Anal on Saturday night, how to prepare Friday or Saturday?
January 9, 2008 3:09 PM   Subscribe

I'm going to have anal sex, for the first time, on Saturday night! What do I do on Friday night or Saturday morning?

I'm a girl and my partner's a guy. I've never had anal before, but he has a lot of experience, and we've been doing a lot of play together. I've also read a lot of guides. So I'm not asking any questions that can be answered with "more lube, more patience." There's the long-term prep you do over the course of months -- fingering, gradually working your way up -- and the short-term prep over the course of an hour -- massages, rimming, relaxing more. What I'm asking about is the medium-term prep -- a day or two.

Basically, this time, cleanliness is a priority for me. On my own, I have no trouble handling my waste. But I really, really want to prevent any appearance of feces (or even of santorum) when my partner's present. I know total prevention may be impossible, so let's say I'd like to minimize it. My partner is knows what he's getting into, and he definitely will be cool with it, so it's really for my sake -- it's my first time having anal sex and I'd really like it not to end with shit everywhere.

I'm confident I can get the bottom 3-4" of my digestive tract -- as far as our fingers reach -- to be squeaky clean. We've tested that more than enough, and never come up with a trace. But I'm concerned about the next 4-5" inches, because that's how deep his penis is going to go (yes really, we've measured him). I'm not at all sure that when I clean myself out in the shower, I'm cleaning out the feces stored 7-8" inside me.

To clean myself, I just wait until I'm in the shower and use my hands. It works better than an enema in the shallow range. I don't think an enema could work any deeper, either, because of all the twists and turns. So for what I can reach, I'm happy sticking with what's worked so far. It's the rest of my digestive tract I'm concerned about.

Basically, I think this is what I want to do:
- eat a lot of fiber (and drink a lot of water?)
- shit my heart out Saturday morning
- not eat afterwards
- wash up Saturday afternoon
- have anal Saturday late afternoon/evening/night
- have a late dinner Saturday night
- go on with normal routine Sunday morning and onwards.

So assuming this plan sounds good to you, when do I eat all this fiber? I want my digestive tract empty as of Saturday afternoon, so do I eat this fiber Friday night? Saturday morning? How fast does it work? I really don't want to take it Saturday morning and have it kick in Saturday night, you know?

And what form should the fiber be in? Soluble? Insoluble? I'd rather eat real food, but if pills will work better, that's okay too. I feel like fiber is probably a better plan than laxatives, though.

After my first time, I plan to get a lot more casual about this, probably just cleaning the way I do for anal play now. I want to assure you that I'm not totally hung up on the first time must be perfect -- Saturday isn't a meaningful date (anniversary, etc.), we've already put it off once or twice, we completely expect me to queef and him to trip and us both to misunderstand each other and bonk heads and have to stop while we laugh. We've done all of that before, and there aren't any rose-petal illusions about this. If we run into some feces, he's not going to do more than shrug.

But I'd really prefer not to, this one time. So just once, I do want to take extraordinary effort to clean out the bottom 8" or so of my digestive tract.
posted by anonymous to Health & Fitness (29 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite

Sounds like you're going to be well prepared. If you want to be 100% sure, do the enema (thats what the porn chicks do before anal scenes).
posted by softlord at 3:20 PM on January 9, 2008

From what I've read, most porn actresses go the enema route the night before.
posted by Astro Zombie at 3:20 PM on January 9, 2008

They go the entire time (from the night before) without eating? Yeesh, no wonder they look, and act, hungry.
posted by SeizeTheDay at 3:29 PM on January 9, 2008

I've seen fasting advocated by anal play advocates. Have you thought about adding to your plan a modified diet on Friday, maybe Thursday too? You don't have to starve yourself, but you could stick to juices, soups, smoothies and other foods that will have, uh, keep things moving. It doesn't matter how much fiber you consume Friday night, if you've had three meat/potato/veg meals a day on Wed/Thurs/Fri.

I would also third the enema. An enema can indeed work much deeper if you use it fully and properly and be patient.
posted by Emergency AskMe Sockpuppet at 3:34 PM on January 9, 2008

Got a dildo? (One with a flared base, so you don't run the risk of getting it lost in there.) If you can insert it all the way with no discomfort, your muscles are well-prepared - I'm assuming you're ready for that already - and if it comes out clean, you'll be fine. It's very unlikely you'll have anything on the dipstick, and if you do it'll probably be nothing more than the tiniest turdniblet. Shit happens, to quote the cliche, but "shit everywhere" is very unlikely.

