How can a young gay man from New York adjust to small-town life?

September 11, 2007 8:49 AM

How can a young gay man from New York adjust to small-town life?

I am a twenty-four-year-old guy who just moved from New York City, where I've lived for the past six years, to Ithaca, New York, to attend graduate school. There are times when I really, really hate it here. It's hard to get around without a car, and the food sucks. But most bothersome is the closeted, frat-boy nature of the environment. You can feel it when you walk around town/campus, and online, too many people want someone "discreet," or, worse, "discrete." I have been out of the closet for seven years and don't really have the patience for this.

I've only been in Ithaca for a month and a half, so maybe I will adjust. But anybody who's experienced moving from NY to a small town, or who's dealt with being gay (and, hopefully, trying to date) while in a small town, please help!

posted by fugitivefromchaingang to Society & Culture (16 answers total)

I got my undergrad degree at Cornell, moving there from Denver, and I'm now living in New York so I think I can relate a little bit to your situation. I'm not gay but did watch several friends work their way through the scene and, well, let me tell you that there is really no place except San Fran that compares to NY in that sense. You're entering Ithaca NY which is an extremely strange place if you're an outsider. I'm mexican and moving to upstate NY was very strange experience for me.

First off, things will get better but you need to learn a few things. Ithaca is a hippie haven. It can be extremely liberal, vegan, tolerant, and the two major colleges help create an extremely secular and oppressive liberal atmosphere in some parts of Ithaca. But Ithaca is still a small town located in a very conservative, white, republican, homogenous and poor rural backwater. The townies of Ithaca hate the two colleges for all the reasons people hate large colleges .: the students are pricks, the fact that the colleges own the town, the lack of economic stimulus without the colleges help, etc etc. Throw in an extremely poor surrounding community, cold winters, and the fact that Ithaca is cloudy and miserable from November through March, and you get a very interesting clash of cultures and societies.

With that said, here's some advice I can give you.

1) Avoid undergrads. There is a very large greek frat boy culture at Cornell and they are EVERYWHERE. If you dislike them, you need to avoid them. Don't go to frat parties, avoid the undergrad business school, and stay the hell away from the Long Island Girls who run rampant in college town. You're a graduate student so that should help.
2) Get involved with the actitives in your Graduate program. I use to work in several graduate research labs and I found the labs and the departments to be very social and friendly. They were always hanging out, organizing parties and get togethers and doing what they can to be social and inclusive. If you don't really like hippies and vegans, this might get annoying but hey, when in Rome, you've gotta deal with the Italians every once in awhile.
3) Get a bus pass. They're cheap and you can go everywhere with them. The buses don't run all night but they run often enough to make them useful.
4) if you can, buy a damn car or else befriend someone who has one. On the weekends, when you can, escape to Syracuse or any other big town around Ithaca. On long weekends, take the Greyhound back to New York. It's 60 bucks round trip (or less - I don't remember).
5) Keep repeating to yourself that Ithaca is not New York. Ithaca is not New York. There's a reason why half of the inner city kids from New York left Cornell after their freshman year - they weren't kicked out, they just couldn't stand living in the middle of nowhere.
6) The food is OK and can be very good but you have to know where to look. I haven't been back to Ithaca since 2005 so my information might be out of date but there's a great food in the Commons that compares to New York food (in my experience). The Tapas place, the Thai Place, Viva Canchina (the best canadian mexican food you'll ever fine), Lost Dog Cafe, Madelines (great desserts) are all good. D.P. Dough is perfect late-night-I-need-delivery greasy food. The Wings place in East Hill Plaza is also tasty. You're not going to get a lot of variety and amazing great food but remember that Ithaca is a town for 30,000 that doubles in size during the school year. NYC has 8 million people. You're only going to get so much out there.
7) I got very lucky and met a bunch of people with my racial background when I first arrived at Cornell. Whexicans, Mexicans, halfbreeds, cubans, puerto ricians, dominicans, Guatamalans, filipinos and the like became my core group. They were all like me - brown skin, far from where they grew up, and trying to stay culturally sane and intact while in the middle of White Republican / White Hippie Dippy Ville USA. I knew many people who would not have survived Cornell if they had not found that group during their first year there. I recommend becoming an active member of the LGBT group on campus. It might sound cheesy but you'll meet like minded people who can share in your experiences and you'll be able to get through adapting to a small town after spending most of your life in the big city.
8) One great thing about New York is the diversity and if you're missing that, realize that Cornell and Ithaca college are full of student groups that are cross many many cultures. From Hillel to the Filipino Assocation, all organizations promote cultural events filled with their foods, dances, and activies. It's pretty amazing and would help remind you of what it's like to walk through china town, little italy, the barrio or wherever you were in NYC.
9) If you're a nature lover, Ithaca is a beautiful town filled with waterfalls, trails, vineyards and everything else a hiker could ask for. It's beautiful up there especially during the summer. But if you're a city guy, well, NYC is only a 5 hour bus ride away. Ithaca isn't that far away.
posted by Stynxno at 9:26 AM on September 11, 2007 [1 favorite]

