How do I break up with someone who I don't think can take care of themselves?
March 29, 2007 3:45 PM Subscribe
How do I break up with someone who I don't think can take care of themselves?
I've been with my girlfriend for just over 3 years. It was getting serious, but now I've realized that we're not cut out for each other. (I'll spare everyone the details).
So I have not broken up with her yet, and frankly I am a little scared of leaving a relationship. But I do think this is the right thing for me in the long run.
Some background...
She's an international student, living with me in my house, drives my car and has no family here. I pay pretty much all her bills, except for her tuition and books. (She had two older sisters here but they graduated and went back to their country).
To make matters worse, she is not in the healthiest of conditions (extremely underweight). She won't admit to this and is overly stubborn. She doesn't like to accept help from anyone, is very independent and I've pretty much given up on trying to help her. (bringing up the subject makes her upset). She doesn't have medical insurance and her family doesn't have the funds to support her (I have offered to pay for medical bills but she refuses). She also has had depression in the past, which she never sought professional help but stayed out of school for almost a year.
So I still love her but am not in love with her anymore, and I want her to be happy and healthy and want her to continue her dream of finishing school here in the US.
I think the best for her would be to move back to her country, and let her parents and sisters take care of her. To this day, they have not seen her since she has lost so much weight, and I fear that she will insist on staying here. In my heart I'd like her to be happy and stay here and finish, she really likes it in the US and pretty much hates her country.
So, anyone have any idea on what to do, how to handle this situation? It is seriously tearing me apart inside.
I was thinking of calling her mom and letting her know whats going on (my mom offered to also). Her mom might be able to get through to her. However I know my girlfriend would get extremely pissed off, and not sure if it's the right thing to do.
I've been with my girlfriend for just over 3 years. It was getting serious, but now I've realized that we're not cut out for each other. (I'll spare everyone the details).
So I have not broken up with her yet, and frankly I am a little scared of leaving a relationship. But I do think this is the right thing for me in the long run.
Some background...
She's an international student, living with me in my house, drives my car and has no family here. I pay pretty much all her bills, except for her tuition and books. (She had two older sisters here but they graduated and went back to their country).
To make matters worse, she is not in the healthiest of conditions (extremely underweight). She won't admit to this and is overly stubborn. She doesn't like to accept help from anyone, is very independent and I've pretty much given up on trying to help her. (bringing up the subject makes her upset). She doesn't have medical insurance and her family doesn't have the funds to support her (I have offered to pay for medical bills but she refuses). She also has had depression in the past, which she never sought professional help but stayed out of school for almost a year.
So I still love her but am not in love with her anymore, and I want her to be happy and healthy and want her to continue her dream of finishing school here in the US.
I think the best for her would be to move back to her country, and let her parents and sisters take care of her. To this day, they have not seen her since she has lost so much weight, and I fear that she will insist on staying here. In my heart I'd like her to be happy and stay here and finish, she really likes it in the US and pretty much hates her country.
So, anyone have any idea on what to do, how to handle this situation? It is seriously tearing me apart inside.
I was thinking of calling her mom and letting her know whats going on (my mom offered to also). Her mom might be able to get through to her. However I know my girlfriend would get extremely pissed off, and not sure if it's the right thing to do.
When will she be finishing school? Will her health hold out until then, do you think?
posted by amtho at 4:11 PM on March 29, 2007
posted by amtho at 4:11 PM on March 29, 2007
I have a best friend who sounds a lot like your girlfriend, except that she's lived here all her life. I think the best thing to do is encourage her to the therapist at her school. That way she will have someone to talk to that she won't be as weary of, and who can really help. Plus, its free.
Also, you need to break up with her if you two are not right for each other. She will be upset for a while, and so will you, but in the long run its the right thing to do. Becoming independent will force her to deal with her problems and not share them with other people. I've seen it in the past with my friend.
I don't know if this is relevant or not, but my friend who was anorexic found out that she had an anxiety disorder. When she started taking meds for it, she was much more willing to eat. Perhaps you could bring this up with your girlfriend? Ask her if she feels like she has anxiety problems?
posted by thebrokenmuse at 4:27 PM on March 29, 2007
Also, you need to break up with her if you two are not right for each other. She will be upset for a while, and so will you, but in the long run its the right thing to do. Becoming independent will force her to deal with her problems and not share them with other people. I've seen it in the past with my friend.
