Roommate is an addict, how do I deal with this?
June 5, 2007 5:57 PM Subscribe
I'm pretty sure my roommate is an addict, how do I deal with this?
I moved to a new city and found an apartment to get me by for 6months with a roommate. The guy SEEMED on the ball, mild-mannered mid-thirties. I move in, 2 weeks pass, and the guy has left the house twice claiming to go to work (before moving in he said he'd be traveling on business a lot and never home).
I asked him what's up, and he says "Hey man, I'm just taking some time off". Another few weeks pass and I see an unemployment check, apparently he was fired/laid off and lied to me about it (Ok this kinda thing can happen to anyone just don't lie to me). 3 months have now passed, and the guy is still is in his room, only now he's bought a refrigerator for his alcohol stash, he's also smoking weed as soon as he gets up until he goes to sleep. He can do whatever he wants outside of house (initially agreed upon) but I can smell it and so can people I've dated. I've been VERY lenient, I'm not a "Just say no" type about pot, but I also don't want to live around a total slacker.
I have confronted him about this last month and he said "I'm just taking some time off and having a good time". Well now his good time involves losing his car because he was too stoned to wake up in the morning and move it. He can't afford to get it out now either.
I've asked friends about this, but only get biased answers... Would you be bugged by any of this??? How would you approach this situation? Would you confront him another time? If so, how? He has no family in the city and I'm not sure if they know about his problem, should I contact them?
At what point should I talk to the landlord?
Keep in mind I still have months left on my lease in a city that is very hard to find a place like mine.
thanks for any info
I moved to a new city and found an apartment to get me by for 6months with a roommate. The guy SEEMED on the ball, mild-mannered mid-thirties. I move in, 2 weeks pass, and the guy has left the house twice claiming to go to work (before moving in he said he'd be traveling on business a lot and never home).
I asked him what's up, and he says "Hey man, I'm just taking some time off". Another few weeks pass and I see an unemployment check, apparently he was fired/laid off and lied to me about it (Ok this kinda thing can happen to anyone just don't lie to me). 3 months have now passed, and the guy is still is in his room, only now he's bought a refrigerator for his alcohol stash, he's also smoking weed as soon as he gets up until he goes to sleep. He can do whatever he wants outside of house (initially agreed upon) but I can smell it and so can people I've dated. I've been VERY lenient, I'm not a "Just say no" type about pot, but I also don't want to live around a total slacker.
I have confronted him about this last month and he said "I'm just taking some time off and having a good time". Well now his good time involves losing his car because he was too stoned to wake up in the morning and move it. He can't afford to get it out now either.
I've asked friends about this, but only get biased answers... Would you be bugged by any of this??? How would you approach this situation? Would you confront him another time? If so, how? He has no family in the city and I'm not sure if they know about his problem, should I contact them?
At what point should I talk to the landlord?
Keep in mind I still have months left on my lease in a city that is very hard to find a place like mine.
thanks for any info
Talk to him and tell hm he's acting in such a way that leaves you with little faith in his ability to maintain his share of the rent. Tell him you think he needs to seek help from family, friends or professionals to get through this tough patch, and that if he needs any support from you you'll try to help as well. Tell him that in any case, you're going to approach the landlord and let him know that you'd like to hang on to the lease and find another roommate when the lease runs out or sooner.
Don't try to tell him what he's doing wrong, just tell him objectively if/when it looks like his rent-making prospects are in jeopardy. If that isn't imminent (but unemployment will run out eventually) I think you should be a little more forgiving of a roommate who's a slacker but from the sound of it, out of your hair more or less.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 6:06 PM on June 5, 2007
Don't try to tell him what he's doing wrong, just tell him objectively if/when it looks like his rent-making prospects are in jeopardy. If that isn't imminent (but unemployment will run out eventually) I think you should be a little more forgiving of a roommate who's a slacker but from the sound of it, out of your hair more or less.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 6:06 PM on June 5, 2007
It would be annoying to live around a slacker like that definitely, but if he's coming up with his share of the rent and isn't going crazy or anything, I'd just put up with it until you can get out. Why do you care if he lost his car or doesn't have a job if he's paying the bills? "Addict" seems like a strong choice of language, considering that his use of marijuana (to which attaching the word "addict" would, to me, say more about the accuser than the actual person) and alcohol (which, from your message, doesn't appear to be creating problems) may be heavy, but not life-threatening.
When I read your message, what I see is this: You're annoyed by a slacker roommate who doesn't seem to do anything but sit around and get high (presumably in his room - he doesn't seem to do this in front of you or even in the living room.) But other than having a lackluster sense of responsibility for himself, he doesn't seem to do actual *harm.*
Calling his family because he wastes his time getting high constantly is way out-of-line, especially as his family doesn't seem to support him and he's in his mid-thirties. Calling the landlord for what? Because he gets high? Come on.
