This could be a sitcom plot...if it was actually funny.
June 23, 2013 2:00 PM Subscribe
One of three mutual friends of mine (who are all roommates) has been behaving very strangely and it is making things awkward. Should I address this or hope it goes away on its own?
We are (were?) a very close group of friends. Guy 1, Guy 2, and Girl 1 live in a house together, and I am there a lot. Girl 3 is not really part of this story directly, as she is out-of-town for the summer.
Guy 1 has been throwing mixed signals since his recent break-up. Sending me txts and saying things to me that, according to Guy 2, are clearly flirty/pick-up lines. I called Guy 1 on it, and he denied it, saying he was just talking to me as a friend. This went on for a couple of weeks right up until we had a birthday party for Guy 1. He even called me to make sure I was coming. And when I arrived...he completely ignored me. Guy 1 had invited one of his friends, Hot Chick, and they were flirting hot and heavy. No big, but I was pretty pissy with the fact that he didn't even acknowledge me at the party. I have been very supportive of him with his recent issues, and I feel that even is he doesn't mean anything by flirting with me, he should be a decent friend.
It has gotten worse since the party a few days ago. Guy 1 is actively avoiding me. I went to their house to watch movies yesterday, and Guy 2 said that as soon as I pulled up in the driveway Guy 1 retreated to his room. Didn't say hello, nothing. It is making things very awkward. Guy 2 and I were up late discussing the issues. The next morning, Guy 2 texts me to tell me that Guy 1 came out of his room in the morning and the first thing he asked about was what we were doing up so late. Guy 2 says that we were talking, and Guy 1 tells him that we seem to get along well, so why doesn't Guy 1 ask me out. Guy 1 found this odd, as we are good friends, he is not interested in that, and doing stuff like that usually creates giant messes.
Guy 2 and I want everyone to feel welcome/comfortable in the house, not like they have to hide out or something. Guy 2 feels that Guy 1 does not realize that there is a problem. We are all in school together. I just want all of us to be able to hang out and have fun. I have not talked to Girl 1 (the other roommate) about this because she needs to be drama-free right now. As do I. Should I just ignore this and hope it goes away? Or should I confront Guy 1 directly and get it over with? Suggestions?
We are (were?) a very close group of friends. Guy 1, Guy 2, and Girl 1 live in a house together, and I am there a lot. Girl 3 is not really part of this story directly, as she is out-of-town for the summer.
Guy 1 has been throwing mixed signals since his recent break-up. Sending me txts and saying things to me that, according to Guy 2, are clearly flirty/pick-up lines. I called Guy 1 on it, and he denied it, saying he was just talking to me as a friend. This went on for a couple of weeks right up until we had a birthday party for Guy 1. He even called me to make sure I was coming. And when I arrived...he completely ignored me. Guy 1 had invited one of his friends, Hot Chick, and they were flirting hot and heavy. No big, but I was pretty pissy with the fact that he didn't even acknowledge me at the party. I have been very supportive of him with his recent issues, and I feel that even is he doesn't mean anything by flirting with me, he should be a decent friend.
It has gotten worse since the party a few days ago. Guy 1 is actively avoiding me. I went to their house to watch movies yesterday, and Guy 2 said that as soon as I pulled up in the driveway Guy 1 retreated to his room. Didn't say hello, nothing. It is making things very awkward. Guy 2 and I were up late discussing the issues. The next morning, Guy 2 texts me to tell me that Guy 1 came out of his room in the morning and the first thing he asked about was what we were doing up so late. Guy 2 says that we were talking, and Guy 1 tells him that we seem to get along well, so why doesn't Guy 1 ask me out. Guy 1 found this odd, as we are good friends, he is not interested in that, and doing stuff like that usually creates giant messes.
Guy 2 and I want everyone to feel welcome/comfortable in the house, not like they have to hide out or something. Guy 2 feels that Guy 1 does not realize that there is a problem. We are all in school together. I just want all of us to be able to hang out and have fun. I have not talked to Girl 1 (the other roommate) about this because she needs to be drama-free right now. As do I. Should I just ignore this and hope it goes away? Or should I confront Guy 1 directly and get it over with? Suggestions?
