Post Blind-date.. Does she dig me?

September 15, 2008 4:38 AM

Does she like me? I'm not sure if I'm seeking reassurance or cold reality..

Okay..

So, while intoxicated, I placed a really fucking bizarre Craigslist personal ad. I'm talking some weird shit, completely irrelevant rambling that didn't speak anything about who I am. I still don't know if I was sabotaging my own chances by writing such a fucking bizarre ad as it was stream-of-conciousness weirdness for 3 or 4 paragraphis, or if it was a coldly calculated attempt at anti-seduction..

Either way.. I got a couple responses. And after exchanging several (one a day or so) lightly flirtatious emails, one of them asked me out for drinks. I named the time and place and went there this evening. It went well.. I think.. We spoke non stop from the beginning, from 10:00pm to 4:00am or so.. She laughed at my humor, touched my arm lightly at times, looked me in the eye, and even agreed to come back to my place and into my bedroom to enjoy some herb and talk more after the bar.. She took my phone number and gave me hers and hugged me goodbye at the door as I walked her out of my house end of the night saying "You seem super-chill, and I'd like to hang out with you more."

I just don't fucking know if this is "Friend Zone" material, or not. Because frankly, I'm not interested in Friend Zone stuff.. She's awesome, but I have enough friends.. I'm no good at dating, at all.. I don't know what her demeanor is supposed to be telling me.

posted by mediocre to Human Relations (39 answers total)

At the risk of oversimplifying, or overcomplicating, she says she'd like to hang out with you more. You should do that.
posted by box at 4:45 AM on September 15, 2008

Given how embarrassingly crude most Craigslist posts are, yours probably stood out a mile from the others purely by dint of being unusual and intriguing. Only you can say whether it was "coldly calculated" or subconscious rambling, but "anti-seduction" as you put it can be a good tactic: most of us get turned off if we think someone is searching desperately for a mate.

From the limited information you've supplied, it's difficult to assess how she perceives you. What section of Craigslist did you post in? If it was "casual encounters" I think you can be fairly confident that she wants more than just friendship. But if it was in another section - please let us know - you should act accordingly. It's not fair to chase someone for casual sex if they've posted in the dating section.

All that said, I think if a woman comes back to your house on the first night and gets high with you, there's a fairly strong indication that she trusts you and enjoys your company. She's also almost certainly more open-minded and willing than most, because she's the kind of person that reads and responds to Craigslist ads.

You've said you don't want to be in the "friend zone" but you haven't said what in fact you do want. Do you want to date this woman? Have a relationship? Have a no-strings sexual fling? Your next step should be dictated by what you seek to achieve.
posted by skylar at 4:49 AM on September 15, 2008

Response by poster: It was in the M4W dating section, no Casual Encounters or anything terribly salacious.

As for what I want, I don't know quite yet. I am attracted to her, and could see myself in a stable dating relationship with her and in fact enjoy the thought.. sex isn't very foremost in my mind as much as trying to see where she might fit in my life..
posted by mediocre at 4:59 AM on September 15, 2008

If she doesn't like you, she's clearly an agent of the conspiracy that continues to expend vast amounts of time, money, and energy to convince you that the state of things is not what it appears to be.
posted by solipsophistocracy at 5:25 AM on September 15, 2008 [7 favorites]

Response by poster: So what you're saying is that my instincts are correct?
posted by mediocre at 5:26 AM on September 15, 2008

Simply put: she's digging you. Likely "more than friends". Just the way I see it.
posted by horseblind at 5:33 AM on September 15, 2008

Yes, mediocre, I believe this woman may, in fact, dig you. You will know for sure once she learns about "Punch 'Em In The Dick." If she pretends to punch you in the dick, she likes you. If she actually dick-punches you, well. It will be time to forego the fantasy.
posted by cgc373 at 5:34 AM on September 15, 2008 [2 favorites]

She seems to actually like you. My thoughts are along the lines of skylar's as to why the ad was successful.
posted by Nattie at 5:34 AM on September 15, 2008

You appear to have a low opinion of yourself, "mediocre."
posted by Estragon at 5:38 AM on September 15, 2008 [3 favorites]

Not to be an asshole, but what is your question? It can help to distill things into a single question, so both you and those you're asking for help know what you're looking for.

Otherwise, seconding what box said
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:45 AM on September 15, 2008

She digs you. Go for it.
posted by meerkatty at 5:45 AM on September 15, 2008

Not to be an asshole, but what is your question?

Ha, ha, ha, never mind, you did ask "Does she like?" at the beginning of the post.

