the other man in her life is dead : forgive her or break-up ?
December 24, 2006 3:36 AM Subscribe
Here is a tough one : the girlfriend has been seeing two men simultaneously. Me and another one. Now the other man she's been seeing is dead. Should I drop her or should I forgive her ?
It makes me feel like a character in Six feet under. The accidental death of someone I never met has had an unexpected effect on my relationship. My girlfriend started seeing us more or less simultaneously a few weeks ago. She found things I could not give to her in the other relationship and vice versa. The other guy knew about me, I knew about him only as "a friend". Turns out he was "more than a friend".
Coming back from the burial she found the guts to finally tell me the truth and bingo ! a billion little things suddenly make sense (maybe I've been a little bit in denial).
Here's my dilemma : throw her away from my life (as would be expected) or taking into account the fact that she told me the truth and give her another chance.
I feel connected to her in a variety of small things. Once all these things are added they may provide the ground for a relationship that we've built and we could continue to build but this time much stronger. We share a common long-term goal, similar background in many ways etc.
Final thing to add to the equation : she will spend 5 days between christmas and new year's eve in some kind of self-help psychological retreat, doing something that borderlines on the therapeutic (I've been there before her, I strongly advised her to do it). I know for a fact that the person she will be at the end of that retreat will be a different and more balanced person.
Throw her away from my life and find the next soulmate ? Be the forgiving generous soul that I want to be ?
Any help or bits of wisdom will be hugely appreciated since I'm lost in my own feelings here.
Thanks in advance and merry christmas !
It makes me feel like a character in Six feet under. The accidental death of someone I never met has had an unexpected effect on my relationship. My girlfriend started seeing us more or less simultaneously a few weeks ago. She found things I could not give to her in the other relationship and vice versa. The other guy knew about me, I knew about him only as "a friend". Turns out he was "more than a friend".
Coming back from the burial she found the guts to finally tell me the truth and bingo ! a billion little things suddenly make sense (maybe I've been a little bit in denial).
Here's my dilemma : throw her away from my life (as would be expected) or taking into account the fact that she told me the truth and give her another chance.
I feel connected to her in a variety of small things. Once all these things are added they may provide the ground for a relationship that we've built and we could continue to build but this time much stronger. We share a common long-term goal, similar background in many ways etc.
Final thing to add to the equation : she will spend 5 days between christmas and new year's eve in some kind of self-help psychological retreat, doing something that borderlines on the therapeutic (I've been there before her, I strongly advised her to do it). I know for a fact that the person she will be at the end of that retreat will be a different and more balanced person.
Throw her away from my life and find the next soulmate ? Be the forgiving generous soul that I want to be ?
Any help or bits of wisdom will be hugely appreciated since I'm lost in my own feelings here.
Thanks in advance and merry christmas !
Sounds like you already know you want to keep her around - you don't really give any reasons not to except that it "would be expected", which is not a good reason on it's own. You say you want to be "the forgiving generous soul" and I don't see anything wrong with that. What you need to think about is whether the issues that led her to see this other man (that she found things that your relationship wasn't providing her with) can be easily resolved. Will this retreat be enough?
My instinct is to say don't discard her from your life just yet - if nothing else, it sounds like you care about her, and she will be quite upset by the death. Regardless of whether you decide to continue your relationship with her (assuming this is what she wants) I think she would appreciate your support.
posted by Persimmon at 3:49 AM on December 24, 2006
My instinct is to say don't discard her from your life just yet - if nothing else, it sounds like you care about her, and she will be quite upset by the death. Regardless of whether you decide to continue your relationship with her (assuming this is what she wants) I think she would appreciate your support.
posted by Persimmon at 3:49 AM on December 24, 2006
Response by poster: yes - she told me about theother guy after he died. The relationship is about two months old and both relationships started roughly at the same time.
posted by Baud at 3:55 AM on December 24, 2006
posted by Baud at 3:55 AM on December 24, 2006
'I know for a fact that the person she will be at the end of that retreat will be a different and more balanced person.'
Respectfully, no you don't. No one can predict psychological transformation with that much certainty. She may come to some realisations, or she may not. You can't fast-track the grief process, nor the acquisition of self-awareness. Hopefully she will learn something from the retreat - but you can't bank on that and it's not helpful to expect it.
'Coming back from the burial she found the guts to finally tell me the truth...'
Yes, but she also cheated on you for two months, lying all the while. Does she deserve your compassion and forgiveness? Sure. Is it wise to be in a relationship with her at this time? Probably not. You can be a forgiving and generous soul without yoking your fortunes to someone who clearly needs some time and space to get her head together.
posted by RokkitNite at 4:22 AM on December 24, 2006 [1 favorite]
Respectfully, no you don't. No one can predict psychological transformation with that much certainty. She may come to some realisations, or she may not. You can't fast-track the grief process, nor the acquisition of self-awareness. Hopefully she will learn something from the retreat - but you can't bank on that and it's not helpful to expect it.
'Coming back from the burial she found the guts to finally tell me the truth...'
Yes, but she also cheated on you for two months, lying all the while. Does she deserve your compassion and forgiveness? Sure. Is it wise to be in a relationship with her at this time? Probably not. You can be a forgiving and generous soul without yoking your fortunes to someone who clearly needs some time and space to get her head together.
posted by RokkitNite at 4:22 AM on December 24, 2006 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: I've been to the same retreat doing the same program so I know it has some effects on everybody. I can't know exactly what effects there will be that is for sure
posted by Baud at 4:36 AM on December 24, 2006
posted by Baud at 4:36 AM on December 24, 2006
A couple of observations. In my experience relationships are generally in a "trying out" period for the first 3 months. If you still can stand each other after 3 months the relationship becomes "serious". Although this is variable, I think it's hard to get to know somebody very well in 2 months, as is your case. My guess is that you are enamored of the idea of the relationship more than the person, because obviously you really don't know what's going on in her mind (she was with someone else the entire time she was with you!)
As far as being "soul mates", I suppose people have different ideas about what that means, but I think that most people would imagine their soul mate would be satisifed with them and not need to be with various people at the same time.
Perhaps you should be supportive to her while she get over her loss, but then move on.
posted by sic at 4:37 AM on December 24, 2006 [1 favorite]
As far as being "soul mates", I suppose people have different ideas about what that means, but I think that most people would imagine their soul mate would be satisifed with them and not need to be with various people at the same time.
Perhaps you should be supportive to her while she get over her loss, but then move on.
posted by sic at 4:37 AM on December 24, 2006 [1 favorite]
I am not the least bit convinced that monogamy is the only "working" model out there, seeing that it doesn't seem to be working all that well, at least in the US.
I say that as qualification for the following:
This is not an auspcicious beginning. Immediate serious dishonesty? Drama at a 9 level on a 1..10 scale?
Get ready for decades of grief, baud. I'm with sic, be a kind man and offer some support for the loss of her 'friend', but run, run like the wind and soon.
posted by FauxScot at 4:49 AM on December 24, 2006
I say that as qualification for the following:
This is not an auspcicious beginning. Immediate serious dishonesty? Drama at a 9 level on a 1..10 scale?
