Can I just take the "F"?

October 6, 2008 8:39 PM

Sisterly advice to a boy turning 13? My half-brother's turning 13 and my stepmother wants everyone to send him words of advice. I've got nothing. Zip.

I don't want to be too sentimental or corny, I'm his sister after all, maybe something funny? If I had to make a toast after a wedding (well, I'd skip the wedding, but if I had to go), I would want to make a toast that makes people laugh, not tear up. So, what would you tell your 13 year old self that would not make your 13 year old self blush? I don't need anything earth-shattering, just not entirely dork-tastic.

posted by artychoke to human relations (33 answers total)

Don't be afraid to try stuff.
posted by rokusan at 8:43 PM on October 6, 2008

Show him how to clear his browser history.
posted by Benjy at 8:55 PM on October 6, 2008 [21 favorites]

Don't post any pictures of yourself online that you wouldn't want your mom or future girlfriends to see. Trust me.
posted by Alison at 8:56 PM on October 6, 2008 [2 favorites]

Oh. My. God. Yes, Benjy's got it. As the sister of a brother who was once 13, yes. Browser history, temporary image files, google toolbar's past searches, etc. No one wants to sit down to the computer and be bombarded with "lady with big boobs with dilldow [sic] picture."
posted by phunniemee at 9:03 PM on October 6, 2008 [1 favorite]

I know I've said this before (in two previous answers to unrelated questions!), but why not simply hand-write a copy of the poem If by Rudyard Kipling. It's all the advice any boy needs.


IF you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!
posted by Mephisto at 9:11 PM on October 6, 2008 [5 favorites]

How to use a condom.
posted by All.star at 9:13 PM on October 6, 2008 [1 favorite]

As a sister of a boy who just finished being 13, I would give him basic hints about drinking. Like, if your friend is not talking after you've been drinking, even if you think he's asleep, ring someone. (Same for any drugs). If you can, include something about 'you can always ring me and if I don't think anybody's going to die, I won't tell Mum and Dad.' Also, NEVER take alcohol to school. Not even just transporting it through. The risk you'll get caught with it in your bag is miniscule, but if you do, you'll probably get kicked out. Same rule for anything else that would get him expelled if he were caught. Teach him risk = likelihood*valueOfOutcome, and teach him to overestimate negative possibilities.

13 is pretty young, but not that young. Unless that's just my brother.
posted by jacalata at 9:22 PM on October 6, 2008

If you lie, you have to remember every lie. So tell the truth so when they ask you what happened you can say, "Honestly, I don't remember."
posted by parmanparman at 9:22 PM on October 6, 2008

"Never complain, never explain."

"When the fox gnaws, smile."

"Most people are faking it."

"What one fool can do, another can."

'Rule', 'law', and 'ethically right' are not synonyms.

Cui bono, or follow the money. Whenever someone tries to convince you of something, consider not only whether it's true, but how they'd benefit it it were, and what they stand to lose if it's not. The harder someone tries to convince you of something, the more likely they have a vested interest in the outcome and the more incentive they have to lie to you or themselves. More often than not, their interest doesn't correspond with yours.

The rational mind, as Hume observed, serves to justify the appetites, not vice versa.
posted by orthogonality at 9:29 PM on October 6, 2008 [1 favorite]

Don't be afraid to make mistakes. But do be sure to learn from your mistakes.
posted by Class Goat at 9:31 PM on October 6, 2008 [1 favorite]

If you can't be good, be careful?
posted by peagood at 9:41 PM on October 6, 2008 [1 favorite]

Here's what I'd say to myself as a thirteen year-old boy:


Girls are not mysterious.
Girls are not out to get you.
Girls are not particularly different to boys.
Girls are probably interested in the same things as you.
You shouldn't be afraid to talk to girls.
You can be just-friends with girls.
Some girls are interested in sport.
Some girls aren't.
Some girls might like you.
Some won't.
Don't worry too much.
It's OK not to be interested in girls, too.
Girls don't like to be called names.
Girls don't like to be treated differently, for no reason.
Girls hate it when you expect them to be things they aren't.
Girls aren't there just for you, you know.
Girls are more than their bodies.
Girls are just ordinary people.
Why not say hello?
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 9:46 PM on October 6, 2008 [6 favorites]

Here ya go:


"Would a person without any regrets, regret not having any regrets?"
posted by captainsohler at 10:08 PM on October 6, 2008

Fiasco da Gama, let's not assume all boys end up liking girls.


But I'll suggest three of my favorite quotes:

"We are who we pretend to be, so we must be careful who we pretend to be." - Kurt Vonnegut

"You know how Einstein got bad grades as a kid? Well, mine are even worse!" - Calvin (Calvin and Hobbes)

"Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly." - Dalai Lama
posted by Sfving at 10:10 PM on October 6, 2008

Sorry, I've just realized that Dalai Lama thing was misattributed.
posted by Sfving at 10:17 PM on October 6, 2008

He's 13. He will undoubtedly be embarrassed and/or mortified by any well-meaning advice from his family. So, as his cool half-sister, if you must participate in your step-mom's strange exercise, I'd recommend saying something low-key, like "Just be your own person - peer pressure can be nasty sometimes but trust me, people will respect you if you are true to yourself". Don't dispense sexual and/or booze/drug "advice" (easy to be too casual/glib from an adult's perspective) - he is a long way from adulthood, no matter what he thinks, and if he's not living in a cave, he definitely hears enough about sex, alcohol, drugs, etc. at school, in the media, everywhere. Just let him be a kid, if he wants to be one for a little while longer.

