dating is so freaking complicated
August 11, 2008 8:04 PM Subscribe
Was I just cynically used for sex?
I'm a 24yo girl. I was going on dates with Boy for a month, then I left the country for six weeks. We didn't discuss getting/staying together beforehand, and he was crappy about staying in touch while I was gone, so I kinda assumed that we wouldn't see each other again. A few days after I get back, Boy texts me, we talk and hook up and he promises that we'll meet again in a few days. On the appointed day I text Boy and he says he's sick. A few days later (Saturday, to be exact) I text Boy again, then call him, and he hasn't gotten back to me. Did he really just stop by for a quickie, or is there some other interpretation? Am I being a pathetic neurotic girl if I keep trying to contact him at this point?
I'm a 24yo girl. I was going on dates with Boy for a month, then I left the country for six weeks. We didn't discuss getting/staying together beforehand, and he was crappy about staying in touch while I was gone, so I kinda assumed that we wouldn't see each other again. A few days after I get back, Boy texts me, we talk and hook up and he promises that we'll meet again in a few days. On the appointed day I text Boy and he says he's sick. A few days later (Saturday, to be exact) I text Boy again, then call him, and he hasn't gotten back to me. Did he really just stop by for a quickie, or is there some other interpretation? Am I being a pathetic neurotic girl if I keep trying to contact him at this point?
Don't call yourself such names. But yes leave the ball in his court now, and if it's not quickly returned, leave the court. : )
posted by Penelope at 8:11 PM on August 11, 2008
posted by Penelope at 8:11 PM on August 11, 2008
He wasn't that interested in you, but didn't want to turn down sex, but now is probably in "OMG did I commit myself to being a BOYFRIEND I better lay low" panic mode.
Also he's a douche, find someone better. I recommend OKCupid.com.
posted by ®@ at 8:13 PM on August 11, 2008
Also he's a douche, find someone better. I recommend OKCupid.com.
posted by ®@ at 8:13 PM on August 11, 2008
Best answer: Did he really just stop by for a quickie, or is there some other interpretation?
Impossible to say with any certainty, as none of us (presumably) are Boy.
Am I being a pathetic neurotic girl if I keep trying to contact him at this point?
I wouldn't call you pathetic or neurotic, and I think you might want to stop calling yourself names as well. As a former 24-year-old female who used to get pretty wound up about this exact sort of thing, though, I will tell you this: learning to find a way to sit with your own discomfort and anxiety without resorting to calling him repeatedly will serve you better emotionally -- now and in the long run.
Or to put it another way: unless he fell off a bridge, he already knows you texted and called. Texting and calling further is unlikely to produce a positive result. Distract yourself (go out with some friends, rent a movie, make a batch of cookies, go walk the dog, whatever you enjoy) and, you know... que sera, sera. If he's truly a jerk, you'll see this as confirmation soon enough. If he's not, you'll have confirmation soon enough on that score, too.
posted by scody at 8:15 PM on August 11, 2008 [19 favorites]
Impossible to say with any certainty, as none of us (presumably) are Boy.
Am I being a pathetic neurotic girl if I keep trying to contact him at this point?
I wouldn't call you pathetic or neurotic, and I think you might want to stop calling yourself names as well. As a former 24-year-old female who used to get pretty wound up about this exact sort of thing, though, I will tell you this: learning to find a way to sit with your own discomfort and anxiety without resorting to calling him repeatedly will serve you better emotionally -- now and in the long run.
Or to put it another way: unless he fell off a bridge, he already knows you texted and called. Texting and calling further is unlikely to produce a positive result. Distract yourself (go out with some friends, rent a movie, make a batch of cookies, go walk the dog, whatever you enjoy) and, you know... que sera, sera. If he's truly a jerk, you'll see this as confirmation soon enough. If he's not, you'll have confirmation soon enough on that score, too.
posted by scody at 8:15 PM on August 11, 2008 [19 favorites]
Maybe, maybe not. Could well be, but could be other issues.
