Coping together when everyone is falling apart - Fed edition
February 17, 2025 2:44 AM Subscribe
I’m a federal employee in DC and almost all my friends, neighbors and several relatives are too; and of course my coworkers are all terrified every day at work.
My question is - how do we cope collectively when we are all falling apart? I am trying to keep from spiraling but unlike other crises in my life, everyone is going through exactly the same thing and we mutually freak each other out instead of being able to support each other.
Right now this feels worse than Covid - maybe because the worst in the scenario has already happened to many people I know? I know that’s logically wrong but just saying that for reference about the atmosphere here in DC.
You can encourage people not to worry about things that they cannot control, and instead to focus on what they can actually do. Ideally, if people are really winding each other up, things that they can that will be helpful regardless of whether that particular catastrophic event comes to pass or not.
The other thing is that if you want to be a support for people who are tending to spiral, then you also need to have support for yourself from outside this group. The more you can be grounded, the easier it is to play a positive role, and soak up and then redirect others' anxiety.
posted by plonkee at 5:15 AM on February 17 [4 favorites]
The other thing is that if you want to be a support for people who are tending to spiral, then you also need to have support for yourself from outside this group. The more you can be grounded, the easier it is to play a positive role, and soak up and then redirect others' anxiety.
posted by plonkee at 5:15 AM on February 17 [4 favorites]
Look for things you can do, and reasons for hope.
Trump and his cronies are trying to terrify everyone into paralysis so that they will not impede their pillaging. Keep in mind that they cannot do much of what they are threatening to do before encountering significant resistance and a lot of difficulty. Try to figure out what is the biggest threat that matters to you and work on resisting and becoming resilient to that.
I'll be specific. The last thing you need is to spend your energy worrying about the oil companies in the US going wild creating new wells just because Trump said "Drill, Baby, drill!" They don't want to. Not only were they at the sweet spot where their then-current production level brought in the highest amount of profit, but they are now facing a crashing market, as whoever is going to buy their oil is likely to have to pay massive tariffs on it, and thus won't buy very much of it. This means that there are very good odds, you can ignore that issue until things change massively.
There are probably a lot of other issues that you can temporarily silo and pay no attention to, while you focus on whatever issue is the most important. I am not saying trans people are safe, but it appears that undocumented immigrants are already being sent to concentration camps, probably because there is already an extant paramilitary force organized, trained and paid specifically to round them up. You might want to designate undocumented immigrants as the population most in danger where you speak up, as in the "First they came for the Jews..." quotation. If your defense of the undocumented immigrants is forceful enough, you may never have to spend that much effort defending women, poc, trans people, Jews and gays, etc. Make defending something your first barricade and be prepared to hold that effectively as long as you can.
You will probably want to come up with strategies to deal with the worst happening in terms of your own employment. Similar to when there are lay offs coming and everyone who works there all start networking to find new jobs and share job leads, you need to think in terms of what you can do to protect yourself personally from the Kleptocrats sabotaging the Federal Government, and come up with strategies that are concrete. Suppose you get laid off? Or they stop paying you? What concrete steps can you take to mitigate that risk? Can you pay off debts? Take in a boarder? Sell assets now that are likely to drop in value and be difficult to sell later? Re-entrench? Look for alternative income streams? Make contacts in the private sphere?
You can also think of strategies like preparing to liaise with your State Government, so that your functions, if critical to society, can be continued. If thousands of people could be at risk of dying of hunger because you work for the SNAP program and that is being abolished by the Trumpians, your State Government, or your municipal government, or a consortium of concerned private individuals are going to have to step in, because nothing says civil unrest more clearly than food riots. People do not starve to death passively.
When a train goes off the tracks and ploughs through a crowded station full of people, most people freeze for a few seconds while their body reacts, while they figure out if they are in immediate danger and ought to run, and then they launch right in to help. You are right now in the position of seeing the onrushing train and being paralyzed because you know a disaster is very likely unfolding in front of you. If you assume that the worst has happened and is happening, you can get right to work. You don't wait for other people to organize it. Look for something you can do that won't cause any harm, and do that. And ask for help doing it.
It is perhaps better to presume on the worst; so as not to waste time on keening or being angry or grieving or being scared, but just look for practical things you can do to mitigate the situation.