Good luck and enjoy being his cool sis.
posted by parkerama at 10:18 PM on October 6, 2008 [1 favorite]

I certainly don't assume that, sfving, but I was addressing my younger self.
Artychoke---have you got five dollars? Buy him a metafilter subscription and let him ask for his own advice. That's what my awesome older half-sister would have done for me, if I'd had one.
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 10:21 PM on October 6, 2008 [1 favorite]

Oooh, good idea Fiasco. And Parkerama understands completely my problem with the assignment. While proper condom use is good info, would you not die if your ancient (35) sister wrote "condom" in a letter to you? (I would die writing it.) Although, I'm probably too ancient to be cool, as well.

Thank you everyone - I have some ideas now. I vaguely remember writing things to the elder younger brother like Parkerama suggests - being cool in high school is only important now, etc, yes this is a recurring assignment. I had completely forgetten the previous letter contents. Thankfully, I have reached the end of my little brother supply after this letter.
posted by artychoke at 10:33 PM on October 6, 2008

Teach, or find someone else, to teach him to two-step. I came home from university one Easter break, sick of guys in bars who couldn't dance, and told my little brother that he was learning to dance whether he liked it or not. It took ten minutes. Two years later, he thanked me for teaching him such a useful skill.
Maybe where you are, it's not two-stepping, but there's got to be some kind of two-person, old-fashioned dance step wherever you are.
posted by Katiekaboom at 10:58 PM on October 6, 2008 [2 favorites]

Good advice I got in high school: "these are not the best years of your life. Things keep getting better after you graduate high school and then graduate college and get out on your own." It was sort of cheesy when I got it, but I think I secretly also hung onto it when things were hard, that there was this golden time out ahead sometime after graduating college, that things just keep getting better and better. It might also be worth pointing out that for almost everyone, middle school is one of the weirdest times ever.
posted by salvia at 11:19 PM on October 6, 2008 [1 favorite]

And - which is more - you'll be a colonialist, racist scumbag my son!

Give him a CD with "Sixteen Blue" by The Replacements on it. That's basically everything you need to know about being a teenager. Oh, and the browser history thing. Man, if I'd had the modern Internet when I was that age, I'd have started masturbating and would still be masturbating, having done nothing else in the interim. We used to have to hunt for discarded porn in the woods.
posted by DecemberBoy at 12:23 AM on October 7, 2008 [1 favorite]

When you buy a suit, always buy two pairs of pants.
posted by ninebelow at 5:52 AM on October 7, 2008

"Bones heal, chicks dig scars, and the United States has the best doctor to daredevil ratio in the world."
posted by bondcliff at 6:33 AM on October 7, 2008 [2 favorites]

yo. lay off the Axe, wouldja.

(that's just what i want to say to all the 13 yr olds i know.)
posted by RedEmma at 7:57 AM on October 7, 2008 [2 favorites]

(if you can gauge whether he is having a good time in school, and it is clear he is not)

The best thing about high school? It ends.
posted by ALongDecember at 8:46 AM on October 7, 2008

"these are not the best years of your life. Things keep getting better after you graduate high school and then graduate college and get out on your own."

Yes, that.

Also, I recently had cause to open a time capsule I made at 13 (I'm 34 now, I can't believe the shoebox made it that long!), and mostly what I want to say to that kid who I met again is:

You'll get through this, and you'll be surprised by what happens. Forgive yourself when you f*** up, and just try to do better next time. Also: this too shall pass.

posted by epersonae at 8:54 AM on October 7, 2008 [1 favorite]

"This, too, will pass." The current good stuff will end, but so will the miserable stuff. *shrug*
posted by wenestvedt at 9:07 AM on October 7, 2008

I'll always love you, no matter what you do.

We forget that children need to hear that, even when they're too big to ask.
posted by sondrialiac at 9:08 AM on October 7, 2008 [1 favorite]

One thing I wish I had learned earlier. There are very few things in this world worth being scared of.
posted by Karmic_Enigma at 9:09 AM on October 7, 2008

Make as many mixes (playlists, whatever) as you can. They will bring you great mirth for years to come.
posted by klangklangston at 11:34 AM on October 7, 2008

One thing I wish I had learned earlier. There are very few things in this world worth being scared of.

Totally. And try more things without worrying about being "in trouble", because that's a bullshit construct designed to force you to be mediocre. And if you're into it, learn to play a musical instrument and really get good at it, because it gets harder to learn the older you get.
posted by DecemberBoy at 3:33 PM on October 7, 2008

In order of importance:

Seconding the don't-post-embarassing-images but also adding don't post ANYTHING on teh intarwebz you don't want someone reading 30 years from now and using against you. It's all quite possibly being archived.

Four year degree.

Don't spend money you don't have.

Don't listen to anyone in high school. After high school they will not exist (in the sense that they will be completely different people after high school).

Stick to your principles.

Don't take everything so seriously.

Also, some girls are out to get you. I've known several personally.

This book might help some as well.
posted by ostranenie at 11:43 PM on October 7, 2008

"Never dole out advice unless someone specifically asks for it."
posted by Flying Squirrel at 3:05 AM on October 8, 2008 [1 favorite]