All this behavior would drive me nuts and upset me, but as much as I hate to say it, I'd leave it alone and just move out when you can. He doesn't seem willing to care much about your feelings, but from what you write, he's not doing very much to have a negative impact on your life. The smell of marijuana is small potatoes. It sounds more like it was just a bad match, and possibly that ground rules you could live with weren't settled in advance. Chalk it up to a learning experience and hang on until you can move. It could be worse.
posted by Dee Xtrovert at 6:15 PM on June 5, 2007 [2 favorites]
When I read your message, what I see is this: You're annoyed by a slacker roommate who doesn't seem to do anything but sit around and get high (presumably in his room - he doesn't seem to do this in front of you or even in the living room.) But other than having a lackluster sense of responsibility for himself, he doesn't seem to do actual *harm.*
Calling his family because he wastes his time getting high constantly is way out-of-line, especially as his family doesn't seem to support him and he's in his mid-thirties. Calling the landlord for what? Because he gets high? Come on.
All this behavior would drive me nuts and upset me, but as much as I hate to say it, I'd leave it alone and just move out when you can. He doesn't seem willing to care much about your feelings, but from what you write, he's not doing very much to have a negative impact on your life. The smell of marijuana is small potatoes. It sounds more like it was just a bad match, and possibly that ground rules you could live with weren't settled in advance. Chalk it up to a learning experience and hang on until you can move. It could be worse.
posted by Dee Xtrovert at 6:15 PM on June 5, 2007 [2 favorites]
Wow. Take it easy. The guy never leaves his room, and you're complaining? Who cares how he manages his life, just as long as he pays the rent. If he can't pay the rent, well that's another story.
posted by nazca at 6:16 PM on June 5, 2007
posted by nazca at 6:16 PM on June 5, 2007
Agree with others. If he's able to make rent, it's none of your business what he does in your home (which is also *his* home). You "don't want to live around a total slacker" - well that's your problem, not his.
Unless, of course, you talked about this before you moved in and specified that you didn't want drugs in the house.
posted by PercussivePaul at 6:17 PM on June 5, 2007
Unless, of course, you talked about this before you moved in and specified that you didn't want drugs in the house.
posted by PercussivePaul at 6:17 PM on June 5, 2007
Response by poster: It's not the pot issue so much (Plenty of my friends smoke), it's the fact he's playing jenga with his life drinking and smoking out of control at noon and obviously depressed. Without his family aware of his behavior I'm the only one who knows he's doing this. He doesn't see to have friends other than his dealer.
another issue is we are on the same lease 50/50 and he's been wanting me to pay him the rent check so he can then send one full check to the landlord. Given the lack of responsibility in other areas writing over a thousand dollars IS a concern.
posted by debu at 6:18 PM on June 5, 2007 [1 favorite]
another issue is we are on the same lease 50/50 and he's been wanting me to pay him the rent check so he can then send one full check to the landlord. Given the lack of responsibility in other areas writing over a thousand dollars IS a concern.
posted by debu at 6:18 PM on June 5, 2007 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Yes, we agreed it was totally fine to smoke on the back patio when I moved in.
A case of day of booze, acting real strange, plus weed, you wouldn't be kinda concerned about someone doing something stupid to themselves?
posted by debu at 6:21 PM on June 5, 2007
A case of day of booze, acting real strange, plus weed, you wouldn't be kinda concerned about someone doing something stupid to themselves?
posted by debu at 6:21 PM on June 5, 2007
debu writes "He doesn't see to have friends other than his dealer.
"another issue is we are on the same lease 50/50 and he's been wanting me to pay him the rent check so he can then send one full check to the landlord."
Well, obviously don't do that. Jeez. If both of your names are on the lease, pay the landlord yourself.
You could narc on the guy if you really want to get rid of him, but that would be an asshole move.
posted by mr_roboto at 6:24 PM on June 5, 2007 [1 favorite]
"another issue is we are on the same lease 50/50 and he's been wanting me to pay him the rent check so he can then send one full check to the landlord."
Well, obviously don't do that. Jeez. If both of your names are on the lease, pay the landlord yourself.
You could narc on the guy if you really want to get rid of him, but that would be an asshole move.
posted by mr_roboto at 6:24 PM on June 5, 2007 [1 favorite]
Definitely refuse to pay him your share; that definitely sounds shady.
