What is love?..

June 9, 2006 7:26 AM

This should be straightforward, but how do you know when you're attracted to someone?

I'm in my mid 20s. No major deformities or abnormalities. Shy, avoidant, slightly anxious and [what I suspect] clinically depressed. To be fair, I think I have a number of good qualities as well but they are not relevant to the discussion at hand. What's important is that I haven't had a relationship in about 3 years (although I've tried). Previously, my relationships developed thusly:
1. Meet a girl
2. Hang out with a girl for a period of time (months)
3. Start having feeling for the girl
4. Seek closer contact.

This scheme has failed more than it has succeeded. Sometime during my developmental years I've settled on a skewed perspective on love and relationships. I used to be adamant about hyper-strong feelings and the whole love at first sight thing. I'm a little hazy on how or why, but over the last 3 years I've only approached 2 ladies. I've pondered whether I'm gay for a bit (and in fact still am pondering) but I'm running into the same problem - I'm basically not attracted to any guys either.

I'm not antisocial, I don't think. I have great friends and enjoy their company. Is my libido severely out of whack, is this a medical thing^*? Have I trained myself to ignore signals that are below certain threshold? Am I destined to a life of loneliness and abstinence?

So, how do you know when you're attracted to someone?


^*: Sex is great whenever I can get some and has been exclusively with ladies. I haven't had any problems with that, just that most of my partners have initiated the festivities. I would have kept on walking.

posted by aeighty to Human Relations (21 answers total)

Clinical depression can just about completely explain lack of interest in relationships. I'd recommend getting screened and possibly treated for that first.
posted by Miko at 7:41 AM on June 9, 2006

Why would you wonder whether you're gay if you're not attracted to any guys?

Not a snark. As someone whose attractions have always been automatic and powerful, even when confusing or inappropriate, I just thought that seems counter-intuitive.

Sounds to me like a problem you should definitely explore with a therapist. You're missing something and you don't know exactly what or why, so trying to solve this problem alone from the inside out may be a big waste of time.
posted by hermitosis at 7:42 AM on June 9, 2006

I'm not kidding about this...

Is it possible you have chronically low testosterone. One of the reasons that men are aggressive physically, sexual, socially, fearless, and full of energy is the T. It's all about the T.

If you are a relatively sedentary person, two things to do to test this theory - and try this for two weeks... you'll know by then...

1. religiously do 3 sets of push-ups and 3 sets of slow deep squats, as many as you can each set, 1 minute rest between sets, as soon as you get up and right before bed.

2. Get some ZMA - Zinc, Magnesium supplement - take it as directed - t-nation has a good cheap one.

Testosterone responds to exercise in both men and women, and T production is enhanced by zinc and magnesium...

Maybe you have a problem ignoring yourself, but maybe that's easier because your body is "sleeping" standing up...

It's like being hungry. How do you know when you are hungry? Would it be harder to tell if you laid in bed all day, every day, for years? Would you notice you were hungry if you started running 10 miles a day?
posted by ewkpates at 7:44 AM on June 9, 2006

I think the only reason you think you are gay is because things aren't working out with the ladies right. Natural for some people..."if things aren't working out over here, let me see what's happening over there."

I would suggest you exercise everyday. If you don't smoke, take up running. Lift weights 3 times a week. Eat healthier. Oh, and stop masturbating, if you do. That will get your sexual drive in gear.

You will start feeling attracted to more people.

As a side note, how attracted I am to other people seems directly proportional to how I feel about myself. If I am hating on myself, I am only attracted to people in that "they're beautiful but they won't go for me" way. If I'm loving myself, I find myself attracted to a lot of people. So, it might help on work on how you feel about you. Exericise and diet help enormously with that too.

