Have I been a bad friend ? # BOUNDARIES
March 14, 2025 12:22 PM Subscribe
Hi everyone, I have relocated to a different country in the last two years.
I am also not working since relocation , and live near a smallish town . As a result I have only one friend / person i have become close to , thus far.
She has been very helpful in many ways especially as i am adjusting to a new country , finding my way around etc.
Around 2 months ago , her hubby had asked my hubby , if we could take some items in boxes cross country for her , in my hubby's truck .
As I have studied uni abroad , we were often asked to carry parcels by both family , family friends and fellow students.
My parents were very particular in examining these parcels/ envelopes / etc thoroughly before packing them into our luggage...which was a bit embarrassing for me at times , as a naive and young student .
However , as I got older I understood the necessity of this practise .
Our truck would have travelled through two countries before reaching/ dropping off her boxes.The usual road / transport / cargo laws apply here , but in addition , there are many minor laws here that do not exist in other countries , and police corruption runs deep as well.
As a result , we run a very tight ship with transport regarding what we transport, as well as our documentation etc.
EVEN if all that did not exist , I have been taught to never carry a parcel or anything cross country / out of country without checking it first.
I phoned my friend and told her that , we did not mind carrying the boxes , however I would like to first check what is inside them( with her being there while i did so ) before we load them onto the truck.
She was quite offended ,and said she would not do anything underhanded , and she was a trustworthy person etc.
I then explained to her , that this is how I've always done it , even for friends I've known since school days and it's not a personal attack on her character .
I also said that she would be there while I went through the boxes , and then re sealed them in front of her.
She then stated that they were all neatly packed and sealed already, sent me a pic of said boxes ,said that it was her aunts stuff and she did not want to invade her aunts privacy etc.
She kept repeating that this aunt was in an abusive marriage , left her hubby and that she was trying to help her aunt etc.
I told her again , I have absolutely no objection to taking said boxes ( they were around 5 med sized boxes ).
She then said she had planned on sending her sons , and they would not know how to repack them.
I said I will repack them for her , with her sons being present .
In the end , she said she will make alternative arrangements.
She also said that she had them scanned before they were sent to her from her aunts country ( which hubby says in untrue as he travels there and their scanners dont work )
Since then she had gone no contact , except to forward some message from another person to me.
I messaged her (the usual greetings etc twice ) but she responded very formally to me....and has now stopped contact completely.
I used to be a people pleaser , something I struggle with to this day .I have improved alot , left an abusive marriage myself over 4 years ago , and struggle with self esteem but am working on it.
I have improved alot , however as much as I've improved on boundary settings , I dont know if I was the A**hole here ?
Did i offend someone who has done so much for me because I was too idk...strict with my rule ?
I keep telling myself , I do not want anyone in my life who does not want me in theirs , or cannot respect my boundaries.
However that doesn't mean that I was not wrong , and / or been the bad friend here .
Any advice , or if I am wrong , any outside input would be most appreciated. Thank you
She has been very helpful in many ways especially as i am adjusting to a new country , finding my way around etc.
Around 2 months ago , her hubby had asked my hubby , if we could take some items in boxes cross country for her , in my hubby's truck .
As I have studied uni abroad , we were often asked to carry parcels by both family , family friends and fellow students.
My parents were very particular in examining these parcels/ envelopes / etc thoroughly before packing them into our luggage...which was a bit embarrassing for me at times , as a naive and young student .
However , as I got older I understood the necessity of this practise .
Our truck would have travelled through two countries before reaching/ dropping off her boxes.The usual road / transport / cargo laws apply here , but in addition , there are many minor laws here that do not exist in other countries , and police corruption runs deep as well.
As a result , we run a very tight ship with transport regarding what we transport, as well as our documentation etc.
EVEN if all that did not exist , I have been taught to never carry a parcel or anything cross country / out of country without checking it first.
I phoned my friend and told her that , we did not mind carrying the boxes , however I would like to first check what is inside them( with her being there while i did so ) before we load them onto the truck.
She was quite offended ,and said she would not do anything underhanded , and she was a trustworthy person etc.
I then explained to her , that this is how I've always done it , even for friends I've known since school days and it's not a personal attack on her character .
I also said that she would be there while I went through the boxes , and then re sealed them in front of her.
