How do I stay calm during high-stress moments?

December 8, 2006 10:16 AM

I'm two weeks away from escaping a bad work environment. What are some techniques for dealing with high-stress moments in my final weeks?

I work in an institutional setting with very hostile 'clients.' I am partnered with (read: am unable to escape from for even seconds) an obnoxious person for nine hours a day and I frequently have to cover this person's ass. I do not have any breaks, not even a lunch break, so I don't eat until I go home. I don't think that's legal, but then a lot of things happening in this place aren't. I am verbally abused on a daily basis and get no respect or support from my employers. For months I've been coming home and crying every day, then telling myself that letting this get to me means I'm being too thin-skinned. After all, other people work in this place and they seem to be holding it together. But I've finally admitted I can't cut it. My skin isn't getting any thicker.

I thought the relief of knowing I'm leaving would help me float around on an untouchable cloud, but it hasn't. I'm always seconds away from crying or having some kind of breakdown.

How do I get through these last weeks? I would like tips that deal with staying calm at a specific moment (when someone tells me they hate me and want me to die, for example; that happens a lot), as opposed to general stress-reducing happy lifestyle tips. Please. I feel like I am suffocating from constant dread.

I see now I should have either quit or sought professional counseling earlier.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (34 answers total)

Carry a camcorder with you all day. This can work as a kind of shield.

Close your eyes and count to ten.

Think of a calm place, a happy place, and go there mentally.

Imagine the person you are looking at is in their underwear and try not to laugh.

I guess talking back is not an option. But if not, try to make a fun joke or reply in complete agreement with them, and tack on 'Well, it's a good thing I am leaving then...'

Just know that you have a basic right to exist and nobody has the right to take that from you.
posted by Monkey0nCrack at 10:25 AM on December 8, 2006

Are you legally obligated to finish out your two weeks? As bad as your situation sounds (and it sounds among the worst), it might be worth saving your mental health just to walk on out the door. In any case, I get the impression your skin is already reasonably thick for staying as long as you have.

On preview, I like the camcorder idea.
posted by malaprohibita at 10:26 AM on December 8, 2006

In the Navy, we have a saying called "FIGMO"... meaning "Fuck it, I got my orders". This means that you've received your orders to your next duty station and you're on the way out the door.

How much of that pack you take off your back before you walk out the door is up to you - but if it's as hellish as it sounds I'd be barely lifting a finger right now. Instead, I'd be working on providing your coworkers with a turnover of knowledge so that they can continue on without you.

Also, compartmentalization is a great concept for any stressful situation.
posted by matty at 10:27 AM on December 8, 2006 [1 favorite]

Taking up smoking will work on a number of levels.

First of all, the excellent, relaxing rush of nicotine is a great stress reliever.

Secondly, even though you seemingly get no breaks, I doubt they will let you smoke inside. Just take a pack of cigarettes out of your pocket, and say "be right back". Take your time. Repear several times a day.

Thirdly, do not chew gum after smoking, or use mints or anything else. Your death breath will keep the this annoying partner at arm's length for the duration of your stay.

Whenever you feel on the verge of a breakdown, go out for a smoke.
posted by poppo at 10:30 AM on December 8, 2006

Keep this shining moment in mind, every time you feel down.

Those poor bastards are stuck here

Make this your mantra.

Someone telling you they hate you?
Their stuck here.

Hungry?
This ends for me soon.

People make it through prison, through tough times. You will too.

The difference? You can see freedom.

And from a compassionate place, Imagine how shitty these people's lives are that they behave as such.
posted by filmgeek at 10:42 AM on December 8, 2006

OMFG, call it a day and go home. At 10 am, just after your newly instituted personal coffee break. Everyday, from now to to your last day.

Or, if it is legally or otherwise impossible to go home, let your obnoxious partner get all the heat. If he/she complains, make the most childish face you can manage and say "Ask me if I care". Then stand up and take a break for lunch (if they ask, tell them you now have a break for lunch). That is, stop worrying and start acting as a teenager in a rampage. This not only helps, it cures stress.
posted by nkyad at 10:43 AM on December 8, 2006

I don't think smoking is a good idea, but a lunch of onions, garlic, and anchovies might be ideal. Maybe take a swig of scotch or two at lunch, that usually helps too.

In a more serious note, this is a good chance to practice emotional control. Just relax and let the fury pass over you. You can do it you just have to learn how to be, well, a slacker.