(Note all of this is coming from a person with lifelong depression, trouble being attracted to people etc.)
posted by milarepa at 8:03 AM on June 9, 2006 [2 favorites]

As a side note, how attracted I am to other people seems directly proportional to how I feel about myself. If I am hating on myself, I am only attracted to people in that "they're beautiful but they won't go for me" way. If I'm loving myself, I find myself attracted to a lot of people. So, it might help on work on how you feel about you.

Needs repeating numerous times.
posted by drpynchon at 8:08 AM on June 9, 2006

When I was 24 and single, and non-onanistic, my hormones would send me looking for the ladies ever eight days or so. When I got depressed I barely felt anything when making out.
posted by craniac at 8:12 AM on June 9, 2006

You sound a lot like me at that age, as far as attitude and the way that you approach women. So let me second the suggestion that you talk to a therapist regarding possible depression-- I drifted along that way for many years, and it's not something you want to do. With a little work you can get past it.

The get-to-be-friends-first approach has its benefits when you're not a really assertive guy. But it is very hit and miss, because women tend to assume you're not interested in a relationship with them and just want to be friends. If you want a relationship it is better to be a little more direct.
posted by InfidelZombie at 8:12 AM on June 9, 2006

Depression can wipe your libido completely. I've had experience with that. I was depressed most of my teenage years, and I wasn't sexual at all until I was almost 22 years old. Then my mood changed, and I started glutting myself.

You should really look into getting your depression treated--if you are depressed. But note also that many antidepressants--should you decide to get pharmaceutical help--can also repress or diminish your sex drive, sometimes severely. Most people respond differently to different drugs, so it may be a matter of trying them out and seeing what happens. You won't see a change overnight.

Not having a strong sex drive is NOT a sign that you're gay. Wanting to have sex with men is.
posted by fugitivefromchaingang at 8:12 AM on June 9, 2006

Usually, I'm all about the psych101 answers, but in this case, I wonder if maybe you are just picky? I dunno, I think that there is just a pretty small percentage of the population that I'm attracted to. And so finding attractive people gets even more difficult as I get older and am not constantly exposed to them (in an academic setting for example). I've pretty much decided to relax about the whole thing. Putting pressure on myself just makes it worse.
posted by unknowncommand at 8:24 AM on June 9, 2006

I used to be adamant about hyper-strong feelings and the whole love at first sight thing.

I think that only works for so long. In your late teens and early 20s, everything feels pretty intense, and you're going to notice in your mid- to late-20s that it's just not like that so much anymore. I think that's a healthy part of becoming an adult, because one becomes less prone to incite drama just for the high, but it feels muffled and strange for a few years there.

Also, I think the long hangout stops working. The time comes when you need to stop just sort of flopping around hoping that someone else will do all the work, and you need to start stepping up and making an effort to connect with people you find interesting. And nothing more may come of it than you spending a few minutes or an hour having coffee with someone, but that's okay. Getting to know lots of people is useful and fun.

But the depression needs attention, as well. All that propaganda about confidence being sexy is true, and confidence is about feeling good and being interested in your world, and you sound a little meh on that side. Take care of yourself and I think you'll find some of that motivation returning.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:27 AM on June 9, 2006

I had this problem when I was in my mid-twenties. Part of the problem for me was that I was mostly attracted to women that showed some signs of interest in me, but had no idea how to turn that into anything. Instead, I would spend a few weeks or months deciding how it was going to work out, which led to some great friendships, but rarely much more. I started to understand that by the time I decided I wanted to pursue something intimate, these women had totally written me off for anything more and whatever interest they once felt had solidified into something different.

I can't say that the same is happening to you, or that I wasn't depressed, or just introverted, who knows. But, it did get better slowly once I began to understand the pattern and could do little things to begin changing it.
posted by mrmojoflying at 8:32 AM on June 9, 2006

I have a number of good qualities
4. Seek closer contact.
Is my libido severely out of whack, is this a medical thing*?
[what I suspect] clinically depressed
Sounds like you may be needing to get yourself checked out 'just in case'. Your situation is not unusual though. 3 years is a long time between drinks, but it happens.
posted by tellurian at 8:44 AM on June 9, 2006

You might want to consider whether you feel you fit in with asexuality. It might be nice to think of this as just a way of being rather than a problem, medical or otherwise.
posted by nevers at 9:13 AM on June 9, 2006

My husband fit the profile you're describing when I met him. When I first approached him and told him that I was interested in him, he told me that it was impossible because he was asexual.