Yeah, based on what you've written, she likes you. At some point on the second date, you should kiss her.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:50 AM on September 15, 2008

...."you did ask "Does she like ME?"....

going back to bed...
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:51 AM on September 15, 2008

Yes, what Box said. If everything is as you describe, then I think this sounds incredibly promising. You're probably not all that "super-chill" (whatever that means), in which case, take a few deep breaths and see what happens next. Good luck!
posted by goshling at 5:54 AM on September 15, 2008

Girls that say that without you egging them on, y'know, probably mean it.
posted by spamguy at 6:26 AM on September 15, 2008

Yes, she likes you. If you want to avoid The Friend Zone, keep your spidey-sense alerted to the presence of an appropriate moment for you to kiss her.
posted by desuetude at 6:26 AM on September 15, 2008

If you want to avoid the Friend Zone, GO FOR IT THE NEXT TIME YOU GET HER IN YOUR BEDRROM AT 4AM.
posted by PFL at 6:34 AM on September 15, 2008

You seem pre-conditioned for failure, which is probably why success is so shocking for you.
Just do it. She likes you.
posted by nineRED at 6:44 AM on September 15, 2008

Seconding PFL.

Grow a sack and make a move, if she's in your bedroom at 4AM in the morning on a blind-date she probably won't mind...
posted by OuttaHere at 6:52 AM on September 15, 2008

No guarentees, but looks good enough for a second date. However, I strongly suspect that you are looking for someone to assuage your anxiety, not give you information about what is going on. I'd focus on dealing with that anxiety.
posted by Ironmouth at 7:05 AM on September 15, 2008

If you want to date her then the next step is for you to get in touch and arrange another date. Call her, don't email or text, and if you don't get through on the phone, don't leave a voicemail message - simply call back later. You should have a strong idea of the type of date and the location, and you should invite her on it rather than asking her what she wants.

It seems like you gave her a fun, spontaneous night the last time, and you should do the same next time, albeit this time with the intention of sealing the deal by kissing her and thus proving to yourself that she's definitely interested!

With regard to staying out of the friend zone there are tons of books and websites on seduction that will give you various ideas. A lot of these books and sites are frowned upon by members of the MeFi community, and with good reason in some cases, but from personal experience I can say that some of the techniques do work.
posted by skylar at 7:11 AM on September 15, 2008 [1 favorite]

Yes. You should have made a move if you wanted to.
posted by phrontist at 8:13 AM on September 15, 2008

As for what I want, I don't know quite yet. I am attracted to her, and could see myself in a stable dating relationship with her and in fact enjoy the thought.. sex isn't very foremost in my mind as much as trying to see where she might fit in my life..

Substitute "him" for "her" above, and that's probably about where she's at. Ask her out again. Kiss her this time.
posted by yohko at 8:28 AM on September 15, 2008

There is no "Friend Zone."

And "I'd like to hang out with you again" means exactly that, and what yohko said is true--she doesn't know if you like her, and if she's interested in dating you, and whether it would work or not.

That's why you guys go out on a second date. And a third. Eventually it will become clear.

Very few people know exactly where something is going after a first date.
posted by Sidhedevil at 9:05 AM on September 15, 2008

I agree with the general sentiment that it sounds promising. But I feel compelled to ad that I have gone on dates that went exactly as you describe -- met through the internet, good flirty bar conversation, came back to my place and got stoned, she said she'd like to see me again -- and I never saw her again. People can be weird. So I say you should proceed confidently but try not to have expectations.
posted by ludwig_van at 9:16 AM on September 15, 2008 [1 favorite]

Best answer: She wants to have sex. Stop thinking so much.
posted by Zambrano at 9:52 AM on September 15, 2008 [1 favorite]

proceed confidently but try not to have expectations.

My experience is that expectations can really bring more stress than not. However, this being said, it seems like you guys had a good time together and you really should hang out with her again, but don't go into it expecting things to go one way or another. Just be confident and feel your next encounter with her out. Haha I'd love to see the original ad :P...
posted by saxamo at 11:01 AM on September 15, 2008

If you were in The Friend Zone (stop listening to Oprah, btw), she would not want "to hang out with you more," she would say something more noncommittal or vague.
posted by rhizome at 11:23 AM on September 15, 2008

I'm a woman. If I did everything you say she did, it would definitely mean "I dig you." It doesn't necessarily mean "I want to have your babies," but it does definitely mean "Let's go out again, and not just as friends."
posted by desjardins at 11:57 AM on September 15, 2008

Yes. Yes she does. Definitely.
posted by MythMaker at 5:41 PM on September 15, 2008

If you want to avoid the Friend Zone, GO FOR IT THE NEXT TIME YOU GET HER IN YOUR BEDRROM AT 4AM.

