3,2,1 Blastoff?
October 6, 2006 10:01 PM   Subscribe

Threesome. Should I or shouldn't I?

Here's the deal. I'm a single, sexually-active male in his early 20's not really looking to settle down anytime soon. I've met an extremely attractive woman in her late twenties and we've gone on one date so far, including some fooling around (bj in the restaurant bathroom, actually!). On this date she brought up her friend who she works out with at the gym, described as also in her late twenties and attractive. They are down for a threesome. Both women have had threesomes in the past and there don't seem to be any obvious strings attached.
I know this is supposedly every man's dream (2, single attractive women looking for a threesome), but for some reason I'm on the fence on this one. Thoughts? Suggestions? Helpful anecdotes?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (27 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite

You leave out a very important piece of information --
Why are you sitting on the fence?
Anyhow, if you are not interested in a long term relationship with either one of these girls go ahead and have some fun with them. So yes you should.
posted by bigmusic at 10:09 PM on October 6, 2006

I'm the last person you should be taking advice from, but...

It depends on why you're unsure. If it's just a "I know I'll have fun, I just need a little push" then get on the phone and call them now. You want to do it, so do it already :) You don't need assurance from a bunch of internet strangers.

But if you're hesitating because the idea makes you uncomfortable, then maybe you should pass. If you think it's something you'll regret, or it'll make the relationship more difficult, or you're simply not ready then there's no reason to push yourself.
posted by sbutler at 10:16 PM on October 6, 2006

Threesomes with folks whose details you know have a far greater safety factor, than with people you've just met. Any time you're in a room with semi-strangers that out number you, and things get out of hand, you're at a disadvantage. So, there's that. Think with the big head, more than with little one.

File a flight plan, even if not a detailed one, with a friend. Stay in touch with same by cell phone, every couple of hours, around the fun. Have some care as to location, if not yours. If it's your location, hide the expensive toys beforehand. Smile for the cameras. Don't involve money, drugs, excessive alcohol, or offers for same to help any process along. Supply your own rubbers. Say good-bye nicely, and don't plan to sleepover.

Lotsa luck. I'm not speaking from personal experience, of course. Far be it from me to judge.
posted by paulsc at 10:20 PM on October 6, 2006

Um, yeah, go ahead and do it.

I've been fortunate enough to have been involved in situations like these. As long as everyone's having fun, go for it.

In my experiences, the threesome thing has always been as a result of my dedicated relationship with my (now) wife initiating it.

No one's up in the sky keeping score, and if you're comfortable with the situation, do it. I'd only say, trust your inner gut feeling... if there's something creepy about it, then back out. Otherwise, do it. You only reget the things you don't do.

In my experience, it doesn't work out exactly like a porn movie.... it's better, because it's yours, always and forever yours. If you're comfortable with the people you're goping to be f*ing, then f* them, again, as long as everyone is comfortable and having a good time.

I'm an average joe, and I honestly think this isn't as rare as it seems to be.
posted by jeff-o-matic at 10:26 PM on October 6, 2006 [2 favorites]

Be off the fence before you actually do it. Because, you know, anxiety doesn't really help a sexual situation.

But I'm with jeff-o-matic: it's not that rare, and (aside from any sketchy situation paulsc is pondering, of course) it's the perfect scenario for you, assuming you're not looking for another guy in the mix instead. You're not emotionally committed to either woman, so there's no potential hurt feelings going on there. I dunno...all the anecdotes I could offer as warning involve some scenario/combination of people that you don't have in your situation.

I know this is supposedly every man's dream

Ah, dream schmeam. Don't try to build it up too much. If you like the idea, just go do it. Seems like a good situation, and sex is fun.
posted by Brak at 10:45 PM on October 6, 2006 [1 favorite]

I am a boring, 31 year old who is sitting home alone on a Friday night. Please have a threesome and have a wicked awsome time.
posted by Foam Pants at 11:11 PM on October 6, 2006 [3 favorites]

Do you have any plans for a future in politics? Or anything that will put you in the public spotlight at all, in business, entertainment, whatever?

Because something like that can seriously bite you in the ass. Just saying'.


Not Mark Foley
posted by potsmokinghippieoverlord at 11:26 PM on October 6, 2006

I agree with all of the above, through foam pants's comment.

Sometimes your lack of enthusiasm is instinct protecting you--it sounds a bit sudden. Why you? You're not established enough with woman 1 (she doesn't know what you're like in the sack)...

I dunno. Not enough information.

Assuming it's a genuine offer, some caveats:

Often one person gets jealous. Often someone feels neglected. Often all three parties fail to have the (libido-killing yet) crucial discussion of boundaries, birth control, etc. beforehand. Often it's one person's agenda being worked out through others.

If none of you is particularly attached to another, if you connect well with the second woman, if you can have a good three-way conversation, go ahead.

Decline if:
--you get a bad feeling
--anyone needs to be drunk to go through with it,
--the atmosphere is sadistic, competitive, anxious, or otherwise odd
--someone is being (disproportionately) exploited relative to the others.