The important point is, have sex if what you want is to have sex. Just as a guy shouldn't use "I bought you dinner (which I didn't enjoy for itself, but just as a pre-payment for sex)" just as a token he can turn in for sex, you should enjoy sex for itself or forego it. You shouldn't see sex (implicitly and by itself) as a promise of a future relationship.
posted by orthogonality at 8:18 PM on August 11, 2008 [22 favorites]
The important point is, have sex if what you want is to have sex. Just as a guy shouldn't use "I bought you dinner (which I didn't enjoy for itself, but just as a pre-payment for sex)" just as a token he can turn in for sex, you should enjoy sex for itself or forego it. You shouldn't see sex (implicitly and by itself) as a promise of a future relationship.
posted by orthogonality at 8:18 PM on August 11, 2008 [22 favorites]
It was a booty call. You answered. Do not call back.
And listen to scody, for scody is wise.
posted by DarlingBri at 8:19 PM on August 11, 2008 [1 favorite]
And listen to scody, for scody is wise.
posted by DarlingBri at 8:19 PM on August 11, 2008 [1 favorite]
Honestly, I know it's the cliche answer, but asking strangers on the internet after only a couple days of silence on his part is going to be a hell of a lot less revealing than just waiting a week and seeing how things progress.
posted by lizzicide at 8:20 PM on August 11, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by lizzicide at 8:20 PM on August 11, 2008 [1 favorite]
The important point is, have sex if what you want is to have sex. Just as a guy shouldn't use "I bought you dinner (which I didn't enjoy for itself, but just as a pre-payment for sex)" just as a token he can turn in for sex, you should enjoy sex for itself or forego it. You shouldn't see sex (implicitly and by itself) as a promise of a future relationship.
I completely agree.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:21 PM on August 11, 2008 [2 favorites]
I completely agree.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:21 PM on August 11, 2008 [2 favorites]
He *might* have lost his phone, but the "OMG, no, I can't possibly email you every now & then for SIX WHOLE WEEKS!" - "Oh, hi, it's me, wanna make out?" doesn't sound very encouraging.
posted by UbuRoivas at 8:22 PM on August 11, 2008
posted by UbuRoivas at 8:22 PM on August 11, 2008
It's your one precious life. It matters little what he thinks of you. He is a blip in the periphery of your rich existence. Rather, ask yourself - How do you feel about him? You are in charge.
It took me years to realize that I wasted entirely too much of my youth worried about what guys thought of me. Whatever they were thinking, it was more about them than about me.
You are young, beautiful, free. Spread your wings and enjoy the flight.
posted by ebellicosa at 8:29 PM on August 11, 2008 [19 favorites]
It took me years to realize that I wasted entirely too much of my youth worried about what guys thought of me. Whatever they were thinking, it was more about them than about me.
You are young, beautiful, free. Spread your wings and enjoy the flight.
posted by ebellicosa at 8:29 PM on August 11, 2008 [19 favorites]
The reality is, you have no idea what's going on with him, so it's not worth it to invent stories. (You could imagine that he hated the hook-up, that his love for you is so intense he got scared and ran away, that there was a family emergency, and so on.) While I can completely understand that it's not fun to discover that someone didn't have the same idea about what was going on as you do, if you feel bad when you discover that you made out with someone outside the context of a secure relationship, you should probably make sure one exists before future hook-ups. And yeah, I'd refrain from calling.
posted by salvia at 8:39 PM on August 11, 2008
posted by salvia at 8:39 PM on August 11, 2008
I'm with Scody and Orthogonality on this one.
I've been the person who doesn't call, and there can be all kinds of reasons — I'm just not that into it; I'm really embarrassed that I even kissed you; work is keeping me really busy this week and I keep meaning to phone but somehow I never get around to it; there's a family emergency that takes all my attention; I just met someone I like a whole lot better; and on and on.
Trust me, though, if I met someone whom I was really into, I'd find a way to communicate, regardless of what life throws in my path. No communication is usually a pretty clear signal of "I have other priorities right now."
You'll probably never know exactly why the contact stopped, unless you talk to him and he is feeling honest. The important point, though, is that for whatever reason, he can't or doesn't want to or care enough to be giving you the kind of attention you are hoping for at this time. Where he is right now is not where you wanted him to be, but that doesn't mean that you are "pathetic," "neurotic," or were "used for sex."
I mean, the writing was already on the wall about him not being all that into communicating with you, and you hopefully extracted some enjoyment from the sex yourself. The self-flagellation isn't pretty, and doesn't help.
posted by Forktine at 9:12 PM on August 11, 2008 [6 favorites]
I've been the person who doesn't call, and there can be all kinds of reasons — I'm just not that into it; I'm really embarrassed that I even kissed you; work is keeping me really busy this week and I keep meaning to phone but somehow I never get around to it; there's a family emergency that takes all my attention; I just met someone I like a whole lot better; and on and on.