Otherwise, no matter how bad it is, it's still none of your business. At all. You've known him for what, two months? If you were my roommate, I wouldn't want to leave my room either, for fear of being lectured and patronized. The fact that he is in his mid-thirties and has managed to survive in NYC (I am assuming from your other posts) thus far suggests that maybe he doesn't need busybodies trying to do him good.
posted by nasreddin at 6:25 PM on June 5, 2007
Otherwise, no matter how bad it is, it's still none of your business. At all. You've known him for what, two months? If you were my roommate, I wouldn't want to leave my room either, for fear of being lectured and patronized. The fact that he is in his mid-thirties and has managed to survive in NYC (I am assuming from your other posts) thus far suggests that maybe he doesn't need busybodies trying to do him good.
posted by nasreddin at 6:25 PM on June 5, 2007
"If I knew for a certainty that a man was coming to my house with the conscious design of doing me good, I should run for my life. "
- Henry David Thoreau.
posted by nasreddin at 6:30 PM on June 5, 2007 [2 favorites]
- Henry David Thoreau.
posted by nasreddin at 6:30 PM on June 5, 2007 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: if you knew me I'm far from a busybody, the original post was intended to be more of concern but came across wrong.
The only reason I mentioned drugs is because he's asking for my share of rent and the drug use has been escalating. It just seems real sketchy. The only reason I mentioned other people have smelled it is because he makes strange loud noises when he gets high (sirens, clucks like a chicken) and friends/dates have thought it was odd.
Thanks for your perspective, he may just be eccentric in ways and I'm overreacting.
posted by debu at 6:38 PM on June 5, 2007 [1 favorite]
The only reason I mentioned drugs is because he's asking for my share of rent and the drug use has been escalating. It just seems real sketchy. The only reason I mentioned other people have smelled it is because he makes strange loud noises when he gets high (sirens, clucks like a chicken) and friends/dates have thought it was odd.
Thanks for your perspective, he may just be eccentric in ways and I'm overreacting.
posted by debu at 6:38 PM on June 5, 2007 [1 favorite]
Yikes, don't give him any money. That's a very bad idea.
Your rights and responsibilities begin and end with protecting yourself. Thus, it is reasonable to talk to your landlord, say that roomy has been erratic lately and you're worried he'll flake out, and make it clear that you don't want to lose the apartment and will find another roommate. Something like that.
As a friend you have the option of trying to help him. If he is in a suicidal downward spiral, you could ask him if he needs help (or tell him). The problem is, just like any addict, he has to want to be helped before you can help him. If he pushes you away, you have to respect that boundar. Only if you are genuinely concerned he is about to kill himself should you contact his friends or family. (you said he does have friends in your main question, now you say his dealer is his only friend?)
The reason everyone is jumping on you here is that from a distance he seems far from suicidial, and it looks like you are passing a value judgement on his lifestyle, which would be way out of line. How would you like it if your roommate got all preachy about you spending too much time online and not enough outside? Your reaction would likely be 'wtf?! what business is it of yours what I do with my spare time?'
posted by PercussivePaul at 6:38 PM on June 5, 2007
Your rights and responsibilities begin and end with protecting yourself. Thus, it is reasonable to talk to your landlord, say that roomy has been erratic lately and you're worried he'll flake out, and make it clear that you don't want to lose the apartment and will find another roommate. Something like that.
As a friend you have the option of trying to help him. If he is in a suicidal downward spiral, you could ask him if he needs help (or tell him). The problem is, just like any addict, he has to want to be helped before you can help him. If he pushes you away, you have to respect that boundar. Only if you are genuinely concerned he is about to kill himself should you contact his friends or family. (you said he does have friends in your main question, now you say his dealer is his only friend?)
The reason everyone is jumping on you here is that from a distance he seems far from suicidial, and it looks like you are passing a value judgement on his lifestyle, which would be way out of line. How would you like it if your roommate got all preachy about you spending too much time online and not enough outside? Your reaction would likely be 'wtf?! what business is it of yours what I do with my spare time?'
posted by PercussivePaul at 6:38 PM on June 5, 2007
The two of you are clearly not ideal roommates, but yeah, this is one of the things that comes with the territory of having a roommate... they sometimes do things that you wouldn't. I wouldn't want to live with someone like that either, but that's a risk you run if you find an apartment with someone you don't know so you can save a few $$.
Pay your rent (to the landlord, not him), and as long as he pays his and isn't keeping you awake 24/7, leave him be. You're moving out in 3 months anyway right? You said it had been 3 months and you had found a roommate just for 6.
ps -- you "initally agreed upon" the fact that he could do whatever he wanted outside the house? Are you for real?
posted by modernnomad at 6:39 PM on June 5, 2007
Pay your rent (to the landlord, not him), and as long as he pays his and isn't keeping you awake 24/7, leave him be. You're moving out in 3 months anyway right? You said it had been 3 months and you had found a roommate just for 6.
ps -- you "initally agreed upon" the fact that he could do whatever he wanted outside the house? Are you for real?
posted by modernnomad at 6:39 PM on June 5, 2007
Well, the real problem here is that if you dont kick him out he'll soon be out of money thus dicking you over on the rent. I'd leave and tell him to find a roommate that is more like him.
posted by damn dirty ape at 6:45 PM on June 5, 2007
posted by damn dirty ape at 6:45 PM on June 5, 2007
Response by poster: "initally agreed upon" the fact that he could do whatever he wanted outside the house? Are you for real?"
initially agreed on smoking outside is what i meant, He wasn't smoking inside when I moved in.