Get ready for decades of grief, baud. I'm with sic, be a kind man and offer some support for the loss of her 'friend', but run, run like the wind and soon.
posted by FauxScot at 4:49 AM on December 24, 2006
At the risk of sounding callous -- dump her.
1. She LIED to you about the other mans status [more than a friend as opposed to a friend]
2. She only told you because he died. I.e. I gather it's more to do with her feelings of guilt or feeling the need for support as opposed to wanting to do right by you.
I think these two actions say a LOT about her character. Would she have accepted the same? The answer you get will tell you a lot.
Also, if she was "getting things from the other relationship she couldn't get with ours" -- she still isn't.
posted by gadha at 4:51 AM on December 24, 2006
1. She LIED to you about the other mans status [more than a friend as opposed to a friend]
2. She only told you because he died. I.e. I gather it's more to do with her feelings of guilt or feeling the need for support as opposed to wanting to do right by you.
I think these two actions say a LOT about her character. Would she have accepted the same? The answer you get will tell you a lot.
Also, if she was "getting things from the other relationship she couldn't get with ours" -- she still isn't.
posted by gadha at 4:51 AM on December 24, 2006
I agree with gadha - if she had to turn to someone else to get "things" from the relationship that she couldn't get with you (and in the beginning phase of a relationship where usually, everyone's on an endorphin cocktail and high on life), even if you're the "forgiving soul [you] want to be" SHE is never going to be happy, no matter what she may say to the contrary.
She's grieving, but yours is not the support she needs. Do yourselves a favor and end it now before you have more cause to regret the relationship in the future.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 5:02 AM on December 24, 2006
She's grieving, but yours is not the support she needs. Do yourselves a favor and end it now before you have more cause to regret the relationship in the future.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 5:02 AM on December 24, 2006
Yeah, another vote for the 'support her grief, dump her and move on'.
posted by slimepuppy at 5:03 AM on December 24, 2006
posted by slimepuppy at 5:03 AM on December 24, 2006
seconding gadha (on the fundamental values she isn't exhibiting) and sic and FauxScot (on having some class about it).
posted by nj_subgenius at 5:09 AM on December 24, 2006
posted by nj_subgenius at 5:09 AM on December 24, 2006
Yeah, get away from her man.
posted by JamesMessick at 5:09 AM on December 24, 2006
posted by JamesMessick at 5:09 AM on December 24, 2006
Why is she going to the retreat? Is it to deal with the fact that she cheated on you, or to deal with his death? Also, are you prepared to deal with helping her grieve over another guy? Also, consider how long it would have gone on if he hadn't died?
If you really want to be forgiving, tell her you'll give her another chance in two months. Let her get her head together and process her grief. But I think it's pretty understandable if you want to just walk away.
posted by christinetheslp at 5:58 AM on December 24, 2006
If you really want to be forgiving, tell her you'll give her another chance in two months. Let her get her head together and process her grief. But I think it's pretty understandable if you want to just walk away.
posted by christinetheslp at 5:58 AM on December 24, 2006
Was the relationship exclusive? That is, did she tell you that you were the only one she was seeing? I can't tell if seeing other people at this point in your relationship was okay.
posted by sexymofo at 6:07 AM on December 24, 2006 [1 favorite]
posted by sexymofo at 6:07 AM on December 24, 2006 [1 favorite]
You admitted that she found things in the other guy that she couldn't find in you. Whats to prevent her from looking for those things again after her grieving is over?
Another support the grief, but move on.
posted by Atreides at 6:11 AM on December 24, 2006
Another support the grief, but move on.
posted by Atreides at 6:11 AM on December 24, 2006
She found things I could not give to her in the other relationship and vice versa.
Either you've suddenly developed those "things" that she found so attractive in her Late beau, in which case I say go for it, or you haven't, in which case I say you're setting yourself up for the exact same thing to happen again.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 6:25 AM on December 24, 2006
Either you've suddenly developed those "things" that she found so attractive in her Late beau, in which case I say go for it, or you haven't, in which case I say you're setting yourself up for the exact same thing to happen again.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 6:25 AM on December 24, 2006
You're clear, right, that she was not only not exclusive with you (fair enough inn the early going, or for anyone who prefers a less monogamous lifestyle) but that she lied to you for two straight months about who she was having sex with?
I'd bury her with the other guy, personally. Metaphorically speaking, of course.
posted by spitbull at 6:35 AM on December 24, 2006
I'd bury her with the other guy, personally. Metaphorically speaking, of course.
posted by spitbull at 6:35 AM on December 24, 2006
It depends on what sort of a relationship you both want, if you've talked about open relationships, etc. You sound like you were looking for a soulmate. She may have just been looking for a good time.
Is this one of her first relationships, or has she had a lot? Has she done anything like this before? What's to stop her looking for someone to fill her needs like this guy was? Was it just that she didn't know you well enough?
If you both have similar aims for the relationship and you've comfortable with her answers, you don't need to break up. But then there's the trust issue. Statistically, most relationships don't last, but as they say, it's better to have love and lost.
PS: Sounds like a good time for a STD test too.
posted by theducks at 6:37 AM on December 24, 2006
Is this one of her first relationships, or has she had a lot? Has she done anything like this before? What's to stop her looking for someone to fill her needs like this guy was? Was it just that she didn't know you well enough?
If you both have similar aims for the relationship and you've comfortable with her answers, you don't need to break up. But then there's the trust issue. Statistically, most relationships don't last, but as they say, it's better to have love and lost.
PS: Sounds like a good time for a STD test too.
posted by theducks at 6:37 AM on December 24, 2006
You'd been dating her for 2 months. Did you ever specify that this was an exclusive relationship? Did she ever say it was an exclusive relationship?
Honestly, unless you had made some distinct promises to each other of exclusivity, I would cut her some slack here.
posted by tastybrains at 6:51 AM on December 24, 2006
Honestly, unless you had made some distinct promises to each other of exclusivity, I would cut her some slack here.
posted by tastybrains at 6:51 AM on December 24, 2006
She looked to another person for things she couldn't find in you. Regardless of what you want to happen, that's not going to change. Break up now, or be dumped or cheated on later, but your relationship is fundamentally flawed.
posted by MsMolly at 7:12 AM on December 24, 2006
posted by MsMolly at 7:12 AM on December 24, 2006
You call it "some kind of self-help psychological retreat," but you've been on it yourself. So what is it? Are you in AA together, or what? And did she promise not to see other guys, and if so, at what point did she make that promise? And why did you say in the original question that she's only been seeing each of you for a few weeks, and then later say a few months?
posted by bingo at 7:18 AM on December 24, 2006
posted by bingo at 7:18 AM on December 24, 2006
"throw her away from my life"
"keep her around"
"dump her"
"dump the bitch"
Someone this woman was close to has died. Where is the compassion in these comments? It's one thing to acknowledge the hurt. It's quite another to fling the vitriol around.
Baud, you had only been seeing her for a few months. What were your expectations in this relationship? You might be hurt by her revelations but deciding to "throw her away" at a very vulnerable point in her life does not bode well for any future connection with her (whether she was right or wrong to not tell you the nature of her relationship with this other guy).
