Help me find 'porn' (and decide on a toy) for my female friend.

August 28, 2008 1:57 PM

Can you help me pick a toy and "porn" for my female friend?

My best female friend (I'm male, fwiw) recently mentioned that she wanted me to help her find a toy. In the 8 years I've known her she's never masturbated. The furthest she's gone solo is what she calls "squeezing" and it happens randomly about 3 times a year--she'll just wake up in the right position, squeeze and hold her inner thigh muscles for a good 5 minutes. After she does it she'll proudly call me to talk about her accomplishments. Squeezing never gets her an orgasm, it doesn't even get her hot and bothered... it's just mildly pleasurable.
She had a few hang ups on masturbation (e.g. it's scary and unexplored, un-lady-like, doesn't know how, etc.) and she's never taken a mirror down there to even see herself so I'm glad she wants to move in this direction.

Instead of shopping for a toy with her I'd like to surprise her with one. Right now it's a toss up between a Rabbit (a la SATC's Charlotte--my friend is a huge fan) and the oh-so-popular Hitachi Magic Wand. Which do you think would be the best for a first-time masturbator (with a good amount of experience in the intercourse department)?

I'd also like to include visual stimulation to get her in the mood but porn actually turns her off.
The only sure fire video I know of that gets her extremely horny is The Notebook. It's so potent that she regularly uses it with foreplay when with her fiance.
I'm looking for similar movies/tv episodes/video clips that have this same appeal (and are available for purchase or download). I'm not exactly sure what it is about The Notebook that turns on the heat for her so I'm hoping someone here can relate.
It might be the guy in me talking but I feel like it should be short. I personally wouldn't want to be watching TV for 2 hours just to pump one out... but, I could be (and probably am) wrong. Maybe it's the plot and character development that turn her on and a 3 minute clip isn't enough to realize the depth of one's soul?

Any ideas?

posted by simplethings to human relations (30 answers total)

Any vibrator that has different settings (constant vibration, pulsating, escalating, and random) at different intensities (1-10).

Preferably, "eggs" or "bullets", for clitoral stimulation. Vibrating dildoes for vaginal stimulation may me too much for a beginning masturbator, especially if she's a virgin.

Zinc is good for sex drive, which can be found in many multivitamins and vitamin fortified cereals.
posted by sixcolors at 2:06 PM on August 28, 2008

Nevermind about the virginity part, I completely missed the fact that she does forplay with her fiance.
posted by sixcolors at 2:12 PM on August 28, 2008

Less unwieldy than the magic wand, less ridiculous than the rabbit (which I really tend to scoff at, sorry, fans) would be a simple, powerful vibe. Just because it's phallic doesn't mean you have to insert it. I find it's easier to manipulate than a bullet or an egg, and the differnt shapes and surfaces are good for exploring. Adequately powerful, adjustable, waterproof, inexpensive. The Waterproof Clitoral Hummer.

Forget about the porn, though. If she's into The Notebook, which isn't even softcore, it's deep romance, you're better off giving her something equally romantic with pretty people in it. Try The End of The Affair, perhaps. There's a lot of AskMe history regarding romance movies. Look there.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 2:14 PM on August 28, 2008

Get the Hitachi Magic Wand...it NEVER fails.

And if The Notebook is her thing...just give her the wand.
posted by arniec at 2:16 PM on August 28, 2008

don't start with the rabbit or the wand. if she feels it's unladylike and scary those toys will terrify her. i've been double clicking my mouse since i was 8 and i've been using toys since i was 18, but i am still scared of both of those products, no matter how great their reviews.

start at toys in babeland. you can use their "help me find a vibrator" tool or you can actually call them: 1.800.658.9119. they're very nice and very sex positive.

i really like the fun factory line of products. i think the material feels really nice and the germans can design a sex toy. the G2 vibes all have a great one finger control that is easier to use than a lot of vibrators i've seen. the aesthetics are also top notch.

as far as porn goes - babes in toyland has a DVD section. for a single clip, there's an i feel myself clip called "OralFixationM" that involves a couple instead of just one girl and it's incredible. there's this whole romantic story that gets told in floating text at the beginning and end - the lighting is great, it's very loving. you could join the site and download it for her, or even give the site as a present with the vibe. it focuses usually on a single girl laying in a bed (there's the occasional closet or library) and naturally getting herself off. it's not raunchy or cheesy. the girls are all natural shapes and over all very normal. it could help her find something that works.
posted by nadawi at 2:23 PM on August 28, 2008 [2 favorites]

I don't own it, but from reviews I've read Hitachis are great but sound like an jet engine. It might be intimidating and embarrassing for someone who is not really cool with touching herself.
posted by schroedinger at 2:26 PM on August 28, 2008

First of all, are you absolutely sure that your friend wants you to buy her a sex toy? A male friend once bought me a vibrator for my birthday, and I was actually rather offended, even though I had been hinting at wanting one. It also seems like a gesture her fiance may not understand or appreciate.

