Did my masturbation style overwork my vaginal muscles?

February 26, 2011 7:12 AM

I am female. Someone whom I slept with complained that it was difficult to do the missionary position with me. Did my masturbation technique cause this?

Ever since young, I've been masturbating by crossing and pressing my thighs against each other so that my clitoris gets stimulated from the pressure. By moving my legs against each other in that position a bit I can feel my vaginal muscles tensing up and (though maybe I'm imagining this) I also feel my vaginal walls moving against each other. This gets me into orgasm really quickly.

I don't have a lot of sex with partners, so the first and last time I slept with someone I cared for he complained behind my back that I was 'built wrong' and that it was difficult to do the missionary with me (he had to hitch my legs on his shoulders to do a proper penetration).

Ever since then, I've wondered if my masturbation technique caused me to overwork my vaginal muscles. Am I just 'built wrong', or did I do something to make missionary tough for penetration? Is it possible to overwork your vaginal muscles until penetration becomes difficult? Should I do something else to get off (slower) instead?

posted by anonymous to health & fitness (37 answers total)

I'll let someone else weigh in on the physical aspects of this, but that guy sounds like a jerk and you are certainly NOT built wrong. That's ridiculous and offensive.

That guy sucks. You're well rid of him!
posted by hansbrough at 7:16 AM on February 26, 2011 [51 favorites]

IANAMD, but I doubt very seriously that you would be able to physically alter yourself through any behavior, much less masturbating. Frankly, this guy sounds like a jerk. What's to say he's not the one that's built wrong?
posted by Gilbert at 7:21 AM on February 26, 2011 [6 favorites]

It takes two to tango. He's built a certain way too.
posted by mazola at 7:31 AM on February 26, 2011 [2 favorites]

No way. He's being an ass, trying to blame you for his lousy technique.
posted by Decani at 7:33 AM on February 26, 2011 [23 favorites]

Every person's anatomy is a little bit different and who knows, maybe yours is more different (though I really doubt that). But how you masturbate doesn't cause that in any way. Sounds to me like he is a total douchebag jerk and you are well rid of him.

When you have your next annual ob/gyn exam, you can ask if there is anything unusual about your anatomy. I'd bet money that the answer will be "no," but it doesn't hurt to ask.

I'm sure you know this, but for the future it isn't unreasonable to expect that a guy you are sleeping with will not spread nasty and untrue dumped about your most intimate moments. Good people don't do that, and I'm sorry that you are having to worry a out this
posted by Forktine at 7:34 AM on February 26, 2011 [7 favorites]

Yeah, as far as this (one time?) event goes there are different ways he could've viewed this:

a) she's built wrong
b) I'm built wrong
c) we're not compatible
d) we have not found out how we're compatible yet

Perhaps it's telling how he sees this.
posted by mazola at 7:40 AM on February 26, 2011 [13 favorites]

Is your uterus retroverted? (Flipped towards the back instead of the front -- it's a "normal abnormality," occurring in 20-30% of women.) The, uh, available space inside is a bit differently arranged and it's quite common to require one's pelvis tipped -- as would happen with legs over the shoulders -- for comfortable penetration. A pillow under your tailbone may accomplish the same thing.

(It also can account for discomfort in pelvic exams if the doctor is unaware of the retroversion, since, again the interior space is arranged slightly differently; a slightly different approach by the doctor can relieve that discomfort, so it's a good thing to know about yourself.)

Sounds like this dude was unaware of how to improvise and adapt to new partners (which sort-of screams "selfish" to me, but what do I know). Often takes more than one or two tries to get a groove with a new partner and find what works for the both of you. Everyone's parts are a little different. (And way douchey to talk about it behind your back, ugh.)
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 7:41 AM on February 26, 2011 [13 favorites]

Perhaps it's telling how he sees this.

I totally agree with mazola, and also it occurs to me that it might be telling that YOUR reaction is to assume you're doing something wrong. That might be something to explore a little. I don't think you're doing anything wrong, but what I think isn't remotely as important as what you think.
posted by hansbrough at 7:48 AM on February 26, 2011

As everyone above said, you're almost certainly not built that unusually, if at all. I'd suggest asking your doctor at your next regular gyn exam (where I assume you're getting regular pap smears and maybe birth control if you're now sexually active). There's certainly a lot of variation in reproductive organs across people, but just about everyone can manage a satisfying sex life, no matter how unusual their bits. There's a reason there are so many sexual positions available! Once you end up finding a good guy to bang, you two can get down to the delightful experimenting.