Sweet Jebus, that needs repeating. What the hell do you think she was expecting? A game of Scrabble?!??
posted by UbuRoivas at 8:35 PM on September 15, 2008

in my experience, a woman who indulges much in the kino (touching) department, is usually a tell tale sign that she is attracted to you. it is a sign that her defenses are down and trusts you at that point. now stop being a chump and work it.
posted by sniperantics at 1:17 PM on September 17, 2008 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: There wasn't what I would call "indulgence" in the "kino" department.. (also, I wish there weren't so many "seduction" "community" "followers" "or" "at" "least" "vocabulary" "users" answering here) just a couple that I can remember clearly. When we were at the bar our knees would touch freely sitting next to each other. And I should note again that we didn't stop talking and laughing from the second we introduced each other to ourselves, I really thought it was going great.

Also, it wasn't like I said "come to my house so we can make out", once we realized that we both loved to smoke herb she asked if I wanted to go out to her car and get high. I said "I have some really awesome stuff at my house, you want to go there?". She agreed, I cashed out and we went to my place.

I should point out that at this point, in her car when I noticed she had a line-in I grabbed my iPod and played "Punch 'Em In The Dick", which she LOVED. We sat around chatting, smoking, and listening to music, then somehow the topic of the Star Wars Holiday Special came up so I queued that up on Google video. I was sitting close enough to her on the couch that our knees occasionally touched. She had no problem with this, at first.. though eventually around when she wanted to watch the special she scooted her ass (but not knees) away and leaned back into the arm of the couch.

I've been really dwelling on the "You seem super-chill..", what the hell does that mean?

It's unimportant though.

I blew it, the next day I texted her with "So when do we get to hang out again?", no response. The day after that, I called. There was an answer, then a click before anybody said anything. Then I emailed her telling her I had a great time and wanted to get together again. Basically, I got over excited, and came off as needy or something. I fucked it all up, and that sucks. But there's nothing I can do about it now but wipe her number and email address from my memory and address books, cell phones, cache, etc..so I don't try to drunk dial her some day when I'm feeling pathetically alone and reach out like an emotional cripple who needs to hear a voice to keep him alive..

Like I said, I suck at ating.
posted by mediocre at 7:48 PM on September 17, 2008

'kino' is just a word. who cares. relax. there's an 'action' and there's a 'reaction'. touching is good. that fact that you're all worked up about it makes me think you've very little experience in these types of situations. but then again, you did admit that you suck at dating. so that means you've no clue what the touches meant in that time. welcome to the wonderful world of dating. we're all trying to give admission of insight here. one need not be in 'seduction' or part of the 'community' to give insight like that.
posted by sniperantics at 9:33 PM on September 17, 2008

(Am I the only one who is unfamiliar with "kino?")

mediocre, don't beat yourself up. Who knows, maybe she's hung up on her ex or distracted by her job or her friends convinced her it was weird to meet someone on Craigslist or she got a yeast infection or gods-know-what. Super-chill could be anything. It could be "thanks for not being a crazy date-rapist," it could be mad flirtation, it could be a neutral positive comment grasped for while high. Who knows?

Your instincts were right in the first place. Metafilter says so. You didn't fail at dating.
posted by desuetude at 9:46 PM on September 17, 2008

hey, i don't see any great "failure at dating" - six hours of chitchat & flirtation, followed by a trip to your place sounds like a wildly successful date compared with awkward silences & escapes through the bathroom window.

six hours in a bar does have me thinking, though: people can sometimes be wildly enthusiastic when drinking, then get cold feet again once sober. it's an existential form of beer goggles. this might explain her silence, as it can also partially explain the "why didn't he call?" thing that women often face.

also, i think i can safely speak for all of metafilter when i say that we despise those seduction community fucktards, so please don't confuse our generic advice with their mindgame bullshit.
posted by UbuRoivas at 10:31 PM on September 17, 2008

I was thinking that 'kino' was some kind of business-book buzzword-from-the-Japanese.
posted by box at 5:10 AM on September 18, 2008

Man, you didn't fuck it up by texting and calling or whatever. She fucked it up by being a weirdo. Like I said, it happens. Just keep on keeping on, my friend, a modern gentleman has no time for such grab-assy games.
posted by ludwig_van at 10:46 AM on September 18, 2008

Kino is the German word for cinema but I think here it refers to "kinesthetics" - in other words the pseudo-science of touching a babe up. It's a seduction community / NLP buzzword for getting touchy-feely.

And Mediocre, don't sweat it, but next time leave the texts out. Wait a few days and then phone. If there's a voicemail, don't leave a message. Don't email. People can star-69 or see who called on their cellphone. If you phone a few times and they never answer or call back, then at least you can leave without having done that whole Swingers voicemail message scene.

Mediocre, don't worry about this person. Fish, sea, plenty... we're all right behind you!
posted by skylar at 1:12 PM on September 18, 2008