I passed up a job opportunity out of loyalty, and I can't stand it
September 22, 2018 2:39 AM Subscribe
A former professor helped get me a job. Immediately after I was hired, I had the opportunity for a much more exciting job. But I turned that down because I didn't want to hurt my relationship with my professor. I've been at my job a month, and I hate it. I wish I'd accepted the other option, but I don't know if it's too late to do anything about it.
For background: I'm in my 30s. I live in the Bay Area. I went to college late, and I just graduated last Spring with a degree in the social sciences.
I worked closely with one professor, and she's a great mentor and advocate for years. A couple months after I graduated, she reached out to me to say she'd recommended me for a job with someone she knew. It's a small company that does analytical work for a major corporation. The work has nothing to do with my interests or my degree, but the pay is decent with good opportunities for growth. I interviewed, they loved me, and I was hired within a few days.
I have a family friend who happens to be a well-known person in tech (I say "happens to be" because I don't know anyone else like that). Two days after I was hired, this family friend texted me to ask if I was still looking for a job. There was a job (doing something I'd be interested in), and he couldn't make promises, but could I send him my resume? I was thrilled, but I had already committed to this other job, and people told me I would risk jeopardizing my relationship with my professor if I pulled something obnoxious with the job she'd gotten me. So I thanked him and said I'd just been hired at another job, and he said "congrats!"
A couple weeks later, someone told me they'd talked to this family about his job offer. The family friend said "[anonymous] really should have taken my job offer." The other person explained about my relationship with my professor, and the family friend understood, but said "my offer was still much better." This is a kind and unpretentious person. I know they meant it, and knowing who they are, I believe it. Hearing about this conversation made me realize what I'd passed up.
I've been at my job for a month now, and I hate it. The people are nice enough, and they love me as an employee. But the job is extremely stressful and mentally taxing, and the benefits suck. They've had me learning a TON of highly complex information, far more than they expect of other people. It's great to know that I'm capable of so much, but I'm completely burned out already. I have zero interest in this industry, and every time someone tells me how well my career is going, I just want to run screaming out of the building. All I can think about is that I gave up an amazing opportunity for this, all because I was too scared to change my mind after I'd signed their offer letter.
I feel guilty and ungrateful for thinking like this. I know I must sound so spoiled, but I just feel lost. I'm in my 30s and this is my first office job. I've only ever worked terrible jobs (which is why I went to college in the first place). I'm already making about 4 times as much as I've ever earned in the past. I have no perspective on how a professional career works, or what to expect for myself. I have no idea what being treated well feels like, or what reasonable expectations are. It feels like I need to start building a career somewhere now. I've talked to people who changed career paths, but they all did it in their 20s.
What can I do? Can I leave this job without damaging my relationship with people around me? Is buckling down and accepting the state of things just part of being an adult? Is it too late to try and take the other option? I don't know if the other job opportunity is long gone, and I have no way of knowing if this is just a grass-is-greener situation anyway. But damn, I really wish I'd taken that option, and I really want it to still be an option somehow. I don't want to settle for a situation that makes me this unhappy and just hope I'll learn to like it. Is thinking "there must be something more" just a universal thing that happens to naive people like me? Do I just need to learn to accept the loss and make the best of what I have?
For background: I'm in my 30s. I live in the Bay Area. I went to college late, and I just graduated last Spring with a degree in the social sciences.
I worked closely with one professor, and she's a great mentor and advocate for years. A couple months after I graduated, she reached out to me to say she'd recommended me for a job with someone she knew. It's a small company that does analytical work for a major corporation. The work has nothing to do with my interests or my degree, but the pay is decent with good opportunities for growth. I interviewed, they loved me, and I was hired within a few days.
I have a family friend who happens to be a well-known person in tech (I say "happens to be" because I don't know anyone else like that). Two days after I was hired, this family friend texted me to ask if I was still looking for a job. There was a job (doing something I'd be interested in), and he couldn't make promises, but could I send him my resume? I was thrilled, but I had already committed to this other job, and people told me I would risk jeopardizing my relationship with my professor if I pulled something obnoxious with the job she'd gotten me. So I thanked him and said I'd just been hired at another job, and he said "congrats!"