You and Guy 2 need to stop making this into your telenovela. Guy 1 appears to be being a shit friend; you need to decide how you feel about this and act accordingly. Guy 2 should also act accordingly. The two of you need to stop gossiping between yourselves, stop playing telephone, stop spying and reporting back (you know he's doing it behind YOUR back too, right? For all you know, Guy 2 has entirely manufactured this situation by manipulating you and Guy 1).
Either speak to Guy 1 or don't, but stop talking to anyone else about it.
posted by Lyn Never at 2:11 PM on June 23, 2013 [11 favorites]
Either speak to Guy 1 or don't, but stop talking to anyone else about it.
posted by Lyn Never at 2:11 PM on June 23, 2013 [11 favorites]
It sounds like you really want to date Guy 1. Do you? If you don't, then none of what you wrote really matters. Just let him go through his post-breakup whatever, hang out with whomever you want to hang out with, and let everything else slide. If I read this correctly, it seems like you stayed up very late with Guy 2 talking about Guy 1. Is this the case? If so, I would stay away from that kind of gossip in the future. There are so many more interesting and fun things to do that do not involve discussing a friend/roommate without them present.
I think if you address his behavior, it will make the drama level rise significantly. The best thing here is to shake your head and let him do what he wants to do. If his behavior is getting to the point where he is blowing off plans that you and the roommates make, then perhaps you would want to talk with him, but the behavior you described is rather benign in my opinion.
posted by ruhroh at 2:13 PM on June 23, 2013 [3 favorites]
I think if you address his behavior, it will make the drama level rise significantly. The best thing here is to shake your head and let him do what he wants to do. If his behavior is getting to the point where he is blowing off plans that you and the roommates make, then perhaps you would want to talk with him, but the behavior you described is rather benign in my opinion.
posted by ruhroh at 2:13 PM on June 23, 2013 [3 favorites]
It sounds as if you are really asking whether we think Guy 1 is interested in you.
Who knows, but either way, let him be. He's on the rebound, big time.
Also, stop gossiping about him with Guy 2, and anyone else. Honestly, it sounds kind of disrespectful and childish. Stop feeding the drama.
posted by Salamander at 2:20 PM on June 23, 2013 [3 favorites]
Who knows, but either way, let him be. He's on the rebound, big time.
Also, stop gossiping about him with Guy 2, and anyone else. Honestly, it sounds kind of disrespectful and childish. Stop feeding the drama.
posted by Salamander at 2:20 PM on June 23, 2013 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Not interested in dating Guy 1, just want to maintain a peaceful, drama-free house where we can all hang out. I just want Guy 1 to not be shitty to me. We were very good friends and he did a sudden 180. So while I understand that break-ups require recovery time, it doesn't give him license to treat me like I had something to do with it. Guy 2 and I were discussing the radical change in Guy 1's behavior (towards us, and not mentioned above, recent substance abuse). We want to help Guy 1 but not sure if we can or should.
posted by bolognius maximus at 2:21 PM on June 23, 2013
posted by bolognius maximus at 2:21 PM on June 23, 2013
Response by poster: Shitty behavior directly mostly at me, though.
posted by bolognius maximus at 2:21 PM on June 23, 2013
posted by bolognius maximus at 2:21 PM on June 23, 2013
Best answer: Without getting any other side to this story my initial reaction, with Guy 1 acting weird ever since you called him out on flirting - followed by you pretty clearly indicating you are not interested in dating him - is that Guy 1 is sulking over the fact that you turned him down. Even though you really didn't intend to do that, but were just trying to clear the air. (This is what it sounds like you are saying.)