We live in SF and have a great deck outside for that.
I got what I needed out of the thread.. I need to chill and pay the landlord myself since that's the major issue making me worry about the other stuff. again thanks for the perspective.
posted by debu at 6:50 PM on June 5, 2007
initially agreed on smoking outside is what i meant, He wasn't smoking inside when I moved in.
We live in SF and have a great deck outside for that.
I got what I needed out of the thread.. I need to chill and pay the landlord myself since that's the major issue making me worry about the other stuff. again thanks for the perspective.
posted by debu at 6:50 PM on June 5, 2007
As long as he pays the rent, let him do whatever he wants in his own damn room.
If he's paying his share of the rent and the bills and keeps his business clean, lay off it. Jesus.
Wow. Take it easy. The guy never leaves his room, and you're complaining?
This is a ridiculous attitude. The poster has every right to be concerned about this - it's where he freaking lives, and the roommate has major issues. So because he stays in his room all the time, it's not a problem? Because he is able to pay rent, it's not a problem? Clearly, it bothers the poster - saying "it shouldn't bother you" is useless. I'd be bothered too.
That said, I reluctantly agree with Dee Xtrovert - not much to do. Stick it out for as long as you need to and get the hell out of there. It's insanely important to be comfortable where you live, so make it happen.
posted by ORthey at 6:52 PM on June 5, 2007 [3 favorites]
If he's paying his share of the rent and the bills and keeps his business clean, lay off it. Jesus.
Wow. Take it easy. The guy never leaves his room, and you're complaining?
This is a ridiculous attitude. The poster has every right to be concerned about this - it's where he freaking lives, and the roommate has major issues. So because he stays in his room all the time, it's not a problem? Because he is able to pay rent, it's not a problem? Clearly, it bothers the poster - saying "it shouldn't bother you" is useless. I'd be bothered too.
That said, I reluctantly agree with Dee Xtrovert - not much to do. Stick it out for as long as you need to and get the hell out of there. It's insanely important to be comfortable where you live, so make it happen.
posted by ORthey at 6:52 PM on June 5, 2007 [3 favorites]
Move out. If you don't trust this guy to come up with his share of the rent, the landlord will probably come after you for it (at least that's the way things work where I've lived).
It's not going to be easy finding a new place, but it will definitely be harder if he bails and you owe a bunch of money.
posted by ODiV at 6:57 PM on June 5, 2007
It's not going to be easy finding a new place, but it will definitely be harder if he bails and you owe a bunch of money.
posted by ODiV at 6:57 PM on June 5, 2007
Gee whiz, people are really coming down on you. I don't think your concerns are illegitimate at all. There may not be much you can do about it, but you're hardly being a busybody.
If you agreed that smoking would be OK, but only outside the house, and he's smoking all day, every day in the house, that's a totally reasonable issue. The rest seems like reasonable issues of concern... you live with this dude.
In the practical area: maybe you should offer to write the rent check, so you don't have to hand him your money. Besides that, if you don't feel like you can help, do as much damage control as you can and move out when it comes time to do so. If he forces the issue by, say, not paying rent, take appropriate action then.
posted by YoungAmerican at 7:07 PM on June 5, 2007 [1 favorite]
If you agreed that smoking would be OK, but only outside the house, and he's smoking all day, every day in the house, that's a totally reasonable issue. The rest seems like reasonable issues of concern... you live with this dude.
In the practical area: maybe you should offer to write the rent check, so you don't have to hand him your money. Besides that, if you don't feel like you can help, do as much damage control as you can and move out when it comes time to do so. If he forces the issue by, say, not paying rent, take appropriate action then.
posted by YoungAmerican at 7:07 PM on June 5, 2007 [1 favorite]
Best answer: His personal decisions are his issue. He sounds like a crappy roommate, but the only thing you can do about that part is move yourself out.
Joint financial responsibilities, on the other hand, are a legiitimate concern.
No way should you let him handle the rent money. In fact, work on convincing him to hand his check to you from now on so you can know for sure that both checks are getting to the landlord ontime.
Meanwhile, ask the landlord to contact you anytime the rent doesn't happen to be paid in full on the 1st of the month. The phrase you to look out for on your lease is "jointly and severally". What it means is, legally there is no "his half". Anytime the rent isn't paid in full, the landlord is free to come after either tenant for the full balance. Guess which responsible, solvent tenant it will be easier to collect from?
For similar reasons, setup automated reminders with the utility companies. These days most are happy to send you an email whenever the check is late. Even if his name is the one on the bill, and even though you pay your share ontime, you'll still be left with no lights, a/c or phone if he flakes out. You need early warning, so his problems don't end up becoming your problems.
posted by nakedcodemonkey at 7:07 PM on June 5, 2007 [1 favorite]
Joint financial responsibilities, on the other hand, are a legiitimate concern.