Cornell alum here too - i went to Ithaca after working for a few years and did my half of my undergrad and my grad degree there. I'm not from NYC, but i was in DC, Chicago, and New Orleans for about the four years previous, so Ithaca felt like an enormous culture shock that i didn't expect. I was out about the same time as styxno.

A few things to add or say:
1) Avoid the undergrads, and avoid Collegetown which is a drunken fratty mess. The better scene is in downtown ithaca if you're older. Go to the Big Red Barn for happy hours and the like.
2) I'm pretty sure you've checked out Haven, and you might check out Mosaic as well (if you're gay and of color)
3) Depending on your living situation, or food situation, you might look into hanging out or going to some of the cooperatives on campus, even just for the meal plan.
4) Shortline runs down to NYC like 8 times a day. Also, check the Cornell RideBoard, and you can always share rides with people for less.
5) The bus system is pretty good. Use it.
6) Do you live downtown? grad housing? I would avoid some of Cornell's grad housing (Hasbrouck), it's far, far away. Some of the other grad housing is closer in, though.
7) Ithaca has a very active community that does a lot of stuff outside of the university. Do check that out. It's also not as provinicial of a town as you may think - so many people there are professionals not from the area. I do agree with stynxno in regards to the class conflict that can go on in Ithaca.
8) Cornell IS huge - and there are tons of organizations that you can get involved with, a lot of which have grad students involved as well. Check them out!
posted by jare2003 at 10:51 AM on September 11, 2007

Oh, come on! Ithaca is a fantastic place to live. The gay men's scene is a little smaller than one would expect given how liberal the town is, but really: there's so much to like about Ithaca. Where are you living? (Hint: live downtown) Where do you hang out? (Hint: try Gimme; other things have probably changed since I was there last) The Common Ground is probably too obvious to mention, but I'll mention it anyway. Have you been checking out Cornell Cinema? other non-academic things that grad students do? Previous posts have had some things to say about Ithaca; there are more too. Go find things you like to do at Cornell or downtown, and there will be people your age who are fun and good. You've only been there for a very short time. Give it a chance.

Re: clash of cultures. This is true, but also SO many people who live downtown are affiliated with the university in one way or another that there's a third group of well-educated very liberal adults (in addition to the undergrads and the native upstate dwellers). Those well-educated very liberal adults are well-connected to each other -- so once you start to make some friends, they will quickly introduce you to a lot of related folks.
posted by LobsterMitten at 11:41 AM on September 11, 2007

If you like indie music, check out the Fanclub Collective and No Radio Records. The guys who run No Radio also do dance parties monthly (at Korova? Castaways? upstairs in the Chanticleer?) of, for example, The Smiths vs. The Cure and Beatles vs. Stones. A good time.
posted by LobsterMitten at 11:47 AM on September 11, 2007

The upshot is: to make new friends and find a life there, you need to go out and do things where the people you want to meet can see you. (Eg Farmer's Market, coffeeshop, dance parties, club events, sports leagues) Once they've seen you a few times, then it will be natural to start talking, and from there you will get introductions to other friends etc. This is also the way to find the gay dudes who are comfortable with themselves. (You're right that Cornell undergrads especially are indeed very conservative - and grad school tends to make people nervous about self-disclosure especially at the beginning... so try to get away from places that are only undergrads or nervous grads in your own department.)

Isn't this how to make friends in NYC too?
posted by LobsterMitten at 11:52 AM on September 11, 2007

i'm not trying to cast a totally negative view on Ithaca, lobstermitten! But it was a bit of an adjustment.