If you really do not wish to date him, which as others have indicated is a good plan since he would be on the rebound, then just ignore the behavior and eventually it will peter out. Treat him normally as much as possible, and stop talking about it, and it will go away more quickly.
posted by Glinn at 2:25 PM on June 23, 2013 [7 favorites]
If you really do not wish to date him, which as others have indicated is a good plan since he would be on the rebound, then just ignore the behavior and eventually it will peter out. Treat him normally as much as possible, and stop talking about it, and it will go away more quickly.
posted by Glinn at 2:25 PM on June 23, 2013 [7 favorites]
I agree with Glinn's reading of the situation. Whatever is going on, Guy 1 is going through some emotions now, and not handling them well in terms of his treatment of you (and also maybe in terms of substance abuse).
As far as the treatment of you, part of the story may be that he feels like you rejected him by rejecting his advances. And he may see that as coming on top of his recent break-up. I think the best way to handle this is to give him some space so he can get over feeling rejected and being embarrassed. Don't be cold, but don't seek him out, either. Be your normal self, but maybe a little less proactive in reaching out to him than usual. When he eventually sorts himself out, you two can pick up where you left off, and hopefully an apology will be forthcoming then.
I wouldn't call him out on it just yet, but if he is really crappy or mean to you, it's fair to call him out on the bad behavior.
The substance abuse complicates the situation. The most important thing is his health and well-being. If you're really worried about his health, then try to intervene in whatever way you think might help. Perhaps this would be more effective coming from Guy 2 than from you right now, if your friendship with him is kind of fraught (at least in Guy 1's mind) right now.
posted by pompelmo at 2:54 PM on June 23, 2013 [1 favorite]
As far as the treatment of you, part of the story may be that he feels like you rejected him by rejecting his advances. And he may see that as coming on top of his recent break-up. I think the best way to handle this is to give him some space so he can get over feeling rejected and being embarrassed. Don't be cold, but don't seek him out, either. Be your normal self, but maybe a little less proactive in reaching out to him than usual. When he eventually sorts himself out, you two can pick up where you left off, and hopefully an apology will be forthcoming then.
I wouldn't call him out on it just yet, but if he is really crappy or mean to you, it's fair to call him out on the bad behavior.
The substance abuse complicates the situation. The most important thing is his health and well-being. If you're really worried about his health, then try to intervene in whatever way you think might help. Perhaps this would be more effective coming from Guy 2 than from you right now, if your friendship with him is kind of fraught (at least in Guy 1's mind) right now.
posted by pompelmo at 2:54 PM on June 23, 2013 [1 favorite]
I just want Guy 1 to not be shitty to me. We were very good friends and he did a sudden 180.
Unfortunately, this is totally outside your control, so it may well just not happen. You can only control how you view this and how you behave.
I don't know what his deal with you is, but he's obviously going through a tough time right now. What's going on in his head is not really your business unless he decides to share.
How her treats you IS your business, but there's no way to immediately roll back the situation. All you can do is give him space, not take things too personally, try to manifest the friendly relationship you want, and protect yourself (e.g., leave the party).
In particular, it doesn't really matter if he likes you, since you don't like him in that way. Further confronting this issue would probably put additional pressure on the relationship and create further drama.
To offer a cheesy analogy, if his heart was broken by this breakup, he needs time and space for it to heal. Maybe he reached to use you as a crutch, but you weren't available, and maybe that hurt too. While it sucks that he's not the happy and healthy guy he used to be, poking at the injuries won't help. I'm sorry about this awkward situation. Hopefully it will blow over soon.
posted by salvia at 3:15 PM on June 23, 2013 [1 favorite]
Unfortunately, this is totally outside your control, so it may well just not happen. You can only control how you view this and how you behave.
I don't know what his deal with you is, but he's obviously going through a tough time right now. What's going on in his head is not really your business unless he decides to share.
How her treats you IS your business, but there's no way to immediately roll back the situation. All you can do is give him space, not take things too personally, try to manifest the friendly relationship you want, and protect yourself (e.g., leave the party).
In particular, it doesn't really matter if he likes you, since you don't like him in that way. Further confronting this issue would probably put additional pressure on the relationship and create further drama.