In the train wreck scenario, you are not trained as a rescue worker, so you might do harm if you rush into the unstable wreckage and start dragging injured people out. But you might save a lot of lives by rushing to the street outside and directing traffic so that cars are removed to give fast open access to ambulances and rescue workers. You might get people with cars to line up, leaving a path open for the real professionals, and wait to provide transportation for the walking wounded. Look for something you can do, that will do no harm, and do that.
In your scenario, backing up the data required for your departments' functioning, in a place that Musk's saboteurs can't access it, is a similar type of help you can provide to make it possible for salvage work to go better. You want to make sure that as many people as possible who are reliant on you to survive, get the services you provide as long as possible. If the services you provide are not critical you want to provide support to the people who do provide critical services. If your department is in charge of organizing and disbursing funds for cultural festivals, reach out to the communities you support and tell them you are worried about them, and try to support them in resisting deportations and round ups.
You want to set a good example to your coworkers, and cut off your own doom spiraling by being supportive and practical. You want to say and do supportive things and encourage other people not to feel helpless. You want to look away from the carnage unless you need to focus on it to help. You want to listen for specific things - what help people need, what you can do to help. You want to figure out what you can do to help your own mental health and your own quality of life.
What one thing can you do now, to calm yourself down and improve your mood?
What one thing can you do now to help protect your country?
What have you not yet done to protect your mental health?
What have you not yet done to protect your security?
What have you not yet done to protect your country?
What can you say to others to reassure them and help them with their mental health?
Now is the time to build resistance cells. You have a perfect target population to build one from - a cohort of people whom you work with, who really, really, really do not want everything to go to ratshit. They have the motivation. They just need to figure out what they need to do and can do. Tell them that they have the power to resist and to defend and start logically thinking of things you can do together.
Remember that behind the scenes work matters acutely. If you are afraid of being visible, find less confrontational ways to help. Learn first aid. Feed people. Offer people transportation if you commute with a car and have an empty seat in it. Go next door and meet your neighbours, tell them you are worried about the current situation, and if they are too, you'd like them to know that they are not alone and that you are looking for practical ways to help each other. Show your gay, Latin, and other people that you are LIVID about the threat to them and that you are desperately scared for them.
But don't waste your energy on outrage or fear - that's exactly what the Kleptocrats want you to do.
posted by Jane the Brown at 5:59 AM on February 17 [31 favorites]
Trump and his cronies are trying to terrify everyone into paralysis so that they will not impede their pillaging. Keep in mind that they cannot do much of what they are threatening to do before encountering significant resistance and a lot of difficulty. Try to figure out what is the biggest threat that matters to you and work on resisting and becoming resilient to that.
I'll be specific. The last thing you need is to spend your energy worrying about the oil companies in the US going wild creating new wells just because Trump said "Drill, Baby, drill!" They don't want to. Not only were they at the sweet spot where their then-current production level brought in the highest amount of profit, but they are now facing a crashing market, as whoever is going to buy their oil is likely to have to pay massive tariffs on it, and thus won't buy very much of it. This means that there are very good odds, you can ignore that issue until things change massively.
There are probably a lot of other issues that you can temporarily silo and pay no attention to, while you focus on whatever issue is the most important. I am not saying trans people are safe, but it appears that undocumented immigrants are already being sent to concentration camps, probably because there is already an extant paramilitary force organized, trained and paid specifically to round them up. You might want to designate undocumented immigrants as the population most in danger where you speak up, as in the "First they came for the Jews..." quotation. If your defense of the undocumented immigrants is forceful enough, you may never have to spend that much effort defending women, poc, trans people, Jews and gays, etc. Make defending something your first barricade and be prepared to hold that effectively as long as you can.
You will probably want to come up with strategies to deal with the worst happening in terms of your own employment. Similar to when there are lay offs coming and everyone who works there all start networking to find new jobs and share job leads, you need to think in terms of what you can do to protect yourself personally from the Kleptocrats sabotaging the Federal Government, and come up with strategies that are concrete. Suppose you get laid off? Or they stop paying you? What concrete steps can you take to mitigate that risk? Can you pay off debts? Take in a boarder? Sell assets now that are likely to drop in value and be difficult to sell later? Re-entrench? Look for alternative income streams? Make contacts in the private sphere?