If you're respectful, spontaneous, laid-back, and you don't try to make it all about you, you may discover that everybody wants to do it again--which is the real prize. (These things get better with practice.)
posted by Phred182 at 11:47 PM on October 6, 2006 [2 favorites]

The advice up above is really sensible. Pragmatic advice: spend some time hanging out, the three of you together, to find out whether you all click. It's called 'getting off the fence' - which is important - and it happens also be called foreplay, which is also important.

In a committed relationship such things can be complicated (or great); if you have no strings attached, as long as you trust the two of them, go for it! I suspect it'll only help your sexual health in the long run to lift expectations and stigma from imagining such activities. (And think of how goddamn great it'll be if this goes off well and you guys all really like each other!)

Remember: You're there all for one another - no one is an accessory. Relax, have some drinks (not too many!), remember it's a good time, expect nothing. Playing football (American or otherwise) is fun even if you're not passed the ball on every play; as loathsome as sports analogies are, threesomes work the same way. It's the pleasant version of 'all against all.' Don't be afraid to bail out if you're not down.

But get down for Christ's sake! The entire Internet is rooting for you.

(Nuts'n'bolts: several condoms, thanks. Safety first!)
posted by waxbanks at 12:13 AM on October 7, 2006

GAB, so's fornication outside of marriage.... so put me on the Sinnin' Bus. Stat.

OP, If you have a bad feeling about this for any reason, don't do it. It's been my experience that the reality really never lives up to the dream.

That said..... if you don't REALLY have an established relationship with this girl yet, I'd say do it. Some girls say they're into threesomes, but then feel neglected during the act. They think it reflects back on you (And sometimes it does), and then there goes a great relationship because you wanted to fuck another girl with your girlfriend.

So... while you're not TOO attached to this young lady just yet, you have my permission - as well as that of the Intarwebs - to fornicate with these young ladies. But only do it if you're going to do it right - don't go and puss out. Be a man. Be The Man the nerds look up to.

Then blog the whole thing and take pics for us. Srsly.
posted by damnjezebel at 1:35 AM on October 7, 2006

I would do this before the US really does pass laws making it officially immoral, illegal and sinful.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 1:51 AM on October 7, 2006

Go for it, but have a coffee somewhere before hand with the three of them and discuss boundaries and stuff.

The girl you're dating and like is the one who brought it up, and the two of them have done this before. This sounds like hands down the best case scenario for a fun threesome for you. Have fun!

potsmokinghippieoverlord: Politicians can sometimes get away with it as long as they don't try to deny it when accused. It's when they don't, and are married, that the trouble begins.^
posted by By The Grace of God at 2:35 AM on October 7, 2006

Having been there/done that I'll also say totally go for it, provided your gut tells you it'll be fun and there'll be no nasty after-effects (such as head-trips or the like).

Two caveats: To expand on what waxbanks said... You've gone on one date, but you haven't mentioned what you and she have talked about in regards to sexual histories, safety, and drug use (her, you, your/her recent partners). Has she been safe? Have her partners? Do you trust her? If you hesitate before answering, or answer no, then it's time to break out the condoms. (Bring a bunch.)
Now having said that, there's her friend who is basically a complete stranger. It's a bit like Russian Roulette, but with two guns. Also note that, sure condoms are good at protecting against AIDS, but Hepatitis C is spread via blood, and Hep B can be spread through both blood and bodily fluids. [Wiki link to Hepatitis] A friend of mine who works for AIDS Vancouver said that there are a LOT of cases of Hep out there, and it's increasing all the time, and many don't know if they've got it. The wiki article does say that 95% clear the infection, but how lucky do you want to try to be at pulling the trigger, ya know?
I'm not trying to be a cold shower here (I did tell you to go for it), I'm just saying that you should think of safety first, as you can't brag about it if you're dead.

Ok, second point. Women, if they're comfortable with the situation, can go on for ages, and they get the added bonus of multiple orgasms. Little trickier for males. Sure you can go for a while, but once you've came, you gotta wait for the recharge. Pace yourself. The last thing you want is Pokey to become Gumby at the 20 minute mark and have to watch, hoping that your batteries recharge in time for another go before the event's over, you dig?
posted by Zack_Replica at 4:36 AM on October 7, 2006

Never forget the Youth's words to live your life by: "Better to regret something you did do than regret something you didn't."
posted by Hogshead at 5:30 AM on October 7, 2006

it sounds to me like your hesitancy is due to not being in control of the situation - she's older, it's her friend who'll be #3, she suggested it, and you sound like you weren't expecting things in the bathroom to go that far - that's she's kinda the one taking charge.

sex can have weird power dynamics if either party plays a certain role. Some people specifically like sex to have weird power dynamics. If you're feeling pressured or sort of pulled along in a tide you didn't initiate, you may not find it as enjoyable, so i'd just second what was said above: if you decide to go for it, make sure you're choosing this actively as something you want.

a threesome isn't some magically different thing from a twosome. it's just sex with three people, so how much fun you have depends on the same factors as usual - everyone's comfortable, into it, paying attention to each other, etc.
posted by mdn at 5:40 AM on October 7, 2006

Zack_Replica writes "Has she been safe? Have her partners? Do you trust her? If you hesitate before answering, or answer no, then it's time to break out the condoms. "

Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, and wrong.