Before deciding whether to continue a relationship with her it might be good to focus on your feelings of betrayal and anger. Bringing them into any possible future with this woman will not do either of you any good.
posted by Taken Outtacontext at 7:27 AM on December 24, 2006
"keep her around"
"dump her"
"dump the bitch"
Someone this woman was close to has died. Where is the compassion in these comments? It's one thing to acknowledge the hurt. It's quite another to fling the vitriol around.
Baud, you had only been seeing her for a few months. What were your expectations in this relationship? You might be hurt by her revelations but deciding to "throw her away" at a very vulnerable point in her life does not bode well for any future connection with her (whether she was right or wrong to not tell you the nature of her relationship with this other guy).
Before deciding whether to continue a relationship with her it might be good to focus on your feelings of betrayal and anger. Bringing them into any possible future with this woman will not do either of you any good.
posted by Taken Outtacontext at 7:27 AM on December 24, 2006
Talking about "cheating" seems over the top in a two-month relationship, unless you had an explicitly exclusive agreement from word go. Or was she supposed to forsake all others from the moment she met you?
Not being honest -- well. Did she lie when asked, or did she just not disclose fully the nature of her relationship with the guy? Because I can totally see keeping the details about other liaisons to myself during the early stages of a relationship.
You might want to check yourself for self-righteousness and unspoken expectations. You might also want to try seeing it from her perspective.
I wonder whether someone who is as judgmental and self-centered as you sound is a good partner for someone who is grieving a loss.
posted by ottereroticist at 7:47 AM on December 24, 2006
Not being honest -- well. Did she lie when asked, or did she just not disclose fully the nature of her relationship with the guy? Because I can totally see keeping the details about other liaisons to myself during the early stages of a relationship.
You might want to check yourself for self-righteousness and unspoken expectations. You might also want to try seeing it from her perspective.
I wonder whether someone who is as judgmental and self-centered as you sound is a good partner for someone who is grieving a loss.
posted by ottereroticist at 7:47 AM on December 24, 2006
She found things I could not give to her in the other relationship and vice versa.
This is the only pertinent thing in your entire post.
You obviously aren't "the one" for her, you can't be, and if you EXPECT to be, then time to move on. That's not a judgement on her, she may be a swell person, whatever, irrelevant to the point.
Now, if you have no qualms about being one of several of her lovers, then hey, knock yourself out. I think polyamory is cool as long as everyone is on the same page.
But, she wasn't honest before, and there's no reason to believe she would have ever been honest barring this guy's sudden departure. The only reason she's honest now is because she's emotionally devastated and needs support, and, well, you're the one who's still living.
If you are expecting a monogamous honest relationship with this woman, then you have already failed, and it is already over.
Live, learn, love again.
posted by Ynoxas at 7:59 AM on December 24, 2006
This is the only pertinent thing in your entire post.
You obviously aren't "the one" for her, you can't be, and if you EXPECT to be, then time to move on. That's not a judgement on her, she may be a swell person, whatever, irrelevant to the point.
Now, if you have no qualms about being one of several of her lovers, then hey, knock yourself out. I think polyamory is cool as long as everyone is on the same page.
But, she wasn't honest before, and there's no reason to believe she would have ever been honest barring this guy's sudden departure. The only reason she's honest now is because she's emotionally devastated and needs support, and, well, you're the one who's still living.
If you are expecting a monogamous honest relationship with this woman, then you have already failed, and it is already over.
Live, learn, love again.
posted by Ynoxas at 7:59 AM on December 24, 2006
Her coming out after the death of the other guy can be, in my humble opinion, a cry for help. What you decide to do about that is up to you.
One thing shouldn't be forgot : that she didn't have clear ideas about how she felt about you and that happened before the guy death, so she had some time to make up her mind and reason, without the sudden emotions caused by a loss.
Now the death of the guy is an indipendent event, it is very hard to know if she already decided that she favoured you before the death of the guy, but now it is a little too late to determine and utterly irrelevant anyway.
In my humble opinion, she should investigate her reasons for not being able to make up her mind , expecially if the double relationship went on for a rather long time.If I were you (but I am not, so consider very well what you are going to do) I may even consider give her some time, talk with her and see what her problems are, and maybe eventually see if the two of you can have a relationship.
Yet one thing should remain crystal clear : no second relationships on side, no seconds guessing, no more, ever : the retaliation would be immediate dumping, no appeals. (That assuming you know you CAN and WILL do that, without a shadow of a doubt)
It wouldn't be a revenge, just the realization of the obvious: that nothing has changed, that she isn't able to make up her mind and that she certainly needs some one else, or some better counseling .The same obviously would apply to you.
posted by elpapacito at 8:11 AM on December 24, 2006
One thing shouldn't be forgot : that she didn't have clear ideas about how she felt about you and that happened before the guy death, so she had some time to make up her mind and reason, without the sudden emotions caused by a loss.
Now the death of the guy is an indipendent event, it is very hard to know if she already decided that she favoured you before the death of the guy, but now it is a little too late to determine and utterly irrelevant anyway.
In my humble opinion, she should investigate her reasons for not being able to make up her mind , expecially if the double relationship went on for a rather long time.If I were you (but I am not, so consider very well what you are going to do) I may even consider give her some time, talk with her and see what her problems are, and maybe eventually see if the two of you can have a relationship.
Yet one thing should remain crystal clear : no second relationships on side, no seconds guessing, no more, ever : the retaliation would be immediate dumping, no appeals. (That assuming you know you CAN and WILL do that, without a shadow of a doubt)
It wouldn't be a revenge, just the realization of the obvious: that nothing has changed, that she isn't able to make up her mind and that she certainly needs some one else, or some better counseling .The same obviously would apply to you.
posted by elpapacito at 8:11 AM on December 24, 2006
You Americans are so complicated, what with your seeing other people and soul-mates and lack of exclusivity expectations and psychological retreats...
Baud, are you in love with this woman? If the answer is yes, well then you know what to do. Love is the most precious and most important thing in the world.
posted by Meatbomb at 8:18 AM on December 24, 2006
Baud, are you in love with this woman? If the answer is yes, well then you know what to do. Love is the most precious and most important thing in the world.
posted by Meatbomb at 8:18 AM on December 24, 2006
There are a lot of danger signs on this, as others have pointed out, so let's sum them up. 1) Not getting something from you that she went and sought elsewhere, 2) Lying and cheating, 3) Confession prompted only by 4) major drama.
Not only do I suggest dumping, I'm going to go ahead and call myself callous - dump her with extreme prejudice. It'll be good for your soul, and it's clearly the kind of drama that she absolutely needs to have in her life. For all you know, that might have been the point of her confession, to provoke you into even more Big Time Drama.
The great thing about dumping a drama queen is that you can do it displaying as much anger as you actually have. After all, that big confrontational moment makes for a great incident in the ongoing story of their lives. You haven't acknowledged your anger at all, and being Mr. Supportive Doormat isn't a great precedent in a relationship.
posted by adipocere at 8:30 AM on December 24, 2006 [1 favorite]
Not only do I suggest dumping, I'm going to go ahead and call myself callous - dump her with extreme prejudice. It'll be good for your soul, and it's clearly the kind of drama that she absolutely needs to have in her life. For all you know, that might have been the point of her confession, to provoke you into even more Big Time Drama.
