How to pick up a friendship post- uneven job loss situation?
February 12, 2025 3:52 PM Subscribe
My organization went through a very tough 2023-24. At the end of 2024, several of my colleagues lost their jobs, while my job and a few others went to part-time. It was very stressful and we had a long period (four months or so) in which we all knew how our jobs were ending - or not.
During this period, one of my colleagues took their job loss very badly (not unreasonable!) and was not their best self in the months between the announcement of the changes and the loss of their job. We worked closely together and there was some friction - think snapping when asked a question, working to rule/not completing tasks and making a point of it, and even the silent treatment when we were in the same car. I know they carry a ton of bad feeling toward management, while my relationship with our boss, which was strained somewhat by the changes, is what I think of as work-appropriate and solid.
Towards the end of the year we basically stopped communicating, which didn't make the end of our working relationship any better. There was a lot of tiptoeing around them, not only by me but by other colleagues who found them really tough to work with during this period as well. I didn't like walking on eggshells and being aware of their (mostly) silent rage, it was very uncomfortable.
Now that the dust has settled a bit, I find I miss them (leaving gender unclear deliberately, they use a different pronoun but I am anon for this and want them to have that luxury as well) and want to know what they are doing for work and how they are handling the change now that the main rupture has happened. I am at a bit of a loss as to how to reach out.
In case you all wonder what on earth I miss, please know that they were a generous colleague and we did some great stuff together. Our families went through some intense stuff at the same time, we talked about a lot of it, and I appreciate their intelligence, humor, and politics. I am genuinely interested in what they are doing now. They live in the city I spent a decade in, and I miss the place as well.
I don't necessarily trust my instincts here. In some ways I think that saying head-on, 'hey friend, now that we're in the new reality, I miss you and hope that we can find a way to connect as friends rather than coworkers' is the simplest and most genuine thing to say.
However, since I am still at the same job, I don't really want to talk about it with them, either to rehash last year or to discuss how things are at work. This is a big chunk of my life and theirs to not want to talk about! We were both there more than 10 years and the work we've done together is the main way I know them (there are other ways, like our kids being close in age, but that's also complicated - I know their ex and wayyy too much about how bad things got between them, and the ex is also still relatively present in our working - and in their case parenting- lives. We are all in the same field.)
I work remotely (with periods of on-site work) and have done for almost a decade now. I don't know how to suggest we connect in a way that will be comfortable and allow us both some time to see how we can get along now.
Part of me is resigned to just letting things go forever. Part of me thinks that's just too dumb of an outcome. And since they are in the same field, I'd rather find a way to talk to them before I run into them in another context and have to do it all on the fly.
During this period, one of my colleagues took their job loss very badly (not unreasonable!) and was not their best self in the months between the announcement of the changes and the loss of their job. We worked closely together and there was some friction - think snapping when asked a question, working to rule/not completing tasks and making a point of it, and even the silent treatment when we were in the same car. I know they carry a ton of bad feeling toward management, while my relationship with our boss, which was strained somewhat by the changes, is what I think of as work-appropriate and solid.
Towards the end of the year we basically stopped communicating, which didn't make the end of our working relationship any better. There was a lot of tiptoeing around them, not only by me but by other colleagues who found them really tough to work with during this period as well. I didn't like walking on eggshells and being aware of their (mostly) silent rage, it was very uncomfortable.
Now that the dust has settled a bit, I find I miss them (leaving gender unclear deliberately, they use a different pronoun but I am anon for this and want them to have that luxury as well) and want to know what they are doing for work and how they are handling the change now that the main rupture has happened. I am at a bit of a loss as to how to reach out.
In case you all wonder what on earth I miss, please know that they were a generous colleague and we did some great stuff together. Our families went through some intense stuff at the same time, we talked about a lot of it, and I appreciate their intelligence, humor, and politics. I am genuinely interested in what they are doing now. They live in the city I spent a decade in, and I miss the place as well.
I don't necessarily trust my instincts here. In some ways I think that saying head-on, 'hey friend, now that we're in the new reality, I miss you and hope that we can find a way to connect as friends rather than coworkers' is the simplest and most genuine thing to say.