Anyway, things between us worked out fine, due mostly to my unending stubbornness. He never would have pursued me because he just wasn't operating on that wavelength, but once he opened himself up to the idea of dating me everything worked out fine.

My advice would be to relax. Dating can be stressful and you're not really missing out on much. Leave yourself open to the idea that the right person won't let herself get away and don't worry about it.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 9:31 AM on June 9, 2006

You sound introverted. There's nothing wrong with that.

Introverts socialize better in the context of 'doing things'. Do you have a hobby or talent? Find a way to meet other people who share your hobby or would appreciate your talent.

Failing that, go out and drink heavily and regularly :)
posted by empath at 10:01 AM on June 9, 2006 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: To answer some questions:

1. "Why gay?" - I dont like women, I dont like sheep, that leaves men. milarepa is bang on with his/her suggestion.

2. Exercise - I do a reasonable amount of. About 9 hours a week of very intense training - martial arts. I think the only reason I am still sane is because of that, my life changed for the better when I started exercising.

3. I dont think I'm picky. I think one of the problems that I have is balancing possible outcome vs effort required. Having to ask someone out, get rejected etc, seems to be not worth it, except in the most extreme of cases.

4. nevers, I dont think so. I'm anything but asexual. I like sex, I'm just a little uncomfortable around people.

4.1 craniac, "non-onanistic" - that'll be tough. I'll give it a go.

5. grapefruitmoon, I've been relaxing all my life :) I've learned that if no effort = no result. Thanks for your story.

I guess I'm going to check out therapy options. This is a rare moment when I feel that I'm worthy and capable. I must capitalize on that.
posted by aeighty at 10:43 AM on June 9, 2006

I think the straight answer to your question is that attraction is a gut thing. If you were attracted, you'd know. You'd admire their appearance. You'd desire their company. You'd smile when you think about them.

That said, the hardest thing about being depressed is...getting off the couch. Not being attracted to anyone, and thinking you are depressed are major symptoms of....being depressed.

You are absolutely right that when you are feeling strong is the right time to take action. So yes, as above, seek help. And here is a little push in the right direction (as every task can seem overwhelming when you are depressed.) Psychology Today has a find-a-therapist service which includes your part of Canada. Call and make an appointment.

Meanwhile, some comfort and some pretty immediate help.

If you consider taking SSRI antdepressants you will hear that "low sex drive" is a side effect. If this is a low sex drive, I'll take it. It's much higher than when I am depressed - and I started feeling attracted to men (in my case) pretty immediately. Even if I wasn't ready to act on anything, the feeling alone was very encouraging.

A great book, written in a way to be managable to read even when depressed is How to Heal Depression. It may be a revelation for you, and its written in very plain English and short sections. Best of luck to you.
posted by AuntLisa at 11:49 AM on June 9, 2006

Shy, avoidant, slightly anxious and [what I suspect] clinically depressed

To some degree, I've struggled with each of these conditions, but I was always deeply interested in finding relationships with women and that was an important motivator in getting better.

However, the advice is the same. Definately get your testosterone levels checked. I understand that low testosterone levels can be a sign of a greater problem, so this is really important. I'm not sure I agree with the less masturbation advice. Guilt-free masturbation might help resolve this whole "Am I gay, straight, bi or asexual?" deal. If chronic masturbation/addiction was a problem, I suspect that sex preference wouldn't be as much of a question. But, I Am Not An... Anything. If mastubation sounds like a waste of time, then maybe you're asexual, but you should get those T-levels checked and rule out any other physiological problems before making up your mind for good. It sounds like you used to have an interest in relationships. What happened?

