Can my female roommate sublet to a guy without my approval?

April 6, 2007 11:41 AM

My roommate wants to move out, and has found some random guy to sublease. I'm not comfortable living with Random Guy. What can I do to keep this from happening?

My roommate and I live in an apartment complex where we each sign our own leases. There's over a hundred apartments in the building. They'll typically match you with same-sex roommates if you don't have someone in mind already, but I'm pretty sure they will rent to opposite sex pairs and small families.

My lease was due to end in May, but I extended it to mid-August so I could hang around over the summer and get my bearings after I graduate. Her lease runs through August, but she wants to move somewhere else after graduating. Yesterday, she approached me and said "I found a subleaser! Do you want to meet him?!"

I like to think that I'm a fairly liberal, open-minded person (yeah, yeah, that's a red flag, I know), but the idea of living with a guy I don't know beforehand squicks me out more than a little. I'm just not comfortable with it. This thought apparently has not entered her head, but I was obviously not pleased when she was telling me.

I'm pretty confident that the apartment managers will be happy to let him take over her lease, but live in a different apartment (since they're college apartments, they tend to be pretty empty over the summer). Just in case, though, is there any legal backing to my stance? I can't imagine, with the religious right being what it is in mid-America, that one could be forced to live with someone of the opposite sex in order to run out their lease. Aside from that, is there anything else I could do to keep Random Dude out of my apartment? I'm not particularly religious, but I'm not above claiming to be to keep it from happening.

posted by almostmanda to Society & Culture (34 answers total)

I think you should sue your friend.

Alternatively, you could wait it out and see what happens. Maybe even suspend your judgment of random guy until you meet random guy. Random guy might be your new best friend!

These things happen. Roll with it, don't fight it.
posted by billysumday at 11:48 AM on April 6, 2007

Have you considered simply talking to Random Dude and telling him that you're not comfortable having him room with you, and that your current roomie didn't involve in her subleasing plan? He'd probably reconsider taking up the lease pretty quickly if he realized he was barging into a hostile (so to speak) environment.
posted by cortex at 11:49 AM on April 6, 2007

First step: what does the lease say about subleasing? If they're running a 'separate leases plus shared living space plus subleasing permitted' setup, I'd guess (hope?) that they're not slapdash enough to neglect this. Second step: talk to the apt. managers. Then look at state law.
posted by holgate at 11:50 AM on April 6, 2007 [1 favorite]

depending on where you live you might be able to pull the "cohabitation is illegal" argument. (although so is jaywalking)

http://www.sullivan-county.com/news/deist1999/7_states.htm
posted by noloveforned at 11:51 AM on April 6, 2007

Ask your roommate to keep looking. But I don't really get the problem. What "open-mindedness" is required to have non-involved opposite-sex roommates without "squickiness"? Three's Company was like 30 years ago.
posted by DU at 11:55 AM on April 6, 2007

You are not being unreasonable. I ended up living with a guy in a similar situation that turned out to wave guns and boarding up the garage because he "had made someone mad and they might try to steal the truck tonight".

The facts are it is statistically more unsafe for a young woman to live with a young man she doesn't know than another young woman. It would probably still be a very small chance that he is creepy, but there is no point in living in a situation that makes you uncomfortable.
posted by stormygrey at 11:59 AM on April 6, 2007 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: What "open-mindedness" is required to have non-involved opposite-sex roommates without "squickiness"?

It's not so much the "living with a guy" that bothers me, just one that I don't know. If he was a friend, or even a casual acquaintance, it would be one different.

Also, if it helps, she will have to get the approval of the apartment managers before any of this could happen.
posted by almostmanda at 12:02 PM on April 6, 2007

I wouldn't want to live with some random person I didn't know, regardless of gender. The way I see it, it's your roommate's responsibility to either pay her lease to its end (regardless of whether or not she lives there) or find a suitable sublessee, where suitable is defined according to your preferences. Anything else is fantastically rude, which (if you feel that way) you really need to impress upon her. People who like to live with weird strangers sometimes don't understand the mindset of those of us who are creeped out by it; maybe she just doesn't realize this might be a problem for you.
posted by uncleozzy at 12:06 PM on April 6, 2007

You should really be asking this to the management of your apartment complex. I don't know how anyone here is going to be able to give you a more accurate answer than they can.
posted by MsMolly at 12:08 PM on April 6, 2007

These situations never work out that well. She's trying to get rid of one problem by giving you another one. On the other hand, if you were out looking for a roommate for those months, you'd have a hassle on your hands, a lot of work to help her skip out a few months early on the lease.