Trust me, though, if I met someone whom I was really into, I'd find a way to communicate, regardless of what life throws in my path. No communication is usually a pretty clear signal of "I have other priorities right now."
You'll probably never know exactly why the contact stopped, unless you talk to him and he is feeling honest. The important point, though, is that for whatever reason, he can't or doesn't want to or care enough to be giving you the kind of attention you are hoping for at this time. Where he is right now is not where you wanted him to be, but that doesn't mean that you are "pathetic," "neurotic," or were "used for sex."
I mean, the writing was already on the wall about him not being all that into communicating with you, and you hopefully extracted some enjoyment from the sex yourself. The self-flagellation isn't pretty, and doesn't help.
posted by Forktine at 9:12 PM on August 11, 2008 [6 favorites]
Best answer: He's either burying his head in the sand or trying to bury you and walk away... but a month of dating strikes me as kind of a lot to devote to one quick fuck... so either he's breaking this off deliberately and jerkishly or he's having a bad relationship moment. If the latter isn't a dealbreaker for you, if you can live with a feller who occasionally goes MIA or non-responsive, and hasn't yet learned to communicate better than this, then I would write him another short, sweet text, to the effect of "hey, dunno why you've not been in touch, but plz feel free to call me again sometime. we can see where it leads, xo" because then he can be a little accountable to you and you can decide if it's worth the worry. Be ready to forgive, be ready to walk away.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 9:34 PM on August 11, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 9:34 PM on August 11, 2008 [1 favorite]
Chances are at some point he decided he didn't want a committed relationship with you, however you want to perceive that. Maybe he never did or maybe it took time for him to realize that.
All the hand-wringing men and sympathetic women going out of their way to call this guy a douchebag where completely unnecessary to answering the question, without knowing a single thing about him... wow, give me a break. Stretching your view to empathize with the poster and then filtering what you say through that isn't helping anyone, put the gavels away already.
posted by rob paxon at 9:37 PM on August 11, 2008 [1 favorite]
All the hand-wringing men and sympathetic women going out of their way to call this guy a douchebag where completely unnecessary to answering the question, without knowing a single thing about him... wow, give me a break. Stretching your view to empathize with the poster and then filtering what you say through that isn't helping anyone, put the gavels away already.
posted by rob paxon at 9:37 PM on August 11, 2008 [1 favorite]
Was I just cynically used for sex?
The phrasing of your question implies that you think two people having sex once and then not pursuing the relationship means you're being "used". He could certainly have been more upfront about replying to your messages, I agree. But you need to be aware that the view of casual sex and short-term relationships that is implied by your question is very far from universally held. It may not be how you want to conduct your sex life — that, of course, is entirely up to you — but you will only make yourself unnecessarily extra-miserable if you imagine that people who do embrace this aspect of relationships are doing so out of contempt for the other person.
posted by game warden to the events rhino at 4:42 AM on August 12, 2008 [5 favorites]
The phrasing of your question implies that you think two people having sex once and then not pursuing the relationship means you're being "used". He could certainly have been more upfront about replying to your messages, I agree. But you need to be aware that the view of casual sex and short-term relationships that is implied by your question is very far from universally held. It may not be how you want to conduct your sex life — that, of course, is entirely up to you — but you will only make yourself unnecessarily extra-miserable if you imagine that people who do embrace this aspect of relationships are doing so out of contempt for the other person.
posted by game warden to the events rhino at 4:42 AM on August 12, 2008 [5 favorites]
Sex is sex, nothing more and nothing less. It's true relationships come out of sex, but then again the two consenting adults may simply part ways. It seems like you've got more emotions invested in this than may be necessary.
I agree with orthogonality and game warden to the events rhino (interesting name btw).
The notion of relationship == sex is not necessary flawed, but unhealthy and generally supported by the prude nature of United States citizens to believe that promiscuity is an evil and that only sluts and whores sleep with men only once.
What you should do is just don't bother with him again and see if he comes around. Assuming the sex was ok, you had a great time. So don't turn that into something horrible by thinking too much about it.
I suffer from a similar problem where I over analyze anything a girl tells me. It usually complicates things and fucks up my life. So instead I just take things as they go and dictate the status of all of my relationships by other people because I see keeping an open mind and keeping the ball in their court saves me from any aggravation.
