So this consultant walks into a bar...
November 19, 2007 7:19 AM   Subscribe

JokeFilter: Seeking a consultant joke heard about 5 years ago.

So sometime at my last job, 5-8 years ago, I heard what I remember as a pretty clever joke about consultants. Unfortunately, I can't remember much about it. I think the setup was a long story, not apparently related to a consultant, but in some other occupation. The joke peaked when someone said to the main character "You shouldn't call yourself a _______[whatever it was], you should call yourself a consultant." The main character asks why, and the punchline is something like "Because you came here knowing nothing about what you were talking about, told a bunch of people how to do what they already know how to do, left without solving any problems, and got paid for it."

Only, it was funny.

I realize this is a shot in the dark, but since it's the kind of thing that probably crops up in keynote addresses and corporate seminars from time to time, I'm hoping it rings a bell for someone. Thanks!
posted by Miko to Society & Culture (5 answers total) 27 users marked this as a favorite
Best answer: A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd... "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?" The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answered "sure".

The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM ThinkPad and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 130-page report on his miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep. "That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.

Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?", "OK, why not." answered the young man. "Clearly, you are a consultant." said the shepherd. "That's correct." says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business...... Now give me back my dog."
posted by Hugh2d2 at 7:25 AM on November 19, 2007 [27 favorites]

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man below says: "yes you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field." "You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist. "I do," replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone." The man below says, "You must work in Management". "I do" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
posted by growabrain at 8:25 AM on November 19, 2007 [10 favorites]

Response by poster: Lord amighty, six minutes. You guys are fantastic.
posted by Miko at 9:14 AM on November 19, 2007

The first time I heard growabrain's joke, it was an airplane pilot yelling out the window of the cockpit in a fog. The "technically correct but useless" answer told him everything he needed to know, because he knew where the IBM campus was in relation to the airport.
posted by Plutor at 11:54 AM on November 19, 2007

Yeah, when I heard it, it was the Microsoft campus. "You're in an airplane!"
posted by kindall at 1:20 PM on November 19, 2007

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