When, if ever, do I try to repair this post-relationship friendship?
May 18, 2007 6:15 AM Subscribe
When, if ever, do I try to repair this post-relationship friendship?
There's some background here, so bear with me-
About two months ago, I decided to end my casual relationship of nine months with Guy. We had had an on-again off again sexual thing that started to get more serious. I freaked out because I was falling for him, so I ended it. It was amicable and we have since hung out and communicated multiple times as friends without any problem or baggage. I still care about him, but have no desire to re-kindle the relationship, i.e. my mad-crazy crush is waning.
Fast forward to about two weeks ago. He has a party at his house that he invites me to (I should probably mention that he lives four houses down from mine as this will factor in). We have mutual friends so I was there to hang out with everyone, not just him. I had been drinking beforehand at dinner, and by the end of the night, I was seriously drunk.
This is where I fucked up. The party died down and most people left, including him, to go to the bar up the street. I went home feeling kind of down because I didn't really get to talk to him much. Now, feeling down + tons of alcohol = desperate girl. When I got home I sent him two text messages proclaming my essential desperation. I fell asleep and never got a response. The next morning, I was all 'oh fuck' and sent a retraction via text message.
To make a bad situation worse, I realized a few days later that he was seeing someone at the time, so now I'm just really fucking embarrassed seeing as how I have not gotten any kind of response, and whatever friendliness we had has died. Now I just try to avoid him, which is hard seeing as how we are neighbors. We say hi when we pass each other, but I'm afraid that I have just been grouped into the "crazy exes that I need to ignore" group of girls, even though this is behavior that I have never ever before displayed, drunk or sober.
Ok, now, getting to the present issue. While we were still seeing each other, my best guy friend arranged to move in with him at the beginning of june. At this point, it will be pretty much impossible to avoid him and I want to make an attempt at an apology so that we can be friends again. Let me state again that I do not want to try to re-kindle the relationship and whatever feelings I may or may not have left over will be easy to keep at bay. I do not desire to disrupt his new relationship. But I do want to be able to hang out with my guy friend at his house without making ex-guy feel like I'm hovering.
Since the move-in is in a less than two weeks, and since ex-guy's birthday is next week I was thinking about sending him an email essentially saying "Hey, I want to apologize for my behavior after your party so that we can be friends and things won't be weird when my friend moves in and maybe also pour you a drink for your birthday". I figure honestly is the best here, but I don't know if this is just going to come off as another desperate attempt at whatever.
So....... is this a good move? Should I not bother at all? Should I wait until we are forced to interact in a few weeks and see how things are then? Any suggestions, anecdotes, etc, are welcome.
There's some background here, so bear with me-
About two months ago, I decided to end my casual relationship of nine months with Guy. We had had an on-again off again sexual thing that started to get more serious. I freaked out because I was falling for him, so I ended it. It was amicable and we have since hung out and communicated multiple times as friends without any problem or baggage. I still care about him, but have no desire to re-kindle the relationship, i.e. my mad-crazy crush is waning.
Fast forward to about two weeks ago. He has a party at his house that he invites me to (I should probably mention that he lives four houses down from mine as this will factor in). We have mutual friends so I was there to hang out with everyone, not just him. I had been drinking beforehand at dinner, and by the end of the night, I was seriously drunk.
This is where I fucked up. The party died down and most people left, including him, to go to the bar up the street. I went home feeling kind of down because I didn't really get to talk to him much. Now, feeling down + tons of alcohol = desperate girl. When I got home I sent him two text messages proclaming my essential desperation. I fell asleep and never got a response. The next morning, I was all 'oh fuck' and sent a retraction via text message.
To make a bad situation worse, I realized a few days later that he was seeing someone at the time, so now I'm just really fucking embarrassed seeing as how I have not gotten any kind of response, and whatever friendliness we had has died. Now I just try to avoid him, which is hard seeing as how we are neighbors. We say hi when we pass each other, but I'm afraid that I have just been grouped into the "crazy exes that I need to ignore" group of girls, even though this is behavior that I have never ever before displayed, drunk or sober.