Also, take lunch breaks, no matter what. Arrive late and leave work early. They have no power over you anymore. The best thing that can happen is if they kick you out early. If necessary, just plain walk away from people who are talking to you that you don't want to deal with.

Say, are you one of those unfortunates who cannot hang up on telemarketers?
posted by chairface at 10:43 AM on December 8, 2006

Realize that none of it matters one bit.
posted by knave at 10:55 AM on December 8, 2006 [1 favorite]

Why must you stay in that environment any longer? I know your question is about staying calm, but if you feel like you're on the verge of a breakdown, you need to get out now.
posted by letitrain at 10:56 AM on December 8, 2006

Come down with a case of 2 week flue and use up all of your sick days
posted by batboy at 11:00 AM on December 8, 2006

What's the worst thing that can happen at this point? They'll fire you? You won't be able to use these people as a reference in the future? It's not like those are losses. The worst thing I can think of is you might be out two weeks pay.

You owe them nothing. Rinse, repeat. You owe them nothing. They are toxic, and you will very soon be free. So don't cover anyone's ass. Let the shit fly, you don't have to catch it any more. You don't have to talk back (unless you want to), but just walk away from those giving you crap. You are effectively killing time. None of it matters any more. You are free.

In your head, make fun of everyone there. Giggle to yourself about how much their lives must suck because they're stuck there. You are now in a better place than them. Nobody can say anything to harm you anymore because THEY DON'T MATTER. Laugh at them. And for the love of god, follow all the previous suggestions and generally just be a useless employee. Remember, you owe them nothing.
posted by cgg at 11:02 AM on December 8, 2006

What is the point in staying two weeks? So that you'll get a good referral from future employers. From what you've written, you wont be getting that in any case, so just walk.

Really, it is courtesy not a legal obligation to stay two weeks, so the only thing that is keeping you there is your reputation. You don't have one, and you won't get a (good) one in two weeks. Leave now.
posted by Invoke at 11:03 AM on December 8, 2006

Now a response to the actual question, rather than giving advice about the root cause of your situation.

What I do is tell myself that it is vanishingly unlikely that the person actually intends this bile for me. More likely, he or she is having a terrible day, or a terrible life, and I am a convenient target. "It is not about me" is the mantra I use to good effect in those pressure/on-the-spot situations.
posted by Invoke at 1:39 PM on December 8, 2006

Get an ipod
fill with happy music
plug in & and go to your happy place.
posted by special-k at 2:02 PM on December 8, 2006

Is this telemarketing or collection agency work? Extracting chicken spines? Water-hose torturing prisoners? Staying the last 2 weeks will only further cripple you. If you were given this situation by someone you loved what would tell them, nay, demand that they do? The pain you feel is your child-soul trying not to die. If your heart hates the work, it's heartless work. Your job sounds worse.
Get up and walk out quietly.
Look up at the sky and breath.
posted by sarcasman at 2:23 PM on December 8, 2006

Having worked for a bully in the past, I second your realization that you need some professional help. Simply leaving will be a great relief (It feels so good when you stop hitting your head with a hammer!) But you'll need to find out why

1) you stayed so long
2) what made you a good target, and
3) how to avoid being a target in the future.

I'm not saying for a second that their behavior was your fault. I'm saying they sensed something in you that was easy to exploit, and they did.

I'd go to bullybusters to find out more.

Near the end of my toddler-boss' sojurn, I would simply stand at parade rest and stare, maybe at her, maybe over her shoulder. Didn't even listen. It frustrated the hell out of her since she'd lived for my reactions.

So stand up, zone out, and think of dandelions.
posted by lysdexic at 2:30 PM on December 8, 2006

No job is worth any level of hell. If there's no way for you to escape taking off those two weeks, do a few simple things, like buy a monthly calendar and at the end of every day mark it off. Treat yourself (and your spouse) to something at the end - even if it's just a semi-nice dinner, or a movie date, or something. Screw it - treat yourself at the end of each day with a nice bath, nice desert, nice whatever it is that keeps you going in stressful times.

Please ignore the smoking suggestion - although I understand what they're getting at, it's just too evil a habit to try and shake. Try however possible to get moments to just stop and breathe (in lieu of full blown meditative moments); go outside for any amount of time just to grab any fresh air. If that's impossible - and it seems to be - at least have something in your space that can keep you going. Add plants to your cubicle or station, add pictures - do whatever you can to make the space bearable (assuming you have one). And above all, treat yourself gently - this is not a case of 'you not being able to cut it'. Sounds like a horrid hell - the soonder you're out of there the better.