She then stated that they were all neatly packed and sealed already, sent me a pic of said boxes ,said that it was her aunts stuff and she did not want to invade her aunts privacy etc.
She kept repeating that this aunt was in an abusive marriage , left her hubby and that she was trying to help her aunt etc.
I told her again , I have absolutely no objection to taking said boxes ( they were around 5 med sized boxes ).
She then said she had planned on sending her sons , and they would not know how to repack them.
I said I will repack them for her , with her sons being present .
In the end , she said she will make alternative arrangements.
She also said that she had them scanned before they were sent to her from her aunts country ( which hubby says in untrue as he travels there and their scanners dont work )
Since then she had gone no contact , except to forward some message from another person to me.
I messaged her (the usual greetings etc twice ) but she responded very formally to me....and has now stopped contact completely.
I used to be a people pleaser , something I struggle with to this day .I have improved alot , left an abusive marriage myself over 4 years ago , and struggle with self esteem but am working on it.
I have improved alot , however as much as I've improved on boundary settings , I dont know if I was the A**hole here ?
Did i offend someone who has done so much for me because I was too idk...strict with my rule ?
I keep telling myself , I do not want anyone in my life who does not want me in theirs , or cannot respect my boundaries.
However that doesn't mean that I was not wrong , and / or been the bad friend here .
Any advice , or if I am wrong , any outside input would be most appreciated. Thank you
Best answer: There could be cultural things here that I am not aware of, for sure, and those could affect the interpretation and context of either of your behavior. But for me personally, I think what you were asking was extremely reasonable and I find it suspicious that the person has reacted the way that they did.
In general, if I explain to someone something along the lines of "I have concern X and I would like to do Y about it," then I am open to other options that address concern X. If someone has a problem with solution Y but they want to suggest another solution that addresses concern X, then I am willing to work with them. Quite a few times, I have noticed after the fact that someone who was unwilling to respect my concern or find a solution we could agree on, and instead wanted me to simply abandon my concern, was being manipulative or otherwise acting against my best interest. Putting me in danger.
Perhaps, culturally, there were different ways that this should have been gone about. I'm not neurotypical so I often have something like 'culture' clashes with neurotypical people who want to hint around things and I can't read those hints so I need to be direct and clear and by missing their hints or refusing to communicate through hints, I come off rude.
But, yeah, their behavior around this seems very suspicious to me and I am inclined to think that by sticking to your guns you saved yourself from having a BIG problem.
posted by fennario at 12:40 PM on March 14 [24 favorites]
In general, if I explain to someone something along the lines of "I have concern X and I would like to do Y about it," then I am open to other options that address concern X. If someone has a problem with solution Y but they want to suggest another solution that addresses concern X, then I am willing to work with them. Quite a few times, I have noticed after the fact that someone who was unwilling to respect my concern or find a solution we could agree on, and instead wanted me to simply abandon my concern, was being manipulative or otherwise acting against my best interest. Putting me in danger.
Perhaps, culturally, there were different ways that this should have been gone about. I'm not neurotypical so I often have something like 'culture' clashes with neurotypical people who want to hint around things and I can't read those hints so I need to be direct and clear and by missing their hints or refusing to communicate through hints, I come off rude.
But, yeah, their behavior around this seems very suspicious to me and I am inclined to think that by sticking to your guns you saved yourself from having a BIG problem.
posted by fennario at 12:40 PM on March 14 [24 favorites]
I dunno, if a friend asked me this I would be a little offended and annoyed if I'd already packed the stuff, but I could not help but see that their reasoning was pretty sound - if a friend was driving packages of mine through two sets of customs and there was a known possibility of a police stop from corrupt cops, I would not blame them for wanting to be 100% sure what was inside. That's exactly the kind of situation which could go pretty bad pretty quick if there were something your friend didn't worry about but that customs did.
I mean, sometimes in a friendship you have to say or be told something you don't like, and it can take conscious work to internalize that this is okay and just something that happens sometimes.
It's unfortunate, but it would have been a lot MORE unfortunate if your friend's aunt had thoughtlessly packed something that landed you in detention or otherwise in trouble.
posted by Frowner at 12:42 PM on March 14 [16 favorites]
I mean, sometimes in a friendship you have to say or be told something you don't like, and it can take conscious work to internalize that this is okay and just something that happens sometimes.