A couple weeks later, someone told me they'd talked to this family about his job offer. The family friend said "[anonymous] really should have taken my job offer." The other person explained about my relationship with my professor, and the family friend understood, but said "my offer was still much better." This is a kind and unpretentious person. I know they meant it, and knowing who they are, I believe it. Hearing about this conversation made me realize what I'd passed up.
I've been at my job for a month now, and I hate it. The people are nice enough, and they love me as an employee. But the job is extremely stressful and mentally taxing, and the benefits suck. They've had me learning a TON of highly complex information, far more than they expect of other people. It's great to know that I'm capable of so much, but I'm completely burned out already. I have zero interest in this industry, and every time someone tells me how well my career is going, I just want to run screaming out of the building. All I can think about is that I gave up an amazing opportunity for this, all because I was too scared to change my mind after I'd signed their offer letter.
I feel guilty and ungrateful for thinking like this. I know I must sound so spoiled, but I just feel lost. I'm in my 30s and this is my first office job. I've only ever worked terrible jobs (which is why I went to college in the first place). I'm already making about 4 times as much as I've ever earned in the past. I have no perspective on how a professional career works, or what to expect for myself. I have no idea what being treated well feels like, or what reasonable expectations are. It feels like I need to start building a career somewhere now. I've talked to people who changed career paths, but they all did it in their 20s.
What can I do? Can I leave this job without damaging my relationship with people around me? Is buckling down and accepting the state of things just part of being an adult? Is it too late to try and take the other option? I don't know if the other job opportunity is long gone, and I have no way of knowing if this is just a grass-is-greener situation anyway. But damn, I really wish I'd taken that option, and I really want it to still be an option somehow. I don't want to settle for a situation that makes me this unhappy and just hope I'll learn to like it. Is thinking "there must be something more" just a universal thing that happens to naive people like me? Do I just need to learn to accept the loss and make the best of what I have?
I don't think you sound spoiled; on the contrary, honoring your commitment to the first place is very professional. It's perfectly fair to reach out to the family friend, both to see if OtherJob is still open, but also to let them know that you would be interested in future opportunities.
If leaving isn't an immediate option, could you get feedback coffee with someone at your current job to share your concerns/feeling of burnout? They may have thrown you in the deep end of the pool without realizing that as a career-changer, you'd need some extra time to adjust to whatever their office norms are. For instance, there may be ways of doing things efficiently that others just assume "everyone knows" but you're new and are spinning your wheels because you don't have a decade of insider information to draw on. FWIW, I've spent my entire career in professional/office-type jobs, in the same little subfield of academia, and whenever I switch locations, it takes a few weeks to a couple months to feel like I'm not drowning in the role. So it's not you!
posted by basalganglia at 5:39 AM on September 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
If leaving isn't an immediate option, could you get feedback coffee with someone at your current job to share your concerns/feeling of burnout? They may have thrown you in the deep end of the pool without realizing that as a career-changer, you'd need some extra time to adjust to whatever their office norms are. For instance, there may be ways of doing things efficiently that others just assume "everyone knows" but you're new and are spinning your wheels because you don't have a decade of insider information to draw on. FWIW, I've spent my entire career in professional/office-type jobs, in the same little subfield of academia, and whenever I switch locations, it takes a few weeks to a couple months to feel like I'm not drowning in the role. So it's not you!
posted by basalganglia at 5:39 AM on September 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
I would contact the family friend and explain the outlines of why you turned him down, that after a month it is not a good fit, and could he help. I would caution that if you were to leave and accept a job family friend helps you get, you need to stay in that new job for, I don't know, at least a year, even if the job sucks worse than your current job.
There is nothing wrong with leaving a job bc it is not in the field in which you studied and wanted to work. You tried it, you are good at it, but you don't like it and don't want to be pigeon holed into that field seeing as you are starting your career later than most.
posted by AugustWest at 6:15 AM on September 22, 2018 [4 favorites]
There is nothing wrong with leaving a job bc it is not in the field in which you studied and wanted to work. You tried it, you are good at it, but you don't like it and don't want to be pigeon holed into that field seeing as you are starting your career later than most.
posted by AugustWest at 6:15 AM on September 22, 2018 [4 favorites]
New jobs in new fields are very often just scary and hard at first. Heck, I've taken new jobs in fields I was very familiar with and the first month still sucked and I seriously started to wonder if I was going to make it, even though I had done practically the same job elsewhere. We don't know what the second job was or how exactly it was better. It's possible that it seems a lot better just because it isn't this very real job which is stressing you out right now.