Best of luck - I hope you can let us know you make it out in 2 weeks.
posted by rmm at 2:37 PM on December 8, 2006

his isn't advice I'd typically give, but since you have a clear and defined endpoint and the duration of this situation is rather short...one way to get through it is to just shut yourself down emotionally while at work. How?

* Be an automaton. Arrive precisely on time, leave precisely on time. Do not care about anything other than moving work from the "to do" pile to the "done pile."

*Speak only when spoken to, and with only 8-10 stock phrases, pretty much. They should include such vague inanities as "Okay. Yes. No. I'll put that on the list. Thanks. Good suggestion. Working on it. Sorry, that's not possible."

* If/when your crazy coworker flips out and starts yelling, let your eyes glaze over and pretend that she's a very annoying TV set or ringing cell phone. Patiently wait until she's done. Nod once. Go back to work.

* When you feel that indignation or tears bubbling up, set it free like a little bird. Return to blankness. A mantra is a good idea here.

* When you get home, take a bubble bath and cry. Then put on your pajamas and watch a movie or read a really engrossing book or work on some kind of creative project with an escapist bent.

Is this a good long-term coping strategy? Um, no. But if you need to just get through two weeks, it'll save you a lot of energy. Soon, you'll be able to look at this as your own little black hole from which you escaped.

/been somewhere similar
posted by desuetude at 2:39 PM on December 8, 2006 [1 favorite]

Plenty of good advice here, but mine is as follows: Change is a scary thing, even if it good change. Here's how I coped in the space between leaving a really crappy job to going to one of the best jobs I ever had...

- Do exactly what the job requires, nothing more. Stay only as long as you are obliged to do so, then leave without looking back. You have resigned: however much they try and guilt you or try and make you feel bad, don't let it get to you. And stop covering your partners ass: if they screw up, tell them and your boss, otherwise it'll all end up being blamed on you.

- Smile with the secret knowledge that you are getting out. When people ask you what you are going to do next, smile and say "whatever I feel like doing". Focus on the fact that, however shitty your life is right now, you are getting out. For me, the mantra was the Waterboys song New Life :" I've burned my bridges/ and I'm free at last/ All my chains are/in the past/The new life starts here"

- Those lyrics aside, don't burn any bridges; even if you have no intention of ever going back, you may need a favor (like a reference) or come across a colleague in the future, and you don't want to be remembered as the arsehole who told them all to eff off. Bridge burning is satisfying, but not helpful in the long run.
posted by baggers at 2:56 PM on December 8, 2006

Don't start smoking (or drinking), I mean, WTF was that?

One of the following three techiques should work:

* Don't go in. Call in sick, family emergency, car breakdown. Works if there's no financial problems with the last few pays.

* Bite back. Tell people to fuck off, or that they're arseholes, or whatever. Works if you're sure you're in no physical danger.

* Go in and do nothing. I don't mean nothing different, I mean nothing. Be there, but be useless. Or if you want, only do stuff you actually enjoy or find interesting. Maybe try techniques you've always wanted to try, but were risky. This typically works anywhere for a short time -- and it works longer if you say you'll do whatever anyone wants but then don't do it.

If the place is as you've described it sounds like they've already burnt their bridges with you, there's really nothing for you to lose. Know that once you've left, everything that goes wrong for the next couple of months will be blamed on you where at all possible, so it doesn't matter what you do now.
posted by krisjohn at 3:09 PM on December 8, 2006

Society will not collapse if you're not there getting kicked in the teeth every day. And you shouldn't feel bad just because a shitty employer had to find somebody to cover a few shifts for a couple weeks. Go.
posted by koeselitz at 3:36 PM on December 8, 2006

Good advice from others about (well, except the smoking, but I'm sure that was a joke). Since you say that you're always seconds away from crying-- a specific tip-- if I find myself feeling like tears are welling up (when it's not ok to cry), I can usually look up to the ceiling and bring on a sneeze, and the feeling that I'm about to cry passes... maybe that would work for you too?
posted by waterfall at 4:45 PM on December 8, 2006

Screw the two-week notice -- this is a courtesy you extend to an employer. This employer deserves no such thing (unless there is some benefit in it for you).

If you must stay:

Don't pass on any information. If you have specialized elements that only you can do, let them die when you walk out the door. Don't write anything down and don't train anyone. Delete all e-mails, ruin what you can.