It's unfortunate, but it would have been a lot MORE unfortunate if your friend's aunt had thoughtlessly packed something that landed you in detention or otherwise in trouble.
posted by Frowner at 12:42 PM on March 14 [16 favorites]
Best answer: Your boundary issues about this situation are well-founded, and your response was reasonable.
Your friend is trying to use your friendship as a lever to do this. It doesn't matter whether or not she was trying to smuggle contraband.
You are being responsible. You are not an asshole.
posted by mule98J at 12:53 PM on March 14 [9 favorites]
Your friend is trying to use your friendship as a lever to do this. It doesn't matter whether or not she was trying to smuggle contraband.
You are being responsible. You are not an asshole.
posted by mule98J at 12:53 PM on March 14 [9 favorites]
Best answer: Nope, you were entirely reasonable and your friend was way out of line and probably knows it. Even a commercial courier will not take materials without knowing what they are, for good reason.
I am regularly in similar situations and I always say “sure, I can take your stuff but it needs to be delivered to me in open boxes so that I can attest to the contents when I go through customs.” If they say the boxes are already packed, then I tell them to unpack them. If they don’t like those terms, they can make alternate arrangements.
The only mistake you made, if any, was in being apologetic about a very reasonable requirement. You are her friend, sure, but she is also yours, and she was wrong to try to put you at risk and then guilt-trip you about it.
posted by rpfields at 1:14 PM on March 14 [5 favorites]
I am regularly in similar situations and I always say “sure, I can take your stuff but it needs to be delivered to me in open boxes so that I can attest to the contents when I go through customs.” If they say the boxes are already packed, then I tell them to unpack them. If they don’t like those terms, they can make alternate arrangements.
The only mistake you made, if any, was in being apologetic about a very reasonable requirement. You are her friend, sure, but she is also yours, and she was wrong to try to put you at risk and then guilt-trip you about it.
posted by rpfields at 1:14 PM on March 14 [5 favorites]
not only is your choice the smart answer, but you also offered alternative solutions, which your friend shot down. you are definitely not the asshole here.
posted by supermedusa at 1:16 PM on March 14 [7 favorites]
posted by supermedusa at 1:16 PM on March 14 [7 favorites]
Best answer: I think your position was very reasonable and your friend should have understood. That they reacted the way they did says something about them, not you.
I've carried stuff for other people and had people carry stuff for me and A) no one is sending sealed boxes of stuff to begin with and B) no one should be put out by the person carrying it requesting to know what exactly they're carrying.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 1:21 PM on March 14 [5 favorites]
I've carried stuff for other people and had people carry stuff for me and A) no one is sending sealed boxes of stuff to begin with and B) no one should be put out by the person carrying it requesting to know what exactly they're carrying.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 1:21 PM on March 14 [5 favorites]
Best answer: My simple reading is that your friend was trying to use you to smuggle illegal goods. She pretended to be offended when you told her you needed to go through the parcels, hoping she could pressure you to take the contraband. She refused your offer to repack them in the presence of her son because she knew that you would find something that cannot legally be carried across borders. She has gone silent because she no longer has any use for you. She was not really your friend.
You did nothing wrong, and you avoided a situation that could have gone very wrong indeed.
posted by Winnie the Proust at 1:22 PM on March 14 [18 favorites]
You did nothing wrong, and you avoided a situation that could have gone very wrong indeed.
posted by Winnie the Proust at 1:22 PM on March 14 [18 favorites]
Yeah, would never take something sealed across a customs border. Immediate red flag for customs, and jail time for you if there is something bad in there. And you have only been friends for less than 2 years? No way are you being the bad guy here.
posted by Windopaene at 1:37 PM on March 14 [5 favorites]
posted by Windopaene at 1:37 PM on March 14 [5 favorites]
Even if you weren't right about the specifics (which you are), when you're doing a big favor for someone you get to dictate the terms.
posted by Ragged Richard at 1:47 PM on March 14 [4 favorites]
posted by Ragged Richard at 1:47 PM on March 14 [4 favorites]
Friends do not put other friends at risk.