No way should you let him handle the rent money. In fact, work on convincing him to hand his check to you from now on so you can know for sure that both checks are getting to the landlord ontime.
Meanwhile, ask the landlord to contact you anytime the rent doesn't happen to be paid in full on the 1st of the month. The phrase you to look out for on your lease is "jointly and severally". What it means is, legally there is no "his half". Anytime the rent isn't paid in full, the landlord is free to come after either tenant for the full balance. Guess which responsible, solvent tenant it will be easier to collect from?
For similar reasons, setup automated reminders with the utility companies. These days most are happy to send you an email whenever the check is late. Even if his name is the one on the bill, and even though you pay your share ontime, you'll still be left with no lights, a/c or phone if he flakes out. You need early warning, so his problems don't end up becoming your problems.
posted by nakedcodemonkey at 7:07 PM on June 5, 2007 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: I've paid cable/internet on time and it has been shut off twice in the three months , so that's been an issue as well.
I have thought about asking the landlord to do that, just didn't want to get them involved...
thanks again
posted by debu at 7:14 PM on June 5, 2007
I have thought about asking the landlord to do that, just didn't want to get them involved...
thanks again
posted by debu at 7:14 PM on June 5, 2007
Move out immediately. The guy will be stealing from you before long, and it will be far too much hassle for you to get rid of him; you have to get rid of yourself. Unemployment checks will NOT finance both rent and drugs "as soon as he gets up until he goes to sleep", and it's obvious which of those two things he's chosen to pay for. If he doesn't have the money to get his car out of impound, he doesn't have the rent money either. Shit, he's already tried to steal your half of the current month's rent money, by asking for it directly. Stuff will be disappearing out of your room VERY soon, if it isn't already.
To all you uptight posters above: it has nothing to do with drugs per se, and everything to do with being financially involved with someone who is undergoing obvious financial collapse.
Rent contracts are not a suicide pact. Notify the landlord and the roommate that you're leaving, leave in good financial order, and scram. Let the landlord evict your roommate, which will happen very shortly after you depart.
Ignore all the other posters who think that you should go ahead and keep paying this guy's rent for the next six months while he steals from you and lives rent-free with you.
posted by jellicle at 7:15 PM on June 5, 2007
To all you uptight posters above: it has nothing to do with drugs per se, and everything to do with being financially involved with someone who is undergoing obvious financial collapse.
Rent contracts are not a suicide pact. Notify the landlord and the roommate that you're leaving, leave in good financial order, and scram. Let the landlord evict your roommate, which will happen very shortly after you depart.
Ignore all the other posters who think that you should go ahead and keep paying this guy's rent for the next six months while he steals from you and lives rent-free with you.
posted by jellicle at 7:15 PM on June 5, 2007
Move out immediately. The guy will be stealing from you before long, and it will be far too much hassle for you to get rid of him; you have to get rid of yourself.
Wow, seconded. Get out of there quick, and in the meantime make it clear to the landlord that the roommate is soon going to flake.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 7:29 PM on June 5, 2007
Wow, seconded. Get out of there quick, and in the meantime make it clear to the landlord that the roommate is soon going to flake.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 7:29 PM on June 5, 2007
Thirding the move out idea. He's going to take you down with him. Run, don't walk.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:37 PM on June 5, 2007
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:37 PM on June 5, 2007
Yeah, I have to say I would be actively looking for another place.
Don't give him your check, and don't get into any situation where he writes you a (possibly bad) check and then you write the landlord a check for the full amount, either.
The guy is free to do what he wants, but your attitude sounds sensible to me and I would be looking to get the hell out.
posted by LobsterMitten at 7:51 PM on June 5, 2007
Don't give him your check, and don't get into any situation where he writes you a (possibly bad) check and then you write the landlord a check for the full amount, either.
The guy is free to do what he wants, but your attitude sounds sensible to me and I would be looking to get the hell out.
posted by LobsterMitten at 7:51 PM on June 5, 2007
If this is a problem for you, move out. If you're going to stay, obviously you should pay the landlord yourself rather than going through him. But otherwise, it doesn't seem like he's doing much that actually affects you. His life/well-being are not your responsibility. If he's paying the rent and otherwise staying out of your hair, I suggest you chill out a bit.
posted by number9dream at 7:51 PM on June 5, 2007
posted by number9dream at 7:51 PM on June 5, 2007
Seriously, get out... If you have any notion that he is a loser, he is going to screw you.
Losers screw people. That's what they do. They thrive on the kind to further their loserly ways.
posted by Benway at 7:53 PM on June 5, 2007 [1 favorite]
Losers screw people. That's what they do. They thrive on the kind to further their loserly ways.
posted by Benway at 7:53 PM on June 5, 2007 [1 favorite]
Wow. You just described my old roommate down to a tee. Do not give him money. In fact, tell him that you're doing him a favor by delivering his half for him too, just to make sure it's getting there.