I don't know if this is relevant or not, but my friend who was anorexic found out that she had an anxiety disorder. When she started taking meds for it, she was much more willing to eat. Perhaps you could bring this up with your girlfriend? Ask her if she feels like she has anxiety problems?
posted by thebrokenmuse at 4:27 PM on March 29, 2007
Response by poster: Thanks, I think I'm just going to fly her mom and sister out. I think she is past the point where she'll trust me giving her any suggestions or even talk with me about this issue without getting angry and/or defensive.
amtho: She's 22 and probably with finish within a few years.
Frankly I'm not sure about her health as she is extremely frugal and afraid her eating habits will get even worse. At this point I pretty much have to give her cash and keep telling her she has free reign on the supermarket to get her to buy nutritional items and eat more.
posted by mphuie at 4:48 PM on March 29, 2007
amtho: She's 22 and probably with finish within a few years.
Frankly I'm not sure about her health as she is extremely frugal and afraid her eating habits will get even worse. At this point I pretty much have to give her cash and keep telling her she has free reign on the supermarket to get her to buy nutritional items and eat more.
posted by mphuie at 4:48 PM on March 29, 2007
Ditto for "call her parents," ditto for "get her a therapist."
In addition: Talk to a residential advisor (despite the fact that she doesn't live on campus, they can nonetheless marshall resources you may not be able to), her faculty advisor (if she has one) or another professional on campus who can help her make the connection with a therapist and get other help (financial, health-related, etc.). Once on-campus professionals know about what's going on, they pretty much have a contractual obligation to help her.
It might seem paternalistic of you to take these steps—and she'll probably be very angry with you in the short-term. But because you can't continue to be with her and take care of her, even though you still care about her, you need to effect a transition of caretakers.
I went through a breakup like this not long ago, and that's the course of action I took. I think it's the only responsible way of dealing with a situation like that.
posted by limeonaire at 4:48 PM on March 29, 2007
In addition: Talk to a residential advisor (despite the fact that she doesn't live on campus, they can nonetheless marshall resources you may not be able to), her faculty advisor (if she has one) or another professional on campus who can help her make the connection with a therapist and get other help (financial, health-related, etc.). Once on-campus professionals know about what's going on, they pretty much have a contractual obligation to help her.
It might seem paternalistic of you to take these steps—and she'll probably be very angry with you in the short-term. But because you can't continue to be with her and take care of her, even though you still care about her, you need to effect a transition of caretakers.
I went through a breakup like this not long ago, and that's the course of action I took. I think it's the only responsible way of dealing with a situation like that.
posted by limeonaire at 4:48 PM on March 29, 2007
Can you give us more info on the breakup? Specifically, I'm wondering if it is going to be a complete shock to her or if she should see it coming. Have you said the dread words, "we need to talk"? Have you told her what you need but are not getting from the relationship? If you think there's any chance that things could be worked out I'd try to express to her what you need. If you absolutely know for sure that it ain't gonna happen, then hand off the caretaking to someone else and get out of there as fast as you can.
posted by selfmedicating at 5:07 PM on March 29, 2007
posted by selfmedicating at 5:07 PM on March 29, 2007
Whatever you decide, get it over with quickly and expect that she won't want anything to do with you for a while (no matter how well-intentioned you may be). Dragging things out just makes it worse, and people need time to recover and recenter themselves after a breakup.
posted by chrisamiller at 5:30 PM on March 29, 2007
posted by chrisamiller at 5:30 PM on March 29, 2007
She doesn't like to accept help from anyone, is very independent and I've pretty much given up on trying to help her.
Wait, you're paying her bills, letting you drive her car, etc. -- so you're giving her TONS of help. It's just not EMOTIONAL help.
If she's really that independent, give her fair warning, and be considerate about helping her rearrange her life -- I suspect she'll deal with it better than you think she will. Breakups are always a bit messy, of course, but be honest, be straightforward, and don't expect her to disappear the next day.
posted by davejay at 5:51 PM on March 29, 2007
Wait, you're paying her bills, letting you drive her car, etc. -- so you're giving her TONS of help. It's just not EMOTIONAL help.
If she's really that independent, give her fair warning, and be considerate about helping her rearrange her life -- I suspect she'll deal with it better than you think she will. Breakups are always a bit messy, of course, but be honest, be straightforward, and don't expect her to disappear the next day.
posted by davejay at 5:51 PM on March 29, 2007
letting HER drive YOUR car -- honestly, someone needs to revoke my submitting license today. I'm stopping now.
posted by davejay at 5:51 PM on March 29, 2007
posted by davejay at 5:51 PM on March 29, 2007
I'd try this:
You know, this relationship isn't right for me and I'm ending it. However, I realise you will need to make other arrangements for accommodation etc. Please feel free to ring your mother etc from here, or anyone else you think might be helpful. I know it will take time for you to change, but I'd like you to consider moving out in the next 4-6 weeks. Maybe you check with your school to see if they have cheap student accomodation.