At first I was going to recommend The Rabbit, but after thinking about it for a while, I'm not sure it's a good "first time" vibrator. Someone who's squeamish about her ladyparts might be hesitant to use a product that's basically a fluorescent-colored, insertable rotating phallus. I'd hesitate to recommend the Magic Wand, because it's... intimidating. Very loud, very powerful vibrations.

It sounds like your friend might appreciate something more discreet. Maybe the Fukuoku 9000 (link NSFW, obviously)? It's small, quiet, and it might be fun for her and her fiance to use together.
posted by arianell at 2:32 PM on August 28, 2008 [2 favorites]

Wait - you're a guy and you're buying porn and sex toys for a woman with a fiancé? What am I missing?
posted by desjardins at 2:33 PM on August 28, 2008 [5 favorites]

I dunno about just picking a toy out for her. You know how if you want to get a kid a puppy, people recommend that you take them to the pound so they can meet all the dogs and decide which one they get along with best, instead of picking out the one you like and putting a bow on it? Well, sex toys are like puppies. Besides, shopping for toys can be a lot of fun and she might be disappointed to miss out on the trip.

I'd also advise against the porn. If you want to get her something in addition to the toy, try getting a second, completely different toy so she can experiment. (Though, really, I'd give her a generous gift certificate and accompany her shopping.)
posted by Metroid Baby at 2:33 PM on August 28, 2008 [1 favorite]

As a girl who is freaked out by sex toys, I second the idea that the wand or rabbit might be a bit much. I know those freak me out, and the only reason we even have a magic wand is because you don't have to use it as a sex toy. I've gotten past my hang-ups and tried the wand a few times, but honest to god, it doesn't do a thing except completely numb all my nerves in a very unpleasant way.
posted by Nattie at 2:37 PM on August 28, 2008

I think the Hitachi Magic Wand might be too much firepower for your buddy. I'm surprised that it gets recommended all of the time, it is not for the faint of heart. The rabbit will be wildly intimidating, it just does too much all at once, if "squeezing" is all she's gotten to so far, the poor girl might have a heart attack.

A simple vibe - like the pocket rocket, is probably a better way to go.

At least, that's what I've heard. Nyuk nyuk.
posted by pazazygeek at 2:38 PM on August 28, 2008 [1 favorite]

Thanks for the quick responses!
The discreet, quieter toys sound like a good idea. The inherent scariness of a jet engine and rotating exorcist-style phallus thing didn't even cross my mind.

Also, to avoid confusion, I'm her gay best friend.
We definitely have the type of relationship where I could buy her a sex toy.
Her fiance is cool with the depth of our friendship... he's not cool with us having one-on-one sleepovers though... to him a penis is a penis is a penis.
posted by simplethings at 3:00 PM on August 28, 2008

Agree with arianell's question (are you absolutely sure that your friend wants you to buy her a sex toy?), and with others' concerns about the Rabbit and the Hitachi Magic Wand.

(Just a tip, though, for those who find the Magic Wand, aka the Hitachi Hammer of God, too stimulating: try using it through a warm wet washcloth.)

I kind of think this is the kind of thing every girl needs to do for herself -- or do with a lover, which I get the impression you are not.
posted by ottereroticist at 3:04 PM on August 28, 2008

Seconding Metroid Baby. Take her to a women owned or sex positive shop near the two of you. This is essential. If there is potential for her to be freaked out by a lil' old hitachi, then going into Average Joe's Adult Video/Bookstore with old, unwashed men deciding between Young Anal Sluts 8 or 10 will unlikely elicit the response you desire.