You can also think of strategies like preparing to liaise with your State Government, so that your functions, if critical to society, can be continued. If thousands of people could be at risk of dying of hunger because you work for the SNAP program and that is being abolished by the Trumpians, your State Government, or your municipal government, or a consortium of concerned private individuals are going to have to step in, because nothing says civil unrest more clearly than food riots. People do not starve to death passively.
When a train goes off the tracks and ploughs through a crowded station full of people, most people freeze for a few seconds while their body reacts, while they figure out if they are in immediate danger and ought to run, and then they launch right in to help. You are right now in the position of seeing the onrushing train and being paralyzed because you know a disaster is very likely unfolding in front of you. If you assume that the worst has happened and is happening, you can get right to work. You don't wait for other people to organize it. Look for something you can do that won't cause any harm, and do that. And ask for help doing it.
It is perhaps better to presume on the worst; so as not to waste time on keening or being angry or grieving or being scared, but just look for practical things you can do to mitigate the situation.
In the train wreck scenario, you are not trained as a rescue worker, so you might do harm if you rush into the unstable wreckage and start dragging injured people out. But you might save a lot of lives by rushing to the street outside and directing traffic so that cars are removed to give fast open access to ambulances and rescue workers. You might get people with cars to line up, leaving a path open for the real professionals, and wait to provide transportation for the walking wounded. Look for something you can do, that will do no harm, and do that.
In your scenario, backing up the data required for your departments' functioning, in a place that Musk's saboteurs can't access it, is a similar type of help you can provide to make it possible for salvage work to go better. You want to make sure that as many people as possible who are reliant on you to survive, get the services you provide as long as possible. If the services you provide are not critical you want to provide support to the people who do provide critical services. If your department is in charge of organizing and disbursing funds for cultural festivals, reach out to the communities you support and tell them you are worried about them, and try to support them in resisting deportations and round ups.
You want to set a good example to your coworkers, and cut off your own doom spiraling by being supportive and practical. You want to say and do supportive things and encourage other people not to feel helpless. You want to look away from the carnage unless you need to focus on it to help. You want to listen for specific things - what help people need, what you can do to help. You want to figure out what you can do to help your own mental health and your own quality of life.
What one thing can you do now, to calm yourself down and improve your mood?
What one thing can you do now to help protect your country?
What have you not yet done to protect your mental health?
What have you not yet done to protect your security?
What have you not yet done to protect your country?
What can you say to others to reassure them and help them with their mental health?
Now is the time to build resistance cells. You have a perfect target population to build one from - a cohort of people whom you work with, who really, really, really do not want everything to go to ratshit. They have the motivation. They just need to figure out what they need to do and can do. Tell them that they have the power to resist and to defend and start logically thinking of things you can do together.
Remember that behind the scenes work matters acutely. If you are afraid of being visible, find less confrontational ways to help. Learn first aid. Feed people. Offer people transportation if you commute with a car and have an empty seat in it. Go next door and meet your neighbours, tell them you are worried about the current situation, and if they are too, you'd like them to know that they are not alone and that you are looking for practical ways to help each other. Show your gay, Latin, and other people that you are LIVID about the threat to them and that you are desperately scared for them.
But don't waste your energy on outrage or fear - that's exactly what the Kleptocrats want you to do.
posted by Jane the Brown at 5:59 AM on February 17 [31 favorites]
This is kind of a ridiculous suggestion but it came to mind so I’m saying it. Do you watch Severance? I feel like the ultimate moral of that show is: literally nothing matters but your coworkers. The people in charge may be evil, and their aims may be devious and obscure, but ultimately, all the value in the world lives in the interpersonal relationships you have with people you love. So figure out who those people are—the equivalent of your team in Macrodata Management.. Now you have a manageable goal. Even if things get so bad that it’s just three of you stuck in a basement with a bunch of goats, you can find meaning and satisfaction in sticking together with your team. Remind yourself every day that the enemy is on the outside, and that your only goal is to look out for the people in the inside. Each day you get through it together is a win. It doesn’t matter if you get your work done, it doesn’t matter if you actually manage to strike a blow against management (though it’s cool if you do) — did you get through the day together?Were you kind and loving? Did you laugh? Did you have each other’s backs? Did you keep from taking your fears out on each other? Congratulations, you won the game that day. You can do it.I know I’m not alone in thinking about you guys a lot. This is stupid and bad and A LOT of people are rooting for you. You are not alone.
