Homes and Gardens" clean, she can do it herself.

Don't get me wrong - I definitely think your husband isn't pulling his weight. But maybe a better way to approach things would be to try to sit down with him and state what you're willing to compromise on before you ask him what he thinks would be a fair way of doing things. What I'm trying to say is, don't go in there trying to impose your views, but seek out his views, and if you want him to change be open to change yourself.
posted by hazyjane at 1:21 AM on October 26, 2008

My husband is/was something like this, but his problem is not that he thinks it's my responsibility, he literally does not see the work, plus he has this apparent idea that we do all this together (cue sweet music and cute birdies, ugh). If I say "let's deep clean the house today" he's right there. But if I say that and then have to go do something else for a while, he'll sweetly wait til I get back and give him the specific go ahead before he starts. And forget about him initiating the process without my asking. Infuriating.

So here's what worked for us. You might actually try a gentle type of ultimatum. Simply announce, before cooking dinner one night "If I cook, you have to clean up." And then don't clean up. if he hasn't cleaned up within a few minutes of bedtime, tell, "remember, whenever I cook from now on, you have to clean up. If you cook or provide dinner, I'll clean up." Same goes for childcare-- if you drop the child off, your husband picks him up. If you put the laundry in the washer/dryer, he folds. If you strip the bed, he remakes it.

The hardest part of this is 1. the training process (brutal, believe me I went through it.) 2. Some things you have to let go. I keep hoping that at some point he's going to get that if I am working out of the house 8 a.m. to 6 p.m. and he is working IN the house during that time period he needs to have dinner waiting for me when I get home (I won't go into it, old wound). He'll never change the bed. Not gonna happen. I finally made individual laundry individual responsibility-- your dirty clothes are no longer my problem. You want clean clothes? You clean them. Etc.

I'd also get the kid involved. "Don't forget that boys AND girls have to take are of themselves and each other." If he points out that Daddy doesn't help, say "let's go ask him about that!" Nasty, but then again.

I've been married more than 30 years, raised 2 kids, my husband drives me crazy (and I'm betting I drive him crazy), but it seems to be working.

I bet more marriage fall apart over housework than we know.
posted by nax at 4:17 AM on October 26, 2008

while your husband might not see the mess that annoys you, he will see straight through you if you try to train him. i've not been married for 30 years, but i'm thinking Nax must have a very permissive husband to allow her to set the rules for chores. instead of demanding which half of the work he does and then nagging him about it until he capitulates (which doesn't seem like it'll fix your communication issues) you could make it a question - "my husband, what would you think about splitting the dinner chore - whoever cooks, the other one cleans" - then wait for his response and discuss it.

also - this has come up a few times in this thread - even if people are working at home they are still working. it doesn't make their job any less of a job and it doesn't make them any less at work while it's going on. treat that time like work time, not like he's sitting around drinking a beer and not doing chores. you can't do chores when you're at work and i assume you'd rather he keep drawing a paycheck.

also, also - DON"T INVOLVE THE KIDS - your guys' issues with chores and workload are YOUR problems. don't give your kids a complex that will follow them well into adulthood by using them as tiny little soldiers for your cause. it's not fair to the kid or the spouse and stooping to that level is uncalled for.

good luck.
posted by nadawi at 9:05 AM on October 26, 2008

Nice rebuke, nadawi. Just to clarify, have you been married to the same person for more than 30 years and had to deal with these issues? Just wondering. Perhaps "training" was a poor choice of words. How about "transition" process instead, as the training works on both parties-- I also had to force myself not to pick up after him until he finally got the message, since as you say, nagging doesn't work. And since the kid has certainly noticed that daddy doesn't have to do housework, and that mommy's upset about it, I'd say he's already involved.
posted by nax at 9:42 AM on October 26, 2008

i already admitted to not being married for 30 years. i did watch my parents marriage for 22 years and then i watched it fall apart and one of the major issues in the house was chores and cleanliness. being a child of that relationship has fucked me up as it relates to how a couple splits responsibilities. one of the main reasons i'm fucked up from it is that my dad constantly made my mom not doing chores the problem of the kids. he used us to make her feel guilty then she'd punish us because he put us in the line of fire. that's shitty place to put your kids.

and call it what you want, but it is training (and you made that clear by referring to it twice and calling the process brutal). just announcing how housework will go in the future instead of coming to a compromise shows how little respect you have for your husband in these matters and maybe your lack of respect and inability to reach compromises with him is the reason that so many of your resolutions sound so desperate.

for the record, while it might seem yours was the only comment i was referring to, many of the answers in this thread i found completely offensive. so often women are happy to cast their husbands in the unhelpful oaf category and are eager to cast any other husband in that role as well. i would bet if he wrote this question, the division of labor would seem far different and, like in any relationship, he does things that he doesn't feel he gets support or help with that she just doesn't realize are that important to him. what this couple desperately needs are better ways to communicate, not new ways to draw a line in the sand.
posted by nadawi at 11:02 AM on October 26, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

There's a book called Transition to Parenthood which I believe was mentioned on here previously. It describes the results of a study which followed a number of couples in the years following the birth of their first child. It's a bit dated -- the study was conducted in the early 80's -- but you may find it interesting to read. One of the main issues that these couples faced was division of household duties/childcare. The finding of the study was that the couples who were able to weather the change best were either those where both partners had very egalitarian ideas of gender roles, or those where both partners had very traditional ideas of gender roles. The couples who ran into trouble were those where the partners differed or where both had what the study called called "transitionional" beliefs -- those who thought that men should play some role in child-rearing, but not a fully equal role.