Also, it might not be a terrible idea to analyze your motivations for trying to procure the accouterments of orgasm for a friend. There are a million good reasons to want your friend to get off, just make sure you're not placing yourself in a position to get hurt emotionally or physically the fiance.
posted by JimmyJames at 3:14 PM on August 28, 2008

Ditto what Ambrosia Voyeur said...the wand and the bunny might scare or confuse her. The wand is a surefire hit, but I feel like I should be using it to fix a car or something, which is a frightening thing to think about getting near your junk. The bunny, while cute and supposedly very effective, is also a bit scary with all that crap going on. Get her something simple and powerful. I am at work and can't get to the site, but Toys In Babeland has some great basic vibrators. I got this really nice german one that is waterproof, 5 speeds and 3 pulsation settings. It comes in nice colors, made of non-toxic stuff and totally does the job. The people who work in their retail stores are really helpful but if you don't have one where you live, give one of their stores a call and get them to recommend something for you.

There was an excellent post on here about 6 months ago with really good recommendations for porn for women who don't like porn.
posted by kenzi23 at 3:15 PM on August 28, 2008

Seconding taking her to a woman-owned sex shop, if there isn´t one near you some lingerie stores have a small section. Look for a place with a helpful staff, they tend to have a lot of practice helping women who are intimidated choose something they are comfortable with.

How about telling her you want her to go to a boutique with you, and then surprising her with a trip to the store?
posted by yohko at 3:25 PM on August 28, 2008

first time? i agree with bullet/egg vibes, and the pocket rocket. they're easy, versatile, simple, and not intimidating. i think the wand is a bit much, personally.
posted by ifjuly at 4:30 PM on August 28, 2008

For porn, get her a one-month membership to I Feel Myself. (ifeelmyself.com)

It's very, very well shot erotica of ladies masturbating. She can see for herself different techniques that she might be interested in trying. It will certainly erase any stigma of female masturbation being "unladylike." There are also, as mentioned, couples videos.

As for vibrators: start with something un-intimidating. The clitoral egg might be less "scary" to someone who hasn't ever flown solo before than the Magic Wand.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 4:50 PM on August 28, 2008

Nthing that the Hitachi is too much firepower. I think that the Natural Contours vibes would be a good choice -- they don't look silly, they sound like they'd jibe with her fledgling attempts so far, and they take the guesswork out of "how to do it" since they're curved to simply deliver vibration to clit.

What turns her on about The Notebook is romance. Porn is going to be a lost cause.
posted by desuetude at 6:27 PM on August 28, 2008

There is a movie called lie with me which is not porn, but very ... nice to watch if you want to get aroused, lets say. I think it's mostly targeted for women too, and all the sex scenes are very delicate and feminine and beautifully made. So if your friend is not into traditional porn, that is something to try.
posted by shamble at 7:50 PM on August 28, 2008 [1 favorite]

The Lelo vibrators are quiet, but pricey....and Candida Royalle's line of videos have been recommended for first-time viewers; though not all of the sex scenes in them are graphic.
posted by brujita at 8:46 PM on August 28, 2008

Get her a "personal massager." As in, one that's labeled that way, I've seen them at Walgreens, etc. There's nothing phallic about them, but there's nothing intimidating about them either, and would probably be less embarassing for her. Steer clear of the Hitachi machine o' evil. I mean, I'm sure it's great for some people but it's a scary piece of work.
posted by kattyann at 9:20 PM on August 28, 2008

What turns her on about The Notebook is romance. Porn is going to be a lost cause.

I forgot to address this earlier, but yeah, seconding this. I think it's very likely you were spot-on when you said this: Maybe it's the plot and character development that turn her on and a 3 minute clip isn't enough to realize the depth of one's soul?
posted by Nattie at 9:40 PM on August 28, 2008

I hate the Hitachi Magic Wand; it's like a sledgehammer. The LayaSpot (made in Germany) is small, comfortable, ergonomic, very cute, has several speeds and "programs", and totally not intimidating.
posted by matildaben at 9:51 PM on August 28, 2008

It's really great that you're so gung-ho about this, but these questions are next to impossible to answer without being the owner of the lady-parts in question.