I will say that for a city of 25,000 or so (plus more in the suburbs), Ithaca has an incredible amount of stuff going on, both associated with Cornell and going on outside.

Do check out all the fun stuff mentioned above. Farmer's Market, all the fantastic bookstores, Greenstar Grocery, Cornell Cinema, and so forth. :)

There's always good stuff going on in the Commons, too.
posted by jare2003 at 11:57 AM on September 11, 2007

Before I even saw the more inside, I knew you were talking about Ithaca. I think it's a little rough here for gay men, not because it's closety (it's not, unless you're hanging out with undergrads), but because there's just such a small dating pool (especially compared to NYC). Add in the small-town gossip and it can get pretty hellish sometimes. But Ithaca does have its charms, especially if you come downtown to where the grown-ups are. People are friendly, drinks are cheap, and the town is a liberal hippie paradise. Ithaca is basically the best small town in America.

Places you should go (other than back to New York for frequent visits):

- Gimme! is good for studying and meeting people. And if you ask the baristas (especially the ones at Cayuga Street), they'll tell you when the next No Radio dance party is happening. These parties are fun, and packed with all kinds of interesting (read: non-frat) people.
- Just a Taste is good food, but Dijon is better. Don't be fooled by the fact that it's next door to the DMV.
- Go to the Farmer's Market one of these weekends. Lots of tasty fresh food, lots of great hippie-watching.
- Felicia's, my personal favorite. It's a smallish bar and it's way downtown (you'll want a car or taxi if you're coming down the hill), but there's a very pleasant, friendly crowd of regulars (lots of grad students, post-docs, and young professionals) and there is always some boy/boy and/or girl/girl action happening.

You're not going to find the same kind of scene in Ithaca as you did in New York. But, if you keep the following helpful tips in mind, you can enjoy your stay.

- Next semester (or next year) get an apartment downtown.
- Avoid Collegetown like the plague.
- Repeat after me: "Ithaca is a pastoral paradise. Ithaca is my Hamptons. My doctor told me to come to Ithaca for the healthful air. I love winter sports." Fake it till you make it, baby.
posted by ourobouros at 11:58 AM on September 11, 2007

I've lived in London and Los Angeles, and the most politically active and involved gays I've met have been from my (smaller than Ithaca) hometown in the midwest. They're the ones who write letters to their representatives and invest effort to increase visibility and ensure safe spaces. They care about LGBT issues because they can't take anything for granted.

Not sure how you find these people in Ithaca. What's worked for me in the past is to seek out social groups that are balanced with gay women and men. (Also harder to find in big cities.)

Now, lack of quality food is another matter entirely.
posted by roger ackroyd at 12:02 PM on September 11, 2007

Restaurants:
- Taste of Thai on the commons is the best Thai in town, IMO. Get a lime soda and pad see ew and black rice pudding, if you want a recommendation.
- Pizza Aroma has some good and some bad -- their normal cheese for slices is mediocre, but if you get a slice with fresh mozzarella, or one of the cheeseless ones (eg salad pizza) it's great.
- Willow is a favorite of mine for nice nights out.
- Pangaea is hidden but fun; the service is often bad but the food is good.
- Moosewood is very hit-or-miss; go for lunch first to see if you like it. They have different chefs and menus every day, so it depends a lot on the day.
- DeWitt Cafe, in the aquarium-surrounded area of the main hallway of that same building, is *great* for brunch.
- On campus: The Temple of Zeus, in the basement of Goldwin Smith, has fantastic soups.
- Diamond's downtown has fair Indian food. Markedly better than the place in Collegetown, IMO.

If you say more about what things you like, people here can give more pointed recommendations.
posted by LobsterMitten at 12:43 PM on September 11, 2007

LobsterMitten, are you a Cornell alum as well? Also, I'm curiousif I know Stynxno.

Also, I will second Lost Dog from above. Far and away my favorite place for food in Ithaca.

Taste of Thai is great, but a good variety of ethnic food, on the other hand, isn't that easy to get. Though a lot of student groups cook sometimes for events, and those are worth showing up to just for that!
posted by jare2003 at 12:52 PM on September 11, 2007

An observation from someone who's not gay and didn't go to Cornell, but did go to graduate school: pretty soon you will probably be up to your eyeballs, if not drowning, in your thesis work and you may not have time to miss fun stuff like eating out and dating. Depending on your field, graduate school can be a pretty monastic existence and the lack of pleasant diversions may not matter much in the end.