However, since I am still at the same job, I don't really want to talk about it with them, either to rehash last year or to discuss how things are at work. This is a big chunk of my life and theirs to not want to talk about! We were both there more than 10 years and the work we've done together is the main way I know them (there are other ways, like our kids being close in age, but that's also complicated - I know their ex and wayyy too much about how bad things got between them, and the ex is also still relatively present in our working - and in their case parenting- lives. We are all in the same field.)
I work remotely (with periods of on-site work) and have done for almost a decade now. I don't know how to suggest we connect in a way that will be comfortable and allow us both some time to see how we can get along now.
Part of me is resigned to just letting things go forever. Part of me thinks that's just too dumb of an outcome. And since they are in the same field, I'd rather find a way to talk to them before I run into them in another context and have to do it all on the fly.
I appreciate their intelligence, humor, and politics
...
'hey friend, now that we're in the new reality, I miss you and hope that we can find a way to connect as friends'
full stop.
there's a lot to talk about e.g. politically these days. leave out the 'rather than coworkers' part. that's understood
posted by HearHere at 4:30 PM on February 12 [10 favorites]
...
'hey friend, now that we're in the new reality, I miss you and hope that we can find a way to connect as friends'
full stop.
there's a lot to talk about e.g. politically these days. leave out the 'rather than coworkers' part. that's understood
posted by HearHere at 4:30 PM on February 12 [10 favorites]
I remained friends with some colleagues who were laid off. When we visited they sometimes asked how work is -- but over time, their ire cooled at about the same rate that the names became unfamiliar to them. Now it suffices for me to say "place is as crazy as usual" and they don't press further.
For now, though, you could just send a note telling them that your friendship was important to you, and you miss them. And leave it there for them to decide how to answer.
posted by wenestvedt at 4:50 PM on February 12
For now, though, you could just send a note telling them that your friendship was important to you, and you miss them. And leave it there for them to decide how to answer.
posted by wenestvedt at 4:50 PM on February 12
In some ways I think that saying head-on, 'hey friend, now that we're in the new reality, I miss you and hope that we can find a way to [re]connect
I agree with HearHere, your wording is good but I'd slightly change it, getting rid of the co-workers bit. Maybe they won't respond, but maybe they will - it certainly can't hurt! I think most people are touched when they learn that someone else is thinking fondly of them.
posted by coffeecat at 6:02 PM on February 12 [3 favorites]
I agree with HearHere, your wording is good but I'd slightly change it, getting rid of the co-workers bit. Maybe they won't respond, but maybe they will - it certainly can't hurt! I think most people are touched when they learn that someone else is thinking fondly of them.
posted by coffeecat at 6:02 PM on February 12 [3 favorites]
I might not even bring up the "new reality" at all. If you come across something — Instagram link, song on the radio, news article — that reminds you of them, send it and say so. "Saw [whatever] this afternoon, made me think of you. How are you? How is [shared low-stakes interest]?" And see what they say. Gently model the connection you want to have. They might be embarrassed about how they behaved and wish they could pretend things were fine between the two of you; let them save a little face.
It is hard to go from work friend --> don't-work-together-anymore friend, even when people leave jobs on great circumstances. (And, in my experience, even when there was a strong social bond beyond the office.) So even if things stay kinda distant, don't let your workplace survivor's guilt make it harder when you run into them.
posted by Charity Garfein at 6:28 PM on February 12 [5 favorites]
It is hard to go from work friend --> don't-work-together-anymore friend, even when people leave jobs on great circumstances. (And, in my experience, even when there was a strong social bond beyond the office.) So even if things stay kinda distant, don't let your workplace survivor's guilt make it harder when you run into them.
posted by Charity Garfein at 6:28 PM on February 12 [5 favorites]
Friend, I’d really encourage you to reconsider. You are being kind and understanding, but perhaps too kind to them and not kind enough to yourself. It sounds like they weren’t just grumpy and irritable at work, but quite specifically snappy with you, perhaps even mean (the silent treatment part).
Are you someone often in relationship with people who don’t treat you well? I’m not saying not to respond if they reach out to you, but I am really wondering why you would re-initiate with someone who was so rude and unkind.