I'd do an enema that afternoon if you're that concerned about your anal hygiene, but it'd probably be more helpful for you to relax and prepare for the possibility, however slim, that it might be a little dirty, literally speaking. If you're worried about it, the sex isn't going to be as good for you or for him. Besides, he's already okay with it, and unless you're really flexible you're not going to be able to thoroughly investigate for poop while you guys are doing it.

I wouldn't recommend taking pills or overloading on the fiber, though a generally high-fiber diet for a few days wouldn't be a bad idea. Enema, dildo-check, and lots of relaxing.

I hope you have fun!
posted by Metroid Baby at 3:45 PM on January 9, 2008

Don't add fiber, for the love of God. Avoid any significant change in your diet. Fiber especially leads to gas and intestinal unpleasantry unless you're used to it. And eat lunch, just don't stuff yourself. You won't enjoy yourself if you're starving to death. For Christ's sake, this is supposed to be a fun activity, not a three day anal bootcamp. Ahem. Moving on.

Because of all the twists and turns, his dick will not go up 8 inches into your intestines (or whatever). It'll only go up until your intestines turn too much for it to go further. There will be no shit-covered anything. I PROMISE.

Afterward, go sit on the toilet and get rid of all the lube/semen/whatever. It will be there, some of it will be brown, he won't see it, but if you don't get rid of it it'll leak everywhere.
posted by sondrialiac at 5:06 PM on January 9, 2008 [1 favorite]

Do you get firey poops or diarrhea from certain foods? Don't eat them. For instance, I know I probably shouldn't eat super spicy food the night before. JalapeƱos, etc. Ban them for a day.
posted by nursegracer at 5:14 PM on January 9, 2008 [1 favorite]

I've realized that I should say more, because seeing that others have suggested fasting is really irritating me.

In my not so humble opinion, fasting is idiotic, especially if you're in a situation where you can clean yourself out in the shower or whatever. For their health, I would never suggest that any of my bottoms fast, or take poppers, or do anything else that might compromise their health or well-being, just so we could have a certain type of sex.

I would be irritated if I heard that they had done something like that, and probably would avoid anal sex with them because it can feel intense, I need them to be fully mentally and emotionally "with it" so they can tell me what feels good and what doesn't feel good, and finally, having someone faint on my dick isn't really my thing.
posted by sondrialiac at 5:17 PM on January 9, 2008

Just have a shower beforehand. You're really over thinking this. If you're this worried going into this I can't imagine how comfortable you'll be during.
posted by purephase at 5:22 PM on January 9, 2008 [2 favorites]

Ditto purephase. Shower beforehand- maybe transition into an erotic bath? In my experience, this is a relatively easy and very fun thing to do that can be totally overthought. Be open and accepting and relaxed. Neither of you should put pressure on for it to happen. Experiment with different positions, different sensations, and move from there. If you're not comfortable or anxious about this, it won't be fun or comfortable and you won't want to do it again.
posted by arnicae at 5:28 PM on January 9, 2008

Adding one more vote to the over thinking. The stigma is way worse than the reality - you don't have a secret, fully loaded monster-turd hiding around the corner just out of reach of your finger. Seriously.

Shower, relax. BumPoke. Shower after. Done.
posted by Brockles at 5:37 PM on January 9, 2008 [8 favorites]

Just cleaning yourself in the shower is not enough to make sure you'll be clean, given the level of sensitivity you've expressed in your post. You'll also want to take a medium-sized enema, or possibly two, while you're getting ready for your date.

Make this experience as pleasurable and soothing as possible for yourself. A modest volume of warm water, delivered with gentle pressure, can be actually be quite an agreeable experience. You can combine it with a shower -- in fact, the biggest anal sex enthusiasts I know have a nozzle attached to a flexible hose on their shower fixture. By all means avoid any cramping or discomfort (unless, of course, you find that hot). If in doubt, don't increase the volume -- just repeat the experience. Several small enemas, held only as long as comfortable, will clean you out just fine.

Don't fast, for heaven's sake -- you want to keep your strength up for your anal adventures! Don't eat a bunch of fiber -- as sondrialiac says, you run the risk of upsetting your intestinal balance. Do drink a lot of water, just on general principles.

And don't worry so much. Worrying makes your butt tight. Breathe instead -- that is the real secret to anal ecstasy.
posted by ottereroticist at 5:48 PM on January 9, 2008

Nthing everyone else. You're being, well, awfully anal about it. I say just relax, and let the good times roll.
posted by uaudio at 6:29 PM on January 9, 2008 [2 favorites]

There is a second sphincter. This one usually keeps poop away from the one that is actually the "exit" until you go to the bathroom. This is why anal sex usually isn't very "shitty." And this is why all the prep isn't usually that necessary.