Best wishes for school and life, anyhow!
posted by Quietgal at 12:59 PM on September 11, 2007

I agree with ourobouros--Ithaca IS basically the best small town in America. And it is not NYC. But why should it be? It has plently of things that NYC doesn't, you just need to be able to see and appreciate them (or maybe you don't--if they're not to your taste, get your degree and go back to a place that makes you happy). If the college scene makes you gag, make friends with the myriad fascinating people who live there, i.e. all the Cornell grads who fell in love with the town and never left. If you don't know how to meet them, it's easy: call a plumber, carpenter, dog-walker...chances are they're a PhD, living in a town that can't support thousands of PhD's by supplying jobs in their fields, so they turn to the trades, earn a living, enjoy the scenery, wonderful produce, scads of like-minded individuals, and inexpensive housing.
You have the end of the growing season to enjoy, a beautiful, if brisk, autumn, and a very cold and snowy winter ahead of you. Maybe by next spring you will have relaxed into life there a bit...and that is the key, I think, for a New Yorker moving ANYWHERE (and I mean that, because there's really nowhere that can compete with New York on its own playing field): just relax, and figure out what the town is all about, and learn to love it for that, even if you don't plan on staying there.
As for being a gay man, people manage to be gay in smaller, more conservative, much more Republican, and generally shittier towns than Ithaca, and they get by. I think once you get over the culture shock and figure out where to go, or get into the right circle, your prospects won't seem so bleak. Fear not! You shall eat fresh greens, go to gorges, swim, get educated, AND get laid, and all will be well.
posted by SixteenTons at 2:20 PM on September 11, 2007

LobsterMitten, are you a Cornell alum as well?

I prefer not to say where I went to school, b/c I want to preserve my anonymity within my (very small) profession. But I've spent some very happy time in Ithaca and would love to move there.

In connection with what Quietgal said: if you are at all a people-person, this fact about grad school is a good reason to be making social connections now! Once the cold weather comes, you won't want to be out walking around, which will make it a bit harder to meet people. Establish a couple of routines now (bar trivia night with one other person, etc) that will ensure you still socialize a little when it's cold and gray and you have lots of work.

Also: Ithaca does definitely get gray in the winter. Decorate your apartment in bright colors or something that will recharge you when it's cold and gray.

There's a lot of great stuff to see, too -
Have you been out to Treman park?
Or to Ithaca Falls? (walk down the hill on Lake St.. At the base of the hill is a huge waterfall).
Walked up or down the Cascadilla gorge?
Seen the view from the 5th floor of the art museum?
Bounced on the suspension bridge?
Been down to the Green Dragon cafe in the basement of the architecture building?
Been up the narrow winding staircases in A D White's library, within Uris Library?
Been down the narrow winding Cascadilla St (from Stewart down to Linn/University), past the huge amazing old graveyard?

On Halloween, go to McGraw Tower at midnight. There should be a band of tubas playing Halloween music from the top of the tower.
posted by LobsterMitten at 2:22 PM on September 11, 2007

I was rereading, and I can't believe none of us have mentioned Chapter House yet. Fantastic bar, grad student vibe and population, and far away enough from the undergrads not to have to deal with any of that crap.

Chapter House.
posted by jare2003 at 3:52 PM on September 11, 2007

I was just about to mention the Chapter House, jare2003.

Believe it or not, I spent my (very mellow) 21st birthday at Chapter House. No crazy shots served in test tubes or annoying loud sorority chicks/frat boys from Long Island looking to get laid - just good beer, a few close friends, a game of darts, and some free popcorn.

Even though it's in Collegetown, I'd like to recommend the Chariot for the corn nuggets. But I've heard rumors that it isn't there anymore, which is a damn shame if true. And same goes for Hot Truck, with the recommendation that you do it at least once and the caveat that I don't think Bob runs it anymore so who knows if it's still worth it. Things should just stay the way I remember them, dammit!
posted by misskaz at 4:34 PM on September 11, 2007

meetup soon
posted by LobsterMitten at 2:14 PM on September 13, 2007