Just say no, you don't want to live with a person you don't know, and see what happens. Or, tell the building manager you don't want to live with a stranger, and see if that influences his decision. Either way, the only way to be sure you're comfortable is to find your own roommmate.
posted by jon_kill at 12:09 PM on April 6, 2007

If I were in this situation, I would try *maybe* offer to meet with the guy, but with a veto power over the sub-leaser. In exchange, I'd actively help search for a sub-leaser that I would like.
posted by drezdn at 12:11 PM on April 6, 2007

The other thing that might be worth trying (if your place has a ton of units) would be see if you can deflect the subleasor into one of the other units that would be more happy with him, and find someone for your apartment (considering that you're moving, there's the chance that the landlord might have very little interest in helping with this).
posted by drezdn at 12:12 PM on April 6, 2007

What "open-mindedness" is required to have non-involved opposite-sex roommates without "squickiness"?

That's obviously not the problem had by the questioner. Rather, how does she know that Random Dude is not actually mentally ill, who will make passes at her, steal her stuff, masturbate while sniffing her panties, rape her, etc.?

What person in their right mind would be comfortable with a random dude moving in with them?
posted by jayder at 12:12 PM on April 6, 2007 [2 favorites]

Oh, I forgot to offer my advice. Tell your roommate she needs to tell Random Dude he is no longer in consideration for the spot; read your lease to see if there's any provision that backs you up; and contact the management to alert them to this problem. This problem should be very easy to resolve.
posted by jayder at 12:14 PM on April 6, 2007

My niece had this same problem. Her college roommate suddenly got a summer job in her hometown and bailed on my niece, offering up some random guy to replace her. My niece's parents ended up calling the other girl's parents and they realized it was a stupid (and possibly dangerous) thing to do to my niece and ended up paying their daughter's summer rent and my niece got the place to herself. Obviously this won't work for everyone, but my niece and her roomie were kinda young, and I guess the roomie's parents had money.
posted by GaelFC at 12:18 PM on April 6, 2007

Agree with drezdn. If you are going to picky about who you live with (and you have every right to be), then you need to be an active part of the search. Otherwise there could be an endless string of potential subleasers that your roommate keeps bringing home, only to have you repeatedly veto them. That's hardly fair to your current roommate. Not saying an endless string is likely to happen, but she apparantly doesn't share your judgement of what makes a good roommate so it would be frustrating for her if you don't get involved.
posted by PercussivePaul at 12:28 PM on April 6, 2007

This thought apparently has not entered her head, but I was obviously not pleased when she was telling me.

Did you tell her this in this many words, or was she supposed to pick up on it on her own?
posted by smackfu at 12:35 PM on April 6, 2007 [1 favorite]

I used to work in an apt complex that was student housing, it sounds like the same thing with everyone having a separate lease and bedroom but sharing the common areas of kitchen, dining and living room.

If someone was subleasing, every person in that apt that was staying had to come to the office and sign a paper stating that they were ok with the person coming in. If you're not comfortable, then let the management know. I"m pretty sure they'd be responsive to your concerns.
posted by hollygoheavy at 12:35 PM on April 6, 2007

Talk to your roommate and tell her you'd like to meet the guy before you OK the transaction. Then meet him. Refusing to do even that would be, IMO, just plain sexism.

Or just a reasonable recognition that her odds of being sexually assaulted by some guy are higher than they are of being sexually assaulted by some gal.

I think it's entirely reasonable to say you're not comfortable with cohabiting with an unknown male and I don't consider one meet over coffee sufficient to qualify as knowing them.
posted by phearlez at 12:39 PM on April 6, 2007 [2 favorites]

Best answer: Honestly, a much better first step is discussing this with your roommate, not us. Tell her you don't feel comfortable with the proposed situation. Also, it would be helpful to read your lease; I'm pretty sure the last lease I signed had something on sub-leasing.

