Please help me learn how to identify an emotionally/mentally abusive relationship. I am not sure if myne has always been one, or is slowly turning into one, or is not one.
posted by amacph10 to Human Relations (137 answers total) 13 users marked this as a favorite
Hello everyone. I wrote a question about my relationship a week ago, here is another one if you don’t mind reading…
My first post addressed the fact that my SO of 2 years is:
-10 years older then me
-in chronic pain due to breaking his back, and has been off work for 6 years, just getting back into it.
-We have lived together for almost our whole relationship.
-23 years old
-In my 2nd relationship ever.
-Breaching our trust in the relationship, have admitted to him that I’ve looked through his phone (only to find evidence of him talking to his ex gf) and have been talking to a guy I have developed feelings for (but only as friends, and have made that clear to him.)
My first post was asking if I am being taken advantage of in the relationship…
This one is asking about advice for emotional/mental/verbal abuse in general.
I have started to see my own therapist, and she is the one who first pointed it out.
What are the signs that you are in a mentally/emotionally/verbally abusive relationship?
Are these types of relationships worth working on, or should you cut your losses and get out before it’s too late? If anyone has any past experience stories they would like to share I would love to read them.
Signs from my relationship that may be abusive:
When we argue (every week or so) and my opinion on anything is different then his, he:
-calls me a b*tch, a cow, a miserable person, a princess (in a snaky way,) immature, etc.
-tells me to shut the f*ck up, f*ck off, f*ck you, etc.
Sometimes he blames his language on “that’s the way my parents are,” but I don’t see that as an excuse.
-Recently I had come home from work and cleaned the house before his family was coming to visit. He was walking in and out of the house with his dirty shoes on and I asked him if he could take them off politely. His response was rolling his eyes at me and saying “Would you shut up already?”
I am not sure if they heard, but they were in the kitchen beside him
-Earlier this month, we were walking downtown with friends and he kept spitting on the sidewalk. He was doing it every few seconds and I was telling him to stop, that it was embarrassing. His response (in front of our friends) was “Will you shut the f*ck up!”
Besides the verbal abuse, he may be controlling…
-He makes me feel that I can’t go out with my friends. In the last 3 months I have been to the bar twice for a friend’s birthday (He doesn’t want to go out.) I also try to do dinner with my girlfriends about once a week.
Whether I am out drinking, or out for dinner, he throws it in my face when we argue about money, quality time (usually it is me asking for quality time together without his friends,) so now I feel like no matter what I do, it will be used against me in the future.
-He knew I was experiencing doubts about our relationship, so he broke up with me for 2 days. I had started to pack up my things and even took the day off work because I was so upset, and when he got home he told me wasn’t serious and was just doing this to get through to me, to show me that unless I stop being a “b*tch” I am going to have to leave. Of course, that made me second guess myself and stay.
I know this sounds really bad, but I keep thinking that (as he points out) I will never find better, yes he has a few flaws (talking down to me, etc.) but he IS working on them and he is in it for the long run. He wants to marry me and he says we have our whole lives to work on this, and that he will be there forever for me.
Even though he is 32, I feel like he missed a big part of his life (25-32) while he spent it in bed rest due to his back, or just waiting to be able to get back on track. Maybe he does not have the maturity of a 32 year old and if I give him time, things will get better.
I am not sure what the other signs of abuse in relationships are. He has never hit me, he has punched a few holes in the wall throughout the 2 years, and thrown a drink on the wall, but that was a long time ago.
We argue about once a week, we used to argue more but I tend to watch what I say around him, just to avoid an argument. When we are not arguing things seem good. We usually watch TV after work, cook dinner, or his friends come over and hang out. He says he loves me multiple times a day, and kisses me in the morning and before bed, he takes care of me in other ways. He even bought me a new car for Christmas. He says he loves me but doesn’t know how to “express” his love.
To his credit: He says “words are just words” and he tells me I am too sensitive and need to toughen up. He has cut it down incredibly. He is way better then he used to be, and when he does talk down to me he now catches himself and spends the rest of the night apologizing profusely. But he has only been apologizing since I pointed out that I (now) understand that is verbal abuse and it needs to stop, before that he had no problem with it. I always wonder if it could be that all his previous relationships were with a girl who talked that way right back to him, but I am not like that.
Anyways, thank you for reading. I really appreciate it. Sorry to post again so soon… I am just really trying to figure my relationship out before it’s too late, and the last post with everyone’s opinions was so helpful.