Help my ass stop hurting!
November 19, 2006 9:07 AM   Subscribe

A new question about ass pain: I've just finished a week-and-a-half course of anti-biotics after some dental surgery. One of the side effects, I assume because of the eradication of digestive bacteria, is that the amount of shit I've been putting out has tripled. I used to be a twice-a-day man, now it's three times and the volume is huge.

In the last several days, I've developed what seems like a throbbing swollen vein in my ass, maybe an inch to the left side from the asshole. Oh, sweet Jesus, it hurts. It hurts when I sit, it hurts less when I stand, but it hurts. But there's no blood, and no external tissue, and all the the info I've seen indicates that internal hemorrhoids shouldn't cause any pain. The real question is that since I'm due to drive several thousand miles in a few days, what can I do about it before then? (And no, I don't have any insurance or money, so realize that unless I think that it's gonna be horrible, permanent harm, I'm going to try to avoid seeing one).
posted by anonymous to Health & Fitness (13 answers total)
  • Google "low residue diet". The less you have to go for the short term, the better.
  • Take a probiotic or eat lots of organic yogurt or Activia. If you really have an intestinal flora problem, that'll be a must.
  • One of those inflatable rings, maybe? They sell 'em at drug stores for hemmorhoid sufferers.

posted by condour75 at 9:38 AM on November 19, 2006

Hydrocortisone cream to reduce the inflammation; a pharmacist can help you choose. Eat enough fiber and drink enough water so you don't have to strain.
posted by theora55 at 9:56 AM on November 19, 2006

There's always Preparation H.
posted by gramcracker at 9:58 AM on November 19, 2006

There's a good chance you have Clostridium difficile, which is a bacterial diarrhea that often follows antibiotic use. You pretty much have to see a doctor, as dietary changes are not going to stop the bacterial infection.

The anus problem is most likely an external hemorrhoid. The "external" part of the name just means that the hemorrhoid is in the lower 1/3 of the rectum, not that they actually have to be external to your body. The only thing to do about this is to take sitz baths and use an air donut. You need to avoid constipation and hard stools, so make sure that you don't cut out too much of your fiber. Also, don't use the over-the-counter hemorrhoid creams, since they can make healing take quite a bit longer.

Sorry not to give you better news.
posted by LittleMissCranky at 10:02 AM on November 19, 2006

I second the doctor, but because the symptoms you describe sound to me to be an anal fissure.
posted by WCityMike at 11:43 AM on November 19, 2006

Apply witch hazel to a cotton pad and wipe the affected area after you go to the bathroom. Also, increase your fiber and water intake. Increase the amount of exercise you get as well. Witch hazel, exercise, bran for breakfast, and double water cleared up my ass problems in 3 days. Good luck.
posted by crazycanuck at 11:50 AM on November 19, 2006

I had an anal fissure which was corrected surgically. Your symptoms sound like was miserable. The surgery was 100% successful. Most fissures will not heal on their own due to the sphincter preventing blood and other essential goodies from getting to the source of the problem.

Get thee to a doctor and then to a proctologist. Dr. Jelly Finger can be your friend.
posted by maxwelton at 1:17 PM on November 19, 2006

If it's infected, as it sounds like it may be, it could also be a perianal abscess. These aren't corrected with antibiotics; they need to be lanced. The appropriate way to deal with this is to see a doctor.
posted by ikkyu2 at 2:44 PM on November 19, 2006

Sounds like C. Diff is certainly a possibility, irrespective of whatever else is causing you pain (likely an irritated external hemorrhoid). You need to get a stool study run asap to check for C. Diff toxin. See your doctor.
posted by docpops at 3:55 PM on November 19, 2006

This doesn't address your immediate problem (I second all of the recommendations of "get thee to a doctor, fast!") but for future rounds of antibiotics, consider drinking acidophilus milk while you're on them. (Recommendation via my doctor).
posted by treepour at 5:57 PM on November 19, 2006

Squat, don't sit on the toilet.
posted by stereo at 6:35 PM on November 19, 2006

Well, I'm outting myself as the ass-pain sufferer after going to the doctor today. I figure that since I've had to repeat the symptoms about, I dunno, thirty-thousand times to everyone around me, I might as well tell the internet too.
The answer is that it's a skin abscess, so I've been prescribed another round of antibiotics (these ones are "skin antibiotics"), some vicodin, and told to take hot baths twice a day until the thing comes to a head and pops, at which point I have to shower and clean it out.

So, any advice on making this happen before I go on the road trip? Any ways to speed this up? The doctor just looked disgusted and was vague about what I could do, but said that since it was hard to reach she had no interest in lancing it.
posted by klangklangston at 9:45 AM on November 21, 2006

The doctor just looked disgusted and was vague about what I could do, but said that since it was hard to reach she had no interest in lancing it.
What an asshole of a doctor, no pun intended.
posted by scrump at 11:05 AM on November 22, 2006

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