If that discussion doesn't go well it's time to talk to your apartment management. Tell them your roommate wants to sublease to a man you don't know and you are absolutely not comfortable with the situation and are in fact quite concerned about it. I think if you frame the issue in terms of your safety, even if that's only the subtext of the conversation, they would be hard pressed to force you to live in that situation.
posted by 6550 at 12:44 PM on April 6, 2007

i wouldnt want to live with some random person, male or female. its acceptable to ask your roomate to involve you in the selection process.

however i find the situation sexist. it seems like your problem is that this person is a guy. so many women treat every single man as if he's a rapist. its not very different than if someone said "my roomate is subletting my apartment to a colored person, do i have any recourse." its totally unfair to discriminate against someone for any arbitrary reason.

i am not chiding you for this. i think its very common behavior. i just dont think its good behavior and noone talks about it.

in any event, to answer your question, first of all, from a legal standpoint, i wonder if fair housing and equal opportunity laws apply here. second, i think it is reasonable to ask your roomate if you can be part of the selection process. if she says 'i dont have time for that/etc", then you should sublease the other room yourself until YOU find a suitable person. thats just my two cents.
posted by kneelconqueso at 12:54 PM on April 6, 2007

By all means, put your foot down on this. It doesn't seem at all appropriate for her to set this up without your input/approval/etc.. Putting myself in your shoes, I'd be going all apeshit on her right about now.
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 12:55 PM on April 6, 2007

here's what i would do, in this order:

1. check the lease to see what your rights are.

2. on your own, immediately start looking for a subleaser you'll like. (craigslist, student papers, etc)

3. confess to her that you feel strange living with a male stranger, but thank her for taking the initiative, tell her you generally trust her judgement, and meet her guy in good faith.

4. if you like him, ok.

5. more likely, if you don't like him enough to live with him, then thank your roommate for finding him, but stress that you need to live with a woman and preferably one you know.

6. in good faith, offer to make the search a joint effort or take it on entirely, allowing her veto power if the subleaser you find doesn't seem like someone she can financially trust. (remember that ultimately, the personality of your new roommate will be your problem, but the lease/rent will be hers.)

7. inform your landlord that you'll need a subleaser. tell landlord that you think the 2 of you can handle it, and have already found one potential solution: then ask about the option of the guy she found taking over her lease in a vacant apartment.

one of those should lead to a tenable solution, i think. good luck!
posted by twistofrhyme at 1:01 PM on April 6, 2007

Best answer: As far as legalities go, I know that I once read the local laws about housing discrimination (either in BC or Ontario, I forget which). There was the usual stuff - illegal to discriminate based on age, culture, sexual orientation, marital status, blah blah blah, and also gender, with one exception. In situations such as the one being discussed, where the tenants will be sharing living quarters, the renter MAY discriminate based on gender. The law explicitly recognized that not everyone is comfortable with mixed-gender housing. Local laws will vary, of course.
posted by PercussivePaul at 1:03 PM on April 6, 2007

Best answer: its not very different than if someone said "my roomate is subletting my apartment to a colored person, do i have any recourse." its totally unfair to discriminate against someone for any arbitrary reason.

Oh, stop whining. God, I can't believe some of the horseshit people are spouting here.

Dudes -- and I can tell you are dudes, probably very young ones at that -- listen to me:

Being a woman is not the same as being a man. Women have different experiences than men have. Women have different concerns about physical safety than men do. Women do not have the same upper-body strength and bulk that men have. A young woman's concern about a random, unknown male being introduced into her personal living space is not sexist. It's sane. It's rational.

Almostmanda, you don't have to lie. Just approach the management and tell them that your comfort and personal safety are not negotiable. And that the Random Dude is not living in your space.

Liberality and open-mindedness be damned. It's your house. You're paying for it. You have a right to be safe and secure in that space.
posted by jason's_planet at 1:09 PM on April 6, 2007 [8 favorites]

I was in a similar situation a few months ago, but I was the one trying to get out of a lease.

The other 2 girls were uncomfortable with me advertising for randoms, but eventually one of them found a friend they knew to take over the lease.