The great thing about dumping a drama queen is that you can do it displaying as much anger as you actually have. After all, that big confrontational moment makes for a great incident in the ongoing story of their lives. You haven't acknowledged your anger at all, and being Mr. Supportive Doormat isn't a great precedent in a relationship.
posted by adipocere at 8:30 AM on December 24, 2006 [1 favorite]
I know for a fact that the person she will be at the end of that retreat will be a different and more balanced person.
That is magical thinking. She may have the groundwork for real change, but no one is going to hand-deliver a lasting epiphany at a five day retreat. I have no idea what you ought to do, but thinking rationally about where you want your life to be in the next five to ten years would be a good start. Tethering your happiness to the possibility that a dishonest person who already finds you wanting will change seems like a masochistic gamble.
posted by docpops at 8:35 AM on December 24, 2006
That is magical thinking. She may have the groundwork for real change, but no one is going to hand-deliver a lasting epiphany at a five day retreat. I have no idea what you ought to do, but thinking rationally about where you want your life to be in the next five to ten years would be a good start. Tethering your happiness to the possibility that a dishonest person who already finds you wanting will change seems like a masochistic gamble.
posted by docpops at 8:35 AM on December 24, 2006
I agree with ottereroticist - I think all the "OMG she was seeing someone else so dump her ass" comments are a bit over the top considering the relationship is so young: you were only dating for a few months, it's not like you guys are married.
She found things I could not give to her in the other relationship and vice versa.
This is the only pertinent thing in your entire post.
Oh, come on - who couldn't find things in one partner that you couldn't in another? She does need to tone down the idealism a bit, but considering someone close to her has just died, that should shatter some sparkly dreams.
posted by forallmankind at 8:40 AM on December 24, 2006
She found things I could not give to her in the other relationship and vice versa.
This is the only pertinent thing in your entire post.
Oh, come on - who couldn't find things in one partner that you couldn't in another? She does need to tone down the idealism a bit, but considering someone close to her has just died, that should shatter some sparkly dreams.
posted by forallmankind at 8:40 AM on December 24, 2006
In retrospect: this whole situation should be impacting your idealism too, no?
posted by forallmankind at 9:06 AM on December 24, 2006
posted by forallmankind at 9:06 AM on December 24, 2006
A lot depends on how old Baud is, how old she is, how old the other guy was, on how experienced in life and "romance" each of them is, and on things like whether Baud has a good job and whether he rents or mortgages (assuming he's not still in high school living with "the 'rents"). That there are so many variables that could influence the outcome help to explain why "marriage counsellers" should be trained. Based solely on his post I'd advise him to go on seeing her but don't expect permanence or for her to be "perfect", but then I'm not a trained advice-giver and I have next to nothing to go on. (Though I must say that as a middle-aged experienced layperson I do regard 'don't expect permanence or for her to be "perfect"' as suitable advice for almost anybody at almost any time.)
The problem here is that in my opinion AskMetafilter is not a great place to take this kind of issue. "Fools rush in" and so on.
posted by davy at 9:34 AM on December 24, 2006
The problem here is that in my opinion AskMetafilter is not a great place to take this kind of issue. "Fools rush in" and so on.
posted by davy at 9:34 AM on December 24, 2006
forallmankind: read my comment more closely, I'm actually a proponent of multiple-relationships. I've come to believe it is practically impossible for one person to completely fulfill another. But this is a huge topic and one more fitting to another thread.
My only rule is it has to be open and honest. From the beginning.
I refuse to believe that there was no opportunity in 2 months for her to gracefully mention she was seeing someone else. That is only common courtesy.
I mean, I figure there was opportunity the first week.
"Want to go to the movies Saturday?"
"Sorry, I have... um... plans"
And regardless of the people posting in this thread, it is not "common" to be seriously dating multiple people in secret, if for no other reason than the logistics.
If you are dating multiple partners, fine, but that's something that requires addressing in the first week or two of a new relationship. She failed to do so, so I can only assume she would fail to do if the situation presented itself again.
Honesty. That's all that I can say. As long as both people are informed and consenting, I am open to practically any arrangement. But to be consenting, the other party has to be aware.
posted by Ynoxas at 9:40 AM on December 24, 2006
My only rule is it has to be open and honest. From the beginning.
I refuse to believe that there was no opportunity in 2 months for her to gracefully mention she was seeing someone else. That is only common courtesy.
I mean, I figure there was opportunity the first week.
"Want to go to the movies Saturday?"
"Sorry, I have... um... plans"
And regardless of the people posting in this thread, it is not "common" to be seriously dating multiple people in secret, if for no other reason than the logistics.
If you are dating multiple partners, fine, but that's something that requires addressing in the first week or two of a new relationship. She failed to do so, so I can only assume she would fail to do if the situation presented itself again.
Honesty. That's all that I can say. As long as both people are informed and consenting, I am open to practically any arrangement. But to be consenting, the other party has to be aware.
posted by Ynoxas at 9:40 AM on December 24, 2006
I have this whimsical ideal of a new year bringing with it a rebirth in all aspects of life. Somethings are worth investing in and deserve to be carried over but others should be left in the past.
Only you can decide which category these events fall under and what step to take and as suggested by comments above you seem to know what that step will be.
posted by mycapaciousbottega at 9:53 AM on December 24, 2006
Only you can decide which category these events fall under and what step to take and as suggested by comments above you seem to know what that step will be.
posted by mycapaciousbottega at 9:53 AM on December 24, 2006
Yeah, sorry, she's bad news. An oopsie-I-fell-in-bed-with-someone-please-forgive-me is one thing. Two months of solid deception is something other. Give her a shoulder for her grief--if you can stand to; it's perfectly understandable if you can't--but nothing more.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 10:14 AM on December 24, 2006
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 10:14 AM on December 24, 2006
Did he die of a contagious disease? No? Well, get tested anyway and 'move on' as others have so tactfully put it. Really. Get tested.
Her reason for telling you had nothing to do with you needing to know; it had to do with her needing to tell you. It was a selfish move on her part and seems to be getting a pass based on her feeling actual grief. So what. What about your grief? She betrayed you and only ever felt the need to tell you when she was hurt; when your ability to react to her betrayal was superseded by her pain. Bitch. She has shown herself to be extremely selfish during the initial stages of a relationship and I can't really see why it should get a pass. Yeah, maybe under different circumstances she might have chosen to break it off with him and pursue a monogamous relationship with you but, hey, that is a maybe that can never be explored. She betrayed you and rubbed your nose in it.
Of course, this means that after she attends the program that you referred her to that you will stay with her. Good luck with that. I just wonder why you asked since the tenor of your message speaks to your intentions pretty clearly.
posted by geekyguy at 10:14 AM on December 24, 2006 [1 favorite]
Her reason for telling you had nothing to do with you needing to know; it had to do with her needing to tell you. It was a selfish move on her part and seems to be getting a pass based on her feeling actual grief. So what. What about your grief? She betrayed you and only ever felt the need to tell you when she was hurt; when your ability to react to her betrayal was superseded by her pain. Bitch. She has shown herself to be extremely selfish during the initial stages of a relationship and I can't really see why it should get a pass. Yeah, maybe under different circumstances she might have chosen to break it off with him and pursue a monogamous relationship with you but, hey, that is a maybe that can never be explored. She betrayed you and rubbed your nose in it.