Regardless, there's nothing wrong with revisiting the conversation with the family friend and learning more about that other job. If it's still open, go ahead and interview. If they make you an offer, and when considered from every angle that job really is significantly better for you, take it. *Then* consider your relationship with your prof.
If your prof is at all a reasonable person, they should not hold this against you. If you want you could get coffee with them and thank them for recommending you and explain that a really great opportunity in your field just fell into your lap and you couldn't say no. Coffee in this case should be a little about explaining but more about showing that you value the relationship - so explain and then talk about the stuff you would normally talk about. A reasonable person would be horrified to learn that you stuck with a miserable job because you were afraid that taking a better job would offend them.
posted by bunderful at 6:46 AM on September 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
Regardless, there's nothing wrong with revisiting the conversation with the family friend and learning more about that other job. If it's still open, go ahead and interview. If they make you an offer, and when considered from every angle that job really is significantly better for you, take it. *Then* consider your relationship with your prof.
If your prof is at all a reasonable person, they should not hold this against you. If you want you could get coffee with them and thank them for recommending you and explain that a really great opportunity in your field just fell into your lap and you couldn't say no. Coffee in this case should be a little about explaining but more about showing that you value the relationship - so explain and then talk about the stuff you would normally talk about. A reasonable person would be horrified to learn that you stuck with a miserable job because you were afraid that taking a better job would offend them.
posted by bunderful at 6:46 AM on September 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
There was a job (doing something I'd be interested in), and he couldn't make promises, but could I send him my resume?
Your family friend did not offer you a job, they offered to consider you for a job that they didn't even fully explain to you (If they had, you wouldn't have to just trust them that it was amazing, you'd be able to tell for yourself).
posted by the agents of KAOS at 7:55 AM on September 22, 2018 [8 favorites]
Your family friend did not offer you a job, they offered to consider you for a job that they didn't even fully explain to you (If they had, you wouldn't have to just trust them that it was amazing, you'd be able to tell for yourself).
posted by the agents of KAOS at 7:55 AM on September 22, 2018 [8 favorites]
I see two separate issues, you disliking your job and you feeling you've done something stupid and missed out.
With respect to the second one, I agree with the question above about 'how would your relative know' that their job was better? Even if the compensation was better, maybe it involves working with unpleasant people or doing things that are even less interesting to you despite the initial description, and maybe the learning curve is just as high, etc. If you truly feel the need the beat yourself up about this, first find out all the actual details that you can. But why bother? The thing to focus on is the first question.
I think giving it a few more months as described is probably worth it, to see how you feel once the learning curve is not so steep. A working environment where your coworkers are (a) nice and (b) appreciate you is not all that common necessarily, and even if the benefits aren't great you did say the compensation is good.
If you find after half a year that you still dislike it then start looking around for other work, and consider whether the skills you're learning now make you even more marketable. Also consider whether you want to deal with yet another learning curve when you start a new job.
Anyway, don't feel like you're locked in to anything as your career for good. When people congratulate you on your career, just take it as a 'good work finding a job you can live on in the bay area'.
posted by trig at 8:07 AM on September 22, 2018
With respect to the second one, I agree with the question above about 'how would your relative know' that their job was better? Even if the compensation was better, maybe it involves working with unpleasant people or doing things that are even less interesting to you despite the initial description, and maybe the learning curve is just as high, etc. If you truly feel the need the beat yourself up about this, first find out all the actual details that you can. But why bother? The thing to focus on is the first question.
I think giving it a few more months as described is probably worth it, to see how you feel once the learning curve is not so steep. A working environment where your coworkers are (a) nice and (b) appreciate you is not all that common necessarily, and even if the benefits aren't great you did say the compensation is good.