Ok, now, getting to the present issue. While we were still seeing each other, my best guy friend arranged to move in with him at the beginning of june. At this point, it will be pretty much impossible to avoid him and I want to make an attempt at an apology so that we can be friends again. Let me state again that I do not want to try to re-kindle the relationship and whatever feelings I may or may not have left over will be easy to keep at bay. I do not desire to disrupt his new relationship. But I do want to be able to hang out with my guy friend at his house without making ex-guy feel like I'm hovering.
Since the move-in is in a less than two weeks, and since ex-guy's birthday is next week I was thinking about sending him an email essentially saying "Hey, I want to apologize for my behavior after your party so that we can be friends and things won't be weird when my friend moves in and maybe also pour you a drink for your birthday". I figure honestly is the best here, but I don't know if this is just going to come off as another desperate attempt at whatever.
So....... is this a good move? Should I not bother at all? Should I wait until we are forced to interact in a few weeks and see how things are then? Any suggestions, anecdotes, etc, are welcome.
I think that you should start dating someone (else) and pretend that there was no drunken texting incident. Or, if you have no other romantic prospects around, just pretend like everything is normal and just hang out with your guy friend and him.
Email might be just prolonging awkwardness. I don't think that you'd be perceived as "hovering" if you are over at the house if you are interacting with your guy friend and not hitting on this ex-guy dude.
posted by mustcatchmooseandsquirrel at 6:29 AM on May 18, 2007
Email might be just prolonging awkwardness. I don't think that you'd be perceived as "hovering" if you are over at the house if you are interacting with your guy friend and not hitting on this ex-guy dude.
posted by mustcatchmooseandsquirrel at 6:29 AM on May 18, 2007
time will ease this... i am a man, but have a pretty tight circle of female friends who i count as just as much as my "best" friends as i do a separate circle of mostly male friends... within that circle of female friends, over the course of 4 years i have drunkenly slept with one of them (a few times), made out with one of them (who i remain completely infatuated with), and turned down the advances of another. all of these factors are known to all the girls in the group (4 in all).
we have, however, got to the point as friends where these things are almost irrelevant -- it's all in the past, and while it was very briefly weird at some points, our friendships remain tight.
the point of this long anecdote is to simply say that good friendships can overcome a surprising amount of weirdness, drunken mistakes, and general bad decisions. if you both feel like its a good friendship, i don't think you have much to worry about.
posted by modernnomad at 6:40 AM on May 18, 2007 [2 favorites]
we have, however, got to the point as friends where these things are almost irrelevant -- it's all in the past, and while it was very briefly weird at some points, our friendships remain tight.
the point of this long anecdote is to simply say that good friendships can overcome a surprising amount of weirdness, drunken mistakes, and general bad decisions. if you both feel like its a good friendship, i don't think you have much to worry about.
posted by modernnomad at 6:40 AM on May 18, 2007 [2 favorites]
I agree with mustcatchmooseandsquirrel - you don't want to prolong the awkwardness by sending an email.
In my experience with these sorts of things, guys don't even think twice about things that we think must be dealbreakers. And think about over, and over, and over again. He probably didn't get any weird signals from your "behavior" after the party, so the more you try to apologize and make up for it and what not, the more you'll seem like you DO want to rekindle or have a more-than-friends attitude. If you essentially blow it off, he'll know it's no big deal to you and you two can proceed as friends.
I'm sure once your friend moves in with him everything will be fine between the two of you!
posted by slyboots421 at 6:44 AM on May 18, 2007
In my experience with these sorts of things, guys don't even think twice about things that we think must be dealbreakers. And think about over, and over, and over again. He probably didn't get any weird signals from your "behavior" after the party, so the more you try to apologize and make up for it and what not, the more you'll seem like you DO want to rekindle or have a more-than-friends attitude. If you essentially blow it off, he'll know it's no big deal to you and you two can proceed as friends.
I'm sure once your friend moves in with him everything will be fine between the two of you!
posted by slyboots421 at 6:44 AM on May 18, 2007
Drop it.
Stop mentionning it, stop emailing, stop apologizing. Each time you do, you make it worse because you make it clear that YOU can't let go of it.