And there's no way you messed anything up. It almost sounds like you've been doing kegels, and I suspect a lot of the women on here would be awfully happy to have such a quick, effective, and subtle method of masturbating!
posted by you're a kitty! at 7:51 AM on February 26, 2011

Like you're a kitty says, you've basically been doing lots of kegels. And sex with someone who has strong kegels does feel different. Good different (like, amazingly wonderful), not bad different, but still different from how it feels with most women who don't have such strong muscles down there. So that's part of what he might have been picking up on, though again that doesn't excuse the douchy behavior.
posted by Forktine at 8:03 AM on February 26, 2011

Don't blame yourself for this one. You did nothing wrong and didn't "break" anything. This guy needs to stfu.
posted by Obscure Reference at 8:05 AM on February 26, 2011

Everybody is built differently. What works for someone with one partner might not for the next. The next guy you sleep with might think this is the best thing ever. There is NOTHING wrong with you.

so the first and last time I slept with someone I cared for he complained behind my back that I was 'built wrong' and that it was difficult to do the missionary with me

Dude is a fucking tool.
posted by futureisunwritten at 8:09 AM on February 26, 2011 [4 favorites]

Unless you're masturbating your body weight in a sort of weird and sexy reverse bench-press then this guy is a shit-dribbler who doesn't know what he's doing.
posted by tumid dahlia at 8:13 AM on February 26, 2011 [5 favorites]

This guy's an asshole and doesn't know what he's talking about. Probably there's nothing about you that's unusual. If you need to ask someone, ask your gyn, but the answer is probably "nothing's wrong."

As has been said above, *if* there is something different, it's probably that you have strong pelvic muscles, and that's good different. It's healthier for you. And while the goal of strong pelvic muscles is not to make guys happy, a nice side effect is that sometimes they make intercourse more pleasurable for both you and him. So if that was the difference, he should have been happy (and either way he should have kept his damn mouth shut).

Finally, if you've had some dry spells, it's possible that your muscles just needed some time to adapt to having a partner. Here's a relevant NSFW AskMe answer that might describe what's going on - or it might not. But the thing to remember is, tightness is no problem at all unless it's painful for someone. Sounds like it wasn't painful.

So this guy found a good thing and didn't know what to do with it. Screw him. Actually, don't - screw someone else instead.
posted by PCup at 8:16 AM on February 26, 2011 [2 favorites]

I gotta wonder about a guy who's basically telling other people that you're too tight. In my experience, men don't usually find that to be a negative thing.

You may have a tipped uterus. (IANAD) But either way, he's a jerk.
posted by MexicanYenta at 8:17 AM on February 26, 2011

(he had to hitch my legs on his shoulders to do a proper penetration).

The poor guy!

Look, it may be interesting for us to try to diagnose the physical issue over the internet (if there even is any issue or anything to diagnose), but unless someone comes in here with actual medical credentials or the same first-hand experience, the best we can do is speculate wildly. This might be more of a psychological/social problem than a relationship problem: he said you were "built wrong," so you're starting to internalize that, asking if you really were "built wrong." And since you aren't experienced with anyone else besides him, you have no point of comparison. Try having experiences with someone else, and see if it's similar or different.
posted by John Cohen at 8:33 AM on February 26, 2011

I'm voting tilted uterus too. I *cough* know a girl with the same problem, ankles by ears is the only way to do things comfortably in that position. (Other positions are much more comfortable.) She never masturbated the way you say you did, so you didn't ruin anything.
posted by TooFewShoes at 8:43 AM on February 26, 2011

Somebody's complaining about having to hitch your legs over their shoulders? Hello.
posted by phaedon at 9:17 AM on February 26, 2011 [11 favorites]

You don't consider hitch your legs on the shoulders for proper penetration in missionary to be normal? News to me! My uterus is in the right position (I think) and putting your legs in interesting places seems to be part of making, as metafilter put it "the sexy sex, as if it were my profession!"

I cannot imagine what he thinks sex is supposed to be, but generally, humans do not come in perfectly nesting sizes like measuring cups. Just like your nose may be in the way when you smooch, the potential for copulation every which way including upside down, and the plethora of wedges, swings and chairs, plus metaphors like "bedroom gymnastics" and "horizontal tango" is a hint that some adaption to fit may be involved. Neither one of you are broken, if his shoulders are getting tired flip your legs up into a folded over shape ("Viennese Oyster") and if you don't want to hold them that way, grip the headboard with your toes. Alternatively twist so your crotches are meeting at the fork instead of trying to fit an often larger adult male into the crowded thigh space or hike one leg up.

You're not weird, it sounds like inexperience with both of you.
posted by Phalene at 9:20 AM on February 26, 2011 [4 favorites]

Sounds like someone had a case of "blame the girl because my dick is too small."
posted by phoebus at 9:22 AM on February 26, 2011 [15 favorites]

My uterus is tipped in the *other* direction and it means that it's easy to bang into my cervix in positions that involve deep penetration. And that, um, hurts.