This person asked you to do something risky. It doesn't matter if the package had controlled substances or toilet paper. It doesn't matter if she has other people who are comfortable taking more risks. You aren't interested in taking risks and as your friend, she shouldn't be asking you to.
posted by brookeb at 1:48 PM on March 14 [7 favorites]
This person asked you to do something risky. It doesn't matter if the package had controlled substances or toilet paper. It doesn't matter if she has other people who are comfortable taking more risks. You aren't interested in taking risks and as your friend, she shouldn't be asking you to.
posted by brookeb at 1:48 PM on March 14 [7 favorites]
Your friend might be all mad that you don't trust her, but she *also* doesn't know what's in the boxes.
So either she's lying and the boxes are not full of innocuous legal things or she's pissed off at you because you don't trust the judgement of her aunt that you have never met. (As well, potentially as the honesty of every airport employee, customs official and delivery driver who had access to these boxes between when her aunt sent them and she received them but it isn't clear whether she carried the boxes back as her own luggage.)
posted by jacquilynne at 2:29 PM on March 14 [5 favorites]
So either she's lying and the boxes are not full of innocuous legal things or she's pissed off at you because you don't trust the judgement of her aunt that you have never met. (As well, potentially as the honesty of every airport employee, customs official and delivery driver who had access to these boxes between when her aunt sent them and she received them but it isn't clear whether she carried the boxes back as her own luggage.)
posted by jacquilynne at 2:29 PM on March 14 [5 favorites]
Best answer: Her insistence, the piling on of reason after reason why she couldn't possibly let you review the contents of the boxes, makes this feel pretty suspicious. You did well to stick to your standard process.
Most people hate to feel like their motives or character is being called into questioned, but their discomfort does not entitle them to other people not asking questions, nor does it mean that there isn't a good reason for doing so.
Another way to look at this is that if someone's not being a good friend here it would be the person who is giving you the silent treatment or breaking off a friendship rather than acknowledge the validity of your position.
posted by wormtales at 2:36 PM on March 14 [12 favorites]
Most people hate to feel like their motives or character is being called into questioned, but their discomfort does not entitle them to other people not asking questions, nor does it mean that there isn't a good reason for doing so.
Another way to look at this is that if someone's not being a good friend here it would be the person who is giving you the silent treatment or breaking off a friendship rather than acknowledge the validity of your position.
posted by wormtales at 2:36 PM on March 14 [12 favorites]
She could have asked many of her local friends to do this, yet she asked you, who is relatively new there, to take this on. So automatically fishy out of the gate. You had every right to say no.
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 2:59 PM on March 14 [8 favorites]
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 2:59 PM on March 14 [8 favorites]
Agree with everyone, you absolutely should protect yourself and your request was reasonable. Does your friend know about your abusive relationship?
posted by table of malcontents at 3:18 PM on March 14
posted by table of malcontents at 3:18 PM on March 14
I will be an alternate take. not in opposition, just .. i guess to problematize the way these sorts of questions go on the internet: I propose we do not know enough to know "if you are the asshole" - but the reason i propose this is not at all personal to OP, for, indeed OP may not be the asshole.. (although, certainly we are all sometimes a bit of an asshole at times, invariably, and probably need to accept that) : my perennial take on these sorts of things is that they are VERY context specific.
so, shrug emoji - on the face of it, from our very far and partially informed remove, your request does not seem unreasonable.. and her response seems suss. my comment here is not a vote of "oh yeah take the mystery boxes!" lol..
BUT my comment is to say this: the truth is that it all depends a lot on the tone of the exchanges you had about it.. also on what sort of shape things were in between you when this favor was asked.. though you probably are not at all the asshole, I've known plenty of folks to ask very reasonable things in very demanding ways, and some to ask them in very nice ways - so.. like.. were you able to chat about this actually in real time with her? what has her or your texting or talking tone like? hers? are you or she very curt and formal when you feel bad about having to say "no" and thus your boundary feels to another like a big ole iron wall because there's so many emotions in there that have to with the entire rest of your life beyond the current moment? Like.. tone matters .. a LOT. we all have a lot to learn about communicating carefully when we feel hurt.. or let down, and about speaking up for our own needs. we don't really know what the vibes are here, unless i'm forgetting something I read.
we are just so many of us kind of school kids, when it comes to the the process of learning how difficulty or conflict between friends can be an opportunity to make a relationship stronger, if addressed, at best, or one's self stronger, if faced, rather than an imperative to throw up one's hands and flee into the night the moment the going gets less than easy breezy friendship-y..
if you're spidey sense says "someones trying to get me to smuggle things across borders" then, that's what it says and you should listen. I just have a strong intuition that this could be, as so many interpersonal matters often are, probably/possibly not just about boxes...