posted by Merricat Blackwood at 6:41 AM on February 17 [14 favorites]
posted by Merricat Blackwood at 6:41 AM on February 17 [14 favorites]
Remind people that there are a couple of special elections coming up and if they know people who retired to those districts to ask them to support the democratic candidate because you're worried about losing your job, Musk accessing the IRS or whatever might work best with them.
posted by Art_Pot at 7:07 AM on February 17 [3 favorites]
posted by Art_Pot at 7:07 AM on February 17 [3 favorites]
Is it possible to get small groups of folks together for a potluck, coffee or other support group within one's home. Maybe 5-7 people sitting collectively, children in the other room watching movies, meeting once a week, as a means of support and sharing.
posted by Toddles at 8:45 AM on February 17 [1 favorite]
posted by Toddles at 8:45 AM on February 17 [1 favorite]
Can you seek out the non federal folks in your orbit more? I.e kids, old people, friends?.
I'm not a fed but friends family fed and in Int'l development. 80% of the outings I'm at it's jsut people moping and asking very pointedly if they are affected etc. The other 20% are with people who aren't affected and we completely ignore the topic. The latter feels better.
posted by sandmanwv at 9:24 AM on February 17 [2 favorites]
I'm not a fed but friends family fed and in Int'l development. 80% of the outings I'm at it's jsut people moping and asking very pointedly if they are affected etc. The other 20% are with people who aren't affected and we completely ignore the topic. The latter feels better.
posted by sandmanwv at 9:24 AM on February 17 [2 favorites]
I'm so sorry you're going through this. One approach: Don't Mourn, Organize.
posted by latkes at 1:11 PM on February 17 [1 favorite]
posted by latkes at 1:11 PM on February 17 [1 favorite]
My question is - how do we cope collectively when we are all falling apart?
Sometimes I ask the person or people I am with "How would you like me to show up for you as a listener right now?" Asking how the other person would like me to show up helps me put myself in the conversation with a purpose for listening that keeps my mind away from its own stress triggers and doom spirals, almost like creating a neutral third space for whatever the conflict is. I will even tell them, "Hey, this might sound weird, but I'm gonna ask you this question because I care about you and want us both to feel better after we talk." Sometimes the person just needs a trusted listener for their venting, sometimes advice, sometimes a thought partner, etc. and I can be that listener without stressing myself out.
Sometimes I listen for what the person's words are expressing about their emotions...is it anger? fear? sadness? And then I name what I think I'm hearing because sometimes naming an emotion and talking about why the circumstances are bringing up this emotion can be powerful for taking action, whatever the action happens to be. Maybe their emotions are blaring an alarm for self-care, or community service, or activism, or something else that puts the speaker back into their body and a feeling of empowerment that they can DO something and reclaim a sense of agency instead of being helpless.
These are not my own ideas, rather tools for cultivating emotional resilience that I picked up in work trainings the last few years, most recently in the book Onward by Elena Aguilar if that helps you to find other resources.
posted by Lady Sugar Maple at 2:45 PM on February 17 [2 favorites]
Sometimes I ask the person or people I am with "How would you like me to show up for you as a listener right now?" Asking how the other person would like me to show up helps me put myself in the conversation with a purpose for listening that keeps my mind away from its own stress triggers and doom spirals, almost like creating a neutral third space for whatever the conflict is. I will even tell them, "Hey, this might sound weird, but I'm gonna ask you this question because I care about you and want us both to feel better after we talk." Sometimes the person just needs a trusted listener for their venting, sometimes advice, sometimes a thought partner, etc. and I can be that listener without stressing myself out.
Sometimes I listen for what the person's words are expressing about their emotions...is it anger? fear? sadness? And then I name what I think I'm hearing because sometimes naming an emotion and talking about why the circumstances are bringing up this emotion can be powerful for taking action, whatever the action happens to be. Maybe their emotions are blaring an alarm for self-care, or community service, or activism, or something else that puts the speaker back into their body and a feeling of empowerment that they can DO something and reclaim a sense of agency instead of being helpless.