And do whatever you can to get out of the situation because he WILL bring you down with him.
posted by sephira at 7:55 PM on June 5, 2007
And do whatever you can to get out of the situation because he WILL bring you down with him.
posted by sephira at 7:55 PM on June 5, 2007
I agree that it sounds like his roommate is committing financial suicide. More than the drug use and sitting around the house, not being able to get the car back after being towed is a pretty ominous sign.
Still, how can debu just move out when they are both on the lease and it has months to run?
He should notify the landlord, and definitely not loan out any cash or possessions but what other options does he have? I also agree that notifying the roommate's family seems like a pretty gross overstepping of bounds at this point.
posted by BigSky at 7:58 PM on June 5, 2007
Still, how can debu just move out when they are both on the lease and it has months to run?
He should notify the landlord, and definitely not loan out any cash or possessions but what other options does he have? I also agree that notifying the roommate's family seems like a pretty gross overstepping of bounds at this point.
posted by BigSky at 7:58 PM on June 5, 2007
I would be super sketched out by him at this point, but I'm coming into the situation with a lot of biases (my most recent roommate had a shitty breakup with his girlfriend, went on a month long binge and ODed on my living room floor (uh I guess I should mention that he's still alive and back with the girlfriend) I moved out as soon as I could. Obviously your situation is different, but from what you've said, leaving aside his drinking/possible depression issues, the situation he presented to you when you moved in is different from the reality now. If you're uncomfortable with how things have turned out in reality, I would move.
As far as the personal aspects of the problem go. It is not your responsibility to make sure he stops. It's next to impossible to force people who have substance abuse problems to stop or to seek help, especially when they don't see the problem with their behaviour. The fact that he doesn't have any friends or relatives asking after him is indicative. This is kind of cold but honestly, you need to decide whether you want to take on that role. Caring for people with substance abuse issues is a huge burden, and you're not obligated to be that guy unless you really feel comfortable investing yourself even more in his life.
posted by nerdcore at 8:01 PM on June 5, 2007
As far as the personal aspects of the problem go. It is not your responsibility to make sure he stops. It's next to impossible to force people who have substance abuse problems to stop or to seek help, especially when they don't see the problem with their behaviour. The fact that he doesn't have any friends or relatives asking after him is indicative. This is kind of cold but honestly, you need to decide whether you want to take on that role. Caring for people with substance abuse issues is a huge burden, and you're not obligated to be that guy unless you really feel comfortable investing yourself even more in his life.
posted by nerdcore at 8:01 PM on June 5, 2007
I was going to say "Lighten the fuck up, let the man smoke some dope and drink some beers," but I reread the question and noticed the bit I'd skimmed over before:
Well now his good time involves losing his car because he was too stoned to wake up in the morning and move it. He can't afford to get it out now either.
posted by TheOnlyCoolTim at 8:16 PM on June 5, 2007
Well now his good time involves losing his car because he was too stoned to wake up in the morning and move it. He can't afford to get it out now either.
posted by TheOnlyCoolTim at 8:16 PM on June 5, 2007
Uh, just another follow-up: in case you have any doubt about moving out immediately, please be aware that he has lied to you from the start. He described himself as a financially secure, never-home roommate - the best kind of roommate, the most desirable kind. What he actually was, from day one, was a druggie without a job who was looking for someone to pay his cable and internet bills and as much of the rent as possible. He was scamming you from day one.
Right now your losses are in the hundreds of dollars, if you pack up and clear out ASAP. If you stay, your losses will be measured in the thousands of dollars.
If you want to amuse yourself, keep an eye on craigslist as you move out. He'll put an ad up, looking for a roommate, and describing himself as a responsible guy with a steady job who's never home - the ideal roommate. Watch for it, and respond to it under an alias. It'll be funny.
posted by jellicle at 8:18 PM on June 5, 2007
Right now your losses are in the hundreds of dollars, if you pack up and clear out ASAP. If you stay, your losses will be measured in the thousands of dollars.
If you want to amuse yourself, keep an eye on craigslist as you move out. He'll put an ad up, looking for a roommate, and describing himself as a responsible guy with a steady job who's never home - the ideal roommate. Watch for it, and respond to it under an alias. It'll be funny.
posted by jellicle at 8:18 PM on June 5, 2007
This arrangement sounds like a lost cause; your roommate is beyond any sort of help you might reasonably provide. Begin to look for somewhere else to live.
posted by Count Ziggurat at 8:50 PM on June 5, 2007
posted by Count Ziggurat at 8:50 PM on June 5, 2007
Was it his place first? I only ask because it seemed like you moved into his place. If this is the case he's probably lied to you about what the rent actually costs so that you pay more than half, hence him wanting a check to him first. Just a theory...
posted by sharkfu at 9:06 PM on June 5, 2007
I'd bail now too. He can do what he wants, but you don't have to be a part of it.
posted by Ironmouth at 9:26 PM on June 5, 2007
posted by Ironmouth at 9:26 PM on June 5, 2007
Your roommate sounds very much like a roommate I had for a while, except yours actually left the house twice. Dude and I each paid our rent separately to the landlord (my choice, because it was a huge hassle being the collector each month).