Of course, this means that after she attends the program that you referred her to that you will stay with her. Good luck with that. I just wonder why you asked since the tenor of your message speaks to your intentions pretty clearly.
posted by geekyguy at 10:14 AM on December 24, 2006 [1 favorite]
If you were really certain of the outcome of the retreat for her, you wouldn't be asking this question.
So.
This woman has actively mislead you into thinking that you were the only one in her life (while apparently respecting the other guy enough to tell him the truth).
Will she do it again? Couldn't say. I can say that you will know that she has done it before and that you will live everyday wondering if she is repeating it. Especially since you know you have the capacity for fooling yourself about it.
Every new friend she meets, every time she is off somewhere "alone", every time she doesn't call when she says she will --- for all of these, you will be plagued with a doubt about what she's doing, and self-doubt about your ability to interpret it.
That's not a healthy way to live your life.
Walk away.
posted by tkolar at 10:15 AM on December 24, 2006 [1 favorite]
So.
This woman has actively mislead you into thinking that you were the only one in her life (while apparently respecting the other guy enough to tell him the truth).
Will she do it again? Couldn't say. I can say that you will know that she has done it before and that you will live everyday wondering if she is repeating it. Especially since you know you have the capacity for fooling yourself about it.
Every new friend she meets, every time she is off somewhere "alone", every time she doesn't call when she says she will --- for all of these, you will be plagued with a doubt about what she's doing, and self-doubt about your ability to interpret it.
That's not a healthy way to live your life.
Walk away.
posted by tkolar at 10:15 AM on December 24, 2006 [1 favorite]
Dude, she disrespected you until she felt that the truth would carry no consequences. And christ, the nerve to come to you for sympathy over the death of the other man! She doesn't take you seriously. And I get the feeling that a lot of her dissembling got quoted in your question post. "Things I could not give her" - what the hell does that ever mean?
Be a generous, forgiving soul now and in the future, this woman will give you ample opportunities to repeat the doormat behavior. She'll always have an explanation and plenty of Very Good Reasons, but the one she won't mention out loud is that she's never respected you. Not once.
posted by EatTheWeek at 10:22 AM on December 24, 2006
Be a generous, forgiving soul now and in the future, this woman will give you ample opportunities to repeat the doormat behavior. She'll always have an explanation and plenty of Very Good Reasons, but the one she won't mention out loud is that she's never respected you. Not once.
posted by EatTheWeek at 10:22 AM on December 24, 2006
A "few weeks" of dating may or may not imply someone considers herself a "girlfriend" or "in a relationship." You didn't specify whether you'd had some kind of talk about commitment, but I can envision scenarios where hiding the other relationship isn't such a big deal.
You sound like you want a commitment with this woman. You sound like you want things to be certain and you want to trust that this person will be there. But you have a woman who hasn't felt this way about you yet, and now she's been thrown for an emotional loop and needs to deal with this. (HUGE kudos to her for being honest with you at this point, by the way).
I don't think you should "dump the bitch" because she lied to you. But she will certainly be a different person because of all of this. It is possible things may work out between you but it is also more likely things won't. I am concerned though, that you are this focussed on the question about where you stand in her mind, when there is probably no answer to this right now. Can she really speak reliably about her long term goals right now?
For your sake, you need to take a HUGE step back and approach this relationship with honesty and openness, understanding that there is a very good chance this won't be right for either of you.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 10:33 AM on December 24, 2006
You sound like you want a commitment with this woman. You sound like you want things to be certain and you want to trust that this person will be there. But you have a woman who hasn't felt this way about you yet, and now she's been thrown for an emotional loop and needs to deal with this. (HUGE kudos to her for being honest with you at this point, by the way).
I don't think you should "dump the bitch" because she lied to you. But she will certainly be a different person because of all of this. It is possible things may work out between you but it is also more likely things won't. I am concerned though, that you are this focussed on the question about where you stand in her mind, when there is probably no answer to this right now. Can she really speak reliably about her long term goals right now?
For your sake, you need to take a HUGE step back and approach this relationship with honesty and openness, understanding that there is a very good chance this won't be right for either of you.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 10:33 AM on December 24, 2006
I see grounds for mutual dumping here. If I dated a guy for two months, and he thought he owned my soul, I would run so fast in another direction. In fact, I did that once...and the guy became serious stalker dude. I'm not implying that you're a stalker, but you seem overly possessive after two months.
The other thing that makes me nervous is your assumption that she will come back a changed woman to suit you. Accept her for what she is, or give her the support you would give a friend - and move on.
I don't really see a need for recriminations. Other than to make you feel good, I don't get the point.
posted by clarkstonian at 10:38 AM on December 24, 2006
The other thing that makes me nervous is your assumption that she will come back a changed woman to suit you. Accept her for what she is, or give her the support you would give a friend - and move on.
I don't really see a need for recriminations. Other than to make you feel good, I don't get the point.
posted by clarkstonian at 10:38 AM on December 24, 2006
Dump her.
It's not like you're married or have been with her for years. It's a 2 months relationship, nothing important unless you're a lonely geek or something.
posted by Memo at 10:55 AM on December 24, 2006
It's not like you're married or have been with her for years. It's a 2 months relationship, nothing important unless you're a lonely geek or something.
posted by Memo at 10:55 AM on December 24, 2006
I am imagining a bad fight one night in a mutual future when she screams out "why did he have to die? Why couldn't it have been you?"
If you are the sort of man who would laugh out loud at that moment, continue. If not, do not.
posted by jamjam at 11:00 AM on December 24, 2006
If you are the sort of man who would laugh out loud at that moment, continue. If not, do not.
posted by jamjam at 11:00 AM on December 24, 2006
I've been to the same retreat doing the same program so I know it has some effects on everybody.
I'm dying to know what sort of retreat effects EVERYBODY. I can't imagine it -- unless it's Jonestown and everybody is forced to drink poison.
You Americans are so complicated, what with your seeing other people and soul-mates and lack of exclusivity expectations and psychological retreats...
I've only lived in a couple of countries, but I've seen movies and read novels from most cultures. I've never heard of one in which love is simple. (Though I'll admit that the psychological retreats might be a mostly-American phenomenon.)
posted by grumblebee at 11:08 AM on December 24, 2006
I'm dying to know what sort of retreat effects EVERYBODY. I can't imagine it -- unless it's Jonestown and everybody is forced to drink poison.
You Americans are so complicated, what with your seeing other people and soul-mates and lack of exclusivity expectations and psychological retreats...
I've only lived in a couple of countries, but I've seen movies and read novels from most cultures. I've never heard of one in which love is simple. (Though I'll admit that the psychological retreats might be a mostly-American phenomenon.)
posted by grumblebee at 11:08 AM on December 24, 2006
Where's she going to go now for all those things she wasn't getting from you? If you want to have an exclusive relationship with this person, I'd say you've got one hell of a case of blown trust, especially so early in.
posted by scarabic at 11:36 AM on December 24, 2006
posted by scarabic at 11:36 AM on December 24, 2006
No one can predict psychological transformation with that much certainty.