However, if your partner is long, it could hurt if it gets "tapped."
posted by Maias at 6:33 PM on January 9, 2008

the more you obsess about this stuff the less fun you'll have -- it's only fucking, for chrissakes, not a NASA space mission or climbing the Everest. you sound like you're preparing for anal sex on Mars.

really, calm down. do it when you feel like it and relax. it's not like you need GPS, malaria pills and oxygen tanks. have fun.
posted by matteo at 6:56 PM on January 9, 2008 [6 favorites]

preparing for anal sex on Mars

Wasn't there something floating around the internet purporting to be from NASA, advocating anal intercourse on mixed-gender as(s)tronaut voyages? It might have even been on MeFi that I saw it, some months back.

You're overpreparing, really. Enema if you really want, don't eat anything weird that day (ie don't do the lots of fiber, if normally you eat otherwise) but limiting yourself to a light lunch isn't a bad idea (nor is it likely that skipping a meal would kill many of us, so if fasting makes you happy, no harm done). A glass or two of wine can help with the relaxing, but don't self-medicate to the point where you aren't 100% in control and aware of how things feel.

Sometimes, no matter how much you clean beforehand, right in the middle of things all that backdoor action will make you say "woah!" and run to the bathroom really fast to do some mid-sex pooping. Stuff happens, no big deal unless you make it a big deal. Have lots of washcloths or paper towels handy for hand-wiping (the lube gets everywhere), cleaning up messes, etc, and put on clean sheets before going to sleep that night.

Also, even if he has 8 huge inches of testosterone-fueled man sausage, not all those inches have to be inside you. It really depends on the position, but in a lot of situations he will run into your buttocks before he bottoms out as it were, leaving some space between his pelvis and your anus. And you can control this, by straightening out or curling up (assuming he is coming in from behind); if you are on top, you can just choose your own comfort; and if you are on your back, just arch or relax your back, plus raise or lower your legs.

And you probably know this from your previous research, but there are special anal sex lubes (more like butter, less like water) that really do work better for a lot of people. Buy several, and have fun experimenting.
posted by Forktine at 7:19 PM on January 9, 2008

Putting something like this in your calendar seems like it may not end up being very enjoyable. Why not get your partner to stick his penis in *just a little*, and then work your way up over successive encounters.
posted by KokuRyu at 7:20 PM on January 9, 2008 [1 favorite]

Ah ha, it was in an AskMe question, here. So if Saturday's experiment is to a high-altitude one, we've got you covered.
posted by Forktine at 7:33 PM on January 9, 2008

Planning anal sex.... what gives? This should all be spontaneous.

It's going to be painful and/or a chore if you are thinking about it like this.

It needs to be spontaneous and he should be getting you hot enough to the point where you are begging for it.
posted by wfc123 at 7:35 PM on January 9, 2008

You really don't need to schedule a whole weekend in advance, or eat any special diet pre-anal. As someone else upthread pointing out, a big shift could make you gassy and that totally ruins the mood.

You can't realistically clean out your "entire digestive tract" short of going the route of colonoscopy prepping. This involves a bit of fasting, a couple enemas, and drinking a foul salty drink that gives you nearly-projectile diarrhea for a few hours. Ask anyone who's had a colonoscopy... it's not the end of the world, but it's not fun.

As far as I know, not eating after Saturday morning will not prevent further poopage Saturday night. There's already partially processed food in your digestive tract, and it's going to go along its merry way whether you eat or not. As I see it, that part is unnecessary.

If you usually poop in the morning, do so. Don't strain yourself into a hemorrhoid doing it though. Try to poop again before your pre-sex shower. Use an enema then if you really want to. You could also try an anal "douche", available at adult stores. They're not quite as big volume-wise as a pharmacy enema. You just use tap water with them.

If you're concerned about "dirtying" him up, he can always wear a condom.
posted by CKmtl at 7:49 PM on January 9, 2008

You are over thinking this plate of beans.
Relax, and enjoy (or accommodate) the moment and don't worry about this stuff.
posted by caddis at 7:55 PM on January 9, 2008 [1 favorite]

If you don't mind sticking your fingers up there in the shower and scooping poo out (into the shower drain??), why not just have a towel handy and hop in the shower afterwards? Perfectionism has no place in the bedroom.