These are not my own ideas, rather tools for cultivating emotional resilience that I picked up in work trainings the last few years, most recently in the book Onward by Elena Aguilar if that helps you to find other resources.
posted by Lady Sugar Maple at 2:45 PM on February 17 [2 favorites]
Write. Organize your thoughts and put them into words. Describe what happened and how it made you feel. Some people write what they worry about; I find that can makes it worse but YMMV. Write about the political situation and why it’s so fucked up and what they - or you - should do about it if you want, but mostly focus on you. Share it if you have an appropriate vehicle and audience but be judicious and focus on writing for you first. Thoughts that get stuck in your head and can’t get out turn bitter and mean.
posted by RandlePatrickMcMurphy at 5:50 PM on February 17 [1 favorite]
posted by RandlePatrickMcMurphy at 5:50 PM on February 17 [1 favorite]
everyone is going through exactly the same thing and we mutually freak each other out instead of being able to support each other.
I hear you. I’m higher ed rather than fed but that’s pretty much the DC vibe right now for a lot of us. I am basically being a sponge and trying to be mindful/practice mutual aid.
posted by aspersioncast at 4:25 PM on February 18
I hear you. I’m higher ed rather than fed but that’s pretty much the DC vibe right now for a lot of us. I am basically being a sponge and trying to be mindful/practice mutual aid.
posted by aspersioncast at 4:25 PM on February 18
What people outside of DC don’t seem to understand about DC at this moment is that the federal government is DC’s version of a small town’s major factory. If the factory closes, like a quarter of the city loses their job. Except in this case, when the factory closes all those people lose their job and there are huge ripple effects for the rest of the nation.
Aside from this, we don’t have voting representation in congress. The current congress is trying to get rid of DC’s ability to even govern itself, and as a result, there is limited impact individuals in DC have at this time compared to someone in another state.
So basically yeah, it’s terrible and like it’s going to be (already is) very stressful and hard to cope when everyone around you seems to be at risk of massive negative changes in their livelihood and lifestyle and the current administration seems ready to run this city into the ground. It’s ok to not be able to collectively cope with this thing that is having a significant negative impact on our city.
So far, what has worked in my neighborhood is: calling friends/family who are not in DC to tell someone all the awful stuff going on, making bad jokes about it because otherwise you have to just cry about it which feels awful, checking the news only once a day, and trying to help feds work on their resumes and professional photos. Try to stay determined to uphold the oath you took for as long as you possibly can. Hold the line.
posted by donut_princess at 7:54 PM on February 18 [4 favorites]
Aside from this, we don’t have voting representation in congress. The current congress is trying to get rid of DC’s ability to even govern itself, and as a result, there is limited impact individuals in DC have at this time compared to someone in another state.
So basically yeah, it’s terrible and like it’s going to be (already is) very stressful and hard to cope when everyone around you seems to be at risk of massive negative changes in their livelihood and lifestyle and the current administration seems ready to run this city into the ground. It’s ok to not be able to collectively cope with this thing that is having a significant negative impact on our city.
So far, what has worked in my neighborhood is: calling friends/family who are not in DC to tell someone all the awful stuff going on, making bad jokes about it because otherwise you have to just cry about it which feels awful, checking the news only once a day, and trying to help feds work on their resumes and professional photos. Try to stay determined to uphold the oath you took for as long as you possibly can. Hold the line.
posted by donut_princess at 7:54 PM on February 18 [4 favorites]
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I am having to be something of an anxiety sponge for my colleagues and students. I won't pretend it's easy, and I'm not presently under anything like the sword of Damocles that you are. But here's how I'm doing it:
* The strictest of strict news and social-media diets. My filter list overfloweth, but that's how I keep enough sang-froid to keep doing useful resistance-y things and also my job.
* Meditation. Andrea Wachter on Insight Timer has some good guided meditations for anxiety and fear. Is this an action you could share with colleagues, perhaps on a break or during lunch?
* Sometimes, naming what's going on and gently nudging toward something different. When people are spiraling, I first express care, then name that they're spiraling, then either ask what's within their ability to do, or...
* Have low-barrier resistance-y things in my back pocket to suggest -- on the order of Resistbot, 5Calls, Americans of Conscience Checklist. I always talk about these as an invitation ("please join me in pushing back, I'd appreciate that so much") rather than an injunction.
Love and strength to you.
posted by humbug at 4:46 AM on February 17 [12 favorites]