What you meant to say was:

Do you want to have sex with her? Has she been safe? Have her partners? Do you trust her? If you hesitate before answering, or answer no, then it's time to break out the condoms.

It's not about trust, it's not about 'how safe have you been'... use a condom. Every time. Until you're in a long-term monogamous (!) relationship, and have been multiply tested for everything under the sun, barrier forms of protection are required.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 5:56 AM on October 7, 2006

I agree that condoms are not optional. Nothing Zack mentioned can be prevented or cured by trust or "comfort"--and sexual history conversations are not designed to help you determine that you don't need a condom. That's like saying the briefing before a skydive is designed to help you determine you don't need a parachute.

Trust does make for better sex, however, so take your time building it.

Also to clarify my post above, I shouldn't have said "these things get better with practice." I meant familiarity, intimacy, trust, connection, all of which can grow with repeat encounters.

GAB, much respect, as ever, and I am a fan of your work. But shouldn't the words you chose--among the strongest available in English--be reserved for behavior that directly and unambiguously harms people, such as violence?
posted by Phred182 at 7:15 AM on October 7, 2006

Response by poster: OK, the biggest issue is the risk of STDs. Condoms aren't going to protect you from everything--you're pretty much bound to get HPV (but then everyone's eventually bound to get HPV, so I guess don't worry about that too much). But, y'know, if you see open weeping sores, maybe you should hold off.

That said, fucking go, man, go. Fuck, why aren't you gone yet?
posted by Anonymous at 7:46 AM on October 7, 2006

Ok. I, as is my way, must be slightly contrary to most of the advise above.

Threesomes, like sky diving and fist fighting, is one of those rights of passage things men SHOULD try. At least once.

Just to se how stupid, wierd, and over-hyped they really are.

Afterwards it's very likely you will go... "ooookaaaay... I just did that, now... what's on TV?"

Yes, you should do it. ONLY because it's the things we DON'T do in life we regret. But you should not expect it to be awesome.
posted by tkchrist at 10:23 AM on October 7, 2006

FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST GO FOR IT! Jesus, man, you owe us. We're all sitting out here going Hell Yeah! and wishing we could have a threesome with two fit hotties. Yarrrr.
posted by kookoobirdz at 10:55 AM on October 7, 2006

Jesus! It's everymans dream. I'll kick your ass if you don't go through with it.
posted by DieHipsterDie at 11:38 AM on October 7, 2006

OK, not to go against the fold... but I say don't do it. Given your description of the situation you have feelings for the girl you're seeing and when you're planning a threesome it should be for the fun of the adventure. when there are feelings involved it only leads to bad things. Trust me, I know from experience. When I was younger I was (i guess you would say) lucky enough to be dating a girl who was interested in a threesome. its not worth getting into details, but it ended up happening with one of her best friends. skip forward a few months and the girl and i had broken up and she and her best friend haven't spoken since. it's a slippery slope if you have emotional attachments. if you don't - go for it. it'll make a good story over beer.
posted by tundro at 12:02 PM on October 7, 2006

Sure, try it. I did it once and it was a hoot. I actually felt emotionally whacked the next day, like way dissociated, but that might have been because it was a late night - and there were other odd turns of event I won't get into. It was not intimate in the way I was accustomed to. Having more than 2 people around is a different dynamic. There were definitely moments of one person feeling left out, or another person feeling their boundaries were in jeopardy.

The main reason it happened in the first place had to do with one woman wanting to get into bed with the other. Somehow dragging her over to my house made it easier to accomplish, as if my role was to ensure the overall environment of heterosexuality. Keep in mind that it could be two women on you, or two women on each other while you try to get in on the action. I'd suggest you clarify beforehand if your ladyfriend wants to fuck you while this is going on, if her friend wants to fuck you, and if your ladyfriend is okay with you fucking her friend. Etc. You might not get out of it what you were expecting and could feel cheated or used or something, but you don't have a big emotional investment here, so your risk is low.

I say go for it. You're probably on the defensive because it's them coming to you with a proposal, but go along and see. I doubt you'll regret it, and you can always stop anything that's upsetting you. My only regret is losing the photos...
posted by scarabic at 1:55 PM on October 7, 2006

I've met an extremely attractive woman in her late twenties and we've gone on one date so far


Given your description of the situation you have feelings for the girl you're seeing

posted by scarabic at 1:57 PM on October 7, 2006

What does your gut say? Do that.
posted by w_boodle at 8:47 PM on October 7, 2006

Be safe and have fun.

I'm a bit paranoid about STDs though, so I have to say this: my worry would be, here's a woman who after one date is blowing you in the bathroom and offering a threesome. Fun, yes but you don't have enough trust built up yet to know she doesn't have genital herpes, warts, or that she'll know enough not to kiss (or blow) if she's got a cold sore. Also, if she's had a lot of sex with a lot of people, she's more likely to have an STD.

But as I said, I'm std-phobic and don't know the real likelihood of catching something.
posted by lorrer at 5:25 PM on October 16, 2006

Update please.
posted by exlotuseater at 12:26 AM on October 21, 2006

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