If you find after half a year that you still dislike it then start looking around for other work, and consider whether the skills you're learning now make you even more marketable. Also consider whether you want to deal with yet another learning curve when you start a new job.
Anyway, don't feel like you're locked in to anything as your career for good. When people congratulate you on your career, just take it as a 'good work finding a job you can live on in the bay area'.
posted by trig at 8:07 AM on September 22, 2018
I think it would be best to stay in your current job now, but try to keep the possibilities of opportunities from your acquaintance open. Get in touch and thank them again for the offer and mention that you would be very interested in any future openings that come up.
It could be a good idea to try sticking with your job until at least the three month mark if you can. Starting a new job is difficult - I have nightmares when I am learning new things, and I finish each day with a headache from how full my head feels from taking in everything new. It's incredibly draining. But after a couple of months, it's amazing how much it can improve.
In the meantime, the advice of talking to your professor about your struggles with the new role could be incredibly helpful to you.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 8:13 AM on September 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
It could be a good idea to try sticking with your job until at least the three month mark if you can. Starting a new job is difficult - I have nightmares when I am learning new things, and I finish each day with a headache from how full my head feels from taking in everything new. It's incredibly draining. But after a couple of months, it's amazing how much it can improve.
In the meantime, the advice of talking to your professor about your struggles with the new role could be incredibly helpful to you.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 8:13 AM on September 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
Every employer will lay you off or fire you at a moment's notice if it is their best interest. It's very diligent of you to worry about your employer, but I think it makes sense to treat them as they will treat you. Check to see if the other job is available. Almost all the time, if there's a job opportunity, check it out. The worst that could happen is that you use an interviewer's time; that's a standard cost of doing business. This is also a way people make contacts. If you get a job offer and choose to take it, give plenty of notice. Do good work, make sure things are documented; that's what you owe your current employer.
posted by theora55 at 10:39 AM on September 22, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by theora55 at 10:39 AM on September 22, 2018 [3 favorites]
Can I leave this job without damaging my relationship with people around me?
Yes, particularly if you tell them it turned out the job you took "wasn’t a good fit." In a way it’s the best of both worlds: You gave it a try but it didn’t work out and you get to move to a job you (think you will) like.
Don’t do it until you have signed with the other company though.
Every employer will lay you off or fire you at a moment's notice if it is their best interest. It's very diligent of you to worry about your employer, but I think it makes sense to treat them as they will treat you
This is sage advice. Companies are made up of people but in the end they are their own creatures, driven by balance sheets and completely without compassion. Loyalty to individuals is a good thing, but it won’t mean a thing when your entire department gets cut with 3 days notice(*).
* Been there, done that.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 7:52 AM on September 23, 2018
Yes, particularly if you tell them it turned out the job you took "wasn’t a good fit." In a way it’s the best of both worlds: You gave it a try but it didn’t work out and you get to move to a job you (think you will) like.
Don’t do it until you have signed with the other company though.
Every employer will lay you off or fire you at a moment's notice if it is their best interest. It's very diligent of you to worry about your employer, but I think it makes sense to treat them as they will treat you
This is sage advice. Companies are made up of people but in the end they are their own creatures, driven by balance sheets and completely without compassion. Loyalty to individuals is a good thing, but it won’t mean a thing when your entire department gets cut with 3 days notice(*).
* Been there, done that.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 7:52 AM on September 23, 2018
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Then, assuming that the offer is not still open, you grit it out, do your very best to perform in your current position, and after a year you start applying for jobs that you actually want. It's no big deal to not find your dream job the first time around, in fact it's super normal. Think of this as a stepping stone to something better, which is what one's first job out of school usually is.
If your family friend's offer is still open, try to consider it carefully and objectively before accepting. You sound like you don't actually know much about what this offer was other than that your family friend thinks it's better than what you have now—which, how would he actually know that? I get that you think he's a humble, non-self-aggrandizing kind of guy, but this is his own company we're talking about (or maybe a company owned by one of his friends?) so naturally he thinks highly of it. His idea of what makes a good job may be very different from yours, though. So don't just jump ship unthinkingly—make sure you get all the information first and make an informed decision.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 3:23 AM on September 22, 2018 [21 favorites]