I'd agree. The retreat may be fantastic and everyone may walk out of there with a big, dramatic feeling of being changed, but still, you can't be sure that will stick long. I think it's fair to be certain that the retreat will make a big impact right away, it's just not clear if that will mean anything for long.
posted by scarabic at 11:40 AM on December 24, 2006
I'd agree. The retreat may be fantastic and everyone may walk out of there with a big, dramatic feeling of being changed, but still, you can't be sure that will stick long. I think it's fair to be certain that the retreat will make a big impact right away, it's just not clear if that will mean anything for long.
posted by scarabic at 11:40 AM on December 24, 2006
clarkstonian writes "I see grounds for mutual dumping here. If I dated a guy for two months, and he thought he owned my soul, I would run so fast in another direction. In fact, I did that once...and the guy became serious stalker dude. I'm not implying that you're a stalker, but you seem overly possessive after two months. "
I don't think it's particularly possesive to be pissed off about being lied to for two months. People who are dating have a responsibility to be honest with each other. "By the way I'm also seeing someone else" needs to be said as soon as it becomes the case.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 11:58 AM on December 24, 2006
I don't think it's particularly possesive to be pissed off about being lied to for two months. People who are dating have a responsibility to be honest with each other. "By the way I'm also seeing someone else" needs to be said as soon as it becomes the case.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 11:58 AM on December 24, 2006
Dude, she disrespected you until she felt that the truth would carry no consequences. And christ, the nerve to come to you for sympathy over the death of the other man! She doesn't take you seriously. And I get the feeling that a lot of her dissembling got quoted in your question post. "Things I could not give her" - what the hell does that ever mean?
Be a generous, forgiving soul now and in the future, this woman will give you ample opportunities to repeat the doormat behavior. She'll always have an explanation and plenty of Very Good Reasons, but the one she won't mention out loud is that she's never respected you. Not once.
I wouldn't address a stranger as "dude." Other than that I think this response, unfortunately, is completely correct.
posted by drjimmy11 at 12:06 PM on December 24, 2006
Be a generous, forgiving soul now and in the future, this woman will give you ample opportunities to repeat the doormat behavior. She'll always have an explanation and plenty of Very Good Reasons, but the one she won't mention out loud is that she's never respected you. Not once.
I wouldn't address a stranger as "dude." Other than that I think this response, unfortunately, is completely correct.
posted by drjimmy11 at 12:06 PM on December 24, 2006
oh yeah and while you're at it, run a mile from any woman who thinks the fact that you object to being lied to and cheated on makes you "possessive" and a "stalker."
posted by drjimmy11 at 12:09 PM on December 24, 2006
posted by drjimmy11 at 12:09 PM on December 24, 2006
Don't decide now. Wait and see, proceed w/ caution and compassion.
posted by DenOfSizer at 12:30 PM on December 24, 2006
posted by DenOfSizer at 12:30 PM on December 24, 2006
1. If nobody outright said, "We're monogamous, right?," it's fair game to date more than one person. (Especially in the age of online personals.) You should not expect that you and whoever you are seeing are monogamous from date one. Period. And these were 2 month old very beginning relationships, not 2 year long ones. baud hasn't stated if monogamy was talked about in the relationships or not, so I'm going to assume it wasn't. If nobody said, "You can only date me," then technically I don't think it was cheating.
2. Frankly, I'm not sure if I'd want to mention that I was seeing two guys who I hadn't met through a nonmonogamous community, because then you get reactions like this "OMG CHEATING!!!!111!!!!" So while it wasn't right for her to not tell baud what was going on (especially if she told the other dude), I can kinda understand the fear and why she wouldn't want to fess up, especially if there was no stated assumption of monogamy.
3. Maybe she was going to pick one guy, maybe not. Who knows now, but it's not a factor anyway.
4. No one man/woman can satisfy every single need of their partner. Period. It's not a question of "soul mates," it's a question of reality. Now, whether you get what you can't get from the SO from other significant others or your friends or family is up to you, but it's a fact of life: you can't expect one person to provide it all.
5. I think the bottom lines here are:
(a) do you love the chick after 2 months (and rule the impending spiritual cleansing out of the decision),
(b) do you have to insist on monogamy?
(c) would she be willing to do monogamy if the answer to b is yes?
posted by jenfullmoon at 12:30 PM on December 24, 2006
2. Frankly, I'm not sure if I'd want to mention that I was seeing two guys who I hadn't met through a nonmonogamous community, because then you get reactions like this "OMG CHEATING!!!!111!!!!" So while it wasn't right for her to not tell baud what was going on (especially if she told the other dude), I can kinda understand the fear and why she wouldn't want to fess up, especially if there was no stated assumption of monogamy.
3. Maybe she was going to pick one guy, maybe not. Who knows now, but it's not a factor anyway.
4. No one man/woman can satisfy every single need of their partner. Period. It's not a question of "soul mates," it's a question of reality. Now, whether you get what you can't get from the SO from other significant others or your friends or family is up to you, but it's a fact of life: you can't expect one person to provide it all.
5. I think the bottom lines here are:
(a) do you love the chick after 2 months (and rule the impending spiritual cleansing out of the decision),
(b) do you have to insist on monogamy?
(c) would she be willing to do monogamy if the answer to b is yes?
posted by jenfullmoon at 12:30 PM on December 24, 2006
jenfullmoon writes "1. If nobody outright said, 'We're monogamous, right?,' it's fair game to date more than one person. (Especially in the age of online personals.)"
I don't disagree. But it's perfectly fair to expect, in all circumstances, someone to tell you if they're seeing anyone else as well.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 12:48 PM on December 24, 2006
I don't disagree. But it's perfectly fair to expect, in all circumstances, someone to tell you if they're seeing anyone else as well.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 12:48 PM on December 24, 2006
dirtynumbangelboy - if this Baud were a kind, forgiving soul, he wouldn't be coming to us to know the right thing to do. He'd have done it. He just wants to air her dirty linen & justify dumping her. Dump her. I think she'll be better off without him.
Unless they were engaged or living together, I am not seeing major commitment after two months. Clearly, she didn't, either. Which means the commitment was in Baud's head, not hers. There's a reason why she didn't tell him. The real question he should be asking is why?
posted by clarkstonian at 1:23 PM on December 24, 2006
Unless they were engaged or living together, I am not seeing major commitment after two months. Clearly, she didn't, either. Which means the commitment was in Baud's head, not hers. There's a reason why she didn't tell him. The real question he should be asking is why?
posted by clarkstonian at 1:23 PM on December 24, 2006
But it's perfectly fair to expect, in all circumstances, someone to tell you if they're seeing anyone else as well. (emphasis mine)
This is the point.
I, and I would think most other people in this thread, think is it fine if someone wants to date more than one person... mefi is usually not very puritanical.
What those in the thread who disagree with this girl's actions are questioning is the outright omission of this important information.
That's all. Nothing more. If you're dating 7 people, hey, wonderful, enjoy. But, they all deserve to know of one another.
Also, note she DID tell the other 2 month guy, but not THIS 2 month guy.
This clearly shows she was treating them differently, and shows there was purposeful deception. That is enough, for me, to wash my hands of the situation.
posted by Ynoxas at 2:05 PM on December 24, 2006
This is the point.
I, and I would think most other people in this thread, think is it fine if someone wants to date more than one person... mefi is usually not very puritanical.