To offer a cheesy analogy, if his heart was broken by this breakup, he needs time and space for it to heal. Maybe he reached to use you as a crutch, but you weren't available, and maybe that hurt too. While it sucks that he's not the happy and healthy guy he used to be, poking at the injuries won't help. I'm sorry about this awkward situation. Hopefully it will blow over soon.
posted by salvia at 3:15 PM on June 23, 2013 [1 favorite]
It seems like Guy 1 wants some space but you are over at his house, hanging out there all the time when you don't even live there. And you want everyone to 'feel comfortable' in that house, that you don't live in. So maybe give the guy some space, and hang out with Guy 2 elsewhere. For god's sake, don't be in Guy 1's house, talking about him to Guy 2 after he has retreated from the room- how on earth would that make him feel comfortable in his own home?
I just think you need to give him some space, Girl 1 is busy, just hang out with Guy 2 ...maybe at your place?
posted by bquarters at 3:36 PM on June 23, 2013 [27 favorites]
I just think you need to give him some space, Girl 1 is busy, just hang out with Guy 2 ...maybe at your place?
posted by bquarters at 3:36 PM on June 23, 2013 [27 favorites]
If I was flirting with someone and they "called me out on it" instead of politely declining my advances ... I'd feel pretty weird and act pretty weird probably.
That isn't to place the blame for his actions on you — we are all responsible only for ourselves — but may help explain what's up. He's going through a tough time and has complicated feelings for you. Give him space and time.
posted by wemayfreeze at 4:08 PM on June 23, 2013 [6 favorites]
That isn't to place the blame for his actions on you — we are all responsible only for ourselves — but may help explain what's up. He's going through a tough time and has complicated feelings for you. Give him space and time.
posted by wemayfreeze at 4:08 PM on June 23, 2013 [6 favorites]
Guy 1 sent out some flirting as a trial balloon to see if you were interested. You made it clear you were not interested. He denied it to avoid embarrassment and is giving you tons of space to avoid accusations of continuing to flirt even though you've said you're not interested.
In short, he showed a bit of interest, you smacked him down, and he's giving you space. Stop making it anything more than that, and it will pass. Keep revisiting it, and it will go on for a long time. Your choice.
posted by davejay at 4:17 PM on June 23, 2013 [6 favorites]
In short, he showed a bit of interest, you smacked him down, and he's giving you space. Stop making it anything more than that, and it will pass. Keep revisiting it, and it will go on for a long time. Your choice.
posted by davejay at 4:17 PM on June 23, 2013 [6 favorites]
* Guy 1 is avoiding you because you called him on the flirting, and told him it was unwelcome --- he's probably somewhat embarrassed.
* Guy 2 needs to get a life and stop messing with other people's lives: he should butt out and mind his own business, instead of inserting himself as some sort of go-between between you and Guy 1. Stop telling him what you think about Guy 1 or his actions; stop listening to what Guy 2 says Guy 1 said.
* If you want to know what Guy 1 is thinking or doing, ASK HIM, not other people.
posted by easily confused at 6:07 PM on June 23, 2013 [3 favorites]
* Guy 2 needs to get a life and stop messing with other people's lives: he should butt out and mind his own business, instead of inserting himself as some sort of go-between between you and Guy 1. Stop telling him what you think about Guy 1 or his actions; stop listening to what Guy 2 says Guy 1 said.
* If you want to know what Guy 1 is thinking or doing, ASK HIM, not other people.
posted by easily confused at 6:07 PM on June 23, 2013 [3 favorites]
easily confused said EXACTLY what i was thinking so just listen to them.
posted by wildflower at 7:12 PM on June 23, 2013
posted by wildflower at 7:12 PM on June 23, 2013
Dramaz!!
Who needs it?
Quit yacking with Guy 2. Be polite, but generally quit chasing and ignore Guy 1. He's a flake. Why would you want to be involved with him.
Girl 1 sounds like the only adult in the room.
posted by BlueHorse at 7:28 PM on June 23, 2013
Who needs it?
Quit yacking with Guy 2. Be polite, but generally quit chasing and ignore Guy 1. He's a flake. Why would you want to be involved with him.