Yes, become lazy. Bathroom breaks, walks around the building, walks around the parking lot. Never had a lunch break? Now's your chance. Lunch break your brains out.

Don't cover for anyone. Let them take what's coming to them. In fact, don't even work with them. Just go sit somewhere else. Move your whole operation to an empty desk if you can. Why the hell not?

It can take up to two weeks to clean out a desk. This task requires many trips to the car, rummaging around on hands and knees, weighing what should go or stay very, very carefully.

A lot of arbitrary rules can hinder one's working environment. Like, for example, what's the point of starting at eight when you feel like starting at eight-thirty or nine? In the scope of the vast world, this rule is useless. Same with dress codes or core hours or quitting times. Same with so-called headphone rules. Often, meetings get in the way of work. Don't go to those either.

Do not be an automaton. Do not be run over by pricks. If someone tells you they hate you and want you to die, act as you would in the real world: yell back, or call the police (just don't get in any fights). Speak asshole language. Now's the time, with little or no consequence, to do as you've been dreaming. Tell them what you think. What can they do, fire you? If so, who cares? (Again, act in your own self-interest -- you need a reference, don't tell the boss to fuck himself.)

Also, exit interviews. Might be an opportunity to watch some HR hack write down nonsensical phrases that you invent on the spot. "The job is the office in the center of the core of the underlying building structure that blooms radially in a patchwork display of answering machines." Otherwise, just skip it. Why help them improve anything?
posted by luckypozzo at 4:45 PM on December 8, 2006 [2 favorites]

First, take a calming breath and remember "This too shall pass." Yes, you probably should have quit before things became this bad but hindsight is always 20:20, so don't waste time on self-recrimination.

Realising that there is nothing more that they can do to you, that they cannot touch you, is tremendously empowering. I've been in a similar situation so I know just how badly something like this can fuck with your brain.

I recommend that you stop self-censoring. If someone is giving you trouble, stop internalising and say right out loud "You're really annoying and I wish you'd go away" or whatever it is you were thinking at the time. You don't have to be rude or angry - just honest.

Firstly, it will feel tremendously good. Secondly, what are they going to do? Fire you? Make your life miserable? Thirdy, they may actually be so shocked that they do as you ask.

Hang in there, my dear. Not long to go.
posted by ninazer0 at 4:49 PM on December 8, 2006

It's just a ride.
posted by chrissyboy at 4:52 PM on December 8, 2006

Darling, these people have wrecked you. I'm very glad you've quit. What's amazing to me is this: Why are you the only person who is not allowed to act terribly? Not that you should have sunk to their level--but by what horrible process have you forced yourself to be the good one, who won't even EAT during a workday, who won't SUE your employers, and won't tell hideous people like this to FUCK OFF?

If I were right there with you right now, I'd make you stand in front of the mirror and scream "I'M NOT TAKING YOUR SHIT ANY MORE" about 83 times.

Frankly I'm worried about where you're putting all your repressed anger. If you find yourself kicking puppies in a few years, well, at least you'll know why you're so pissed off.

Please email this site's administrators an update to this post so that we can all know that you've walked off the job tomorrow with both your middle fingers in the air. And are on your way to a labor lawyer's office. Or at least to the local paper.

OF COURSE you're crying. People are treating you like a DOG. And you HAVE LET THEM. Please do not do this again. You don't deserve it.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 4:53 PM on December 8, 2006

Do you write? These people aren't just pigs. They're material. You can get back at them for years. If that angle helps you any.
posted by furiousthought at 5:47 PM on December 8, 2006

Other people may cope better than you with the environment not because they are better people than you but because they are worse than you! They may care less about your unfortunate clients. It is greatly to your credit that you do still care what they say and haven't just built a wall around yourself that they can't reach through.

Leaving is not failure, but making a sensible decision to move on to somewhere where you may fit better and be able to give more. You will be taking with you useful lessons learned at this place, it wasn't just a hole in your life but a strand in the "rich tapestry" of your life -- the one whose pattern we may never recognise until we are old (and which may appear quite different to other people).

For your last couple of weeks, lighten up on yourself a bit, don't work twice as hard. If you need to tidy paperwork then point out to your boss that you will have to be taken off the client-contact work. As you don't have to worry about on-going relationships, you may be able to soften up with the clients too. There are some good suggestions above for coping with stress points, but my favourite thing for the worst moments is calculating how much I am being paid for this per minute, it does take the edge off things if you are mentally spending the money!
posted by Idcoytco at 6:11 PM on December 8, 2006

Where the hell do you work, a sweatshop? No lunch break? WTF? Can you even reveal what type of business would treat people so abominably?