What those in the thread who disagree with this girl's actions are questioning is the outright omission of this important information.
That's all. Nothing more. If you're dating 7 people, hey, wonderful, enjoy. But, they all deserve to know of one another.
Also, note she DID tell the other 2 month guy, but not THIS 2 month guy.
This clearly shows she was treating them differently, and shows there was purposeful deception. That is enough, for me, to wash my hands of the situation.
posted by Ynoxas at 2:05 PM on December 24, 2006
Ynoxas writes "I, and I would think most other people in this thread, think is it fine if someone wants to date more than one person... mefi is usually not very puritanical."
Yup, absolutely. If you want to date multiple people, then by all means do so. But if you don't tell everyone involved about the arrangement, you are an asshole. Male or female, doesn't matter; you're an asshole.
Ynoxas writes "Also, note she DID tell the other 2 month guy, but not THIS 2 month guy.
"This clearly shows she was treating them differently, and shows there was purposeful deception. That is enough, for me, to wash my hands of the situation."
Bingo.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 2:13 PM on December 24, 2006
Yup, absolutely. If you want to date multiple people, then by all means do so. But if you don't tell everyone involved about the arrangement, you are an asshole. Male or female, doesn't matter; you're an asshole.
Ynoxas writes "Also, note she DID tell the other 2 month guy, but not THIS 2 month guy.
"This clearly shows she was treating them differently, and shows there was purposeful deception. That is enough, for me, to wash my hands of the situation."
Bingo.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 2:13 PM on December 24, 2006
If you want to date multiple people, then by all means do so. But if you don't tell...
We know she didn't explicitly tell the OP that she was dating the guy that died but we don't know that she didn't tell the OP she was dating other people. You sort of can imagine that was the case but still, as someone said, if the relationship wasn't exclusive, it's not that big of a deal seeing other people. For me, you can't go too far with this discussion until you know if the relationship was exclusive.
posted by sexymofo at 2:37 PM on December 24, 2006
We know she didn't explicitly tell the OP that she was dating the guy that died but we don't know that she didn't tell the OP she was dating other people. You sort of can imagine that was the case but still, as someone said, if the relationship wasn't exclusive, it's not that big of a deal seeing other people. For me, you can't go too far with this discussion until you know if the relationship was exclusive.
posted by sexymofo at 2:37 PM on December 24, 2006
If I was in a relationship that gave me everything I needed, I would think there was something wrong with me. People are complicated, life is complicated, the idea that one person could fulfill all your emotional needs is too idealistic. Married people have non-sexual friends for a reason. Now, that said, you should assess what needs the other guy met. If they are needs that can only be met through a sexual, romantic relationship (like a mutual interest in BDSM and exotic travel) that you are unable to do (spanking hurts, allergic to papaya) then things probably won't work out.
Now, as far as the lying thing... if you talked about being exclusive and she said that you were the only one, then she lied and that is a bad thing. That said, your relationship was pretty young. If you didn't talk about exclusivity, it sounds like she went out of her way to conceal her true relationship with this other guy, which is kind of like lying, unless you are a congressmen. In that case, she has probably been re-elected and your relationship is doomed.
She made some bad decisions and tried to conceal them from you. Now she has come clean and sounds like she wants the comfort that your relationship can provide. If I were you, I would give things another go but I wouldn't get too serious about it. Try it on, if it chafes, end it. If the relationship makes you paranoid that she is involved with another or that she is deceiving you in any way, it is best to call it quits. Do what makes you feel happy, not what you think you should do. If you do decide to break it off, be super gentle.
posted by Foam Pants at 2:47 PM on December 24, 2006
Now, as far as the lying thing... if you talked about being exclusive and she said that you were the only one, then she lied and that is a bad thing. That said, your relationship was pretty young. If you didn't talk about exclusivity, it sounds like she went out of her way to conceal her true relationship with this other guy, which is kind of like lying, unless you are a congressmen. In that case, she has probably been re-elected and your relationship is doomed.
She made some bad decisions and tried to conceal them from you. Now she has come clean and sounds like she wants the comfort that your relationship can provide. If I were you, I would give things another go but I wouldn't get too serious about it. Try it on, if it chafes, end it. If the relationship makes you paranoid that she is involved with another or that she is deceiving you in any way, it is best to call it quits. Do what makes you feel happy, not what you think you should do. If you do decide to break it off, be super gentle.
posted by Foam Pants at 2:47 PM on December 24, 2006
sexymofo writes "if the relationship wasn't exclusive, it's not that big of a deal seeing other people."
Of course it's not a big deal. The big deal was lying about it for two months. More to the point... she told the other guy she was dating the OP, but told the OP that OtherGuy was just a friend.
She lied to one and not the other.
The girl is dishonest, and the OP is better off without her, period.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 2:51 PM on December 24, 2006
Of course it's not a big deal. The big deal was lying about it for two months. More to the point... she told the other guy she was dating the OP, but told the OP that OtherGuy was just a friend.
She lied to one and not the other.
The girl is dishonest, and the OP is better off without her, period.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 2:51 PM on December 24, 2006
All I can add is that love is NOT all you need. You also need trust, amongst other things. Getting this from the relationship at this point will be hard, maybe even impossible.
posted by xammerboy at 4:50 PM on December 24, 2006
posted by xammerboy at 4:50 PM on December 24, 2006
Dump her, or, if you like her, don't. Really, it's only been two months. Your relationship is new, very new. Define some boundaries if you want to go on and don't waiver on those boundaries until the relationship has had time to mature. Don't stay with her because you feel sorry for her, she made this mess herself and further that is no basis for a relationship.
posted by Pollomacho at 4:55 PM on December 24, 2006
posted by Pollomacho at 4:55 PM on December 24, 2006
Demote her to a friend. Give her a year or two to demonstrate she deserves your trust.
posted by gmarceau at 4:57 PM on December 24, 2006
posted by gmarceau at 4:57 PM on December 24, 2006
All I can say is, I'm sorry. No one should ever be in such a tough situation, especially at this time of year. I have no good advice to give you, but I wish you well.
posted by freshwater_pr0n at 5:13 PM on December 24, 2006
posted by freshwater_pr0n at 5:13 PM on December 24, 2006
My husband started our relationship with that sort of lie. I didn't know until years later. He was involved with another woman at the same time he started with me--and we started intense. About three months into our relationship, he picked me. It was clear something changed, but I wasn't sure what it was.
I'm glad I didn't know at the time because I'm pretty sure I would have left him--I think he's a different person now. He and I were young when we started. Luckily as we've grown into each stage we've grown in the same direction. I don't think he'd indulge in that same kind of deception at this point in our lives--but if he did, I'm fairly certain it wouldn't kill off what we have (unless he was the one to call it quits).
We've been together more than 24 years.
posted by katier at 7:50 PM on December 24, 2006
I'm glad I didn't know at the time because I'm pretty sure I would have left him--I think he's a different person now. He and I were young when we started. Luckily as we've grown into each stage we've grown in the same direction. I don't think he'd indulge in that same kind of deception at this point in our lives--but if he did, I'm fairly certain it wouldn't kill off what we have (unless he was the one to call it quits).