And if that doesn't work, get you and your girlfriends together, dress up and hit up the bar. Ego boosts work wonders.
posted by thebreaks at 5:51 AM on August 12, 2008
I agree with orthogonality and game warden to the events rhino (interesting name btw).
The notion of relationship == sex is not necessary flawed, but unhealthy and generally supported by the prude nature of United States citizens to believe that promiscuity is an evil and that only sluts and whores sleep with men only once.
What you should do is just don't bother with him again and see if he comes around. Assuming the sex was ok, you had a great time. So don't turn that into something horrible by thinking too much about it.
I suffer from a similar problem where I over analyze anything a girl tells me. It usually complicates things and fucks up my life. So instead I just take things as they go and dictate the status of all of my relationships by other people because I see keeping an open mind and keeping the ball in their court saves me from any aggravation.
And if that doesn't work, get you and your girlfriends together, dress up and hit up the bar. Ego boosts work wonders.
posted by thebreaks at 5:51 AM on August 12, 2008
tough to tell without knowing him, you and having a general impression of the situation beyond your description. 'used' is a harsh word, indicating you did something you didn't really want to. I wonder if you really mean it that way.
he sounds like a flake to me and an opportunist but again, what do I know. only someone knowing you both might be able to hazard a real guess.
posted by krautland at 6:42 AM on August 12, 2008
he sounds like a flake to me and an opportunist but again, what do I know. only someone knowing you both might be able to hazard a real guess.
posted by krautland at 6:42 AM on August 12, 2008
1. You were together for a month, then apart for six weeks. Then you met up again. That's straight-up awkward timing.
2. He said he's sick. He might actually be sick. He might be getting over being sick and not mentally/emotionally rested enough to say what's going on with him. (It's possible.)
If I were feeling pessimistic, I'd go with UbuRovias's interpretation. (But then, "out of the country" could mean you may have seemed inaccessible to him. It's tough to say.) I'm inclined to agree with game warden for the events rhino; more details necessary.
posted by kittyprecious at 7:40 AM on August 12, 2008
2. He said he's sick. He might actually be sick. He might be getting over being sick and not mentally/emotionally rested enough to say what's going on with him. (It's possible.)
If I were feeling pessimistic, I'd go with UbuRovias's interpretation. (But then, "out of the country" could mean you may have seemed inaccessible to him. It's tough to say.) I'm inclined to agree with game warden for the events rhino; more details necessary.
posted by kittyprecious at 7:40 AM on August 12, 2008
I'm going to be contrary and say that he owes you an explanation and that you should continue to try to get one. I know it's cool nowadays to be so blasé about sex, as though it's a simple exchange of services, and that "maturity" entails seeing sex this way and getting over any emotions or hangups about the process or anything involved in the process. I challenge this.
This is what I believe: I believe that if you put your dick in someone, you should be comfortable enough with that person, and respect that person enough, to give an honest and candid explanation as to why you don't want to see that person anymore. Maybe this boy is dead in a gutter somewhere, or maybe he was abducted by aliens, or maybe he is off having a fugue--but the most likely explanation is that he is avoiding you after explicitly telling you that you'd meet again in a few days. "Leaving the court" if he doesn't call you back is letting him get away with it. I think you should resign yourself to not being this person's girlfriend, but also don't let him get away with treating you poorly. Get an explanation. The matter will be closed, and he will feel like a dick, and maybe will put more thought into his actions next time around.
A few years ago, a boy I dated for about half a year--now referred to as "the worst person in the world"--broke up with me by avoiding me. He didn't do it to be mean. He just was incapable of handling any sort of direct conflict and it was easier for him to ignore his phone and pretend like we never even were together. I eventually got my explanation, but it was like pulling teeth. It was surely pleasurable screaming at him though, and I'm glad I didn't let him get away with how he treated me.
I don't think your boy is doing this to be mean, either. He is just emotionally lazy and not wont to handle an awkward talk. But he owes you that awkward talk, and if I were you, I'd make him participate in it.
posted by millipede at 8:12 AM on August 12, 2008 [2 favorites]
This is what I believe: I believe that if you put your dick in someone, you should be comfortable enough with that person, and respect that person enough, to give an honest and candid explanation as to why you don't want to see that person anymore. Maybe this boy is dead in a gutter somewhere, or maybe he was abducted by aliens, or maybe he is off having a fugue--but the most likely explanation is that he is avoiding you after explicitly telling you that you'd meet again in a few days. "Leaving the court" if he doesn't call you back is letting him get away with it. I think you should resign yourself to not being this person's girlfriend, but also don't let him get away with treating you poorly. Get an explanation. The matter will be closed, and he will feel like a dick, and maybe will put more thought into his actions next time around.