One day he was gone, leaving behind the majority of his stuff. I never heard from him again. Eventually the landlord (a bit of a slacker himself) told me that dude hadn't in fact paid his half the rent for the preceding four months; could I please fork that over immediately?
I nth the suggestion to terminate this housing situation before it becomes worse.
posted by Eater at 9:43 PM on June 5, 2007
One day he was gone, leaving behind the majority of his stuff. I never heard from him again. Eventually the landlord (a bit of a slacker himself) told me that dude hadn't in fact paid his half the rent for the preceding four months; could I please fork that over immediately?
I nth the suggestion to terminate this housing situation before it becomes worse.
posted by Eater at 9:43 PM on June 5, 2007
Still, how can debu just move out when they are both on the lease and it has months to run?
Usually the tenant is on the hook for payment only until a qualified replacement tenant is found. This is the key info for getting out of a lease early: "...in a city that is very hard to find a place like mine". Ah-hah. Your place is highly rentable. The landlord probably can get a higher rent from new tenants than under the current lease. Tell him you want to break the lease.
He may be delighted to have a valid basis for cancelling the lease altogether, especially if he's noticed signs than Mr. Loser is about to become a landlord's worst nightmare. Even if he doesn't want to accept that easy out, you should only need to find a replacement tenant (thank you craigslist) to get free of further obligation. As long as you're honest with prospective applicants, don't feel bad. There's always someone who's looking for "420 friendly" slacker roommate with a great pad.
Check with a local tenant's rights service to verify exactly what your state and your lease allow. But yeah, don't feel stuck.
posted by nakedcodemonkey at 11:21 PM on June 5, 2007
Usually the tenant is on the hook for payment only until a qualified replacement tenant is found. This is the key info for getting out of a lease early: "...in a city that is very hard to find a place like mine". Ah-hah. Your place is highly rentable. The landlord probably can get a higher rent from new tenants than under the current lease. Tell him you want to break the lease.
He may be delighted to have a valid basis for cancelling the lease altogether, especially if he's noticed signs than Mr. Loser is about to become a landlord's worst nightmare. Even if he doesn't want to accept that easy out, you should only need to find a replacement tenant (thank you craigslist) to get free of further obligation. As long as you're honest with prospective applicants, don't feel bad. There's always someone who's looking for "420 friendly" slacker roommate with a great pad.
Check with a local tenant's rights service to verify exactly what your state and your lease allow. But yeah, don't feel stuck.
posted by nakedcodemonkey at 11:21 PM on June 5, 2007
Way to give any benefit of the doubt. So far he lied about losing his job right? In my book that's kind of forgiveable. Has he actually done anything really over the top to you or is it just his being a slacker and some occasional weird noises? Is he rude to you? Does he steal your food? Is he unhygenic? Has he paid the rent each time?
Look for some other place but tell him you're doing so and tell him why. Tell him you're concerned about his state of mind and health and that you have some worries about money becoming a problem (I do agree about not throwing the rent money his way). But I don't know, as long as money doesn't actually become an issue affecting you then I think you have to chalk it up to experience and as a prompt to be more discerning when meeting potential new flatmates in the future. But as far as horror stories for flatmates go, this doesn't even register on the scale. You may look back in the future and find that this was actually a fairly tolerable episode all things considered.
posted by peacay at 12:38 AM on June 6, 2007
Look for some other place but tell him you're doing so and tell him why. Tell him you're concerned about his state of mind and health and that you have some worries about money becoming a problem (I do agree about not throwing the rent money his way). But I don't know, as long as money doesn't actually become an issue affecting you then I think you have to chalk it up to experience and as a prompt to be more discerning when meeting potential new flatmates in the future. But as far as horror stories for flatmates go, this doesn't even register on the scale. You may look back in the future and find that this was actually a fairly tolerable episode all things considered.
posted by peacay at 12:38 AM on June 6, 2007
I nth getting out of the situation as soon as possible, but with a twist. Go to the landlord. Tell him/her exactly what has been happening. Tell him/her you want to keep the apartment but get rid of your dodgy roommate. Work together to evict this loser (infact I would check with the landlord to make sure the rent has been paid as you were told it was, anyway). The landlord has even more incentive to keep you and get rid of your dodgy loser roommate.
posted by zia at 1:56 AM on June 6, 2007
posted by zia at 1:56 AM on June 6, 2007
I had a neighbor who was in this exact situation. The slacker guy eventually tried to get out of paying rent by telling the non-slacker guy he had AIDS (which was bullshit; a sympathy ploy), so he couldn't pay. Both roommates eventually had to move out because of the slacker guy's attempts to get out of being an adult.
