Seeking Help: Toasts and Dinner Conversation Skills
January 1, 2025 5:49 AM Subscribe
With the New Year here, I’ve realized something about myself—I’m not great at making toasts or steering good conversation at dinner.
This wasn’t a thing in my family growing up, so beyond a basic “Cheers!” or “To health, family, and friends,” I don’t have a solid framework for crafting toasts or making gatherings more engaging.
I’d love advice on how to improve in these areas, whether it’s tips, templates, or even personal examples you’ve found work well. Specifically, I’m looking to step up as a husband, father, friend, and boss during these moments—adding meaning without overthinking it.
If you have insights, frameworks, or tricks to share, I’d be incredibly grateful.
Thanks in advance!
This wasn’t a thing in my family growing up, so beyond a basic “Cheers!” or “To health, family, and friends,” I don’t have a solid framework for crafting toasts or making gatherings more engaging.
I’d love advice on how to improve in these areas, whether it’s tips, templates, or even personal examples you’ve found work well. Specifically, I’m looking to step up as a husband, father, friend, and boss during these moments—adding meaning without overthinking it.
If you have insights, frameworks, or tricks to share, I’d be incredibly grateful.
Thanks in advance!
I find both as speaker and listener that toasts that come from a place of pride (in others) and gratitude are lovely and authentic. Eg “I am grateful we are all here today [under what common goal/circumstances]” “I’m impressed and grateful for what we accomplished together [this quarter].” “I’m lucky to be spending this time with you all for [reasons].” “I am proud of [you all]/[all of us] for…”
It helps the speaker speak from the heart with I statements and own their own truth but also makes sure that the whole audience feels included, acknowledged and welcomed.
Bonus, cultivating gratitude habits is a known predictor of happiness and contentment!
Second toastmasters as well.
posted by seemoorglass at 7:10 AM on January 1 [6 favorites]
It helps the speaker speak from the heart with I statements and own their own truth but also makes sure that the whole audience feels included, acknowledged and welcomed.
Bonus, cultivating gratitude habits is a known predictor of happiness and contentment!
Second toastmasters as well.
posted by seemoorglass at 7:10 AM on January 1 [6 favorites]
seemoorglass touches on a core element--gratitude--and conveying that will elevate any toast.
From what I've seen, people who are good at this often pay attention to other people and when it comes time to speak they manage to connect to their observations and articulate something meaningful. It's a way to reveal "what we already know"
posted by ginger.beef at 8:11 AM on January 1 [2 favorites]
From what I've seen, people who are good at this often pay attention to other people and when it comes time to speak they manage to connect to their observations and articulate something meaningful. It's a way to reveal "what we already know"
posted by ginger.beef at 8:11 AM on January 1 [2 favorites]
My most common experiences of good toasts include:
1) People with standard toasts, joking or otherwise, that are their signature.
2) Everyone at the table already being a drink or two in, and thus folks are more relaxed, less judgy.
3) Prepared toasts, delivered by someone who's practice the toast a lot and/or is a good public speaker.
What you're talking about sounds, to me, a bit in the line of becoming a better overall communicator, listener, and (often) host. While I've met people who are naturally gifted along these lines, practice is a big part of it. Usually these skills will feel artificial at first, in my experience, and often people I've met along the lines you describe make a life habit of being charming and urbane, either because they enjoy it or wish to use it to their advantage (getting ahead in business, society, etc.).
ETA: And thus, books & such about social graces, Dale Carnegie stuff, etc., can come in handy. It can all feel a bit forced, but sometimes a better baseline is a better goal that striving to be the best of the best.
posted by cupcakeninja at 8:23 AM on January 1 [3 favorites]
1) People with standard toasts, joking or otherwise, that are their signature.
2) Everyone at the table already being a drink or two in, and thus folks are more relaxed, less judgy.
3) Prepared toasts, delivered by someone who's practice the toast a lot and/or is a good public speaker.
What you're talking about sounds, to me, a bit in the line of becoming a better overall communicator, listener, and (often) host. While I've met people who are naturally gifted along these lines, practice is a big part of it. Usually these skills will feel artificial at first, in my experience, and often people I've met along the lines you describe make a life habit of being charming and urbane, either because they enjoy it or wish to use it to their advantage (getting ahead in business, society, etc.).
ETA: And thus, books & such about social graces, Dale Carnegie stuff, etc., can come in handy. It can all feel a bit forced, but sometimes a better baseline is a better goal that striving to be the best of the best.
posted by cupcakeninja at 8:23 AM on January 1 [3 favorites]
I really enjoyed Priya Parker's "The Art of Gathering: How We Meet and Why It Matters" -- it's not a how-to, but you might find it interesting along these lines.