I say all these things not to YOU individually, at all, OP, but just kind of as a shout into the void.. we are always assuming the we, ourselves, are reliable narrators, and that everyone we read is a reliable narrator, just like us.. and while your version of your own experience with this is very valid... with this sort of "am i the asshole" post we simply never know the gestalt of the situation if it's asked on a text based advice style forum like here or reddit.. THEN add in a dash of this tendency we out here all have to project OURSELVES onto any given narrators situation and often - and i don't know why this is - another dash of "meh, friendship, whatever, not that important as adults, what do people expect" energy that I notice people having a lot, much to our detriment as a species.. well, idk. it's just a moment i'm having... i'm sorry it coincided with your post when it's really about the zeitgeist more than your ask..
I just think we all tend to get a little unscientific and quick to close the book on these "am i the asshole posts." I think culturally - and perhaps this is US-specific so forgive my myopia there - culturally there's this strange weaponizing of psychological theory in which we hear a lot about toxic people, narcissists, etc.. and yes - these people exist ! however if they exist as often as they are talked about by the various algorithms we're all prey to, well.. wouldn't that make.. way too many people the asshole to be.. ontologically possible?
So.. you def don't owe us further explanation, I think you should listen to your gut in terms of box-transport-decisions, above and beyond any internet stranger's opinion.. it's just that I'm shamelessly taking your ask as a chance to chime in with this philosophical musing that is so often in my head and heart about our time and how we deal, or, don't wanna deal, with relational difficulty. I'm certain there are many assholes in the world. I'm also certain that there can't be as many assholes out there as it seems - like cut, dried, certain, capital A asshole.. and I'm certain that most asshole-ish folks i've encountered live sometimes their whole lives not seeing our/their own roles in things too clearly.. and i'm also certain that many of us have been raised to avoid conflict and authentic communication like it's the plague.. which is not our fault but is our responsibility to change..
and that equates in my mind to everything needing a huge amount of context, because there's that skill (or.. lack of skill in this area) bias that lately I can't help but wonder about in really most of the stuff like this i read on the interwebs.
Well, if anyone got this far, thanks for reading... if you think i need another hobby besides commenting at this length on an ask, you are probably right about that! : P
very sincerely - good luck, with both the journey and the friendship sorting out, and safe travels to you, OP.
posted by elgee at 3:30 PM on March 14 [7 favorites]
so, shrug emoji - on the face of it, from our very far and partially informed remove, your request does not seem unreasonable.. and her response seems suss. my comment here is not a vote of "oh yeah take the mystery boxes!" lol..
BUT my comment is to say this: the truth is that it all depends a lot on the tone of the exchanges you had about it.. also on what sort of shape things were in between you when this favor was asked.. though you probably are not at all the asshole, I've known plenty of folks to ask very reasonable things in very demanding ways, and some to ask them in very nice ways - so.. like.. were you able to chat about this actually in real time with her? what has her or your texting or talking tone like? hers? are you or she very curt and formal when you feel bad about having to say "no" and thus your boundary feels to another like a big ole iron wall because there's so many emotions in there that have to with the entire rest of your life beyond the current moment? Like.. tone matters .. a LOT. we all have a lot to learn about communicating carefully when we feel hurt.. or let down, and about speaking up for our own needs. we don't really know what the vibes are here, unless i'm forgetting something I read.
we are just so many of us kind of school kids, when it comes to the the process of learning how difficulty or conflict between friends can be an opportunity to make a relationship stronger, if addressed, at best, or one's self stronger, if faced, rather than an imperative to throw up one's hands and flee into the night the moment the going gets less than easy breezy friendship-y..
if you're spidey sense says "someones trying to get me to smuggle things across borders" then, that's what it says and you should listen. I just have a strong intuition that this could be, as so many interpersonal matters often are, probably/possibly not just about boxes...
I say all these things not to YOU individually, at all, OP, but just kind of as a shout into the void.. we are always assuming the we, ourselves, are reliable narrators, and that everyone we read is a reliable narrator, just like us.. and while your version of your own experience with this is very valid... with this sort of "am i the asshole" post we simply never know the gestalt of the situation if it's asked on a text based advice style forum like here or reddit.. THEN add in a dash of this tendency we out here all have to project OURSELVES onto any given narrators situation and often - and i don't know why this is - another dash of "meh, friendship, whatever, not that important as adults, what do people expect" energy that I notice people having a lot, much to our detriment as a species.. well, idk. it's just a moment i'm having... i'm sorry it coincided with your post when it's really about the zeitgeist more than your ask..