Instead, just be coldly polite. Your friend has indicated that he wants distance and that he is not comfortable with more friendliness at this point. If you keep pushing, he is going to keep retreating and you are NOT going to get what you want. Instead, just do your own thing and show him you can respect his wishes and give him the distance he is asking for. That is probably the only thing that will bring him around and make him friendly to you in the future.
As for your best guy friend, behave with him as you normally do - go over the house and if you see the ex, be coldly polite and nothing more. It's uncomfortable for now, but put your impatience to solve this aside and just tolerate it for now, and it will ease.
Remember - by pursuing him to apologize you are being just as desperate as you were by sending the text messages. He is probably thinking "This woman is never going to leave me alone unless I act colder and meaner than I did before - she is just NOT getting the message".
posted by zia at 6:45 AM on May 18, 2007 [1 favorite]
Stop mentionning it, stop emailing, stop apologizing. Each time you do, you make it worse because you make it clear that YOU can't let go of it.
Instead, just be coldly polite. Your friend has indicated that he wants distance and that he is not comfortable with more friendliness at this point. If you keep pushing, he is going to keep retreating and you are NOT going to get what you want. Instead, just do your own thing and show him you can respect his wishes and give him the distance he is asking for. That is probably the only thing that will bring him around and make him friendly to you in the future.
As for your best guy friend, behave with him as you normally do - go over the house and if you see the ex, be coldly polite and nothing more. It's uncomfortable for now, but put your impatience to solve this aside and just tolerate it for now, and it will ease.
Remember - by pursuing him to apologize you are being just as desperate as you were by sending the text messages. He is probably thinking "This woman is never going to leave me alone unless I act colder and meaner than I did before - she is just NOT getting the message".
posted by zia at 6:45 AM on May 18, 2007 [1 favorite]
Instead, just be coldly polite.
No need to act bitchy because you're embarrassed about your drunken behavior.
But, dropping it seems like the right thing to do. I'm sure he's as eager to forget it as you are, so just leave it alone and make an effort to act normal, friendly, and not like an obsessive ex.
posted by myeviltwin at 7:04 AM on May 18, 2007 [1 favorite]
No need to act bitchy because you're embarrassed about your drunken behavior.
But, dropping it seems like the right thing to do. I'm sure he's as eager to forget it as you are, so just leave it alone and make an effort to act normal, friendly, and not like an obsessive ex.
posted by myeviltwin at 7:04 AM on May 18, 2007 [1 favorite]
Drunk texting is what people do nowadays. Before that there was drunk dialing, and prior to that, drunk semaphoring and drunk smoke signalling. It's an essential part of the human condition, and in fact, my in-depth study of T'ang-era Chinese poetry indicates that if it weren't for wine and women, there would essentially have been no poetry at all in the Middle Kingdom.
Everyone knows this, and the polite reaction for all involved is to pretend it never happened, which is what you should do. (The impolite reaction, of course, is for the recipient to forward the message to all of his or her buddies.)
And also you should get one of those automatic texting blockers that kick in during party time so as to prevent your next outburst of inebriated soul-baring.
posted by Midnight Creeper at 7:17 AM on May 18, 2007 [5 favorites]
Everyone knows this, and the polite reaction for all involved is to pretend it never happened, which is what you should do. (The impolite reaction, of course, is for the recipient to forward the message to all of his or her buddies.)
And also you should get one of those automatic texting blockers that kick in during party time so as to prevent your next outburst of inebriated soul-baring.
posted by Midnight Creeper at 7:17 AM on May 18, 2007 [5 favorites]
His distance might be because he's thinking "maybe I did something that misled her, so I'll be careful and not say too much around her."
But he's a guy, so it's more likely that he has no clue why you're acting this way, and he's forgotten all about the messages.
Act like nothing happened. Casually ask him about his new girlfriend. Be friendly to her if you all hang out together. And when you start dating someone else, bring him around to your best friend's new place.
posted by desjardins at 7:29 AM on May 18, 2007
But he's a guy, so it's more likely that he has no clue why you're acting this way, and he's forgotten all about the messages.