We've been together more than 24 years.
posted by katier at 7:50 PM on December 24, 2006
Demote her to a friend. Give her a year or two to demonstrate she deserves your trust.
bwhaaaaa?
If I were her and you did that, the issue wouldn't even come up in a year or two. Trust me.
The relationship started "a few weeks ago." It's pretty normal to be seeing more than one person for that period of time. Some people see more than one person for years, often without cheating.
I'll spare you my monogamy = serial insecurity rant right now, and just point out that you seem to be taking a few weeks of lovin' a little too seriously, and the fact that a friend just had a friend die not seriously enough. If you want to keep seeing her, keep seeing her. If you don't, don't. Either way, be there for her. If you've no interest in being there for her through this, then I'd have to wonder why you were hurt when she "cheated" on you.
posted by poweredbybeard at 8:32 PM on December 24, 2006
bwhaaaaa?
If I were her and you did that, the issue wouldn't even come up in a year or two. Trust me.
The relationship started "a few weeks ago." It's pretty normal to be seeing more than one person for that period of time. Some people see more than one person for years, often without cheating.
I'll spare you my monogamy = serial insecurity rant right now, and just point out that you seem to be taking a few weeks of lovin' a little too seriously, and the fact that a friend just had a friend die not seriously enough. If you want to keep seeing her, keep seeing her. If you don't, don't. Either way, be there for her. If you've no interest in being there for her through this, then I'd have to wonder why you were hurt when she "cheated" on you.
posted by poweredbybeard at 8:32 PM on December 24, 2006
poweredbybeard writes "The relationship started 'a few weeks ago.' It's pretty normal to be seeing more than one person for that period of time."
Yes it is, but you--as with many people in this thread--have missed the point.
Let's try this again:
The problem is not that she dated someone else. The problem is that she lied about dating someone else. Not just a lie of omission, but blatantly saying that the other guy was just a friend.. Moroever, she did tell the other guy that she was seeing someone else, which points to her being a deceptive twit.
poweredbybeard writes "If you've no interest in being there for her through this, then I'd have to wonder why you were hurt when she 'cheated' on you."
Again. She lied. That is the problem. And I would venture to guess that the hurt is precisely why the OP would not want to 'be there for her'. I, for one, would not blame him.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 8:36 PM on December 24, 2006
Yes it is, but you--as with many people in this thread--have missed the point.
Let's try this again:
The problem is not that she dated someone else. The problem is that she lied about dating someone else. Not just a lie of omission, but blatantly saying that the other guy was just a friend.. Moroever, she did tell the other guy that she was seeing someone else, which points to her being a deceptive twit.
poweredbybeard writes "If you've no interest in being there for her through this, then I'd have to wonder why you were hurt when she 'cheated' on you."
Again. She lied. That is the problem. And I would venture to guess that the hurt is precisely why the OP would not want to 'be there for her'. I, for one, would not blame him.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 8:36 PM on December 24, 2006
She found things I could not give to her in the other relationship and vice versa.
What's going to change that now? Have you actually talked to her about this, do you think you have somewhere you can go with this relationship so that it will be satisfying to both of you?
You sound like you would rather stay with her. Why is that? Is it because you honestly see this relationship going somewhere good, or is it because it makes you feel good to be a "forgiving generous soul"?
posted by !Jim at 9:11 PM on December 24, 2006
What's going to change that now? Have you actually talked to her about this, do you think you have somewhere you can go with this relationship so that it will be satisfying to both of you?
You sound like you would rather stay with her. Why is that? Is it because you honestly see this relationship going somewhere good, or is it because it makes you feel good to be a "forgiving generous soul"?
posted by !Jim at 9:11 PM on December 24, 2006
I'd only keep seeing her if she's really sorry about lying to you (and not just sorry about getting caught- would she have told you if he hadn't passed away?). I personally hate hate hate lying more than anything, so I would distance myself from this toxic soul.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 6:49 AM on December 25, 2006 [1 favorite]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 6:49 AM on December 25, 2006 [1 favorite]
Best answer: You're undecided about whether to keep seeing her. Why not wait and see? If you dump her now, you might wonder in the future if that was the best thing for you. I don't see any downside to holding off on the decision. It won't be long before you figure out what to do. I'm recommending this approach because you took up with her only a few weeks ago -- and because you seem to really like her.
But don't do it in order to act like a forgiving, nice guy. Do it for yourself. And if you're thinking you need to make allowances because she's grieving or freaked out, keep in mind that "making allowances" can be code for a kind of lying -- if you're pretending something doesn't bother you when it actually does.
Right now today, decide that honesty is more important than romance or forced kindness. And that means being truthful about how you really feel. Keeping things to yourself can magnify whatever anger and pain you start out with. Just get it out there, along with your positive thoughts. It isn't unkind.
I think the most important thing you can take away from this experience is the knowledge that your intuition was correct; you had a feeling that certain things weren't making sense. And now you have a feeling that she might be bad news, but also that you're not ready to write her off. Just grope your way along, and stay in touch with your gut feeling.
posted by wryly at 12:36 PM on December 25, 2006
But don't do it in order to act like a forgiving, nice guy. Do it for yourself. And if you're thinking you need to make allowances because she's grieving or freaked out, keep in mind that "making allowances" can be code for a kind of lying -- if you're pretending something doesn't bother you when it actually does.
Right now today, decide that honesty is more important than romance or forced kindness. And that means being truthful about how you really feel. Keeping things to yourself can magnify whatever anger and pain you start out with. Just get it out there, along with your positive thoughts. It isn't unkind.
I think the most important thing you can take away from this experience is the knowledge that your intuition was correct; you had a feeling that certain things weren't making sense. And now you have a feeling that she might be bad news, but also that you're not ready to write her off. Just grope your way along, and stay in touch with your gut feeling.
posted by wryly at 12:36 PM on December 25, 2006
"Now she has come clean and sounds like she wants the comfort that your relationship can provide."
Right. Sounds like she needs a grief mop, and since Secret Boyfriend is gone, she's going to use Unwitting Boyfriend to soak it all up. Then what? Has anyone considered that she didn't really just "come clean" but figured "Well, now that it's over and I'm a wreck, I'd better explain why?" If the dead guy was still alive, would she still be seeing him too? Sure sounds like it.
I vote "dump her."
posted by drstein at 10:20 PM on December 25, 2006
Right. Sounds like she needs a grief mop, and since Secret Boyfriend is gone, she's going to use Unwitting Boyfriend to soak it all up. Then what? Has anyone considered that she didn't really just "come clean" but figured "Well, now that it's over and I'm a wreck, I'd better explain why?" If the dead guy was still alive, would she still be seeing him too? Sure sounds like it.
I vote "dump her."
posted by drstein at 10:20 PM on December 25, 2006
And here is another vote for the 'support her grief, dump her and move on'.
posted by MathewS at 5:44 PM on December 26, 2006
posted by MathewS at 5:44 PM on December 26, 2006
Bail. To outsiders, this question answers itself. She wasn't honest with you. Your interests come first over someone who has taken advantage of you and you've only known a short time.
posted by Ironmouth at 7:53 AM on December 27, 2006
posted by Ironmouth at 7:53 AM on December 27, 2006
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by jmhodges at 3:46 AM on December 24, 2006