How would you assign numbers to the different types of human effluvia?

December 9, 2007 8:51 PM

How would you assign numbers to the different types of human effluvia?

We all know what "number one" and "number two" stand for. There is some precedent for referring to semen as "number three." What are some smart, memorable ways of numbering our other discharges: tears, sweat, earwax, saliva, breast milk, etc.?

Assume that the numbers might be used as a shorthand or code for privacy or obfuscation ("Cleanup number five on aisle seven").

The best answers will be suitable as mnemonics and be clever enough to seem obvious in retrospect. Example: #8 = vomit, because it's what you "ate." Creativity and memorability win here.

posted by Mapes to Grab Bag (16 answers total)

96 tears.
posted by user92371 at 9:09 PM on December 9, 2007

sweat = #5, as in "take 5" (I'm sweating so much, I need to take 5 to cool down)
posted by chara at 9:18 PM on December 9, 2007

vomit = – 8
menstrual blood = .
posted by mr. remy at 9:24 PM on December 9, 2007 [1 favorite]

or vomit = sicks
five = saliva
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 9:30 PM on December 9, 2007

Good lord! What kind of situations are you in that this can ever be useful? Math will never be the same for me.
posted by MasterShake at 10:12 PM on December 9, 2007 [1 favorite]

i like vomit = sicks better than 8.
8 should be breastmilk because the number 8 looks like boobies.
posted by twistofrhyme at 10:16 PM on December 9, 2007

I'm glad that the act of giving birth has not come to be known as "going number three."--Mefi's own Shadowkeeper.
posted by Pater Aletheias at 10:16 PM on December 9, 2007 [1 favorite]

What about (non-menstrual) blood? Or other things that we don't exude if we're in proper working order? Do they need numbers?
posted by hattifattener at 10:41 PM on December 9, 2007

Perhaps 9 for blood? As in, "oh dear lord there's blood on the floor, call 9-1-1!" Um, obviously I'd trim it back to just '9' to keep it a bit more discrete...
posted by zeph at 10:52 PM on December 9, 2007

This may be the oddest question I've ever read, but what the hell. It's like a puzzle now.

3 (or 33) = earwax - kind of looks like cartoon ears
4 = nose discharge (aka snot) - looks like a nose
6 = vomit - agree w/earlier answerers
7 = tears 7= T sort of (?)
8 = breast milk - agree with twistofrhyme because it made me laugh
54 = saliva 54 = SA sort of (?)
57 = sweat 57 = ST sort of (?)
100 = blood (figure it out yourself - it's tricky ;) )
posted by s77v at 10:58 PM on December 9, 2007

Not a number, but in my mind ..

! = Telogen effluvium
posted by dereisbaer at 3:23 AM on December 10, 2007

Scratch your head, and out comes a shower of dandruff.
"Scratch" can be equated to "nothing"
Zero is nothing, so:

Dandruff = 0
posted by BozoBurgerBonanza at 7:42 AM on December 10, 2007

I always thought of #3 as diarrhea (because it feels like it should be 1 plus 2), though maybe 1¹/₂ would be better for that. I'm seconding 6 for vomit and 8 for breast milk, too.

I feel like there should be something for blood based on how blood types sound, what with the "positive" and "negative", but I can't think of it offhand.
posted by wanderingmind at 11:14 AM on December 10, 2007

Blood = 0, as in type O.
posted by designbot at 11:23 AM on December 10, 2007

Well, there is the Bristol scale which has enabled me to cleanly classify certain items beyond the overly general, "zen moment" as a descriptor so now those numbers are in use.
posted by jadepearl at 11:58 AM on December 10, 2007 [1 favorite]

Earwax is clearly 7 (rhymes with Kevin).
posted by flabdablet at 11:23 PM on December 10, 2007