I've identified for myself that a major piece of this is about my own comfort with being publicly vulnerable. I have been a college professor and facilitated other groups, spoken publicly in various settings, etc. and don't have any real discomfort to speak of when the focus is on ideas and content, and I'm great with emotional/relational topics in one-on-one settings. But the in-the-moment experience of voicing my sincere feelings (of gratitude or hope, for example) in front of a bunch of people I don't know very well is really different, as is being the center of attention in a more casual social setting that lacks the pre-planned structure of "wormtales is the agreed-upon facilitator/speaker/etc." If any of this applies to you, bringing in awareness of and a focus on building tolerance or different strategies around this aspect of it could be a key piece.
posted by wormtales at 10:57 AM on January 1 [1 favorite]
I've identified for myself that a major piece of this is about my own comfort with being publicly vulnerable. I have been a college professor and facilitated other groups, spoken publicly in various settings, etc. and don't have any real discomfort to speak of when the focus is on ideas and content, and I'm great with emotional/relational topics in one-on-one settings. But the in-the-moment experience of voicing my sincere feelings (of gratitude or hope, for example) in front of a bunch of people I don't know very well is really different, as is being the center of attention in a more casual social setting that lacks the pre-planned structure of "wormtales is the agreed-upon facilitator/speaker/etc." If any of this applies to you, bringing in awareness of and a focus on building tolerance or different strategies around this aspect of it could be a key piece.
posted by wormtales at 10:57 AM on January 1 [1 favorite]
+1 for "The Art of Gathering" by Priya Parker.
Specifically, I’m looking to step up as a husband, father, friend, and boss during these moments
While I can see the value of making good toasts as a boss, I wouldn't say this is a needed skill for being a partner, parent, or friend. Good listening skills and being engaging yes, but making elaborate toasts isn't required. I'd also say that the ability to steer the conversation in a group is quite different than toasting, which is more about making a declaration. Also, "The Art of Gathering" provides ideas for how to make an event special without necessarily making yourself at the center of attention - one of her arguments is that anyone can be a good host, even introverts (if that's part of the issue here).
posted by coffeecat at 12:17 PM on January 1 [1 favorite]
Specifically, I’m looking to step up as a husband, father, friend, and boss during these moments
While I can see the value of making good toasts as a boss, I wouldn't say this is a needed skill for being a partner, parent, or friend. Good listening skills and being engaging yes, but making elaborate toasts isn't required. I'd also say that the ability to steer the conversation in a group is quite different than toasting, which is more about making a declaration. Also, "The Art of Gathering" provides ideas for how to make an event special without necessarily making yourself at the center of attention - one of her arguments is that anyone can be a good host, even introverts (if that's part of the issue here).
posted by coffeecat at 12:17 PM on January 1 [1 favorite]
One thing to mention about Toastmasters is, event though it’s in the name, it’s more about learning to communicate effectively and well in a supportive environment. You can attend meetings as a guest to gauge the vibe, and if you join, it’s less expensive than a lot of similar offerings and you can add to a network of supportive people that are local to you. Look for in-person or hybrid meetings if you do give this a go.
posted by childofTethys at 12:45 PM on January 1 [1 favorite]
posted by childofTethys at 12:45 PM on January 1 [1 favorite]
I recently listened to this Think Fast, Talk Smart podcast which was filled with good ideas: Mastering Toasts and Tributes
posted by shw at 1:18 PM on January 1
posted by shw at 1:18 PM on January 1
For conversation, the best way to make good party conversation is to ask questions about/to those around you. People like talking about themselves. Give them the excuse, and they’ll love talking to you. You might even learn something interesting you didn’t know about them!
As for a good toast, think about why you’re happy to be there, and to see those people, and to have a reason to gather, and focus on those things in your toast. Don’t overthink it.
posted by soy_renfield at 4:11 PM on January 1 [1 favorite]
As for a good toast, think about why you’re happy to be there, and to see those people, and to have a reason to gather, and focus on those things in your toast. Don’t overthink it.
posted by soy_renfield at 4:11 PM on January 1 [1 favorite]
another +1 for "the art of gathering" by priya parker. her work is helpful for attuning to the meaning behind what you might say or do; how to connect to your intentions for the toast/hosting/“stepping up” moments.
parker also has a free guide via her website (you need an email sign up to get it). although i had read the book (audiobook) before looking at this, so ymmv.
posted by tamarack at 6:56 AM on January 2
parker also has a free guide via her website (you need an email sign up to get it). although i had read the book (audiobook) before looking at this, so ymmv.
posted by tamarack at 6:56 AM on January 2
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posted by pangolin party at 6:32 AM on January 1 [6 favorites]