I just think we all tend to get a little unscientific and quick to close the book on these "am i the asshole posts." I think culturally - and perhaps this is US-specific so forgive my myopia there - culturally there's this strange weaponizing of psychological theory in which we hear a lot about toxic people, narcissists, etc.. and yes - these people exist ! however if they exist as often as they are talked about by the various algorithms we're all prey to, well.. wouldn't that make.. way too many people the asshole to be.. ontologically possible?
So.. you def don't owe us further explanation, I think you should listen to your gut in terms of box-transport-decisions, above and beyond any internet stranger's opinion.. it's just that I'm shamelessly taking your ask as a chance to chime in with this philosophical musing that is so often in my head and heart about our time and how we deal, or, don't wanna deal, with relational difficulty. I'm certain there are many assholes in the world. I'm also certain that there can't be as many assholes out there as it seems - like cut, dried, certain, capital A asshole.. and I'm certain that most asshole-ish folks i've encountered live sometimes their whole lives not seeing our/their own roles in things too clearly.. and i'm also certain that many of us have been raised to avoid conflict and authentic communication like it's the plague.. which is not our fault but is our responsibility to change..
and that equates in my mind to everything needing a huge amount of context, because there's that skill (or.. lack of skill in this area) bias that lately I can't help but wonder about in really most of the stuff like this i read on the interwebs.
Well, if anyone got this far, thanks for reading... if you think i need another hobby besides commenting at this length on an ask, you are probably right about that! : P
very sincerely - good luck, with both the journey and the friendship sorting out, and safe travels to you, OP.
posted by elgee at 3:30 PM on March 14 [7 favorites]
Response by poster: @ Table of malcontents : No , I don't talk about that aspect to others including any of my friends /sibling etc. ( current hubby does know... but he is my intimate partner so that's different ).This includes friends I've known for over eg 30 yrs.
She does know I was in an unhappy marriage , and eventually left ...and that
I felt unseen then but not now..nothing about the abuse.
I credit my Creator in his power , and the advice I got from metafilter on guiding me on the better and healthier path.
And I'm not trying to be facetious, metafilter opened my eyes .
posted by SarahSarah at 3:38 PM on March 14 [5 favorites]
She does know I was in an unhappy marriage , and eventually left ...and that
I felt unseen then but not now..nothing about the abuse.
I credit my Creator in his power , and the advice I got from metafilter on guiding me on the better and healthier path.
And I'm not trying to be facetious, metafilter opened my eyes .
posted by SarahSarah at 3:38 PM on March 14 [5 favorites]
Response by poster: @Elgee : Thank you for taking the time to comment , and as you say tick another box.
We were good friends until this incident , she's invited us around to her place a few times , and I've also invited her and her family to mine.
I did explain numerous times via phone as to why I couldnt take the stuff without checking , and I also was polite about it.
posted by SarahSarah at 3:55 PM on March 14 [3 favorites]
We were good friends until this incident , she's invited us around to her place a few times , and I've also invited her and her family to mine.
I did explain numerous times via phone as to why I couldnt take the stuff without checking , and I also was polite about it.
posted by SarahSarah at 3:55 PM on March 14 [3 favorites]
I think you have set good boundaries.
It's possible you could have presented your position in a less direct way, simply saying "Customs people will ask me if I have seen what is in those packages and I am unwilling to lie."
People generally respect a dedication to honesty even if it annoys them. And it makes the problem about you: it's a question of maintaining your own integrity. Any hint that you may be passing judgment on them is removed.
At least that's how it works in my home culture. Your cultural mileage may vary.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 8:37 PM on March 14 [5 favorites]
It's possible you could have presented your position in a less direct way, simply saying "Customs people will ask me if I have seen what is in those packages and I am unwilling to lie."
People generally respect a dedication to honesty even if it annoys them. And it makes the problem about you: it's a question of maintaining your own integrity. Any hint that you may be passing judgment on them is removed.