I'd say kick the guy out if you can, or move out yourself. For Christ's sake, don't give him your money, or take his money under any circumstances. It's a crap deal all around, but it looks like it's time to cut your losses.
posted by Pecinpah at 8:57 AM on June 6, 2007
I'd say kick the guy out if you can, or move out yourself. For Christ's sake, don't give him your money, or take his money under any circumstances. It's a crap deal all around, but it looks like it's time to cut your losses.
posted by Pecinpah at 8:57 AM on June 6, 2007
I nth getting out of the situation as soon as possible, but with a twist. Go to the landlord. Tell him/her exactly what has been happening. Tell him/her you want to keep the apartment but get rid of your dodgy roommate. Work together to evict this loser (infact I would check with the landlord to make sure the rent has been paid as you were told it was, anyway). The landlord has even more incentive to keep you and get rid of your dodgy loser roommate.
On Preview: what Zia said.
Good luck and please post updates.
posted by Carnage Asada at 9:40 AM on June 6, 2007
On Preview: what Zia said.
Good luck and please post updates.
posted by Carnage Asada at 9:40 AM on June 6, 2007
Response by poster: I just went and talked to the landlord and found out he has been charging me extra monthly, but haven't mentioned that or anything else to the landlord yet.
I signed an additional agreement with the roommate that was more than than the original lease (he claimed the original lease was very old). This whole time he has been telling me he's paying MORE for rent (larger room) but actually been making money off me. Another lie.
Is the additional agreement I signed with him void, or am I stuck with a dumbass tax on this? thanks
posted by debu at 12:57 PM on June 6, 2007
I signed an additional agreement with the roommate that was more than than the original lease (he claimed the original lease was very old). This whole time he has been telling me he's paying MORE for rent (larger room) but actually been making money off me. Another lie.
Is the additional agreement I signed with him void, or am I stuck with a dumbass tax on this? thanks
posted by debu at 12:57 PM on June 6, 2007
Response by poster: I'm off to look for a new place, no need dealing with all this. thanks for the replies
posted by debu at 1:34 PM on June 6, 2007
posted by debu at 1:34 PM on June 6, 2007
Is the additional agreement I signed with him void, or am I stuck with a dumbass tax on this? thanks
posted by debu at 3:57 PM on June 6 [+] [!]
Even if it's still good, do you think he has enough get-up-and-go to take you to small claims court to enforce his rights?
I would consult a tenant's rights organization on the legality question, but remember that even if he has some kind of rights via the contract, he would have to take action to enforce them.
Plus remember you have the leverage over him of being able to narc him out. You could probably just say, "hey, I'm moving out, and I'm ripping up this agreement. Any objections?"
posted by LobsterMitten at 2:47 PM on June 6, 2007
posted by debu at 3:57 PM on June 6 [+] [!]
Even if it's still good, do you think he has enough get-up-and-go to take you to small claims court to enforce his rights?
I would consult a tenant's rights organization on the legality question, but remember that even if he has some kind of rights via the contract, he would have to take action to enforce them.
Plus remember you have the leverage over him of being able to narc him out. You could probably just say, "hey, I'm moving out, and I'm ripping up this agreement. Any objections?"
posted by LobsterMitten at 2:47 PM on June 6, 2007
Even if it's still good, do you think he has enough get-up-and-go to take you to small claims court to enforce his rights?
Good point. He doesn't have the will, and isn't going to want to waste valuable drug money on court filing fees and photocopies. Which gives you a strong bargaining position. "Hi there. You're going to sign right here where it says 'lease and sublease voided effective immediately'* because you wouldn't like to be sued for fraud and have your unemployment checks garnished to repay me."
* You really need legal advice. The contract situation sounds messy.
posted by nakedcodemonkey at 6:00 PM on June 6, 2007
Good point. He doesn't have the will, and isn't going to want to waste valuable drug money on court filing fees and photocopies. Which gives you a strong bargaining position. "Hi there. You're going to sign right here where it says 'lease and sublease voided effective immediately'* because you wouldn't like to be sued for fraud and have your unemployment checks garnished to repay me."
* You really need legal advice. The contract situation sounds messy.
posted by nakedcodemonkey at 6:00 PM on June 6, 2007
Ooo - ncm has a better suggestion.
posted by LobsterMitten at 8:47 PM on June 6, 2007
posted by LobsterMitten at 8:47 PM on June 6, 2007
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Your attempt to make it sound like he's really hurting you (the weed stench is driving away mates?) does a pretty poor job of concealing the fact that you're kind of a control freak. He can do whatever he wants outside the house, but not inside? Who are you to set those kinds of rules? As long as he pays the rent, let him do whatever he wants in his own damn room.
posted by nasreddin at 6:05 PM on June 5, 2007 [4 favorites]