Another go?
April 4, 2008 8:44 AM   Subscribe

After ending things with a girl a few months ago, I've come to my senses and want another chance. Should I try and how?

I had been dating this girl (let's call her June) for almost a month (we're in our mid 20s). Although we were dating exclusively, we hadn't made any promises of commitment or anything. Things were going very well despite the fact that we could only see each other about once a week. However, quite unexpectedly, I met someone else. We really struck a chord together and were spending lots of time together due to temporary work. I decided to pursue things with the new girl (April) and so ended things with June.

Unfortunately, things didn't work out with April. I suppose I jumped in too quickly and after getting to know her better, I found that we weren't really compatible. Several weeks have passed and I've been thinking about June. She's a really great girl and we got along well, and I feel that something could have developed, though I didn't really give it a chance.

My question is, if I would like to get into contact again with June to see if she's willing to give it another go (she's not currently dating), how do I go about doing so? And also, should I even try? How do you think she'd respond? I feel like sort of an asshat, to be honest.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (30 answers total)
Well, I'm probably the worst person to give advice on this situation, but I'm going to anyway.

You know her better than we do. Are you still on good terms? Is she angry at you?

It sounds like you were kind of an ass. A serious apology might go a long way.

Basically, what have you got to lose? Are you guys talking (saying "get into contact again" makes it sounds like you're not) and if you aren't, would contacting her impact you negatively in any way?

If you're nice about it, apologise and ask to try again, you're not being inherently offensive. Just be well prepared for a rejection.
posted by Magnakai at 8:55 AM on April 4, 2008

She'll either tell you to shove it, or she'll be receptive.

It entirely depends how you dealt with breaking it off in the first place. I'm not sure anyone can give you advice other than 'call her/go and see her" and her reaction will entirely depend on your past actions.
posted by Brockles at 8:55 AM on April 4, 2008

I would tell her exactly that. "I feel like an asshat, you are a great girl, and I'd like another chance." Might as well. If a guy admitted that he had made a mistake (provided that he didn't burn bridges), I would give it due consideration, depending on how I felt about him.
posted by bolognius maximus at 8:55 AM on April 4, 2008

As a girl, any guy that tried this on me would get a cold reception. You left her for someone else, it didn't work out, so now you want another chance? That more than a little insulting to "June". If it were me, the trust would simply not be there. You should really ask yourself, "Would this happen again, should another hot girl come on to me?" The answer is probably "yes".
posted by nikksioux at 9:11 AM on April 4, 2008 [5 favorites]

Also, if you felt that "something could have developed" why did you go for someone else in the first place?
posted by nikksioux at 9:12 AM on April 4, 2008

how do I go about doing so?

It totally depends on how you ended things with June AND how she reacted. However those details were left out, so if you really want advice, it would help if you email the mods via the contact link at the bottom of the page and flesh out the story.

But overall, I'd say go for it. You only live once and a definitive answer is better than regrets. Take a chance and don't fuck it up this time.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 9:33 AM on April 4, 2008

I can't imagine an apology working unless she's incredibly naive. You're only apologizing because you want something.

But even if it works, do you really want to be with her? You were eager to jump ship the moment you saw something shiny so early in your relationship with June, there's no reason to suspect that won't happen again... which really just means you don't want to be with her.

It sounds more like you just don't want to be alone.
posted by toomuchpete at 9:36 AM on April 4, 2008

Honesty is the best policy. Just recognize that June has every right to tell you to go fuck yourself, and that this is probably the most likely outcome.
posted by shadow vector at 9:42 AM on April 4, 2008

Tell her you made that you feel like an asshat and would like to see her again. See how it goes. What's the worst that could happen?
posted by Perplexity at 9:47 AM on April 4, 2008

It can't hurt to try, I suppose. Ask her to have a beverage with you, and then tell her. Don't make any excuses for yourself, but don't grovel either. Tell her you can understand if she doesn't want to try dating you again, and that if she is up for it she can set the pace at which you proceed. Be prepared for her to say no, politely or otherwise. If she does say no, say you're sorry but that you understand, and then bow out of her life.
posted by orange swan at 9:51 AM on April 4, 2008

Mod note: Followup from anonymous

I wanted to add to my original post that June and I had ended things on good terms. I told her honestly the reason why things weren't going to work out (that I'd met someone else) and that I really enjoyed spending time with her and I was really sorry. She took it very well, said she understood, and we even hung out a few days later as we originally had plans to attend this event (it went well, slightly awkward at first). It's been weeks, though, since we last spoke.
posted by cortex (staff) at 9:57 AM on April 4, 2008

She took it very well, said she understood

Flowers, chocolate and apology for being stupid and not realizing how great she is.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 10:04 AM on April 4, 2008

You could always do the classic awkward "start to frequent places she frequents" so you can coincidentally bump into her. From there you'll be able to gauge her interest in you without forcing the issue.

To be honest though, I'd say you're out of luck. If you really like this girl, you might be best served to try becoming friends first. Then see what happens down the road. If you go to her with the purpose of starting a relationship again it's going to seem pretty self-centered. If you can say to her honestly, "You're a cool person, as such I want to hang out with you" and not have an ulterior motive you're going to have a better shot at getting the egg off your face.
posted by ictow at 10:17 AM on April 4, 2008

People make mistakes and they can be corrected, usually. You want to try to be clear on what you really want. While toomuchpete's advice may be blunt, he has a great point. If you are not honestly sure what you want -- and you may think you're being honest with yourself when you're rationalizing -- then think really hard about whether you're setting yourself up to hurt June again.
posted by tcv at 10:19 AM on April 4, 2008

You went out once a week for less than a month? That barely qualifies as dating. Just invite her to something neutral and see if the vibe tends toward friendliness or future-dating-ness. The more I think about it, the weirder is seems to me that so many of us (I count myself here) attempt to form relationships with people we don't already consider friends.