I have never, ever in my life had a partner complain about this quirk of my anatomy. It's just "oh, so I'll grab a pillow/move to the left/whatever" and then recommencing with the sexy business.

Everybody's anatomy is slightly different and this guy had better take a broader view of the situation (I recommend "WOW I AM HAVING SEX THIS IS AWESOME!" if he's taking suggestions) if he's going to enjoy anyone else's anatomy ever.
posted by sonika at 9:33 AM on February 26, 2011 [4 favorites]

It might be that your body is arranged in a way that makes a specific position uncomfortable for you or him, and it may be that his body is arranged in such a way that makes a specific position uncomfortable for you or him. For example, his penis might be angled one way or the other, and if he doesn't enter in the correct way, he feels pain. That's not your fault at all (how could it be?) but it's also not his.

Neither of those things is wrong, per se. It's just a matter of how people are built, which is down to genetics. Pardon me for being crude, but you'd have to be really going for it to rearrange the way your genitals are laid out. Vaginae (sp?) are designed to have the head of a baby come down through them, so they're pretty flexible - whatever shape it goes into when you masturbate, it probably goes back to whatever position/shape it was in before you started masturbating, when you're done.
posted by Solomon at 10:20 AM on February 26, 2011

the first and last time I slept with someone I cared for he complained behind my back that I was 'built wrong' and that it was difficult to do the missionary with me (he had to hitch my legs on his shoulders to do a proper penetration).

This guy is a jerk. Period. Don't let this sway how you feel about your body.

Also, I find that, from partner to partner, sometimes our bodies fit together in different ways so that some positions are more interesting than others, or even not available/more available to us. There's nothing wrong with that, and anyone who would talk about you behind your back because they couldn't do their favorite position with you is a first class asshole.
posted by Sara C. at 10:30 AM on February 26, 2011 [2 favorites]

Oh hi, I see you've had the pleasure of meeting the Straight Guy Who Doesn't Like Women. It seems strange, but while this guy is heterosexual and attracted to women, he has a great discomfort with women's real-life, messy, mysterious, and unique bodies. He wants to fuck, but he doesn't really want to get down and get to know a body. He's more than a little grossed out by it all.

I'm sorry you had to run into him early in your career. I myself went almost 15 years before meeting him! But I want to assure you that the vast majority of men aren't like this. Sure, they may have their other problems with sex and relaionships, but most of them really do dig women's bodies.

And on a final note...don't worry about your masturbation style! I think that your awareness of your sensations and your use of your muscles is going to mean that you really enjoy penetrative sex when you find the right guy.
posted by mrs. sock at 10:48 AM on February 26, 2011 [15 favorites]

I have done exactly what you do, often every day or more, since adolescence (and am actually a little surprised to see you describe it since I thought I was the only one.) The complaint you received isn't one I've ever had, over the course of several multi-year relationships dating back to high school. (And including someone who was very comfortable making other rude complaints.) So, if in fact your anatomy is different from what that guy imagined it would be, I don't think it's because of that. However, I think you should take his comments with a grain of salt. Ask your OB-GYN if you want, but honestly, this guy may have never even slept with another woman to compare you to. He may be comparing you to to what his hand or a watermelon or fake pussy felt like, or his ideas of what sex would be like from porn, or tall tales from his friends, etc. Also, I think mazoloa was absolutely spot on here.
posted by Ashley801 at 11:42 AM on February 26, 2011

It sounds like this guy had very little experience with women's bodies. You'd be justified in complaining about his weak, floppy penis. In my life, I can't remember any guy ever complaining that a girl's vagina was too muscular. That would be f*cked up, crazy talk.
posted by bonobothegreat at 11:45 AM on February 26, 2011

Missionary position is not the normal position - it's a position. There's no reason that anybody/any body has to conform to it.
posted by carter at 12:13 PM on February 26, 2011 [2 favorites]

In addition to a retroverted uterus which can apparently sometimes cause effects like this. I have seen that larger than average inner labia can make sex without tipping the pelvis less comfortable, and might make your described routine more stimulating. If this is the case it is, like the other possible physical causes, NOT INDICATIVE OF ANYTHING WRONG WITH YOU, but very much him.
PROTIP: Lube makes any difference in missionary sex disappear and any gentleman worth your time would see it as an awesome new piece of anatomy to play with

Your OB/GYN would be able to advise you much better than any of us could.

In the meantime, I would recommend blaming the overwhelmingly most likely cause, a weak underwhelmingly flaccid penis, which has effects identical to what you've described. It seems to match his personality so well.
posted by Blasdelb at 12:13 PM on February 26, 2011 [3 favorites]

unless someone comes in here with actual medical credentials or the same first-hand experience, the best we can do is speculate wildly

I am 100% confident that this person is not "built wrong," because there's no such thing as being "built wrong."