My advice? Find the most woman-friendly sex stuff store around (e.g. Good for Her) and get:

1 gift certificate
1 flyer featuring toys
1 workshop schedule (if available)

If you still have the need to get her something concrete, pick up a copy of Sex for One: The Joy of Selfloving by Betty Dodson, to give her some ideas and shed some of that shame.
posted by heatherann at 5:24 AM on August 29, 2008 [1 favorite]

adding to what matildaben said - the layaspot is another fantastic toy from fun factory.

i reject the idea that there's zero porn for a girl who likes romance, it'll just be harder to find. seriously, find that ifeelmyself clip - one of the most romantic things i've ever seen.

i also reject the idea you can't buy this for her. you might not get the exact toy she would have picked if her and her parts had been at the store, but if she's discussing her kegal muscles in depth with you and you're not involved with her, then i think it's safe to assume she feel comfortable with you. this could be just the encouragement she needs to actually get on having an orgasm all by her lonesome.

finally, most people are suggesting a clitoral stimulator (bullet, pocket rocket, layaspot) and while that's what gets most girls going, i don't know if a girl who's having so much fun squeezing is looking for something to rub her little nubbin - she might really want something that penetrates a little better. i'm a big squeezer too and the most fun i have, outside of getting off, is pushing my toy out of me. it works the muscles and feels awesome.
posted by nadawi at 9:20 AM on August 29, 2008 [1 favorite]

as a sex toy store clerk, please PLEASE do not "surprise" her with a toy. toy choices are very personal decisions, and for a person's first toy, there should really be a high degree of owning the decision to choose a particular one.

nthing the suggestions here to visit a store *with* your friend. go with the intention of discovery, not that you're going to buy something. let her explore on her own within her own comfort level. choose a woman-owned store if possible, or any store with a helpful, friendly, and sex-positive, non-judgmental staff. if this exploratory visit has a *ahem* good vibe, then note the price ranges of what interests her and then plan for a gift certificate for that amount. don't forget a few extra $$ for batteries, or think about a toy with a rechargeable battery!!

also keep in mind that *where* you shop is important. sex toys should be manufactured from high quality non-toxic materials. visit stores that clearly state they won't sell toys that are substandard or have toxic materials (read: don't go to the suburban sexxx shoppe in a strip mall). as a good friend, you have the responsibility to make sure she'll have healthy and safe experiences when exploring her body.

above all, keep it light-hearted and fun, with zero pressure. with this approach, i've helped some of the most reticent people i know buy sex toys.
posted by kuppajava at 11:00 AM on August 29, 2008

i reject the idea that there's zero porn for a girl who likes romance, it'll just be harder to find.

Certainly it's not a lost cause for this woman to find films that arouse her. I suppose it depends upon how you define porn, but I think it's fair to say that simplethings is not the best candidate to help her find some, given his confusion over her use of The Notebook as foreplay material. (No offense, simplethings!)
posted by desuetude at 2:55 PM on August 29, 2008

The Magic Wand and the Rabbit would both be terrifying to beginners like her. The wand is giant and heavy, and feels like nothing so much as a baseball bat. It's unwieldy, obviously, and incredibly powerful. It's recommended a lot because all that power often works for girls whose other vibrators haven't been powerful enough to do the trick, but that power also causes a jet-engine noise, overheating motor, and endless shocked giggles. The rabbit is also surprisingly loud and has a lot of moving parts all at once; it's the kind of thing that, if it's turned on suddenly when you're holding it, gets dropped and nervously laughed at.

Either might feel good if she were to use it, but if she's intimidated, she won't get that far. Something nonpenetrative and smooth and unscary -- like one of the artsy sculptural ones -- would probably be the best choice. Once she's comfortable using that, even if it doesn't work for her, she's more likely to be okay with trying something more functional even if initially more intimidating.

Porn recommendation: Dirty Dancing.
posted by booksandlibretti at 5:03 PM on August 29, 2008

late to the party, but I love my pocket rocket and can higly recommend it for a first-timer. Sex Toys 101 is great book to see pictures of and learn about lots of different types of toys. Not that you have to try them all, but I liked how I was able to curl up in my own private space and read it.

another great non-scary toy is the nubby g as it feels great used completely outside, but can fit inside too.

I am not big on movie/video porn and at first assumed I just wasn't into porn, but I had a huge revelation when I discovered there are lots of other kinds of "visual stimulation" out there. My favorite being drawings with comics coming in a close second.



(I come from a conservative, sexually repressed background, growing up with the mindset that touching anything that would be covered by a bathing suit is dirty dirty dirty. I have broken out of this mindset and consider myself sex-positive. If you or your friend have more questions feel free to mefi-mail me. Learning how not to feel guilty about masturbation was a huge burden off my shoulders and I am more than happy to help another female get past the shame.)
posted by silkygreenbelly at 10:43 PM on August 29, 2008