If you're doing this because you're hot to, in flagrante delicto you won't be arsed (heh) to deal with a little santorum, you'll be too busy screaming and holding on the the earth.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 9:16 PM on January 9, 2008

Caddis wrote: You are over thinking this plate of beans.

True enough, but it should probably be emphasised that eating a plate of beans beforehand is probably not going to do the OP any favours.
posted by tim_in_oz at 10:03 PM on January 9, 2008 [3 favorites]

There may be a little poop but only when he withdraws. Short of doing enemas there isn't much you can do about it. Sounds like you have everything under control (perhaps a little too under control). I would suggest having sex on a towel so if there is any poop it won't land on your bed.

And use a condom. Love him or not, trust him or not, STDs or not, his cock will be pretty vile after that journey. If you plan to do anything afterwards, the condom makes it a lot easier to clean up his parts.
posted by chairface at 10:14 PM on January 9, 2008

In case this helps, an article today on SFGate explains how the porns stars get and stay clean for anal scenes. Yep, enemas.
posted by otherwordlyglow at 9:26 AM on January 10, 2008

Taking too much fibre could give you gas and diarrhoea, and that will leave your bottom feeling unhappy and not in the mood for fun and games. Stick with warm water enemas, like everyone above is suggesting.
posted by happyturtle at 12:51 PM on January 10, 2008

Seconding the condom recommendation. However, if you choose to go without that, beware about sitting on the pot afterwards, straining to evacuate what he left. This can bring pain. I used to get very painful spasms doing that.
posted by Goofyy at 1:14 AM on January 11, 2008

This one usually keeps poop away from the one that is actually the "exit" until you go to the bathroom.

And from the active male side of the equation, I'd just like to say that I've been having anal sex for the last thirty years or so, and only once during that period have I ever seen shit on my dick after I've pulled it out.

My partners have never done anything to prepare for the anal sex. As Maias says, all the bad stuff is one storey up.

But if you're really, really worried about it, you could spend some time checking out 'two girls, one cup'. That would make any concerns that you have about any accidental traces of feces pale into insignificance by comparison. My own view is that any man who is *that* squicked by the possibility that he might get a little shit on his dick during the act shouldn't be doing it anyway.

And in order to demonstrate his commitment to your pleasure in this act, you might want to think about suggesting that he get you into the mood by a protracted bout of rimming before you lube up.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 8:47 AM on January 12, 2008 [1 favorite]

update from the OP
It's now Sunday night, and I know how AskMe loves updates, so here you go.

Thursday evening I had some extra fiber with dinner, so later Thursday night that cleaned out my digestive tract. I ate really lightly Friday, then did a dry run by showering and doing a few small enemas before giving it a shot with a small toy. For an hour afterward, I was farting water every few minutes, so I wasn't happy, but I seemed pretty clean so I thought it should work. I didn't eat Saturday, then before he came over in the afternoon (we're dating, not living together, hence the planning ahead), I showered and checked the situation. At first, I thought everything was fine, but bam, lurking turd way up there. A few small enemas later, I felt a little more confident, but not totally assured -- and besides, we still had a date to get through first.

I was really glad later that night, though, when all my work paid off. I went down on him for a long time, getting him as wet as possible, and then it only took about 30 seconds of rimming before he slid right in with no trouble and no pain -- and no mess then or later, either. He came inside me, but that wasn't problematic either -- he pulled out with a tissue ready, wiped off, and sent me to the bathroom. There was no santorum, probably because we didn't go for long and we didn't use commercial lube -- I'm amazed he totally ignored all the books' and guides' recommendations and it still turned out fine, I wasn't in any pain. I finally ate late Saturday night, and we were able to do it again Sunday afternoon with no more trouble than the first time.

Like I made very clear in my post, he's far from uptight about this. The reason I was asking about all this, and seemed uptight, wasn't because I wanted to look perfect in front of him or I wanted it to be perfect or I'm afraid of poop or anything. If anything happened, my attitude would be "oops, darn it, let me go clean up and we'll get right back into it." He made it clear beforehand, though, that he wasn't going to stop no matter how clean or dirty I was -- it's a natural bodily function, it's only to be expected, we must accept it, etc. He might be right, but if shit happens, I'd rather clean up quickly than plow through it without blinking, you know? I can probably get used to his attitude given time, but I didn't want to be faced with it my first time, so I decided the easiest way to deal was to sidestep the possibility of the difference of opinion.

For Ambrosia Voyeur and for the record, my bathroom's small enough that the toilet's right next to the shower!
posted by jessamyn at 6:45 PM on January 13, 2008 [1 favorite]

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