If you really do want to reinitiate: connect with them on LinkedIn or send a note there.
posted by bluedaisy at 6:31 PM on February 12 [4 favorites]
Are you someone often in relationship with people who don’t treat you well? I’m not saying not to respond if they reach out to you, but I am really wondering why you would re-initiate with someone who was so rude and unkind.
If you really do want to reinitiate: connect with them on LinkedIn or send a note there.
posted by bluedaisy at 6:31 PM on February 12 [4 favorites]
An exception would be if they seemed to know they were being unkind and said something like, Hey, this is hard for me and I am sorry I am taking it out on you. But I really discourage you from initiating a connection with someone where you were walking on eggshells around them. They were in a tough situation at work, but they doesn’t give them license to be abusive to you.
posted by bluedaisy at 6:39 PM on February 12 [3 favorites]
posted by bluedaisy at 6:39 PM on February 12 [3 favorites]
The way I’m understanding it they just recently lost their job at the end of 2024. That’s very recent. I’d give it a few more months.
In the meantime the answers above recommending that you reconsider the impulses are worth consideration. Based on what you’ve said, this person gave no indication that they wanted to preserve the relationship. (Sorry gto be so blunt, it really sucks. I’m sorry.)
posted by bunderful at 8:41 PM on February 12 [3 favorites]
In the meantime the answers above recommending that you reconsider the impulses are worth consideration. Based on what you’ve said, this person gave no indication that they wanted to preserve the relationship. (Sorry gto be so blunt, it really sucks. I’m sorry.)
posted by bunderful at 8:41 PM on February 12 [3 favorites]
Staying loosely in touch with old co-workers that you don't hate is exactly something that Facebook seems designed for. Of course, there are many valid reasons for not liking or using FB, but the alternatives aren't as obvious.
I could also add: the feeling of wanting to stay in touch or re-connect with old co-workers... fades away with time, and also with other things going on in your life.
Personally if it was me, I'd let it ride and just "do it all on the fly if I run into them in another context" which doesn't sound that difficult.
posted by ovvl at 6:39 AM on February 13
I could also add: the feeling of wanting to stay in touch or re-connect with old co-workers... fades away with time, and also with other things going on in your life.
Personally if it was me, I'd let it ride and just "do it all on the fly if I run into them in another context" which doesn't sound that difficult.
posted by ovvl at 6:39 AM on February 13
What hearhere said sounds pretty nice. Life is short and these are strange and dark times, leaning toward friendship and connection seems .. good to me.
you haven't said too much about the silent period. You might be struggling with this because that is something that will need to be repaired in order to have an authentic friendship. Which is a great skill to practice. I'm often the odd one out here, where I notice people on ask metafilter say , ehhh, well, friendship, you know.. no biggie.. it's not like, a super important top tier relationship, it's just an adult friendship.. to which I say, ok lucky for whoever that they feel safe in the world with just nuclear kinship circles that either came with being hatched into this incarnation by luck, or marriage and nuclear family life blessed you with.. but many of us know, deeply, radically, we need each other beyond what those structures can provide.. so, I'm a big fan of giving people credit, and/or "being the change" ourselves.. it is not always rewarding, but leading the way and showing others we can all weather rupture and repair in relationship and emerge stronger and better rather than silently fleeing into the night to lick our wounds can only be a net good, IMO. Which is not to say that there aren't times when someone is really truly unwell/in a downward spiral that will sweep up all they are in contact with, where it's best to steer clear. But this situation doesn't sound like that. It sounds like you really care about each other but for some reason there is anxiety and not enough skill or confidence (in yourself, in each other.. in the other.. hard to know from what you wrote) to deal with it head on.