In many of the couples, the man thought he was doing a lot of childcare work because he compared his behaviors to that of his father, who typically had done none. Meanwhile, the woman thought she was doing too much work because she had an expectation of an equal partnership, which was not borne out. So both partners feel like they're doing too much and not being fully appreciated.

There aren't clear suggestions in the book, per se, but it may be useful to see your issues in this context and to realize how common some of these problems are. It may help you understand your husband's perspective a bit more... or maybe you could have him read it, too?
posted by wyzewoman at 4:05 PM on October 26, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

It has been helpful for me to see how many other couples struggle with this too, so I appreciate the hive mind's candor. I definitely find it easy to slip into a self-defensive me-against-him mindset when upset, so I appreciate the comments noting that in my language. As for my saying "my son" -- he is our son, not just mine. I was oblivious to my choice of language until after I posted. I wanted to correct a couple of mistaken assumptions I've seen in the comments. First, I fully understand that telecommuting doesn't free you for other domestic activities just because you're physically at home. I do, after all, work to meet programming deadlines myself when I am working from home. I always assume that my husband's time is already spoken for between 9 a.m. and 5 p.m. We do sometimes have lunch together, which is a good thing. Based on the comments here, I will try asking him to take on dropping our little guy off at school several mornings a week.

Second, I am far far far from a neat freak. My husband borders on being a hoarder, to be frank, and I feel like a lot of my cleaning and decluttering efforts are aimed at trying to limit the chaos to his basement office while keeping the rest of the house simply livable. I often procrastinate about cleaning if other priorities come up (and they do), so I do use tactics like deciding to throw a kids' Halloween party today in order to drive myself to dust and mop the floors. Some of the kids who came to the party today have asthma, so I had that in mind in trying to rid the house of dust and the ever-present film of cat hair on everything.

Third, I pay my half of the mortgage and utilities, all my own bills and business expenses, and the majority of our son's expenses. Civil_Disobedient, you're way off base in assuming "You have the occasional odd-job, plus caring for home and child. He makes the money that allows you do to so." But when I have to turn down work because I can't do it all, I am the one who is sacrificing income. I don't receive money from my husband for anything.

Fourth, my son has had developmental delays that he has made great progress in overcoming. That is why he is in so many structured activities as well as full-day school. His music class is actually music therapy at Nordoff-Robbins, and I have no problem setting aside work for one afternoon a week to take him into Manhattan to attend music therapy. I know this may be a touch of Martyr Syndrome showing -- a good point made above. When our son first was diagnosed with his issues, it was right after my husband and I were in counseling for the second time. And at that time, we dropped our arguing to deal with how we were going to help our son improve. So it's perhaps a sign of how well our son is doing, that we have the luxury of worrying about housework again..!

Thanks again for the reminders to communicate, communicate, communicate...
posted by lgandme0717 at 4:22 PM on October 26, 2008

Would he read a book about this? The book Second Shift is really good on this topic. It's by an academic sociologist, and it is well-written and interesting. She describes how six or seven couples split up housework and how everyone in that family feels about that arrangement. Mostly non-judgmental, though she does draw some overall conclusions.
posted by salvia at 5:17 PM on October 26, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

It actually kind of sounds like your husband resents your child (I may be completely off-base as I am just going by what you wrote). But his comment about you having time to yourself reframes the positive "father and son lunch" into a chore he HAS to do rather than something your husband should looking forward to all week. Also his not not sharing the cost of your son makes me think he doesn't think your son is worth spending money on. Since your marriage was so wonderful before you had your son did your husband maybe get used to being nurtured and cared for by you in those fourteen years? That is a long time for him to get set in his ways and some people become inflexible in their thirties and forties. Maybe he resents the fact that he used to be the centre of your universe and now he has been usurped by another (little) man. This is a lot more common than you would think. Before you had your son did you do the bulk of the work of living together but only after the additional responsibilities of a son did you realise you were overwhelmed? Perhaps your husband just isn't aware of how much work you do and how many lists you carry around in your mind.

I like the idea upthread of splitting care of your son, it is inherently fair and no one can complain if you give him the choice to either be the one that gets your son ready for the day OR ready for bed, drop him off at school OR pick him up; since he has him on Saturday then you should give your husband a few hours at home alone on Sunday (to make it fair), BUT if he going to the gym/theatre in the evenings then you should have an equal amount of time on weekday evenings to yourself. As a parent of a young child though, neither of you can expect to have much time to yourself while your son is awake so your husband should scale back his bachelor activities and you should do more as a family. A great family activity that worked for us was family yoga. It incorporates theatre (storytelling) and physical fitness while giving you some great "together time". Look around for a good teacher. When you add a child to an already full life than something has to give and please don't let your husband chose to make your son a lower priority than his hobbies. Cue "Cats in the Cradle"....

Your finances seem really wrong to me, almost like the controlling husband in the Joy Luck Club (remember how all the bills were split in his favour?). If your husband is able to earn his money because you are supporting him non-financially but he is unwilling to do the same for you than you should be paying less towards joint bills and more towards your own saving/retirement funds to compensate. And he should be paying half of your son's bills. If he is unwilling to do his share of chores than he should pay for the take-out, maid and gardener entirely (because even with help the bulk of the daily grunt work has to be done by someone in the house).

Maybe if a dollar value is put on all this free labour you are doing your husband will begin to value it. Good luck. This is a really common problem, and I think it damages a lot of relationships at a basic level. Because what exhausted wife and mother feels like sex with the person that is causing them to resent all that work, and how many marriages survive the absence of sex and love? I think you will be able to work it through, it sounds like your husband is willing to work with you on counselling. Finding a good, non-biased counsellor is REALLY hard though.
posted by saucysault at 6:35 AM on October 27, 2008