It sounds more like you just don't want to be alone.

posted by kittyprecious at 10:20 AM on April 4, 2008 [1 favorite]

You dated for "almost a month" and saw each other "about once a week." Therefore, you had approximately four dates. That's not very much of anything. She probably wasn't devastated, and in fact it sounds like she took it fine based on your description. So just pursue her as you would normally, as if you never were really together (since that's pretty close to reality anyway!). If she has the negative reaction that some of the answerers are predicting, then at least you know you tried it and it didn't work. If you don't try, you can only wonder if it would have worked.
posted by jejune at 10:39 AM on April 4, 2008 [1 favorite]

If you are really interested in her, then go for it. Just make sure you really want to try it and are serious about her, at least a little bit. Otherwise you will be making a bigger hat out of yourself.
posted by sully75 at 11:22 AM on April 4, 2008

Being single for a while might impart some valuable insight on the "grass is always greener" phenomenon.
posted by nanojath at 11:28 AM on April 4, 2008

Don't do it. You might find someone else you enjoy spending time with in the next couple weeks. Then you'll feel extra-bad about breaking it off with the second-stringer again; you might even decide not to break it off because you don't want to dump her twice. What if you then realized the new enjoyable someone-else was The One, but you had saddled yourself with Number Two out of kindness? Will Number Two ever understand why you've come to resent her so? It's better not to trap yourself; just move on.
posted by breezeway at 12:23 PM on April 4, 2008 [1 favorite]

My suggestion would be to have her go out drinking with you and then (after you both have a few cocktails) confess to her that you still have feelings for her. If she is not turned off by this, tell her you realize you screwed up and hope that she might give you another chance one day. You can open the door but you cant make her walk in...
posted by ro50 at 1:12 PM on April 4, 2008

I'm not sure it would be a very nice thing to do to her."Well, April and I didn't work out, so it looks like you're back in first place!"
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 1:24 PM on April 4, 2008 [1 favorite]

Just tell her. Have a second shirt standing by for when she throws a drink on you. On the other hand, if you give up without trying, you'll always wonder.
posted by ctmf at 1:47 PM on April 4, 2008

Everyone above is pretty much correct.

You're seeing this: June, I totally messed up.. I thought I knew what I wanted, but what I really want is you! Will you come back to me?

What we, and she, will likely see is that you saw greener grass and more fertile pastures elsewhere. You made an irrevocable choice. You didn't cheat on her, but you did leave her outright. If she KNOWS that you left her for another girl, you might be fucked.

You're basically rolling the dice trying to get back with April. It might be a good exercise and seems like it is already becoming a good learning experience. Obviously you want to find the right person, so leaving well enough alone isn't always the right choice. But sometimes it is.
posted by crunch buttsteak at 1:49 PM on April 4, 2008

And upon second read-through, breezeway brings up another good point.
posted by crunch buttsteak at 2:04 PM on April 4, 2008

My suggestion would be to have her go out drinking with you and then (after you both have a few cocktails) confess to her that you still have feelings for her.

Are you kidding?

Please don't get the girl drunk, and then prey on her emotions. That's fucked up.
posted by nikksioux at 2:04 PM on April 4, 2008 [2 favorites]

I would just hang out with her on a regular basis. Just say you missed her.

Give it a couple of weeks of hanging out, and then say that you'd like to try again. I wouldn't make a big deal of apologizing or what-not.
posted by zia at 2:05 PM on April 4, 2008

Never miss a second chance at love. Circumstances of contact can't be known by us, but I've found the most effective way of wooing is to think of what it is that you like about her specifically and let her know it, with detail and confidence.*

*note: if answer is "nice rack" don't do this.
posted by Ironmouth at 2:24 PM on April 4, 2008

It's funny I was recently "June", but without the April (well maybe there was an April who knows it's all rather unclear), but basically things just totally fizzled out several months ago, then he came up to me at a party and apologized, said he had been a total idiot, on and on for like 40 minutes.

I really had no idea what to say to him, I wasn't angry or anything and told him that, and eventually I agreed to go for a coffee with him (he never called, go figure after all that). To be honest after several months, I was totally over him and I was pretty indifferent to the idea of seeing him again. I had liked him initially, but I certainly wasn't head over heels, maybe if I had been I would have been more receptive about giving him a second chance, but to be honest for the whole situation was just like why bother?
posted by whoaali at 3:30 PM on April 4, 2008


On second read, my comment could be seen as abusive but that was not my intent. I am not suggesting he prey on her or anyone else's emotions. I just felt that in that situation, lowered inhibitions could increase the flow of communication. My bad..
posted by ro50 at 1:03 PM on April 7, 2008

The more I think about it, the weirder is seems to me that so many of us (I count myself here) attempt to form relationships with people we don't already consider friends.

Just returning to this thread a week later to say this is one of the best things I ever read on AskMe. It hit me between the eyes, it's been on my mind ever since I read it, and I'm going to change my own approach to dating because of it.

I'll change my original advice (like the OP will ever read it now, but oh well) to say, try to make friends with this girl. You don't know here, so get to know her. Let things take their course. In a few months' time you'll either have a new friend or a girlfriend — or realize she isn't what you thought and there's nothing to regret. Now that's win-win.
posted by orange swan at 6:05 AM on April 14, 2008

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