My big epiphany was when I realized that my mood directly correlated with diet and (cardio) exercise. When I'm taking care of myself and I slack off with my health, I can feel it right away.

Another big epiphany was that confidence comes from doing. No amount of psyching yourself up builds confidence. You just have to throw yourself into awkward situations like you would rip off a bandaid. (See this thread.) Restated: If something is hard for you to do, then tell yourself that that's a sign that it's definately something you need do. That's how you kill the avoidance. That's something of an oversimplification, since there is the trick of knowing what you're avoiding because of anxiety and what you're avoiding because there is no interest or benefit for you. I suspect that these lines will become more clear with experience. That is to say, go volunteer, join a hobby group, play a sport, become an activist, ride Critical Mass or whatnot. Just become involved in something that you're interested in where you'll meet diverse but likeminded people. Systematically push your boundaries.

Therapy and group therapy has also been very useful for me. It's important to have a compatible, likeminded therapist. For instance, I told my therapists right away that didn't want to use any meds. However, everyone has to follow their own path and some people really benefit from medication. If you don't like the first therapist you find, ask them to work with you to find a new one. There are quite a few organizations that provide sliding scale access to mental health resources if it's not covered by your health insurance. Check out your local YWCA (it's not just for women and it's not religious) or do a google search for your city.
posted by Skwirl at 12:26 PM on June 9, 2006 [2 favorites]

When you say you're not attracted, do you mean physically, emotionally, or both? My non-doctorate opinion would be that if you're not attracted to anybody, on any level, you might want to talk to a professional.

Physical attraction is pretty rudimentary. You see someone and think, "damn, I gotta get me some o' that."

Emotional attraction is more ephemeral, and probably more in line with the large type at the top of the page. You find yourself thinking of someone, wanting to be near that person, talking, laughing, being.

Your question reads as if you're expecting the emotional attraction before the physical attraction. It doesn't always work out that way, and if you're waiting to find "the one" you may have a bit of a wait. I'm attracted, physically, to people every day. Attractions to people in an emotional sense are considerably more rare for me, and most of my close emotional bonds have developed as a result of physical attraction.
posted by lekvar at 3:06 PM on June 9, 2006

Meh. I did a lot of talking without directly answering the main question: "how do you know when you're attracted to someone?"

I think for most people it is straightforward, borderline subconscious. I think that's why a lot of people are suspecting that depression is interfering with natural processes. I personally don't believe that attraction has to be 100% enslaved to the subconscious, though.

Here's a (kinda condescending) piece of advice that I once overheard that I implement in my own life: "I smile at all the ladies. I smile at the unattractive ones because it makes them feel better. I smile at the attractive ones because it makes me feel better." If you smile at a woman and they smile back and that makes you feel something (for me, I feel it in my chest), then that's the feeling of attraction. Just smile at everyone. It's a really good habit no matter what.
posted by Skwirl at 3:56 PM on June 9, 2006

Yeah, smiling at all the ladies is a good idea. At least it makes people think you're friendly.

As for how you know you're attracted to somebody: for me, it usually happens after the first couple of times I have a good conversation with someone. I mean, I know right away whether or not I'm physically attracted to somebody (although that can change over time), but as for whether I want to date them, it takes a little while, although not as long as you're describing.

In fact, I used to be like you to a large degree. I'd meet a girl, start to enjoy her company in a friendly way, and then months later, decide that I wanted to go out with her, at which point it was usually too late. Since then I've started being more direct with girls, which has worked out pretty well.

What I realized is that when you first start hanging out with the girl, if you enjoy her company, she makes you laugh, and you think you might like to hang out with her for the next few months to get to know her, that is the first sign of attraction.
posted by number9dream at 6:18 PM on June 9, 2006