At least that's how it works in my home culture. Your cultural mileage may vary.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 8:37 PM on March 14 [5 favorites]
Best answer: Your boundary is absolutely reasonable to have and to enforce. And I think that your friend's response to you setting those boundaries was suspicious, and I would not be surprised to find out there was something in those parcels you shouldn't have been transporting.
But I think it's worth recognizing that that this type of discussion can be tricky because you can end up implying, intentionally or not, that you don't trust the person. Personally, I think I would feel a little hurt if it was someone that I was close to; would you really suspect me of trying to trick you into smuggling goods? That I'm that type of person? But I would also recognize that that feeling doesn't mean I'd been treated wrongly and that my friend had a right to inspect the packages. It would have been my mistake to try to give them sealed parcels in the first place.
That's why I like the suggestions so for how to frame this in terms that aren't about whether or not you trust your friend. Blaming it on not being willing to lie to customs is great.
Saying that it is a personal policy that you follow no matter who is a bit trickier, as to be frank, a lot of people don't understand that kind of reasoning (or don't want to). These are the type of people who get mad when they're asked to show their ID when buying alcohol even though they're obviously of age; they don't understand the value of having a policy where no judgement calls are involved. And if they're already the type to take things personally, they might take offense. What do you MEAN you think I'd lie....
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 7:07 AM on March 15
But I think it's worth recognizing that that this type of discussion can be tricky because you can end up implying, intentionally or not, that you don't trust the person. Personally, I think I would feel a little hurt if it was someone that I was close to; would you really suspect me of trying to trick you into smuggling goods? That I'm that type of person? But I would also recognize that that feeling doesn't mean I'd been treated wrongly and that my friend had a right to inspect the packages. It would have been my mistake to try to give them sealed parcels in the first place.
That's why I like the suggestions so for how to frame this in terms that aren't about whether or not you trust your friend. Blaming it on not being willing to lie to customs is great.
Saying that it is a personal policy that you follow no matter who is a bit trickier, as to be frank, a lot of people don't understand that kind of reasoning (or don't want to). These are the type of people who get mad when they're asked to show their ID when buying alcohol even though they're obviously of age; they don't understand the value of having a policy where no judgement calls are involved. And if they're already the type to take things personally, they might take offense. What do you MEAN you think I'd lie....
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 7:07 AM on March 15
I think you have behaved correctly, and now I would allow new friend time to cool off, then reach out in a low-key way. At many border crossings, you would be asked if you packed those boxes, and a friend would not ask another to lie in that circumstance. Border officials will tear apart a package and an entire vehicle quite easily. People tend to dig in to a position, esp. if they feel someone is questioning their integrity; people can have conflicting feelings even when no one behaved badly.
If it comes up again, I can see how you would feel I was questioning your honesty, and you may not have been in the same type of border situation. I appreciate your friendship so much and would hate to lose it, and of course neither of us meant to hurt the other . I hope it works out, new friends are not easy to make.
posted by theora55 at 9:47 AM on March 15 [2 favorites]
If it comes up again, I can see how you would feel I was questioning your honesty, and you may not have been in the same type of border situation. I appreciate your friendship so much and would hate to lose it, and of course neither of us meant to hurt the other . I hope it works out, new friends are not easy to make.
posted by theora55 at 9:47 AM on March 15 [2 favorites]
If your new country is in the EU, this could be a culture clash, though I'd admit that that's still a stretch. A 'border', within the EU, can be nothing more than a few signs with the country's name (and the most important speed limits), followed by a change in the color/format of road signs. I would probably cross such a border with a sealed box like you're describing, simply because it has never occurred to me not to.
If this is where she's coming from and she didn't account for these borders being different, your concerns could have genuinely shocked her. (Admittedly, this requires a generous helping of 'benefit of the doubt'.) Your very sensible precautions would look to her like an accusation.
If you think this could be the case, and since she didn't press you but found an alternative, I think it's worth reaching out a while from now and trying to move past it without even bringing it up. ( That's assuming you'd be willing to let bygones be bygones.)
posted by demi-octopus at 1:06 PM on March 15 [1 favorite]
If this is where she's coming from and she didn't account for these borders being different, your concerns could have genuinely shocked her. (Admittedly, this requires a generous helping of 'benefit of the doubt'.) Your very sensible precautions would look to her like an accusation.