Girl 1 sounds like the only adult in the room.
posted by BlueHorse at 7:28 PM on June 23, 2013
You and Guy 2 need to stop discussing this. Guy 2 sounds like a shit-stirrer encouraging you to confront Guy 1, all. Stop falling for his concern trolling - he's secretly a dick.
Guy 1 lives with Guy 2, so you are an easier target.
I also HATE people who get up in my business.
Butt Out of Guy 1's life.
As a bonus, stop hanging out with Guy 2 at the house. He's also chit chatting inappropriately behind your back with Guy 1. You can't fix this now. Back off. Back off.
posted by jbenben at 8:13 PM on June 23, 2013 [3 favorites]
Guy 1 lives with Guy 2, so you are an easier target.
I also HATE people who get up in my business.
Butt Out of Guy 1's life.
As a bonus, stop hanging out with Guy 2 at the house. He's also chit chatting inappropriately behind your back with Guy 1. You can't fix this now. Back off. Back off.
posted by jbenben at 8:13 PM on June 23, 2013 [3 favorites]
Just for the record, the birthday party treatment sounds like (a) you're the back-up flirtation plan, for when there's not a "better target" present (this is shit-head behavior, run away!), and (b) he's got some conflicted feelings about you that he's not up to handling well, for whatever reason.
He's not a prospect, not a project. I agree with advice to hang out somewhere else for a while, treat him neutrally until he seems to merit being considered friend material (if ever). Minimize the drama by not stirring it up, just get on with your own lives...
posted by acm at 7:49 AM on June 24, 2013
He's not a prospect, not a project. I agree with advice to hang out somewhere else for a while, treat him neutrally until he seems to merit being considered friend material (if ever). Minimize the drama by not stirring it up, just get on with your own lives...
posted by acm at 7:49 AM on June 24, 2013
Guy 1 is being kind of an ass. So wait until he converts back to human and leave it alone until then. Go, hang out with the other folks and don't think about or talk about Guy 1, until he's ready to come out and be socible.
Who knows why he's doing this, more to the point, who cares. It's his thing, not yours.
It sucks when your friends act weird, and it may have something to do with you, but there's a 90% chance it has NOTHING to do with you.
So let him go through whatever he's going through, and act how he's going to act, and at the end of the day, either he's your friend or he's not.
Frankly, I'd move the festivities to my house and not go over there and be all up in everyone's grill.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 9:00 AM on June 24, 2013 [1 favorite]
Who knows why he's doing this, more to the point, who cares. It's his thing, not yours.
It sucks when your friends act weird, and it may have something to do with you, but there's a 90% chance it has NOTHING to do with you.
So let him go through whatever he's going through, and act how he's going to act, and at the end of the day, either he's your friend or he's not.
Frankly, I'd move the festivities to my house and not go over there and be all up in everyone's grill.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 9:00 AM on June 24, 2013 [1 favorite]
Guy 1 feels rejected, an unpleasant feeling often accompanied by resentment. Go over, go to Guy 1's room, tell him you value him as a friend, took him at his word about not flirting, and would appreciate it if he'd go back to treating you as a proper friend. It may not work, as once someone goes down the more-than-friend path, it can be hard to go back, but it should improve his pouting bullshit.
posted by theora55 at 9:15 AM on June 24, 2013
posted by theora55 at 9:15 AM on June 24, 2013
« Older Best sing-along version of the Star Spangled... | What's the best way to catch up on 3 years of tax... Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
You're not responsible for anyone else's emotional state, and as much fun as it can be to have a bunch of roommates who are all best friends and want to hang out in the living room all the time like Rachel and Monica, if someone wants to hide out in their room, the nicest thing to do is to let them and not turn it into An Issue.
Guy 1 is obviously having some post breakup issues either with regard to you in particular or women in general, so unless you want to date him (and even then, I don't advise it), you should let him play that out himself. It's pretty normal to act odd around people, especially in close quarters, after a breakup.
posted by telegraph at 2:05 PM on June 23, 2013 [10 favorites]