A few years ago, a boy I dated for about half a year--now referred to as "the worst person in the world"--broke up with me by avoiding me. He didn't do it to be mean. He just was incapable of handling any sort of direct conflict and it was easier for him to ignore his phone and pretend like we never even were together. I eventually got my explanation, but it was like pulling teeth. It was surely pleasurable screaming at him though, and I'm glad I didn't let him get away with how he treated me.
I don't think your boy is doing this to be mean, either. He is just emotionally lazy and not wont to handle an awkward talk. But he owes you that awkward talk, and if I were you, I'd make him participate in it.
posted by millipede at 8:12 AM on August 12, 2008 [2 favorites]
You have some truth that you believe about yourself and you are using this boy to confirm it.
posted by desjardins at 9:07 AM on August 12, 2008
posted by desjardins at 9:07 AM on August 12, 2008
Was I just cynically used for sex?
Insuffcient data for meaningful answer.
Speculating on why is useless. The question is what do you do?
A lover is like a shadow, if you follow it you cannot catch it, if you fly from it, it follows you.
posted by Ironmouth at 10:03 AM on August 12, 2008
Insuffcient data for meaningful answer.
Speculating on why is useless. The question is what do you do?
A lover is like a shadow, if you follow it you cannot catch it, if you fly from it, it follows you.
posted by Ironmouth at 10:03 AM on August 12, 2008
Response by poster: thanks for the advice guys. i think i was a little over-dramatic in my phrasing- i'm totally ok with non-relationship sex, but i hope that anyone i have sex with will at least have the decency to return my calls- even if it's just to say that they're busy or not that into it anymore. i also thought i was generally more promiscuous then Boy, so i guess his behavior surprised me. but i feel a lot less desire to call him a coward over his voicemail- so thanks again!
posted by genmonster at 12:30 PM on August 12, 2008
posted by genmonster at 12:30 PM on August 12, 2008
i hope that anyone i have sex with will at least have the decency to return my calls
Not totally unreasonable as an expectation.
But in your question, you wrote:
he was crappy about staying in touch while I was gone
Meaning, it was pretty clear that he didn't have the decency to return your calls before you had sex. Why were you surprised when this did not magically change, post-hookup?
Your expectations are not unreasonable, but your expectations of this guy were, given his previous behavior. People behave as they are, not as we would like them to be.
posted by Forktine at 1:14 PM on August 12, 2008 [1 favorite]
Not totally unreasonable as an expectation.
But in your question, you wrote:
he was crappy about staying in touch while I was gone
Meaning, it was pretty clear that he didn't have the decency to return your calls before you had sex. Why were you surprised when this did not magically change, post-hookup?
Your expectations are not unreasonable, but your expectations of this guy were, given his previous behavior. People behave as they are, not as we would like them to be.
posted by Forktine at 1:14 PM on August 12, 2008 [1 favorite]
Mod note: few comments removed, answers that are not addressing the OP need to go to memail or metatalk
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 2:13 PM on August 12, 2008
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 2:13 PM on August 12, 2008
Was I just cynically used for sex?
Was he just cynically being offered sex for a relationship?
There were no contracts established beforehand, so you weren't being used or cheated. Perhaps talk of a future relationship (and current activities) were offered as an implied benefits, but - you are an adult, and you weren't used any more than he was.
Give up this "defiled victim" mentality. Take responsibility for your own decisions, and move on if they don't produce the results you desire.
posted by IAmBroom at 12:37 PM on August 13, 2008
Was he just cynically being offered sex for a relationship?
There were no contracts established beforehand, so you weren't being used or cheated. Perhaps talk of a future relationship (and current activities) were offered as an implied benefits, but - you are an adult, and you weren't used any more than he was.
Give up this "defiled victim" mentality. Take responsibility for your own decisions, and move on if they don't produce the results you desire.
posted by IAmBroom at 12:37 PM on August 13, 2008
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by doorsfan at 8:09 PM on August 11, 2008