If you proceed bc.. you know, yay life, friendship is magic, etc .. don't let it be a thing where you persist in this walking on eggshells behavior, and/or never say anything about the period of disconnect.. that is not so magic, and is, in a way, dishonest and a disservice to what you love in this person.. er, I don't know.. maybe that's too strongly worded - i just mean, no one makes us walk on eggshells (well, at work it's different and we have less agency perhaps with a boss etc, but in friendship let's say) - if we persist in "walking on eggshells" to preserve a relationship, it is because we are making, consciously or not, a choice to do this, and not seeing alternate choices, like trusting yourself and the other person enough to "bring stuff up and be direct" or you know, not do that and realize the limitations of things if we don't. Forgive me if this is unnecessarily strongly worded and take all with a grain of salt if it doesn't apply. more and more I realize the limitations of responding in this text based dear abby way vs actually knowing someone and chatting about a situation over a snack or a phone call. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
posted by elgee at 10:42 AM on February 13 [1 favorite]
you haven't said too much about the silent period. You might be struggling with this because that is something that will need to be repaired in order to have an authentic friendship. Which is a great skill to practice. I'm often the odd one out here, where I notice people on ask metafilter say , ehhh, well, friendship, you know.. no biggie.. it's not like, a super important top tier relationship, it's just an adult friendship.. to which I say, ok lucky for whoever that they feel safe in the world with just nuclear kinship circles that either came with being hatched into this incarnation by luck, or marriage and nuclear family life blessed you with.. but many of us know, deeply, radically, we need each other beyond what those structures can provide.. so, I'm a big fan of giving people credit, and/or "being the change" ourselves.. it is not always rewarding, but leading the way and showing others we can all weather rupture and repair in relationship and emerge stronger and better rather than silently fleeing into the night to lick our wounds can only be a net good, IMO. Which is not to say that there aren't times when someone is really truly unwell/in a downward spiral that will sweep up all they are in contact with, where it's best to steer clear. But this situation doesn't sound like that. It sounds like you really care about each other but for some reason there is anxiety and not enough skill or confidence (in yourself, in each other.. in the other.. hard to know from what you wrote) to deal with it head on.
If you proceed bc.. you know, yay life, friendship is magic, etc .. don't let it be a thing where you persist in this walking on eggshells behavior, and/or never say anything about the period of disconnect.. that is not so magic, and is, in a way, dishonest and a disservice to what you love in this person.. er, I don't know.. maybe that's too strongly worded - i just mean, no one makes us walk on eggshells (well, at work it's different and we have less agency perhaps with a boss etc, but in friendship let's say) - if we persist in "walking on eggshells" to preserve a relationship, it is because we are making, consciously or not, a choice to do this, and not seeing alternate choices, like trusting yourself and the other person enough to "bring stuff up and be direct" or you know, not do that and realize the limitations of things if we don't. Forgive me if this is unnecessarily strongly worded and take all with a grain of salt if it doesn't apply. more and more I realize the limitations of responding in this text based dear abby way vs actually knowing someone and chatting about a situation over a snack or a phone call. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
posted by elgee at 10:42 AM on February 13 [1 favorite]
Elgee has a great point. I want to be clear that I am not at all dismissive of the value or importance of friendships! In my case, I know a lot of people who stay way too long in relationships (with friends, lovers, etc) where they are being treated poorly. OP, I'm not sure which you are: someone who truly believes this behavior from the coworker was an understandable aberration, or someone who is overly tolerant of people who treat them poorly. Whichever you are informs the best path here.
posted by bluedaisy at 12:38 PM on February 13
posted by bluedaisy at 12:38 PM on February 13
I also know too many people who are treated poorly who are always the ones going back to the people who treat them that way.
posted by bluedaisy at 12:38 PM on February 13 [2 favorites]
posted by bluedaisy at 12:38 PM on February 13 [2 favorites]
I am at a bit of a loss as to how to reach out, but I find I miss you and want to know what you are doing for work and how you are handling the change now that the main rupture has happened. You were a generous colleague and we did some great stuff together. Our families went through some intense stuff at the same time, we talked about a lot of it, and I appreciate your intelligence, humor, and politics. I am genuinely interested in what you are doing now.
Re-phrase it some, but that's as good an approach as I can imagine.
posted by theora55 at 8:53 PM on February 13 [1 favorite]
Re-phrase it some, but that's as good an approach as I can imagine.
posted by theora55 at 8:53 PM on February 13 [1 favorite]
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I know you said you don't want to talk about the job, but maybe you can talk about the field?
posted by Bryant at 4:26 PM on February 12