If this person does have a physiological variance like a retroverted uterus, or unusually large labia, or an asymmetrical vaginal canal, A) none of those things are "wrong", and B) she didn't "cause" any of those things by her masturbation technique.

I don't need to be a zoologist to know that nobody saw a unicorn.

OP, keep rocking out with your masturbation technique. Talk with your GYN about your unique configuration; if you do have any of the (very common) variances discussed, there are lots of ways to incorporate them in an awesome and mutually sextacular sex life.
posted by Sidhedevil at 1:22 PM on February 26, 2011 [8 favorites]

Nthing that dude's an asshole.

Having said this, you sound like you have a combination of small vaginal canal and tight pelvic muscles.

*Graphic warning*

I have this combination myself, to such an extent that two different OB/GYNs have commented on it (during labor). When I was in my third trimester of my first pregnancy, the combination of small, tight, and pressure literally meant I could not have penetrative sex with my husband in ANY position. It hurt both of us. (Yeah, we tried lube, lots of it.)

So, if you think birthing babies is in your future, this may be a great thing for you like it was for me. Passing a child through there has made is possible for me to have sex a lot more often without pain becoming an issue. My husband claims to also enjoy having a little more wiggle room, but that might be because we don't have to quit after once a day anymore.
posted by Leta at 2:20 PM on February 26, 2011

One of the first women I had sex with 'warned' me that 'the only way we can do it is with my legs over your shoulders.' As if she had actually encountered guys who, when confronted with that information, decided not to bother. I've spent decades speculating on whether she was just putting it that way to turn me on, or was just insecure about admitting that she actually preferred that position, or what. It's gratifying/disappointing to find that she might have simply been telling the truth.
posted by bingo at 3:48 PM on February 26, 2011

unless someone comes in here with actual medical credentials or the same first-hand experience, the best we can do is speculate wildly

I am 100% confident that this person is not "built wrong," because there's no such thing as being "built wrong."

If this person does have a physiological variance like a retroverted uterus, or unusually large labia, or an asymmetrical vaginal canal, A) none of those things are "wrong", and B) she didn't "cause" any of those things by her masturbation technique.

I don't need to be a zoologist to know that nobody saw a unicorn.

Sidhedevil, you are really distorting what I said. I did not say she might be "built wrong." No one is endorsing that phrasing. I said we would have to speculate about what, if any, physical condition she has, such as the ones you've mentioned.
posted by John Cohen at 4:05 PM on February 26, 2011

My point is that it takes absolutely no wild speculation for all of us to answer her two questions:

a) Am I "built wrong"?

and

b) Did my masturbation cause this?


with a resounding "NO!"

Agree that every hypothesis about what possible physiological variations she might have, if any, is sheer speculation, but that would be the same for the World's Greatest Gynecologist if he or she were posting here, because the only person who could give the OP information about that would be a GYN who was examining her in person.
posted by Sidhedevil at 4:10 PM on February 26, 2011 [1 favorite]

Ashley801: I have done exactly what you do, often every day or more, since adolescence (and am actually a little surprised to see you describe it since I thought I was the only one.) The complaint you received isn't one I've ever had

Holy shit, me three. Anon, you've done absolutely nothing wrong and the guy is a jerk.
posted by cybercoitus interruptus at 5:07 PM on February 26, 2011

Me four, and the guy is a jerk. The only way in which that masturbation technique has affected sex for me is that sometimes I squeeze too hard at the wrong time and push my partner's penis out. This can be a little bit frustrating when I am trying to get off by squeezing, but things keep getting interrupted. So sure, try some alternative masturbation techniques just in case, but please do not believe you are "built wrong" or that you owe anyone else anything when it comes to your shape, size, or private sexy-time hobbies.
posted by lollusc at 8:50 PM on February 26, 2011

I think, before we get the tar and feathers for the poor gentleman, it's worth noting the context. It may have been a passing "Ooomph, tired, I think you're the wroung shape for me to try this position!"
posted by Phalene at 1:00 PM on February 27, 2011

Phalene, if this were based on something he said to her, sure, there would be a possibility that she'd taken something out of context (especially if she has body image issues and might have been projecting that onto her partner).

It's the fact that he said it about her behind her back, and it got back around to her. Which breaks the first rule about sexytimes: you don't gossip about sexytimes. Especially to people who know your partner. Especially if what you have to say is negative. ESPECIALLY especially if it's something negative about performance/their ability to get you off. ESPECIALLY especially if you know said person to be inexperienced.

And if said individual is inexperienced and you know that they actually care about you, that it wasn't just a quick lay? That shit is beyond the pale.
posted by Sara C. at 3:35 PM on February 27, 2011 [1 favorite]