Help for the climactically disadvantaged?
August 16, 2006 4:54 AM   Subscribe

Help me attain the big O without…mechanical assistance. [NSFW]

Ever since I can remember (since my teen years,), I’ve only been able to achieve an orgasm with some kind of mechanical assistance. Yep, I started with the massaging showerhead, then went on to vibrators in college. I’ve had a lot of sex, though I’ve never had an orgasm during (and yes, I know, many women can’t from just penetrative sex), or from any other kind of human contact. I can’t even get myself off without the use of a vibrator.

It never bothered me much because hey, I can after all have one whenever I wish, under my own [battery] power--but the time has come that I’d really like to be able to have an orgasm with someone else. I figure that I should probably start with doing it myself, then I can show my [new] guy how to help me.

So, can you suggest ways I can wean myself off the vibe? I’d especially like to hear from any of those who have gone through a similar process and have been successful, but any ideas are welcome. I just don’t really know how to go about this. I’m 24, heterosexual, and female. I can be reached at
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (14 answers total) 6 users marked this as a favorite

I recommend Lonnie Barbach's book, "For Yourself: The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality."
posted by Carol Anne at 5:36 AM on August 16, 2006

A friend of mine uses a small vibrator that clips to her finger for supplementary stimulation while she's having penatrative sex with her partner. If you're not able to ever wean yourself off of a vibrator that might be a nice compromise, or it might be a step in the right direction.
posted by christinetheslp at 6:09 AM on August 16, 2006

I remember that Dr. Drew on Loveline said years back that the best way to do this is to replicate the experience (down to the position on the bed/whatever) but with the male present and gradually he'll take over using the vibrator and start working around that. Eventually, he said that the vibrator could disappear completely.

Of course, you may need help in that respect anyway, if it's not just a comfort/habit/control issue. But communication is the key to keep the frustration away. Most guys are happy to do what's needed to satisfy their partner, and won't view it as a failure on anyone's part as long as everyone's communicating. In Dr. Drew's words, "Guys are just happy you showed up."
posted by cowbellemoo at 6:44 AM on August 16, 2006

Personally I'd say you have to do it yourself. Many men (and I only know this from what I'm told) are awful at fingering, so at least if you can get yourself off without 'mechanical assistance' then you'll know whether your man/men are actually any good. So, yeah, what you say in your second paragraph sounds about right to me.

Regarding actual practical tips though.. I'm a man, so my comments end here ;-)
posted by wackybrit at 6:56 AM on August 16, 2006

Fantasies. Lots and lots of fantasies. If you have any kinks, indulge them. Find some stories online and print them out, if that's your thing.

I agree you need to figure this one out on your own first. (I also have never had anyone but me make me come, but maybe that's just me. )
Try relaxing, giving yourself a lot of time and thinking elaborately dirty thoughts. Spin out scenarios. As to actual technique, every woman is different and there are a lot of guides online to give you ideas.
It won't happen the first time, but get yourself increasingly excited each time before getting out your mechanical friend. Eventually, once you figure out your rhythm and leg position and such, it will happen.

And then, oh then, you'll never, ever go back to vibes. The big O is so very much better with your fingers. Vibes numb you and deliver what I think of as a "surface" orgasm. When you come digitally instead of mechanically (heh) it blows your mind and lasts much longer and you feel it over your whole body.
posted by poxuppit at 8:01 AM on August 16, 2006

It may just not be possible for you to orgasm without mechanical assistance--some women just can't. They need a certain intensity of stimulation (same as some men are unable to climax from, say, oral sex). Just start teaching the men (or women) in your life how you like it with battery power, while s/he is doing their thing as well.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 8:02 AM on August 16, 2006

Along the lines of the previous comment: I generally don't climax via oral sex (though I certainly enjoy it as much as the next fellow).

But I found, thanks to a porn friendly girlfriend, that being visually stimulated by an adult film made oral sex explosively pleasurable (if you'll excuse the overly apt term). The visual made my brain pay far less attention to the physical.

Porn may not be your thing, but perhaps you can find something that works for you. If you can change the situation somehow you might not need as much direct physical stimulation.

And if that fails just find yourself a guy who's into using your vibes with you! I can't imagine it'd be difficult.
posted by aladfar at 9:15 AM on August 16, 2006

You should probably quit vibrators cold turkey until you become adept. Since manual stimulation will obviously take you longer to get results you don't want the call of the energizer bunny interrupting your quest. Also use some lube because you don't want to be rubbing yourself raw from a long session. Probably silicone based would be the best because it won't get sticky like a glycerin lube, unless your allergic of course. I'm sending my girlfriend overseas some lube because she was sore after a recent video chat. It was her first time reaching orgasm from her own hand.

Try the coital alignment technique when your with your partner. You can probably find a better discription through Google.

Good luck and have fun.
posted by robofunk at 9:33 AM on August 16, 2006

And there is always the very excellent
posted by robofunk at 10:19 AM on August 16, 2006

Using vibrators exclusively can result in a certain amount of de-sensitising of the clitoris. I would suggest not using a vibrator at all for a while, and then using a lube.
posted by essexjan at 10:43 AM on August 16, 2006

I wonder if the idea that vibrators desensitize the clitoris is more myth than fact. I can't find one peer-reviewed study about the pudendal nerve getting damaged from vibrator use.

And if the nerves surrounding the clitoris are affected, isn't that only a temporary numbness or hypersensitivity not some sort of permanent damage?

Maybe our local neurologist can weigh in on that.

posted by dog food sugar at 11:54 AM on August 16, 2006

Patience. Lots of it.

I found the suggestions in the book Five Minutes to Orgasm Every Time You Make Love: Female Orgasm Made Simple by Claire D. Hutchins to be helpful. She has a kind of course of study to follow.

It is a myth that vibrators desensitise the clitoris. It's simply that that's what you're used to. And I'm pretty sure that it's also not possible that it's possible you can't reach orgasm without mechanical assistance.

And if your guy is willing to help with your self-teaching project, there's suggestions for that in the book, too. I highly suggest it, even if the title is pretty goofy. :-)
posted by INTPLibrarian at 1:07 PM on August 16, 2006

I Feel Myself is a (commercial) female-run site that documents the different ways women reach orgasm - it might teach you something.
posted by teleskiving at 11:32 AM on August 18, 2006

Not an ultimate answer, but as a bridge you can start using a vibrator during sex with your man. It could begin to break the ice if you just start having orgasms with him in the room, not to mention inside you. Whatever else is going on, you may have built up a strong mental association of only having orgasms while alone with your toy. I suspect there is also a lot of pure physical technique in your ultimate solution, but breaking down the mental associations can't hurt.
posted by scarabic at 6:43 PM on August 18, 2006

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