If you think this could be the case, and since she didn't press you but found an alternative, I think it's worth reaching out a while from now and trying to move past it without even bringing it up. ( That's assuming you'd be willing to let bygones be bygones.)
posted by demi-octopus at 1:06 PM on March 15 [1 favorite]
First, nothing wrong with your boundaries!
I wanted to say, however, this could be a cultural issue. Since you are talking about police corruption, I guess you are not in Western Europe but I can easily imagine a Dutch person reacting negatively to a similar request— particularly if they considered you a good friend and particularly if you were crossing open borders.
If you want to save the friendship I would be as direct as possible and address the issue with her. Sad but true— you can be right and she can in her own context be right and sometimes these things just are not fixable.
posted by frumiousb at 12:18 AM on March 16
I wanted to say, however, this could be a cultural issue. Since you are talking about police corruption, I guess you are not in Western Europe but I can easily imagine a Dutch person reacting negatively to a similar request— particularly if they considered you a good friend and particularly if you were crossing open borders.
If you want to save the friendship I would be as direct as possible and address the issue with her. Sad but true— you can be right and she can in her own context be right and sometimes these things just are not fixable.
posted by frumiousb at 12:18 AM on March 16
Response by poster: @ DemiOctopus and Frumiosb : No , I am not in the EU , AND here you have strict borders control including but not limited to :customs , document and vehicle inspection ( which includes eg just for cars ) etc .
That means at every single border , the driver of the truck ( or any vehicle ) disembarks , goes into customs and gets their paperwork stamped and signed , ( usual look into the camera etc) and taxes / tolls etc paid for.
THEN the vehicle goes to another section where they have the option to inspect your entire cargo / back and front of eg your car.I've had my vehicle thoroughly checked before en route these countries myself, and I present as a pretty harmless middle aged , woman.
Then theres the fact that all police are armed , and police corruption is notorious on this route.
You shut your mouth , follow the rules and hope they dont harass you on some petty thing they just made up.Lets just say it takes b*** to get through that when you've grown up in a Country where police / army respect and treat you as a person .
Yes police corruption exists in my home Country too , BUT it is not endemic and you do NOT fear the customs / police / or being stopped.
You know your rights , and your country is strict in enforcing human rights.As long as your dl and vehicle papers are up to get , you get waived by .
Where I stay now , it is routine to be asked by police for a " assistance ".
Some are friendly about it , others are arrogant and in your face.
This is not a place I would eg feel comfortable letting our kids drive through these borders , esp not a female.
So ok I said too much , and regarding picking up the friendship, it was not me who ghosted .
posted by SarahSarah at 6:22 AM on March 16 [1 favorite]
That means at every single border , the driver of the truck ( or any vehicle ) disembarks , goes into customs and gets their paperwork stamped and signed , ( usual look into the camera etc) and taxes / tolls etc paid for.
THEN the vehicle goes to another section where they have the option to inspect your entire cargo / back and front of eg your car.I've had my vehicle thoroughly checked before en route these countries myself, and I present as a pretty harmless middle aged , woman.
Then theres the fact that all police are armed , and police corruption is notorious on this route.
You shut your mouth , follow the rules and hope they dont harass you on some petty thing they just made up.Lets just say it takes b*** to get through that when you've grown up in a Country where police / army respect and treat you as a person .
Yes police corruption exists in my home Country too , BUT it is not endemic and you do NOT fear the customs / police / or being stopped.
You know your rights , and your country is strict in enforcing human rights.As long as your dl and vehicle papers are up to get , you get waived by .
Where I stay now , it is routine to be asked by police for a " assistance ".
Some are friendly about it , others are arrogant and in your face.
This is not a place I would eg feel comfortable letting our kids drive through these borders , esp not a female.
So ok I said too much , and regarding picking up the friendship, it was not me who ghosted .
posted by SarahSarah at 6:22 AM on March 16 [1 favorite]
Mod note: One deleted. Please keep in mind that back-and-forth chatting with users is discouraged. Post your question, provide one or two comments providing additional context (if needed) and please allow the community to answer the question!
posted by travelingthyme (staff) at 7:10 AM on March 17
posted by travelingthyme (staff) at 7:10 AM on March 17
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Nothing to be sorry for.
Trust yourself. No second guessing.
Possibly carrying contraband across borders is not good.
Customs agents always ask did you pack your bags yourself.
posted by yyz at 12:38 PM on March 14 [19 favorites]