Except, like pad it a bit, and encourage her to contact the people you think might help her. She's a grown up (isn't she?) and capable of deciding for herself who gets involved in her life. I personally would have rather been homeless than had my mother involved.
posted by b33j at 6:25 PM on March 29, 2007
You know, this relationship isn't right for me and I'm ending it. However, I realise you will need to make other arrangements for accommodation etc. Please feel free to ring your mother etc from here, or anyone else you think might be helpful. I know it will take time for you to change, but I'd like you to consider moving out in the next 4-6 weeks. Maybe you check with your school to see if they have cheap student accomodation.
Except, like pad it a bit, and encourage her to contact the people you think might help her. She's a grown up (isn't she?) and capable of deciding for herself who gets involved in her life. I personally would have rather been homeless than had my mother involved.
posted by b33j at 6:25 PM on March 29, 2007
It seems like you should keep on financially supporting her for a while after the breakup if her parents can't help. That seems fair (and kind) enough.
posted by footnote at 7:34 PM on March 29, 2007
posted by footnote at 7:34 PM on March 29, 2007
The university may also have emergency funds and counselors available for international students -- see if there's an international student center and ask if there's any way they can help her with some practical things (eg finding another place).
posted by LobsterMitten at 7:38 PM on March 29, 2007
posted by LobsterMitten at 7:38 PM on March 29, 2007
seems like she's had you hook, line and sinker with worry while she's so thin. even though she's had your money and amenities,she's still not eating and you're still taking care of her?
she's either very manipulative or very unwell psychologically. either way, i'm with b33j.
good luck, getting out it's not going to be easy. but don't let that stop you extricating yourself..
posted by taff at 9:38 PM on March 29, 2007
she's either very manipulative or very unwell psychologically. either way, i'm with b33j.
good luck, getting out it's not going to be easy. but don't let that stop you extricating yourself..
posted by taff at 9:38 PM on March 29, 2007
Set a limit to what you are willing to do for her before you break up.
posted by Ironmouth at 10:00 PM on March 29, 2007
posted by Ironmouth at 10:00 PM on March 29, 2007
She found you to look after her. She will find someone else to do the same.
posted by zadcat at 10:23 PM on March 29, 2007
posted by zadcat at 10:23 PM on March 29, 2007
I think you should talk to an expert about this before you do it. I'm not sure who that would be, but you can probably start with a psychologist.
posted by callmejay at 10:17 AM on March 30, 2007
posted by callmejay at 10:17 AM on March 30, 2007
(I mean you singular, not the two of you. You don't have to tell her you're going.)
posted by callmejay at 10:17 AM on March 30, 2007
posted by callmejay at 10:17 AM on March 30, 2007
...someone who I don't think can take care of themselves...
+
She doesn't like to accept help from anyone, is very independent...
=
heh.
I've pretty much given up on trying to help her...
+
..living with me in my house, drives my car and has no family here. I pay pretty much all her bills...
=
hee hee.
I'll spare everyone the details...
=
ha!
Seriously, she's a parasite, and you're enabling her. If you dump her, she'll find someone else she "won't accept help from". She'll be ok.
posted by tjvis at 11:29 AM on March 30, 2007 [2 favorites]
+
She doesn't like to accept help from anyone, is very independent...
=
heh.
I've pretty much given up on trying to help her...
+
..living with me in my house, drives my car and has no family here. I pay pretty much all her bills...
=
hee hee.
I'll spare everyone the details...
=
ha!
Seriously, she's a parasite, and you're enabling her. If you dump her, she'll find someone else she "won't accept help from". She'll be ok.
posted by tjvis at 11:29 AM on March 30, 2007 [2 favorites]
Talk with her parents, but also get in touch with mutual friends. Having a large support network at the ready in case things get too crazy will make a huge difference.
posted by doctorcurly at 1:31 PM on March 30, 2007
posted by doctorcurly at 1:31 PM on March 30, 2007
Heh. Yeah, from the sounds of it, she can just find someone else to sponge off of. It's not your problem.
Just dump her already!
posted by drstein at 1:41 PM on April 2, 2007
Just dump her already!
posted by drstein at 1:41 PM on April 2, 2007
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by zia at 3:51 PM on March 29, 2007 [2 favorites]