You say "institutional," which makes me think prison, hospital or some such... but those types of environments are so regulated I can't imagine getting away with not allowing any breaks.

I am thrilled you are getting out. If it will not hurt you, cost you any money (excessively), or threaten your chances for future employment elsewhere- GET OUT NOW. Why prolong the agony?
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 7:30 PM on December 8, 2006

Xanax. I had to finish working out a 6 week notice period in order to collect a very large severance package. I wasn't sleeping, and was clenching my jaw so tight that I ended up needing a root canal. Oh, and my situation wasn't nearly as evil as yours.

Anyhow, I saw my primary care physician, told her my situation, and she had no problem giving me a prescription to deal with this intense, short term anxiety. I took as needed... usually no more than 1/2 pill a day (I don't remember the exact dosage).

I also took looonnng lunches, came in late and left early.

That was in May. And I haven't taken a pill since then.
posted by kimdog at 7:50 PM on December 8, 2006

OK, for all the good advice in here, there's some astoundingly bad advice. Besides the suggestions to start smoking and drinking on work hours, deletion of email is really really bad. Remember that company email is company property, and deleting it is tantamount to destroying tangible assets. People have been sued for this, and it's really not a good idea.

That said, I hope you can find a way out of this dilemma. Advice on the exit interview: schedule one if you can, and tell them it was the best job you've ever had and you're sorry to be leaving. Lying like that does two things: first, you're not burning any bridges, and second, you're not only not providing any useful information, you're DELIBERATELY inserting inaccurate data into their assessment system. It's a double win.
posted by aberrant at 8:44 PM on December 8, 2006

Good luck! The end is nigh.

And while i wouldn't recommend deleting email, any company with an IT department/person that doesn't keep a back up reel for people receiving important email is staffed by retards and deserves to lose it all anyway. I'd wouldn't stress over the legality of it.

Maybe you could take lunch at your desk or something? Really smelly, messy lunch. Please eat.
posted by captaincrouton at 9:11 PM on December 8, 2006

I left a shitty job once where I wanted to leave on at least reasonably good terms because while the job was shit, the company was large and had good benefits - you never know what you might need in a few years.

What I did was do the minimal amount of work required to keep from being fired on the spot. Which wasn't much, since they were more concerned with having a warm body on the phone, and since they needed me there for those two weeks, disciplinary actions were out of the question. So I came in late, took excessively long lunches, browsed the web, and took 3-5 calls in an 8 hour shift when I should have been taking 30 or so.

If you HAVE to be there, just remember, there is nothing they can do at this point. If they fire you? Collect unemployment. Meanwhile, just fuck it, enjoy knowing that you'll be free soon. And if you can just walk, just do that.
posted by [insert clever name here] at 10:52 PM on December 8, 2006

A couple things that helped me, in a similar situation. YMMV.

1. First and foremost, eat, even if it's just a protein bar or shake that you wolf down in 2 minutes. It's easier to keep your emotions under control when your blood sugar is steady throughout the day.
2. On your way to work, listen to songs like "Take This Job and Shove It" or the others listed here. When someone starts getting on your case, sing one of these songs in your head until they stop. (I'd also include "Figaro" and sing it as FIGMO instead, but then FIGMO is my new favorite word.)
3. Write stories/movies about yourself in your head. In one you could be an actor gathering material for your next part. In one you could be a detective investigating the Mystery of the Disappearing Nun. Start one like Snoopy would: "Here's the WWI flying ace down behind enemy lines ...". Pay attention to the details, not the big picture. What abstract thing would the camera focus on? Maybe a dust mote rising in a streak of sunshine would be a good motif for a particularly intense moment.
4. When someone attacks, think about something incredibly stupid, like Pee Wee Herman's "I know you are, but what am I?" or Adam Sandler singing "I Feel Pretty" in Anger Management.
5. Remember that being nervous or thinking you're going to have a breakdown doesn't mean you can't cope with a situation. It's okay to have rubbery knees; you can complete your task anyway.

I also like the idea of pretending to everyone that this is your favorite job ever and you are so sad to leave, just to mess with their heads, but that might be pretty hard to do.

You will get through this. And then you'll never have to go back there again.
posted by Jaie at 11:03 AM on December 10, 2006