Act like nothing happened. Casually ask him about his new girlfriend. Be friendly to her if you all hang out together. And when you start dating someone else, bring him around to your best friend's new place.
posted by desjardins at 7:29 AM on May 18, 2007
What zia said. You’ve already apologised, so there’s no point in apologising again. Unless of course you’re trying to provoke a response, which is selfish of you.
He either accepted your apology or didn’t. Stalking him isn’t going to change a ‘didn’t accept’ into a ‘did.’
Guys often communicate through their actions. If they don’t talk to you, they are telling you very clearly that they don’t want to talk to you. Respect that. It isn’t what you want to hear but it’s true anyway.
posted by kika at 7:35 AM on May 18, 2007 [2 favorites]
He either accepted your apology or didn’t. Stalking him isn’t going to change a ‘didn’t accept’ into a ‘did.’
Guys often communicate through their actions. If they don’t talk to you, they are telling you very clearly that they don’t want to talk to you. Respect that. It isn’t what you want to hear but it’s true anyway.
posted by kika at 7:35 AM on May 18, 2007 [2 favorites]
Chiming in: drop it, keep your distance, carry on as usual with your friend, learn your lesson about TUI.
posted by thinkpiece at 7:36 AM on May 18, 2007
posted by thinkpiece at 7:36 AM on May 18, 2007
don't mention the event. smile, be friendly but cool, and if you go over there, make sure you're spending most of your time and attention on the friend, not him.
posted by thinkingwoman at 7:52 AM on May 18, 2007
posted by thinkingwoman at 7:52 AM on May 18, 2007
To make a bad situation worse, I realized a few days later that he was seeing someone at the time, so now I'm just really fucking embarrassed seeing as how I have not gotten any kind of response, and whatever friendliness we had has died. Now I just try to avoid him, which is hard seeing as how we are neighbors. We say hi when we pass each other, but I'm afraid that I have just been grouped into the "crazy exes that I need to ignore" group of girls, even though this is behavior that I have never ever before displayed, drunk or sober.
Drop. It. Your friendliness has died because you are making A Really Big Deal over a little bit of drunk texting. A little bit of drunk texting is not a big deal. Stop avoiding him, stop freaking out about what he thinks about you. For the love of god, pull yourself together and be cool.
He did the right thing by not replying to (or god, forbid, taking advantage of) your drunk texting. He still acknowledges you when you see each other. He is following all protocol here, and you're still all OMG!! This is so weird! It's not weird. Everyone has said something dumb when drunk. Move on.
posted by desuetude at 8:30 AM on May 18, 2007
Drop. It. Your friendliness has died because you are making A Really Big Deal over a little bit of drunk texting. A little bit of drunk texting is not a big deal. Stop avoiding him, stop freaking out about what he thinks about you. For the love of god, pull yourself together and be cool.
He did the right thing by not replying to (or god, forbid, taking advantage of) your drunk texting. He still acknowledges you when you see each other. He is following all protocol here, and you're still all OMG!! This is so weird! It's not weird. Everyone has said something dumb when drunk. Move on.
posted by desuetude at 8:30 AM on May 18, 2007
I agree with the advice above to let go and carry on as if nothing weird happened. Give yourself a break too - drunk texting happens.
I offer a caveat with that email though -- write it, be blazingly honest and get it all out. But don't send it. Write more, if you're still feeling weird. And don't send those. File them away for your reference if you want - these aren't for him; they're for you. For me, writing unsent letters has been a remarkably effective way to work through strong emotions and to just "unblock."
posted by lucyleaf at 8:57 AM on May 18, 2007
I offer a caveat with that email though -- write it, be blazingly honest and get it all out. But don't send it. Write more, if you're still feeling weird. And don't send those. File them away for your reference if you want - these aren't for him; they're for you. For me, writing unsent letters has been a remarkably effective way to work through strong emotions and to just "unblock."
posted by lucyleaf at 8:57 AM on May 18, 2007
I want to make an attempt at an apology so that we can be friends again.
Please don't. Most people don't hold things like drunk texting against one another. Assume that he understands why it happened and is creating space for you to reclaim your pride.
"...so that we can be friends and things won't be weird when my friend moves in and maybe also pour you a drink for your birthday."