My advice is to try and find someone yourself, yes it might be a lot of work, but it would be better than having no say. In my case, I was allowed to sign over my part of the lease to anyone I wanted regardless of what my friends wanted-even though that would have been very inconsiderate.
posted by piper4 at 1:49 PM on April 6, 2007

DU & others - we're not here to judge almostmanda's qualms. Be helpful or be quiet.

I second cortex's suggestion. Get in touch with the subleaser ASAP and let him know he's moving into a hostile environment. If the building is really as empty as you say, he'll have plenty of other options and will choose one of those if he's smart. At that point, you will have pissed off your current roommate, but that's your choice. It will be her responsibility to pay her lease through August. Chances are she'll find another female roommate sometime before then, or perhaps she'll find another male subleaser and won't let you speak to him beforehand... it could play out a couple of ways.

You could also consider compensating her for part of the period. Sounds like she wants to be somewhere else and if you have a personal problem with an opposite-sex roommate (which many folks do not) then it's also not unreasonable for you to pay something to serve that preference.
posted by scarabic at 1:59 PM on April 6, 2007

First, meet the guy. Chances are it is just some dude who lives in the dorms taking summer classes, or someone looking for a place till his lease picks up in August. If this is a college town, you'll be completely fucking your roommate over if you reject it outright since finding someone to sublet over the summer is hard. If you have issues with the guy let her know. If she doesn't listen, talk to the property manager.
posted by Loto at 2:15 PM on April 6, 2007

Mod note: question is not AM I SEXIST. If you want to asnwer that question take it to metatalk.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 2:24 PM on April 6, 2007

If this is a college town, you'll be completely fucking your roommate over if you reject it outright since finding someone to sublet over the summer is hard.

For anyone who says you owe your roommate something, and should be bending over backwards to help her find a sublessee, they are just purely wrong.

She signed the lease for a specific term and now she wants out. When you entered into the lease you (presumably) were comfortable with her as a roommate and in turn it is HER responsibility to find a female replacement who you are also comfortable with.

This is the work that she will have to do to be allowed out of the lease before the specified expiration. Even if it hard work, if she wants out...she'd better be prepared to do it.
posted by Asherah at 2:25 PM on April 6, 2007 [1 favorite]

First, verify that the wording of the lease gives you some veto power. If it does, just tell her that you will not accept someone you are not comfortable with. If it doesn't, ask her to please respect your needs and your right to feel safe by involving you in the selection process anyway. Volunteer to work with her to screen applicants and/or ask around to see if anyone in your extended social circle needs a place to crash. Don't bust your butt, though -- it is her responsibility.

If she digs in her heels, talk to the management company and see if maybe there's another girl in the same position elsewhere in the complex and you two could move in together, leaving the two other "random guys" to one apt or the other?
posted by Alterscape at 5:19 PM on April 6, 2007

Speaking as a Random Guy, if you came to me and said "Look, I'm really sorry, but I don't feel comfortable living with a guy.", I'd want to help work something out.

You can pitch the idea in terms other than fears of physical safety, if you want to avoid offending him. (or are just sure that no matter how nice the guy is, you wouldn't want to live with him.)

The guy sure as hell isn't going to want to spend the whole summer living with somebody who is uncomfortable around him, no matter what the reason, so he'll help.
posted by Tacos Are Pretty Great at 6:40 PM on April 6, 2007

If this is a college town, you'll be completely fucking your roommate over if you reject it outright since finding someone to sublet over the summer is hard.

Not necessarily true-a great many students may be coming just for summer session or internships over the summer. They don't have dorms open for these students and they are on their own to find housing for that short 10 weeks or so. The first place the look is a student housing apt type complex and ask to sublet.

It's NOT the OP's responsibility to find someone for her roommate. The room mate has made the decision to leave early and has the option of finding an equally suitable replacement for herself OR paying out her lease. If the management of the complex has a policy of assigning same sex room mates for tenants, then changing that policy for your own convenience is wrong.
posted by hollygoheavy at 8:23 AM on April 7, 2007

Response by poster: For posterity, the apartment managers assured me that they'd put a guy subleaser in a different apartment, but warned me I may get a random female roommate if someone needs the space, which I'm OK with. He told me that they would generally ask for my approval before roommate could sublease to ANYONE, but they wouldn't put opposite sex pairs together unless both parties requested it.
posted by almostmanda at 11:20 AM on April 12, 2007