The only way to make this happen is to simply act natural. Celebrate your friend's move, enjoy adult beverage responsibly, go home at an appropriate, if not early hour. Be warm, but remain independent. It's okay to smile and wave to Guy from across the room, but let everything else happen naturally.
Chances are, you will remain friends and things won't be weird. Model your behavior after these two realities and you should do fine.
I don't know if this is just going to come off as another desperate attempt at whatever.
Maybe not desperate, but definitely perseverating on awkward interactions.
Should I wait until we are forced to interact in a few weeks and see how things are then?
Don't push, don't wait. Just be. You're neighbors, so keep up with the casual hello routine. If given an opening, make easy conversation about something you'd normally talk about as friends. Let him set the pace, and if he doesn't come around with accepting/welcoming vibes, don't automatically assume him to be your enemy either.
modernnomad really has it.
posted by cior at 11:43 AM on May 18, 2007
Please don't. Most people don't hold things like drunk texting against one another. Assume that he understands why it happened and is creating space for you to reclaim your pride.
"...so that we can be friends and things won't be weird when my friend moves in and maybe also pour you a drink for your birthday."
The only way to make this happen is to simply act natural. Celebrate your friend's move, enjoy adult beverage responsibly, go home at an appropriate, if not early hour. Be warm, but remain independent. It's okay to smile and wave to Guy from across the room, but let everything else happen naturally.
Chances are, you will remain friends and things won't be weird. Model your behavior after these two realities and you should do fine.
I don't know if this is just going to come off as another desperate attempt at whatever.
Maybe not desperate, but definitely perseverating on awkward interactions.
Should I wait until we are forced to interact in a few weeks and see how things are then?
Don't push, don't wait. Just be. You're neighbors, so keep up with the casual hello routine. If given an opening, make easy conversation about something you'd normally talk about as friends. Let him set the pace, and if he doesn't come around with accepting/welcoming vibes, don't automatically assume him to be your enemy either.
modernnomad really has it.
posted by cior at 11:43 AM on May 18, 2007
The next morning, I was all 'oh fuck' and sent a retraction via text message.
...
and I want to make an attempt at an apology so that we can be friends again.
Was the retraction not an apology? Let it go. You fucked up, you apologized (or some simulation thereof), you're done. If it comes up again and you didn't actually apologize you can say "you know, I realize I never properly apologized for that. sorry for being such a fool." AND DROP IT.
Refusing to let something drop is worse than fucking up and saying you're sorry once. Plus, it sends the message that you haven't forgiven yourself, and if you haven't forgiven you then why should I?
posted by phearlez at 12:10 PM on May 18, 2007
...
and I want to make an attempt at an apology so that we can be friends again.
Was the retraction not an apology? Let it go. You fucked up, you apologized (or some simulation thereof), you're done. If it comes up again and you didn't actually apologize you can say "you know, I realize I never properly apologized for that. sorry for being such a fool." AND DROP IT.
Refusing to let something drop is worse than fucking up and saying you're sorry once. Plus, it sends the message that you haven't forgiven yourself, and if you haven't forgiven you then why should I?
posted by phearlez at 12:10 PM on May 18, 2007
Here’s my take on it—the more you fester on the subject, the worse it’ll seem. I know you want to clear the air, but you’ve already sent him a text message saying that you were drunk and you didn’t mean it. Going on and on about it may not be the right way to go. And hey, if I was the guy in question, I would’ve been flattered (not at the state in which you were in when you’d made the proposition), that you were still interested in me:)
So chill, relax, and go over there as if everything’s a-okay. And if your ex acts all weird, then it’s his problem. And if you do want to get the air cleared that badly, wait until you get the cold shoulder from him, or any such treatment which might imply that he’s got the wrong impression about you, and tell him what you want to.
Best of luck!
posted by hadjiboy at 2:27 PM on May 18, 2007
So chill, relax, and go over there as if everything’s a-okay. And if your ex acts all weird, then it’s his problem. And if you do want to get the air cleared that badly, wait until you get the cold shoulder from him, or any such treatment which might imply that he’s got the wrong impression about you, and tell him what you want to.
Best of luck!
posted by hadjiboy at 2:27 PM on May 18, 2007
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posted by kittyprecious at 6:23 AM on May 18, 2007